


Why I’d do it All Again

by Egypt18015



Category: Backstreet Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 209,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egypt18015/pseuds/Egypt18015
Summary: The boys all come together after a long hiatus to work on their new album. This is a scrapbook of that time, from when they all stepped off the plane to be together up until the album release, living all the drama, hope, laughter, fears and tears along the way...
Relationships: bromance - Relationship
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there,
> 
> My name’s Mare from the AC site. This story is from around 2005. I decided to post it here. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> I noticed there are random (?) In places where there should be (‘) I apologize for that. I’m uploading from my phone and have no clue how to correct that.

**  
__  
** __

_**1  
  
Fallen leaves of Brown and gold�** _

That�s what I see when I look out in the back yard. It�s beautiful in this place; I love it here and am slightly ashamed to say I don�t want to let it go, not even for one second. I could spend hours in my backyard if I really allowed myself to, in fact just the other day my father teased me, telling me I was becoming my mother, one day we would just morph into one another and then you�d need a detective to tell the two of us apart he joked. Mind you, I didn�t tell him that I was in the backyard at the time of our phone call. Planting tulips while my son played inches away, his red shorts dirty from carelessly rolling around on the ground all morning.

It�s a classic fall day today, breezy but yet crisp. A reminder that summer has just left and soon will be another memory. Fall is my favorite time of year actually. Used to be I hated the fall, the first time I saw one of those dreaded back to school commercial�s on my television I almost wanted to spit at the screen. Fall meant school and I HATED school, with a passion, although don�t tell my son that because any story I tell him between now and our first shopping trip to buy a backpack, I plan on saying I loved nothing more than the smell of the school hallways, a scent mixed of bleach and youth.

I did the same thing to Nick whenever he would whine about having to leave his Nintendo to open a History book, I would go on and on about how awesome school was and that seemed to help make it easier on him.

In fact my intense hatred of school is a secret I have never shared with any of them. Its funny isn�t it? They know pretty much everything else about me, right down to the dirtiest little secret one could know, yet if a reporter was to ask any of the guys if I liked school they would all say yes without hesitation.

I smiled at that thought; maybe it will be one of my shocking secrets revealed while we are back together in the studio. By the way guys, I hated school when I was a kid. I can here the �duh, of course you did doesn�t everybody?� coming out of Nick�s mouth already.

It will be nice seeing them all again. It was nice seeing them in Chicago; we got so much talking done, so many hurt feelings out in the open and buried. Now we start fresh and I can�t wait. This is what I�ve always wanted, from the moment we announced our break. Together again, like we should be.

I didn�t think it would be this hard though, packing my bags getting ready to kiss my son and my wife goodbye. It occurred to me that for the last three years or so, I have never spent a night away from my wife and once Baylee was born, the same could be said for my son. We just didn�t want to do it, be the kind of couple that succumbs to the life style that so many others had. We wanted normalcy, just two people loving each other and needing each other. So where I went, she went. Now with the baby it�s the same thing; my little family that I wouldn�t trade anything for.

�Not this time around though,� I said scooping my son into my arms, his dirt now on me.

�Why do I wear white when I work in the garden?� I placed my nose under his chin and tickled him. He giggled and tried to squirm out of my arms so I put him back down.

�Silly daddy huh?�

�Yes.� A word he says often. One of the very few he can say now.

Decidedly cool, I plopped onto the ground and stretched my legs in front of me draping my jacket over my shorts as I did, �Daddy refuses to wear long pants until he has too.�

�Daddy,� Baylee echoed back to me waddling over and falling into my arms. His hair smelled so sweet and clean. I love baby smell.

�Daddy is going bye bye.�

�Bye bye.�

�Yup.� I kissed the top of my son�s head as I thought about all the work that lay directly in my path.

It was so easy to do nothing, but be a daddy and a husband, work on some Christian music and chill in a house that I had earned. I could easily retire without really having to do this all over again, but the truth is, I need to do it.

�I miss my brothers.� I said giving my son a raspberry under his neck, just like I had done so many times to Nickolas. Its weird how eerily similar I found myself noticing how things I did to Nick, I now did to my son. He was right all the times he said I treated him like a child I guess.

�But he loved every minute of it.�

�Bad.�

�Bad? Yes Nicky is bad?� I laughed; my son was going to be a chatter box, just like his mommy.

Well who am I kidding? Just like me!

�So there are my men.� I smiled without even turning around, knowing that at any minute I would feel her warm embrace from behind.

Sure enough there it was followed by a kiss on the back of the neck as she sunk down behind me and wrapped her legs around mine. She reached over me and pat our son�s head. �You are both quite dirty.�

�Yes we are. We�ve been planting.�

�Tulips?�

�Of course.�

�Are you all packed?�

�Not quite.�

�Are you going to remedy that?�

�Can�t the clothes just pack themselves?�

�I�m going to miss you.�

�I�ll miss you more.�

�Why can�t I go again?�

I picked Baylee up in my arms and together we turned to face the woman in our life. �Because we need to get to know each other again baby, it�ll probably be a little stressful at first and we all decided to get that magic back from the old days�.�

�I know�. it just has to be the five of you.� She said it with disdain, but she didn�t mean to. She was happy we were getting back together as well.

I stood up using my one free hand to steady myself, and then I extended that hand to my wife who leapt up and into my arms, our child the only thing that stood between us. �Well, you better get packing or you will miss your flight.�

�I know.� She grabbed my son from me and walked back inside. I however was in no rush so I found myself once again staring at the beautiful garden I created.

I was nervous about this.

Who knew what was going to happen?

I gave the yard one more glace as I turned and went inside.

�I hate airports!� the last words out of my mouth.

****

**~*~*~*~*~*~***

I hate airports more than anything else in the galaxy, the way they smell, the way they sound, people rushing to get to places, yet not going anywhere at all. Rude flight attendants, equally rude passengers and of course the ever lurking fan; these were reasons I hated the airport. Kind of ironic I know, because I LOVE to fly. Hate airports, love flying; yup that pretty much summed me up right there.

I nervously tapped at the table my wife and I were sitting at, sipping already cold coffee as we waited for my flight which of course was delayed due to weather. Once again I tapped the table only to feel Kristin�s soft gentle hands make contact with my own.

�Would you please stop that?� I looked over at her and she was wearing a grin, trying not to laugh at my anxious self.

�Sorry.�

�Tapping the table won�t make the plane come any sooner sweetheart.�

�I know that but still��

Now she did laugh as she went from holding my hand down on the table to interlocking her fingers in mine. �I�m going to have to leave soon.�

I stared into her eyes, �I know.�

�Everything will be fine you know.�

�I know.� I said, but did I really know?

I was really anxious about seeing all the guys again, working together doing something that had all but stopped being trendy. It seemed like a waste of time, but yet how could I so readily dismiss all we had done together as a waste of time?

�You think you�re ready for all of this Kevin?�

�God, I hope so.�

�Tell them I said hello and send my love, especially my blonde.� Kristin took quite a liking to Nick, for whatever reason which was fine by me.

�I will.�

�I have to go now baby.� I nodded and stood up; grabbing her in my arms we kissed for what felt like forever yet not long enough.

�Call me as soon as you land okay?� I nodded at her.

�Be good!� I said pointing my finger to her as she stuck her tongue out at me and walked away.

Now I could tap the table until my fingers were numb if I wanted to.

I sat down and once again found myself staring at the flight board seeing the word delayed where now boarding should have been. The longer I sat here the more apprehensive I would become. I just needed to get on that plane and then it would be on.

No turning back.

The time apart from the guys was a good thing and a bad thing for me. At first I was so bored I thought I might eat my own foot, but then the Broadway thing came up. I almost turned it down because I was terrified but I�m glad a few smacks from Kris made me change my mind. Doing Chicago gave me so much confidence, which was funny because I thought I was already kind of on the arrogant side to begin with.

The thing is Chicago made me realize that I can do this alone. But it also made me realize that maybe I don�t want to.

It was also nice, not having to be anyone�s keeper. That job was getting old by the time we parted ways. AJ had a big part in that, after seeing him deal with all his baggage, I needed a break from that big brother role. I have to admit it was fun being the little brother again, not having to worry about whether or not Nick made it home from a night of clubbing or if AJ was really sticking to his program. Not having to be the one that made sure that we all got from point A to point B together.

On the break, I only had to worry about myself and my wife and not even, because Kristin is such an independent woman.

Stepping on that plane is going to change all that, well maybe not stepping on the plane but definitely stepping off the plane.

Once again my eyes go up to that stupid board which still says delayed. I have the worst luck in the world when it comes to airports. I took a sip of my coffee and then grimaced in disgust.

�I�m in hell.�

****

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

�What did you say AJ?�

�I said I�m in hell.� I gave a half smile to my mother who rolled her eyes at me.

�You wouldn�t be in hell if you did what I told you to do.�

�I know I know� I�m wrong as always but now��

She walked over and kissed my cheek, �Now my son, you deal with the consequences.�

And the consequence she was talking about was in the form of the ugliest mini van I had ever seen. That�s what happens when you wait until the last minute to book a flight. Your ass ends up renting a car to drive yourself to where you need to be.

�They couldn�t give me a sports car?�

�You could always just call and say you�ll be late.�

�No friggin� way, not on our first day back.�

�Then ugly brown mini van it is,� she said closing the door for me as I tried to adjust the seat.

�Thanks you�ve been a big help.�

�Drive carefully.�

�Thanks mom.�

I started the car that was freaking sputtering! And shook my head in disgust. �I hope Carter or Rok don�t see me in this thing.� I said to myself as I backed out of the parking lot.

There was no way I was going to be the one that caused everyone to wait another day, not after the whole rehab thing. It�s hard to not feel guilty about things. When the damn break happened, I felt like it was all my fault, they had all lost momentum because of me and you know, I still think maybe that�s the case.

I was such an ass to them all, and yet they stuck by me for everything.

Even showing up to Oprah�s show which was the reason I found myself in this stinky ass van now. Shock doesn�t even begin to describe my reaction as I saw them all coming out one by one. I mean okay let�s be honest; I knew Kevin was there, that was not going to be a surprise, although I was practicing my look of shock with my mom all morning long for that one. When they all came out one by one though, that look was real. They all came together for me, yet again.

Sometimes I feel like I don�t deserve to have them in my life, that�s how blessed I am.

�It smells like someone died in this thing.� I opened the manual windows! Yes I said MANUAL! To get out the stench this was filling my nose.

�Jesus Christ what is this, the 1960�s? Who drives a car without automatic windows and no CD player?�

Yup if Nick or Brian saw me in this contraption, I would never ever hear the end of it. Despite my mood, I couldn�t help but smile just thinking about my friends. It will be so nice being with those guys again, even though I want to kill them sometimes, well okay Nick almost all the time, I need them.

�I can�t believe my dumb ass is driving this van.� I shook my head in disgust as I popped a cigarette into my mouth; nothing can calm a person down more than one of those things.

�I hope Kevin doesn�t get on my back about quitting again.�

****

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

�Dude you just need to take a stand, tell him to fuck himself if he gets on you about smoking.�

I laughed, �Tommy you are the shit.�

Tommy smiled and nodded, �I know.�

I couldn�t help but feel cool at times like this, where I had Tommy fucking Lee sitting on my bed as I packed a bag, telling me how he was going to miss hanging out with me while I was gone. Where were all the kids who ever beat the crap out of me in school for being so uncool?

�Thanks for the directions man.� Tommy actually gave me a key to one of his vacation houses. He told me I can stay there while I look for a place of my own, even gave me directions. I�m SO feeling like the king of the world right now.

�Not a problem bro, I�m still not sure why you are going back to them because you kick ass solo.�

�Thanks, but it�s something I got to do.�

Tommy stood up and extended his hand in a shake, �Well then do your thing.�

�You sure you don�t want to scrap my song off your album since I�m officially a Backstreet Boy again?�

�Nick, when have I ever cared about what anyone thinks?� I laughed and nodded as he pulled me towards him and gave me a noggie.

�True, good point.�

�Talk to you soon, we�ll hang when I come down next week okay man?�

�Sure.�

We hugged and just before he walked out the door he said, �Oh and Nick�quit the fucking cigarettes dude.� I couldn�t help but laugh.

Was it odd for me to say Kevin and Tommy Lee were very similar? Yeah okay it is odd for me to say, but I�m saying it anyway. They might seem like polar opposites, but they both were the same thing to me.

A big brother figure.

It�s weird how I always found myself hanging out with people who were a bit older than me, always willing to look out for me if the need should arise. I wonder why that is?

Going back to the boys was going to be so weird but I�d be completely lying if I said I wasn�t looking forward to it. I missed them, all of them. Being solo was awesome! But nothing beats the camaraderie of five guys who have known each other for as long as we have. They are my family, at least they were.

I hope that feeling is still there because if it isn�t I don�t know what I�ll do with myself. When I ventured away from them, I didn�t know what to expect, all I knew, is it was something that needed to be done. I left four guys who loved me behind to go at it all alone. Why would I do that?

I hate being alone. It scares me to death, whenever I find myself my only source of entertainment. I don�t feel safe when I�m by myself, I feel vulnerable and scared, but the guys? They make me feel safe. I�m glad I�m going back; in fact ever since we made the decision, I haven�t stopped smiling.

This year has been so hard on me, this couldn�t have happened at a better time. Truth is I need the guys more than ever before. I only hope that after all this time has gone by that they still feel the need to play big brothers, protectors and friends.

And I can�t wait to tell them that Tommy Lee gave me a key to his house. Hehehe how COOL is that?

****

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

�How cool is that?�

�I hate when you say things like that, you make yourself sound like a kid.�

�Howie, you need to ungrow up.�

�Ungrow up? Oh very nice Johnny!�

I ducked as my older brother swiped at me, in the loving way only an older brother can. �There is nothing wrong with saying how cool is that?�

�Nicky always says that.�

�Well I guess Nicky and I are both cooler than you than!�

�Right,� I said as I continued to fold my underwear carefully before packing it into my suitcase.

�So?�

I looked up when I felt his eyes on me, �So what?�

�You haven�t really said much about this, how are you feeling?�

�I�m feeling fine.�

�I mean, are you excited? You don�t seem excited.�

�I guess I just feel like maybe the timing isn�t that great, I mean we are just getting all these condos going and��

�I can handle all that Howard.�

�I know but��

�What�s the deal?�

I stopped my nervous folding and sat on the bed, my brother shadowed my move, just like he always did. �I guess I�m just a little anxious.�

�Why? You know these guys almost as well as you know me.�

�I know, but so much time has gone by John, what if things have changed?�

My brother put his arm around me, �You really think things would change that much? I mean what was it like when you guys had your first meeting?�

�Fine, but��

�You�re just panicking, like you always do Howie.�

�I know.�

Johnny stood up and gave me a reassuring smile, something I always appreciated most about him. �Don�t fret over this, you�ll get back into the studio and it�ll be just like riding a bike. You won�t even feel like any time has gone by at all.� As much as I wanted to believe those words, something deep within me didn�t.

Now that probably sounds odd coming from me, the resident sweet guy of the group, but I had my doubts. When we parted it wasn�t on the best of terms, we were barely getting along at all. The only time we even spoke to each other was to either be condescending or mean.

The break was a huge sigh of relief for all of us, but after awhile I missed things. It�s not easy going from moving a hundred miles an hour to coming to a complete stop. I handled it well though, with the help of my brother. We decided to work on being businessmen and became damn good ones. It seemed like this was going to be my new life and I was finally resigned to that until we decided to have another go at this.

So yes, I was skeptical and a bit anxious, but I guess that�s all a part of life.

�Try not to burn my place down while I�m gone.�

John rolled his eyes at me, �You are NO fun.�

�We better go if we�re going to get you on that plane on time; you know not all things run on Backstreet time.�

I laughed, �I know this, let�s go.�

So we ventured out into the oddly brisk Florida air. I sucked in a deep breath of the ocean, �You know, I love fall.�

My brother looked at me as if I had ten heads, �That was random Howie.�

�I know, but I just do. I love the way it smells and looks, the leaves gold and brown.�

�Well here they are palms buddy.�

�I know, way to kill the moment Johnny.�

�Sorry, shall we go?� He asked me opening his car door as if he was my own private driver.

I stepped into the car with a ton of things whirling through my mind, hoping that when we all met up again it wouldn�t be a huge disaster.

****


	2. Chapter 2

****

**2  
  
  
  
Just like riding a bike**

By the time I stepped off my plane, I had a super sized headache, I mean HUGE! I�m sure the crying baby in the seat two rows in front of me didn�t help any. So much for first class huh? I don�t mean to sound like a snob, I love kids, I love planes, I love life but being delayed for almost two full hours and then to be loaded onto the plane right as this child started to cry was not amusing to me at all. What made it even worse was the fact that I KNEW she was going to sit right near me. I just knew it because that ladies and gentlemen is my luck.

Served me right for being so whiny before, I could hear those words coming out of Kristin�s mouth, along with that cute little smile of hers, I already missed her. How pathetic is that?

�Kevin!� Through the drone of people endlessly chattering all around me, I looked up when I heard my name.

Sure enough there was Howie standing there waving at me, looking like he was flagging me down or something. I smiled and made my way over to him and he looked like he was tired and whiny as well. Nice way to be welcomed back, but then again it could have been worse, it could have been Nick.

I extended my hand to him before pulling him into a hug. My carry on bag hitting him as we touched, �Sorry,� I said pulling away and adjusting the strap as we walked down to baggage claim.

�How was the flight?� He yawned in the middle of his question which of course got me doing the same.

�Long, what about yours?�

�Same.�

�Is everyone else here?�

�No, Nick is still MIA but Brian is here. We drew straws to see who would come and get you.�

�So you lost huh?�

�Yup.�

�What about AJ?�

�He is driving.�

�Driving?�

�Uh huh, he said it�s a long story, which means he missed a plane.�

�Sounds about right.�

I yawned again and ran my fingers through my hair. I hated the way my hair felt after a plane ride, no matter how clean I was; it always felt greasy. All I wanted was a shower and a bed. Any bed would do, �So where are we staying?�

�The Hilton.�

�Cool, a suite?�

�Yup, for now I figured a suite would do for us so that�s what I booked.�

�Thanks man, I�m beat.� We made our way to the baggage carol and stood around patiently waiting for my luggage to make its way down the chute. Every few seconds Howie glanced down at his watch, making me feel guilty he had to come out to get me. If I had gotten here on time, we all would have just met here and taken a cab together or something but no�stupid airports.

�So Nick is MIA? Meaning we have no clue? Or he�s just running on Nick time?�

Howie glanced over at me and shrugged, �You think he actually called one of us to let us know?� That statement was followed by a laugh, the kind that typically came when Howie tried to play worried off as something else.

It was then, that I took a long look at my friend. Howie and I talked a bit during our hiatus, not ever quite losing touch. At first we talked about twice a week, then that turned into once a month until we were maybe receiving that quarter of a year phone call. I was incredibly surprised and pleased when he phoned me while I was on Broadway saying he was traveling into town to see me. That was D, I really didn�t hold out hope for the others to come, but I secretly knew Howie wouldn�t let me down.

That night I was the most nervous I had ever been, isn�t that ridiculous? I wanted him to be proud of me. Too funny, now I AM beginning to sound like Nick.

�You know I could have just taken a cab.�

�I know that�s what I said.� I laughed at his honesty.

�But I guess Brian was against that then?�

Howie winked at me, �No, we both were. You know how the cabs are here, hailing them down is a chore plus a boatload of money and besides we don�t want people to know what we�re doing right?�

�Right.� I said but not really understanding why I was agreeing. The time had long past when we would have a flurry of fans waiting for us at every location known to man. It got so bad that we did start to call them our secret service. How they knew where we were all the time baffled me considering some of us, mainly Nick, never had a clue ourselves.

And would it be so bad if we did let our fans know that we were back in the studio recording? I mean after every single performance of Chicago, that�s all they ever asked me. When were we getting back together? I always felt bad for them, because there was actually a time briefly when I was sure as a heart attack the answer to that question was never. I�m glad that changed.

�So AJ is driving from where?�

�His mom�s house.� By now my luggage had finally made the fall onto the belt, one of the last ones naturally, and as I went for one bag, Howie took the other.

�How far away is that?�

�I have no clue; my guess is about four hours or so?�

�How is AJ?� I asked as Howie led me to his rental car. It dawned on me then, that we had been together for almost thirty minutes and not once had he made or answered a single phone call. That had to be some kind of record in Howie time.

�The last time we talked, he seemed to be doing great! I�m proud of him; I think he has finally gotten his act together.�

�Yeah I think you�re right, now if only we can say the same about Nick.� He looked over at me and nodded in agreement.

That all too familiar feeling of responsibility and worry hit me all at once, it was just like riding a bike I guess, suddenly you just kind of fall back into the routine.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Country music is going to be the death of me I swear to God! Why was it whenever I had a long drive somewhere the only station that ever came in clearly was a country station? Who listens to this stuff anyway? I took a deep breath and bent my fingers back and forth on the steering wheel.

�Rok�.he listens to this stuff�and great, now I�m talking to myself.�

I scanned the radio stations again hoping that I would hear ANYTHING but twangy guys talking about how they lost the love of their lives but then just decided to shut it off completely when my search failed. Silence was golden.

�I am SO going to get a refund for this stupid ass car without a stupid ass CD player! And here I go talking to myself again�blah!�

I checked the time on the console, shocked and amazed that there was actually a digital clock there and not a sundial. Three hours I had been driving already and let me tell you, I felt every single minute of it. I only stopped once to get gas and pee. I even decided on a drive thru window instead of stopping somewhere for a quick lunch.

�This was a stupid idea.� I said to the steering wheel, the ugly tan and unpadded steering wheel.

I briefly wondered if the guys had all arrived yet. By now flights were probably coming in to LAX. Howie said that he, Brian and Kevin would all be getting in roughly around the same time but he neglected to say when that would be. I hated being last, out of all of us I am the most punctual Backstreet Boy. I mean for awhile I wasn�t even close to punctual for anything but then again I was an addict wasn�t I? That thought made me grab my cell phone to check if Matt, my sponsor had called me.

�No messages for me�� I was just about to throw my phone down beside me when I smiled and picked it up again, dialing and hoping he would pick up.

�Hello?�

�Rok, I�m bored out of my ass please entertain me.� Brian laughed and I smiled.

�Where are you Bone?�

�I have no idea I�m on this long ass road and the only thing I can get on the damn radio is country. You�d like it here.�

He laughed again.

I steered with one hand and drove with the other, it made me feel cool for some reason, now that I had perfected the art of talking and driving at the same time. �Is it legal to talk on your cell while driving?� I asked him, now thinking about it.

�I guess you�ll find out. If you see flashing lights behind you the answer is no.�

�Gee, thanks what a big help you are.�

�I try.�

�So, I take it you are there already?�

�Yup, Howie and I got here at the same time.�

�What about Kev and Nick?�

�Kevin�s flight was delayed��

�Of course it was and I bet he was very happy about that too.�

�Thrilled, anyway we drew straws as to who was going to get him and Howie lost so��

�Good for you, and Nickers?�

�Good question.�

�Ah, so maybe I won�t be the last Backstreeter to arrive then?�

�Probably not.�

I nodded and shook my head when I saw Los Angeles 20 miles. �I am never going to get there.�

�Why are you driving knuckle head?�

�Long story�so is Nick taking a plane or what?�

�He was supposed to call Howie with details but never did.�

�That kid, I tell you what.�

�I know; do you have his cell number AJ? I was thinking of giving him a call to make sure he at least remembered to leave his house.� Now it was my turn to laugh.

�I am sure I do somewhere, hang on let me see if I programmed him in.�

�Am I programmed in?� He asked me in that southern twang of his, just thinking of that twang brought back painful flashbacks of the music I had endured for the last hour or so.

�Of course.� I said without a moment�s hesitation.

�I feel so special.�

�You should. Aren�t I in YOUR cell?�

�Um�yeah sure you are.� Brian cackled.

�You suck.�

�So you have it?�

�Yup, he�s in here. Maybe I�ll just call him because I�m bored as hell and he�ll make the time go by.�

�Did he tell you not to give me his number or something?�

�Uh�no he did not.� I had to laugh at B, he was so paranoid sometimes. For whatever reason, he felt like Nick hated him. Truth is; Nick idolizes his ass�.still after all this time, which is annoying.

�Tell him to check in okay? We�re worried.�

�I will, so where the hell am I driving to again?�

�The Hilton, same one as always.�

�Okay gotcha, I�ll be there in about another century or so.�

�Looking forward to it.�

I hung up the phone and shook my head as I dialed Nick, knowing he�d probably not even answer his phone. He never answered his phone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

�Okay I�m here now what?� I looked up at the gate numbers, trying to find baggage claim. I have been to this airport SO many times but no matter what, I get lost every damn time I try to find the baggage claim area.

I�m such a retard.

I rubbed my tired eyes, feeling a headache gradually making its way across my temples. I knew I should have not done the clubbing thing last night and gone to bed early instead. It�s not like you can just say no to Tommy Lee though. �Sorry Tommy, I have to be in bed by eleven o�clock.� Yeah okay.

I have a really hard time saying no to anybody, which usually gets me in trouble from time to time. Like now for instance, lost on the way to baggage claim, not remembering where I�m supposed to go even after I get my luggage. These going to bed at 6 A.M. days have to stop.

I looked up and happily saw the sign pointing me towards my baggage �Woohoo!� I said out loud, only to get a very odd look from an elderly couple standing next to me.

�Sorry, I�m happy so I woohooed.� Now I was apologizing for woohooing.

They both looked at me and smiled, �Well isn�t that wonderful.� The lady said before grabbing her husband�s arm and walking away.

I�m an idiot.

After finally grabbing my luggage, I made my way out into the nice, thick, polluted Los Angeles air. I haven�t been to LA in at least a few months, it felt good to be back. Because we will be staying here while we work on the album, I�m going to probably end up getting my own place here but for now, I can stay at Tommy�s.

�Woohoo!� Wouldn�t you know who walked by as I said that?

�Oh look it�s the happy boy again dear.� I giggled when I heard the old lady whisper that.

The happy boy, now I�m glad that none of the guys heard that one. Speaking of them? I wonder if they were already here. I guess I would just call them when I got to Tommy�s place which brought up another good question, how was I getting to Tommy�s place? He gave me directions but I didn�t have a car here.

I turned to go back into the airport, �I guess I will rent.�

Yeah that didn�t turn out to be a very good idea. Did you know that you have to be 25 years old to rent a car? I wish I had known that, how the hell had I managed to get cars before?

�I seriously can�t be this blonde can I?� I felt my ass tingle and reached for the pocket that held my phone.

�Hello?�

�Nick, why do you sound confused?� I walked away from the rental counter and plopped myself down on the chairs, looking around for my luggage that I hadn�t bothered to carry with me to the rental counter in the first place.

�Hi AJ� I sound confused?�

AJ laughed and coughed, it was a smoker�s laugh, �Yeah buddy you sound really confused.�

�Did you know you can�t rent a car until you�re 25?�

�I thought that was common knowledge, but some places let you rent at 21. I have gotten cars before I turned 25.�

�Well at the airport you have to be 25.�

�So, I�m guessing that�s where you are then?�

�Uh huh.�

�And let me guess you tried to rent a car but couldn�t?� He was sounding amused by this which wasn�t a big surprise.

�Yup, that�s correct.�

�How come you didn�t call D? You were supposed to do that so they knew when you�d be getting in.�

�Damn! I knew I forgot to do something.�

I stood up, having a mini panic attack about my luggage. Did I bring it outside with me when I left? Of course I did�duh?

�So how long have you been there?�

�Been where?� I asked walking towards the exit, happy to see my bags just sitting there in their unattended glory.

�LAX�

�Oh, not long. Probably about thirty minutes or so�damn.�

�Damn what?�

�These aren�t my bags.� I said as I read some foreign name on the tag.

�You�ve been carrying around someone else�s luggage?�

�No, I kind of misplaced my bags and thought these were them.�

�You misplaced your bags?�

�Yes�they have to be here somewhere.�

I realized that I was talking more to myself than AJ at this point, to which he sounded amused and annoyed. �Did you check the baggage claim area?�

�I�m going back there now�I know I�m going to get lost.� He laughed at me.

�I knew this was going to be an amusing conversation.�

�I�m glad you think this is so funny Bone, why don�t you come and pick me up?�

�I am about an hour away, well now maybe 45 minutes.�

�What?�

�I�m driving.�

�Why?�

�Long story.�

�Are you anywhere near the airport?� I asked once again lost on the way to baggage claim. I wasn�t about to tell him that though.

�I think I might be, okay Nick, I�ll come and pick your ass up, but you�ll be waiting for a little while. Maybe you should take a cab.�

�I still haven�t found my luggage.�

He laughed; I could tell he was finding this all very funny. �Okay I�ll be there in about 30 minutes or so. Try not to get lost between now and then. What terminal are you in?�

�Delta I think.�

�You think?�

�Delta.� I rolled my eyes at the phone.

�Okay I�ll be there. Why don�t you sit your ass down by the rental place and wait for me okay?�

�Yup, thanks J.�

�Not a problem, next time don�t forget to check in, everyone was worried.�

For some reason that brought a smile to my face, maybe things would be back to normal after all. Now if only I could find baggage claim.


	3. Chapter 3

****

**3  
  
  
  
It�s all Howie�s fault�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I wonder if I can make the trash can from where I�m sitting. It�s clear across the room. Yeah if I were a betting man, which I�m not�I would say that I can indeed throw this balled up piece of paper into the garbage can from here.  
  
  
  
I grabbed the ball of paper, which contained probably the stupidest song lyrics I had ever written, and aimed at the trashcan, of course making it in on the first try.  
  
  
  
�Two points for Littrell�and the crowd goes wild.�  
  
  
  
Why was no one ever here when I did stuff like that? And then of course when I brag about it later, I won�t be able to do it again. So, I figured I�d practice by grabbing another piece of paper and balling it up, once again flinging it into the trashcan that was way across the room. This time I missed.  
  
  
  
�Dang!�  
  
  
  
Now that I was quickly bored with that, my mind wandered to how anxious I felt as I stepped off the plane. I�m glad that the second I saw Howie at the airport, I calmed down. Not that I was ever really nervous in the first place, but still�it�s been awhile. The second I saw D walking towards me with phone in one hand and huge bag in the other, it felt like normal.  
  
  
  
Maybe I should have gone with him to pick Kevin up. I thought it would be fun to just hang around here by myself but that�s when it occurred to me how little time I have actually spent all alone. Having a family kind of changes your idea of alone time. It suddenly goes from being alone time to family time and you know what? I liked that.  
  
  
  
I already missed my little family and I haven�t even been gone for an entire day yet. This was going to be harder than I thought it would be. Suddenly thoughts of my wife and child flooded my mind and I almost picked up the phone and called them, again. Yes I already have called them twice actually; once when I landed on California soil and the other as soon as Howie walked out the door. To call them three times in less than a half day would label me as officially pathetic.  
  
  
  
But still�  
  
  
  
Luckily the sound of knocking on the door made me put the phone down. Instead I jumped up and ran over to the front door to greet someone who I hoped would take my boredom away. Sure enough Howie was standing there, carrying one of my cousins bags while my cousin was nowhere in sight.  
  
  
  
�Where�s Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�He decided he needed stuff from the store in the lobby.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, so was it bad? Did you have a hard time finding the airport?�  
  
  
  
�Not too bad, I almost got lost�any word from Nicky?� He walked past me and flung the bag onto the floor.  
  
  
  
�Not directly, AJ is calling him.�  
  
  
  
�Oh okay so we heard from AJ? Is he close?�  
  
  
  
�He wasn�t sure.� Howie laughed.  
  
  
  
�You know, you left your cell phone here D. Did you miss it?�  
  
  
  
Howie looked excitedly over at the coffee table I was pointing to, �Thank God!�  
  
  
  
I laughed when he grabbed it and placed it in his pocket. He probably loved that thing as much as I loved my wife.  
  
  
  
�Did it ring while I was gone?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah about a thousand times, I didn�t pick it up though, I just let your voicemail take it.�  
  
  
  
Howie grabbed the phone out of his pocket, �Okay thanks.� He quickly put it up to his ear and walked away.  
  
  
  
I was amazed how much Howie had grown since the last time we had been together. You know he was one of the people I haven�t really seen or talked to much during our time apart. It�s not like we ever hated each other or anything, but for some reason we just never had much to say to one another. I remember randomly calling him on his sister�s anniversary, which seems odd I�m sure, but out of the blue I looked at the date and remembered Caroline. So I called, he seemed pleasantly surprised.  
  
  
  
At first the conversation was a little awkward but you know what? We ended up talking for almost two hours! I think towards the end of the Black and Blue tour that was probably the amount of time I talked to him spread over a span of two whole months. He caught me up on his business ventures with his brother and I told him all about Baylee. It felt good and really it was when I got off the phone with him, that I told my wife how badly I wanted this reunion to happen.  
  
  
  
It was all Howie�s fault.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�This is all Howie�s fault!� I said to my one bag when I finally found it and brought it back to the chairs I was told to sit in and not move from. I only hoped that AJ hadn�t come and gone in the time it took me to re find baggage claim and then file a missing baggage form since my other luggage was nowhere to be found, just the small one which was lying by its lonesome near the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Great way to start over Nickolas! I shook my head in disgust, telling myself once again that I would never stay up so late that I have half a head for important things like this. Lord only knows what happened to my luggage. Some freakazoid could have taken it and even now as we speak can be selling my drawers on E-Bay.  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh and fished in my carry on to find the bottle of aspirin I at least had enough sense to bring, but of course when I found it I audibly ughed because I didn�t have anything to drink. There was no way I was going in search of water now, not even a fountain. With my luck, I�d come back to find nothing here when I returned.  
  
  
  
So I did the only thing I could possibly do in this situation, I opened the bottle popped four of the aspirin in my mouth and sucked down a big gob of my own spit.  
  
  
  
�Okay headache go away now please!� I said closing my eyes, ignoring the stares I was getting from people waiting for their cars to be brought around to them, lucky over 25 year olds.  
  
  
  
I found myself nervously shaking my ankle, a bad habit I am pretty sure I inherited from Kevin, if you can inherit habits from people who you weren�t really related to. When I was a kid, I remember that used to bug the hell out of me, he�d always set himself right next to me for every interview we ever did with the sole purpose of putting his arm behind me and pinching me if I said or did anything dumb.  
  
  
  
And when that foot went, my whole body vibrated with it, he�d make the couch move and I would roll my eyes and sometimes even put my hand on his ankle and tell him to stop. Next thing you know, I was doing the same thing.  
  
  
  
�Excuse me?� I glanced up to see a woman standing next to me with a youngish, salivating girl. She was staring at me holding a sharpie in her hand and even though I was saying �dammit it all to hell� on the inside, I instantly and out of habit gave them my smirk.  
  
  
  
�I was wondering if you wouldn�t mind taking a picture with my daughter. She is a huge fan of yours.�  
  
  
  
I stood up, trying not to lose my balance (yes I was that tired) and wrapped my arm around the little girl who started blubbering the second my body made contact with hers. I felt like Santa meeting a reluctant kid. I used to be one of those reluctant kids, terrified of Santa Clause. I would cry from the second we stood on line right up until I was on the guys lap.  
  
  
  
Now I found myself rubbing the girls back to try to calm her down as her mother took a picture of us. I�m sure one the girl would look back on and be embarrassed by as she was grimacing, her face all contorted from crying as I had a cheesy ass �take the picture already� grin on my face.  
  
  
  
When picture time was done, I took her sharpie and signed her shirt for her, hoping that we hadn�t really drawn that much attention. Luckily, no one much cared who I was, at least at the Hertz rent a car counter. So I sat back down and pulled my baseball cap lower on my head, hoping that AJ would get here soon so I could get to a bed and crash.  
  
  
  
I found myself sinking down on the row of chairs and lying there, falling into a semi restful sleep.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~~*~

  
  
  
  
�Hello is someone going to let me in or are you all sleeping in there?�  
  
  
  
I banged on the door of what I only hoped was the right suite. Why I didn�t take a key from Howie before separating at the elevator was beyond me. I forgot how big these rooms were sometimes, chances were they could all be in there but in their rooms and I would just be stuck banging on the door until I would finally have to go down to the desk and have security let me in. Yup it wouldn�t be the first time either.  
  
  
  
Once I had to do that only to find Nick and Brian sitting in the main room playing Nintendo, neither one willing to get up and let the other win. If that�s the case this time�  
  
  
  
�Hello!!� I banged on the door a little louder and much more impatiently and was rewarded when I heard Brian�s annoyed voice answer.  
  
  
  
�Hang on, I�m coming!�  
  
  
  
Finally the door opened and there stood my very tan and very blonde cousin. He looked good, healthy and older. Not that it had been such a long time since I�d seen him. We made it a point of seeing each other, his wife and my wife trying to bond, going to his house for weekend visits etc.  
  
  
  
�Where is the fire exactly?�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I just wasn�t sure you heard me.�  
  
  
  
�Who couldn�t hear you? The entire hotel probably heard you.�  
  
  
  
I dropped my bag and pulled him into a hug, �Nice to see you again Bri.�  
  
  
  
�Same to you!�  
  
  
  
I sighed and dropped onto one of the couches in the main room, �I�m so tired I can sleep right now. I hate airports.�  
  
  
  
�I know you do.�  
  
  
  
�Are AJ or Nick here yet?�  
  
  
  
�Do you see them?�  
  
  
  
�Wow so a day away from Leigh and you already have transformed into your old obnoxious self.�  
  
  
  
�I think you guys do that to me and no they aren�t here yet although rumor has it that AJ is getting close.�  
  
  
  
�And Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Anyone�s guess.�  
  
  
  
�Did anyone think to call him?�  
  
  
  
�AJ is handling that.�  
  
  
  
�Great so we get the one that probably missed his flight to call the one that probably forgot he had a flight, that�ll work out for the best.� I put my head back and closed my eyes as my cousin laughed at my quip.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he�s on the way Kev.�  
  
  
  
�I have to get myself used to staying on top of him again; I�ve been randomly practicing on my cat.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he greatly appreciated that.�  
  
  
  
�Eh, he�s a cat.� He laughed again and I smiled this time.  
  
  
  
�Where�s D?� I asked after a few minutes of silence, I felt myself falling asleep and I didn�t want to, not until the babies arrived.  
  
  
  
�On the phone.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, he stayed off the phone the entire time he was with me, I was impressed.�  
  
  
  
�He left it here by accident.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, never mind then.� I found myself sinking deeper into the nice leather couch, maybe I would just take a little nap, because a little nap never hurt anybody.  
  
  
  
�Are you hungry? I was thinking we should order some food while we are waiting.�  
  
  
  
I opened my eyes and forced myself to sit up, �Food sounds good to me.�  
  
  
  
�Pizza?�  
  
  
  
�That works I�m starving.� It was almost like my brain was waiting for my mouth to say those words, my stomach started to grumble on cue.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I need to eat for I am starving lalalalalaaaaa.� I sang my new I�m getting grouchy because I�m tired of driving and I�m hungry song as I finally saw the sign for Delta. Naturally when I asked Nick what terminal he was in he didn�t answer with the terminal name you know. Like I�m in terminal A� no he said Delta so I had to scour the entire airport looking for Delta. That kid, I swear to God.  
  
  
  
My back ached and my butt was numb, I hated long drives, why on earth do I always think I can handle driving that long alone until I actually do it? Never again!  
  
  
  
I pulled right up to the front door where it said Delta and of course, no Nick. �Why am I not surprised?�  
  
  
  
That�s when I remembered I told him to stay by the rental cars, which weren�t anywhere near where I was parked. Yup, I�m annoyed. �Kill the blonde I�m going to kill the blonde�� That was my new kill the blonde song. Oh I have a million, the guys will love them.  
  
  
  
Finally after circling the airport about ten times! NO joke!! I finally found the rental car place. I parked in front expecting to see Carter standing there waiting for me but once again, no Nick. So I had to go find a parking spot since when I went to leave the van unattended, security wasted no time getting on my ass about it. As I pulled away he said, �Nice van� and laughed at me.  
  
  
  
I parked about ten light years away from the entrance and when I finally got inside I was ready to choke the kid I hadn�t seen in a few months. All that went away when I actually did see him though.  
  
  
  
There he was lying on a row of three chairs, sound asleep, using his bag as a pillow. One leg was dangling off the chairs completely while the other was stretched out the length of the chairs. His arms folded against his body as he gently snored.  
  
  
  
He looked like crap.  
  
  
  
I walked over to him and squatted down eye level, �Nick.� I whispered.  
  
  
  
He opened his eyes and sat up with a start, rubbing at them as he shook the sleep away. �Where the hell? AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Hey.� I waved, why the hell I did that I have no idea.  
  
  
  
�I must have fallen asleep.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah you did. You okay? You kind of look like shit.�  
  
  
  
He sat up straight now and yawned, �I�m tired, got to bed really late last night and now I have a headache.�  
  
  
  
�Well let�s get the hell out of here then.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds good to me.� He stood up and actually almost lost his balance.  
  
  
  
�You sure you�re all right?�  
  
  
  
�I�m good, I just need sleep!�  
  
  
  
�I can see that.�  
  
  
  
I grabbed his bag for him, which I know was a very nice thing to do on my part, and we made our way to the van. �Is this all you brought with you?� I asked noticing how small the bag I was carrying looked.  
  
  
  
�They lost my other bag.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, that sucks.�  
  
  
  
�Tell me about it, God AJ why did you park so far away?�  
  
  
  
YAY after a four hour drive I have won the crabby, whiny Nick. This excites me greatly�not!  
  
�Sorry, if you had waited outside for me I could have just pulled up.�  
  
  
  
�You told me to stay put.�  
  
  
  
�Since when do you listen to me?�  
  
  
  
�I always listen to you.�  
  
  
  
He had a point there because he really did always listen to me, it used to drive Kevin crazy. He would sit the boy down and lecture him tirelessly about every little thing known to man. Warn him, threaten him and yell at him, but still at the end of the day Nick did what Nick wanted to do. Meanwhile, all it would take was for me to say, �Do that again and I�ll kick your ass.� And he�d stop.  
  
  
  
Gotta love the power of me.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God you�ve got to be kidding me?� I looked up to see a very amused smirk cross his face as he stared at my van.  
  
  
  
�Shit.� I grumbled under my breath.  
  
  
  
�Did you drive this thing here?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up and get in the van Carter.�  
  
  
  
�This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.� He was giggling now; the van seemed to wake him up, which was good because I planned on running him over repeatedly with it.  
  
  
  
�Shut up or you can walk your ass to the hotel.�  
  
  
  
�Hotel? What hotel?�  
  
  
  
�You think we are just going to sleep in the van?� I asked him buckling my seat belt and grimacing as he ignored his.  
  
  
  
�No, I mean I am going to Tommy�s house.�  
  
  
  
�Tommy�s house? Who the hell is Tommy?�  
  
  
  
�Lee! Tommy Lee, he gave me keys to his house.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, what the fuck are you talking about? We�re all staying at the Hilton.�  
  
  
  
�But Tommy��  
  
  
  
�You can figure that out tomorrow, the only place we are going now is the Hilton and possibly McDonald�s.�  
  
  
  
�I�m all for that one.� He turned towards the window, placing his hat as a shield between the glass and his head.  
  
  
  
�Okay McDonald�s it is��  
  
  
  
�You know you can rent a better car here.�  
  
  
  
�Shut the hell up and go to sleep.�  
  
  
  
�AJ��  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�It�s nice seeing you again.�  
  
  
  
I smiled and reached over to grab him in a sideways hug, �Same to you now shut the hell up and let me drive this smelly ass car.�  



	4. Chapter 4

****

**4  
  
  
  
The tie that binds�**

  
  
  
  
Within seconds of the drive home, even before reaching the end of the covered parking lot, Nick was sound asleep. I shook my head; of course he falls asleep just in time to pay for the parking. Why on earth did airports make you pay to park there anyway? It made no sense to me at all, I mean it�s not like we weren�t already going to be dishing out a ton of money for the trip to begin with right? Or that these people who got conned into picking their friends or family up weren�t already inconvenienced enough. No, to make it worse you have to come get me at an airport and then pay to leave the airport.  
  
  
  
Of course once I paid I became madder because it cost me $5.00! I parked in the lot for all of ten minutes. What a rip-off!  
  
  
  
I grabbed for my cell to give Rok a call to let him know that finally we were on the way to the hotel. Nick had taken my jacket and wrapped it around himself as he slept so I had to carefully go in the pocket while it was wrapped around him, to find my phone.  
  
  
  
�Quit that!� He giggled when I finally found it under his stomach, I couldn�t get to it of course, no because that would have been too easy. I really didn�t want to wake him up, he was grouchy and whiny and for some reason I didn�t want his grand entrance to look like this. I was hoping he�d look vibrant and refreshed and not the way I had pictured him so many times when I found myself randomly worrying about him.  
  
  
  
And I did worry about him, a lot.  
  
  
  
�Nick I need my phone.�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh� He swatted at my hand not really listening to me at all.  
  
  
  
�Move, I need my phone.�  
  
  
  
�Can�t you get it later?�  
  
  
  
�No I can�t get it later, just move off of it for a second.� He finally shifted his weight as he opened his eyes and sighed.  
  
  
  
I grabbed the jacket from him and picked the phone out of the pocket. Handing the jacket back to him, �Sorry, sleep� go ahead.�  
  
  
  
�Nah, if I fall asleep now you�d have to carry me up to the room.�  
  
  
  
�Okay then stay awake because that�s not happening.� He shifted in his seat and pulled his fingers through his hair.  
  
  
  
�Thanks for coming to pick me up AJ.� He said right before yawning.  
  
  
  
�Not a problem, really if you feel like you need to sleep go ahead, my guess is we have about another good half an hour before we get there.�  
  
  
  
�Are they mad I didn�t call?�  
  
  
  
�Not mad, they were just worried that�s all. I was going to call Brian now; you can instead if you want.�  
  
  
  
�Nah that�s okay I�ll let you call.� He placed his head on the window once again.  
  
  
  
�What time did you get to bed last night?�  
  
  
  
�6 in the morning,� He said as he shifted his body to get more comfortable.  
  
  
  
�Jesus Nick��  
  
  
  
�I was out with Tommy Lee; I knew it would probably be one of the last times we�d get to hang before we did this thing.�  
  
  
  
�But still��  
  
  
  
�It�s not like you haven�t ever done anything like that before.�  
  
  
  
He had a point and he knew that I couldn�t argue with it. Even though I wanted to, so I kept my mouth shut as once again he dosed off. When I heard the snores, I finally dialed Brian and groaned when I saw the stand still traffic ahead.  
  
  
  
�Hello?�  
  
  
  
�Hey!�  
  
  
  
�I thought you�d be here by now.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I made a stop to pick up a blonde.�  
  
  
  
�Uh��  
  
  
  
�Relax man, I�m talking about Nick.�  
  
  
  
�You picked him up? Where?�  
  
  
  
�Airport.�  
  
  
  
�We found the missing Nick�� I heard Rok say to the room, I was hoping he wasn�t talking to himself but smiled when I heard Howie say hallelujah.  
  
  
  
�So where are you guys then?�  
  
  
  
�Stuck in traffic.�  
  
  
  
He laughed and I groaned.  
  
  
  
�We are never ever going to get there.�  
  
  
  
�How is he?� Brian asked, he was always so worried about Nick but yet never picked up the phone to call him. I never understood that. If you are so concerned, how about letting him know that because he probably needed to know, just like I did.  
  
  
  
I talked to Brian a lot during the hiatus, he actually become my second sponsor in a lot of ways. I just kind of naturally found myself relating most to him nowadays, as opposed to the earlier ones when his lack of partying and going out made next to no sense to me. We really became close. I would sometimes call and at last minute�s notice, find myself heading out to Georgia to hang out with them all. I loved his little family almost as much as he did.  
  
  
  
Whenever talk would come up of Nick, which frequently did, I always made the suggestion that he give the kid a call. He would shrug it off and say, �He doesn�t want me to nag him.� And that would be that.  
  
  
  
I knew differently, see? I think during the time off I became the tie that binds everyone else together. I spoke to everyone during our time off and more than once or twice a month. Now that I was sober I found myself really caring and thinking about these people and I wanted them to know it as well.  
  
  
  
The thing is, when I would call they would always ask me, �So how is Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�What�s Howie up to?�  
  
  
  
�How�s Brian?�  
  
  
  
�Have you talked to Nicky?�  
  
  
  
And it always baffled me because I know if they were thinking about me, I would love to know that. It really did make no sense.  
  
  
  
�Earth to Bone?� That�s when I realized I never answered his question.  
  
  
  
�He�s tired, he went to bed really late last night and truthfully he looks like crap.� There was silence on the other end, just like I knew there would be.  
  
  
  
�Oh,� He finally said.  
  
  
  
�We�re going to be stuck here for a bit, seems like there has been an accident or something.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry about that, I bet you�re tired of driving huh?�  
  
  
  
�Hell yes.�  
  
  
  
�At least you probably got a kick ass car right?� I hesitated, knowing now that Nick saw this thing; any hopes of hiding it were futile.  
  
  
  
�Yeah real kick ass.�  
  
  
  
�We just ordered some food; do you want us to save you some?�  
  
  
  
�We are going to find a drive thru I think, I�m so hungry I could eat a cow.�  
  
  
  
�Happy cow hunting.� I laughed at his corny joke.  
  
  
  
�Thanks, tell everyone we say howdy.�  
  
  
  
�Will do and see ya soon.�  
  
  
  
I hung up and sighed, we definitely were not going anywhere anytime soon. People were getting out of their cars and sitting on their hoods which I took as anything but a good sign.  
  
  
  
So I shut the car off and got out myself, grabbing my cigarettes and sitting on my hood as I smoked and watched the police cars make their way through the traffic.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Looks like something is going on out there.� I glanced over at Brian who was now standing near the window staring out as he held the curtain at bay.  
  
  
  
�Like what?� That was enough to peek my interest, so I made my way closer.  
  
  
  
�Maybe that�s the accident that�s holding them up?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe...� I replied, �I think that might be the highway they�re on.�  
  
  
  
�If that�s the case they�ll be there for a long time.�  
  
  
  
I shrugged, �well then seems like this reunion is going just as we all expected it would.� Both Kevin and Brian laughed as I placed my legs up on the coffee table.  
  
  
  
We all looked tired and ready for bed, but it was still so early, funny what traveling could do to a person, especially when you weren�t all that used to it. I admit I haven�t really done all that much traveling since we stopped touring. I mean a vacation here or there and an occasional trek across coasts but they were few and far between.  
  
  
  
I tended to stay around my family, hanging in Florida and spending all the time in the world with the people I most cared about.  
  
  
  
�So what�s the plan for tomorrow? Or do we not have one yet?� They both looked over at me.  
  
  
  
�I guess tomorrow we brain storm, talk about album direction and just catch each other up.� Kevin said popping a pretzel into his mouth.  
  
  
  
�When do we get the studio?�  
  
  
  
�Day after tomorrow.� Brian replied, biting on his nails, a habit that he will never outgrow.  
  
  
  
�Cool, I�m looking forward to getting back in the studio.� And I was. While away from the guys, I got into the habit of jotting down as many lyrics as possible, whether they were on the backs of napkins or in a notebook. Once I even wrote a few lines down on a roll of toilet paper. Hey, sometimes inspiration comes when you least expect it.  
  
  
  
I�ll keep that one to myself though.  
  
  
  
My goal was to grow as a writer because let�s face it; playing an instrument never much suited me. Yeah I fool around with the guitar on occasion but for some reason I just can�t sing and play at the same time. Lyrics, I have a gift for, and I�m really hoping the guys will agree. I�d love it if some of my songs made it onto the album. That would mean the world to me.  
  
  
  
�I did quite a bit of writing�� I decided to blurt out, nodding my head.  
  
  
  
�So did I.� Kevin responded. �I�m not all that happy with some of my stuff though, I think a lot of it needs work.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t have all that much time to write really, well not stuff for us anyway.� Brian was working on a Christian record when the final decision was made to go ahead with this album. I almost felt bad for him, since he was the one that initiated use getting together in the first place. I don�t think he realized at the time he�d have to make a choice. I wonder if that would have made him rethink this reunion?  
  
  
  
�I�m sure AJ and Nicky have ideas too, it�ll be interesting to see what happens you know?�  
  
  
  
They both nodded at me and just for a second I became uncomfortable. My sister Polly sat me down a few days before I boarded the plane to come here, and told me not to let them push me in the back this time around. Pollyanna loves the guys with all her heart but sometimes she feels like they don�t consider me as much of a group member as they do each other, that I am the one that can be pushed aside if the need arose.  
  
  
  
I can�t totally argue with that one, because there were many times I found myself annoyed by that very fact. Never getting solos, never getting to answer some of the questions on interviews, one of them always was stepping on my lines in commercials and stuff like that. Yeah, I know I sound jealous but it used to get to me.  
  
  
  
Now I plan on standing my ground, if they don�t think my voice would fit a certain song that�s fine but I expect an explanation. No more �it�s for the best D.�  
  
  
  
�Where is our food?� Brian asked looking at his watch.  
  
  
  
�Good question, maybe I�ll call down to the lobby and�� Then there was the knock at the door.  
  
  
  
I stood up, �I�ll get it.�  
  
  
  
They both looked very excited and I admit I was kind of happy too.  
  
  
  
�Room service!� The kid behind the door said and we all cheered like idiots.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�I would kill for some room service right about now.� AJ was talking to me again, even though my eyes were closed and I was pretending to be happily asleep, he still felt the need to blabber on and on endlessly. I wonder if he did the same thing at home. I can see him carrying on a full conversation with a potted plant or something.  
  
  
  
�Good lord are we ever going to get off of this highway?� He was tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. How did I know this? I could here that skull ring of his hitting with every tap.  
  
  
  
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.  
  
  
  
�I want a Big Mac, yeah that�ll do it a nice juicy Big Mac with everything on it and some fries.�  
  
  
  
�Will you shut the hell up already?� I didn�t mean to snap, but if I haven�t already mentioned it, I had a huge headache. I mean it was in danger of turning into a full blown migraine at any minute.  
  
  
  
�Well Jesus Christ, I�m sorry�go back to sleep my prince.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry AJ, I didn�t mean to snap, I feel like crap.� I said opening my eyes and forcing myself to wake up.  
  
  
  
�Jesus have we moved at all?� I asked in disbelief. It appeared as if we were right where we were when I had fallen asleep in the first place.  
  
  
  
�Not much, I was sitting out on the hood smoking for a good twenty minutes before we started to crawl forward.�  
  
  
  
�Shit.�  
  
  
  
�Yes, shit indeed.� That made me laugh.  
  
  
  
AJ looked so great, the last time I saw him I almost couldn�t believe it. There is just this other layer to him that never existed before. Dare I say happiness? I wish I had that layer, maybe one day.  
  
  
  
�I am so hungry, you don�t happen to have any munchies in your bag do you?� I shook my head at him.  
  
  
  
�Sorry I had M&M�s but I ate them while waiting for you.�  
  
  
  
�I see Golden arches over yonder, but at this point I would be able to walk to them faster.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds like a plan, I�ll take a number two.�  
  
  
  
He grunted, �You should walk, we are in this traffic because I picked your lost ass up at the airport.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, we are on a busy highway, I�m not walking to the next exit for McDonald�s� I think he was only kidding but you never know with AJ so I had to put my foot down.  
  
  
  
�Did you drink all night?� Whoa! Okay that came out of nowhere.  
  
  
  
�You mean alcohol?�  
  
  
  
�You really are a blonde aren�t you?�  
  
  
  
�At least I have hair.�  
  
  
  
�Touch�so?�  
  
  
  
�I drank a little but not all night.�  
  
  
  
�So what does one do when one goes out and parties with Tommy Lee until 6 in the morning?�  
  
  
  
This other layer of AJ I was talking about also had its bad points. There was a very Kevin-like air about him sometimes. That tinge of I need to lecture you while we�re sitting here with nothing better to do.  
  
  
  
I wasn�t about to tell him that Tommy had gone home by 2 at the latest. After he left, I called Bean and a few others and then we went out and clubbed until they closed. I was drunk as a skunk, I know this but again I also realized that it would be the last time I could go out carefree and party.  
  
  
  
�We just hung out and listened to music.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�So you stayed up all night talking about music. Did you have a pajama party or something?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah we played patty cake, did each other�s nails and then made some prank phone calls. It was the bomb!�  
  
  
  
�Too bad I missed it. I can use a manicure.� I shook my head. It�s sad that he wasn�t even kidding about the manicure part. He now paints his nails, a new habit but again I guess anything is better than what he did before right?  
  
  
  
�Next time I�ll make sure we invite you.�  
  
  
  
�So he gave you keys to his house?� I couldn�t help but feel proud again. I know I�m a geek but this was a big deal to me. No one this cool had even bothered to acknowledge me before.  
  
  
  
�Yup, he told me I could chill there until I found a place of my own. He�s coming down in about a week.�  
  
  
  
�To check up on you?� I rolled my eyes out of habit.  
  
  
  
�No! Not to check up on me, to hang and do some stuff with the Crue.�  
  
  
  
�The Crue? As in Motley?�  
  
  
  
�Yup that�s the Crue I�m talking about.�  
  
  
  
�Do you hang with them too?� Was there a note of jealousy in his voice? I was really enjoying this.  
  
  
  
�No, I�ve never met them but I will next week.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know how Kevin�s going to feel about you hanging out with Motley Crue.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin�s going to want to come.� Because we all knew Kevin was a wannabe metal head.  
  
  
  
�I think that would be a good idea.�  
  
  
  
�When did you become a grandpa AJ?� He pffted at me.  
  
  
  
�I am not a grandpa, I just worry that�s all. And you know you love it so stop acting like you don�t.�  
  
  
  
I sighed but smiled, he knew me to well and was one of the few, if not only people who would call me out on that.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God it�s a fucking miracle�we�re moving!� He said getting all excited. I have to admit I got all excited too.  
  
  
  
�Now we get to eat�I�m so excited�lalalala� I looked at him with one eyebrow raised.  
  
  
  
�That�s my, we get to eat song.�  
  
  
  
�Very special.�  
  
  
  
�I know,� He said finally getting on the ramp and getting us off the God forsaken highway.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

****

**5  
  
  
  
Reuniting the family**

  
  
  
  
Now I had a stomachache to match the oncoming headache I was getting. Served me right for gulping down the pizza as fast as I did. What can you do? I was hungry. Howie and Brian both turned to look at me when I uncharacteristically let out a burp while rubbing at my belly.  
  
  
  
�Sorry.� They both chuckled.  
  
  
  
�I don�t think I have eaten that fast in a long time, I was starving.� I nodded at D as he grabbed his phone and walked towards the bathroom.  
  
  
  
It still felt so weird being back with these guys; it was almost like we had never left. How quickly our routines went right back to normal, Howie was on the phone in the bathroom plugging in his curling iron as he readied himself to take a shower. Brian was sitting on the floor; legs crossed hooking up the video game system to get a few quick games in before a certain blonde boy came and hogged it up. And me? Well I found myself sitting on the couch with my naked feet up on the coffee table, just soaking everything in.  
  
  
  
�How�s Baylee doing Bri?� He looked over at me and the glow I saw in his eyes almost made me want to cry. I was so happy for him and a little jealous. Kris and I wanted a child desperately. I wanted to be as ecstatic as Brian at the mere mention of my child�s name.  
  
  
  
�Getting bigger everyday. I�m not sure how I�m going to handle this Kevin.� He made his way over to me and sat beside me.  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?�  
  
  
  
�I mean being apart from them, its killing me already and it hasn�t even been an entire day yet.�  
  
  
  
�It won�t be for long Brian; once things get rolling she�ll be coming down and joining you right?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, but that still doesn�t make it any easier.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure.�  
  
  
  
�What about Kristin? How is she doing?�  
  
  
  
�Great, actually she has another gig in New York, seems like now she keeps getting more and more calls for walk on parts.�  
  
  
  
�That�s where you were right? New York?� I nodded at him.  
  
  
  
�Are you guys still trying to get pregnant?�  
  
  
  
Once again I nodded at him, �We need for Baylee to have a playmate.�  
  
  
  
�I agree.�  
  
  
  
Howie walked out of the bathroom for a moment, phone still stuck to his ear, �Do you guys need to get in here because once I�m in; I�m in for the long haul.�  
  
  
  
Part of me, the part that�s growing older by the day wanted to try to pee or something before he got into the shower because true to his word Howie never made it out of the bathroom in under an hour. But the lazy, full and tired version of me decided to take my chances, �I�m good.�  
  
  
  
�Same here, happy showering, don�t take that thing in there with you Howie we don�t want you to electrocute yourself.  
  
  
  
�What? My cell phone won�t electrocute me.�  
  
  
  
�You never know, it could short circuit.�  
  
  
  
Howie shook his head at my cousin as he made his way back into the bathroom closing the door.  
  
  
  
�When are those other two knuckleheads going to get here?� I shrugged at Brian as he once again made his way over to the TV. He seemed restless and anxious like a little kid waiting for his friends to come out and play.  
  
  
  
�Are you looking forward to seeing Nick and AJ again?�  
  
  
  
�I just saw AJ about two weeks ago or something like that.�  
  
  
  
�So that means no then?�  
  
  
  
Brian laughed, �I�m looking forward to seeing them both.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, me too.� I admitted as I picked up the magazine that was lying on the floor.  
  
  
  
�I just hope they get here soon, because otherwise I�m liable to be in bed. I swear I am on my son�s hours now�speaking of which,� He stood up in one movement; I could never understand how he was able to do that. Go from sitting Indian style to standing just by using his ankles to get himself up. I swear my cousin was a monkey. �I�m going to go call and sing him to sleep. It�s just a thing we do, and I promised him I would.�  
  
  
  
�Go and tell him his uncle Kevin loves him very much.�  
  
  
  
Brian smiled at that and then left the room, leaving me all alone with the magazine that someone had bought. I groaned when I saw that it was the National Enquirer and of course on the front cover was a picture of a drunken Nick. I didn�t open it up just rolled it into a tube and flung it in the trash.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
�This has been the longest day EVER!� I looked over at AJ and nodded my head, I felt bad for the poor guy. Driving forever and then getting stuck in traffic. Of course I was feeling even sorrier for me because my head was pounding. Eating the McDonald�s even though it seemed like a great idea at the time, only made me more nauseous and I was trying everything in my power not to hurl in the already puke colored car.  
  
  
  
I hated feeling like this; I�m not sure why I always put myself in the position to feel like this. You would think I would�ve learned my lesson by now, but nope. I�m an idiot.  
  
  
  
�You okay Nicky?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at AJ whose eyes locked with mine, �Yeah fine why?�  
  
  
  
�You just look off; you have ever since I saw you at the airport.�  
  
  
  
�I told you I didn�t get much sleep and now I�ve got a really awful headache.�  
  
  
  
�Eating didn�t help? It helped mine.�  
  
  
  
�No, I actually think eating made it worse.�  
  
  
  
�Well don�t worry we are almost there okay buddy. Why don�t you close your eyes and get some sleep.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think it�s going to be weird?� He shrugged at me.  
  
  
  
�I doubt it, why do you?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I can�t wait to get back in the studio you know? But it�ll be different that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes different is good Nick.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, he was right. I wanted to explain further but I didn�t feel like going down that road, the one that ended with me explaining how much I have changed and not necessarily for the best. I knew they were all thinking that too, even though I haven�t seen them since our last meeting in Chicago.  
  
  
  
I know since I left them, I got a little out of hand with my drinking and partying but it dawned on me back then that I was just a kid. I had turned 21, and now suddenly had freedom to do what I wanted. No nagging Kevins� or disappointed Brians� to stand in my way.  
  
  
  
The freedom was liberating at first, I loved every minute of it, until it got to the point that I started drinking just to escape everything else going on in my life, my family mostly.  
  
  
  
�Nick��  
  
  
  
�Yup?�  
  
  
  
�So tell me what the deal is with Tommy�s place again?�  
  
  
  
�There is no deal; he is letting me stay at his place while we are in LA.�  
  
  
  
�But I thought we had all decided to stay together.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t remember that.�  
  
  
  
�Of course you don�t, Kevin was saying it and I remember you zoned out.�  
  
  
  
�You can remember me zoning out? How do you know when I do that?�  
  
  
  
�Lord Nick, it�s not like a mystery, you all but drool when you go into your other world.� I had to laugh at that because he was right. One time during a meeting with our management, Brian and AJ thought it would be the funniest thing in the world to tape me when I started zoning out so as this serious meeting was happening and my mind started to wander, Brian whips out this camcorder and starts taping me. We got in SO much trouble when that meeting was over. Kevin was fuming!  
  
  
  
Ironically, it was me he yelled at though. That always happened, Brian could be holding the evidence and Kevin would still look at me and yell!  
  
  
  
�I wonder if that will change.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Oh sorry, I was thinking out loud.�  
  
  
  
�I�m impressed you were thinking period.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up, you�re such a dink�I was wondering if Kevin was going to yell at me for every little thing that happens again. Remember how he liked to blame me for all that went wrong in the world?�  
  
  
  
�I have no idea what you�re talking about.� AJ said with a huge smirk on his face.  
  
  
  
�Yeah I�m so sure.� I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed, �And if you knew I was zoning out than why did you even bother asking me a question?�  
  
  
  
�Eh? It gave me something to do.� I cracked up; Bone always had a way of making me laugh about the stupidest things. He was great for stuff like that. Even when we were kids, I could be in the worst mood known to man and it would be AJ who could make me feel better by cracking an inappropriate joke or coming out with a gay knock knock joke.  
  
  
  
�I missed you AJ.�  
  
  
  
He reached over and grabbed my shoulder, �I missed you too little buddy.�  
  
  
  
I smiled and closed my eyes, trying to keep my Quarter pounder with cheese, fries, chicken nuggets and hot fudge sundae in my stomach.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Are you sure you don�t need me to come home?� I was biting my bottom lip, as my wife held our crying child in her arms.  
  
  
  
�It�s not a big deal Brian; it�s just a tummy ache.�  
  
  
  
�But you said he has a fever.�  
  
  
  
�Nothing a little children�s Tylenol can�t handle. Relax babe, everything is under control.�  
  
  
  
�I know� I just hate being away when he�s sick�that�s all.� I wanted to continue but decided not to. The truth was when I heard my son start crying about how much he missed me; I all but lost it on this end.  
  
  
  
There�s really nothing worse than feeling that you are letting down your child, and to hear his hurt little voice begging me to come home was enough to make me want to book the first flight out of here, forget about reunions and go do what I did best which was be a dad.  
  
  
  
�Honey, I better go before he gets sick again okay?� I knew it was coming but I didn�t want to hear it.  
  
  
  
�Okay, tell him I love him? And I love you too.�  
  
  
  
�I love you more.� I smiled as she hung up the phone.  
  
  
  
I was a mess, my eyes were puffy from crying and I wished I had a bathroom to go into to wash my face off so I wouldn�t look like the world�s biggest wuss when I encountered my cousin again. I wiped my eyes with the tissues that were in my room and pasted on a smile as I joined Kevin who looked tired and grumpy. His arms crossed and his feet stretched out in front of him as he watched TV. When he saw me enter the room he looked up and smiled at me.  
  
  
  
�So how�s the family?�  
  
  
  
�Baylee is sick, he was throwing up before so Leigh had to go.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry to hear that.�  
  
  
  
�So am I. He begged me to come home, it was horrible.�  
  
  
  
�You used to do that to your mom and dad all the time Brian.� I sat beside him and placed my legs up on the table next to his. I was always so small next to my cousin. Even now, my legs barely reached the table while his extended half way to the middle.  
  
  
  
�I did?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, when they would go on their no kids� vacations and you and your brother would stay with us, you would always beg them to come home all the time. You always had my mother in tears.�  
  
  
  
�Oops, tell her I�m sorry about that next time you talk to her.�  
  
  
  
�I think it�s just what kids do Bri. I�m sorry I know it must suck though.�  
  
  
  
�It does and is Howie ever coming out of that bathroom?�  
  
  
  
�Has it been an hour yet?� That made me look at my watch and yes it had been almost an hour. My mind went automatically to AJ and Nick who were still on the road.  
  
  
  
�Those two are going to be cranky by the time they get here.� I said showing my cousin my watch as proof.  
  
  
  
�Great, I�m looking forward to that.� Kevin said, sarcasm dripping from every word.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I should call AJ�s cell,� I pulled out my phone and punched in the number AJ had called me from earlier. I didn�t have his number programmed into my cell phone but I actually only had family in there.  
  
  
  
�AJ�s van service how may I help you?�  
  
  
  
�Are you still on the road Bone?�  
  
  
  
�Of course we are, in fact we love driving around so much we think we might just turn around and go back to the airport and try this all over again.�  
  
  
  
I laughed when I heard Nick whisper, �Who is that?�  
  
  
  
�Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Oh Hey Brian!� He yelled so I could hear him.  
  
  
  
�Tell him I said hello.� I replied.  
  
  
  
�Brian says go to hell Nick.� AJ said instead.  
  
  
  
�AJ!� I yelled into the phone which had Kevin look up at me and sigh. �How much longer until you guys get here?�  
  
  
  
�You miss us that much? Are the other two that boring?�  
  
  
  
I would have loved to give my cousin a gentle diss right then but of course since he was sitting right by me I couldn�t. �We just are worried about you guys.�  
  
  
  
�I actually see the hotel right now, and I�m driving towards it like a beacon in the night.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent, they see the hotel.� I said to my cousin who smiled at me in return.  
  
  
  
�Tell them to hurry so I can go to bed.� Kevin said through a yawn.  
  
  
  
�He said��  
  
  
  
�I heard him, you can tell the old man he doesn�t have to wait up for us.�  
  
  
  
�Right, like I�m going to tell him that, see ya in a little bit. Tell Nicky I aim to beat him at a video game or ten.�  
  
  
  
�I think in the state he�s in you�ll have no trouble doing just that.� I wanted to press because I didn�t like hearing that, but instead I let him go.  
  
  
  
�Be safe and see you soon!� I said as I hung up the phone and anticipated our little reunion.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I clicked off the phone and placed it next to me, �They miss us Nick.�  
  
  
  
When I didn�t get an immediate answer I looked over to find him rubbing at his temples. He really did look like utter crap, I know I keep saying that but it was the truth. �You hanging in there buddy?�  
  
  
  
�God AJ, since when have you been so concerned about my well being?� That was asked very snappishly but I refused to play into his horrible mood. He was right though, I never really ever got myself on the �show Nick love and sympathy� bandwagon like the rest of my band mates used to.  
  
  
  
�I have always cared about you.�  
  
  
  
�Riiight, well sorry, I didn�t mean to snap, are we there yet?� He asked right as we made the turn into the parking garage. Normally I would have done the whole valet, bell boy thing but I was not about to park this thing in front of the Hilton. No way!  
  
  
  
�We are here right now sir.�  
  
  
  
�Praise the lord!� He let out a sigh and held his stomach as he did.  
  
  
  
�You aren�t going to yarf on me or anything are you?�  
  
  
  
�What the hell is a yarf?�  
  
  
  
�You know what I mean, throw up.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t you mean barf?�  
  
  
  
�Nope I mean yarf, if I wanted to say barf I would have said barf, I like yarf.�  
  
  
  
�You�re odd.� He said climbing out of the van and grabbing for his bag.  
  
  
  
Once again he swayed and I swear to God I thought he was going to pass out on me. I even made the monumental mistake of gasping. He glared at me, and I mean full on glared. �Would you relax! I�m just ill.�  
  
  
  
�Okay sorry, let�s get you upstairs then.� He nodded and after grabbing my gazillion bags we ventured out of the van from hell and into the hotel.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I love the bathroom, it seems like such an odd statement but I really do. Maybe it�s from growing up the youngest in a large family that only had one bathroom to its name, but whenever I got into that room I always felt like I had won some silent victory. I could spend hours in the bathroom because it�s the one place no one will bother you.  
  
I know that was probably the only thing that annoyed the guys when I was concerned. My hogging of the bathroom, but hey if that was the worst habit I had; I was in pretty good shape.  
  
  
  
That made me wonder how long I was actually in the bathroom to begin with. Judging by the gradual defogging of the windows and the dryness of the floor, I was easily over the one hour mark. Long even for me, but part of me felt so much more comfortable in here than out there.  
  
  
  
Don�t get me wrong, the guys didn�t make me feel bad in the least but for whatever reason, I felt more at ease in this rather large bathroom than I did out there. �All good things must come to an end I guess.� I thought to myself as I finally opened the door, releasing steam as I did.  
  
  
  
�Well thank GOD, I thought I was going to pee my pants.� Brian said running toward the room as soon as he heard the door click open.  
  
  
  
�I told you to go before I showered and don�t turn off my hot iron.�  
  
  
  
�Yes sir.� He said before bolting into the bathroom and closing the door.  
  
  
  
I walked out into the living room, surprised to see that AJ and Nicky hadn�t gotten in yet. I thought for sure I would have found them sitting and laughing at my wet head. It was then that a knock on the door was heard.  
  
  
  
�It�s us open the door!� Kevin jumped from his seat and ran over to the door, �It�s about freaking time!� He growled under his breath. A new wave of feelings took over for me knowing that we would all finally be together again. It went from nerves to exhilaration as I saw AJ hug Kevin at the door.  
  
  
  
My happiness was abruptly halted when Nick pushed AJ almost knocking him into Kevin and headed to the bathroom. �What the hell?� I heard Kevin say as Nicky brushed by me. He was holding his hand on his mouth.  
  
  
  
Stupidly I followed him, �Nicky, Brian is in the bathroom.� AJ and Kevin were now directly behind me as Nick looked at me and then puked�all over me and my clean self.  
  
  
  
�Holy shit!� Kevin whispered, his eyes wide as Nick keeled over and finished his business all over the carpet.  
  
  
  
�Wow D, better you than me.� AJ said wincing at the smell.  
  
  
  
As for me? I just stood there perplexed and disgusted, my arms held away from my newly adorned shirt trying my hardest not to gag and join my young friend as he redecorated our very expensive carpet.  
  
  
  
Brian was a bit surprised to open the bathroom door and see Nick keeled over on all fours vomiting at his feet almost. Then he looked over at me and my shirt and back at AJ and Kevin who were both staring at Nick. I�m sure it was one of those Kodak moments everyone talks about.  
  
  
  
After Nick was finally done, Kevin managed to make his way over to him and help him up to his feet.  
  
  
  
�Hey! The gangs all here!� Brian said wearing the cheesiest grin I had ever seen. And I couldn�t help it, even though I stunk and was about ready to vomit myself, I still managed to laugh as did AJ and finally Brian. Kevin and Nick? Not so much.  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

****

**6  
  
  
  
So stereotypically me�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I was beyond mortified by what I had just done. I had only done that two times in my life, once I was maybe 10 years old and the urge to vomit hit me so hard that I couldn�t do much more than sit in my own bed and puke my guts out. The second time happened right as we got off stage one time in Germany, I was maybe about 15 or 16 and felt so ill. We bowed and suddenly while standing up from that bow I felt the bile rise in my throat and I ran, barely able to make it off the stage right before puking my guts out.  
  
  
  
Don�t get me wrong, I have been sick many times, too many to count with my head hung over a toilet bowl but I�m talking about uncontrolled vomiting like I just did in front of the guys.  
  
  
  
The fact that they all laughed made it even worse, but then I had Kevin giving me that look he so often did as he helped me off the ground, just as he had done in Germany all those years ago.  
  
  
  
�I�m okay.� I said quickly to brush his help off and get myself into the bathroom where I shut the door to them and never wanted to open it again. I heard them murmuring outside the door, AJ explaining that I had a headache and trying to cover for me.  
  
  
  
I threw my soiled shirt off and flung it into the garbage can, almost wanting to cry. How quickly being with them all made me feel like a baby again. I guess the projectile vomiting didn�t help make me feel like such a grown up either. Finally the talking ceased, I�m sure most of them went to go change.  
  
  
  
�You okay in there?� I was wondering who would ask. I remember when I was a kid and was in one of those moods where I acted like the entire world was going to end. I always sat in anticipation of who would come to my rescue? Who would actually take a minute to see if I was okay? Most of the time, it was Brian. Back when I was young and naive, I used to think it was because he cared the most. It wasn�t until I got older that I realized maybe it was because he was given the job as Nick�s babysitter.  
  
  
  
It was that thought that made me realize what a foul and sad mood I was in, �I�m okay.� I barely was able to whisper. Had I actually started to cry? What the hell?  
  
  
  
�Are you sure?� I wanted to say no, but I couldn�t. Dramatics were no longer allowed once you hit 21, at least that is what I was told by a stern Kevin one night on the Black and Blue tour when we were ready to kill each other.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure Brian�thanks for asking.�  
  
  
  
�If you need anything just holler okay?�  
  
  
  
�Kay.�  
  
  
  
And then he was gone too, I heard him walking away. I splashed some water on my face, and noticed that I looked like total hell. No wonder I kept catching AJ staring at me on the long drive to the hotel.  
  
  
  
My head was still pounding so I went searching for aspirin. Howie had a bag in here which was a good thing, I opened it, knowing he wouldn�t mind and couldn�t help but laugh at some of the things I was pulling out of there.  
  
  
  
�How much lotion does one person need?� I shook my head as I pulled bottle after bottle of lotion out of the guy�s bag only to finally come across what I was looking for. Tylenol! YES!  
  
  
  
I opened the bottle as if I was an addict, taking out about five of them and popping them in my mouth before sticking my head under the faucet and chugging down some water. That being done I allowed myself to sit down on the floor of the bathroom and close my eyes, trying to get a hold on my emotions before I walked out the door.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Is he all right?� My cousin was quick to ask as I walked back into the main room. I have to admit I was still kind of confused about the events that transpired while I was attempting to pee in peace. How odd but yet not, to see all of my band mates gathered right outside the door as Nick spewed his guts all over the floor. What does one say to that exactly? I almost said, �Well howdy Nick, nice to see you again too.� But decided it probably wasn�t the best time.  
  
  
  
You know I used to not be able to handle stuff like that before Baylee was born. I would have been right next to him puking up my guts but since having a child, I�m totally immune to all things gross. Bring it on I say, I�m ready to handle it.  
  
  
  
Howie on the other hand, looked like he was ready to just vomit all over the place as he was walking around shirtless with a garbage bag containing his brand new Versace shirt. Yes he did make it a point to let us know it was a Versace, as he tossed it in the garbage.  
  
  
  
AJ was already on the balcony smoking. I waved to him as I started for the door. �Hello? Brian�is he all right?� Oh yes my cousin�s question, I had forgotten to respond.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, he didn�t sound all right but he said he was okay. I think he just needs his own space for a few minutes.�  
  
  
  
�Well I hope he doesn�t take too long, I need to a shower after that.� I laughed at Howie as he stood there shaking his head.  
  
  
  
�I�m going out to talk to AJ.� I said once again making my way to the balcony, when he saw me; he kindly threw his cigarette into the ash tray.  
  
  
  
I slid opened the door and stepped outside. The night air was crisp but felt good, not nearly as cold as Georgia had been. Seems like I can cling on to summer a little longer, I�m glad I brought so many pairs of shorts.  
  
  
  
�How are you doing Boner?� I asked moving in for a hug. Do to the unexpected bathroom incident we never did get a decent hello.  
  
  
  
�I�m good, tired as all hell and never want to see a car again, but otherwise good.�  
  
  
  
�He didn�t do that in the car did he?�  
  
  
  
�If he did, you know I would have just left his ass on the side of the road.� I laughed, that was AJ for you. He had changed in so many ways over the past few years, all of them for the absolute best, but the one thing that didn�t change was his sense of humor and I for one was very grateful for that.  
  
  
  
�How hard has today been for you?� He asked me already lighting up another cigarette.  
  
  
  
�Pretty hard, I think I called home about ten times already. Bay is sick which isn�t helping.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry to hear that.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks, and he cried and wanted me to come home.�  
  
  
  
�You know Rok; no one would hold it against you if you invited them to come here early. We all know he�s just a baby.�  
  
  
  
As much as I wanted to believe that, I knew it wasn�t true. Leighanne was always a big factor in many of the arguments that took place between our group right before the break. They felt she was hanging around all the time, which she was I guess, but then again she was my wife. Nick especially wouldn�t be very happy about that so for now I�ll just suck it up.  
  
  
  
�It�s okay, I have to get used to it if we are going to have another go at this.�  
  
  
  
�Well, just so you know, we�ll understand.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.�  
  
  
  
�Is Senor pukey pants out of the bathroom yet?�  
  
  
  
�Nice nickname.�  
  
  
  
�I�m telling you Rok, I have a ton.�  
  
  
  
�No he�s not and when he is I think Howie has dibs.�  
  
  
  
�Great, I�ll never get in there. Tell me how we can manage to stay in a huge ass suite with only one bathroom?�  
  
  
  
I laughed as he finished his second cigarette, �I�m going inside before I freeze my nuts off, are you coming?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head, �I think the fresh air will do me some good actually.� I said giving him a smile.  
  
  
  
�Fair enough, have fun�� And with that being said he walked back inside leaving me to some peace and quiet, well if you didn�t count the car horns blaring down below.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I came back inside in time to hear part of a conversation concerning what had happened as we made our grand entrance. �I worry.� That�s how I knew, just hearing Kevin say those two words. He worries a lot Kevin, but in this case I totally was on that same page with him.  
  
  
  
He looked at me and nodded as did D who I couldn�t help but laugh at in his boxers and tee shirt. It was so uncharacteristic of him. �Why are you walking around naked?�  
  
  
  
�Because Nicky threw up all over my brand new Versace shirt.�  
  
  
  
�And the boxers?�  
  
  
  
�He threw up on my jeans too.�  
  
  
  
�Not Versace I take it?�  
  
  
  
�No, they were Gap.�  
  
  
  
�Ah I see.� I loved teasing Howie, true when it came down to it that was Nick�s job, but still every chance I had to make fun of him I gladly took. I love that guy, honestly.  
  
  
  
�How was the ride?�  
  
  
  
�Long�  
  
  
  
�Care to tell us why you ended up driving here?� Let me explain something about Kevin, as I stated before he was a worry wart plain and simple. The man worried about anything and everything and that was something that was stereotypically Kevin, he was what we called a misplaced worrier. We being Nick and I, we gave him that little moniker one night when we were both having a pity party about not being old enough to go out clubbing with the rest of the guys. We sat there and compared Kevin stories and what we realized is when he worried about one of us and that person was unavailable, he automatically went right down the line to the next one. For instance, one time Nick missed his ten o�clock curfew. I know he�s not our dad or anything but still you wouldn�t even believe how anal Kevin was even if I sat here with pages upon pages of proof. So Nick doesn�t make his curfew, instead of going out and trying to find Nick, he comes to my room where he finds me smoking. The man sat with me for two hours lecturing me on why smoking is bad for my health. When Nick got home, he was so lectured out he just nodded to the kid and said �hey� before going back to his room. Nick smirked at me that night knowing full well it was because the misplaced worrier had struck again.  
  
  
  
It was that thought that stayed in my mind when I decided to leave out the details of my irresponsibility concerning booking flights and went with my good old stand by answer, �Well it seemed like a good idea at the time.�  
  
  
  
�I bet you�re tired huh?� He asked eyeing me carefully.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, a bit.�  
  
  
  
�I was certain you had missed a flight or something, that�s a really boring and slightly disappointing story AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry to disappoint you Howie. Next time, I�ll make something up.�  
  
  
  
�How have you been feeling?� See? Again the misplaced worrier was on the loose. I wasn�t going to let it happen again though, with age came wisdom.  
  
  
  
�I�ve been fine but I don�t think it�s me you have to worry about Kevin.� HA! Try bouncing it back onto me know Kevin, I dare you!  
  
  
  
�Is he hung-over J?� suddenly I felt guilty; maybe I should have just taken one for the team.  
  
  
  
�No, I don�t think so Kevin. I just think he stupidly went to bed very late and didn�t get enough sleep.� Hadn�t I said this already?  
  
  
  
�Because he looks like crap so I wasn�t sure.� Kevin said now shaking that foot of his as he crossed it on top of his other leg.  
  
  
  
�No need to worry Kevin, I�m sure maybe it�s nerves being back and lack of sleep��  
  
  
  
�And you most likely were driving like a lunatic.� Howie cut in, so much for Sweet D.  
  
  
  
�Nope in fact I was driving like a granny.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah granny from hell maybe.�  
  
  
  
�Howie don�t you have a new Versace shirt to go put on or something?� I asked him playfully which brought out a smile and a wink from him.  
  
  
  
�Yes I am going to go change and shower�AGAIN!�  
  
  
  
�Oh great well before you do that I need to use the bathroom if Nick ever comes out of there.�  
  
  
  
�I�m going to go check on him actually, let him know I don�t plan on killing him or anything,� Howie said.  
  
  
  
�Good idea,� I replied as I watched Howie leave the room.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I walked into the master bedroom, which I was quick to claim as my own. Usually Kevin always ended up with it, how that happened was anyone�s guess but since Brian and I were the first two in, I decided to gobble it up. Brian didn�t seem to care; I don�t think he even realized it. I wouldn�t be the least bit surprised though if when I got out of the shower, Kevin�s stuff was in here and mine was out in the hallway.  
  
  
  
For now, I plopped on the huge king sized bed, still half naked. I tried to talk myself out of taking another shower, truth was the days traveling had all but wiped me out and it�s not like Nick actually vomited on me. It was just my clothes that got it. I could wait until morning, get up extra early and hop in the shower before the other guys were even awake.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, like that�s gonna happen.� I said sitting up and shaking my head.  
  
  
  
It is no big secret that I enjoy my sleep, in fact it�s one of the many things the guys get on my case about. In a playful way of course, why does everyone love to pick on me? It was far from uncommon to wake up with something stuck in my mouth. One day I was going to choke to death because of that and than I�d be sure to come back and haunt Nick for the rest of his life.  
  
  
  
Anyway back to my sleeping problem. As much as it sounded like a good idea to get up early and do the shower thing, in all actuality I know that I�m going to be the last one to wake up, as always.  
  
  
  
�Howie� I looked up to the sound of a hoarse and tired voice. There stood Nick peeking his head into my room holding his body against the door frame. �Okay maybe I won�t be the last one up,� I thought as I looked at him.  
  
  
  
�Hey Nicky�  
  
  
  
�Hey, I just wanted to say I�m so sorry about that. I�ll buy you whatever it is I ruined okay?�  
  
  
  
I don�t know what it is about this kid, for as long as I�ve known him he has driven me crazy. Picking on me to NO end, as if I was his pet or something but yet, he just got to me. Maybe it was how small he was when we first started, how lost he always looked and how he always followed me around with those big puppy dog eyes of his, but I could never stay mad at the kid, ever.  
  
  
  
�It�s no problem Nick; I have a ton of shirts really. Are you feeling any better?� He took that as an invitation to walk into my room and then plopped on the bed next to me.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe I did that, God I�m such a loser.�  
  
  
  
�I have to admit, it was kind of funny.� I said with a smile, not really thinking it was all that funny but trying to make him feel better. He was always putting himself down and I hated that about him. Of course I would never say that to his face because that ironically enough would be putting him down and what good would that do?  
  
  
  
�It wasn�t funny, it was dumb and now you all think I�m an idiot.� He said rubbing at his eyes.  
  
  
  
�No we don�t�� I was quick to answer.  
  
  
  
�I do�� We both looked over at the door to see AJ with a towel over his shoulder, �I�m going in for a well deserved shower, do you need to puke or anything?�  
  
  
  
Nick smiled, �Nah I�m good for now.�  
  
  
  
�You�re just going to wait until I come out and then ralph all over me too huh? Is that how you work?�  
  
  
  
I love how AJ has the ability to take any situation and make light of it. In this case it was very much needed. I was glad to see Nick smiling and laughing along with him, you never knew sometimes.  
  
  
  
�Yup that�s my plan, let me know when you�re done and I�ll be waiting for you.�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing buddy,� AJ replied winking at the two of us before turning and walking into the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Once gone I decided to finally get myself up and put my pajamas on since AJ made the decision for me to wait until tomorrow before showering. �So how have you been? Well besides the puking thing?� I asked as I put my sweats on.  
  
  
  
He sat up and ran his hands through his hair, �I�ve been okay�been really busy. I was working with Tommy on some stuff. He�s using me on one of his tracks on the album.�  
  
  
  
�That�s very cool! Congrats!�  
  
  
  
�Thanks, it�s not something I wrote but I�m singing on it. It�ll be cool just to be on a rock album like that. I hope he really uses it.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he will.� I said pulling on a tee shirt and sitting on the bed.  
  
  
  
He crossed his legs Indian style and once again rubbed his eyes, �Why don�t you go to bed Nicky, I know you�ve had a long day.�  
  
  
  
�Truthfully? I don�t want to pass Brian and Kevin.�  
  
  
  
I think I knew that already, by the way he kept glancing over towards the door. I have to say I�m glad that I was always one of the older guys in this group because I never much had to deal with the side of Kevin that Nick and AJ had to deal with. To me, Kevin was always more of a mutual friend. I never had to deal with the guy who got on everyone�s case about fooling around and doing stupid things, but then again I never much did anything too stupid. I had my moments but still, lucky me I guess.  
  
  
  
�Nick, I think Kevin is too tired to even say anything one way or the other, besides AJ explained that you were up really late last night.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t want our first encounter to be so stereotypically me you know?� God he looked so sad. I didn�t know what to say to make him feel better.  
  
  
  
�I don�t consider what happened stereotypically you Nick, it�s not like every time we see you, you�re puking on one of us.� That helped, because he laughed.  
  
  
  
�I guess your right.�  
  
  
  
�I�m always right.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks D,� He said standing up, �Maybe I�ll just sleep on your floor tonight, can I do that?�  
  
  
  
�Nick, you have a huge bed why on earth?� But I didn�t have to ask that, I knew the answer. He didn�t want to be by himself and he certainly didn�t want to be lectured even though I assured him that wouldn�t happen. So I found myself doing the same thing I always did when he was young, it came out of my mouth before my brain could stop it.  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you sleep in here then, this way you don�t have to deal with Kevin and maybe you�ll get some sleep.�  
  
  
  
�Really?� He asked surprised and pleasantly at that. Meanwhile I wanted to slap myself. I can�t even tell you how many times I did that when he was little. He never wanted to sleep alone so he�d show up in my room and pretend it was because he wanted to pick on me. I knew it was because he hated being alone, on the few occasions that he was left to a room of his own, so I played along let him fall asleep on my bed and then would go into his room and sleep.  
  
  
  
Force of habit and very stereotypically me!  
  
  
  
He walked over and gave me a huge hug, �I love you Howie.� He said very sincerely.  
  
  
  
�Yeah just don�t puke on me again, and I�m taking this room back tomorrow so don�t get too comfortable.�  
  
  
  
Nicky jumped on the bed in his jeans and all, �It�s a deal.�  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you going to change at least?�  
  
  
  
�My bags are missing.�  
  
  
  
�Oh� He already had his eyes closed so I moved towards the door and shut off the light, �Nighty night Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Kay� bye.� He said which made no sense but I went with it and left the room.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
And there I was all by myself again, not that I mind because believe me, I know once we really get the ball swinging on this comeback, I will never get an ounce of alone time, but for now I was more than willing to be at least a little social. Figures no one else was, first we had AJ who stayed and talked to me for about ten whole minutes before darting off to the bathroom. Brian went right from the balcony to his phone to call his wife yet again. Howie went in the back to go check on Nick who was probably in hiding.  
  
  
  
�Ah just like always.� I found myself saying out loud to the empty space.  
  
  
  
�What did you say Kev?� I looked over at Howie who was carrying a small bag with him as he walked into the main room, stopping long enough to give me a look as if I was insane when he realized that I wasn�t on the phone and had been talking to myself.  
  
  
  
�Nothing, It�s been a long day. So?�  
  
  
  
�So what?� He asked now sitting down at the small dining table we had eaten our pizza on earlier.  
  
  
  
�How is he?�  
  
  
  
�Tired, he�s asleep.�  
  
  
  
�In the bathroom?�  
  
  
  
�No, I gave him my room for the night.�  
  
  
  
�Was he drunk? Or is he sick?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin I don�t know, I didn�t give him the third degree. I think he was just tired.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, thanks D.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem and you know now that we�re all here, I think I�m hitting the hay myself.�  
  
  
  
�Have a goodnight buddy and it�s great to see you again!�  
  
  
  
�Same to you.� He said walking over and giving me a firm pat on the back.  
  
  
  
I stood up and stretched, thinking about calling it a night myself, but not before I checked on Carter, so I ventured down the hallway past the bathroom where AJ was singing a lovely song about laying a random girl in an elevator. After shaking my head I walked into Nick�s room.  
  
  
  
How he managed to grab the master suite was a mystery to me but I would soon remedy that situation, for now though I walked in and turned on the small nightlight. Okay I know that seems weird maybe? That I would still enter the room and look in on him even when he�s sound asleep and an adult, but to me he�s still a kid. So I tiptoed over to the bed and just had a look. I know everyone would think that is such a Kevin thing to do but no one would know because I am sneaky! He was sound asleep, on his side. Huge dark circles under his eyes and I couldn�t help but frown.  
  
  
  
I�d be talking to him in the morning most likely but for now I needed my bed, so I shut off the light and left the room, once again passing J�s beautiful song.  
  
  
  
�Lord help me. I�m living with a bunch of crack pots!� I said as I smiled and made my way to bed.  
  



	7. Chapter 7

****

**7  
  
  
  
Fame Happened**

  
  
  
  
I was the first one up, walking into the main room and opening the curtains wide to expose the beautiful day. Having a baby changes your whole sense of timing, now to wake up at 7 in the morning almost felt late to me. Sleep did not come easy last night, all I did was toss and turn and I admit it was because my family was so far away from me.  
  
  
  
Leighanne called me three times just so that Baylee could hear my voice. See whenever he was sick, it was me he�d cry for. I know that�s weird because most of the time it�s the mom but in my case, my son only wanted me when he didn�t feel good. I�d sit him on my lap and sing songs to him.  
  
  
  
Singing over the phone didn�t have quite the same effect, but it did help to calm him down. The last call I got was at around 4 so I took it as a good sign that he finally went to bed and gave my wife some much needed sleep.  
  
  
  
I plopped myself down on the couch with the paper that was left outside our door and opened it up, not really reading but still feeling like an adult just flipping through the stories that should have interested me but didn�t.  
  
  
  
Nick came staggering into the room almost comically, his hair shooting out all over the place in every direction. He was still wearing the same thing he had thrown up in last night and I shook my head at him. I don�t think he even saw me sitting there because he walked over to the blinds and shut them, �Light bad.� He groaned like a caveman which made me laugh.  
  
  
  
He turned around and placed his hand to his heart, �Oh my God you scared the crap out of me.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t see you sitting there.� He walked over towards me and sat on the coffee table.  
  
  
  
�I�m kind of surprised you�re up this early. I didn�t think I�d be seeing you until noon at the earliest.� I placed my newspaper next to him and took in his disheveled appearance. He was a mess, his eyes puffy and red and his face a little pale.  
  
  
  
�Yeah me either, but I couldn�t sleep last night. I tossed and turned the entire time.�  
  
  
  
�Me too, maybe it�s from being so far from home.� I admitted.  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me, �I doubt it, for me anyway. Is that why you�re up this early too?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, not really feeling the need to go into explanations. For some reason I didn�t think he was much interested in hearing it anyway.  
  
  
  
�I need to brush my teeth, my breath smells like ass.�  
  
  
  
I cracked a smile on that one; Nick along with AJ had this natural ability to say the funniest things. The kid always cracked me up, he was my sole source of entertainment sometimes, at least when we were all younger. I caught him staring at me, so I gave him one of my trademark looks, �Yes?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing, just looking.� He shrugged.  
  
  
  
�You mean staring, why are you staring at me Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe because you�re so sexy.�  
  
  
  
�Well sorry young man, I am already taken.� He laughed and brushed his hand through his hair.  
  
  
  
�What time are we having our meeting today?�  
  
  
  
�At noon I believe.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, I think I�m going to try to go get some more sleep then.� He stood up and yawned.  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
I wanted to ask him if everything was okay but for some reason I didn�t want to bring up what happened yesterday, even though it�ll stay in the back of my mind for quite some time. The truth was I did worry about Nick a lot. Whenever Leigh and I went shopping late at night at our local supermarket, we�d go to the checkout aisle and see his face plastered all over the tabloids, mostly concerning his messed up family but many times just him seen with a beer in his hands or drunk with his arms slung around people that Kevin had warned him to stay away from.  
  
  
  
It disgusted Leighanne, but worried me. He used to be such an innocent little thing. I remember having to explain to him why men liked boobies. Nick sat there with wide eyes and blushed, back when he was all of fourteen I believe. Wonder what happened? Never mind I know the answer to that already�  
  
  
  
Fame happened.  
  
  
  
�Nothing, have a good rest.� I finally said after deliberating whether or not I wanted to open a can of worms this early in the morning.  
  
  
  
He nodded, �Thanks man. If I�m not up by 11 can you wake me?�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing buddy.�  
  
  
  
And with that he turned and staggered back to his room, leaving me once again alone and now in a darkened room with the shades drawn. I lay down on the couch and flipped on the television, wondering how my son was doing and still having Nick live in the back of my mind.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I walked into the living room at ten o�clock, proud of myself to be the very first one awake and ready for the meeting. I wasn�t going to disappoint these guys at all this time around. In fact, I wanted to be the one to set the standard of how things should go while doing this album.  
  
  
  
Being sober with the guys this go around will be refreshing for me, I never realized how much I missed out on until I found myself reading about some of our adventures. It�s embarrassing at best.  
  
  
  
I walked into the main room and pulled open the huge set of curtains. It looked gorgeous outside, maybe after the meeting someone would want to hit the beach with me.  
  
  
  
�Light�bad!� I almost screamed like a little girl as I put my hand to my heart when I heard that come from the couch.  
  
  
  
�Rok? Good lord you scared the holy crap out of me.�  
  
  
  
He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, �Sorry I must have that effect on people.�  
  
  
  
�Did you sleep out here dude?�  
  
  
  
�No, I was up early and then must have dosed off while watching TV.�  
  
  
  
I walked towards him with my good old �made this in the bathroom with the fake creamer� coffee the hotel always included in the suites. �I didn�t even see that the television was on. No wonder you fell asleep how on earth can you even hear that, it�s on so low?�  
  
  
  
Brian yawned and made a stretching groan as his arms shot out over his head and his feet extended in front of him, �We�re used to being as quiet as possible nowadays. I swear I can hear the thing on mute now. What time is it?�  
  
  
  
�A little after ten.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, is anyone else up?�  
  
  
  
�I hear the shower so someone is, just no clue who.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�Did you hear from Leigh at all last night?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �Baylee was crying for me all night so it was kind of rough.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry man, that must be the hardest thing in the world.�  
  
  
  
He rubbed his neck and crossed his legs, �Yeah it sucked pretty badly, but enough about that. How are you holding up? Did you sleep well?�  
  
  
  
I nodded and showed him my watered down and powdery coffee, �I slept like a baby but after all the driving I did, I knew I would. Has Ralph woken up yet?�  
  
  
  
�Ralph?� He asked me all confused before I had to reenact what Ralph I was talking about by fake vomiting on him. �Ohhh, hehehe� that Ralph, actually he was up a while ago but went back to bed.�  
  
  
  
�Has Kevin got his hands on him yet?�  
  
  
  
�I think he�s been dodging Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Understandable�� I admitted, doing a fair amount of dodging Kevin myself when I was younger.  
  
  
  
�Who�s dodging Kevin?� Kevin asked while walking in with his own powdery coffee and head wet from getting out of the shower.  
  
  
  
�Hey man.� I said extending my coffee to him in a salute.  
  
  
  
�This coffee is putrid, now who is dodging me?� I laughed at him as he walked over to the sink and threw his entire cup into it while wiggling his brows in disgust.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes I think those brows of yours have a life of their own brother.�  
  
  
  
Brian thought that was an absolutely hysterical statement, but Kevin just flipped me the bird, deciding not to acknowledge my statement at all, �So, room service?� He asked browsing through the menu, �Not that we can get anything overly unhealthy, if we are doing the whole dancing thing again.�  
  
  
  
�Are we going to dance?� I asked hopeful yet not about the idea. Dancing is something I have always enjoyed and was lucky enough to know that it�s always come easy to me. Some of the others not really but to me, it was a very natural thing. With age though came a little bit of fear about not only touring but dancing night after night. It was no big secret that we were all a little out of shape.  
  
  
  
Brian kind of looked like a stuffed teddy bear nowadays, not making fun of him or anything, it kind of looked good on him actually; you know someone is happy when they plump up at home.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know but even if we don�t, we should really watch what we�re eating don�t you think? I mean some of us can stand to lose some weight.� Just as I knew he was going to do, Kevin shot his cousin a look.  
  
  
  
�Oh hush, I�m working on it.�  
  
  
  
Kevin laughed and then passed the menu onto Brian, �You�re talking about Nick right? He�s the one you think is dodging me?�  
  
  
  
Yup, he was still on that. Another thing about Kevin, he is not one to just let something go, like most normal people. You know the ones who realize they have caught someone saying something they shouldn�t have only to pretend like maybe they didn�t hear their name in the first place? Yeah Kevin doesn�t do that.  
  
  
  
�Yes who else would we be talking about? Howie?� Brian used just the right amount of sarcasm in his voice to answer his cousin. Good for him, which was his way of getting Kevin back for the weight remark.  
  
  
  
�Is he up and avoiding me or something? What he thinks I�m going to rip him a new asshole? He got sick it happens.�  
  
  
  
Brian and I looked at each other suspiciously, �Okay cool man. No actually he�s still asleep but I�m sure he�ll be happy to know that.� I finally said, once again giving Brian a look of surprise.  
  
  
  
�I�m not his keeper, if he wants to drink until he gets himself that sick, let him.� He tried to sound matter of factly as he spoke but I nodded with a smirk on my face, knowing Carter was going to be lectured by the end of the day.  
  
  
  
�Hey Bone, you want to go golfing with me after our meeting?�  
  
  
  
Just hearing the word golf made me smile, when I became such a wussy golf boy I couldn�t tell you but if I could golf all day every day I would. Golfing sounded much more fun than the beach anyway. Maybe because I was famous now, wasn�t it an unwritten law that when you became famous you ended up in rehab and then learned how to golf? Hey! Nice to know I was following the rules of fame�go me! Not!!!  
  
  
  
�Abso-freakin-lutely�  
  
  
  
Brian smiled at me and then threw me the menu.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I woke up to the sweet smell of bacon; I loved that smell even though I wasn�t always the biggest fan of bacon to begin with. Turning in my bed, which of course was so much smaller than the king-sized bed I had graciously given Nick, I almost fell out of it when I looked at the time. 11:30 am! Oops!  
  
  
  
I stood up, put on my sweats and ran out into the hallway, where the unmistakable smell of breakfast almost made me salivate. The laughter coming from the center of the suite made me smile, it was nice hearing those guys laughing and joking together again.  
  
  
  
�Hey D!� Brian was the greeter as I ran a hand through my hair and yawned. �We got you some breakfast!�  
  
  
  
�Nice, I�m hungry.� I plopped down on the chair next to Kevin, who was sipping tea and eating a croissant.  
  
  
  
�We got you eggs, sausage and of course requested hot sauce.�  
  
  
  
�You guys know me so well.� I said grabbing for the hot sauce and shaking it onto the eggs in front of me.  
  
  
  
�So what�s your take on dancing Howie?� Kevin asked me taking a bite out of a piece of watermelon on his plate.  
  
  
  
�Dancing?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we�re trying to decide if we are going to dance.�  
  
  
  
�Shouldn�t we cross that bridge when we come to it? I mean we haven�t even recorded anything yet.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but we are all kind of porking up, so it�s something to think about early so this way when the time comes we�re ready.�  
  
  
  
Of course that made me feel just great, as I was sticking a greasy, fatty piece of sausage in my mouth just as Kevin said that. He found that amusing as well, I could tell by the smirk on his face.  
  
  
  
I put the sausage patty down and went for the piece of cantaloupe on my plate instead, �Maybe it wouldn�t hurt. I mean we aren�t getting any younger.�  
  
  
  
�This is true!� AJ nodded at me and I winked at him.  
  
  
  
�Or we could always stay like this and just rename ourselves the Fat street Boys!� All three of them burst out laughing. I made a funny�go me!  
  
  
  
�Guess Nick is skipping breakfast.� Kevin said taking the fruit plate he ordered for the kid and covering it up.  
  
  
  
Brian stood up, �I forgot to go wake him up, and he had asked me to do that at 11! Oops!!�  
  
  
  
I smiled at Brian, �Good luck.�  
  
  
  
Brian replied, �Thanks I�ll probably need it.�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why I didn�t go out there when I heard everyone talking and joking. It was an odd feeling really. I mean I have been up this entire time. I know I said I was going back to bed but it was only because I suddenly found myself in a room, alone with Brian and felt like for the first time ever, we had nothing to say to each other.  
  
  
  
It was an uncomfortable feeling, but mostly it made me sad. To think how close we once were and how far we have drifted apart. I never would have imagined there would come a time when I�d feel that way about him. Today was the day, as we kind of sat there in an uncomfortable silence. So I did the only thing I could think to do and that was walk away.  
  
  
  
I sat up and immediately crossed my legs under my body just as I heard the other room explode with laughter. Even though I had no clue why they were laughing I found myself smiling and at the same time disappointed in myself.  
  
  
  
�Get over it and go out there Carter, my GOD you know these guys better than anyone else on the planet and they know you just as well!�  
  
  
  
There was a knock on my door followed by a quick entrance, too fast for me to pretend to be sleeping.  
  
  
  
�Oh hello, you�re awake! I thought for sure I�d have to drag your butt out of bed.� Brian said from the doorway.  
  
  
  
�Who can sleep with that racket going on out there?�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, Howie was being funny. We got you some breakfast, so come on out.�  
  
  
  
�Okay and did you say Howie was being funny?� That question made him laugh.  
  
  
  
�Did you get any more sleep?� He asked me as I moved off the bed and to a standing position.  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
He smiled and nodded, �Good, well come eat. Kevin ordered you a fruit platter.�  
  
  
  
�Oh joy, a fruit platter?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, he�s on a health kick, just thought I�d warn you.�  
  
  
  
�Fabulous, maybe I�ll just stay in here then.� He laughed when I plopped back onto the bed.  
  
  
  
�No way, if I have to get it, you do too! Only fair now come on!� He walked over and grabbed my arm the way he used to back in the day.  
  
  
  
�Okay I�ll be right there let me go pee first, unless you�d like to come and join me.�  
  
  
  
�How many times do I have to tell you Nickolas, I am a married man.� He waved his butt in my face and then walked out of the room.  
  
  
  
I missed Brian so much, I really did and after he did that, it made me miss him even more, if that makes any sense? Probably not, because I usually make next to no sense to begin with. I wanted to get everything back, the relationship I had with him before we got super famous and it all went away.  
  
  
  
It�s sad what fame and money can do to a person, that person being me not him. Well his wife as well. Just felt the need to add that in there, yeah not a big fan of her at all.  
  
  
  
�Here we go.� I chanted as I made my way into the bathroom, making sure I took a few more of Howie�s aspirin before going in to see everyone.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I stirred my tea just to give me something to do when Nick finally decided to grace us with his appearance. He was still wearing the same clothes from the night before and granted, I knew why because AJ had told us the story about how he lost his luggage but still, he looked like a mess. He came in to the room slowly and smiled, I knew he was afraid to make eye contact with me by his long and calculated walk over to the table. He used to do that when he was a child too, so predictable.  
  
  
  
�Good morning everyone.�  
  
  
  
�Morning Nickers!� AJ said raising his coffee at the blonde who yawned in return.  
  
  
  
�I got you a fruit plate,� I uncovered the dish for him and pushed it in front of him along with the now cold coffee I also had sent up.  
  
  
  
�Thanks Kev, but I�m not really hungry. I�ll eat something later.�  
  
  
  
�Okay suit yourself.� I said shaking my head at him, he needed to eat. He was still pale and looked like death, but I wasn�t about to start nagging�yet.  
  
  
  
�So what�s the plan?� He was being very hesitant with everything he said and did, he seemed uncomfortable and nervous. The shy reserved Nick, before you got know him.  
  
  
  
�Well, we are having a meeting with Johnny in about ten minutes and then after that we should do some major brain storming.�  
  
  
  
�Okay.�  
  
  
  
�I have extra clothes if you want to change?�  
  
  
  
�I�m good.�  
  
  
  
�It might make you feel more refreshed if you took a shower and changed into something else.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, I�m good really. I�m hoping my stuff will show up today.�  
  
  
  
�Okay well I do have��  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� Okay, that was a please shut up Kevin, so I did just that, for a few seconds at least.  
  
  
  
�How are you feeling? You�re still kind of looking a bit pale.� Hey I did say a few seconds not minutes right?  
  
  
  
�I�m okay, and I�m really sorry about that again Howie, I�m sure I�ll never live that down.� He looked over to Howie with those puppy dog eyes of his that worked on everyone but me.  
  
  
  
�You might live it down but then you�ll just chuck it up again! HA! I�m freaking hilarious!� We all groaned at AJ and his feeble attempt at humor. Well almost all of us groaned, Brian laughed and high fived him. Great� way to encourage AJ and his stupid jokes Bri.  
  
  
  
Nick rolled his eyes at J but then looked over my way, the second my eyes locked with his he looked down at the table. He was always so afraid of me for some reason, well okay I know I gave him reason on many occasions but now he was an adult. I just care that�s all, and I worry. Nick often took that for hatred and anger. I guess I can�t blame him with the things he has gone through in his family though. I�m really going to try to soften up when he�s concerned. Treat him a bit more like an adult and less like a kid but I know it�ll be hard.  
  
  
  
AJ it�s been easier because he has matured by leaps and bounds, even though I worry about him too.  
  
  
  
Johnnie knocked a few minutes later which happily broke up my little worrying session and we all sat down for our very first meeting together. The first of what would be many!  
  



	8. Chapter 8

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**8  
  
  
  
  
  
The Wussy Street Boys**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The meeting with Johnny was pretty productive; we talked about a lot of stuff including the mounting odds which were stacked against us. He told us that realistically we needed to keep our expectations as low as possible which I think we pretty much all were ready for anyway. Me though? Yeah I kind of wanted us to hit the top again. I think secretly we all did but I know that music has changed and moved on, I mean seeing the way Carter�s album flopped was a good indication to us that this was going to be an uphill battle.  
  
  
  
I caught them all looking over at me when he talked about how hard this could be mentally, what a challenge it would be for us all. I hated the fact that they thought I was so weak. It annoyed me sometimes. Better make sure AJ can handle it, we don�t want another episode like last time do we?  
  
  
  
Do I blame them for thinking that way? Not really I mean at one point I was fragile, but thankfully that�s not me anymore. I�m just not sure how many times I have to tell them that before they let it sink in though.  
  
  
  
Anyway, the meeting went on for almost two hours and by the end of it we found ourselves itching to start this thing. Kevin looked at all of us as soon as Johnny walked out of the room, eyeing us up and down and of course keeping his eyes on me the longest, �So? Are we ready to do this thing? I mean if we aren�t, now is the time to back out.�  
  
  
  
�I know I�m ready.� Nick said with an air of confidence. I think that�s the most certain he had every said anything ever since I�ve known him.  
  
  
  
�What about everyone else?�  
  
  
  
One by one we all nodded but of course I got the, �Are you sure you�re ready?� question.  
  
  
  
It was then that I knew I had something to prove to them all so I made sure I looked him in the eyes when I answered, �Kevin, if I didn�t think I was ready to do this then I wouldn�t be here. Believe me I have had a long enough time to work on myself and I am MORE than ready to start this new chapter. Please believe me when I say that okay? And you know what? If for some reason I do find that it�s too hard for me, I�m going to open up and tell you guys. No more secrets anymore, the first time it almost killed me. I learned my lesson.�  
  
  
  
I admit as speeches went that was a pretty good one on my part and most importantly I could tell by the smiles on their faces that they thought so too.  
  
  
  
�I�m so proud of you AJ.� Brian said giving me an extra wink.  
  
  
  
�Thanks man.� I tried to say like it was nothing although I almost wanted to cry. It felt so good to hear them tell me how proud they were of me. It�s something I have always needed to hear and now it seems that any chance anyone gets to talk to me, it�s something they say.  
  
  
  
�I second that Bone. I look at you and all you have accomplished and just can�t help be so proud of you.� Howie added which once again brought a smile to my face.  
  
  
  
�This is really unnecessary guys, I know you are proud of what I�ve done and I am too.�  
  
  
  
�You should be kiddo. To go from what you were to what you have become now�� Kevin started getting all teary eyed which really made me uncomfortable and also made me want to cry, what the hell? Forget the Fatstreet Boys we were becoming the Wussy Street Boys.  
  
  
  
�I just can�t say enough, truly AJ you make us so proud!�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Kevin.� I smiled at him but still felt uncomfortable by all the praise.  
  
  
  
I looked over at the blonde, waiting for him to say something, I mean he was the only one that hasn�t had an AJ love fest yet, but he only yawned and continued staring into space. Ah well, three out of four ain�t bad I guess.  
  
  
  
The rest of the time was spent making some big decisions like the question posed at breakfast, to dance or not to dance. We all pretty much decided that the fans wanted us to dance so we couldn�t totally drop it but we wouldn�t be hiring a full entourage anymore and would keep the dancing down to a minimum. I guess I was okay with that.  
  
  
  
The other big decision was whether or not to go with Max for most of our stuff. We really were torn on that one. We loved working with him but yet we wanted a new sound so we decided on trying a little bit of everything.  
  
  
  
�Let�s not rush this album.� I decided to throw out there, �Let�s just take our time and see what happens.�  
  
  
  
So before Brian and I left for golf, we finally had a plan which was a huge plus I guess.  
  
  
  
�You ready Bone?� I looked over at Rok and nodded.  
  
  
  
�Yeah I think so.�  
  
  
  
�Where are you two off to?� Kevin asked staring at the golf clubs I had just slung over my shoulder. And the stupid question of the day award goes too�  
  
�We are going golfing; you are more than welcome to join us.� Brian said now taking his own golf clubs and slinging them on his shoulder.  
  
  
  
�Maybe next time, I promised D I�d hit up some of the shops with him.�  
  
  
  
�Have fun.� I said smiling at Kevin.  
  
  
  
�You too, I guess we�ll all meet back here for dinner then?�  
  
  
  
Brian and I nodded, �Sounds like a plan Sam.�  
  
  
  
With that being said I opened the door and off we went golfing! Seems like everything was going to be just awesome!  
  
  
  
�I guess you are driving Bone.� Damn it to hell and that crappy ass car!  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Did you ever feel like you were invisible? It�s a power I always wanted especially when I was high school aged and we had those sexy opening acts showering in the next room. Good Lord I wanted to be able to sneak in on them and not have them know I was there. Today I felt like I was invisible but without the spying on naked chicks part. All the guys made plans none of which included me and yes that hurt my feelings.  
  
  
  
Would it have killed AJ or Brian to ask me if I wanted to golf with them? I know I complain about the game, call it boring and sometimes say I�d rather stab my eyes with sporks then golf but still, it wouldn�t have killed them to see if maybe�.just maybe I would have liked to tag along.  
  
  
  
Then Howie and Kevin were there, not even two feet away from me making all these plans, go to the mall then to a movie. Did I get invited? Once again can I hear a NO ladies and gentlemen?  
  
  
  
Now I�m sure they didn�t intentionally leave me out of the mix but it still hurt me just the same. I mean I haven�t seen these guys in a long time; I couldn�t help but feel like they had no desire to see me again. I�m sure last night and the puking incident didn�t help either but still.  
  
  
  
I sat there and listened to them one by one say how proud they were of AJ and how much he has grown and gotten better. I think I have too, granted I didn�t go into rehab to do it but still, I think being away I have grown up a ton. Why is it that I so needed to hear them say those things to me? Why was there approval so important to me all the time? Ugh!  
  
  
  
Maybe if I ended up in rehab they would be saying those things to me. Jesus I�m so fucking messed up sometimes!  
  
  
  
I guess today was going to be one of those days for me and I hate those!  
  
  
  
I watched Howie pace back and forth in front of me while I sat with my legs crossed Indian style and played with my Sidekick. �Nicky have you seen my aspirin? I have a headache and I can�t find it anywhere.�  
  
  
  
Oops! I finished his aspirin this morning, just before I left to eat breakfast with the guys. I threw out the bottle never even thinking he would actually be looking for them. Okay so here�s the dilemma, do I tell him that or do what I do best?  
  
  
  
�I haven�t seen them anywhere.� I�ll buy him a new bottle and sneak it into his travel bag; he�ll never know the difference.  
  
  
  
�Okay thanks�so what are your plans today?� He asked me innocently enough.  
  
  
  
�I guess nothing since you are all going out without me.� Very smooth Carter, way to act nonchalant.  
  
  
  
He looked up at me as he was now on his hands and knees looking under the couch, �You are more than welcome to join Kevin and I, we just figured you weren�t up to it. Brian and AJ didn�t invite you with them?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head, �It�s okay, whatever man, maybe I should just hang here and catch up on sleep anyway.�  
  
  
  
I made Howie feel bad, I could tell by the sympathetic look he gave me and I know it�s wrong of me but I was happy about that. Yeah let�s praise AJ and kiss his smelly, stinky feet while Nick eh�Nick shmick, who cares about him. After all HE never did anything for us to be proud of. Wow jealous much?  
  
  
  
�Come out with us, it�ll be fun.� Howie said now walking over to me and placing his hand on my shoulder.  
  
  
  
�Nah, maybe next time though.�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �Okay�well let me know if you find my aspirin. You by any chance wouldn�t happen to have any would you?�  
  
  
  
�No, sorry but I bet Kevin does.�  
  
  
  
�Yes I bet you are right about that.� We both laughed.  
  
  
  
When he left the room, the sad me took over again, I hated when I got in these moods. I loved these guys so much but seriously? It was them that did this to me all the time. If that was just one of my regular friends it would have been no big deal, I wouldn�t have even given it a second thought but it was the guys. I need therapy, seriously!  
  
  
  
Just then my cell phone rang, �Maybe that�s a therapist now!� I said to myself and laughed just like a crazy person would.  
  
  
  
It was the airline saying they found my bags and that they were ready to be picked up. Since I had no way over to the airport and had NO desire to go there anytime soon I asked them to send them to the hotel. A perk of being famous I admit, but they were more than happy to oblige. Thankfully that put me in a better mood.  
  
  
  
�You know what? Screw them all I�m going to the beach!�  
  
  
  
�Who are you talking to?� Kevin asked walking in and sitting next to me to put on his sneakers. Yes the man had a routine, oddly reminiscent of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  
  
  
  
�I was just talking to myself.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�well better get your shoes on.�  
  
  
  
�Why is there a carpet shark I am unaware of?�  
  
  
  
�Because we are leaving once Howie gets out of the bathroom.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not going with you.�  
  
  
  
�Yes you are, come on�it�ll be fun.�  
  
  
  
�The airline just called and said my bags are on there way.�  
  
  
  
�The bell boy will bring them up, go get your shoes.�  
  
  
  
�But I want to go to the beach.�  
  
  
  
�The beach will be there tomorrow, get your shoes you�re coming with us.�  
  
  
  
I know I said I was sad because no one wanted me to tag along with them but now that I was being forced to go, I didn�t want to. I know this was a result of some private conversation in which Howie said I was more than pathetically moping on the couch and then Kevin probably said something to the effect of, �Maybe we shouldn�t leave him all alone I mean there is a mini bar!�  
  
  
  
�I don�t feel like going shopping Kevin, you guys go have fun. I�m going to take a shower then head to the beach for a little while.�  
  
  
  
He gave me a look but then nodded, �You sure?�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh.�  
  
  
  
�Okay well we are meeting back here for dinner.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� He stood up, now finally done with his shoes and pat my head.  
  
  
  
�Be good.�  
  
  
  
�Woof woof.�  
  
  
  
He laughed at me as I rolled my eyes at him and once Howie was out of the bathroom, the two of them were gone.  
  
  
  
I let out a deep sigh and looked over at the mini bar, �Maybe one beer wouldn�t kill me.� I said walking over and taking one out, yes mostly just for spite.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
We walked along the strip mall as if we were just two normal people; no one even gave us a second glance. I can tell it kind of bothered Kevin especially when we would get close to a crowd of girls. They would make a sideways glance at us and he would whisper under his breath, �Oh no here it comes�� But nothing ever came.  
  
  
  
The first time it happened we both breathed a sigh of relief but by the third of fourth huge crowd of girls we passed I can tell he almost wanted to say �Look It�s a pair of Backstreet Boys!� Now granted Kevin would never admit to having those feelings because well�he�s Kevin but still, I could tell the fact that we were all but invisible really began to bug him as the day wore on.  
  
  
  
I�m not going to lie and say it didn�t bother me because I guess it did, but I also have to say that sometimes I didn�t mind blending in. truthfully, I think I just kind of got used to it. The charity events I have had along our break time when I would surround myself with our fans, gave me a chance to get the inner diva in me fed, so moments like this weren�t� quite so bad.  
  
  
  
My glance fell on Kevin once again as he fiddled with one of his many bags. He decided on impulse to venture into Victoria�s Secrets and get his wife some lingerie. He really wants to become a father and I know its killing him that he isn�t one yet. He told me that they have been trying forever and yet nothing is happening. We are all getting older and running out of time, hell I sometimes have anxiety about stuff like that. Although not sure if I even want children but maybe somewhere down the line. Just that now I guess I�m down that line and still here I am living the life of a child.  
  
  
  
�I�m hoping Kris will like these.�  
  
  
  
�You probably should have waited until she came down.�  
  
  
  
�I know but still, at least I have them now, this way when she does come I�m prepared.�  
  
  
  
�You aren�t going to sleep with them under your pillow are you Kev?� He laughed at me and shook his head.  
  
  
  
�Do you think it�s odd that no one has even come over to us at all while we�ve been out here?� I knew that question was coming but I admit I thought I wouldn�t hear it until the middle of our dinner, spoken causally like �So no one cares about us anymore.� In the typical half joking, half serious manner Kevin dealt with those types of things.  
  
  
  
�This is LA Kevin; most people are too preoccupied with themselves to notice anything around them.�  
  
  
  
�There used to be a time when we could never have done that�remember?� There was a tinge of sadness in those words and I felt that same sadness.  
  
  
  
�I remember it well.�  
  
  
  
�I hope they do,� He said motioning to the hordes of people we were passing by, �I hope they remember us when the time comes.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �I hope we aren�t making a huge mistake.� Those words made him stop and look at me. I couldn�t help but feel like Nick at that moment, �so this is what it looks like just before you get a Kevin lecture� I thought to myself as he opened his mouth to speak.  
  
  
  
�Do you think we�re making a mistake D?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Kevin�I guess none of us will know until it happens.�  
  
  
  
�Well if Nick�s album is any indication�� He said turning his attention back to his bag fiddling.  
  
  
  
�That was different.�  
  
  
  
�How so? I mean he�s the favorite one isn�t he?� I laughed at that, just the expression on his face when he said that.  
  
  
  
�They blamed him for the hiatus.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�This is different.�  
  
�I hope you�re right Howie.� I nodded at Kevin; I hoped I was right too.  
  
  
  
�Do you think AJ is really ready for this?� I nodded once again. Poor Kevin worried so much about everyone, that can�t be good.  
  
  
  
�Kevin, he said he�s ready and I believe him. He�s looking and sounding great.�  
  
  
  
�But we are going back into the whole rock star way of life��  
  
  
  
�He can handle it.�  
  
  
  
�If he can�t?�  
  
  
  
�Then he�ll tell us�stop worrying.� He nodded and finally placed the bag at his side.  
  
  
  
We walked along quietly for a few more minutes, passing more people we hoped were fans but weren�t. �What about Nick?�  
  
  
  
�What about Nick?� I asked as finally a girl stopped us�for directions.  
  
  
  
�Do you think he can handle it?�  
  
  
  
I found myself hesitating on that one because honestly I wasn�t quite sure. �Everything will be fine Kevin.� I finally said but he knew I wasn�t totally being honest with him on that one.  
  
  
  
He smirked at me, �Okay I�ll stop now.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� He laughed when I said that and together we stopped for coffee and made sure we sat outside, waiting to be recognized.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I was wiped out by the time we headed back to the hotel. The sun beating down on us all afternoon didn�t help matters any. If it�s any indication on how tired I was, AJ actually beat me! Not only beat me but pummeled me. My head just wasn�t on the game, there were too many other things going on in my mind and yes if you must know I�m a sore loser.  
  
  
  
�So Rok, since you owe me dinner you plan on buying tonight?� I looked over at AJ and rolled my eyes. Just like I am a sore loser he is a horrible winner. No one gloats more than Bone, well except for me.  
  
  
  
�If you want me to I will.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent, I�ll be sure we pick somewhere mucho expensive then.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks dofoburger! Maybe we can all pile into this beautiful van you have.�  
  
  
  
�Hey leave the van alone, I know it�s a piece of crap.�  
  
  
  
�That�s putting it mildly. I�m surprised you managed to drive it this far without the wheels falling off.� He stuck his middle finger up at me which I went to go bite. Yes pulling a Nick, I admit and he wasn�t expecting it and let out a girly little scream which made me crack up. �Sorry, didn�t mean to scare you Bone.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem�have you talked to the wife yet?� I shook my head. I had tried to call Leigh a few times while on the course but I kept getting the answering machine, which I admit worried the crap out of me.  
  
  
  
�I hope Bay is okay, he was really not doing well last night.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure everything is fine Brian, why don�t you try to call again.�  
  
  
  
I pulled out my cell phone and dialed our house, happy to hear my wife�s voice on the other end.  
  
  
  
�Where have you been? I�ve been worried sick!� I scolded her, but sweetly so she knew I wasn�t really mad.  
  
  
  
�I took Baylee to the doctor, didn�t Nick tell you?�  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yes I called the hotel earlier and left a message for you.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, we are out golfing, I�m not there yet.�  
  
  
  
�He sounded drunk off his butt Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Nick did?� I bit my bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�Yes, is he having a party or something?�  
  
  
  
�Not that I�m aware of, he was tired so maybe you woke him up.�  
  
  
  
�I know the difference between sleepy and wasted and your friend was wasted.�  
  
  
  
The word friend was said in a very sarcastic tone. Leighanne is not a big fan of Nick or the way he chooses to live his life. She doesn�t hate him by any means but she doesn�t like the fact that we are back together 24/7 all the time either.  
  
  
  
�Okay, well thanks for letting me know. How�s the little guy?�  
  
  
  
�Sleeping, he just had a bad ear infection, noting major. He has some medicine now and his fever is already going down.� I let out a sigh and smiled at that.  
  
  
  
�Give him a kiss for me okay baby? And I love you. I�ll call you later!�  
  
  
  
�Hi Leighanne!� AJ yelled into the phone.  
  
  
  
�Bone says hello.�  
  
  
  
�So I heard, tell him the same.�  
  
  
  
�Will do.�  
  
  
  
Once off the phone, I glanced over at AJ �So how�s our family?�  
  
  
  
�OUR family?� He amused me sometimes.  
  
  
  
�I am borrowing yours until I have one of my own.�  
  
  
  
�Oh is that how it goes?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�OUR family is fine; Bay�s fever is going down.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but she said something else, she said that Nick was shit faced when she called the hotel.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�That�s what she said man, I hope it�s not true, but you never know.�  
  
  
  
�Guess we�ll find out soon enough.� I looked at AJ and nodded.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
We got back to the hotel about thirty minutes early, before everyone else was to meet up. This made me excited because I could take that time to call my wife and tell her all about the sexy lingerie I purchased for her. Of course I also knew she would be rolling her eyes at me as I described it. Kris says I am the worst person she has ever had phone sex with. As long as it�s just the phone sex part she�s complaining about its all good.  
  
  
  
That was the wonderful thought I had going through my mind when I made the horrible mistake of opening the door to our hotel room and stepping inside. He caught me off guard, charging at me full force and grabbing me in a huge hug but with such velocity I literally lost my footing and fell.  
  
  
  
�I love you man!� He slurred at me as he licked my neck!  
  
  
  
�Nick what the hell? Get off of me!� The unmistakable smell of liquor was all over his breath.  
  
  
  
He rolled off me and giggled, �Kev�you should have seen your face!�  
  
  
  
Howie stood in the doorway with a look of uncertainty on his face, probably afraid to come all the way in knowing I was moments away from a homicide. I stood up and noticed all the mini bottles of alcohol all over the floor and empty and just felt panicked.  
  
  
  
�Nick what did you do?�  
  
  
  
Suddenly his giggly self stopped dead as he stared at me, it�s like he realized it was me or something. �Oh shit�you are going to kill me aren�t you?� He staggered a little bit farther into the room and picked up a bag, �Want a gummy feeesh?� He asked before bursting out in hysterical laughter.  
  
  
  
�Oh Lord,� I heard Howie mutter from behind me, that�s when I lost my cool.  
  
  
  
�NICK GET YOUR DAMN SELF INTO THE SHOWER BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!!!� I shouted so loud I think the glass shook.  
  
  
  
That pretty much sobered him right up as he looked at me, said nothing and ran to the bathroom as if a machete wielding psychopath was chasing him.  
  
  
  
�Remember what you asked earlier Kev?� Howie asked me softly as I began picking up all the empty bottles.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, what about it?�  
  
  
  
�Well, I take it back. Maybe he won�t be able to handle it.� I nodded as I stared at the bathroom door. I needed to have it out with Nick and it needed to be now. Already, it�s only been the second day and this kid alone has given me about three panic attacks. That will come later; first I am calling my wife and having some really bad phone sex with her. Then I will kill the blonde.  
  



	9. Chapter 9

****

**9  
  
  
  
Idiot!**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh my God I am so so so so sooooo so stupid! Why on earth did I do that? I mean what kind of jackass decides to raid the mini bar to prove a point to someone that he wouldn�t do something like that? Ugh! I�m such an idiot!!!  
  
  
  
I placed my head under the incredibly cold water and let it slide down my back as I spit it out occasionally, long enough to curse myself out some more. When they left, all I did was take out a small bottle of vodka from the mini bar, that�s all I intended to do, then I was going to go down to the beach all by my lonesome but NO! I had to put on the television and see that a stupid movie was on, I�m not even going to say the name of the movie because I am already embarrassed enough, but I just kind of drank and ate chips just like I always do but only thing is, instead of Coke I had Vodka.  
  
  
  
IDIOT!  
  
  
  
The whole time, there I sat cursing Kevin out and his judgmental attitude towards me, not that he even said anything mind you! For all I know it was completely in my head, him making that comment about the mini bar, but in my �Nick�iverse he said it and it was too late to take it back. So what do I do? One would think someone smart would maybe try to prove said person wrong. Perhaps dress up and show up extra early for dinner and then offer to treat everyone. �Wow� they would say, �look at Nick he really has his act together. I�m so impressed. Forget you AJ; I�m more proud of Nick than you.� But I unfortunately am not smart and am a complete and total MORON! So I go and get hammered, leave a mess all over the suite we are all sharing only after PUKING on Howie last night. Yes ladies and gentleman I�m a genius!!  
  
  
  
IDIOT!  
  
  
  
I decided that maybe beating my head repeatedly in the shower would maybe shake some sense into me but that hurt so I stopped after about the third head bang. Instead I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, convinced that for the rest of our time together I would just stay right here in the bathroom. I could sneak out for food; I wouldn�t even have to leave to pee. Yes I will live in the bathroom that is what I will do!  
  
  
  
�Nicky?� Howie�s small voice said my name, and so it begins already. Couldn�t they at least wait until I got out of the bathroom? Oh right that wasn�t ever going to happen.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry he�s not home.� I answered being the genius that we all have just established me to be.  
  
  
  
�Are you okay in there? I thought I heard a bang.�  
  
  
  
�I�m okay, just my head.� And I don�t need that anyway apparently.  
  
  
  
�You hit your head?�  
  
  
  
�I�m okay Howie.� There was a pause, I could see D now standing behind the door with his mouth open, ready to say one more thing but deciding it was probably best to just leave me be.  
  
  
  
�Okay if you�re sure.�  
  
  
  
�I am.�  
  
  
  
�If you need anything��  
  
  
  
�I�m all good, really.� I was trying not to sound sarcastic but I couldn�t help it. When I get embarrassed which believe it or not happens often, I tend to get overly defensive. I mean really really defensive. If anyone laughs at me, they could possibly be punched in the face. I�ve gotten better with age but still, I didn�t like it when people made fun of me. Maybe that wasn�t a secret, but I would like to think that the fans don�t actually realize how sensitive I really am about everything.  
  
  
  
IDIOT!  
  
  
  
I really am the biggest fuck up in the universe, I mean for weeks leading up to this, I promised myself I wasn�t going to do anything stupid, especially now in the early stages of our reunion. I knew they all had their skepticism about me. Kevin came right out and told me to my face that he wasn�t sure if I was going to take things seriously. That he was afraid we�d start the whole process and I�d suddenly bail. So I came into this knowing I had to prove myself to them. I wanted to show them that I have grown up, that this solo thing helped me become more mature. Instead, I have done the opposite. I�m sure they already are disappointed in me to the point of regretting getting back together.  
  
  
  
I need this reunion, I can�t mess it up now! Great, now I was in tears again. God Lord what in the world is wrong with me? What I should do is get dressed, borrow AJ�s puke colored van and drive myself to the nearest insane asylum. In fact why bother putting on clothes? Might as well go naked right? I mean it IS an insane asylum.  
  
  
  
�Kevin�s going to kill me.� I leaned my head back against the wall as I sat naked on the toilet bowl, knowing that once I walked out that door I was going to get screamed at, or even worse, I was going to see that look of disappointment on his face, on all of their faces.  
  
  
  
�I�m such an idiot!� I reaffirmed for myself as I closed my eyes debating on if I should ever get dressed and leave the bathroom.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�What an idiot!� Kevin exclaimed after he filled us in on what had happened. Seems we walked in just after Kevin and Howie, thus missing out on all the �fun�. I personally would have paid to see Nick jump on top of Kevin like Dino from the Flintstones but maybe that�s just me.  
  
  
  
Seriously, it was no big surprise that the kid doesn�t always use common sense but this really took the cake. �Where is he now?� Brian asked, biting his thumbnail and walking over to help Kevin dispose of the liquor bottles.  
  
  
  
�I sent him in to take a damn shower.�  
  
  
  
�Wow I haven�t seen this movie in a long ass time!� I said when I heard the unmistakable sound of Kermit the Frog singing on the television. Actually I was trying to change the topic of conversation, and not so much for Nick�s benefit but for mine. I couldn�t help but wonder how many of these types of conversations they had about me.  
  
  
  
�The damn Muppet Movie, he was getting drunk while watching this crap? Good lord help us all.� Kevin said rolling his eyes at the screen. I laughed, I couldn�t help it, the thought of Kaos sitting here drinking and watching a kid�s movie just so summed him up, it was perfect really.  
  
  
  
�Kevin, do you think that he has a problem?� Once again that was Brian. I seriously hated where this conversation was going. �I mean we haven�t seen him in a long time and he�s a little out of control.�  
  
  
  
�A little?� Kevin said throwing the last bottle into the trashcan.  
  
  
  
�Can I say something?� All eyes shot over to Howie, who was sitting so quietly that I hadn�t even realized he was there.  
  
  
  
�What is it D?�  
  
  
  
�I just think he�s anxious about all of this, I mean Nicky has always had his own way of dealing with things. I don�t think he was even totally drunk Kevin. I mean I have seen him jump on you totally sober before. I just talked to him and he didn�t sound drunk, he sounded upset.�  
  
  
  
�He�s right Kev, I mean give the kid a break, I�m sure he doesn�t have a problem.� I wasn�t really sure, but I felt the need to come to his defense. See, in a way I blame myself for them all jumping to conclusions like they were. It was only natural after dealing with me.  
  
  
  
�He has a problem all right, several mental issues but �alcoholic� isn�t one of them.� We all laughed at Howie. I loved D; he always said things in a way that never sounded anything but nice. Basically he was one of the only people who could flat out tell Kevin he was wrong and it would be all good with him.  
  
  
  
�But he was in here drinking alone AJ, you don�t think there�s anything wrong with that?�  
  
  
  
�Brian, I know where you�re coming from and it must sound weird for me to be saying this, but come on, we know him. He�s a knucklehead! I can see him clear as day, sitting on the sofa, laughing like a moron at Kermit and Miss Piggy and not even realizing he was consuming that much alcohol.�  
  
  
  
They all thought about this for a moment and I could see by the smile on Brian�s face, he was now picturing the scene as well. �Yeah, I can see that too Bone.� He nodded and bit at his bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�He�s like this big kid trapped in a 23 year old�s body.�  
  
  
  
Now Kevin was nodding, wow Nick was SO going to owe me for this. What could I make him do for me? Perhaps a new car would suffice? I would say a night out on the town at the best strip clubs around but then that would be putting him around alcohol once again and me as well.  
  
  
  
I am totally clean and sober but that doesn�t mean that I�m always ready to be around people who aren�t. It�s very easy for me to want to just fall into the same routine as always, so I have tried my best to totally avoid putting myself in those situations.  
  
  
  
�Well, even if you are right AJ I�m still going to talk to him.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe you should let me talk to him?� I offered, once again not having a clue what I would say. In fact, I�d probably take him out and say �Nick stop being an idiot but tell Kevin I lectured you for an hour or so� followed by a �by the way you owe me big time for saving your ass twice in a row!� I didn�t have to worry about that though because out he came, hair all wet and a mess.  
  
  
  
�No one has to talk to me; I�m not a two year old. I know what I did was stupid.�  
  
  
  
The reaction of his arrival in the room was so telling to me, I was so used to seeing it. Howie looked down at his cell phone, pretending to check a message that wasn�t really there. Brian�s head went straight to the television as he continued to bite at his nails while Kevin chose to walk out of the room. I was the only one staring at him, and I think he was kind of grateful for that. No one said anything in reply to him, which kind of annoyed me, so I took it upon myself to say something.  
  
  
  
�So�the Muppet Movie? You couldn�t even get drunk off your ass watching porn?� He laughed and then looked away.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know what I�m more embarrassed by, getting drunk or watching the Muppet Movie.�  
  
  
  
�My vote is for the Muppet Movie.� I replied, to which he nodded.  
  
  
  
�Do you all hate me now?� He was looking down at the ground and biting his bottom lip which signaled to me that he really thought we were going to hate him. I wish I knew what ran through this kid�s mind sometimes. His thought process scared me more than this little Muppet drinking incident and yes I was forever going to refer to it as that, mostly to annoy Carter.  
  
  
  
�Of course we don�t hate you Nicky.� But I knew as well as Howie did, that it wasn�t from him he as waiting for answer. I glanced over at Rok to see he was still watching the movie now, smiling at what was on the screen. Was it his way of avoiding the question? I have no idea. I just think that deep down inside he�s as much of a �kid� at heart as Nick is and got really into the movie.  
  
  
  
After waiting for a few minutes for Brian�s reassurance that never came, he looked over at Howie, �Thanks D.�  
  
  
  
�It�s the truth Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin hates me though, you think?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t hate you.� Okay this is where I bail�and pretty much everyone did the same. All of us scattering about like roaches caught in the light, leaving poor Kaos alone with Kevin.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
My refuge from Kevin lectures has always been the balcony. �I�m going to go get some fresh air,� I would say, then take off before the first word was uttered. I have been on the opposite end of many of those lectures, mostly when it came to stupid things, but this one I didn�t much care to hear, so I bolted to the balcony and closed the glass doors just as Howie followed me out there.  
  
  
  
�It�s nice out today.� He said as if we have never had a conversation before. For some reason that made me laugh.  
  
  
  
�Yes it�s very nice out, indeed.�  
  
  
  
�How was golfing?�  
  
  
  
�Good, we had a lot of fun.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good.�  
  
  
  
�What about shopping?�  
  
  
  
�I browsed more than shopped.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�m not one to spend a lot of money on stuff.�  
  
  
  
�So I remember.� I said nodding my head as we both looked down at the city below us.  
  
  
  
�Brian, how come you didn�t answer him? I mean when he asked if we hated him.�  
  
  
  
�Because I think he�s a little too old to coddle now. He�s not a baby anymore Howie and it�s time we stop letting him act like one.� I was a little surprised to hear myself say that but it�s the way I felt and have felt for a long time. Leighanne has been saying for years that we all treat him like a baby, let him get away with everything and that�s why he�s so out of control now. He knows that in the end, we�ll just slap his wrist and say �bad boy now here�s some candy.� I never agreed with her until I had a child of my own and had time to assess the situation as an outsider.  
  
  
  
�But he admitted he was stupid, all he asked was if we hated him.� I was a bit surprised that Howie was confronting me on this. He was classically one to avoid issues like this one at all costs.  
  
  
  
�He knows I don�t hate him.�  
  
  
  
�See the thing is� I think you�re wrong Brian. Otherwise he wouldn�t have asked.�  
  
  
  
�He knows I love him to death Howie, he wanted my approval. He wanted me to tell him that what he did was okay and to be honest, it�s not okay.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and once again looked down at the street below, I could tell he wasn�t happy with my answer, but in this case I was sticking to my guns. I would do anything for Nick; I love him and know him better than any of the other guys. We have shared so many moments over the years; he would never think that I actually hated him.  
  
  
  
�I just think he needed to hear you tell him that, that�s all I guess. He�s had a hard year Bri.�  
  
  
  
�I know that.� Suddenly I was beginning to feel guilty. Damn Howie!  
  
  
  
�I worry about him.� That made me look his way, he was still staring down at the street as he continued, �And I�m not talking about what happened today. I mean his mental well being in general. I worry about him.�  
  
  
  
�I do too.�  
  
  
  
�Than you should tell him that Brian, I really think he needs to know that.�  
  
  
  
�I know, you mentioned that already.�  
  
  
  
�You won�t be admitting what he did was right or fine.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him but the next words out of his mouth made me a little angry.  
  
  
  
�Don�t worry this doesn�t mean he�ll win and you�ll lose if you just tell him what he needs to hear.�  
  
  
  
�What is that supposed to mean?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, I didn�t mean anything bad by that.�  
  
  
  
�I am not looking at this as some kind of competition Howie.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say you were.� But in the words he just spoke, he kind of did.  
  
  
  
�Is that what you think of me? As some kind of jerk who looks at everything as a competition?�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �Now Brian, I have known you forever. You know I love you why would you think that?� Damn Howie! His smirk brought his point home, �Now you get it right?� I nodded and he pet my head, �Good boy. See? Sometimes even though deep down inside you know the answer, you still need that reassurance and for the record, I do think you are competitive but I know not in this case.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at Howie as he winked at me, �I�ll talk to him after Kevin gets done with him.�  
  
  
  
We both looked into the room at that point to see Kevin sitting across from Nick on the coffee table as Nick stared anywhere but at my cousin. �Seems like he�ll need that after your cousin gets done with him.� We both laughed, which was wrong of us but who cares?  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I had to leave the room for a minute because I was ready to explode. I�m not really sure why I even got as mad as I did. I mean, it�s not like he blew up a hotel room or anything (yet) but I just wanted to choke him. So I walked away, when he came out of the bathroom.  
  
  
  
I�m not exactly sure what it is about the youngest member of the group and I. We have always had the strangest relationship and I blame that on our age difference. I look at him and I see a kid, even when I don�t want to. I know I tend to be harder on him than the others but he just needs it. He always has needed it. It�s not like he ever got it at home. In the early days, I felt like I was his only source of discipline. His family would let him get away with murder, sometimes letting the kid drink at parties when people were still watching our every move. I was the one that always shooed him away from that stuff, shielded him from the drugs and alcohol and anything else nasty that we were exposed to. Sometimes I feel guilty that maybe if I had spent as much time and energy on AJ as I did on Nick, he wouldn�t have ended up doing all the things he did.  
  
  
  
I knew I had to talk to him but I really didn�t want to yet. I mean we have just gotten together and already I have reverted back to screaming at him for being a dumbass! Not a great way to start this �new� phase of our careers.  
  
  
  
So I made sure to take a few deep breaths before actually going back into the room, just as I heard him ask the guys if I hated him.  
  
  
  
�I don�t hate you Nick.� It�s so funny to see what happens when I walk into a room at a tense moment. You know, the first time I told my family about how the guys are so intimidated by me they hardly believed me at all. In fact Tim laughed so hard I thought he was going to fall off his chair. It wasn�t until Brian confirmed it for them that they realized how influential I was to the rest of the guys, especially the two youngest ones.  
  
  
  
Just as I suspected would happen, they all ran the hell out of the room, leaving Nick to fend for himself. I almost felt bad for the kid as he looked down at the carpet with an �oh shit� expression on his face. What did he think I was going to do? Smack or him or something? Beat him senseless?  
  
  
  
After they all cleared out, I walked over to him and sat down on the coffee table right across from where he was sitting. This way it was harder for him to avoid my face. �Did you hear me? I don�t hate you.�  
  
  
  
�I heard.� He always became so soft spoken after he did something stupid. At first I used to think it was to get himself out of trouble but the more I got to know him, I realized that he only did that when he knew he was in the wrong. It�s those times when he would glare at me and push his two fingers into my chest that I would really go off on him. It didn�t happen often but let�s say like most children go through the terrible twos; Nick went through the terrible fifteens.  
  
  
  
Fifteen was a hard age for Nick and for all of us, who had to deal with him, thank God, that�s over and done with.  
  
  
  
So I started my lecture, same as always. It felt like we were right there in the past again. No time going by what so ever.  
  
  
  
�I wish you wouldn�t always think that.� That the start of my �talk�.  
  
  
  
�I don�t always think that.�  
  
  
  
�Whenever you do something stupid, you always ask them if I hate you.�  
  
  
  
�Because you always get mad and walk out of the room.�  
  
  
  
�Well when I do that, don�t I always come back in to talk to you?�  
  
  
  
����  
  
  
  
�Well?�  
  
  
  
���.�  
  
  
  
�I always come back to talk to you. I love you Nick but sometimes you don�t think!�  
  
  
  
���..�  
  
  
  
�You had to realize that by drinking that much Vodka you would get drunk. You were in here drinking all alone.�  
  
  
  
���.�  
  
  
  
�You polished off about ten of those bottles if I counted correctly.�  
  
  
  
���..�  
  
  
  
�Are you just going to sit there and not say anything?�  
  
  
  
��.....*sighs*���  
  
  
  
�I just thought that things would have been different you know? I mean this is the first real day of our reunion and instead of coming out with Howie and I, you chose to get shit faced all by yourself in the hotel room. What is that supposed to say to us?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t mean to do it.�  
  
  
  
�You never mean to do it.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t invited out with you.�  
  
  
  
�I invited you myself.�  
  
  
  
�You were forcing me to go.�  
  
  
  
�Still�.that�s an invite.�  
  
  
  
�No, you weren�t giving me a choice.�  
  
  
  
�I asked you to go with us and so did Howie. The manner I asked you to go is unimportant.�  
  
  
  
�But you didn�t invite me at first.�  
  
  
  
�So that�s why you chose to get drunk? What is this first grade?�  
  
  
  
���.�  
  
  
  
�You have to learn how to make better decisions Nick! Hasn�t being a solo artist taught you that?�  
  
  
  
�I was going to go to the beach.�  
  
  
  
�But?�  
  
  
  
�The Muppet Movie was on��  
  
  
  
�So?�  
  
  
  
�I wanted to watch it.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, and?�  
  
  
  
����  
  
  
  
�We are just getting back together Nick; we have such a long way to go.�  
  
  
  
�I know what I did was stupid.�  
  
  
  
�Good.�  
  
  
  
�And I don�t plan on doing it again.�  
  
  
  
�Even better.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry I let you down.�  
  
  
  
�You didn�t let anyone down�you just have to think next time. I worry about your lack of common sense.�  
  
  
  
����  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry I yelled at you.� I made sure to say after he looked like a puppy in need of a belly scratch. I always ended up apologizing to him for something but I knew I was out of line yelling at him to take a shower.  
  
  
  
�That�s okay.�  
  
  
  
�Good�so we are all good now? All is forgotten right?�  
  
  
  
�I guess.�  
  
  
  
�And you know I don�t hate you right?�  
  
  
  
���.�  
  
  
  
�Right?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
After our lecture, (I stopped numbering them after we hit a thousand) I stood up and ruffled his hair, to which he just sat there still looking down at the ground. It was then that I looked out at the balcony and saw both Howie and my cousin staring at us so I walked over to the door and opened it, �Take a picture it lasts longer!� I said, and then added, since I was on a roll and all, �and I hope you guys are ready to go. We have reservations in an hour!�  
  
  
  
After I closed the door again I saw my cousin roll his eyes at me. It wasn�t easy being the intimidator but someone has to do it I guess.  
  
  
  
�Idiots!� I muttered as I walked back into my room to call my wife.  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

****

**10  
  
  
  
The new place on Melrose**

  
  
  
  
�Well if nothing else, dinner should be mildly entertaining now.� I was talking to my brother about some business that needed attending to when he made the mistake of asking me how things were going so far.  
  
  
  
�Wow, sounds like everything is how it was before you guys took your break.�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�Besides Nick, how�s everyone else?�  
  
  
  
�Good, all happy and healthy.�  
  
  
  
�AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Especially AJ.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good. Are you going to do what we talked about then?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I think so.�  
  
  
  
�Good luck Howard, just stick to your guns and don�t let them brush it off.�  
  
  
  
�I will.�  
  
  
  
�Good� Well, I�m going to go take care of this thing now. Talk to you soon little brother.�  
  
  
  
�Bye John.�  
  
  
  
�Later.�  
  
  
  
I hung up the phone with my brother and sighed at myself in the mirror. Tonight I was going to make the suggestion to the guys that I take over the business end of our career. It was something I have been thinking about ever since we made the decision to get back together. One of our biggest problems as a band has always been being too na�ve when it came to the business side of things. None of us has ever had a firm grasp on the business side of show biz. We learned by making horrible mistakes, mistakes that cost us so much money and grief. Now that we were all older, there was no way I was going to let those things happen again.  
  
  
  
�Hey D.� I glanced over at the door to see AJ standing there putting a baseball cap on his head, �Kevin told me to ask you if you were almost ready.�  
  
  
  
�Just about.�  
  
  
  
He walked all the way in the room and sat on the bed, the one that Nick should�ve been sleeping in if I wasn�t such a HUGE pushover. I am so getting my master bedroom back tonight.  
  
  
  
�So have things calmed down out there a bit?�  
  
  
  
�I guess so; the only one out there is Kevin right now. Brian�s on the phone and Nick is in his room getting ready.�  
  
  
  
�This is actually his room you know.�  
  
  
  
�It is?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, I let him sleep in my room last night.�  
  
  
  
�The master bedroom is yours?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�I was wondering how he got that. You are such a pushover when it comes to that kid D.�  
  
  
  
�I know but�never mind, you�re right. I am a pushover.� AJ laughed at me when I gave him the finger.  
  
  
  
�You all ready?� I asked finally spritzing myself with some cologne.  
  
  
  
�Howie my man�I was born ready.� He winked at me and I shook my head at him. He was such a dork sometimes.  
  
  
  
We ventured out into the living room where Nick was sitting, one leg over the other playing on his Sidekick. Brian was off to the side at the table talking to his wife and Kevin was sitting on the couch right next to Nick, looking at his watch.  
  
  
  
�All right guys; let�s get this show on the road.� He said when he saw us finally emerge from my bedroom.  
  
  
  
�Where are we going anyway?� Nick asked in a whisper. Still not even bothering to look away from his Sidekick thing he was playing with.  
  
  
  
�A new place on Melrose, it�s supposed to be excellent.� Kevin answered placing his hotel room key in his pocket.  
  
  
  
�Excellent for normal people or excellent for people who eat weird shit?�  
  
  
  
�Excellent as in great food AJ.�  
  
  
  
�What kind of food though Kevin? I mean your definition of excellent food is different from mine.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, I swear when it comes to food you have the mentality of a five year old. Just try it.�  
  
  
  
I smiled when I saw Nicky roll his eyes, thinking no one was looking at him. Of course at that point Kevin had glared in his direction but Nicky, oblivious to everything around him didn�t notice. Brian finally got off the phone and off we went to this new place on Melrose.  
  
  
  
There were a few paparazzi lingering by the main entrance as we approached. �Great� just what I wanted to see.� Nicky whispered to me as we started for the front door.  
  
  
  
A few pictures were snapped but nothing really, most of them were in the process of changing their film to notice or care about us one way or the other. Thoughts about the conversation Kevin and I had earlier ran through my mind. I remember days when all the paparazzi cared about was us. I wonder who was inside to cause such a stir but that was answered by AJ within a beat of my thought.  
  
  
  
�Well look who it is, Miss Hilton.�  
  
  
  
�The blonde or the brunette one?� I have to admit, I couldn�t remember which was which all I know is I was sick to death of seeing and hearing about them both. They did have nice hotels though.  
  
  
  
�Paris, the one who made that tape.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
Kevin gave the hostess his name and we were all quickly escorted to the back of the restaurant to a small room away from everyone else. We passed by the Hilton table but they didn�t even give us a second glance. �She�s hot.� AJ whispered into my ear just as we sat down.  
  
  
  
�Whatever�� I sat down and looked over at Kevin who was staring down at the wine list. Brian had his head in the menu and both Nicky and AJ were staring over at the Hilton table.  
  
  
  
It was then I said to myself, �maybe I�ll bring it up after we eat and have some dessert.� already hearing my brother lecturing me about backing down.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I couldn�t take my eyes off of her, she was beautiful, well not in a wow you�re pretty type way but more like an �I bet she is a monster in bed� type way. Did I want to have sex with Miss Hilton? You bet your ass I did.  
  
  
  
�AJ, stop staring it�s not polite.� I glanced over at Brian and smiled.  
  
  
  
�Sorry dude but she�s damn hot. I�d love to�well you know.�  
  
  
  
�You�ll probably have to get in line Boner.� He said motioning his head over at Nick who was also staring over that way.  
  
  
  
�I wonder if she always has that many people around her?� Nick asked no one in particular as he finally allowed himself to look away.  
  
  
  
�She�s a media whore Nick what do you think?� Kevin said as he laughed at himself under his breath, �Now do we know what we want?�  
  
  
  
�Hey maybe I should date her, that would get us some media attention right Kev?� I couldn�t help it. I knew he was no fan of the heiress and he was forcing me to eat at a place where it seemed everything came to your plate alive.  
  
  
  
�That kind of attention we can do without thanks very much AJ.� We all laughed as I once again looked down at my menu.  
  
  
  
�Good Lord Kev, what on earth are these things supposed to be anyway?�  
  
  
  
�It�s called sushi AJ; sometimes I think you are from another planet.�  
  
  
  
�Yes I am from a planet where people like to eat cows and not living fish, thanks.�  
  
  
  
�Would you like a children�s menu?� I loved when Nick caused Kevin to be in a bad mood, have I mentioned that nothing makes me happier when that happens?  
  
  
  
�Sushi isn�t that bad AJ, actually I kind of like it.� And then he starts sucking up to Kevin to try to get back on his good side. Nick is so predictable.  
  
  
  
�I�ll just have rice thanks�� I closed my menu disgusted by the whole experience. I would be making a McDonald�s run tonight and how much do you want to bet that Nick aka Mr. Sushi lover, would be joining me?  
  
  
  
�We�ll get the house special.� Kevin said totally ignoring my grunt of disapproval.  
  
  
  
�Next time I get to pick the restaurant.� I insisted as the waiter came over to fill all of our glasses with water.  
  
  
  
�Okay fine next time we will go eat a cow just for you.� For some reason Nick busted out laughing at that and because his laugh was so damn contagious we all just started laughing naturally. I�m sure we sounded like a bunch of jackasses to the Hilton party because as we were done with our outburst I happened to glance over to notice her staring at me and smiling.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I should go introduce myself to Miss Hilton. Does anyone know if she�s available?�  
  
  
  
�I think she always has a vacant sign over her head at least.� Brian spit out his water on that one. You�ve got to hand it to Kevin; he had a way with zingers. �Besides�� He continued after a few more moments of contemplation, �Only a complete moron would date her. She�s trouble and everyone knows it.�  
  
  
  
�Wow I think my cousin needs to be appointed as the new president of Paris Hilton�s fan club.� Brian said with a smirk, adding, �My wife thinks the dog is cute though.�  
  
  
  
�Well I�m just going to say that if something comes to this table that calls for me to bat it on the head and kill it, I�m leaving.� Again Nick started giggling. Maybe he was drunk again? No, he�s just an idiot now I remember.  
  
  
  
�AJ I promise you will not have to club anything to death, although if you don�t stop complaining I�m liable to club you to death.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah J, leave the whining to Nick, it�s what he does best.� I high fived Howie on that one as Nick very maturely stuck out his tongue at us.  
  
  
  
The first course of what was going to be a very long meal came out only a few minutes later. It was something wrapped in something else. I know that�s pretty much the general description of sushi anyway but still it didn�t look half bad and by the way Nick grabbed one and ate it, I thought I�d give it a try and you know what? It was friggin awesome! Shows you what the hell I know.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I have never really been a fan of sushi, Leigh loves it so we go out and eat it from time to time but I usually avoided it at all costs. I didn�t feel comfortable being here for some reason. Maybe it was the paparazzi glaring at us through the window, even though it wasn�t even us they were looking at. I have to admit I didn�t miss those days, days when I couldn�t eat a meal without worrying about if I had something sticking out of my mouth or if something was on my shirt knowing it would end up in all the teeny bopper magazines.  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you hungry Bri?� I looked over at Kevin who was staring at my empty plate.  
  
  
  
�I thought I�d pace myself since we are having a five course meal, besides Boner isn�t leaving us much at all is he?� I had to laugh at AJ who did nothing but bitch about going to a Sushi bar to now every five seconds saying �wow this stuff is the best.� He�s funny in a nutso kind of way.  
  
  
  
�So guys�does anybody have a song for us when we hit the studio?� I was kind of surprised that it was Nick who said that. Typically he wasn�t the get down to business guy in this group.  
  
  
  
�I have some stuff written maybe we can look it over tomorrow.� AJ volunteered.  
  
  
  
I had written a lot of songs but most of them were spiritual in nature, I was going to be releasing a Christian album soon. It�s something I have been working on forever and now it was almost ready to go.  
  
  
  
�I have a ton of songs for us to try.�  
  
  
  
�You do?� Nick looked over at me and nodded. H seemed annoyed that I was surprised by that.  
  
  
  
�I have a bunch too.� Howie countered.  
  
  
  
�Yeah me too.� Kevin nodded as he placed a sushi roll in his mouth.  
  
  
  
�Well at least we have a lot f stuff to choose from.� I laughed for some reason, it sounded like a nervous phony laugh and they instantly noticed it.  
  
  
  
�Something wrong Rok?�  
  
  
  
�No, just uneasy because of the photographers.�  
  
  
  
�I guess it�s something we�ll have to get used to again. I have a feeling as long as Paris is here, they will be too.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at AJ, �I know�sorry it�s just weird that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�I�m looking forward to all if us singing together tomorrow. I mean we haven�t done that in such a long time.� Again I was surprised that came out of Nick�s mouth and again he looked disappointed in my facial expression. Boy I was really batting a thousand with him.  
  
  
  
�I am too buddy.� I thought maybe that would help and I think it did because he smiled at me, and then once again glanced over at the Hilton table. I was kind of hoping they would be leaving soon so we could continue our meal in peace.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I looked around the table as everyone was eating and had to laugh when I saw Nick attempting to eat with chopsticks. He didn�t think anyone was watching him but it was a pretty amusing site. Especially because it was rice, he�d get it up to his mouth and then it�d fall.  
  
  
  
I was glad to feel the tension cease as dinner progressed because that wouldn�t have been a good sign if we couldn�t handle even our second day together without awkward silences.  
  
  
  
Seemed like everything was going smoothly, we had discussed song ideas and producers as well as what we should try to sing tomorrow when we tried harmonizing for the first time together in forever. We decided on I Want it that Way and why not, right? I mean that is the song that pretty much changed all of our lives.  
  
  
  
I grabbed another piece of sushi and some more Wasabi and placed it in my mouth. �Hey guys�� Howie said sounding nervous as he pushed his plate aside.  
  
  
  
�What is it D?�  
  
  
  
�I have been kind of thinking�well�we should be thinking about the business stuff.�  
  
  
  
�Money you mean?� He nodded at me.  
  
  
  
�I was thinking that if you guys wouldn�t mind�maybe I could take over that side of things for us. You know? Be in charge of our finances, keep track of where our money is going.�  
  
  
  
It�s weird because I haven�t ever really seen Howie as a businessman before, I mean I always knew he had that in him somewhere but thinking about it, out of all of us he was the one that I would trust most with my money.  
  
  
  
�Sounds good to me, does anyone object?�  
  
  
  
�Depends�will you be using my money for good or evil?�  
  
  
  
Howie glanced over at Nick and winked, �Oh yours? Pure evil of course.�  
  
  
  
�Fine than it�s a deal!� We all laughed.  
  
  
  
�So since Howie is in charge of the money now and all� does that mean that dinner is on him?�  
  
  
  
�Oh nice try AJ.� Howie balled up his fist and shook it at the kid. I couldn�t believe how unthreatening one person could be.  
  
  
  
�I thought I was buying you dinner tonight anyway Bone.� Nick�s head shot up like someone had just smacked him in the back. I could tell AJ and Brian�s closeness was hurting him. It�s not like he was doing a great job at hiding it. Although I guess I have always been able to read him. And that, my friends, takes talent.  
  
  
  
�Why?� He asked sounding like a hurt little puppy dog.  
  
  
  
�Because I beat Rok�s ass at golf today. I mean totally destroyed his ass. His ass is no longer there it was so destroyed.�  
  
  
  
�Okay enough�they get it AJ.� Brian laughed as he bit at his bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�He beat you?� I couldn�t believe that one at all.  
  
  
  
�Yes, but to my defense, I was preoccupied, waiting for the wife to call about Baylee.�  
  
  
  
�Oh my GOD! Brian�Leighanne called while you were gone. I�m so sorry I forgot to tell you.� Nick stuttered, falling all over his words as if they were new to him.  
  
  
  
�That�s okay, I talked to her already.� I shook my head at our youngest member to which he took note and immediately buried his head back into his Sidekick.  
  
  
  
�Anyway�� He continued, �I plan on evening up the score tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�You�re golfing again tomorrow?�  
  
  
  
�Yes why not? I mean if it�s nice weather.�  
  
  
  
�What�s going to be your excuse tomorrow?�  
  
  
  
�Tomorrow dofoburger�I won�t need one.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah right.�  
  
  
  
My cousin was so competitive with everything. I looked over at Nick as he pretended not to care about what we were saying, and came up with the best idea ever, �Why don�t we all go golfing together?�  
  
  
  
�I hate golfing.�  
  
  
  
�I know Howie but it seems like it would be a great thing for us all to do after our singing practice.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin�you know I love you guys and all but we really don�t have to do everything together. I mean we are going to be spending the next�I don�t know how long with each other.� AJ argued.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right back.� Nick stood up and pushed in his chair.  
  
  
  
�Where are you going?�  
  
  
  
�Relax Kev�just to the bathroom. No worries, the bar is in the other direction.� He said shaking his head at me as AJ laughed at his smartass comeback.  
  
  
  
When he was gone from earshot, I turned to my band mates, �Guys I really don�t think it�s a good idea to split up again tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�God Kev�seriously if this is about the drinking thing again, he said he made a mistake. He wouldn�t do it twice in a row.�  
  
  
  
�I know but��  
  
  
  
�I was going to invite him to the beach with me tomorrow if they are going golfing.� Howie said while going over the bill carefully.  
  
  
  
See? It was nice to know that I wasn�t the only one concerned. �Hey who wants to do something with me?� I said after a realized that I was the one being left out this time.  
  
  
  
�Hey there�s always a mini bar to raid.�  
  
  
  
�Enough AJ!�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I had to get away from that table for a few minutes. What I really needed was to smoke, so I bypassed the bathroom and headed out the backdoor to light up. They all knew I smoked but since we were on our break I really have taken up smoking almost as much as AJ does. �I�m such a loser.�  
  
  
  
�You always talk to yourself?� I looked up at the female voice who said that to see a woman who was sitting over at the Hilton table. She motioned for me to light her cigarette for her which I did.  
  
  
  
�Only when no one is listening.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I guess because if they are listening that means you aren�t by yourself.� Okay lady with the stupid cigarette who is making me feel dumb�you can move along anytime now.  
  
  
  
�I thought you said you were going to the bathroom��  
  
  
  
�Were you spying on me?�  
  
  
  
�You are a pretty loud guy.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I know�sorry.�  
  
  
  
�No apologies necessary, we are pretty loud too.�  
  
  
  
She held out her hand, �Names Sophie�I work for Paris.�  
  
  
  
�Nick Carter.� I said to which she nodded.  
  
  
  
�Yes I know, actually that�s why I came out here. Paris asked me to give this to you.� She said handing me a card with a phone number on it. �She said she�d like it if you called her up and asked her out sometime.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Really.� She threw her cigarette down and stepped on it, �I better be getting back inside now. Nice meeting you Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Same to you.� I think I probably had a stupid look on my face because well�it felt like a stupid look and the way Sophie smiled at me it probably was like how I felt but let�s get back to the point�Paris wants to date me? What the hell?  
  
  
  
I shrugged and put my own cigarette out as I moved back inside, not looking where I was going; I walked right into the wall. I hated when I did stuff like that. Hopefully no one noticed though. I looked up to find a few waiters trying not to laugh at me, �I was just practicing walking with my eyes closed�.you know�just in case.� I darted out of there before they had a chance to figure out that what I said made no sense, and rounded the corner just in time to hear my name.  
  
  
  
Oh joy!  
  
  
  
�Nick shouldn�t be left alone�� Kevin said that just as I walked in the room. And of course me being the nice guy I am tried my best to pretend I didn�t hear it.  
  
  
  
�Whoa�awkward huh Kevin? Don�t you hate it when you are talking about someone behind their back and they walk in the room? I know when that happens to me I feel like a jackass.� So I changed my mind.  
  
  
  
�Sorry but it�s the truth isn�t it?� One thing about Kevin�he doesn�t back down so I didn�t even bother.  
  
  
  
I just shrugged, �Yeah whatever.� I know in the end he was just jealous because I was friends with Tommy Freaking Lee! And now I had Paris friggin� Hilton wanting to screw me! That made me like uber cool.  
  
  
  
I almost decided to share this information with them right then and there but instead, I placed the card in my pocket and smiled over at her table just as AJ was doing the same thing.  
  
  
  
�I paid for you Nick�� Brian said getting out of his chair.  
  
  
  
�You didn�t have to.�  
  
  
  
�I know�you can get it the next time. Oh and I�d like to talk to you later if you have a few minutes.�  
  
  
  
�Sure�� I smiled at him, hoping that he wanted to talk videogames and pizza just like the old days.  
  
  
  
�I think she has the hots for me�� AJ said talking about Paris as he walked past me to leave the room. I glanced at her again and she smiled and winked at me, so I did the same. Then I tripped over my feet�because I�m an idiot.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

****

**11  
  
  
  
So�retro!**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Our very first singing practice was kind of rough. Okay by saying rough I�m slightly under exaggerating because in all actuality it was a disaster. Who would have thought that just by being away from each other for awhile we would have forgotten what it�s like to sing together as a unit?  
  
  
  
But we did and it was rough�very rough. Have I mentioned how rough it was? The answer�very!  
  
  
  
Of course once we had trouble melding, some of us unable to stay on pitch for long periods of time, it was my cousin that began with the pointing of the fingers. He has done that as long as I�ve known him. Kevin is a classic tattle tale and it�s sad when your younger cousin has to call you out on it. He started out by pointing at me of course.  
  
  
  
�You�re singing that all in the wrong key Brian.� He had said while continually hitting the right one on the piano.  
  
  
  
�Oh, sorry�I�m rusty.� I had apologized.  
  
  
  
He quickly then turned to AJ and said the same thing to him, to which Nick was quick to say well maybe it�s you who are out of tune adding on a or Howie, because lord knows we have to blame Howie for something.  
  
  
  
Rough�  
  
  
  
Finally after about two hours of singing basic scales in unison we started with the harmonies again and this time it worked much better. Our voices had changed a tiny bit with the most noticeable difference being Nick and AJ. I couldn�t believe how incredible J sounded. How pure and soulful, I mean he could sing his butt off to begin with but this time around he really just blew me away.  
  
  
  
Nick�s voice changed a bit, he sounded more gruff but in a good way. You can tell he spent most of his time rocking out because that was easily reflected in his style which suddenly was vastly different from what we used to do.  
  
  
  
As far as me? Well I don�t think I changed that much. I know I was out of practice but not because I haven�t been singing my own butt off. It�s just that solo singing is so much different from the five part harmonies, especially something like Christian music. It was all so soft and sweet sounding. We didn�t sound like that anymore�our soft and sweet days were behind us.  
  
  
  
So we hung around the piano for a long time, Kevin played for most of that time which was another thing I was impressed by. My cousin�s piano playing had improved by leaps and bounds. I wanted to ask him if he had taken some lessons while we were on hiatus but decided not to. He would probably take offense to the suggestion especially in the mood he was in, which was not a good one. So I kept that thought to myself. Luckily for all of us, his mood lightened up once our singing did and by the end of our very first rehearsal he was all smiles.  
  
  
  
Our very first rehearsal� sounds so retro.  
  
  
  
I kind of got a little emotional actually; just a flood of memories came back to me when we were sitting on stools around the piano. I remember vividly the first time we ever did that, how excited I had been about the prospect of hitting it big. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that moment in time and really soak it in.  
  
  
  
At the end of rehearsal I looked over at J and nodded, placing my finger up to my neck and whooshing it across as if it was a knife. That was my reminder to him that shortly I�d be killing him in golf. I�m not even going to bother telling you the kind of gesture AJ made back at me, let�s just say that it was colorful and very him.  
  
  
  
He walked over to me shortly afterwards, �What�s your take on how it went today?�  
  
  
  
�We suck.� I rubbed at my neck, it was kind of cramped.  
  
  
  
�Yeah speak for yourself Littrell, I sound awesome!�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him, �You do sound great AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Sure now make me feel bad for dissing you Rok, I know how you work.�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at my cousin again who seemed morose to me, �Wonder what is wrong with him?� I asked nodding my head over his way.  
  
  
  
�Nick is going to give him an aneurysm.� AJ answered shrugging and taking out his cigarettes.  
  
  
  
�Can�t believe you are going to smoke after the way you sang today.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe these are the reason I am sounding so good, ever consider that?�  
  
  
  
�No can�t say I have�even for a moment.�  
  
  
  
�Well screw you then, I�m going out for a smoke. I�ll meet you outside.� I nodded at him as he walked away. Once again I looked over at my cousin but this time he glanced over at me as well. I smiled at him and he did the same to me, I decided to walk over to him, strike up a conversation, make sure everything was okie dokie with him.  
  
  
  
�Hey, so what are you planning to do for the rest of the day?�  
  
  
  
�No idea�I think I�ll probably make some phone calls and just relax in the hotel room. Maybe go with Howie and Nick to the beach.�  
  
  
  
�You�re welcome to join AJ and me.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks�when are you leaving?�  
  
  
  
�As soon as AJ gets done smoking.�  
  
  
  
�Wonderful.� He rolled his eyes which was so predictable and expected.  
  
  
  
�Thanks for the invite but I think I�ll pass this time.�  
  
  
  
�Everything okay Kev?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, why do you ask?�  
  
  
  
�You seem down.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry�guess I am disappointed how it went today. I was just expecting us to be able to snap back into our old routine.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I hear ya�but you know�it will get better Kevin.�  
  
  
  
He looked at me and smiled, �I know.�  
  
  
  
Howie walked over to us with that phone of his firmly planted in his hands, �Have you guys seen Nicky?� He asked, placing his hand over the receiver.  
  
  
  
I shook my head, realizing that I still didn�t do what I told D I was going to do. I meant to talk to Nick last night but then Leighanne called and we spent about four hours on the phone. We watched TV together and I would occasionally close my eyes and pretend she was lying right next to me on the bed. God I missed my wife.  
  
  
  
�Oh Lord don�t tell me he�s missing.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin relax, he�s probably just in the bathroom.� I shook my head at Kevin remembering what AJ had said about aneurysms.  
  
  
  
�You worry too much cousin.� I smiled at him, but I guess deep down inside I had a mental picture of Nick walking around naked on Rodeo Drive all drunk and stupid. It wasn�t a pretty mental picture either.  
  
  
  
�Well, I�m going to see if I can get AJ to part with his cancer stick so we can go golfing.� I nodded at my two older band mates and winked at my cousin before heading towards the door.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I walked outside and saw puffs of smoke coming from the corner of the building so I thought I�d check it out only to find Nickolas who, when he saw me turn the corner, nervously dropped his cigarette and stamped on it.  
  
  
  
�Niiick, are you trying to hide the fact that you�ve been smoking?� I asked him raising my eyebrow suspiciously at him as I approached.  
  
  
  
He coughed into his hand and then put it nervously into his pocket� �Hey AJ, yeah force of habit I guess�sorry.�  
  
  
  
�What is this, a Junior High boy�s room? I don�t care if you smoke or not.� I laughed at him; the kid cracked me up sometimes.  
  
  
  
�I know�I thought you were Kevin. I�m kind of on his shit list.�  
  
  
  
�You think? I hadn�t noticed.�  
  
  
  
�Very funny�and about the junior high bathroom, I wouldn�t know would I?� Nick always had the knack for being overly dramatic, but when it came to his lack of schooling I always felt bad for him. Probably because out of all of us, I understood what that was like the most.  
  
  
  
�Has anyone ever told you that you care too much about what other people think?� I decided to ask him after he felt it was safe to light up again.  
  
  
  
�You think so?�  
  
  
  
�See?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�You just asked me if I think so, who the hell cares if I think so.�  
  
  
  
�AJ did you come out here to confuse me?�  
  
  
  
�That doesn�t take much.�  
  
  
  
�What doesn�t take much?�  
  
  
  
�Confusing you...never mind, anyway my point is you are old enough to tell Kevin to fuck off.�  
  
  
  
He laughed, �Yeah riiight, you first.�  
  
  
  
�I have done that quite a few times actually.� And I have, Kevin and I have gotten into some major arguments over the years. I used to be afraid of him but then one day I said you know what? Who gives a crap! Okay, so I was stoned out of my head at the time but still�technically I did tell him off.  
  
  
  
�I�m not ready to do that just yet.�  
  
  
  
�Because you like that he cares, admit it.�  
  
  
  
�Fuck you.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll take that as a yes and how come you have no problem telling me to fuck off?�  
  
  
  
�Pffft! Please AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Come on�you know you are just as intimidated by me as you are of him.�  
  
  
  
�Yes I�m shaking in my shorts actually�I mean you could always paint my nails in my sleep or something.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up brat! I SO need to kick your ass one day.�  
  
  
  
He laughed and then got serious, �Can I ask you a question?�  
  
  
  
�Shoot.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think I should go out with Paris Hilton?�  
  
  
  
�Where the hell did that come from?�  
  
  
  
�Yesterday at the restaurant, she gave me her number and asked me to take her out sometime.�  
  
  
  
�Get the fuck out! No way Carter, she didn�t even leave her table.�  
  
  
  
�She sent someone over to me while I was out at the bathroom.�  
  
  
  
�She didn�t talk to you herself?� He shook his head.  
  
  
  
�Damn! Why do they always go for you?� He shrugged as he continued to puff on his smoke.  
  
  
  
�Don�t you think it�s kind of weird she didn�t just ask you herself? She had the hired help do it?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe because of all the paparazzi.�  
  
  
  
�True��  
  
  
  
�So, what do you think?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t even know why you are thinking about it�she�s hot�she seems nice enough�she�s hot and have I mentioned she�s hot?� He laughed.  
  
  
  
�Yeah but she�s always surrounded by press.� He had a point there.  
  
  
  
�It�s one date Nick, it�s not like you�re marrying her or anything. You�re young, she�s young� go for it.�  
  
  
  
�We�ll see, maybe it was a fluke.�  
  
  
  
�She probably meant to give her number to ME.� Nick rolled his eyes at me and I laughed.  
  
  
  
�Don�t tell the others about this okay? I don�t want them freaking out or anything.�  
  
  
  
�First of all Kaos, why in the hell would I even tell anyone about it? Secondly you�re right. Kevin would freak the hell out.�  
  
  
  
�Why would Kevin freak the hell out?� At the sound of Brian�s voice, Nick dropped and stepped on his cigarette again. Of course I had to make fun of him for that.  
  
  
  
�Nothing�hey!� Nick replied, waving at Brian as if he was the hall monitor poking his head in the bathroom to make sure no one was getting into trouble.  
  
  
  
�Are you ready to go? I�m anxious to whoop your butt!� Brian replied while tapping my head for some strange reason. He�s weird.  
  
  
  
�Yeah I guess�� I looked over at Nick to see if we were done with our conversation and he was staring at his feet.  
  
  
  
�See ya later Nick.� I said patting his back.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�have fun guys. I�ll talk to you later.� He smiled but it wasn�t a real one. I felt like that kid in junior high who accidentally steals one best friend away from another.  
  
  
  
�Nick, when I get back I�m going to stop by your room is that okay?� He looked up and smiled at Brian.  
  
  
  
�Sure.�  
  
  
  
�See ya later and might want to not light up again, Kevin is on his way out.�  
  
  
  
He nodded, �Thanks.�  
  
  
  
As we walked away, I pat Brian on the head, �So what are you buying for me when I win today? I can always use a new car.�  
  
  
  
�Pfft! we�ll see about that.� He said as we headed towards my van which I have lovingly named Mr. Pukey. I also call Nick that too.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I watched them leave and suddenly got sad, well sad and mad. For some reason, I was angry at Brian. I don�t know why, I mean how immature can I be? Very� according to the guys I�m sure.  
  
  
  
�He hates me��  
  
  
  
�Who hates you?�  
  
  
  
�What is it about you guys and sneaking up on a person when he�s trying to talk to himself?�  
  
  
  
�Howie was looking for you.� Kevin said�completely ignoring what I had just said.  
  
  
  
�I told him I�d be outside.�  
  
  
  
�What you think I�m lying to you?� He answered all defensively.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say that, chill man.� I shook my head at Kevin as he stood there staring at me. Was it a stare or a glare? I couldn�t say for sure.  
  
  
  
�You need to stop that by the way.� Damn it all to hell, how in the world did he even know I was smoking? He�s like the CIA I swear.  
  
  
  
�Okay sorry�I really am trying to quit and I don�t really do it that often��  
  
  
  
�What the hell are you talking about?�  
  
  
  
�Um�what are you talking about?� Always conquer a Kevin question with another one.  
  
  
  
�The thinking people hate you all the time. You have to stop that.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�Do I even want to know what you were talking about?�  
  
  
  
�Probably not.�  
  
  
  
He grabbed my shoulder and squeezed in a loving, caring way. �Then don�t tell me, I�m not in the mood to know.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem�are you coming with Howie and I to the beach?�  
  
  
  
�Not this time, I think I�m going to go back to the hotel and sleep. I�m afraid I�m getting a cold or something.�  
  
  
  
�That sucks.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah it kind of does, but you guys have a great time and I�ll see ya when you get back.�  
  
  
  
�We�re actually heading to the hotel first so we can change I�d imagine.�  
  
  
  
�Then see ya in a few.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �Okay later Kevy��  
  
  
  
�I hate that nickname.�  
  
  
  
�I know; that�s why I just called you that.�  
  
  
  
�Later.� He said, smirking at me as he left.  
  
  
  
I grabbed another cigarette out of my pocket and lit it, shielding the lighter from the wind.  
  
  
  
�There you are, I was looking all over the place for you.�  
  
  
  
Howie startled me so I dropped my cigarette onto my hand, thus burning the shit out of myself.  
  
  
  
�Son of a bitch! Ah! What is wrong with you friggin people sneaking up on me like that?�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay?� He walked over to examine my hand.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, it just hurt like a mother fucker.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry�you should put some ice on it before it blisters.�  
  
  
  
I shook it, not like shaking it would do anything mind you but I was hoping the breeze created by my shaking the hand around would ease the pain a little bit.  
  
  
  
�Yeah when we get to the hotel.�  
  
  
  
�Oh Nicky, about that�I�m sorry buddy but I�ll have to take a rain check on the beach. John just called and said there�s a little crisis at one of the hotels and I need to sort it out.�  
  
  
  
I tried not to look disappointed, �That�s okay D�I�ll go alone.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe Kev will��  
  
  
  
�Nah he said he thinks he�s getting sick.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I mean I could try to handle it all from the beach��  
  
  
  
�Howie, it�s not a big deal. Seriously, I�ve gone to the beach alone before, many times in fact.�  
  
  
  
�No you haven�t liar! You couldn�t do that without getting mobbed before.�  
  
  
  
�If you haven�t noticed, things have changed.� He thought about this for a minute and nodded.  
  
  
  
�Okay good, why don�t we head over to the hotel then?�  
  
  
  
�You know what? I think I�m just going to head right on over to the beach now; I wasn�t going to go in the water anyway. I just want to go sit and watch the waves.� Truth was I didn�t want to go to the hotel because then Kevin would have ended up coming with me. Not that I didn�t want Kevin�s company, but I would know he just didn�t trust me alone, seems that�s the only way to get them to hang with me these days... poor me.  
  
  
  
He smiled at me and once again grabbed his phone, �See ya later Nicky. And put something on that hand, go get a drink and use the ice or something.�  
  
  
  
�Good idea�.D you is a genius!�  
  
  
  
�Yup I know this.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him as he walked away chirping orders to his brother over the phone.  
  
  
  
For whatever reason I started whistling as I headed over to the beach. I decided to take a cab and then hoof it from there.  
  



	12. Chapter 12

****

**12  
  
  
  
I Digress�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
This is when I sometimes regretted my decision to do the whole group thing again, when it came to not being around in case something bad happened at one of our hotels. John and I had started quite a business, the only thing was when it came to dealing with unreasonable people, John was not very good at that kind of stuff. Not that I was any better mind you, we are both far too nice to be as shark like as you sometimes needed to be in real estate but even so, he would cave in long before I would even think of doing so.  
  
  
  
Another thing that tended to happen was major investors wanted to talk to me over my brother because they knew at the end of the day; it was my money they were dealing with. I know that bothered John, because most likely it would bother me if I was him. It�s not like we haven�t ever talked about that before though. One thing I never wanted to happen was to have anyone in my family secretly resent me for my fame or money. Thank God I was spared from that stuff.  
  
  
  
My family for the most part, has always understood what it would be like for them being related to me. The one that�s had the hardest time adjusting is my father just because he�s kind of a traditionalist. He hated the fact that when I would come home from a tour, I couldn�t just take out the garbage like everyone else without being greeted by throngs of screaming people.  
  
  
  
�Let them scream at you, cover your ears and take out the damn trash!� That was my dad and I loved him for it.  
  
  
  
My parents have really helped me deal with this fame thing, always grounding me to who I really am, never letting my ego get way out of hand. It�s actually a good thing I am the famous one, because I can easily see Johnny being impossible to live with if he ever got to my status. He�s a bit of a diva and of course by just saying he�s not at my status, makes me sound like I�m a little bit of a diva as well.  
  
  
  
Then there�s my girlfriend� Leigh sometimes hates the whole fame thing as well, but sometimes she likes it, a little too much. I guess maybe that�s why I never let us get to a higher level.  
  
  
  
There is always that fear clawing at the back of my mind that she might be using me to get somewhere else. In that aspect, I hated being famous, never really knowing who you could trust.  
  
  
  
At least I know I have my family at the end of the day, which I know is more than a lot of people have. Including one of my own band members, so I shouldn�t complain. I am just feeling a little helpless right now.  
  
  
  
But I have digressed�  
  
  
  
Getting back to this problem that John called me about, seems like one of our major investors without any notice has decided to pull out of one of our new developments. He didn�t give a reason, just like that, pulled the plug. Now if I was there to handle this in person, I would be on my way to that office to meet these people face to face. Unfortunately I�m thousands of miles away and my brother has to do it. Meaning we are not going to get this investor back.  
  
  
  
The entire ride back to the hotel I prepped John on exactly what he needed to do and say, smile, be sweet but also be persistent. That�s how I have done everything to date and so far, it has worked.  
  
  
  
I told him I could conference call with them, but he insisted he could do this on his own; I however should wait by the phone � just in case. Yeah, you can imagine, I�m not really crazy about that whole �just in case� thing.  
  
  
  
I walked into the hotel room and saw Kevin lying on the couch covered in a blanket watching TV with his arm over his head. He looked past me as I shut the door then mouthed the words, �where�s Nick?� as I walked past him and sat at the table.  
  
  
  
I was just about to answer him when my brother finally answered his phone, so instead I gave him the hang on a second gesture, �John?�  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you are already calling me.� My brother sounded annoyed. �I just got off the phone with you a few minutes ago.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I know but I forgot to tell you something. Just remember no matter what he says to you��  
  
  
  
�Ask him for his reasons and don�t back down I know Howie � I have control of the situation.� He was really angry; I could hear it in his voice, so I instantly started to feel bad about it.  
  
  
  
�Sorry John, just that this is really important.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think I don�t realize that Howard?�  
  
  
  
�You�re right�okay sorry. Just call me when the meeting is over okay?�  
  
  
  
�Sure.� He hung up and I felt like such a jerk.  
  
  
  
�Everything all right?� Kevin sat up and pulled the blanket around him as he did.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, just having some business issues.�  
  
  
  
�Where�s Nick?�  
  
  
  
�He went to the beach without me; I had to take care of this.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�How are you feeling?�  
  
  
  
�I have a stupid cold. Other than that I�m peachy.�  
  
  
  
�Better to get it now than when we are actually recording though.� I decided to keep my distance from him just in case he had the plague or something. I am not a big fan of germs.  
  
  
  
�Yes you�re right, that�s when Nick will get sick just like always.� I nodded in agreement.  
  
  
  
�Yes or AJ, he�s another one.� I laughed.  
  
  
  
�Think he�ll be okay alone?� He asked me after pausing for a few minutes to sniffle and cough.  
  
  
  
�Kev, he�s a big boy and as much as you and I worry about him, at the end of the day Nick is going to do what Nick wants to do.�  
  
  
  
�You�re right, I still worry though, I see him and sometimes I feel like I am staring at the old AJ, you know what I mean?�  
  
  
  
I did know what he meant because sometimes I felt that way too. �He�ll be okay. Sometimes you just have to let people go ahead and make their mistakes. Get them out of their system.� Here I am doling out those words of advice after making my older brother feel like crap, can we say hypocrite?  
  
  
  
�When did you get to be so philosophical Howard?� He asked me raising an eyebrow and smiling at me.  
  
  
  
�I�ve always been like that, you just never noticed.� He laughed before taking a sip of his orange juice.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to move back into my room now, not that I don�t love you Kev, but I really don�t want to get sick.�  
  
  
  
�Understandable.�  
  
  
  
I nodded and decided I was going to take this opportunity to move back into the master suite while young mister Carter was at the beach� that is as long as old master Kevin didn�t steal it away from the both of us.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
God I love the water, nothing makes me happier then being surrounded by water. You know sometimes I have even contemplated going on one of those crazy around the world boat races, just me and a whole year to sail around the entire globe in my boat. How cool would that be? I mean I know it would get lonely and after a few months I�d be hurting for some company but at the same time, I�d be so far away from everything, all the problems and the drama. I bet I�d win too, just because.  
  
  
  
I buried my feet under the sand and smiled at two little girls who were building a sand castle right by where I was sitting. One of them walked over and handed me a shell.  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� I said winking at her and she just giggled and ran away.  
  
  
  
Or maybe I could be a professional sand castle builder? Or better yet, surfer, nah that wouldn�t be very good because I really stink at surfing. I needed as much practice as possible for that one.  
  
  
  
Oooh I know what I could do, I could be one of those synchronized swimmers�nah, too creepy. Besides you don�t really see too many of those out in the middle of the ocean. As I scratched my head contemplating all the imaginary jobs I could take having to do with water, I was kind of surprised that I didn�t even get one call on the cell yet from Kevin, you know�making sure I was still sober and not doing something stupid.  
  
  
  
Then I thought about everyone else I wasn�t getting calls from anymore, thoughts of my siblings suddenly raced through my mind. I hated that, when suddenly my family crept into my thoughts just making my mood dark and sour.  
  
  
  
My family was a mess and sometimes I felt like I was the only one who cared enough to try to pick up the pieces. I had given up on my parents completely; they were all but out of my life. Not by my choice, but more for my sanity. My brother and sisters were another story. Even though the �kid� in me wanted nothing more than to bail on them, I just couldn�t do it. It�s funny really, when you stop and think about how often I get called immature and I�m not denying that I am, because hello? I was just talking about being a synchronized swimmer, but when it came down to it, this was the only time I was able to BE that immature guy. When I was with them, my boys, I could be a goofball.  
  
  
  
�Maybe that�s why I always do such incredibly stupid things when I�m with them.� I said out loud as I stared down at the shell the girl had given me. I guess while I was in the middle of my deep thoughts, I had gripped it a little too hard and it ended up cutting into my hand. The same hand I had just burned with my cigarette earlier.  
  
  
  
�Ouch.� It was a delayed reaction, but you know how that goes? It doesn�t hurt until you realize it�s there.  
  
  
  
I let out a huge sigh, I was lonely already. Sure, I would do great on a trip around the world when I can�t even keep myself company for an hour. I hated being all alone.  
  
  
  
Thanksgiving was coming up soon and I kind of reached a sobering conclusion that I would be spending it alone most likely. I mean I have kind of gotten used to that but in my mind I had the illusion that now that I was with the guys, things might be different. Let�s face it, maybe that�s why I was so eager to get back into this thing with them again. I needed my family. The last few days though, have really showed me that maybe they have kind of moved on without me. I mean I am here all alone again aren�t I?  
  
  
  
Yes I know, immature thinking again, but I�m having a down day suddenly.  
  
  
  
Maybe I�d feel better if I gave my brother a call, although lately that has only heightened my anxiety. If the guys think I�m a loose canon, they should spend some time with Aaron. That kid was a mess but who could blame him? Look who he has as his role model?  
  
  
  
�Pffft!�  
  
  
  
�Okay Nick, maybe coming to the beach alone was a dumb idea.� One of the little girls came back to me again with another shell.  
  
  
  
�Thanks a lot, they are very pretty�� I winked at her and she just ran away from me again. I was curious to know if she recognized me or if she was just being friendly. The next time she walked over I was going to tell her that it wasn�t a good idea to walk up to a strange man and give him something. Where was this girl�s parents anyway? I looked up and down the beach for an adult that might be looking out for these two young girls but didn�t see anyone.  
  
  
  
So I did the only logical thing I could think of to do, I called them over. I whistled at them and they both came running towards me, �Hey, I was just wondering where your parents were?�  
  
  
  
�They are down there swimming.�  
  
  
  
�Oh okay, you know you shouldn�t talk to strangers it�s not a good idea.�  
  
  
  
They looked at me like I was a child molester suddenly and then darted off back towards the water. �Oookay then, I think it�s time for me to leave.� I said standing up and wiping the sand off of my pants. My mission was accomplished, maybe I wasn�t going to be a surfer dude, around the world racer or underwater welder, yeah didn�t think about the underwater welding thing until just now but, that would be cool too�today I was Captain Nick�beach patrol and I possibly saved two little girls from being abducted by a weirdo while their parents didn�t even give them the time of day. Although the way the kids were pointing at me as both parents looked up in my direction, I started to feel like I was the one they needed protection from.  
  
  
  
I grabbed my shoes and decided to walk along the beach for a little while, maybe eat a fish taco and then head back to the hotel. Part of me even thought about calling AJ and Brian, inviting myself over to hang with them but then I saw a sign for cotton candy so I stopped thinking period.  
  
  
  
I love cotton candy!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�My son loves cotton candy�  
  
  
  
�Where the hell did that come from Rok?�  
  
  
  
I pointed over at a little boy who was sitting on his mother�s lap eating cotton candy while his father played golf.  
  
  
  
�Oh, since when do they sell cotton candy on a golf course? What�s next, funnel cakes?�  
  
  
  
I smiled and shook my head, �So how does it feel to know you are going to lose this round Bone?�  
  
  
  
�You�ve just been lucky today, that�s all there is to it.� He said placing his ball on the tee, our last tee before I beat him senseless.  
  
  
  
�Perhaps, if by luck you mean skill then you are right, I am a very highly lucky person.� I just loved sarcastic gloating, it was my specialty.  
  
  
  
�Shut up, God you get on my nerves.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry AJ, look we�ll lie and tell everyone you �almost� beat me, how�s that?�  
  
  
  
He chuckled, �You�re such a son of a bitch I swear!�  
  
  
  
I glanced back over at the little boy whose face was now all red as he picked away at his sugared treat. The mother was busy talking on her phone to hardly notice the mess her child was making. That just made me think of my family, but then again everything made me think of my family. Being apart from them was really killing me. To think of all the important things I may be missing out on in Baylee�s life. The words he was learning, the things he was discovering. I was missing it all.  
  
  
  
�Well it�s official; you beat my ass Brian�.congrats.� AJ extended his hand to me to which I took and kissed.  
  
  
  
�What the hell? I swear you are turning into Carter.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he picked that up from me.�  
  
  
  
�That�s a possibility.� He shrugged at me as we made our way back to the clubhouse.  
  
  
  
�I was thinking of asking Nick to go to dinner with me tonight, just the two of us.�  
  
  
  
AJ turned to me and smirked, �Sounds like a hot date, think Leigh will mind?�  
  
  
  
�I knew your perverted little mind was going to go there.�  
  
  
  
�Of course you did.�  
  
  
  
�I just think we should, I have barely spoken to the kid since we all came together.�  
  
  
  
�I think he�d like that Rok, actually I think he probably needs that.�  
  
  
  
�You are welcome to come though.�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �I don�t do well in threesomes besides I�m not really into blondes!�  
  
  
  
I batted him upside the head. Truth was I was kind of anxious about just hanging out with Nick one on one. I know that probably sounds horrible because at one time we were inseparable, but just that nowadays he made me feel a little uncomfortable. It was a reaction I knew I was going to have, but I also know that eventually it will go away.  
  
  
  
�Then why do you always feel the need to flirt with my wife?�  
  
  
  
�Our wife Brian, remember we are sharing your family.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know if I like that little game plan of yours Bone.� He gave me a devilish smirk.  
  
  
  
�Let�s get back to the hotel so you can go on your hot date. Maybe I can call our wife while you�re gone.�  
  
  
  
�Hahaha.� I shook my head at him as we walked back to his car�if you could call it that.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I shook my head trying to find the source of this earache which was suddenly creeping up on me. I hated being sick and the one thing I hated more than anything was when my ears were affected. They felt like they needed to pop or something. �If I get an ear infection, I�m going to have to hurt somebody.�  
  
  
  
Call it fate, but the second I said that Nick walked in the door humming while eating a huge piece of cotton candy. I almost laughed and would have if I wasn�t dying.  
  
  
  
�Cotton candy?� I asked, not realizing how hoarse my voice was. I am getting sick! Ack!  
  
  
  
�Are you sick?�  
  
  
  
�I told you I wasn�t feeling well.�  
  
  
  
He came and sat down on the couch beside me, sitting on my feet. When he did that, I kicked him so he slid himself over some more. �Yeah, I guess you did. So I take it you�re not feeling any better then?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, still staring at that damn cotton candy. �Why are you eating that stuff? You know its pure sugar.�  
  
  
  
�I know�whoever came up with this stuff is a pure genius.�  
  
  
  
�He probably doesn�t have any teeth either.�  
  
  
  
He laughed and reached over me to grab for the remote. I forgot how grabby Nickolas was, I swear it kind of was like being around a child. So I treated him like one and slapped his hand when he reached over me.  
  
  
  
�Ow! Why the hell did you do that?� He pulled away quickly and nursed the hand as if I had just stabbed him.  
  
  
  
�Quit with the dramatics Nick, don�t be so grabby I was watching the TV before you even came in here.�  
  
  
  
�That hurt!�  
  
  
  
�I slapped you.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I know but I burnt myself earlier and then cut myself at the beach.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
He held his hand out to me and sure enough, he had a blister and a huge cute on his hand. The same one I slapped. �Nick, what in the hell? Do we have to put protective mittens on you before you venture out into the real world next time? Did you even put ice on that cut or disinfect it?�  
  
  
  
�I just got back Kevin��  
  
  
  
�I know but still�� I sighed and decided to stop; I was doing it again, being a nag.  
  
  
  
He stood up while messaging his �boo boo� and walked over to the fridge.  
  
  
  
�Where�s Howie?�  
  
  
  
�In his room, he was afraid I�d get him sick.�  
  
  
  
�Are Rok and Bone back yet?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, �Nope, probably soon though.�  
  
  
  
�What are we doing for dinner? Do we know yet?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not going anywhere that much I know. It�s probably going to be a fend for yourself night.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� I watched him as he squatted down and searched the contents of the fridge, what he was looking for I have no idea.  
  
  
  
�What are you looking for?�  
  
  
  
�Ice.�  
  
  
  
�In the fridge?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, where else would ice be?�  
  
  
  
�How about a freezer dumbass!� I had to, I couldn�t help it.  
  
  
  
�Right, stupid me.�  
  
  
  
�There�s an ice dispenser down the hall.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and grabbed the ice bucket, �I�ll be right back, you need anything while I�m gone?�  
  
  
  
�Do I need anything at the end of the hall you mean?�  
  
  
  
�I was being nice�forget I even asked.� He was right; I was being a jerk to him. I always did that. It was just easier to take out my anger on him than anyone else, for as long as I�ve known him.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry Nicky�I�m just sick and grouchy.�  
  
  
  
�That�s okay.�  
  
  
  
�Actually if they have a vending machine, I�d love a can of orange juice.�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing.� He smiled at me as he walked out the door.  
  
  
  
I decided to sit up and when I did I moaned like I was an 80 year old. My glands felt like they were swelling on the spot and suddenly I needed to cough. �I hate being sick!� I muttered to myself as AJ and Brian walked in the door.  
  
  
  
�You sure do talk to yourself a lot Kev.� Brian quipped.  
  
  
  
�I�m sick.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry cousin.�  
  
  
  
�That�s okay, not your fault.�  
  
  
  
�Where�s Nick? Is he back yet?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, he�s getting ice.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, we didn�t see him when we came up.�  
  
  
  
�He probably went the wrong way knowing Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah because Lord knows I can�t do anything right.� Nick said a little overdramatically as he threw my can of juice at me.  
  
  
  
�Oh relax I was only joking.�  
  
  
  
�Hey Nick, I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner just you and I?� The look on Nick�s face was priceless and I couldn�t help but smile. It was as if Brian had just told him he had won the lottery or to make it more Nick like, it was as if he had found the golden ticket.  
  
  
  
�Sure, that would be awesome Brian.� AJ and I looked at each and smiled, sometimes the kid was too cute. Of course I would never be caught dead saying that out loud.  
  
  
  
But I digress�  
  
  
  
Getting back to my pounding head, swelling glands and aching ear, I was miserable. Have I mentioned that I hate being sick?  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

****

**13  
  
  
  
Back in the days of Frick and Frack�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Shortly before I got out of rehab, I remember Brian coming to visit me unexpectedly. He sat down beside me, looked me in the eyes and told me how proud he was of me for making such a difficult decision. I could have taken the chicken way out, but I didn�t and for that reason, he would forever consider me one of his heroes.  
  
  
  
I can�t even count the number of times I cried thinking back to that conversation, the way I felt after he left. I called Sarah and balled my eyes out saying that I was so grateful to have people like her and him in my life and even though Sarah is long out of my life, although not really as out of my life as everyone seems to think, Brian has and always will remain.  
  
  
  
Sarah and I still talk occasionally, a lot more frequently than we used to. Sometimes she calls, using one of the dogs as an excuse, asking me a dumb question like when was the last time they went to the vet. I know it�s because she misses me and maybe wants to get back together with me. Don�t think I haven�t contemplated that idea either but at the end of the day, I know we are history. Two people who used to love each other but now know that some things just aren�t meant to be.  
  
  
  
Getting back to Brian though, it was after that unexpected visit while I was away, that my relationship with him grew. We had always been close Bri and I but after that, I just knew that he was the one I could go to for advice. I�m not sure when it happened exactly but I could tell that I had become his new Frack and even though I should have felt guilty about it, I wasn�t. I was grateful actually.  
  
  
  
My friendship with all the guys grew as a result of my sobriety in general; it�s funny what happens when you aren�t stoned out of your mind. I sat in his bedroom as he got ready for his hot date and smiled about how much thought he was putting into things. I wasn�t sure if I should make fun of him for this or not, but after awhile I couldn�t resist.  
  
  
  
�Wow you are really going all out for the cute blonde aren�t you? How come you never put so much thought into what you are wearing when we go out?�  
  
  
  
Just as I knew he would, he smiled at me as he carefully folded a pair of his jeans and returned them to his suitcase. I need to unpack my suitcase; maybe I�ll do that tonight since I have nothing better to do.  
  
  
  
�AJ you really need to stop being the jealous girlfriend, it�s so unbecoming of you.� Brian had the worst gay man�s voice I have ever heard. Maybe it was the twang but Brian playing gay was never believable.  
  
  
  
�I�m not jealous, besides there�s always Howie.� Brian laughed at that.  
  
  
  
�You should come with us.� He said now looking for the perfect pair of shoes to wear on his play date with Carter.  
  
  
  
I have thought about this since Brian first extended the invitation; I have to admit I was a little jealous but more nervous, because Brian was the one that was going to keep me on the straight and narrow. Not that they all wouldn�t help with that, but� I don�t know what I�m even saying anymore.  
  
  
  
�Nah, it�s okay. I think Nick wants you all to himself.�  
  
  
  
My GOD we really did sound gay didn�t we?  
  
  
  
�I don�t know about that J, maybe back in the day but not so much now. Now it seems like we never have very much to say to each other.�  
  
  
  
�True but we�ve only been back for 2 days now Rok. Remember any good relationship has to grow.�  
  
  
  
�So what do you plan on doing tonight then?� He asked finally finding the shoes he was looking for and placing them on his feet.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to unpack and then maybe rent a movie or something.�  
  
  
  
�Porn?�  
  
  
  
�Would that make you stay with me cutie pie?� Now when it came to the gay voice, I ruled, although not sure why I�m bragging about that.  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I have a date.� He winked at me and then opened his door. I followed him out into the main room where Kevin was still lying on the couch looking half dead.  
  
  
  
�God Kev, why don�t you go to bed? You look like hell!�  
  
  
  
He looked up at me and coughed, �I don�t like lying in bed all day.�  
  
  
  
�But you are lying on the couch, what�s the difference?�  
  
  
  
�If I go to bed now, I won�t be able to sleep. I�m not sure why that happens but it just does. Why? Does my couch sitting bother you?�  
  
  
  
�Only if you get my ass sick it will.�  
  
  
  
�Where are you going?� He asked his cousin once he saw how nicely dressed he was.  
  
  
  
�Brian has a hot date with a blonde.�  
  
  
  
Kevin sat up making room for me to sit next to him, �Leigh is in town?� The way he said that was a mixture of confusion and annoyance, I hope that Brian didn�t pick up on that.  
  
  
  
�No, he meant Nick. We are hanging out tonight remember?�  
  
  
  
�Oh, yeah, that�s right.� He seemed genuinely excited about that for some reason, I think he realized just like I did, how important Brian was to Nick.  
  
  
  
�That means you have to entertain me all night Kevin.� He rolled his eyes at me.  
  
  
  
�Rent porn and leave me alone.�  
  
  
  
�Why does everyone automatically assume I�m going to rent porn?�  
  
  
  
�Uh, because it�s you.�  
  
  
  
�Oh...right.�  
  
  
  
�You could always go out in that gorgeous ride of yours and attempt to pick up some hot chicks.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up B!� Curses to that stupid van, on my list of things to do tomorrow is to get rid of that thing once and for all and did I just say curses?  
  
  
  
Nick came out of the bathroom a few seconds after the unnecessary automobile taunting and smiled at the three of us. �Are you just about ready Nick?�  
  
  
  
The blonde nodded and placed his hotel key in his pocket, on a side note, I can�t believe Paris wanted his ass. �Let�s go.�  
  
  
  
�You boys have a good time and don�t stay out too late!� I kidded as I winked at Brian and blew him a kiss.  
  
  
  
Once they left, I turned to Kevin who had once again managed to lie down on the couch, thus hogging the entire thing, and said �So, you want to order a pizza?�  
  
  
  
�I won�t be able to taste it.�  
  
  
  
�Good, more for me then.� He shook his head at me as I reached over him and ordered us some dinner.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
A few days before I left my family behind, my wife found an old article from some teeny bopper magazine and felt compelled to show it to me. I was never big on keeping stuff like that but Leigh insisted. She said one day when this is all over, I�ll want to look back on it all. It was an interview that Nick and I did talking about our friendship. There was the silliest picture ever on there of us in those stupid Frick and Frack hats. I pretended to be disinterested but once she had walked away to tend to laundry, I read the entire thing and couldn�t help but smile. I almost called him that night, just because that article had brought back so many memories for me. We really were inseparable back then. He was so small; I can�t believe how small he was.  
  
  
  
I looked over at him as we rode the elevator down to the lobby; I really have watched this kid grow. Not that I could call him a kid anymore, I mean he was already in his early twenties.  
  
  
  
�You are staring at me.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I was just thinking.�  
  
  
  
�About what?�  
  
  
  
�How small you were when I first met you.�  
  
  
  
He smirked and nodded, �Yup,� Was all he said.  
  
  
  
�So where are we going Nick? Do you have any idea?�  
  
  
  
�No, I thought you did.�  
  
  
  
�Nope.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe we can hit an Italian place? I�m kind of in the mood for Pasta.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin would not be happy. He is on this no carbs for the Backstreet Boys kick.�  
  
  
  
�Exactly why I want some I think.� I nodded, of course that�s why he would want some, it made perfect sense.  
  
  
  
We decided on a small out of the way Italian place called Giorgio�s. We sat down in a booth in the back of the place and once again that uncomfortable feeling crept up on me. I never felt like that with Nick, in fact back in the day I used to feel SO comfortable with him, it was as if we were sharing the same skin. He kept his head buried in his menu, I could tell it was because he was probably feeling the same way as I was. That made me sad.  
  
  
  
�So how�s the family?� He asked me looking over my way and smiling.  
  
  
  
�They are good�Bay has been sick but luckily he�s better now. I miss them.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure you do. You haven�t been away from them much have you?�  
  
  
  
�Not really, no.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and once again looked down into his menu, �So�what about you? What have you been up to?�  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me, �Just been keeping busy I guess� nothing too important.�  
  
  
  
�What about the family?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I don�t really talk to them much anymore, the kids are fine though.�  
  
  
  
�Good.�  
  
  
  
He searched the room for our waiter and I admit I was doing the same thing. Once we had food in front of us, things would get better.  
  
  
  
�So how was golfing? Did AJ beat you again?�  
  
  
  
�No actually this time I kicked his ass!�  
  
  
  
�Did he cry like a big baby?�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he is now.�  
  
  
  
The waiter came and took our order; of course we both got carbs galore and couldn�t help but snicker about it as the guy walked away. �So�you said you wanted to talk to me about something?� He sounded hesitant when he asked me that, I could tell that maybe he really didn�t want to know. Back in the days of Frick and Frack, there was never a time when he would have been afraid of something that was going to come out of my mouth.  
  
  
  
�It was nothing major; I just wanted to say that�well�� What did I want to say exactly? He kept looking over at me while biting on his bottom lip. �Just that the other day�� And those words made his head go down to the table.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry about all of that Brian. I made an ass out of myself. I really didn�t mean to get drunk. Sometimes I�m just young and stupid you know what I mean?�  
  
  
  
�Wow that would be a great line to a song.�  
  
  
  
�You think?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�We�ll have to remember that�anyway I�m sorry.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to apologize to me Nick, all I was going to say was I don�t hate you. Remember you asked us if we hated you or not?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�And I didn�t answer you, I was mad I guess but you know I don�t hate you right?�  
  
  
  
He paused and thought about it, at least to me that�s what it looked like he was doing. Once again that saddened me because maybe Howie was right after all. How could he possibly think I hated him?  
  
  
  
Finally he smiled at me, �I know you don�t hate me Bri�sometimes I just wish that�never mind.�  
  
  
  
�You know what I found the other day?�  
  
  
  
He seemed grateful for the change in subject as he grabbed a forkful of his pasta and put it into his mouth. �What?�  
  
  
  
�An old article we did for a magazine. Just the two of us�God we were such goofs back then.�  
  
  
  
�What did it say?�  
  
  
  
�We talked about our damn Mario Cart competition, remember that?�  
  
  
  
For the first time since we sat down together I saw that familiar light in his eyes. �Oh my God yes! Hey I�m still the champ aren�t I?�  
  
  
  
�That is unimportant.�  
  
  
  
�I guess that�s a big old yes then huh?�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him and purposely didn�t answer his question, �And they asked us questions about each other and I said you were afraid of the dark.�  
  
  
  
�You were always so willing to tell everyone and their mother about that.�  
  
  
  
�Well you WERE!�  
  
  
  
�I was young.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but still.�  
  
  
  
�What else did it say?� I wish I had brought it with me; it would have been a fun thing to read together.  
  
  
  
�They asked you who would be an ideal woman for me and you said��  
  
  
  
�Someone just like me, right?�  
  
  
  
�Yes!�  
  
  
  
�I remember that actually.� He giggled.  
  
  
  
�It was a cute little interview, I�m glad I held onto it.� For me, the best part of that one was how he said I had the biggest impact on his life. He looked up to me the most, now staring at him fiddling around with his Sidekick, I wanted to go over and hug him. I�m such a sap�or a dad, maybe a little of both.  
  
  
  
�Those were good times Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Yes, they were and you know I�d still like to reclaim the Mario Cart crown.�  
  
  
  
�It�ll never happen my man but you can certainly try.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe later tonight after I talk to Leigh and Bay.�  
  
  
  
�Actually, I am meeting up with some friends after we eat.�  
  
  
  
�You are?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, we are hitting a club or two.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, well another time then. It�s not like we are never going to see each other again.� He laughed, but I suddenly felt uneasy again.  
  
  
  
The rest of our dinner was quiet and calm, with occasional bursts of memory here and there. As we got up to leave he insisted on paying for us, because I paid the night before. We hugged each other and then he took off to meet up with his friends as I headed back to the hotel.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why I told Brian I was meeting up with friends. Truth was I had absolutely no plans whatsoever, just for some reason, I felt the need to shut him out. I didn�t want him seeing how depressed I was feeling with every memory we spoke about the good old days because frankly, I�m not sure why the good old days ever ended.  
  
  
  
He seemed just as uncomfortable as I felt though, so I bet he was kind of grateful for the reprieve. But now that left me having to find something to entertain myself with for the rest of the night. I tried to think of people I could call who were in town and ironically enough I kept coming up blank. I know LA is a big place and you�d think I�d have so many people here but really, no. Most of my friends, party buddies and �ladies� were in Tampa. I only knew a few people I could call on around here and all of them would end up getting me into trouble, so I just kind of roamed around for a while. Walking around the streets, hands in my pockets, thinking.  
  
  
  
I hated when I got in these moods, it happened a lot back when I was a kid. It seemed more acceptable back then though, now it just seems like maybe I need antidepressants. �Or to get laid.� I said out loud like I so often do at inopportune moments.  
  
  
  
�Damn straight!� I turned around to see an old, drunk man with no teeth following me around. �I needs me a woman too.� Oookay.  
  
  
  
I smiled at him and kept on walking, and of course as my luck would have it, he kept following me. I felt like Shrek being tailed by an annoying talking donkey.  
  
  
  
�So where are we going?�  
  
  
  
�Pardon?�  
  
  
  
�To get laid? Where are we going?�  
  
  
  
Only me, I swear to God. �Well, I�m going this way�I bet you�ll find some great ladies that way.� I said making sure to point in the other direction. The smell of urine on him was so strong I was almost gagging.  
  
  
  
�Spare some change?� I reached in my pocket and gave him a $5, to which he grabbed me in a hug.  
  
  
  
�Bless you my boy! Good luck with your woman.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� How odd, I thought as he grabbed my ass. I was just violated by an old, drunk, crazy person.  
  
  
  
I kept walking, hoping that I wouldn�t find my little friend following me around still and sighed with relief as I sat on a bench, all alone. Crossing my legs, I decided now would be a good time to smoke, since it was safe that no one would be sneaking up on me and as I went into my pocket to grab my pack I went for that number instead. The one that belonged to Paris Hilton, I briefly thought about calling her right there, sitting on a random city bench.  
  
  
  
�Why the hell not, right? It�s only one date. You only live once Carter.� I convinced myself as I picked up the phone and dialed the number.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Stop whining! You act like you�ve never been sick before. Goodness Kevin, I hope you aren�t whining to the boys that much.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not whining Kris, I don�t feel good.� She laughed at me.  
  
  
  
�Oh really? I hadn�t noticed.�  
  
  
  
I could picture her sitting there on the couch with her arm under her head smiling at the phone as she said that. �I only whine to you baby, because I know you love it.�  
  
  
  
�Oh Kevin, please don�t attempt to do the phone sex thing again.� Now she was really playing with me. I love her, I miss her. �So did all the guys leave you alone to wallow in your misery?�  
  
  
  
�No, actually AJ and Howie have been keeping me company but they just went off to do their own things.�  
  
  
  
�Oh so you called me out of boredom then?�  
  
  
  
�Naturally.�  
  
  
  
�And here I was thinking you called me because you missed me, stupid me.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah Kris, you�re a real bonehead.�  
  
  
  
�I know what you are, but what am I?�  
  
  
  
�A bonehead.�  
  
  
  
�Shut it you!� I smiled; she made me instantly feel better. �So are you going to go to the doctor?�  
  
  
  
�Nah, it�s only a cold. If I�m not feeling better in a couple of days then I�ll go.�  
  
  
  
�Well you rest and drink plenty of fluids.�  
  
  
  
�I will�� The door opened and in came Brian all alone. �I�m going to let you go Kris. I love you.�  
  
  
  
�Love you too; I�ll call to check on you tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�Feeling any better?� My cousin asked as he made his way in and sat down beside me, �I think soon this couch is going to have your ass groove in it.�  
  
  
  
�I�m still feeling like crap, but I needed the rest. Where�s Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Out clubbing with some friends.�  
  
  
  
�What friends?�  
  
  
  
That made Brian laugh, �You act like the kid has no friends. I don�t know he just said he was meeting up with friends.�  
  
  
  
�Ugh, I hope that annoying Bean guy isn�t here.�  
  
  
  
�Me too.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t like a lot of his �friends�.�  
  
  
  
�I know Kevin. I don�t either, but he�s a grown boy, he can hang out with who he chooses to I guess.�  
  
  
  
I sighed and placed my feet on the coffee table, �Yeah, You�re right�so how did it go?�  
  
  
  
�We had a good time. Ate some Italian food.�  
  
  
  
�Nice.�  
  
  
  
�What about you?�  
  
  
  
�Just hung with D and AJ. Ate pizza watched television, nothing exciting.�  
  
  
  
�Where are D and Bone?�  
  
  
  
�In their rooms, which is where I think I�m finally heading.� On that note, I stood up to take my stuffy, miserable self to bed.  
  
  
  
�Nighty night cousin, feel better.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.�  
  
  
  
�I�m going to go call my wife now.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at Brian as I made my way to my room, hoping that tomorrow morning I wasn�t going to wake up feeling worse than I was now, including worrying if I was going to have a Nick headache to contend with.  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**14  
  
  
  
How to be a Teen Idol 101�the refresher course!**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I was up bright and early the next morning, since I couldn�t sleep at all. Whenever I got into a comfortable position on the bed I found myself suddenly having to cough up a lung or two. Don�t you hate it when that happens? So, I was up before the sunrise just sitting there sipping on some hot tea and minding my own business when I heard talking coming from the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Curiosity got the best of me so I ventured over to eavesdrop, sure as anything it was Nick or maybe AJ because those two would be the only ones who readily talk to themselves always OR would have someone in the shower with them. Sure enough, I was wrong. It was Howie and of course he was on the phone. At 5 o�clock in the morning.  
  
  
  
Shortly after I figured out it was him he came out of the bathroom and almost jumped a mile when he saw me standing out there. �You scared me to death. I didn�t think anyone would be awake.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I couldn�t sleep�what were you doing on the phone?� okay I knew it was none of my business but when people talked this early in the morning, in my book that was never a good sign.  
  
  
  
�I was talking to one of our investors.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, this early?�  
  
  
  
�It�s not early in Singapore, that�s where he is.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, is this the guy who John talked to yesterday?�  
  
  
  
�No, it�s his partner. I figure if I sweet talk him, he�ll get the other guy to change his mind.�  
  
  
  
�So, I take it that meeting didn�t go well then huh?� Howie shook his head as he let out a yawn.  
  
  
  
�Sorry.�  
  
  
  
�Its business, we�ll manage.�  
  
  
  
I felt kind of dumb, not realizing how heavily Howie was actually into this side business of his. I guess I should have known because at one point he had asked me to go in as a partner on a hotel with him, but at the time I thought it was just going to be a phase. I turned him down, deciding instead to open up a studio of my own in Boston. I kind of wish I had said yes now.  
  
  
  
�What time do we have to be there today?�  
  
  
  
�9 I think.� I sat back down at the table and stared out at the sky as it gradually turned brighter.  
  
  
  
�And what time is it now?� He looked as if he was dreading the answer.  
  
  
  
�Almost 6.�  
  
  
  
�I guess it would be dumb to go back to bed then, I know I�ll never wake myself up.� I nodded at him. He was right; Howie was probably the hardest person to wake up ever. He loved sleeping and did it well. �So how are you feeling? Still crappy?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I can barely breathe but it�s just a cold I think.�  
  
  
  
�You should go to the doctor.�  
  
  
  
�I will if I�m still feeling like this by tomorrow. I tend to get over things pretty quickly.�  
  
  
  
He nodded only half listening to me, it looked like he had something on his mind, he seemed distracted. �Howie, is everything all right?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, why do you ask?�  
  
  
  
�You just seem down or something.�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m just�it�s hard getting back into the routine you know? I mean, we aren�t getting any younger. I�m already feeling wiped and we haven�t even done anything and you�re already sick.�  
  
  
  
�I know� it�s going to be a lot harder than it was a few years ago I think.�  
  
  
  
�We are all so out of shape.� I laughed at that, he was right. All of us managed to grow bigger guts while having less hair.  
  
  
  
�Yeah we have to go back to How to be a teen idol 101, the refresher course.� I laughed a little too hard and started coughing which only made the two of us laugh even harder.  
  
  
  
�I think by the time we tour, we�ll be in shape.� I finally said after our laughing had died down.  
  
  
  
�What time should we wake the rest of the gang?�  
  
  
  
I looked at Howie and shrugged, �Maybe 7:30 or so? I mean if we all have to hop in a shower etc� although I may take mine now.� I figured why not? No time like the present, and this way I wouldn�t be rushed.  
  
  
  
�That�s a great idea, wish I had thought of it first.� Howie kidded as he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. �Hey Kev, how long do we have this suite for?�  
  
  
  
Now that was a good question, �I think we have it for at least two weeks, but I�m not positive. Why?�  
  
  
  
�Just wasn�t sure when I needed to start looking for a place of my own. Not that I don�t love living in a hotel and all but�well you know.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� And I did, funny I hadn�t even thought of that, but now that Howie had said it, it made sense. I�d have to call Kris later and talk about the idea of getting our own place out here.  
  
  
  
�Okay I�m off to shower.�  
  
  
  
�Later.� He said waving at me while going for the couch and putting on the television.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I was so tired; I knew that would happen to me. I guess if we had a few quiet moments in the studio, I could grab a couch and lay down. That was one thing everyone envied me for, the ability I had to fall asleep no matter where we were.  
  
  
  
I like my sleep, my mother even said as a baby, I would sleep all night long. Just another of many reasons why I�m her favorite I�m sure. The sound of whistling caused me to look up just as Brian came skipping into the room. Yes I did say skipping and no, I wasn�t just saying that either. He was actually skipping. He is so strange.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think you�d be up this early.� He said energetically walking over towards me and plopping down on the couch.  
  
  
  
�When did you become a morning person Brian?�  
  
  
  
�When I became a daddy, it kind of just happened.� I nodded at him and smiled. It was SO weird picturing this huge doofus as a father. I�m not saying that to sound mean but this is the guy that convinced Nick to poop in a sock!  
  
  
  
�Did you teach him how to play basketball yet?� I felt bad because I haven�t even really met this child yet. Here we are supposedly so close we call ourselves brothers but I couldn�t even tell you what Baylee looked like besides seeing a picture here or there of him.  
  
  
  
�We�re working on it. He needs to be able to walk without falling over his feet first.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I need to work at that as well.�  
  
  
  
He reached over and ruffled my hair, �you are one funny guy Howie D!�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Brian, I�ll be here all week!� He shook his head at me and bit at his bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�Oh and you�ll be happy to know I finally told Nick that I didn�t hate him.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, how did that go last night? Did you guys have a good time?�  
  
  
  
�It was weird, but good. Anyway he seemed a little relieved when I said that so I guess you were right� oh smart one.�  
  
  
  
�Did you even doubt that I�d be right?� Even though in this case I was hoping I wasn�t.  
  
  
  
�Who�s in the shower?�  
  
  
  
�Your cousin.�  
  
  
  
�Wow we are all getting up earlier these days aren�t we? Ugh, we are really getting old. Soon we�ll be going to bed at 7 and waking up at 4.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him, �Yeah that�s kind of what Kevin and I were saying.�  
  
  
  
�Can I let you in on a secret Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Surely what is it?�  
  
  
  
�I�m balding I think!�  
  
  
  
I turned to look at him, �What makes you say that?�  
  
  
  
�My hair has been falling out. How can I be a balding pop star?�  
  
  
  
�Seems to work for AJ.�  
  
  
  
�That was cruel Howie! And everyone thinks you are so nice.�  
  
  
  
�Correction Brian�� I said standing up now that I heard the bathroom door open, �Everyone seems to think that WE are so nice. You and I, although we know differently don�t we?�  
  
  
  
�Yes we do!� He let out a very cruel sounding muahhahaha type laugh.  
  
  
  
�I�m off to shower before Nick and AJ wake up.�  
  
  
  
�Good idea, I should have thought about that.�  
  
  
  
�Beat you to it Brian. See ya soon.� I saluted him and left for the bathroom which was hot and steamy. Apparently Kevin has never heard of the exhaust fan or heat lamp before.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I found myself watching the Wiggles just out of habit. People thought we were strange, my GOD, we were nothing compared to these guys. My son loved them though so we just kind of got into the habit of watching them as we ate breakfast, me my cereal in soy milk and him a waffle only one with absolutely no syrup. My child was not big on condiments, well besides ketchup which he insisted we put on his bologna.  
  
  
  
I sighed as the purple guy started singing; yes they were only colors to me, when I started learning their names we were all in trouble.  
  
  
  
�Rok what in the name of all that�s holy are you watching?�  
  
  
  
�Morning J.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, so what is this? Do you have any idea how weird it is to wake up and have the first image you see be a dancing and singing octopus while being totally sober?�  
  
  
  
�It�s the Wiggles.� I laughed and shook my head at him.  
  
  
  
�And why would you be watching them?�  
  
  
  
�Because it�s just what I do.�  
  
  
  
�And that doesn�t make you�.a little weird?�  
  
  
  
�I never said I was normal, I mean how normal can one be if they are friends with you?�  
  
  
  
He sat down next to me and yawned, �Good point.�  
  
  
  
For a guy who was making fun of the Wiggles a second ago he suddenly seemed entranced and I kind of wish I had a picture there as proof of it. His mouth was wide opened as he stared at the screen in awe. �I wonder if Kevin brought his camcorder.�  
  
  
  
�I haven�t seen it but I think Nick brought one.�  
  
  
  
�Really?� Seemed like everything concerning Nick took me by surprise these days.  
  
�Yeah, I�m pretty sure I saw one lying on the floor in his disaster of a room.�  
  
  
  
�Oh like your room isn�t a disaster AJ?�  
  
  
  
�It�s neater than his.�  
  
  
  
�My son�s is neater than his.� AJ snickered as he finally took his eyes away from the screen. I decided to flip the channel because all we needed was Nick to wake up and become hypnotized by the Wiggles, we�d never get him to the studio.  
  
  
  
�Aww!�  
  
  
  
I laughed at AJ, �Sorry...you know they are on at this time every day AJ, maybe tomorrow we�ll watch it together.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t plan on being up this early ever again Rok!�  
  
  
  
�I�m surprised you woke up on your own.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, Kevin coughing like a bitch woke me up.�  
  
  
  
�You know that didn�t even make any sense. Kevin coughing like a bitch?�  
  
  
  
�Just trying to get my point across Littrell.�  
  
  
  
�The point being you hardly make any sense?� I love picking on AJ, he�s so easy to pick on.  
  
  
  
�Oh, what the hell ever. Do we have any coffee in this place?�  
  
  
  
�I just ordered us some.�  
  
  
  
�You are a smart little elf.�  
  
  
  
�Little elf?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Ooookay�� I shook my head at my odd little bald friend.  
  
  
  
�Who�s in the shower?�  
  
  
  
�Howie and yay! I just heard him get out! My turn!�  
  
  
  
�Have fun, but not too much fun�without me anyway. You already cheated on me once.�  
  
  
  
�I told you to stop being a jealous girlfriend Alexander!� I winked at him and pat his leg as I ventured towards the bathroom which was more like a sauna.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I waited until I heard the water go on before I took the remote and turned the Wiggles back on. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to be watching considering it was early as my aunt Tessa�s ass. Wow Rok was right, I don�t make any sense.  
  
  
  
�What are you watching AJ?� I turned to the sound of one wet Kevin and quickly shrugged.  
  
  
  
�No idea, Brian was watching it.�  
  
  
  
�Well change it; I want to see the news.�  
  
  
  
�The news is so boring Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Yes boring and informative, now change it please.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, I forgot how bossy you are, by the way, how are you feeling? Your coughing woke me up this morning. Can you cough any quieter?�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, my near dying was such an inconvenience to you, next time I�ll make sure I smother myself in my pillow is that better?�  
  
  
  
�Much� thanks.� He gave me the finger and then took the remote. I guess my channel changing wasn�t fast enough for him.  
  
  
  
�Who wants to go wake Nick up?�  
  
  
  
�Well gee Kev, since you and I are the only ones in this room right now I say you!�  
  
  
  
�I�m not doing it, you do it.�  
  
  
  
�No way Jos�! Howie will do it!�  
  
  
  
�What will I do?�  
  
  
  
�We have elected you to go wake up Mr. Carter.�  
  
  
  
�What time did he get in last night anyway?� Kevin asked me, like I was up and waiting for the kid.  
  
  
  
�No clue, but he was quiet. I barely heard him although who could hear anything but your hacking cough?�  
  
  
  
�Ha-ha enough with the cough already!�  
  
  
  
�Wow someone isn�t in a very good mood huh?� I whispered that to Howie who smiled at me in return. I think collectively we all hated when Kevin was sick because when he was ill, we all suffered for it. Kris owed us big for taking him away from her just in time for him to catch Sars or whatever it was he had.  
  
  
  
�What time is it?� Howie asked, dreading the wake up call he had to make.  
  
  
  
�It�s almost 8.�  
  
  
  
�Damn, okay.� He sighed and left for Nick�s room.  
  
  
  
�I am not going to sound very good today with this cold.� Kevin opened a jar of honey that Brian ordered for him and just held it over his mouth as he let it slide down his throat.  
  
  
  
�That�s one way to do it I guess.� Room service had come just as Brian left for the shower and I took it upon myself to drink the first cup of coffee. I never was a big coffee drinker until I started AA. Now I drink it like water, which probably isn�t very good but when people start nagging on me about it, I�ll just light up a cigarette and then all is forgotten.  
  
  
  
A knock on the door had us all look up at the same time, well Kevin, and I. �Are we expecting anyone?� I asked, it was so funny because the way we were acting, you�d think death was on the other side waiting for us.  
  
  
  
�Let me in please!� I walked over to the door and let Nick in. He was carrying a huge cup of coffee and was wearing the same clothes he left in the night before. His eyes were all red and his hair was all over the place. He basically looked like Nick.  
  
  
  
�Good morning everyone.� He also was a bit hoarse.  
  
  
  
�Are you just getting home now?� Kevin said eyeing Nick up and down as he sipped on his coffee.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but I�m not late am I?�  
  
  
  
�Well no but�we are going to be leaving in a few minutes.� Kevin replied sounding like he wanted to yell at the kid but knowing he couldn�t because he wasn�t a kid anymore.  
  
  
  
�Okay, let me just pee and change, I�ll be right back.�  
  
  
  
�Hurry, we�re leaving in ten minutes with or without you.�  
  
  
  
�Did he just get in?� Brian asked as Nick ran past him and headed for the bathroom.  
  
  
  
�Yup.� I answered smiling.  
  
  
  
�Wow, seems like not all of us need that how to be pop star course.� Howie said as he entered into the main room, realizing that Nick wasn�t in his room just as we did.  
  
  
  
In about ten minutes flat, Nick walked out into the main room, wearing a different outfit and his hair all wet. He probably shoved his head under cold water. I have done that trick many many times myself.  
  
  
  
As we were just about to head out the door he looked over at me and smirked, I read so much in that smile. That was a �boy do I have a story to tell you� smile. Instantly I knew he was with a girl last night and not just any girl either. I mouthed the word Paris and was greeted with a nod.  
  
  
  
Oh this is indeed going to be interesting I thought to myself just as Kevin rushed us all out the door.  
  



	15. Chapter 15

****

**15  
  
  
  
One Night with Paris**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I think I�m in love. I mean I know I tend to jump the gun with these things but man, this is different, I can tell. I have that tingly feeling in my butt, it sounds strange and I would never openly say something like that to anyone, but when I know I have just found the perfect person for me whether it is a new friend or Mrs. Right, my butt gets all tingly like it�s fallen asleep.  
  
  
  
Boy was my butt tingling up a storm last night, from the second we started talking on the phone we just hit it off. I didn�t even feel uncomfortable like the way I usually do when I first meet a girl, especially a famous one. She just had this way of making me feel instantly at ease.  
  
  
  
We talked for about an hour before she invited me out to a club with her and some of her friends. I should have gone back to the hotel to change at least because I wasn�t really dressed for club hopping but when she saw me she said I looked perfect just the way I was.  
  
  
  
She had the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, I mean seriously her smile can make me melt.  
  
  
  
�Heeheehee�  
  
  
  
�What the hell?� I closed my eyes, my GOD did I just giggle like a little girl?  
  
  
  
�Nick why are you giggling like a little girl?� Okay Kevin just answered my question.  
  
  
  
�Sorry, just thinking of something humorous.�  
  
  
  
�Well unless you are going to let us all know, shut the heck up, I�m trying to listen to Brian.�  
  
  
  
We were sitting in the control room as Brian started singing the song Money. We decided to just sing a few covers to get us started, try to bring our levels to where they were before our break yada yada yada.  
  
  
  
Anyway�  
  
  
  
So at the club we kind of just sat down and looked into each others eyes and there was something there. It�s so hard to explain, but I felt like I have known this girl forever! We didn�t even have to say very much to each other, all we did was smile knowingly. Then she grabbed my hand and we danced. It was like everything just disappeared and it was only the two of us. The club was packed, even the VIP area we were in, but yet as she whispered into my ear, it was as if we were alone in the room.  
  
  
  
�I like you.� She said to me as she licked my neck and gave me goose bumps.  
  
  
  
She likes me! She really really likes ME!  
  
  
  
�Nick?� I looked over at AJ who was laughing at me I�m pretty sure.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�What the hell has gotten into you?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�You look like you�re either drunk off your ass or insane.�  
  
  
  
I looked at Kevin and Howie who were both very focused on what Brian was doing and then grabbed AJ�s arm and walked out of the room. �I think I�m in love AJ!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Paris and I went out last night, I called her like you said I should and we went to a club and hit it off.�  
  
  
  
�Wow man, I have to admit I never thought you�d actually have the balls to call her.�  
  
  
  
�AJ she is the most magnificent woman I have ever met. Just everything about her is perfect!�  
  
  
  
�Wow dude, you�ve got it bad.� He smiled; I could tell this was amusing him greatly.  
  
  
  
�This is the real thing AJ, I can tell.�  
  
  
  
�Slow down there buckaroo, you just met her.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but there was this weird chemistry there. Anyway I�m seeing her again tonight. We are doing dinner, the whole nine yards this time.�  
  
  
  
�I�m happy for you man, just take things slow okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, okay.�  
  
  
  
I sighed and smiled just thinking back to last night. We talked, we danced, we kissed, we�well we did it all and let�s leave it at that. Kevin walked out of the room and sneered at us, �You are up next Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Okay.� I walked over to him and grabbed him into a huge hug as I walked past him and into the booth.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I am worried about Nick. I think he may be doing drugs or something. His behavior today has been so odd, not that it isn�t always a tad bit on the odd side but today he was just weird. I can�t believe he stayed out all night knowing that today was our first day in the studio. A queasy feeling hit my stomach when I realized that maybe my gut was right all along and that he wasn�t going to take this comeback seriously.  
  
  
  
�Kevin!� I was nudged by Howie which caused me to look over his way.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay man? Nick has been trying to get your attention for at least a minute in there.�  
  
  
  
I glanced at the glass where Nick was smiling as he tapped at his headphones so I adjusted the sound in them and he nodded and gave me a thumb�s up. I picked up the microphone, �Okay Nick, try it again.�  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie smokey!�  
  
  
  
Howie laughed, �Sometimes I wonder about that child.�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes?�  
  
  
  
I started plugging the instrumental through the headphones and within seconds Nick was singing. I thought for sure he would sound off due to lack of sleep but actually he sounded pretty amazing, I even had to smile.  
  
  
  
�Wow! He should stay up all night more often.� I nodded at Howie who had this �I�m really impressed� look on his face.  
  
  
  
�How was that?� Nick asked after he was done singing his part.  
  
  
  
�Sounded great Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�Woohoo!� We both laughed at that. The boy was in a great mood but I was curious as to why. Not that I wasn�t happy he was happy but, call me crazy when it came to Nick I worried. Have I mentioned?  
  
  
  
�Wow he is on today isn�t he?� My cousin said from behind me as he took a seat.  
  
  
  
�Yup�� I placed my hand on Howie�s shoulder, �Okay buddy you�re up.�  
  
  
  
�Alrighty.�  
  
  
  
Nick came out of the booth just as Howie was going in. He grabbed a donut and came and sat next to me, whistling the entire time.  
  
  
  
�You seem to be in a very good mood.� I said as once again I began to cough my lungs up.  
  
  
  
�Who wouldn�t be? I mean we are finally back in the studio Kev, right where I�ve been dying to be for months now.� Instantly I felt bad for doubting him.  
  
  
  
�True, but you seem extra giddy.�  
  
  
  
�Eh, I had a great night last night.� He didn�t elaborate and I didn�t ask. We just sat there and listened to Howie sing his parts on the song, as Nick hummed in the background.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I held the headphones up to my ear with one dangling off just like the old days. I hated wearing both phones on my head at once. There was something about being able to hear the emptiness of the room that I liked, because it reminded me of everything I loved about music for some reason.  
  
  
  
Even though I hated this song, I didn�t object to us singing it. What�s funny is they started calling it my theme song for some reason. Trump junior suddenly became my nickname every since my call with my brother. They said soon I�d be a mogul just like the Donald himself and then they could all retire and live off of my money.  
  
  
  
I know it�s sad that it seems like my life suddenly revolves around money considering out of all of us, minus Nick I guess, my family was the poorest of us all. I don�t think Kevin or Brian�s families ever had to worry about money the way that AJ, Nicky�s and mine had too. There were many days we weren�t sure how we were going to pay all our bills and manage to keep a roof over our heads. My father worked as hard as he could but with as many kids that were in my family, it was almost impossible to keep our heads above water so now that I was suddenly able to financially support them all, I just kind of got the knack of working with and understanding money.  
  
  
  
As for that new nickname, I�m not sure I like it that much. Donald Trump is an exceptional business man but when it comes to being a person, I�m not sure if it�s being totally complimentary calling me Trump junior even though I know they mean it in that financial sense.  
  
  
  
My thoughts are all over the place, why is that?  
  
  
  
�Okay Howie are you ready?� Maybe that�s why I am thinking all of these random things because I wasn�t feeling ready. I started rubbing at my sweaty palms, actually I was terrified for some reason.  
  
  
  
�Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Uh�yes, sorry.�  
  
  
  
�Everything okay D?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah,� Don�t mind me just having a mini panic attack.  
  
  
  
�You sure?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Kevin, just go ahead and roll it.�  
  
  
  
I took a few deep breaths and by the time I heard the first few chords I had managed to calm myself down. I looked up through the glass which separated me from the rest of the guys and smiled at them as they listened intently. This is the part that needs to change for me, I need to realize that I have just as much talent as they do but yet whenever we are in the studio I feel like I don�t belong.  
  
  
  
Nick looked over at me and winked so I smiled in return. It�s not like they did anything to make me feel this way, I know it�s more of a �me� thing than a �them� thing but still, I needed to feel differently when it came to this whole process.  
  
  
  
When I was done I took off my headphones and headed back into the booth, �That was awesome Howie!� Nick said giving me a high five.  
  
  
  
�Thanks.�  
  
  
  
�I have a feeling we are just about back!� Brian said with an air of confidence which I wish I had.  
  
  
  
�All riiight!� AJ added before Brian had a chance to.  
  
  
  
�Kevy you�re up next my man.� AJ said booting Kevin from his seat and plopping down taking control of the session.  
  
  
  
�I am going to sound like crap.�  
  
  
  
�You always sound like crap!� He slapped Nick upside the head for saying that but we all laughed.  
  
  
  
I suddenly felt more at ease, things were going to be different this time around, just looking at Nick and AJ taking control of the console was enough for me to realize that. We were really grown up now.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Hey guys, I�m going to go run out and call Leigh real quick. I�ll be back in a few.�  
  
  
  
I glanced over his way and smiled, �Tell her I said hello!�  
  
  
  
�No.�  
  
  
  
�You�re just jealous because she likes me more than you.� I loved playing around with Brian.  
  
  
  
�You wish AJ.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t have to wish, I know.� He shook his head and left the room. Once gone I turned to Nick knowing he would never spill the beans with the Kentucky cousins in the room.  
  
  
  
�So tell me more about Paris.� I asked like I was some 14 year old girl in a locker room wearing braces. Not that I would know if they did those types of things or not. I mean I am assuming they do but then again when you assume it makes a�well you know how the saying goes.  
  
  
  
Howie curiously looked over at Nick when I said that and just for an instant I wasn�t sure if I blabbered to soon, not that if I did I was going to cry or anything. �What do you want to know?� He asked a second later.  
  
  
  
�Just about everything, for one�well is she as hot as she looks?�  
  
  
  
�Hotter!�  
  
  
  
�Excuse me but what the heck are you guys talking about?�  
  
  
  
Nick looked over at Howie with this shit giggly grin, but for some reason I was the one that felt like spilling the news, �He went out with Paris last night.�  
  
  
  
�The Hilton one?�  
  
  
  
�Is there another one I�m unaware of besides the country?� I asked Howie of course to mock him.  
  
  
  
He ignored me and once again addressed Nick, �You are dating Paris Hilton? When did that happen? You didn�t even know her when we went out to eat the other night.�  
  
  
  
�She gave me her number that night so we went out last night.�  
  
  
  
�Is that where you were all night?�  
  
  
  
�What do you think D?� I said rolling my eyes at him.  
  
  
  
�Hello!� We all turned around to see Kevin standing at the door not looking very happy with us.  
  
  
  
�I have been waiting for at least five minutes trying to get your attention. I�m sure whatever you are discussing in here is intriguing but I�d very much like to record this century!�  
  
  
  
�Sorry Kev.� Howie said apologetically.  
  
  
  
�She is the best thing that has ever come into my life guys, seriously.�  
  
  
  
�Paris Hilton?� I tried my hardest not to laugh at Howie�s reaction.  
  
  
  
�Yes D, she is so awesome! She said she can�t wait to meet all of you. Apparently she�s a big fan.�  
  
  
  
Howie gave me that look of concern I was so used to seeing on his face when he felt something was not going to go well. This look was usually followed with those very words, �this is not going to go well at all!� It looked like he wanted to say those words as our happy little blonde headed member bounced around the studio like he was a puppy in heat.  
  
  
  
�So you are going out tonight as well?�  
  
  
  
�Yup�D, Kevin is scowling again.� Nick waved at Kevin and gave him a thumbs up to avoid another angry confrontation.  
  
  
  
�Oh�� Howie quickly sent the music through Kevin�s earphones and adjusted the volume controls as he began to sing.  
  
  
  
�So what did you guys talk about last night?� Howie asked once again. It was as if Kevin had taken possession of his body.  
  
  
  
Nick sat back on the chair and twirled it around actually saying �whee!� as he did it. Good Lord the boy has it bad. �I can�t even tell you D, I mean we talked about all different things. She likes boats and dogs and stuff.� Once again Howie looked over at me and all I could manage was a shrug. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for this conversation.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure she isn�t seeing anybody else? Wasn�t she dating someone else?�  
  
  
  
�Howie relax�you sound like Kevin. She�s single and I�m single, we�re just having fun.�  
  
  
  
�So you guys aren�t really a couple then right?�  
  
  
  
�No way, I mean we just are hanging out.�  
  
  
  
I swear to God that Howie breathed a sigh of relief to which Nick actually giggled when he heard it. �You guys worry too damn much sometimes�now excuse me, I�m going to go check my messages.� He got up, walked over to Howie and licked his cheek and then pat my head as if I was his pet poodle or something.  
  
  
  
�This is not going to go well�� And there is was, ah I am SO good sometimes I scare myself.  
  
  
  
�Howie, you know how the kid gets when he starts seeing someone new.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but this one�I don�t know about this one, does Kevin know?�  
  
  
  
�Hell no!�  
  
  
  
�I hope this is as far as it goes, maybe after the second date they will realize they have nothing in common?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe D but I�m not sure. I mean she seems like a nice enough girl. I mean what could possibly go wrong?�  
  
  
  
He shrugged again just as Brian walked back into the room laughing, �What is going on with Nickolas Gene today?�  
  
  
  
�He took some happy pills.�  
  
  
  
�He is acting like he usually does when he is in love.� Brian said once again attempting his gay voice.  
  
  
  
�Maybe it was you baby!� I lisped at him.  
  
  
  
�The two of you scare me sometimes.� D said while monitoring Kevin who was not looking very happy. Within a few second Nick came bounding into the room once again whistling.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys, will you need me right away?�  
  
  
  
�No, I don�t think so why?�  
  
  
  
�Because I am meeting up with an old friend for some coffee.� He gave Howie and I that grin again.  
  
  
  
�Just be back within the hour okay?� Brian said taking a sip of his own coffee.  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie smokie!� He grabbed Brian in a huge hug and then waved to the two of us.  
  
  
  
�What was that all about?� Rok asked me suspiciously.  
  
  
  
�I have a feeling you wouldn�t want to know B, let�s leave it at that.�  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie smokie!� Howie and I laughed as Brian mocked our little heartthrob.  
  
  
  
It was good that Nicky had found himself a little distraction and like I said, what could possibly go wrong?  
  


**End of part one....**

**  
  
**


	16. Chapter 16

  


**16  
  
  
  
Happy Birthday to me**

  
  
  
  
Remember two months or so ago when I asked �what could possibly go wrong?� yeah�I�m an idiot! Of course things would go wrong, I mean it�s not like we were dealing with a normal guy or anything. We were dealing with Nick Carter, psycho chick magnet. I should have realized that Paris wouldn�t be a great fit for him. Sometimes I think I�m blonder than he is.  
  
  
  
So, of course he and Paris decided to officially become an item after their third consecutive secret date. He came marching into the hotel room once again as we were getting up and heading towards the studio, and just like that in the van on the way over he proudly proclaimed to everyone, �Guys I am in love with Paris Hilton.�  
  
  
  
There was a lot of laughing and �hahaha good one� going on between the cousins, but when Nick didn�t crack a smile, I distinctly remember Brian looking over at me with a look of fear in his eyes, as if he was pleading with me to tell him that Nick wouldn�t be that stupid, that it was all some kind of joke. I shrugged and nodded at him and was answered with an �oh boy.�  
  
  
  
Kevin was the least pleased, but are we shocked about that? I mean this is Kevin we are talking about. I�m not sure why Nick was so surprised by Kev�s reaction to the announcement but that van ride was not something that I ever want to relive again. By the time we got to the studio, Nick wasn�t talking to anyone and Kevin kept grumbling under his breath throughout the whole session.  
  
  
  
He didn�t speak to anyone at all for the rest of that day and went out and partied all night, only to come home sloppy ass drunk at around dawn the next morning. That�s pretty much been his routine since Hilton entered his life.  
  
  
  
Like tonight for instance, here I am sitting up on my couch, watching a paid advertisement for some kind of wonder vacuum on the eve of my birthday. Am I waiting up for Nick to come home? Yes. Do I want to? No. Just that the stupid ass called me and told me he forgot to take his key.  
  
  
  
I bought a place here in LA finally after Howie said he thought in the end it would be cheaper if we all just got our own places instead of renting the penthouse from the hotel. I think at that point no one would disagree because living with each other for a month began to take its toll on us. It was no secret how miserable Brian was without his wife and same with Kevin. I needed my own space as did Howie. Nick was the only one who wanted things to stay as they were. So of course it came as no shock that on the eve of us all moving out into our own places Nick just stayed where he was.  
  
  
  
Don�t ask me why but for some reason, I asked him to move in with me until he got a place of his own. Maybe in a way I felt guilty for telling him to go for Paris in the first place. I guess in relation to the other guys, I still didn�t see the big deal about him dating her. She still seemed nice but I wasn�t crazy about the way he suddenly became a mister party boy. He was really partying a lot and that scared me. Maybe I just wanted to keep an eye on him but now I was having second thoughts.  
  
  
  
�Come on jerkass let�s go I�m tired and need my bed!� I decided to say out loud while looking at the clock and seeing 4 am staring me in the face.  
  
  
  
�You are so dead Carter�SO dead!�  
  
  
  
I told him to stay at her place but he was so shit faced drunk I don�t think he even heard me. Finally I heard voices coming towards the door, very loud voices. I stood up, sighed and made my way over to the front door where I found two people helping Nick walk.  
  
  
  
�Fantastic� I mumbled as they helped him inside and nodded at me. I had never seen them before. Is he asking for random rides home from strangers now?  
  
  
  
He grabbed me in a hug, the smell of alcohol so strong on his breath I found myself craving it. �AJ my man�I love you.�  
  
  
  
�You need to get to bed Nick, who were those people who brought you home?�  
  
  
  
�My friends, I have a lot of friends.�  
  
  
  
�What were their names?�  
  
  
  
�No idea.� I shook my head as I walked him towards his room.  
  
  
  
�Where is Paris? How come you didn�t go home with her?�  
  
  
  
�She left me there man�.she fucking left me there.� Now his happy I love you man mood took a dramatic turn as he just about started crying.  
  
  
  
�Well, let�s not worry about it now Nicky�you need your bed and so do I.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah bed is good I guess. AJ I love you man, thanks for saving me.�  
  
  
  
�Saving you?� He grabbed me in another hug and kissed my cheek. Nick was very lovey dovey when he was drunk, but then again he was very lovey dovey when he was sober too. Sometimes I swear he was part puppy dog.  
  
  
  
He fell onto his bed mid belch and closed his eyes, �Yes for saving me.�  
  
  
  
I grabbed his legs and gently placed them on top of the bed and covered him with a blanket. I skipped the taking off his shoes part. I loved the kid but not that much. His feet stank!  
  
  
  
As I walked out, yawning and rubbing at my eyes I looked at the clock again, �Happy Birthday to Me.� I exclaimed before heading to bed for a whooping four hours of sleep.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I arrived early to the studio with my wife and our son. Leighanne decided to suddenly become all domestic goddess and make a birthday cake for AJ. Sometimes I really did think we shared her. So in we walked with our little mini keg of coffee from Dunkin Donuts, party hats, (yes I did say party hats), and a nice coconut cake for the birthday boy. Naturally it would have been chocolate but only AJ would be allergic, so we went with coconut.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure you don�t want to stay and have cake with us?�  
  
  
  
She grabbed me in a hug and kissed me on the lips, �No, I don�t want to bother you guys while you�re working. Just tell him I said Happy Birthday and don�t forget to invite him over for dinner tomorrow night.�  
  
  
  
�Will do, love you.�  
  
  
  
�Love you too.� I kissed her one final time and then kissed my son on the cheek as they both left for a day of fun and shopping. Not that I would call that fun but she would. Now I was left staring at this cake that smelled SO good. I had all to do to not reach over and stick my face in it. I have developed quite a sweet tooth ever since Leigh was pregnant with the Bayster. Maybe if I just stuck my finger in it, no one would ever know.  
  
  
  
So that�s what I did, I walked right over to the cake and stuck my finger in it and that�s how my cousin found me. �What the hell are you doing Brian?�  
  
  
  
I stuck my finger in my mouth, I mean why not? I was already caught. �Testing AJ�s birthday cake.�  
  
  
  
�Testing it?� He shook his head at me and placed the newspaper he was carrying down on the table. �Looks good, did Leighanne make this?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�That was nice of her.�  
  
  
  
�He�s not here yet I take it?�  
  
  
  
�Nope, I was first.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, you even beat out Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Yes imagine that.�  
  
  
  
�I think we need to start some kind of being late fine to get AJ and Nick to the studio on time. Think that will work?�  
  
  
  
�AJ is usually good with being on time.�  
  
  
  
�We won�t give him hell because it�s his birthday I guess�you don�t think that�� And there it was as always. That shadow of a doubt that lived inside of us all when AJ was late for something. We still worried about him a lot. I know I did, especially when things like birthdays or holidays came up. How easy it would be for him to have a relapse. Go back to how it used to be for him. I don�t think I�d ever be able to handle that.  
  
  
  
�Good morning.� Howie said, entering with another keg of coffee from Dunkin Donuts as well as a box of treats. �Well looks like we have been giving them good business this morning.� He said when he noticed my keg lying on the table next to the molested coconut cake.  
  
  
  
�A cake? You didn�t make that did you?�  
  
  
  
�No Howie, my wife did.�  
  
  
  
�Party hats?�  
  
  
  
He looked over at Kevin who smiled without looking up from his paper. �Yes, we went the whole nine yards.�  
  
  
  
�Guys I have a new song I thought we could try today.� Howie poured himself a cup of coffee and then handed the lyrics over to Kevin and I.  
  
  
  
�Moving On?� I asked him as I read down the lyrics of the song.  
  
  
  
�Yup, just an idea that popped into my head the other night.�  
  
  
  
�I like the lyrics.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Brian, so AJ and Nicky aren�t here yet?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Howie and shook my head as Kevin grunted his disapproval. He�s been grunting a lot lately.  
  
  
  
�Nick will never be on time now that he�s dating HER.� And I believe that was why he was grunting so much.  
  
  
  
I�m not sure how I felt about that relationship actually. I mean from what I heard about Paris, I wasn�t very excited but seeing him happy made me happy and ever since the two of them began dating, there was no denying how happy he was.  
  
  
  
Leighanne just about had a fit and a half when I told her about it though. She couldn�t believe someone could be blessed with such a poor sense of judgment. She�s right, Nick�s judgment sucks. It always has and always will.  
  
  
  
�Well speak of the devil,� I thought to myself as he and AJ walked through the door. AJ looked great, eyes wide open and smiling but Nick was wearing sun glasses. I couldn�t help but shudder at the memory of AJ wearing them all the time and why he was.  
  
  
  
�Happy Birthday to you!� I walked over to AJ and wrapped him in a hug.  
  
  
  
�Thanks man.� He said as he looked at his cake and smiled. �Did our wife make that for me?�  
  
  
  
�Yes she did.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent.� He walked over and placed his finger in the icing and put it in his mouth. �Looks like someone already did that.�  
  
  
  
�I know nothing�� I confessed, winking at him.  
  
  
  
�So what�s with the sunglasses first thing in the morning Nick?� I asked when I saw how quiet he was being as he went for his coffee.  
  
  
  
�Don�t know�just tired I guess.�  
  
  
  
�It�s only us.� Kevin said as he grabbed AJ in a hug and wished him a Happy Birthday.  
  
  
  
�Leave him alone, he got in late last night.�  
  
  
  
�He is always getting in late isn�t he?� Kevin asked, walking into the booth to avoid fighting with our youngest member.  
  
  
  
�What crawled up his ass and died?� Nick asked which made the remaining four of us laugh. �Ooh cake!� He stood up and walked over to the cake like a little child. I swear he has the attention span of a gnat.  
  
  
  
I snuck one more look over to AJ and winked at him before mouthing, �My place tomorrow night.� He answered that with a lick of his lips and a nod.  
  
  
  
We are SO gay!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~~*~

  
  
  
  
I was so proud of AJ. He has come such a long way. I have to admit there was a time I didn�t think he�d be here to celebrate his 26th birthday. Not with us anyway. When he was at his worst, I was sure we�d be making that visit to a jail or worse yet, a cemetery.  
  
  
  
I never let on to people how concerned I was, always trying to underplay it but the truth was it used to terrify me. What a dark time that was, I�m so glad we made it through.  
  
  
  
�We still on for dinner tonight D?� He looked over at me and placed a party hat on my head.  
  
  
  
�Of course we are! Anywhere you want to go.�  
  
  
  
�I want sushi!� I had to laugh at that. I love AJ, my fickle friend.  
  
  
  
�I think Kev is joining us. Do you know if Nick is coming?�  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me, �He was so drunk when he came home last night Howie and to top it all off, he had total strangers bring him home.�  
  
  
  
�Strangers as in you didn�t know them or he didn�t know them?� God I was hoping it was the first option.  
  
  
  
�Would I care if I didn�t know them and he did?� Damn!  
  
  
  
�Are you sure he didn�t know them?�  
  
  
  
�We had a big discussion about it this morning. I lectured him as if I was his freaking grandpa, on my damn birthday.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head and glanced over at Nicky as he sat sipping on his coffee and eating a donut. �Supposedly she just left him there and went to another place.�  
  
  
  
�She just left him that drunk to get home by himself?�  
  
  
  
�I�d imagine she was as drunk as he was.�  
  
  
  
�Even still�� That didn�t sit right with me at all. This is a woman Nicky was in love with?  
  
  
  
�My ass waited up for him until 4 am!�  
  
  
  
�You are a good friend AJ.�  
  
  
  
He gave me a nod, �I owe him a lot of those, I owe all of you a lot of those.�  
  
  
  
�Just stay sober and that�s all we�ll ever need.�  
  
  
  
�D, last night�when he came home drunk�I mean the smell just made me want some, just for a second or two. Nothing major, but still.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe it�s a bad idea that he�s staying with you AJ.�  
  
  
  
�No, it�s all good. I�m going to talk to him about it tomorrow I think. Get my �my name is Kevin and I�m going to give you a long ass lecture� hat on and give him the business.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at that, but once again I couldn�t help but worry about them both. He sensed that and pat my back, �It�s all good Howie. I�ll be fine and so will he. If he isn�t I�ll kick his ass. I�m going to go have a piece of my birthday cake, you want any?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �Sure.�  
  
  
  
As he walked away I glanced over at Nick and caught him staring at me. When our eyes met, he looked away. He probably could tell we were talking about him. I decided to walk over his way and strike up a conversation.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
My head hurt like a bitch when I woke up this morning, well more like when I was dragged out of bed and lectured this morning. For a moment, I could have sworn that Kevin possessed AJ. The way he paced as he yelled at me for letting some random people take me home last night. I just kind of nodded and kept my head down. The truth was, I had no friggin idea what he was talking about. I don�t even remember coming home in the first place. I must have been that wasted.  
  
  
  
The last thing I remember was Paris and I dancing and making out. I didn�t feel comfortable about it. I�m not real big on the sticking my tongue down people�s throats in the middle of a crowd thing, but lately that�s all she ever wanted to do. So there we were on the dance floor and suddenly we were making out and I mean really making out. I almost forgot we were in public and briefly started to undo her dress, not that there was all that much to undo.  
  
  
  
I swear that�s the last thing I remember. The rest is all one big blur, ending with me being lectured by AJ as I was trying not to puke on him. I hated when I had those nights, the ones where I couldn�t remember what happened. They seem to be happening more and more these days. I know that�s a bad thing, but what�s worse is Howie walking towards me.  
  
  
  
�I feel lecture number two coming on now.� I couldn�t help but say to my cup of coffee as I took another sip.  
  
  
  
�Hey Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�Hey.�  
  
  
  
�Are you coming out with us tonight for AJ�s birthday?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe for a little while, I am supposed to meet up with Paris later on tonight.�  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you bring her with you? I mean none if us have really even met her yet.�  
  
  
  
�She didn�t really seem into the idea when I mentioned it.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, well maybe another time then, but you really should make time for AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, I said I was going okay?� I didn�t mean to snap at him but the way he stressed the making time for AJ thing made me mad.  
  
  
  
�And you have met her; remember when she went out clubbing with us?�  
  
  
  
�Yes for all of ten seconds before she whisked you away.�  
  
  
  
I felt bad but maybe Howie was right. In the almost two months Paris and I dated, she has barely had more than a miniscule conversation with the boys. I don�t even think she has met Brian yet, although he hasn�t really put forth the effort either.  
  
  
  
�I�ll ask her to come again tonight okay?� I made sure I said in a softer tone as he was walking away. At least my snappishness averted a lecture.  
  
  
  
�That would be nice Nicky.�  
  
  
  
I decided to take out my phone and call her about it right away, I mean this was an important thing for me and we always did what she wanted to do. I�m sure she would return the favor.  
  
  
  
She picked up sounding very sleepy, �Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Hey there baby.�  
  
  
  
�Oh hey.�  
  
  
  
�Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me and the guys for AJ�s birthday tonight. Then afterwards we can meet up with your friends at the club.�  
  
  
  
She paused for a few seconds, talking to her sister before coming back to me, �Um�well it�s just that we already had plans. I kind of told everyone we would be there at 8.�  
  
  
  
�I should go out with the guys.�  
  
  
  
�I guess if you want, I mean I�m sure I�ll find someone to occupy my time if you aren�t there.�  
  
  
  
�What�s that supposed to mean?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing�I have to go.� Then just like that she hung up on me. She�d have to find someone to occupy her time? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?  
  
  
  
I looked over at AJ as he stood talking to Brian and Howie and rubbed at the back of my neck. I�m sure he�d understand if I couldn�t make it. I wouldn�t tell him now though, maybe later on after my headache went away.  
  
  
  
She better not be fucking cheating on me!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I can�t believe that AJ was 26 years old today! Good lord I feel so old. I remember when he was just a child. Now here he is a man, a 26 year old man! I felt as proud as a father, looking at him eating his cake and talking to the other guys. Almost all the other guys, there sat Nick on a table off by himself on his phone. He was annoying me today already and it wasn�t even 9 o�clock in the morning.  
  
  
  
I rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes as I saw AJ walk into the booth with a piece of cake for me, �Why are you not in there and enjoying the party with us? Is it the party hats?�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him as I grabbed the cake, �No, sorry�just wanted to come in here and do some things before I forgot about them.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t be mad at him, I can tell you�re angry.� He knew I walked out because of Nick.  
  
  
  
�I�m not angry.�  
  
  
  
�Yes you are.�  
  
  
  
�Did he get drunk last night again?� He hesitated, I could tell he wanted to lie but then he saw that I noticed his hesitation so he came clean.  
  
  
  
�Yes, he was a little drunk.�  
  
  
  
�And how many nights in a row is that?�  
  
  
  
�About ten.�  
  
  
  
I instantly felt a headache form on the top of my head. Ten nights of partying in a row and I�m not talking about go out for a few hours and then head home partying, I�m talking about staying out until the sun comes up partying. The same kind of partying that AJ used to do before I kicked down his door.  
  
  
  
�I talked to him this morning about it. I think that�s why he�s being moody.�  
  
  
  
�It�s all her.�  
  
  
  
�He has to have a little to do with it but yeah, I�m sure she has some kind of influence on him.�  
  
  
  
I decided to shift gears on him, I mean this was about AJ and not Nick right? �How has the day been for you so far?�  
  
  
  
�Just a day, I feel a little older but not very wise.�  
  
  
  
�You are still much too young to be wise.�  
  
  
  
He laughed.  
  
  
  
�I�m proud of you AJ�and Happy Birthday.� I stood up and gave him a hug.  
  
  
  
�Thanks man.�  
  
  
  
As he walked out of the room, I glanced over at Nick as he sat there rubbing at his neck. I wish I didn�t care so much, I wish he didn�t worry me so much. My life would be so much easier! Maybe I�ll talk to him tonight at AJ�s dinner. Or shortly afterwards, I�ll pull him away from the guys, make a suggestion we go for a walk and then just talk to him. Let him know what I�m seeing and how scary it is to me.  
  
  
  
I nodded and instantly calmed myself down. We had a new song to record, a great one from the looks of it. I placed Howie�s song on the piano and went inside to gather the troops for our day of recording.  
  



	17. Chapter 17

****

**17  
  
  
  
Maybe it�s a full moon�**

  
  
  
  
I was a bit mad�okay well mad is an understatement. Actually I was pissed the hell off that Carter never bothered to show up for AJ�s birthday dinner. I know we were all adults and birthdays just don�t mean as much to us as they did when we were kids but still, this meant a lot to AJ. The first birthday we would all be celebrating together with him being totally sober, and Nick was a no show.  
  
  
  
AJ acted like it didn�t matter to him, he totally understood because now that Nick was finally involved with someone again, it made sense that the kid put her before everything else, after all isn�t that what he always did?  
  
  
  
I laughed and nodded at AJ but then glanced over at my cousin who looked like his head was going to pop off of his shoulders. If I was mad, it was nothing compared to Kevin. He was beyond mad, and of course he wouldn�t let it drop all night long. Kevin was funny like that. The wise thing to do would be to just drop it, if AJ was willing to play it off then we all should. No reason to totally ruin his night because of one bonehead right? Well no, not right. Whenever there was the slightest pause in conversation, Kevin would start to grumble about irresponsibility and immaturity followed by a healthy dose of selfishness. We all felt the same way, but it was making AJ uncomfortable and pissing me off.  
  
  
  
So we had dinner, amongst the grumblings and eye rollings, watch as boner opened his gifts which were all really cheesy and funny and then we said goodnight. I really vented once I got home to my wife, who was waiting up for me with a nice warm cup of cocoa. Have I mentioned how much I love my wife?  
  
  
  
�He didn�t even call?� She asked in disbelief.  
  
  
  
�Yeah he called and talked to AJ but I have no idea what he said.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe he would do that�well actually I can.�  
  
  
  
�It�s just that he knew how important today was to AJ and he still was a no show. Sometimes I�m this close to giving up on him you know what I mean?� My wife leaned over me as I blew on my cup of hot chocolate and kissed the back of my neck.  
  
  
  
�I hope AJ tells him how disappointed he is.� She whispered as she hugged me from behind.  
  
  
  
�He won�t, you know that.�  
  
  
  
�Then I think you should. He needs to realize that not everything is all about him, you know?�  
  
  
  
�I know�I mean he doesn�t always think that way.�  
  
  
  
�See? Now you are making excuses for him too.�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m not�it�s just that he�s confused�he�s had a hard year and sometimes I honestly don�t think he thinks about things before he does them.�  
  
  
  
�He never thinks before he does Brian�I mean think about it, he was almost a no show for OUR wedding because he wanted to go scuba diving with friends. He never even bothered to send us an RSVP.�  
  
  
  
�He was only a kid back then and I can�t believe you are still annoyed about that Leigh, seriously, it should bother me more than it does you.� She let go of me pretty quickly and walked away. I know I hit a nerve somewhere, she was really mad at my band mates for the way they treated our wedding and my surgery. When it came to stuff like that, I was more forgiving but I think it�s because I just knew the way we all were.  
  
  
  
�Honey, I�m sorry�it�s just that I know Nick and he�s�well� Nick. He doesn�t act like that on purpose. He meant no harm about the scuba thing and there was never a doubt in my mind that he would show up for our wedding. I knew they all would.�  
  
  
  
�I really think someone needs to say something to him about this and that horrible woman he�s dating. Can�t he see how bad she is for him?�  
  
  
  
�Leigh�� I walked over to her and grabbed her into another hug, hoping that the ill feelings she was sending my way would end upon our touch. �He can�t and I don�t think she�s that bad.�  
  
  
  
The move didn�t work because she instantly pulled away from me and walked over to the kitchen table, pulling a magazine into her hands and showing me the cover.  
  
  
  
�That�s because you don�t read the tabloids. Just this week Brian your band mate�� That�s what she called Nick when she was annoyed with something he did. He wasn�t Nick my friend, or Nick my little brother, he was Nick my band mate� said to remind me that at the end of the day, the Backstreet Boys were just a job and nothing more. �He was on the front of at least six magazines all with her barely dressed and the two of them sucking each other�s faces off!�  
  
  
  
I laughed, which I�m sure didn�t help this little fight we were having and another thing to put on my list of grievances with Carter, a meaningless fight over what exactly?  
  
  
  
�Honey why are we fighting about Nick? Isn�t that a bit stupid?� I asked her hoping that suddenly she�d have a light bulb moment and stop the ranting.  
  
  
  
She looked back over at me, no smile evident on her face, �No, it�s not stupid because he is a part of your life and my life and our baby�s life. You work with him Brian and if he continually messes up it�s a reflection on not only him but all of you and ME!�  
  
  
  
�You? I don�t see how any of this has to do with you.�  
  
  
  
Okay that was clearly the wrong thing to say because my ever so calm wife walked over to me, grabbed the cocoa out of my hand and dumped it in the sink, �Maybe that�s the problem right there!� She said before storming out of the room and up the stairs.  
  
  
  
I may be a typical male sometimes but I have NO idea what the hell just happened. So, I shrugged and called it a night�on the couch. Nice Nick�thanks a lot!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I have to say I wasn�t very anxious to be at the studio the next morning. Not with all the tension that the night before left us with. I mean we were all good but there was this underlying, uncomfortable tension, ironically the same kind of tension that AJ used to cause after a night of partying.  
  
  
  
When things got like this, I hated it. Everyone always turned to me to make things better like I had some magical fairy dust or something. �D can make everything better; he�s so sweet and nice.�  
  
  
  
Well this nice, sweet D was about ready to give a fake call in sick today so he wouldn�t have to deal with all the drama. Nick�Nick�.Nick, sometimes I wanted to kill that child. It�s weird to say, but I had a feeling he wasn�t going to show up the minute he said that Paris wasn�t interested in being around us at all. What�s up with that anyway? I swear the more I hear little tidbits about her from him, the more I dislike her and I honestly try not to dislike anybody we are dating. I try.  
  
  
  
On a positive note, my song sounded great on tape like I knew it would. I was so happy to see how receptive they all were to it and to my suggestion that it be a cappella. I�m hoping this one will make the album.  
  
  
  
AJ walked in a few minutes after me and that�s when I realized it was too late to back out now. I should have run when I had the chance, stupid sense of responsibility and brain not focusing long enough on me leaving in the first place.  
  
  
  
�Hey.� He said, taking off his bright orange scarf and beret he had on his head. I swear sometimes I think he gets up first thing in the morning and just rolls into whatever is lying on his floor.  
  
  
  
�Hi there.�  
  
  
  
�Are we the first ones again?� I nodded at him.  
  
  
  
�Kevin is considering starting a fine for the last person to arrive.�  
  
  
  
�I hope it�s him then.� I laughed at J as he took a seat at the console and started fiddling around with the buttons.  
  
  
  
�So��  
  
  
  
�I didn�t talk to him last night Howie, he didn�t come home.� That�s how well we knew each other; he absolutely knew I was going to ask how his talk with Nick went. At one point in our dinner conversation yesterday, I once again brought up the fact that I thought maybe Nick wasn�t a good roommate for AJ. He was quick to blow it off in the studio but last night, I could tell maybe he thought I was right.  
  
  
  
�Are you going to talk to him about the rooming situation?�  
  
  
  
�Probably.�  
  
  
  
�Good, I think it�s a good idea. I mean it�s not like he can�t afford his own place.�  
  
  
  
�I know, it�s more like he doesn�t want to live alone.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he�ll move in with her then.� Just as I said that, I felt a shiver run down my spine. That thought made me a little nauseous and the look of amusement on AJ�s face made me curious.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You don�t much like Miss Hilton do you?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t really have that much of an opinion.�  
  
  
  
�Liar.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine, no I don�t really like her and I don�t want him to live with her but I�d rather that then him live with you and have you wanting to drink.�  
  
  
  
AJ shook his head at me; I could tell maybe he wasn�t too happy by what I said. �So is that it? You don�t trust me not to drink?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say that AJ.�  
  
  
  
�No you didn�t. Maybe not in those exact words but that�s how I heard it.�  
  
  
  
�I do trust you.�  
  
  
  
�No you don�t. You think I don�t have enough self control around Nick to refrain from drinking.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, that�s not true at all��  
  
  
  
�Whatever man�� He stood up and placed his jacket back on, �I�m going out for a smoke. Let Kevin know I was here before he tries to fine my ass for being late.�  
  
  
  
�AJ�I really didn�t mean anything��  
  
  
  
�It�s cool; I know I have to regain your trust. It�s over dude. Just let them know I�m here and I�ll be back.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, I do trust you.�  
  
  
  
�Sure you do��  
  
  
  
�You want company?�  
  
  
  
�No.� I nodded at him as he walked out the door.  
  
  
  
What the hell was that all about? Yes, I definitely should have taken that sick day. Good lord maybe it�s not too late to flee the studio after all. The day hasn�t even started yet and already AJ is mad at me and everyone else is mad at Nick.  
  
  
  
I seriously did contemplate walking out the door but decided to just leave it be. Instead I turned on our song, full volume and placed the headphones on my head. I�ll just block them all out today if need be.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I figured I would wake up in a better mood and I was right, thankfully. Last night I was so mad, I�m not even really sure why. I know it was dumbass, but still�maybe it was a little of everything. I just think this album thing is starting to stress me out a bit. I also had a fight with my wife about something stupid. I hated the fact that she wasn�t out here with me yet. When we finally all got our own places, Leighanne practically ran out here to be with Brian but my wife sounded almost disappointed by the fact that now I expected her to be by my side.  
  
  
  
It�s not like I mean she should drop everything she is involved in and come out to be with me or anything but still, a little fake enthusiasm would have been appreciated. So after having a stupid fight with her, I went to AJ�s party to see that Nick didn�t show up and not only didn�t he show up but he was a no show just because his skanky girlfriend didn�t want to have anything to do with a dry party. What a stupid whore, seriously.  
  
  
  
�Hey Kevin.� I looked over at Brian as he was walking from his car at a very quick pace. I bet he was nervous that he was going to be the last person in.  
  
  
  
�Hi.�  
  
  
  
�Is everyone here yet?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know.� As soon as I said that, he darted past me and ran into the door like he was ten.  
  
  
  
�HA! Well if they are, at least I�m not last!�  
  
  
  
�Hey not fair Brian!�  
  
  
  
He opened the door for me and laughed, at least he was in a good mood as well. Maybe today wouldn�t suck as bad as I thought it would after all. As we walked down the hall I even whistled a little. This took my cousin by surprise.  
  
  
  
�I�m glad to see you are in a better mood today.�  
  
  
  
�I am, although I have no idea why.� I confessed.  
  
  
  
�Same here, I had a huge fight with Leigh last night.� I stopped walking and looked over at him.  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�I had a huge fight with Kris last night.�  
  
  
  
�Is she in town?�  
  
  
  
�No, and that was the reason for the argument.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, she�s too busy to come here.�  
  
  
  
�That sucks.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
I opened the door to the studio we were renting out and was met with the song we worked on yesterday blaring through the speakers. When Howie saw us, he lowered the song and removed one of the headphones from his ear. �Hey.�  
  
  
  
�Hello, so is it just you then?�  
  
  
  
�Nope, AJ is out back smoking.�  
  
  
  
�Of course he is, why would he be anywhere else, and Nick?�  
  
  
  
�He�s not here yet.�  
  
  
  
�Good, seems fitting that he�d have to pay the first late fee. We should name it the dumbass fee for today.� That got a laugh out of everyone.  
  
  
  
�So what did you and Leigh argue about if you don�t mind me asking.�  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me, which made me realize that yes he did mind me asking. �Just normal everyday stuff.�  
  
  
  
�I wish I could have those fights with my wife.� He laughed again, but then I went ahead and said something stupid, �Maybe if Kris did nothing all day we could have a normal run of the mill fight. That would make life so much easier.�  
  
  
  
�Excuse me?� I could tell by the change in his tone and demeanor that he wasn�t happy with what I had just said. In fact, even I wasn�t happy with it but it was out of my mouth before I had a chance to swallow it back up.  
  
  
  
�Nothing.�  
  
  
  
�No, are you implying my wife doesn�t do anything?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not implying it at all Brian, she doesn�t.�  
  
  
  
As soon as I said that, Howie�s headphones went right back on his head. He wanted to block us out and I couldn�t blame him, So much for my good mood.  
  
  
  
�Sorry if you think raising a child alone half the time isn�t a job�but she does a lot!�  
  
  
  
�I know she does, what I meant was that she gets to stay at home.�  
  
  
  
�No you didn�t. You said she did nothing.�  
  
  
  
�Look, I�m sorry�I really didn�t mean it.�  
  
  
  
�Whatever�I think I�m going to go join AJ, it�s suddenly started to stink in here!�  
  
  
  
With that being said, he glared at me and walked out the door. I let out a sigh as my cheeks inflated. Nice going Richardson, seriously I�m an ass and a half.  
  
  
  
Howie removed his headphones again and I looked over at him, �Don�t� feel bad�� He said, �I managed to piss off AJ within minutes of his arrival.�  
  
  
  
�It must be some hidden talent we possess.� I joked as I ran my hand through my hair.  
  
  
  
�If it makes you feel any better Kev�I don�t think Leigh does anything either.� That made me laugh and once I did, Howie winked at me.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
When the back door opened I knew it was going to be Brian, he always comes to join me. Goodness no one can live without me can they?  
  
  
  
�Hey.�  
  
  
  
�Hey.�  
  
  
  
The way he returned my greeting made me realize he was escaping someone. Maybe Howie had managed to piss him off too. �What�s up?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing really�Kevin just pissed me the eff off.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him, �I can�t believe you just said eff. You are too much sometimes Rok.�  
  
  
  
�Not all of us spew curses out of our mouths like you and Nick.�  
  
  
  
�I guess�so what did he say to get you that made you �almost� used the F word.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up Bone.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry man�but that was precious, seriously.�  
  
  
  
�He said that Leigh does nothing and he wished his wife did nothing as well.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, he said that? Harsh.�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me and bit his cheek; he always did that when he was annoyed by something.  
  
  
  
�Well, if it makes you feel any better, Howie doesn�t trust me not to drink again.� I took a long drag of my cigarette after I said that.  
  
  
  
�What? Where did that come from?�  
  
  
  
�He basically told me that before.�  
  
  
  
�Really? That seems very unlike D.�  
  
  
  
�Just like what Kevin said seems very unlike him.�  
  
  
  
�Is there a full moon or something?�  
  
  
  
�Quite possibly�� I answered when I saw Nick walking towards us slowly. �Well�look whose trying to sneak in the back way.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t blame him, I would too if I blew off one of my best friends on his birthday.�  
  
  
  
When he saw us, his head went down. I�m sure if it wouldn�t have been so obvious he would have turned around and walked in the front entrance.  
  
  
  
�Hey Nicky.� I said with a full on grin. I wasn�t really that mad at him. The others were madder than I was. I was just kind of disappointed I guess, but very far from mad.  
  
  
  
�Hey.� Now he was right next to us, his coffee was wafting into my nostrils making me want to make a run to Starbucks. �Is everyone else here?�  
  
  
  
We both nodded at him, �Seems like you�ll be paying the very first Richardson late fee my boy.� Brian said patting him on the back.  
  
  
  
�Goody.�  
  
  
  
He was wearing sunglasses but something about the tinge that was coming from under them caught my eye. �Nick, do you have a black eye?� I asked him moving towards him and taking his shades off of his face before he knew what was happening. He tried to move away from me but it was too late, I grabbed them off and sure enough there was a huge bruise covering his left eye. �What the hell happened to you?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing.�  
  
  
  
�You are fighting now? Who did you fight?� Brian was not sounding all too pleased.  
  
  
  
�No one, okay? Can we drop it now?�  
  
  
  
�No, we can�t. How the hell did that happen Kaos?�  
  
  
  
�Paris, we had a fight last night and she clocked me with her purse.�  
  
  
  
�What the hell did she have in that thing, a ceramic sink?�  
  
  
  
�I have no idea, she just kept walloping me with the damn thing, but it�s all good now, and the make up sex was great.�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Brian and saw that he was looking at me, we both were thinking the same thing but hardly felt like saying it.  
  
  
  
�Anyway�I better get inside before Kevin has a cow�oh and AJ�I�m really sorry I missed your birthday. Are you mad?�  
  
  
  
�No kiddo, I�m not mad. But you owe me a night of bowling and a pizza.�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �You got it�maybe tonight after we get done with the studio.�  
  
  
  
�Actually, he�s coming over my place tonight.� That�s right, I forgot I was invited to dinner by my wife and her other husband. Nick nodded and looked disappointed. I have a feeling he felt the need to be around me tonight.  
  
  
  
�Oh, okay�well another time then. I better get in there.� He pat my shoulder then smiled at Brian before putting his sunglasses back on and walking inside.  
  
  
  
�She did that to him?� Brian asked me, looking alarmed and confused and dare a say a tad bit amused as well.  
  
  
  
�I guess so.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, something tells me this is the beginning of a very rocky relationship.�  
  
  
  
�Why does he always hook up with broods that like to be violent?�  
  
  
  
Brian shrugged, �Someday we�ll have to ask him for his manual so we can understand what the hell goes through his mind.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure I really want to know that Rok.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, me either.�  
  
  
  
I took one final drag of my smoke then threw it to the ground and stepped on it, �I guess it�s time to get to work.�  
  
  
  
�Yup. Let�s go Bone.�  
  
  
  
We both walked into the studio, following Nick as he slowly walked down the hall.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I seriously felt so bad for letting AJ down last night. I had every intention of showing up, I really did, but she had other plans. We went from party to party meeting up with all of these people I had no idea who any of them even were. She walked me around on her arm as if I was her stupid ass dog and I was getting madder and madder as the night wore on.  
  
  
  
I was also getting more and more drunk, mainly to dull the anxiety I was feeling. I just hate the fact that she is so all over the place; everyone loves and cares about her so much. I mean the press, not people in general.  
  
  
  
At around 2 in the morning, I confronted her about it, I told her I didn�t want to be paraded around like some kind of trophy boy and we ended up having a knock down, drag out brawl about it. I said some things I never should have and she retaliated by taking her purse and slamming me over and over again in the face with it.  
  
  
  
I seriously thought she was going to knock me out at one point. But luckily she stopped and instead started kissing me. Before I knew what was happening, we ended up rolling around her kitchen table and then the floor, and then the couch and then the bed.  
  
  
  
Obviously at that point, AJ was the farthest thing from my mind, until I woke up late this morning. I swear I almost made myself sick thinking about seeing him at the studio today and not just him, all of them.  
  
  
  
I�m not dumb, I know they all talked shit about me last night because I didn�t show and I can�t really blame them one bit for it. I would be annoyed too.  
  
  
  
I took a nice deep breath before I opened the doors to the studio. They made me feel like a kid again, a kid who was always about to get into trouble. Sure enough when I walked in both Howie and Kevin looked at me, and then put their heads back down.  
  
  
  
�You�re late.� Kevin said, in not the kindest of voices.  
  
  
  
�I know�sorry.�  
  
  
  
�That�s $500 made out to a charity of AJ�s choice since you blew him off last night.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, I�ll ask him.� Yup, I felt like a child� a sad and unhappy child.  
  
  
  
AJ and Brian came in shortly after the very cold welcome I received and I was grateful for it. There was this weird feeling in the room, as if everyone wasn�t really happy about being there and I hated the fact that I was probably the cause of that.  
  
  
  
�Guys, I just wanted to apologize to everyone about being a no show yesterday. I hope we are all good.�  
  
  
  
�No need to apologize to us Nick.� Howie said with his headphones on and head down.  
  
  
  
�You would think so, but I feel like you are all mad at me so I thought I�d just get it out there.�  
  
  
  
�I think we all just woke up crabby Kaos.� Bone said as he pat my head.  
  
  
  
I nodded at him and saw that maybe he was right. Maybe everyone was just a little off this morning. �Okay�well I really am sorry AJ.�  
  
  
  
�I know man.�  
  
  
  
�So are we going to get something done today or not?� Kevin asked giving me one of his smiles. The one that told me even though he thought I was a huge bonehead, he still loved me and instantly I felt better. Funny what one person can do right?  
  
  
  
AJ walked over to Howie and gave him a hug as Kevin walked over and did the same to Brian. Maybe some drama occurred while I was gone but I still felt a little left out.  
  
  
  
�Why is no one hugging me?�  
  
  
  
They all turned to me and laughed. �Because we don�t like you Nick�.duh!� Brian said in his gay voice before coming over and giving me a hug.  
  
  
  
�Wow we all had a moment didn�t we?� I asked with a half grin on my face, sunglasses still firmly planted on there as well. I�ll be wearing them all day if I had my way.  
  
  
  
�Yes we did�okay let�s get to work people!� And on cue, we did just that.  
  
  



	18. Chapter 18

****

**18  
  
  
  
A night out with�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I was glad our day at the studio was productive because I really was worried they were all going to gang up on me or something. It was a relief to see them all laughing and hugging each other. I have to say I was also a little happy that I had the night free. Paris had something to do with her show so I had the night to myself, not that I wanted to be alone because I really didn�t. I was hoping that AJ and I could do something but I guess Brian invited him over to his place.  
  
  
  
Yes that made me jealous, I admit it but I have to get used to the idea that things have changed. I�m happy for AJ that he has Brian in his life. Brian was able to keep me grounded when I most needed him to, maybe now he just saw that AJ was the one that needed the extra help. Brian is my Mary Poppins I guess. Without all the fun talking penguins and stuff.  
  
  
  
�What are you laughing about?� I looked over at Howie and shrugged.  
  
  
  
�Just thinking about Mary Poppins.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�you�re a weirdo Nicky.�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes at him, �Hey Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Do you have any plans tonight?�  
  
  
  
�Not really. I was just going to go home and sleep.�  
  
  
  
�You want to do something with me?�  
  
  
  
He looked surprised, �What? No Paris tonight?� It made me a little mad that he seemed happy about that but at the same time I was happy about that too so, why was I mad?  
  
  
  
�She has a meeting.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� He gave me that look, the one that Kevin liked to give me from time to time. I swear it was contagious. He finally smiled at me, �Sure, let�s do something, but nothing too wild, How about dinner and then a movie at my place or something?�  
  
  
  
�We can go to my place, AJ will be with Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Okay that works�so what time do you want to meet up?�  
  
  
  
�I should shower and all that stuff, I�m sure I stink�how about seven-ish?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Nicky you do stink.� I walked over and purposely gave him a huge hug because�well it was my duty, to which he made a face and waved his hand by his nose. �Get off of me!� I made sure to kiss him on the cheek before I let him go. He almost knocked my sunglasses off but I was too quick.  
  
  
  
I managed to keep my sunglasses on all day long without one single person telling me to take them off. I was happy that Brian and AJ didn�t give me up, although eventually they�d all find out, at least by the time I walked into the studio tomorrow, the bruise will have faded. Tonight Howie will see it, but knowing D, he won�t say anything. He�s cool like that. Well cool or unaffected, one of those two things.  
  
  
  
�It�s just me dude, you guys need to get used to that again.�  
  
  
  
�Do we have to?� That was Brian who also did the fanning his hand by his nose thing as he passed me by.  
  
  
  
�Yes, you do!�  
  
  
  
�I�ll bring my nose plugs tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�You know, the immature, young me would have taken that opportunity to make fun of your overly large nostrils, but nope, not the new Nick. The new and improved Nick will ignore that all together.�  
  
  
  
Brian laughed, �Well thank goodness we have the new Nick on board then. Maybe the new Nick can talk to the old Nick about bathing every once in awhile.�  
  
  
  
�He tried, but some habits are harder to break than others.�  
  
  
  
Brian walked over and gently placed his hand on my cheek, �Yes I can see that.� He said, winking at me. �Have a good night boys, stay out of trouble and we�ll see you tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
AJ walked out of the men�s room shortly after that and together they left for Brian�s house. �Do you have your key Bone?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah!�  
  
  
  
�Okay good�just checking.�  
  
  
  
�No worries Kaos, you�re the only bonehead that forgets his key on almost a daily basis.�  
  
  
  
I stuck my middle finger up at him but felt a sadness as they both walked away. That used to be me, why am I having such a hard time dealing with that?  
  
  
  
�See ya later then Nicky.� Howie said, patting me on the back. He knew I was sad about the Brian/AJ exit. Howie was always able to read me, but I am pretty sure that they all can.  
  
  
  
�Yeah see ya later.� I said as I turned to walk out the back entrance only to walk right into Kevin. I wasn�t looking where I was going. I seriously almost knocked the poor guy over.  
  
  
  
�Oops�.sorry about that.� I reached over and pat both of his shoulders as if straightening his shirt.  
  
  
  
�Watch where you�re going buddy. You would be able to see if you took those damn sunglasses off your skull.�  
  
  
  
�I like them, they add character.�  
  
  
  
�You already have plenty of character. So, how did it happen anyway?�  
  
  
  
You have GOT to be kidding me!!  
  
  
  
�How did what happen?�  
  
  
  
�You know�� He pointed at my eye ever so slightly. Damn it that Kevin!  
  
  
  
�Oh�I walked into a wall.�  
  
  
  
�Hrmm and did this wall have a name?�  
  
  
  
�Kevy, it�s not like I have time to go around naming walls. If you see me start doing that you should commit me into a nut house.�  
  
  
  
�I think you are already committable Nickolas.�  
  
  
  
�Nickolas? Why so formal?�  
  
  
  
�When you call me Kevy, I call you Nickolas, it�s only fair.�  
  
  
  
�In your world maybe.�  
  
  
  
�Well since you live in my world�� I shook my head at him. There was just no winning when Kevin was concerned.  
  
  
  
�Have a good night Kevy.�  
  
  
  
�What are your plans?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing�just hanging out with Howie D.�  
  
  
  
�Oh��  
  
  
  
�You�re welcome to come over too. I mean we aren�t doing much just getting dinner and watching a movie.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, well maybe I will. Thanks for the invite Nick.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him; the poor guy looked lonely and seemed lost without his wife and unlike Brian who only seems to ever invite his best friend over, I was an equal opportunity hanger outer. Yup�still upset about that Brian and AJ thing I guess.  
  
  
  
�See ya later then cracker jack.�  
  
  
  
�Cracker Jack?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him as if that should have been enough of an explanation. I guess it was because he asked no more questions.  
  
  
  
�A night out with Kevin and Howie�should be interesting.� I murmured to myself as I headed for the car, realizing that now that Kevin was coming over, I�d have to clean. He really was my mother. It�ll be weird; I haven�t hung out with them in a long time. I don�t think I�ve ever just hung out with Kevin. Not by choice anyway�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
We were greeted at the door by my lovely wife and equally lovely son with a barrage of hugs and kisses from them both. I felt bad for Rok though since all he got was a glare from Leigh and a friendly love squat from Baylee. My guess is he was getting ready to poop.  
  
  
  
Yup, she should have married me, but I�ll keep that to myself. �I�m so glad you came to dinner, Happy Birthday AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Leighanne��  
  
  
  
As she opened the door and let us in, I looked over at Brian and smiled, �She�s still mad I guess.� He whispered to me.  
  
  
  
�She�ll get over it.� I said to him as I suddenly had the urge to smack his butt.  
  
  
  
�Yeah let�s hope so, I�m not spending another night on the couch.�  
  
  
  
�Wow that bad huh?�  
  
  
  
He nodded and rolled his eyes. I think he was grateful I was here so he wouldn�t get yelled at for whatever it was he did wrong. He never told me, but I�m sure whatever the subject of the fight was, it must have been a doosey.  
  
  
  
I couldn�t help but smile when I looked at all the toys strewn about the floor. That�s why I enjoyed hanging out with them so much, when I was here things seemed so normal and that word and I never really got along well.  
  
  
  
�Wow you certainly have a lot of coloring books for little Bay huh?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, he�s quite the artist�look at his thing.� Brian quickly sat himself down on the floor and picked up a Wiggles coloring book to which he took his blue crayon and started to color. Miraculously the entire page changed colors with the aide of only that one crayon. When he colored a tree it turned brown and green, when he hit the water it turned blue and so forth.  
  
  
  
�Wow that is SO cool!�  
  
  
  
Brian laughed, �I know, isn�t that the best? I wish these were around when we were kids.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, seriously.�  
  
  
  
�You want to try?� Of course I wanted to try, so I plopped down on the floor next to him and started coloring. I�m sure we were quite the sight, especially since Baylee was at the kitchen table helping his mother with dinner.  
  
  
  
�The best part? Look at this�� He took the crayon and started drawing on the carpet. �It doesn�t work on anything except the paper! Cool huh?�  
  
  
  
�Totally cool!�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes I wonder which one of you is the child and which one is the adult.� Leighanne said walking in with Baylee in her arms as he played with her necklace.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure it�s questionable.� I was quick to agree.  
  
  
  
�Man you better never show Nick these things or we�ll never get them away from him.�  
  
  
  
�He doesn�t need these, he can draw. Howie on the other hand.� I laughed, Brian was right; Howie was hopeless when it came to art, poor guy.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we�ll get him some of these for his birthday.�  
  
  
  
�Are you guys ready to eat?� I looked up at her and smiled.  
  
  
  
�You need any help with anything babe?�  
  
  
  
�No, we�re all done�Baylee was a huge help weren�t you sweetie?� She placed her fingers under the baby�s neck and he started giggling instantly.  
  
  
  
God that kid had me wanting my own. Seriously being around these two just gave me hope that maybe this kind of life was within my reach. I mean Brian and I both came from the same background. We were both famous and thought that we had no hope of finding the perfect girl who wouldn�t be interested in anything besides our money and fame. Knowing that this kind of happiness was attainable for him, gave me hope.  
  
  
  
�AJ?� I glanced over at Brian.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Everything okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, why do you ask?�  
  
  
  
�Because you have a dumbfounded look on your face.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�sorry. I was just daydreaming about when Leigh finally realizes she made a mistake and leaves you for me.� That made Leighanne crack up but Brian pretended to be annoyed. I know he wasn�t though, I mean who can stay annoyed at this cute face?  
  
  
  
�Why did we invite him again?� Rok asked his wife as we journeyed into the kitchen. I took one more look at his living room with all the toys and coloring books strewn all over the place and smiled. Yes it was within reach and someday I would have all this too. A son of my own, as my wife cooked for me and my friends.  
  
  
  
�You coming or not AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, sorry�I�m coming.� I turned and followed the smell of fried chicken and mashed potatoes.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I was running a little late and was a tad disturbed when no one answered the phone over at Nick�s place. So help him if he blows me off, he�ll see the Puerto Rican side of me all over again. I even tried his cell a few times but still no answer. I absolutely hated it when I was supposed to meet up with someone and that person at the last minute didn�t answer their phone. It always made me paranoid, like I picture them lying dead in the shower or fallen into a well or in Nick�s case, with his stupid as sin girlfriend. Is it sad that I�d rather him be trapped in a well? At least that way he wouldn�t get into trouble.  
  
  
  
I pulled into his driveway and was surprised to see Kevin leaning against his car and looking at his watch. Now I was worried. I quickly got out and ran towards Kev, �What�s going on?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing much�I just rang the doorbell but no one answered.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�I thought something happened.� He looked surprised by my worry. True I did a good job of usually holding in those kinds of emotions. I worried about the guys a lot, almost as much as Kevin. The only difference between the two of us was I didn�t lecture or yell that often. I did worry though.  
  
  
  
�Why would you think that?� Now he looked worried.  
  
  
  
�Just I tried calling him several times and he hasn�t answered his phone. When I saw you here I panicked.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, he invited me out with the two of you.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, that seemed very unlike Nicky but I was happy he did it. However, the fact that we were being blown off wasn�t too smart of young Nickolas where Kevin was concerned.  
  
  
  
�He doesn�t happen to have a well in the backyard does he?�  
  
  
  
Kevin looked over at me and shook his head as if that was the most normal, everyday question he has ever heard.  
  
  
  
�Paris probably came home early and they probably went out.� He sounded disgusted and annoyed.  
  
  
  
�His truck is here though.� That�s what made me nervous. If his truck wasn�t here I wouldn�t care, I�d be annoyed that I was blown off but at least Kevin and I could do something. It�s not like I had to break earth shattering plans for him or anything but still, the fact that his car was in the driveway made me uneasy. Visions of the boy lying in a pool of blood on his kitchen floor suddenly hit me.  
  
  
  
�Did you try knocking?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, several times in fact.�  
  
  
  
I walked up to the door and rang the bell, �Nicky! Are you in there?�  
  
  
  
�Howie I did that too. He�s not there dude. We have been stood up.�  
  
  
  
�Damn� I can�t believe he did it again after apologizing today and everything.�  
  
  
  
�Really? You are that surprised? I�m not. Nick gets like a moron when he�s with a girl D. I just hope he didn�t meet up with whoever gave him a black eye.�  
  
  
  
�What black eye?�  
  
  
  
�Oh come on Howie, don�t tell me you didn�t know he was covering up a black eye today.� Okay I must be the most na�ve person on the planet because I had no idea what the heck he was talking about.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t even look to be honest.�  
  
  
  
Kevin laughed, �You�re kids are going to get away with murder Howie. I can see it now.�  
  
  
  
Yeah, I would argue with him, but he was right about that. I�m not really the most observant person on the planet. �Who do you think did that to him?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know.�  
  
  
  
�Should we be worried?� I asked in all honesty, ready to call the police. I know I�m being irrational but it�s Nick. If anyone could manage to get themselves in trouble in a two hour time span it was him.  
  
  
  
�No, let�s try his cell one more time. We could always break in if we need to. In fact�� Kevin walked over to the front door and tried the knob and of course it opened right away. �I can�t believe this kid�Jesus Christ. He left the door unlocked.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head but was also relieved that we were going inside. There on the coffee table was his cell phone on vibrate so it couldn�t be heard.  
  
  
  
�Nicky!� I screamed into the kind of cluttered place. Okay really cluttered but not as bad as I thought it would be considering that AJ and Nick were sharing this place.  
  
  
  
We both looked up at the stairs when we heard footsteps. �Nick?� Kevin said forcefully and grabbing a fire poker as a weapon just in case.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?� Instantly we both let out sighs of relief.  
  
  
  
�Why the hell aren�t you answering your phone OR your door? Did you forget about us?� Kevin asked, slowly putting down the fire poker. Why Nick had a fire poker and no fire place will always remain a mystery I guess.  
  
  
  
�How did you get in here?� He was wet and in his sweats and his hair up all over the place, symbolizing he had just taken a nap.  
  
  
  
�You left the door unlocked. A mass murderer could have just walked right in here.�  
  
  
  
�Or you.�  
  
  
  
�Yes� or me.� Kevin shook his head as Nick walked over to the couch totally unaffected and unaware of the scare he gave his two oldest brothers.  
  
  
  
�Have a seat guys, sorry I�m running late. I was cleaning up and then fell asleep.�  
  
  
  
�You cleaned? This is what this place looks like after you clean? What did it look like before?� I had to smile. A night out with Kevin and Nick would be even more amusing than I remembered them to be.  
  
  
  
�Trust me; it�s a lot better than it was. At least you are sitting on the couch. That�s a huge improvement.� Now that I got a better look at him, I did notice the big bruise on his eye. How on earth did I miss that before?  
  
  
  
�Nick, what happened to the eye?�  
  
  
  
He gingerly placed his hand on it, �Oh, this? I walked into a wall.�  
  
  
  
�It�s sad that I believe that right?� I asked Kevin who nodded at me.  
  
  
  
�So, where are you guys taking me for dinner?�  
  
  
  
�Taking you?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t aware we were taking you out for dinner.�  
  
  
  
�Well duh! Of course you are. Now, I�m hungry so where are we going?�  
  
  
  
�Well since we are taking you out, I think maybe we should go try out that new Indian place what do you think Howie? You know they have all of those neat dishes.�  
  
  
  
I played along and nodded, actually I would be fine with Indian food but I know that was to turn off the blonde. �Um�okay on second thought we can all pay separately and I want Chinese.� And of course it worked.  
  
  
  
Kevin looked over at me, �Does that work for you Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Fine by me.�  
  
  
  
�Okay Chinese it is. Let�s go, I�m starving�and Nick lock your damn door!� He bat Nick on the back of the head just as we walked out. Yes this would be a very fun night.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
We were sitting on our front porch swing, the one that my wife insisted we have on our house, even if to us this was just a temporary placement, when suddenly AJ let out a huge and I mean huge burp. I laughed, I couldn�t help it. The boy in me would always laugh when someone burped or farted.  
  
  
  
�Nice one Bone.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks�your wife really knows how to cook.�  
  
  
  
�Actually our cook really knows how to cook. Don�t tell Leighanne I said that though, otherwise I�ll never see my bed again.�  
  
  
  
�Now I have a bribe point I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Damn.� I started rocking us back and forth under the stars. It would have been very romantic if AJ wasn�t here and Leighanne was but there was nothing romantic about AJ, at least not to me.  
  
  
  
�I don�t think your wife likes Nick very much.�  
  
  
  
�Why do you say that?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, just gathered from some of the things she said at dinner.�  
  
  
  
Leighanne ranted about Nick the entire dinner, about how AJ should throw his ass onto the street for blowing him off and leaving liquor lying around the house etc�I could tell it was making Bone uncomfortable and it was kind of embarrassing me. The thing about Leigh was she was just passionate about things and cared very deeply for the people around her.  
  
  
  
�She doesn�t hate Nick; she was just upset with him.�  
  
  
  
�He doesn�t leave liquor at the house, that�s one thing I have to give him credit for. As much as he drinks, he never brings any of it in the house.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�  
  
  
  
I was happy to hear that and not surprised either. Even though Nick likes to party, he also knows how hard it is for AJ to remain sober. AJ�s addictions were very hard on him, more so than anyone else I think.  
  
  
  
Leighanne came outside carrying Baylee in his pajamas. My son stretched his arms out to me and I took him into my own. �He wanted to come out and say goodnight to his uncle AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Night.� Baylee mimicked his mother�s words.  
  
  
  
�Good night little Bayster.� AJ said leaning over and kissing my son on top of the head.  
  
  
  
�Night Night Jay Jay.� He answered, giving my friend a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It warmed me to see AJ with my son; he was tender and caring towards him. He�ll make a great father someday.  
  
  
  
�Are you coming to tuck your son in?� My sweetheart asked me as I stood up with my son in my arms.  
  
  
  
I looked over at AJ as he pulled out a cigarette, �Go ahead Rok; it�ll give me some time to smoke.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right back.�  
  
  
  
�Take your time.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him and made my way inside with my wife and my child. I was hoping that Leigh wasn�t mad anymore. I kind of got the impression that she still was, especially at dinner when I didn�t agree with her but only sat silently as she went on and on about Nick.  
  
  
  
We walked into my son�s Wiggles themed room; yes he loved them a lot, and laid him down on his bed/crib. I sat there and listened at Leigh read him Goodnight Moon. We took turns reading to him, even when they were in Atlanta I would read him a book over the phone. It was a tradition I never intended to break.  
  
  
  
As soon as she was done, I sang my son a lullaby and watched as he closed his eyes and went to sleep. My absolute favorite time of the day was happening right here. As soon as we heard the small snores, we both quietly left his room and descended the stairs. I grabbed my wife�s hand for a second and pulled her towards me.  
  
  
  
�Are we okay now? Or should I get the blankets out for another night on the couch?�  
  
  
  
�I never told you that you had to sleep on the couch in the first place. That was your doing.�  
  
  
  
�You didn�t answer my question babe.�  
  
  
  
She smiled at me, �We�re good.�  
  
  
  
I kissed her lips and gave her a hug, �I love you.�  
  
  
  
�I love you too. Now don�t stay out too late, you have an early morning.�  
  
  
  
�I know Leigh.� She grabbed my butt and walked into the kitchen and I walked outside to hang out with AJ.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Dinner was good, we laughed a lot about stupid things and I�m not sure how, but I ended up paying for Nick just like I always did. I�m sure it was a force of habit from his younger days when his parents always horded his money. The kid never had two nickels to rub together, so it was me who always paid for him. I�m still expecting his parents to one day send me a check for all of those meals, events etc� that I paid for. I know�wishful thinking.  
  
  
  
After dinner, we went back to Nick�s very messy place and put in a DVD that we only half watched as we continued to talk. Howie told us all about his nightclub and hotels, his up and down romance with Leigh and his family. Nick on the other hand, talked about his solo thing, more in retrospect, telling us some of the crap Jive did to him as well as his management.  
  
  
  
I talked about Kris and I and living in New York. It was weird but it was almost like an interview of sorts. Things I know we will be asked over and over again when we finally start doing promo but it was nice hearing things for the first time. I�m sure when we get to the promo part we�ll be able to recite what each of us has done in our sleep.  
  
  
  
Never once did Nick bring up Paris and never once did either of us ask. I�m not sure if he was disappointed about that or relieved but I know I was happy. One thing I did notice about our youngest member as we all talked and he sat on his floor with his hands behind him holding him up slant wise, was how relaxed and calm he seemed. I have to say I haven�t really seen him that calm and relaxed in a long time. I know we made him feel safe, and that always confused me, but the hiatus made me realize why we were his safety net.  
  
  
  
We were his brothers...really.  
  
  
  
AJ walked in at around midnight, we had all lost track of the time. �Wow it�s a full fledged party in here.�  
  
  
  
�Hey boner!� He laughed and looked down at Nick on the floor.  
  
  
  
�Wow�dude, you actually cleaned?�  
  
  
  
As soon as that was said, Nick looked over at me, �See? I told you it was messy.�  
  
  
  
�WAS messy?� Howie asked taking a sip of his iced tea.  
  
  
  
�Whatever dude�move over.� AJ replied, batting at Howie�s legs and pushing him over so he could sit down.  
  
  
  
�This is like the old times isn�t it?�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?� I asked him, not sure where he was going with that.  
  
  
  
�When we used to like each other enough to hang even when we weren�t being forced to.�  
  
  
  
All of us laughed, �Yeah, I guess so. Did you guys have fun?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah Nick, we had a blast. Actually Baylee has this awesome coloring book�I stole one.� He went behind his back and pulled out a coloring book and from his jeans pocket a crayon.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God, tell me you did not steal a coloring book from a baby AJ.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t steal it Kevin, more like borrowed it. You have to see this!� He immediately started drawing with the one crayon which managed to magically change colors as it went from scene to scene.  
  
  
  
�Ahh you have to let me try that!� Nick said of course as he grabbed the crayon out of AJ�s hand and went to work on another picture. That child is so grabby!  
  
  
  
�Yes ladies and gentleman, what the Backstreet Boys really do when no one is watching.� Howie said which cracked us all up as we sat and watched the youngest bonehead color with a magical crayon way into the early morning hours.  
  
  



	19. Chapter 19

****

**19  
  
  
  
  
  
It�s not all Sunshine, Roses and Lollipops**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I can�t believe I was the one that was late! I am never late, well okay�maybe that�s not entirely true, back when I was younger I tended to run late for things, but once I hit the big 3-0 I barely was late for anything anymore. If I was late all the time, I never would have made that late fee to begin with. But there I was, coming in almost an entire hour later than I should have.  
  
  
  
I blame my alarm clock, the stupid thing managed to keep hitting snooze and preventing me from waking up. Okay, so maybe that does sound like something Nick would say, truthfully it was Kris.  
  
  
  
She surprised me with a visit and was sitting on the bed in the lingerie I had bought for her what felt like forever ago. It was so great seeing her, feeling her, touching and kissing her again. I have to admit; sometimes I was worried about committing completely to marriage. Only those closest to me would probably agree with that statement because to the rest of the world and my fans in particular, I was cool, responsible Kevin. Only a select few knew me for the sometimes fuck up that I could be.  
  
  
  
Kris and I had a very rocky relationship and both of us were unfaithful at times when we dated but the thing is, despite all that, we always ended up together. So, after having a heart to heart about marriage with my older brother, I finally just went ahead and proposed, which I think has been the best decision I have ever made. I love this woman more than I thought was even humanly possible.  
  
  
  
So sue me if when my alarm went off, I decided to ignore it. Instead we both laid there in each others arms and looked up at the ceiling. Small moments like that I have missed more than anything. Just lying quiet in each other�s arms, no need for talking as long as we had each other�s breathing to listen to. They�d just have to deal with me being a little late. Although, I think I�m the only one annoyed with the fact that I was late to begin with.  
  
  
  
By the time I finally arrived at the studio, the guys had already laid down a few tracks of some songs that various people had written. They were good, but very R& Bish. As I walked in and shook off my jacket, Nick was the only one that commented on my lateness, just as I expected he would. �So�what charity is getting your money?�  
  
  
  
�Mine of course�what�s this that we�re listening to?�  
  
  
  
�A song we just put down�can I be honest?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Nick�can you?� He rolled his eyes at my little sarcastic joke.  
  
  
  
�I don�t think it�s us. I mean we have recorded three R & B songs already and I haven�t liked any of them. I don�t want to go in this direction for the album.� I looked at him and at first was surprised by what I saw. It wasn�t this wishy washy kid who never really cared about what we did as long as we got done so he could play his video games or go out or whatever, but instead I saw someone who really had an opinion and was going to stand by it. I liked what I saw, I was proud of what I saw minus the hint of the bruise still lingering on his eye from a few days ago.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, what do you guys think?� I could tell maybe there was already a heated debate about the topic going on before I came, by the way Howie�s head hung down when I asked the question.  
  
  
  
�I like them, I think the first one was kind of boring and had no melody but the other two I like.� Brian finally admitted.  
  
  
  
�But they all sound so typical you know what I mean? I was hoping we could go more rock on this album.�  
  
  
  
I put my hand on Nick�s shoulder, �We said we�d try a little bit of everything so let�s do that. I�m not sure I like these songs either, at least what I�ve heard of them but I think it�s too soon to push them aside.�  
  
  
  
�But��  
  
  
  
�Nick, open mind�remember?� He nodded his head in silent defeat. The kid wore his emotions on his sleeve. Maybe that�s why it was so easy for everyone in the universe to take advantage of him.  
  
  
  
�Kris is in town.� I decided to blurt out since no one even wondered why I�d be running so late.  
  
  
  
�Wow, that was a surprise huh? I know if you expected her, that�s all we would have heard about.� I bat Nick on the head as I made my way over to the small table where our everyday ritual of donuts and coffee sat waiting for me. This was a bad ritual, one that we need to do away with if we are going to get back into shape, but for now I will indulge.  
  
  
  
�It was a surprise; she has three days off so I have her for three whole days. So, if you guys don�t mind I might cut out a little early today.�  
  
  
  
�It�s fine by me.� AJ said. He had been quiet up until now, so much so I didn�t even realize he was in the room.  
  
  
  
I made sure to look him up and down, just like I did with anyone who acted out of character. �Everything okay over there?�  
  
  
  
He looked my way and nodded, �Fine, but I�m going out for a smoke.�  
  
  
  
He got up and left the room, I started to follow but was stopped by Brian, �Don�t man. He�s just having a down day. He called his sponsor�� That was enough of an explanation for me.  
  
  
  
AJ grew very close to his sponsor after he and Sarah finally called it quits. I was glad he had someone to turn to who had been there just like he was. Most importantly, he was older and more grounded and I think that�s really what AJ needed most in his life. People who would anchor him back down to the ground. I�m glad that he had that in his life, I wish we all did.  
  
  
  
�Well, can I hear what we have done so far this morning?�  
  
  
  
�What WE have done?� I shook my head at the blonde, he�s going to milk this for all it�s worth, but I�ll let him.  
  
  
  
�Yes, whatever just play it back for me bonehead!� Brian laughed and watched as Nick hit the playback button and the sounds of what they had done earlier came blaring through the speakers.  
  
  
  
Nick was right, I didn�t much like the direction we were going in either, but I decided that I would keep an open mind with everything we did for this album. We had to get it exactly right.  
  
  
  
After the song was over, I should have made a comment about it but instead I found myself going back to AJ, �Maybe someone should go out there�make sure he�s okay?�  
  
  
  
Nick pushed back his chair, �I�ll go, I can use some fresh air anyway.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah like you really need more air in that air head of yours!�  
  
  
  
�Hey! Did you guys just hear that? Howie was being mean to me. See? Everyone thinks you�re so nice but I know better.� He wagged his finger at Howie which made Howie move in to bite it.  
  
  
  
Why do I hang out with these people?  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I casually made my way out back towards AJ. I could tell he was having a bad day by how he looked when he got up this morning. Usually AJ is tailor made and ready to go by the time my ass gets out of bed, but today he looked like a wreck�aka�like how I normally look.  
  
  
  
We made small talk over breakfast, which consisted of Fruit Loops for me and cold pizza for him, but not very much was said one way or another. I have learned over the years to pick up little signs here and there. Probably because I�m a guy who tends to think that when there is an overabundance of silence in a room, it tends to be my fault. Back when I was a kid, I�d get so paranoid; convinced the reason for the silence was because everyone was talking about me prior to my entrance. The guys would only take that and use it against me, pretending they had just got done saying something horrible about me and then winking at each other. Good lord then they wonder why I�m so messed up. It�s all their fault!  
  
  
  
The old me would have mistook AJ�s silence as anger towards me, but luckily I�ve pretty much grown out of that phase, or maybe I�m just too lazy to care. Anyway�I knew something wasn�t right with him. I heard him on the phone with Rana and even though part of me was hurt he couldn�t tell me the things he was telling his sponsor, another part was happy he had Rana to talk to in the first place.  
  
  
  
I wish I had that, someone to talk to when I felt like my world was coming to an end. This seems to be the new phase I have entered into, the �I�m jealous of everything that AJ has� phase. True I could go see a therapist but dude, why in the world would anyone pay someone to listen to their problems? I mean if I�m going to spend money on someone I don�t know to sit with me for an hour, I�m going to get a friggin hooker, not a therapist. I could always spew out my problems to some random ho and feel better.  
  
  
  
But then again why in the hell am I thinking about whores when I have a girlfriend who I love very much? Wow my mind�s really wandering all over the place today. What the hell was I even doing?  
  
  
  
I stopped in the hall to briefly ponder where the heck I was going and was about to turn around and head into the studio again, when I remembered AJ. Duh!  
  
  
  
Ever since Paris and I started dating, I have been almost senile with everything else in my life. It�s like I can�t function without being around her. The scariest part of that? I�m still not even entirely sure how I really feel about her. There are times I look at her and think �she�s the one� and then other times I think �wow and I thought I was messed up.� It�s so weird how women always have a way of doing that to me, weird and annoying.  
  
  
  
But yes, getting back to AJ�  
  
  
  
I know it�s weird, but sometimes I think he�s the only one that totally gets me and me him, at least as far as the group goes. Maybe it�s because he was young when we started to, although we really didn�t always get along back then. AJ and I really started to get super tight at around the time when Black and Blue came out. He never much ever gave me the time of day before that, but suddenly when he would want to go out and smoke or drink; it was me he motioned for to follow him.  
  
  
  
  
  
I�d sit there next to him as he spewed out all of these random things about, sex, life, money, you name it and he would go on and on about it in detail. I think he felt safe telling me these things because he knew his secrets were safe with me. He could tell me he got so drunk that he woke up next to a dumpster and know that the next day I wouldn�t be banging on his door to go get help.  
  
  
  
I feel bad about that but I was so young back then, I mean emotionally more than age wise. I was well aware that AJ was drinking a bit too much and probably doing other things as well, but it was just better if I didn�t admit it to myself.  
  
  
  
I know that probably sounds like a horrible reason for us getting closer but, I am thankful that we did because I felt like out of everyone, maybe he understands me best as well.  
  
  
  
I opened up the back door, and there he was leaning up against the gate smoking and texting someone. �Seems like this little area right here is our home away from home.�  
  
  
  
He looked up at me when I said that. I guess it was an odd way to start a conversation but nothing he isn�t used to. I�m an odd guy; we all know this about me. �Yeah, I guess.� He answered sounding very unexcited about the sudden company.  
  
  
  
�What are you doing?�  
  
  
  
�What does it look like I�m doing?�  
  
  
  
�It looks like you�re being antisocial.�  
  
  
  
�Well, I WAS trying to achieve that before you came out here.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, what�s the matter?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing.�  
  
  
  
�You seem off today, is everything okay?�  
  
  
  
He took a final swig of his cigarette and then tossed it on the ground and stepped on it, �It�s okay to have a bad day Carter, I mean hell knows you can be a moody son of a bitch from time to time as well.�  
  
  
  
�Okay no need to get all testy dude, I was just asking.�  
  
  
  
He had that vicious look on his face, he seldom got like that. AJ was a pussycat and had the least temper out of all of us. I know that might shock some people but seriously it�s true, except when he got like this. I could tell he was in rare form so I decided to maybe go back inside. At least you can�t say I didn�t try.  
  
  
  
�You know, I�ve been thinking about things�� Uh oh too late.  
  
  
  
�Yeah? What kind of things?�  
  
  
  
�About our living arrangement and I really think maybe its time you find your own place.�  
  
  
  
That took me by surprise. It was unexpected and totally out of left field. �Yeah dude�sure, no problem. Did I do anything wrong?�  
  
  
  
�No, it�s just that I want a place of my own.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�okay. I�ll start looking today when we get out of here.� He nodded at me but now I was paranoid and worried.  
  
  
  
I mean two things could be going on here, one � he could be trying to get me away from him because he wants to start using again and doesn�t want any witnesses�or two- he hates me. Wow, I didn�t much like any of those choices.  
  
  
  
While I stood there trying to figure out what the hell just happened, AJ managed to go back inside but now it was me that stayed out there wishing I had a sponsor to call, maybe I�ll just call Paris instead. I suddenly felt so alone and I hated feeling alone.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I hated days like this, one minute everything is fine and dandy then the next, I�m low as low can be. I was warned about those kinds of days while in rehab and in therapy. The one big mistake I used to make which is what had caused me to relapse the first time around was I would just seclude myself from everyone. I tend to still want to do that now and it�s a struggle for me not to just turn around, get in the car and go home.  
  
  
  
I�m not even sure what triggered this mood swing, maybe just lack of a good night�s sleep, being in the studio again or simply not having a girlfriend. Whatever the case, I shouldn�t have taken it out on Nick. I felt horrible for dropping that rooming thing on him and just as I suspected he would, he looked like a wounded puppy.  
  
  
  
�I suck.�  
  
  
  
�Why did you just say that?� Howie asked me as I walked into the studio. I hadn�t realized I said that out loud.  
  
  
  
�I just told Nick about the rooming thing.�  
  
  
  
He looked at me and nodded, �How did he take it?�  
  
  
  
�He looked confused and upset.�  
  
  
  
�Well, he always looks confused but I�m sure he�ll get over it though.�  
  
  
  
�I kind of just dropped it on him out of nowhere. I feel bad.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t�� He placed his hand on my shoulder, �You did the right thing.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah maybe, but not for the right reason.�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay?� I nodded at my friend, the guy I had known longer than anyone else in the room. It�s weird to think how much we have truly gone through together. Sometimes it hit me out of nowhere, kind of like this depression. All of the sudden, you�re hit with an overwhelming sense of love for a friend; I grabbed Howie into a hug which kind of surprised him.  
  
  
  
�What was that for?�  
  
  
  
�Just for caring.�  
  
  
  
Howie laughed and winked at me.  
  
  
  
�Nice to know that he gets a hug and I get the boot. Seems like two very different ways to show you care about someone.� We both turned to the sound of Nick�s voice and even though he had a smile on his face and even laughed when he said it, I knew better. He meant every word.  
  
  
  
�Come here Kaos�let me give you a hug too.� I walked over and grabbed him in a huge hug. �You know I love you man, the moving out thing is more about me than you.�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God it�s not like we�re breaking up AJ, don�t give me the �it�s not you it�s me� speech.�  
  
  
  
I laughed and bat him on the head but he still looked sad. Call me crazy but I hated when I made the kid sad. Seems out of my character I know, but it�s true.  
  
  
  
�Besides, it appears that this has been a hot topic anyway huh?� That�s when I realized maybe he was standing in the room a little longer than I had assumed.  
  
  
  
�Why do you say that?� I asked him, but he was looking over at Howie.  
  
  
  
�Nicky��  
  
  
  
�Whatever, you�re right. I mean AJ shouldn�t be around me, after all I am the fuck up.�  
  
  
  
�Jesus, no one even said anything like that�� I was quick to say but he wasn�t listening, at least he wasn�t hearing what either Howie or I were saying.  
  
  
  
Nick smiled once again, �I�m going back in to record some more of this shitty R and B crap now. Try not to talk about me too much.�  
  
  
  
�Nicky�� Nick really knew how to lay it on when he wanted to, especially when Howie was concerned. When Nick made his exit, Howie turned to me and had this awful look on his face. �Wow I just keep pissing everyone off these days.�  
  
  
  
�He�ll get over it D, he�s a drama queen.�  
  
  
  
�Says the man with the polished nails.�  
  
  
  
�Touch�.�  
  
  
  
Howie answered with another wink and then grew serious for a minute, �You know AJ, if you need to talk, you can always come to me. Just don�t feel like you need to shut us out okay?�  
  
  
  
�I know Howie, I�m okay really. I just woke up in a bad mood.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�good, we better go in and try to get some tracks down.�  
  
  
  
�Yes and maybe we should treat Carter for lunch or something.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, once we mention food he�ll forget about everything.�  
  
  
  
�Man, he really is a puppy dog isn�t he?� We both laughed and walked back into the main studio where Nick was blaring through the speakers.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I looked up from the console when AJ and Howie walked into the control room and smiled at them. AJ looked a little better and I was happy about that. He had me worried when he was down, but seems like whatever Nick said to him did the trick. That made me look over through the glass window at Nicky. He was nailing his part and I just felt so proud of him. Even though he hated what he was singing, when he actually did try it, you�d think he was born to the music.  
  
  
  
�He�s sounding great, maybe he likes this one?� I looked over at my cousin and shook my head.  
  
  
  
�No he hates it.�  
  
  
  
�I hate it too.�  
  
  
  
I half laughed, �Yeah me too.�  
  
  
  
�There have to be better songs than this to choose from right?� I looked over at AJ and shrugged.  
  
  
  
�Howie�s song was awesome, maybe we should start recording the ones we wrote and shy away from some of this other stuff.�  
  
  
  
�That�s a good idea Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Howie, I get a few of those a year.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah because at this point we might as well call our album Backstreet Boys put the world to sleep one slow and boring song at a time.�  
  
  
  
�Hey great title Howie, I like it!� I golf clapped at him.  
  
  
  
Nick came out of the booth a few minutes later to the sound of applause from me and Kevin. �Good job little man.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, when are you going to stop calling me that?�  
  
  
  
�How�s never sound to you?�  
  
  
  
�This song sucks ass guys. Really, we need to do something else.�  
  
  
  
�I have a song.� We all looked over at AJ as he continued, �I�ve been working on one for a little while, I�ll make a scratch of it and bring it in tomorrow for us to look at. If you like it we can use it, if not ah well, at least I tried.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent, well gentleman should we order some lunch?� I asked looking at my watch while my stomach growled.  
  
  
  
�I feel like I just ate breakfast.�  
  
  
  
�You did Kevin, but the rest of us who were here on time are ready for lunch.�  
  
  
  
�Shut the hell up Nick.�  
  
  
  
�What do we feel like eating?� AJ asked, �It�s my treat since I�ve been a butthead today.�  
  
  
  
I glanced down at the ground and smiled, feeling a huge sense of relief wash over me.  
  
  
  
�You can count me out; I am meeting up with Paris for lunch.�  
  
  
  
�Nicky��  
  
  
  
�Look at is this way Howie, at least you guys can talk about me and not worry about me overhearing you.� He grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulder, �See ya guys in a little bit.�  
  
  
  
When he left the room I was baffled so I looked over to Howie hoping since the comment was directed at him, he would be able to tell me what the heck that was all about.  
  
  
  
�What was that all about?� Kevin beat me to it though.  
  
  
  
�He overheard AJ and I talking about him.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, was it bad?�  
  
  
  
�I asked him to move out and basically he heard us talking about it and knows that we have all mentioned it at one point or another.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, yeah that�s pretty bad.� I felt guilty, even though I had nothing to do with it.  
  
  
  
�He�ll get over it.� I assured them knowing that he really wouldn�t. He�d hide it in the same place he hides all of his feelings. That place scared me.  
  
  
  
�Sure he will.� And once again, my cousin was thinking the same thing.  
  
  
  
�Does she even eat you think?� We all looked over at Howie and busted out laughing.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I know they all laughed when I asked that question, but I was dead serious. I mean the girl was the size of a toothpick; no one could be that small and eat real food. I was convinced she had some kind of eating disorder. Great just what Nick needs to surround himself with. Wow, I really didn�t like this girl at all.  
  
  
  
And what was with me suddenly always pissing off my band mates? I am supposedly the nice and sweet one but so far I have managed to genuinely tick off almost all of these guys already. The only one I didn�t seem to piss off was Kevin, but I�m sure within time I�ll manage to do that as well.  
  
  
  
�So do we want to order in pizza or something?� I glanced over at Kevin and nodded.  
  
  
  
�I really didn�t mean to make him upset.�  
  
  
  
�We know Howie�it happens; besides he was more upset about me than you.�  
  
  
  
�Still�I don�t want him thinking that all we do is talk about him when he�s not here.�  
  
  
  
�Like we�re doing right now you mean?�  
  
  
  
Brian�s tone was sarcastic and fatherly. I know he hated when we did stuff like that. He was one to usually stay out of stuff like that, but then again so was I.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, let�s stop. So�anyone have any thoughts to whether or not we should use some of Max�s songs?�  
  
  
  
�I thought we were going to stay away from the overly poppy stuff. I love Max, don�t get me wrong but you know what I mean?� And I did know exactly what Brian meant. After Black and Blue and while we were discussing album concepts and ideas we all kind of decided that the days of Max Martin songs was long over. If we wanted to show everyone we had staying power and were maturing and growing with every album, the way to do that would be to go with a new sound. That direction didn�t include Max unfortunately. After hearing some of the garbage we were getting though, I was beginning to have second thoughts.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we shouldn�t count him totally out just yet.� I said.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I think Howie�s right about that.� I smiled at Kevin.  
  
  
  
�I bet Nick will be happy to hear that.� AJ said as he opened up a bottle of water.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, too bad he already stole I Got You though. That song would have been awesome for this album!� I had to laugh at Kevin; he loved that song a lot!  
  
  
  
�Yeah, the little shit!� AJ was quick to agree.  
  
  
  
�We�re talking about him again.� Brian said looking at us and shaking his head.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we�re all just obsessed with the kid.� Kevin added.  
  
  
  
�Yeah us and about a gazillion other people.� I felt the need to add that on there before diverting the attention off of Nick and back to food.  
  
  
  
�So Pizza Hut or Dominoes?�  
  
  
  
I laughed as they all yelled out something different. �Why can�t anything ever be easy?�  
  



	20. Chapter 20

****

**20  
  
  
  
So that�s why God invented Garbage Bags and Backpacks**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat there and watched as Nick meticulously packed up his stuff. I have no idea why I used the word meticulous� unless of course it means to throw things around the room in total disorder and chaos. Truth is I just wanted to use a big word and that one was the first thing that popped into my head. I have no freaking idea what it means.  
  
  
  
Anyway, he was making a mess and there I sat watching him as if Nick packing was a new extreme sport. I still felt bad for asking him to leave, not necessarily asking him to go, but more the way I did it.  
  
  
  
That day, he came back a little late (of course) and said he had already found a place to stay. Paris told him that he could stay with her and her sister until he got a place of his own so as soon as he could he�d be out of my hair�what little I had left of it. Smartass!  
  
  
  
I saw the looks on both Howie and Kevin�s faces when he mentioned living with his girlfriend. I swear Kevin must have opened his mouth to say something about it ten times in the span of a few minutes but decided against it. We all knew that it wasn�t going to be a good thing. Hopefully he won�t take too long to get a place of his own though.  
  
  
  
�You need any help?�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me as he threw some of his boxers into a garbage bag. Yes I said garbage bag. This kid has money and yet not one single suitcase to his name. The only ones he ever used were Kevin�s hand me downs and that�s only because Kevin would scream at him about not having a set of his own luggage.  
  
  
  
�How can you travel as much as you do and not own a set of luggage? I mean not even a carry on?�  
  
  
  
�That�s why God invented garbage bags and backpacks AJ�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I said��  
  
  
  
�I know that you said, I heard you, I was just whatting because it made no sense.�  
  
  
  
�Whatting is not a word.�  
  
  
  
�Gee thanks Nick, I forgot you are a walking thesaurus...or should I say thersouiosnesslessly.� He gave me the finger but I was quite satisfied with my witty comeback.  
  
  
  
  
  
�And no, I don�t need any help, but if you would be so kind to toss me over that blanket I would appreciate it.�  
  
  
  
I grabbed the blanket that some fan had made him and threw it over his way. I was amazed at how much junk we had in this place from the fans. They would be so proud to know we actually use a lot of the shit they gave to us. Now if only one of them would throw a set of luggage on stage we�d be in business.  
  
  
  
�Nick, are you sure it�s a good idea to live with Paris?�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me as he was balling his blanket into one of his garbage bags. Somewhere I�m sure Kevin suddenly felt compelled to roll his eyes just because of the way Nicky was folding his stuff. Not folding but�balling.  
  
  
  
�Seems like I don�t have much of a choice.�  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you?�  
  
  
  
�Because apparently I am not wanted here.� I shook my head at the little drama queen, but instantly felt guilty. Damn him!  
  
  
  
�Nick, I�m sorry�I didn�t mean to ask you the way I did.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, it�s really all good, I�m just saying don�t throw my ass out and then object to where I choose to live.� Okay he had a good point.  
  
  
  
�I know that Nicky, but�it�s not like you have to live with someone. Hell if you wanted to buy a house right now on the spot you could. Just be careful.� But I had a good point too.  
  
  
  
�I love Paris man; I really think she may be the one.�  
  
  
  
�Just remember what it was like for you when you lived with Mandy.�  
  
  
  
His entire demeanor changed with that one word. �She was different. We were both young and retarded.�  
  
  
  
Okay AJ don�t say what you�re thinking�for the love of God�  
  
  
  
�Just be careful Kaos, I mean�you tend to jump into things head first without thinking about them.� Good boy AJ.  
  
  
  
�Like you don�t?� He was getting defensive.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say I don�t�we are talking about you.�  
  
  
  
�NO, you are talking about me, would you feel better if Howie was here? I know you much rather talk about me to him than me.�  
  
  
  
Such a smartass this kid, I swear to God. I decided to just drop it, what�s the sense of fighting right now anyway? Instead I grabbed his guitar and started strumming on it as he continued to pack his stuff into bags.  
  
  
  
�You know kid; you have gotten pretty good on this thing.� I figured I�d offer him a nice compliment to make up for throwing him out on the street, although I was throwing him out to one of the richest girls in the universe, who was also hot as hell. Why do I feel bad again?  
  
  
  
�Thanks AJ.� He smiled up at me, �And when are you going to stop calling me kid?�  
  
  
  
�When you stop acting like one all the damn time?�  
  
  
  
�Did you ever return that coloring book to Baylee?� He raised his eyebrow and smirked at me after he asked that question.  
  
  
  
�Oh, so what? I stole it for you to play with!�  
  
  
  
�Riiiight, sure you did.�  
  
  
  
�And no, Brian told me I could keep it.� Not that I would color on it anymore though� just wanted to make that clear.  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to worry about me AJ; I�m not just jumping into things. I actually put a lot of thought into it before I said yes to moving in with her and like I said, it�s only temporary.�  
  
  
  
�Okay Nick, it�s just that��  
  
  
  
�I know�you worry. You all think I�m this stupid dumbass that can�t do anything right.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, that�s not true dude. It�s just that you are na�ve as all hell at least when it comes to some things.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, like me thinking it was okay to live with you.� Again with the guilt complex.  
  
  
  
�Quit it kid.� And lucky for me I was saved by the bell�doorbell that is. Yeah, that was corny even for me.  
  
  
  
�Well you gonna get it or what?� He asked me after I just sat there for a few seconds and gave the person another chance to ring.  
  
  
  
I got up and ran to the door and there was Howie, �I was surprised it was locked.� He said as I greeted him.  
  
  
  
�That�s not me, that�s the bonehead in there�you know the one who is packing using garbage bags.�  
  
  
  
�I HEARD THAT!� He screamed from his bedroom and I couldn�t help but smile. I�m going to miss the little guy. I was already regretting asking him to leave. Now that I�d have the place to myself, I was sure I�d be lonely. Nick and I had so much in common and would stay up till all hours of the night talking about everything under the sun. Weird how you take little things like that for granted. Maybe he was my soul mate after all�oh those psycho fans who wanted us to be gay would be oh so happy! I need help�badly.  
  
  
  
Howie looked over at the doorway and then mouthed the words, �how is he?� to me as he lugged in a few suitcases and placed them at my feet. I had to laugh when I saw them. I answered him by nodding my head and then grabbed one of the bags and closed the door.  
  
  
  
Nick came walking out a few minutes later, �I thought I�d give you a few minutes to talk about me before I made an entrance, so did you get it out of your system?�  
  
  
  
Howie made his trademark, give me a break look, �No, not quite yet. I was just going to go on about what a sarcastic ass you are.�  
  
  
  
�Are those for me or are you taking my place?�  
  
  
  
Howie took a bag and handed it over to the blond who smiled in return. �Thanks Howard.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem Nicky how�s the packing coming along anyway?�  
  
  
  
�It�s coming�slowly.�  
  
  
  
�Do you need any help?�  
  
  
  
�Nah, I have it under control, I�ll be inside. Don�t forget to whisper.� Howie and I both shook our heads at him but were also both relieved by the way he was joking around. Secretly I think he might be happy about leaving and surprisingly, that made me sad.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I sat across from AJ who of course took it upon himself to start smoking. I swear, he doesn�t do that until I am around him. They both live to annoy me. �What�s up D?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at him, truth was I was bored out of my mind and knew they�d both be home and of course I knew the Nicky wouldn�t have a thing to put his stuff in so I thought I�d drop in on the kiddies to see how they were doing. If they knew that Kevin, Brian and I called them that when they weren�t around I�m sure there would be hell to pay.  
  
  
  
You know it was weird really but whenever we got full on into the swing of things, I found myself always wanting to be around these guys but that�s how I am with everything, I throw myself into work. When I was at home and working with my foundation, I could spend entire hours on the phone with my people going over every little detail, planning events, coming up with ideas and working on the websites even. Same with the business I started with my brother, sometimes I would get so into the business side of things, I would lose total track of time until he dragged my butt out of the office for the day and forced me to eat something.  
  
  
  
When I was with these guys though, it didn�t feel like work. They were my second family and I just constantly needed to be around them. I am sure this will wear off in a few months but for now, I enjoy these guys even though they do make it their mission to get on my very last nerve.  
  
  
  
�You want to order a pizza? Nick and I were going to do that.�  
  
  
  
�Sure�sounds good to me.�  
  
  
  
�NICK!!� AJ screamed so loud I actually jumped. Of course he found that really funny.  
  
  
  
�WHAT?� Nick asked equally as loud.  
  
  
  
�WHAT DO YOU WANT ON THE PIZZA?�  
  
  
  
�I DON�T CARE�JUST NONE OF THOSE FISHY SHITTY, HAIRY TYPE THINGS�  
  
  
  
AJ turned towards me, �Fishy, shitty, hairy typed things?�  
  
  
  
�He means anchovies.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�ewww�EWWW LIKE I WOULD ORDER THOSE!�  
  
  
  
�WHATEVER YOU WANT DUDE.�  
  
  
  
�Your neighbors must love you guys. Do you always just randomly scream to each other? I mean he�s only in the next room why don�t you just go in and talk to him?�  
  
  
  
�HOWIE THINKS I SHOULD COME IN THERE!�  
  
  
  
�WHY? DOES HE WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME TO HIMSELF?�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes and shook my head as they continued their screaming conversation, �NO HE THINKS WE ARE BEING TOO LOUD!�  
  
  
  
�WHO? US? THAT�S INSANE!!�  
  
  
  
�YEAH�I KNOW DUDE!�  
  
  
  
Nick finally walked back into the room and I shook my head at him, those two were something else�  
  
  
  
�SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?� He screamed just as loud as before and then smirked at me. �YOU KNOW AJ I THINK WE SHOULD TALK LIKE THIS FROM NOW ON. MAYBE EVEN THROUGHOUT THE NEW ALBUM!!!�  
  
  
  
�WHAT A GREAT IDEA NICKOLAS�YOU ARE A GENIUS!� Of course AJ had to do the same. Kids, I swear.  
  
  
  
Once they were sure they had accomplished the task of annoying me, they both high fived, Nick plopping down next to me and grabbing my neck in a hug to kiss my cheek and AJ once again smoking.  
  
  
  
�Nick, get off of me!�  
  
  
  
�You know you love me Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah whatever�so how�s the packing coming?�  
  
  
  
�Slowly, I have a lot of shit. I never realized I had so much shit until now. I really need to stop moving and just stay somewhere until I die.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t see you ever doing that Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�What? Settle down?� I nodded at him not sure if I had managed to offend him again. It seems like I can do it without even trying nowadays. Luckily by the smile on his face, I figured I was safe. �Yeah, I can�t see me doing that either. Ah well, maybe I�ll just hire someone to move me next time.�  
  
  
  
�Why didn�t you do that this time?�  
  
  
  
�Because I didn�t think I had this much shit�God Howie don�t you pay attention?�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m happy to say when you speak I hear the theme song to Bonanza.�  
  
  
  
�Did you hear that AJ? He�s so mean to me but everyone thinks he�s so nice. And what the fuck is Bonanza?�  
  
  
  
�It�s an old show Nicky, way before your time and in fact way before my time too.�  
  
  
  
�About?�  
  
  
  
�Cowboys.�  
  
  
  
�Okay then�you�re so weird Howie.�  
  
  
  
�I am not sure what to say to that coming from you.� He stuck his tongue out at me, he�s such a kid.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to go pack some more, let me know when the pizza guy gets here.�  
  
  
  
�Why, are you actually going to pay?� AJ asked with an air of sarcasm in his voice.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�ll pay I guess why not? Let me kick his ass out and then have him pay for his last meal with me.�  
  
  
  
�You are going to milk this for all its worth aren�t you Carter?�  
  
  
  
�AJ, you have no idea.�  
  
  
  
�Uh oh�� I decided to add since I felt left out of the conversation.  
  
  
  
Once he left I turned back to AJ who had happily stopped smoking long enough to offer me a Coke. �So what are you going to do once he leaves? It seems like the house will be very quiet without Nicky in it.�  
  
  
  
�Yes it will be and I don�t know D. To be honest, I�m starting to have second thoughts about living alone.�  
  
  
  
�You could always change your mind and ask him to stay.�  
  
  
  
He gave me this look and then huffed as he smiled. I knew what he was thinking, why would you try so hard to get me to make him leave and then ask me to have him stay? Make up your mind Howard and he would be right. I kind of was feeling the same way as him now that I saw Nicky actually packing up his bags. Maybe that was a mistake. I could tell that they probably got along really well together and now that he was leaving AJ would be alone and worse yet, Nick would be with Paris.  
  
  
  
�I think it�s probably too late for that, besides the kid seems very happy to be leaving my boring ass.�  
  
  
  
�I think he needs a boring ass to hang around with though.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, me too but I don�t see him staying; besides some of those garbage bags are already packed.�  
  
  
  
�You could maybe ask him AJ.�  
  
  
  
�I could��  
  
  
  
�You should.�  
  
  
  
He nodded but then instead of making a move to go talk to Nicky he just lit up another cigarette. Ah well, I tried I guess.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Now that I was alone, I let go of my fake happy self and once again felt a pang of worry in my stomach. I looked all around my room, full of cluttered things and couldn�t help but feel overwhelmed. I still couldn�t believe I was being kicked out. I never thought any of them would ever kick me out of their house. It was my one safety net, to know that no matter what, I always had them to fall back on. This made me realize maybe I was wrong.  
  
  
  
I mean it�s not like he even thought about it himself, they all did. They all sat together and collectively agreed that I was such a horrible person AJ should be nowhere near me. When did that happen? When did I become that person no one wants to be around?  
  
  
  
Sighing, I continued to place my junk in all the garbage bags I had thrown all over the place. Howie�s luggage still sat in the corner, for some reason I wanted to put off using it if I could.  
  
  
  
And do I really want to live with Paris? I didn�t tell the guys this but she just about grimaced when I asked her if I could stay, she made me feel like I was anything but wanted. That maybe by me being there with her, I would hinder her �socialite� image in some way. And forget about her sister, she hated the idea, I mean they full on argued about it while I sat in the living room and pretended not to hear what was being said.  
  
  
  
�He�s such a fucking loser Paris, I don�t want him here.�  
  
  
  
�Nicky it�s only for a little while.�  
  
  
  
�Why? God can�t he stay with a friend or something?�  
  
  
  
It went on and on like that and not once did Paris ever defend me, not once did she say, �He isn�t a loser, he�s my boyfriend and I love him.� It was like she was silently agreeing with every word her sister said while I just sat there unsure of what to do.  
  
  
  
I know I�m an adult, I know it�s not like I�m this poor college kid who has no money and if my girlfriend doesn�t allow me to stay with her I�ll end up in a cardboard box or anything but for me, the cardboard box was more of an analogy to my sanity. I can�t live alone, I just can�t do it.  
  
  
  
I have done it many times and every time has resulted in me having near nervous breakdowns and anxiety attacks. I have far too much on my mind at all times to enjoy the idea of solitude. I�m sure for most people they would love the idea, for me it�s a nightmare.  
  
  
  
My stomach turned and I swear I had to vomit just from nerves but I was not going to show them that. No way, if they are going to kick my ass out the last thing I want to do is let them know it bothers me. See? I knew I should have just stayed at Tommy Lee�s that very first night. Then I wouldn�t be having these problems.  
  
  
  
The thought briefly occurred to me that maybe Tommy�s place was still up for grabs. Why hadn�t I thought about that earlier? Maybe I could call him and see if it�s still available for me to live there for a bit. Yes, that would mean me being all alone but maybe I could call Bean and invite him to hang with me in LA. I mean it�s not like the guy does anything else right? I could easily get Bean a ticket here from wherever the hell he�s been being a bum. Like he would say no to staying at Tommy freaking Lee�s house?  
  
  
  
Suddenly I felt like I had been given some kind of reprieve. This way I wouldn�t agitate my girlfriend or her horrid sister and most importantly I would be out of AJ�s hair. I�m sure if it was up to them, they�d want me all the way in Tampa or something. The farther the better�damn I hate when I get like this. I get so freaking paranoid sometimes and it really sucks monkey�s balls.  
  
  
  
I looked around my room for my cell phone and when I couldn�t find it, I secretly prayed that it wasn�t in the living room. Don�t walk out that door until you know what the hell you are doing, because naturally I�d have to create some kind of story to explain why the sudden change in living arrangements. Maybe Paris was going away at the last minute�no, that wouldn�t work because we are together too often and they would probably get suspicious about that one. Oh okay I know�Tommy just happened to call me and invite me to stay at his place. I mean he�s Tommy Freaking Lee, how can I say no to him? He practically begged me to watch his house for him and after Paris cried for a few hours she finally understood� so that�s why I�m changing my plans but no worries dude, I still will be leaving so the �thank God Nick is gone� party you probably have scheduled can go on as planned.  
  
  
  
�Score one for me.� I said and smiled when I found my phone lying under a pile of laundry. I was just about to set my plan into motion when there was a light knock at my door.  
  
  
  
I placed the phone down and rolled my eyes, okay Nick time to put the happy face back on. �PIZZA?� I decided to pick up the screaming conversation from earlier. Hey it managed to annoy Howie so that was enough proof for me.  
  
  
  
�Not quite dude�� AJ said as he entered and then shut the door behind him. Suddenly I felt like maybe he was going to tell me I wasn�t packing quite fast enough for his liking and if I�m not done in an hour he�d just randomly start throwing my stuff out the window.  
  
  
  
�S�up?�  
  
  
  
�You haven�t gotten any farther have you?� He asked me in a half laugh as he sat down on my bed.  
  
  
  
�Nope I have not�actually I was just about to return a call from Tommy.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, sorry�you want me to come back?�  
  
  
  
I contemplated this briefly, did I want him to leave so I could set my plan into motion or did I want him to stay because at the moment I was feeling anxious and needed company?  
  
  
  
�Nah, it�s cool��  
  
  
  
�Okay.� And there he just sat staring at me, it was weird�.but then again this is AJ, he IS weird.  
  
  
  
�Is Howie that boring that you wanted to come in and watch me pack up my stuff? I mean I know the guy is dull but seriously AJ��  
  
  
  
He laughed and then bit on his bottom lip, �Kaos, I was wondering if�well�you�ll probably kill me but��  
  
  
  
�AJ I�m packing as fast as I can� seriously dude. I promise I�ll be out of here in an hour, I mean Paris won�t be home for another couple of hours but I�m sure I could find something to occupy my time. I mean if you want I can even skip the pizza��  
  
  
  
�What?� He seemed very surprised by what I had said but to me it seemed the most natural progression to this story. �Do you think I would really come in here and ask you to pack faster dude?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I guess not�I was only kidding. So, what�s really up then? Why would I kill you?�  
  
  
  
�You weren�t kidding�you were serious. You actually thought I�d come in here and tell you that you weren�t packing fast enough. That�s un fucken believable to me.�  
  
  
  
Okay Nick don�t lose your temper, remember not to show your emotions�no matter what you do, just smile and let it slide off your back. �Well I used to think you kicking me out of your house would have been un fucken believable too but here we are.� Dammit Nick! Ugh, if I could have slapped myself I would have.  
  
  
  
He looked at me with the weirdest expression I have ever seen on his face. I swear it was a mix of anger, pity and lust. The lust part is the one that freaked me out, but the pity part just made me mad.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry Nick.� Okay I wasn�t expecting that. I really thought we were about to have a huge blow out that would have Howie coming in and playing peacemaker and an eventual call to Kevin in which we would be lectured tirelessly about self control and the art of keeping one�s hands to oneself.  
  
  
  
I let out a breath, �Don�t be, there�s nothing to be sorry about.�  
  
  
  
�Yes there is, I don�t want you to leave.�  
  
  
  
�What?� And I really wasn�t expecting that.  
  
  
  
�Nick, I was in a bad mood that day and it just kind of came out and yes we all did talk about it, but it�s not you that was the issue, it�s me.�  
  
  
  
�Oh God again with the it�s not you it�s me thing.�  
  
  
  
�Let me finish.�  
  
  
  
�Fine��  
  
  
  
�I am just not completely stable Nicky and sometimes when you come home drunk and I have to smell the alcohol on your breath, it makes me want to drink again. That�s what the issue is.�  
  
  
  
Suddenly I felt horrible, even more terrible then I did before. �Why didn�t you just tell me that?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know. I guess because it�s not your problem and I wasn�t about to ask you to not drink because I can�t handle it.�  
  
  
  
�But AJ, if I knew about it I wouldn�t drink�okay not true, I�d still drink but I wouldn�t come home until I was sober. I love you man and I�d never want to do that to you. I�m really sorry.�  
  
  
  
He put his head down and nodded, �I am too� now would you please stay?�  
  
  
  
�You really want me to stay here? I mean what about Howie and Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�What about them?�  
  
  
  
�Don�t they want you to not be around me?�  
  
  
  
�No Nick�.Howie wants you to stay too.�  
  
  
  
I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders, I can�t even explain how much these guys meant to me, and how every little thing they said or did sat in my heart. �I�m not sure Paris will be happy about that though. She really had her heart set on me moving in with her.� Lying is bad, I know�shut up.  
  
  
  
�Well, maybe just tell her you�re not ready for the next step yet.�  
  
  
  
�She baked me a cake and everything.�  
  
  
  
�She bakes?�  
  
  
  
�Well, she tries.�  
  
  
  
�Dude, if you still want to go live with her go�I just am saying I would very much like it if you stayed here. I would miss my little buddy.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll talk to her AJ�� I smiled at him, �So now I have to unpack all these garbage bags?�  
  
  
  
�You could always just dump them out; I mean that�s how your room looked before hand anyway.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �Good point.� And then took the bag I had been packing and turned it upside down as all the contents fell all over the floor.  
  
  
  
He gave me a thumbs up and turned to leave the room, �AJ��  
  
  
  
He turned around, �Yes?�  
  
  
  
I felt compelled to tell him I loved him, I say that to the guys way too much, at least that�s what they always tell me. So I said the next best thing, �What kind of pizza are we getting?�  



	21. Chapter 21

****

**21  
  
  
  
The Infamous Birthday Cake incident�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything was peaceful for a while after AJ asked Nicky to stay at his place. They had come out of the room arm in arm and instantly I knew that for the time being the blonde wasn�t going anywhere. We had pizza, drank root beer and just hung out and laughed. It was a fun night.  
  
  
  
According to Nicky, Paris took the news of him not staying with her very hard, almost breaking down and crying. Personally I think he�s full of crap, she doesn�t seem like the type of person to care about anyone one way or another. I didn�t even believe that she would willingly take him in but I know for my part, I�m probably being irrational about that.  
  
  
  
The bad thing that happened over the span of the next few weeks which led up to Nick�s birthday was her presence became almost smothering. She was with him at all times. We�d be in the studio hard at work and then she would waltz in and demand he get a break so they can go out for coffee or walk her little annoying dog.  
  
  
  
So many times I thought Kevin was going to tell her off, he made it more than obvious he wasn�t pleased with how she seemed to take our youngest band mate away and boss him around. I know we all wanted to sit Nicky down and have a talk with him but I was the one that decided it might be a bad idea. I told them that he feels like we always talk about him behind his back and now if we were to sit him down and tell him that Paris needs to let him work, we would once again only prove his point.  
  
  
  
Everyone listened to me, which was foolish�hello? It�s Howie no one ever listens to me. Why start now?  
  
  
  
The other thing that alarmed all of us during this time, was his almost constant all nighters. The boy never slept anymore. She would come and get him straight from the studio (before he was done by the way) and then they�d go out clubbing and partying all night long.  
  
  
  
The whole issue of he and AJ living together almost became a moot point because the kid was never there anyway. And yes, we were all really worrying about him, even more than usual. HE became her Barbie Doll, seriously. She was dressing him in what she wanted him to wear, making him hang around people SHE wanted him to be with (which most were drug addicted crack whores�did I just say that?) She even had HER stylist start doing his hair. It was all a little ridiculous.  
  
  
  
So it was no great surprise when on the morning of his 24th birthday, he showed up very late�wearing sunglasses as usual.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys.� He said slowly making his way into the studio. He had gotten so used to the routine that he opened his check book the second he sat down, �So who�s getting my money today?�  
  
  
  
�Put your checkbook away Nick�since it�s your birthday your lateness is on the house.� Brian said, walking over and giving him a huge hug.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, besides at this rate, you�re going to have to sell your truck to keep paying all these late fees.� AJ decided to add, doing the same as Brian just did, �Happy Birthday Kaos.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks�� He looked at the table that housed our usual breakfast of coffee and donuts and seemed a little disappointed that there was no cake there waiting for him, like AJ�s birthday.  
  
  
  
I looked up to see him staring at me, that�s when I realized I hadn�t said anything yet, �Happy Birthday Nicky.� I winked at him.  
  
  
  
�Thanks D�do you have something in your eye?� He mocked me by removing his sunglasses and winking back�Smartass.  
  
  
  
�Where�s Kev?� He asked after he made his way over to the donuts and helped himself to a jelly one.  
  
  
  
�He had to run a few errands; he�ll be back in a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�Once he gets here I�m sure I�ll have to pay someone something.� We all laughed, because he was probably right. Secretly I was hoping that maybe Kevin was out getting Nicky a cake because suddenly I felt so guilty for not thinking of it myself.  
  
  
  
I worry far too much; I mean I bet he doesn�t even remember when my birthday is. Sometimes it�s questionable whether he even remembers my name. For being so young, Nicky has many senior moments.  
  
  
  
He sat beside AJ and started playing around with the console, �So what�s on the agenda today?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing too much, we are only recording one song I think but we do have an important band meeting today to discuss the album direction, remember?�  
  
  
  
�Shit�thanks for reminding me. It�s not happening later or anything right?�  
  
  
  
�No, I think it�s a lunch meeting.� I offered as Brian looked over at me biting his bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�Okay good, because I know I have many plans tonight.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah? What are you doing? And why wasn�t I invited?� Brian asked once again looking my way.  
  
  
  
He was really worried about Nicky too. He confided in me at lunch just the other day, he felt like Paris was changing him in some way. I thought the conversation was a bit on the ironic side since Nicky and I had that very same conversation about Leighanne right before he married her, but still he had a point.  
  
  
  
�She is having a party for me at one of her hotels. She didn�t invite you guys?�  
  
  
  
�I know I wasn�t invited.� AJ said shrugging his shoulders. �Maybe she just hasn�t gotten around to it yet.�  
  
  
  
Yeah�right AJ, you go on thinking that.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
Nick looked at me and nodded, �I�m sure that�s the case. I�d love it if you guys came to the party she�s throwing.� He seemed annoyed and hurt a little that we knew nothing about it, but I didn�t want him thinking we were invited to a party for him and we all just blew it off or something. I�m sure she would love him to think that because she seems to get off on playing mind games with him, but there was no way in hell I was letting that happen.  
  
  
  
Maybe we would all just crash the damn thing to be annoying and get on her nerves. I glanced over at the door as Kevin entered. He looked like a man on a mission, although I have no idea what that mission was exactly.  
  
  
  
�He�s back�now maybe we can get to work?� I announced, bringing up the song we had been working on.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�m here sorry. I just forgot to bring something to the studio with me so I had to go back and get it. Then he glanced over at Nick, �Happy Birthday Nick!� He walked over and pat Nick�s back as the blonde tried his best to stifle a yawn.  
  
  
  
�Thanks man.�  
  
  
  
�So, more of Song for the Unloved then?� Howie asked as the scratch vocals blared through the speaker system over our heads.  
  
  
  
�God I hate that song it really sucks.� The birthday boy muttered under his breath.  
  
  
  
�Nick, we know, you hate all the songs we have recorded so far, let�s just finish it then okay?�  
  
  
  
�Can�t we do the other version of this one? The pop one? I hate this R and B one.�  
  
  
  
�We will do both, then we can chose which one we like better okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, okay�� Kevin looked over at me and shook his head.  
  
  
  
Seemed like someone was going to be in a whiny mood today, Nick rubbed at his eyes almost on cue and once again yawned. If he didn�t fall asleep in our meeting I would dress up as a chicken and do a dance. That�s how certain I was he indeed would be snoring within the first few minutes.  
  
  
  
Don�t ask about the chicken thing�  
  
  
  
�Why don�t we just start our meeting first and then we can record after lunch?�  
  
  
  
I stretched my arms over my head, silently grateful someone mentioned food. I was really hungry and trying my best to stay away from the donuts.  
  
  
  
�Wow, it�s already lunch time?� Nick asked no one in particular which for some reason made me crack up.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, you showed up at 1:30 kiddo.�  
  
  
  
�Really? Wow that�s late, even for me.�  
  
  
  
�No kidding�� Kevin said under his breath once again shaking his head as he stood up and led us into a room for this meeting.  
  
  
  
We found we worked better when we did stuff like this, closed the rest of the world out and sat in a room with nothing to distract us. No televisions, music, crayons, shiny things�nothing but the five of us. It�s sad that that�s what it took to hold our attention but hey, back in the older days, even that wouldn�t work. We�d always manage to go off on tangents about everything under the sun with Kevin being the one to always lead us back to the main point.  
  
  
  
One of my favorite meetings ever was during the time of Millennium before I was always too stoned to care, we had a three hour meeting of which two hours were spent discussing what we thought was the smelliest cheese. I wish I could remember what won�  
  
  
  
�Guys, what did we decide was the smelliest cheese?�  
  
  
  
All of them looked over at me as if I had just asked the dumbest, most random question ever�and I guess they�d be right.  
  
  
  
�AJ what the heck?� Brian laughed, he says I amuse him greatly, I was happy to see today was no exception.  
  
  
  
�I was just thinking about our meeting one time at Jive��  
  
  
  
�Oh! God I remember that!� Howie chimed in.  
  
  
  
�They were so mad at us.�  
  
  
  
�Seriously.�  
  
  
  
�I think it was some cheese that starts with an R.� Nick added.  
  
  
  
�Oh nice to know you guys remember those meetings but not the ones that count.� Kevin said as we all finally managed to close the door and sit around the giant table. I sat down and instantly started spinning on the chairs. I loved these things.  
  
  
  
�Already we�re spinning�� Kevin said sarcastically as he opened up his notebook.  
  
  
  
�Uh oh�he�s bringing out the big guns.� Rok whispered and I let out a laugh. We were so juvenile, I love it.  
  
  
  
�Okay guys we have to decide a few things��  
  
  
  
�Roquefort.�  
  
  
  
�What did you say Nick?�  
  
  
  
�The cheese, that�s what it was called.�  
  
  
  
Now we all looked over at Nick and yes I admit, I was twirling around in my chair again, until Kevin put his foot in my path and made me stop. What a party pooper!  
  
  
  
�You have been sitting here this entire time thinking about cheese?�  
  
  
  
�We haven�t been in here that long Kev.�  
  
  
  
�You think you can concentrate on what we are going to talk about as much as you just did on the smelly cheese?�  
  
  
  
�I can�t make any promises�besides it�s my birthday.�  
  
  
  
�What does that have to do with anything?�  
  
  
  
�I try not to use my brain on my birthday dude.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, than I guess everyday is Nick�s birthday huh?� Howie and I freakishly said at the exact same time! That was scary�  
  
  
  
�Hey!�  
  
  
  
�You walked into that one little buddy.� I said as I high fived Howie.  
  
  
  
�Guys�can we please try to be productive?� Kevin asked but he was also smiling and trying hard to act like we weren�t all amusing him.  
  
  
  
�Yes of course�go ahead cousin, what were you about to say?�  
  
  
  
�Thank you Brian�I just think that�� There was a knock on the door and Kevin literally banged his head on the table in frustration.  
  
  
  
�Saved by the door�come in!� I said as Dave, one of our engineer guys popped his head in.  
  
  
  
�Hey, um�Paris is here.�  
  
  
  
Kevin looked up, �Well tell her that we are�� But he didn�t get a chance to finish because within a beat, Paris walked into the room.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry to interrupt, I have a surprise outside for Nick since it�s his birthday�hi baby.� She said blowing him a kiss.  
  
  
  
He waved at her but his eyes instantly lit up and I think to Kevin that�s what he needed to see, �Okay sure�go ahead Nick, and we�ll wait for you but try not to take too long okay?�  
  
  
  
�Sure�sorry guys.� He stood up and walked over to his girlfriend pulling her into a hug and walking out the door. That just gave me an excuse to twirl around in my chair a little more�whee!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Kevin�s constant finger tapping on the table was beginning to get on my nerves. He always did stuff like that when he was impatient. Even when he was a kid, I remember playing Scrabble with him and all the while I would be trying to come up with a word, I�d here that annoying tap tap tap.  
  
  
  
�You know, we can start without him.� I finally said, placing my hand on top if his to cease the annoying sound.  
  
  
  
�That kind of defeats the purpose of a band meeting, if the entire band isn�t here to meet. Doesn�t it?�  
  
  
  
�It�s not like he would be paying attention anyway Kev.� AJ twirled around in his chair every time pushing himself around when he hit the front of the table.  
  
  
  
�God, what is taking them so long?� Howie muttered under his breath. I have noticed that lately Howie has been doing a lot of muttering.  
  
  
  
A few seconds later Dave knocked again, this time shaking his head at us. That�s never a good sign. Instantly, I had visions of him telling us that Nick and Paris were having sex on top of the console or something. I know that sounds weird coming from me, but damn with those two, you never knew what to expect.  
  
  
  
�What�s up Dave?� I asked. I figured I�d be the brave one.  
  
  
  
�You won�t even believe it�you guys better come out here though.�  
  
  
  
�Uh oh, that doesn�t sound good.� I looked over at AJ and nodded my head in agreement as Kevin stood up and sighed.  
  
  
  
As we walked out of the door, there was a flurry of activity up ahead and lot�s of flashing of cameras and bright lights. �What in the world did she do?� I whispered to Howie as we continued into the main lobby.  
  
  
  
My question was answered instantly as I saw a camera crew from Entertainment Tonight standing there, lights on Nick and Paris as she was being interviewed. He sat on the table in the background like a deer caught in the headlights. There were also a ton of paparazzi there taking pictures as well of Nick, Paris and a cake that Nick was sitting next to.  
  
  
  
�Does that cake have her picture on it?� I asked my cousin who looked amazed and not sure what to say.  
  
  
  
�I believe it does.� Howie answered as AJ lightly chuckled in the background.  
  
  
  
Tinkerbell was running around the lobby like a chicken without a head, barking at everything that moved so I walked over and grabbed him into my arms. Of course it was dressed in pink and even had its own purse.  
  
  
  
Suddenly the camera people turned towards us, which I wasn�t expecting. It�s been awhile since I�ve had a camera shoved in my face. I didn�t look very good today but none of us really did. They started asking us questions about the album which none of us were ready to answer but of course my cousin still managed to say just the right thing. I kept glancing over at Nick who looked uncomfortable and lost. Paris tried to primp him before they once again turned the camera on them. She was yelling at him to try not to look like a slob and not to embarrass her. I wanted to go over there and tell her off, I could tell Kevin was thinking the same thing.  
  
  
  
�Okay�let�s sing I guess.� AJ said.  
  
  
  
While I was being nosy I guess they had asked us to sing Happy Birthday. It probably sounded bad how unenthused AJ sounded when he said that. It had nothing to do with Nick though; we all love him to death. It�s just that, in that instant, we all realized what Paris was really about and I know it saddened me.  
  
  
  
After we sang, the lights turned once again on Paris, who became that girl we always saw on television. She smiled instantly turning from the angry embarrassed girlfriend to the wonderful �I�ll always stand by your side� girl she was trying so hard to portray.  
  
  
  
Kevin took that as a great time to exit and pat me on the back to follow him. I walked over to one of the cameramen and handed him the dog as we made our way back into our meeting room.  
  
  
  
Once the door was closed we all let out our breath and just shook our heads. �Did you see that cake?� I asked them to which they all nodded. AJ once again started cracking up.  
  
  
  
�She�s such a media whore.� Kevin said as he sat down and started tapping his fingers on the table. �Did you hear the way she was talking to him?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �She�s not very good for him.�  
  
  
  
�No, you think?� He rolled his eyes at me.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys, next year I want you to make me a cake with a huge picture of me on it so this way I can eat myself and say �bite me� and mean it.� I looked over at AJ and laughed.  
  
  
  
�Rok, you think our wife will do that for me?� I shook my head, refusing to answer him.  
  
  
  
�Well, I guess so much for this meeting then huh?� Howie asked no one in particular.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I guess�Jesus�I hope this makes Nick see what she�s really like.� Kevin started rubbing at his temples. Have I mentioned how easily he stresses out about things?  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Who interrupts a business meeting, brings an entire camera crew, paparazzi and a cake with a huge picture of her face on it? Paris Fucking Hilton�that�s who. Yeah, I�m a bit peeved and not so much about her being here because it�s Nick�s birthday and for whatever reason, he loves her. Yes I cringed when I just said that, but to bring a Goddamn camera crew into OUR studio while WE are tying to work is just too much. It�s not like she even asked us for permission. What if we didn�t want everyone to know we were working on another album? She would have just blown it for us. Ahhh! I hate her!  
  
  
  
�Kevin?� I looked over at Howie who was waving his hand in front of my face. �Are you still with us buddy?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�sorry I was just thinking.�  
  
  
  
�I can only imagine what�s going through your head.�  
  
  
  
�It isn�t pretty.� They all laughed at me, but I was being serious. I had visions and they all involved me strangling a blonde, and for once I�m not talking about Nick. Just thinking his name made my hand go to my pocket where inside I had a letter for him. I almost forgot about it completely, but once I remembered I had to run back home and get it. For some reason, I had a feeling he would need it now.  
  
  
  
�He didn�t look happy about all the attention, as odd as that sounds.� AJ finally stopped twirling around in his chair and now sat with his arms on the table and his chin in his hands.  
  
  
  
�Do you think he realizes it? I mean, that he is nothing but a boy toy to her?� I looked over at Howie and shook my head. Of course he didn�t realize it.  
  
  
  
�I really want a piece of cake�I hope they all leave soon.�  
  
  
  
�Is this so you can say you got to eat Paris?� Brian asked Bone.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, maybe.�  
  
  
  
�Well if the cake is anything like she is, it�ll be totally empty on the inside.� Once again they all laughed at me. �She needs to go away�.very very far away.�  
  
  
  
�She�ll be taping her show soon I think. So she won�t be around for awhile.�  
  
  
  
�Good, hopefully she�ll move on�or he will. Brian don�t we have a cousin we can set him up with?�  
  
  
  
Brian laughed at me; the look on his face told me that maybe I was once again over reacting. So, I decided to change the subject. �So, where are we taking him tonight? I thought maybe that sushi place over on Rodeo Drive.�  
  
  
  
They all looked at each other, �What?� I asked.  
  
  
  
�He already has plans.�  
  
  
  
�But, we told him a few weeks ago we were taking him out to dinner then going back to my place for movies.�  
  
  
  
�Paris is throwing him a party which apparently we weren�t invited to.� Howie huffed. You know, I have noticed that Howie has been huffing a lot lately.  
  
  
  
�She didn�t invite us?� They all shook their heads. �Okay that�s it�� I said getting up out of my seat and heading towards the door.  
  
  
  
�Kev, what are you doing?�  
  
  
  
�I�m going to go out there and give that wench a piece of my mind Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Not today Kev�� Damn, I hated when he was reasonable and made sense.  
  
  
  
�Well, then I�m at least going to check and see if she is gone with her little camera crew.� When there was no objection to that one, I walked out the door and back into the main lobby where Nick was sitting all alone staring at his cake. He looked anything but happy, but the instant he saw me he put on that damn mask he thought we knew nothing about and smiled.  
  
  
  
�I was about to come and see if you guys wanted some cake.�  
  
  
  
I walked over and gave him a hug, �Sounds good�so, were you surprised?�  
  
  
  
�Uh�yeah, that�s an understatement. I�m sorry about that. I had no idea she was going to do that.�  
  
  
  
�I know buddy.�  
  
  
  
�We just had a huge fight��  
  
  
  
It�s sad to say that I saw a glimmer of hope in that statement. �You did? About what?�  
  
  
  
�It�s not important�anyway are we still doing dinner tonight?� Instantly I realized that the fight was about us. I could see it plain as day. Nick wanting to know why she hadn�t invited us to the party and her telling him we are losers.  
  
  
  
�Of course dinner is still on and a movie at my place�oh and Nick, I brought you something.�  
  
  
  
�You did? I thought we all said no more presents.�  
  
  
  
�No, this isn�t a present.� I grabbed the envelope out of my pocket and handed it to him.  
  
  
  
�What is it?�  
  
  
  
�It�s actually from you�� I smiled when it dawned on him what it was. �Happy Birthday Nickolas the Magnificent.� I said, winking at him and then taking a piece of Paris, strategically chopping her head off and smiling as I did it.  
  
  



	22. Chapter 22

  


**22  
  
  
  
When the lights go down and the cameras turn off�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I should have been happy. I mean it�s not everyday a guy turns 24 right? But yet, I was miserable because of my girlfriend. Please explain to me how that happens? I was a total mix of emotions after she came walking in with that cake. Part of me couldn�t help but feel special because no one has ever done anything like that for me before. I�m not talking about fans, I know they have gone all out but I mean girlfriend or close family wise, no one has ever gone to such great lengths to do something for me on my birthday.  
  
  
  
But then there�s that damn skeptical part of me that says maybe she just did it because she wanted the attention. We had a long conversation last night as we lay naked in each other�s arms. She was going on and on about how important the spotlight was for her. She couldn�t live without it, she confided to me. Personally I don�t get it; I am more than happy when a camera isn�t shoved in my face. One can be a ham but yet like their privacy. Not Paris though, I think she�s afraid of being alone.  
  
  
  
�I feel so ordinary when there are no cameras around.�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes ordinary is a good thing.�  
  
  
  
�Not for me��  
  
  
  
And that was the end of the conversation. Most of them went like that, not a whole lot of talking, just casual observances here or there followed by lots of sex. But when she showed up with that cake and all the cameras, I couldn�t help but think back to that talk we had.  
  
  
  
I wanted to think she did that all for me, but I know she did it for her. Even the party she was throwing for me right now, the one I promised to make an appearance at and bail to hang with the fellas. She didn�t even ask me who I wanted to be there. She just invited her same small circle of friends.  
  
  
  
After the guys all left the room and the camera�s departed, the two of us sat next to my birthday cake, not saying anything. The glow she had while ET was there rapidly faded as they left and I found myself angry about that.  
  
  
  
�How come you didn�t invite the guys to my party?� I probably sounded like I was accusing her of something; I really didn�t mean it to come out that way. She turned to face me very quickly and shoved me with such force I almost fell off the table. For a little chick she really is strong.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you. After I do this for you�tell me who else would ever do anything like this for you?�  
  
  
  
�You didn�t answer my question.� I replied, now standing with my arms crossed and looking down at the cake. It was better than making eye contact with her.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t invite them because I figured you�d want a break from them. I mean you work with them all day. I know I would never want to invite my co workers to my party.�  
  
  
  
�But they aren�t co workers Paris, they are my family.� And she knew that too. She knew how much they meant to me because I opened up to her about it one night. Maybe I had a few beers too many but I found myself waxing nostalgic over my band mates. I told her how much they meant to me and how much of a family they were to me, even more so than mine.  
  
  
  
As the words were streaming out of my mouth, I couldn�t believe I was saying them. I seldom opened up to anyone about anything anymore. She seemed touched as she rubbed my chest, but maybe she wasn�t even listening. Or worse yet, maybe she was listening and somewhere deep inside she was laughing about how stupid I was.  
  
  
  
�Whatever Nick, you are so damn unappreciative I don�t even think I want to throw you a party anymore anyways. Do you have any idea how hard it was to convince people to come for your birthday? I practically had to beg.�  
  
  
  
�Forget about it then. Go hang with your friends and I�ll hang with mine.� I said as I began to walk away from her. My feelings were really hurt, sad to say and I needed out of that room before I let my anger and sadness get the better of me.  
  
  
  
I felt something hit me in the back of my head and when I turned around I noticed her shoe was off of her foot. She then took the other one and aimed it at my face but luckily I ducked in time. I couldn�t help but laugh, it was comical in a tragical kind of way.  
  
  
  
�Screw you Nick! Go hang with your band mates for all I care, but you better at least show up to the damn party, otherwise I�ll look like a fool!�  
  
  
  
�I will.� She walked past me, shoving me once again and then picked up her shoes and stormed out the door.  
  
  
  
That�s what happens when the lights go down and the cameras turn off. I was left just standing there and staring at the cake when Kevin came to the rescue like he so often does.  
  
  
  
He brought me that letter I wrote to myself and suddenly, thoughts of Paris disappeared from my mind and I had a good rest of my day. Even when I went and made an appearance at my birthday party, Paris came over and gave me a huge hug and kiss. I thought there would be an apology, but it never came. I hung out with her for a little while; of course there were more paparazzi there which we posed for as a couple in love. And then I made my escape, confused and once again saddened by my doubts.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I arrived fashionably late to Kevin�s house although in Backstreet time I guess I was actually early, and further proof of that was seeing Howie and Kevin just sitting there watching television, eating junk food.  
  
  
  
�So, no birthday boy yet?� I asked, putting my jacket down and my present. I know we weren�t supposed to exchange gifts but I had to. See, every year that I have known Nick I have always gotten him something. Sometimes the gift was elaborate like a new Play Station or any game he wanted. Of course was when he was younger he would literally bounce with excitement as he opened his presents. As he grew older, I still got him things whether it was just a dinner or once even a card with money in it like I was his grandpa. It�s just something I do.  
  
  
  
�Nope,�  
  
  
  
�What about AJ?�  
  
  
  
�He�s out getting a cake; we wanted to have one without that horrid witch on it.�  
  
  
  
�Wow Kevin�tell us how you really feel.� I laughed at my cousin. Too bad Paris had no clue that she had made an enemy for life now.  
  
  
  
�He�s probably getting a cake with boobies on it.� Howie dragged out the word just the same way that Nick and AJ did when they joked about female body parts.  
  
  
  
�For some reason, I wouldn�t be surprised in the least. That�s why I�m glad I left Baylee at home. That�s all we need, a nice picture of him gnawing on a strippers boob.�  
  
  
  
�Yup, that�s one for the family photo album.� Kevin said with a mouth full of peanuts. He finished chewing then took a sip of beer and stated in his best Kevin voice, �He better show up.�  
  
  
  
�He said he was coming right?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, he said he had to make an appearance at the party but then he would slip out unnoticed.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t see how it could be unnoticed since it�s HIS party to begin with.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not his Brian�it�s HERS duh!� I think Howie might be drunk.  
  
  
  
�I just hope she hasn�t ruined his night. He�s so melancholy on his birthdays.�  
  
  
  
�Knock knock�� AJ bellowed behind the door.  
  
  
  
�Who�s there?� I answered�of course I had to, come on now?  
  
  
  
�Let me in please!�  
  
  
  
�Let me in please who?�  
  
  
  
�Rok open the damn door gosh darnit my hands are full!�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry�I don�t know anybody by that name.�  
  
  
  
�You guys are so juvenile, good Lord no one would even believe.� Kevin speaking under his breath again.  
  
  
  
Finally after hearing AJ let out a defeated sigh, I opened the door and boy he wasn�t lying when he said he had his hands full. He was holding a huge box plus carrying two bags. I grabbed the box out of his hands and shook my head when I saw where it was from.  
  
  
  
�Pussy Galore adult pastries?�  
  
  
  
�I KNEW it!� Howie added.  
  
  
  
�What? It�s Kaos we�re talking about here. I wasn�t about to get him a cake with a cross on it�no offense Rok.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not the messiah AJ, you don�t need to apologize.�  
  
  
  
�I ordered this thing for him a week ago when I found out about the place. You should see some of the things they have in there.�  
  
  
  
�What�s in the bag?� I placed the cake on the table and was about to open it when he smacked my hand.  
  
  
  
�No! I want it to be a surprise.�  
  
  
  
�But, I want to see it.�  
  
  
  
�Patience my little friend.�  
  
  
  
�Little friend?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�and I bought him some stupid stuff I knew he�d like.�  
  
  
  
�Like what?�  
  
  
  
�Open the bag and see.�  
  
  
  
There were two bags, one was from the store where he bought the cake and the other was the dollar store. �Wow nice to see you spared no expense.�  
  
  
  
�He�ll love everything in that bag...guaranteed, which I find very sad by the way.�  
  
  
  
Just picking up the first two things I smiled because I knew AJ was right. �Dinosaur caplets?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�you throw them in water, the capsules dissolve and you have yourself a sponge dinosaur.� I nodded, amused.  
  
  
  
�A Whoopee Cushion. Should we warn Howie?�  
  
  
  
�No way, but we should take a bet to see how long it takes Nick to get Howie to sit on that thing. I say within ten minutes of him opening it.�  
  
  
  
�I might as well give you the money now then, because you are right.�  
  
  
  
There were tons of stupid toys like that in there and my favorite a bobble head Joey Fatone doll�because you never know when you�ll need one of those things. �Please Lord tell me that we don�t have these in a Dollar Tree somewhere?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t think so Rok.�  
  
  
  
�Good.�  
  
  
  
�I tried to get a Lance because he hearts Lance, but I guess he no longer bobbles.�  
  
  
  
�Bummer.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah dude�totally.�  
  
  
  
We both turned when we heard the front door, �I think he�s here!� AJ said smiling and I couldn�t help but smile myself.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
When Nick walked into my house, he looked anything but happy. I mean he had his trademark little smirk on his face as he greeted me at the door, but just like that smile he wore this afternoon, I could tell my little brother wasn�t very happy. I wanted to just flat out say, �So what did she do now?� But I decided now was not the time, so instead, I ignored it. If he wanted us to know something was wrong, he would tell us.  
  
  
  
�You�re late�can�t you ever be on time for anything?� I joked as I ruffled his hair like I used to do when he was a kid. I can�t believe he�s actually 24 years old. Where did all the time go?  
  
  
  
�Why be on time now? I wouldn�t want to give you a heart attack or anything.�  
  
  
  
�Very true�well come in, the gangs all here.�  
  
  
  
�Yay!� His voice was laced with sarcasm but I knew it was to mask his real excitement.  
  
  
  
�There he is�� Brian said walking into the living room from the kitchen and squeezing Nick�s cheeks before kissing him.  
  
  
  
�Ouch! I hate when you do that!�  
  
  
  
�I know, that�s why I do it�duh Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�I think now that I�m 24, you should all stop with the Nicky nonsense and start calling me Nickolas Gene.�  
  
  
  
�Nickolas Gene huh?� My cousin asked amused.  
  
  
  
�Yes, that is my given name.�  
  
  
  
�Okay Nickolas Gene, you got it!�  
  
  
  
�Nicky��  
  
  
  
�God Howie! Didn�t you just hear what I said?�  
  
  
  
�Sorry buddy, but as long as I�m living and breathing you are going to be Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�Yay!� He added�sarcastically again, but this time he meant it.  
  
  
  
�So how was the party?� I asked him once he was settled on the couch with cold beer in hand. That made me look over towards AJ. Even though, he insisted we have alcohol for Nick�s birthday, I still felt bad drinking in front of him. He didn�t seem to mind though; he was drinking a non alcoholic version of the stuff.  
  
  
  
�It was okay, there were wall to wall people there. I slipped out the back and I don�t think anyone even noticed. I swear I don�t even think half of those people knew what they were celebrating to begin with.� He laughed but stopped when he saw no one else in the room looked amused. Instead we were all eyeing each other and sad to say, I know he caught that.  
  
  
  
�It�s all good though, Paris was awesome to have a party for me. I�m really sorry about today guys; I really wasn�t expecting all that.�  
  
  
  
�We know Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�It doesn�t matter, all that matters is that you enjoyed it. Did you?�  
  
  
  
Nick looked over and nodded at AJ. �So�what�s on the agenda tonight?�  
  
  
  
�Well, we figured we�d go anywhere you wanted then come back here for a movie or we can go to a club�anything you want. It�s your night kiddo. You make the call.�  
  
  
  
�That�s a change, do you guys remember when I was younger and you would always go out clubbing for my birthday without me?�  
  
  
  
We all looked at each other and laughed. Poor Nick, we really did give him quite the run around when he was a child. �I just want you to know that I�m still in therapy for that.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry Nickolas Gene, we were young and stupid.� Brian raised his beer in salute to our youngest and then winked at him.  
  
  
  
�There�s that line again! We SO need to use that.�  
  
  
  
�Seriously, I can�t believe you did that to me. I would be so happy that you were all hanging out with me on my birthday then you go out clubbing.�  
  
  
  
�But it was always in your honor!� Howie added.  
  
  
  
�Honor my ass!�  
  
  
  
�Are you asking us to honor your ass? Because that�s where I draw the line Carter.�  
  
  
  
�Oh please, you love my ass AJ, admit it.�  
  
  
  
�Can I ask why every conversation we ever have always seems to come back to Nick�s ass?� I decided to ask once there was a lull in the conversation.  
  
  
  
�Because he has such a nice, juicy one�don�t you honey bunny?� AJ replied reaching over and squeezing Nick�s butt.  
  
  
  
�Oh stop that�Brian will be so jealous.� Nick answered in an equally gay voice.  
  
  
  
I looked over at Howie and shook my head. Children, I swear they are so easily amused. �So? Where would you like to go?�  
  
  
  
He bit on his bottom lip as he thought about it then said, �How about we just order in some pizza? I would feel bad if I ditched my girlfriend to hang out with you guys and have photographers nab a picture. I can just see the tabloids now. The �IT� couple on the rocks.�  
  
  
  
I cringed when he said that, just like I did the very first time I heard a magazine call them that. I really didn�t like how much press his relationship with that girl was getting because I knew it would end badly. Ever relationship that girl has ever been in has ended badly. Nick was on his way to a broken heart but there was nothing we could do about it, besides wait it out.  
  
  
  
�If you�re sure that�s what you want to do buddy.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and smiled, �It is; besides it�s not what we do. It�s the company we keep right?�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him and nodded. Where did the time go? Seriously�  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�I swear I don�t think I eat as much pizza in a year as I do when I am with you guys.� I said blowing on my piece of extra cheesy pizza. They delivered it very quickly and I was glad. God bless Dominoes.  
  
  
  
We all sat around Kevin�s huge dining room table eating our pizza and breadsticks. Of course Kevin and I wanted hot wings and then that made Nick insist on getting twisty bread.  
  
  
  
The conversation was light and friendly, nothing work related brought up at all. I kept stealing glances at the birthday boy and it looked as though he had a lot on his mind. I hated how preoccupied he always seemed to be these days. All of the crap going on in his life really broke my heart when I allowed my mind to go there.  
  
  
  
�Did you hear from the family?�  
  
  
  
He glanced over at me and then quickly looked at his pizza. I felt bad for asking right there, �Aaron and Angel called. I guess everyone else was just too busy.�  
  
  
  
�Or you�ll get a ton of massages on your answering machine when you get home.� AJ added.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�probably.� He didn�t sound convinced and neither was I.  
  
  
  
�Kristin wanted me to wish you a very happy Birthday. She said when she comes out to visit again she wants the two of us to take you out.� That made the blonde smile.  
  
  
  
�How about just her and I go?�  
  
  
  
�You would love that wouldn�t you?�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry buddy�unlike Brian who likes to lend out his wife, Kris is all mine.�  
  
  
  
�Hey! I don�t lend her out. AJ just latches onto her.�  
  
  
  
�Rok you�re just jealous because she likes me better.� We all started laughing which I was happy to see.  
  
  
  
�Chris and Bean called though, they said they sent me something they know I�ll love. I�m looking forward to that.�  
  
  
  
Two more losers, Nick just seemed to surround himself with the same breed of people. Minus his present company of course, the people in his life were all just in it for his celebrity. They didn�t care about him and the saddest part of that was, he knew that. He just kind of resigned himself to the fact that maybe the only people who will give him any attention don�t really care and I blame his damn parents for that one.  
  
  
  
�Howie what�s wrong?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?� I looked up to find all eyes on me.  
  
  
  
�You look mad, or like you need to fart dude.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not mad.� Even though I was mad, how weird would it be to say well I was just thinking about you and how sorry I feel for you Nicky, Happy Birthday!  
  
  
  
�Oh my God! You do have to fart! Dude; take it to another room then. You eat so much spicy food flames will probably shoot out your ass!�  
  
  
  
Why do I care about this bonehead again?  
  
  
  
�Maybe I should just fart in your face. Although you would probably like that huh?�  
  
  
  
�Howie for some reason you saying the word fart cracks me up.� Brian added.  
  
  
  
�Yes D�please fart in my face�pretty please!� Nick made the stupidest face I have ever seen and I just lost it. The boy is funny�damn him!  
  
  
  
His phone started blaring some random rap song and he sighed when he looked at who it was. �I�ll be right back,� He said to us as he stood. �Hey baby!�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes when I heard him say that and that amused the rest of the guys. I felt bad that I couldn�t hide my hatred of that girl but there was just something about her that go on my very last nerve.  
  
  
  
�I hope she isn�t coming over here.� And I was glad to see I wasn�t the only one.  
  
  
  
�Don�t worry Kev, I think you�re safe. We are losers remember?�  
  
  
  
�Oh yes, I almost forgot. Thanks for the reminder D.�  
  
  
  
It sounded like they were arguing, well she was yelling at him and he was getting a word in every few seconds. She was so loud that I heard her shrilly, annoying voice all the way from here.  
  
  
  
He came back a few minutes later and acted as if nothing happened. �She says hi.� He obviously lied.  
  
  
  
�Oh�nice.� Kevin said giving me a look.  
  
  
  
�So what now?�  
  
  
  
He stood up and stretched, �Actually I think I�m going to go to bed. I am really tired, but thanks for the pizza and for hanging out with me.�  
  
  
  
Kevin did not like that at all, �But you just got here�come on Nick, don�t let her get to you tonight. Stay and have some fun.�  
  
  
  
�Who said anything about her getting to me?� Uh oh�here we go.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I looked over at Kevin unsure of how exactly he was going to get out of this one. �You�re right�never mind. Forget I said anything.�  
  
  
  
�No, I want to know why you think she�s getting to me?�  
  
  
  
Kevin let out a sign and rubbed at his temples. �I just heard her yelling that�s all. It�s really not a big deal. I didn�t mean to make you mad.�  
  
  
  
�She was just talking over the music at the club that�s all.� None of us believed that one but whatever.  
  
  
  
�Don�t leave. The night is still young which is more than I can say for you.� Kevin said, giving Nick a light punch on the arm as he did so.  
  
  
  
�Like you are one to talk about that?�  
  
  
  
�Good point.�  
  
  
  
�I really am tired though, thanks again for��  
  
  
  
�And you haven�t seen the spectacular cake I got you Nick!� I decided to chime in and save the say. It�s hard being the hero.  
  
  
  
�Yes, I want to see this cake.� Brian said, I think they had all forgotten about the cake. How dare they?  
  
  
  
�Oh�I didn�t know there was cake.� He smiled and instantly I knew once again that I had managed to squelch a fight.  
  
  
  
I motioned for them all to follow me into the kitchen where sitting on Kevin�s smaller table sat the box containing the cake. �Go ahead and open it up Kaos.� I said nodded at him. He admired the cover and giggled when he was where it was from.  
  
  
  
�This should be interesting�� He said as he grabbed a scissor and cut open the string.  
  
  
  
When the box opened, he looked like a thirteen year old going trough puberty all over again, �Oh my God! This is AWESOME!�  
  
  
  
The box revealed two giant boobs one that said Happy and the other said Birthday. They actually looked like real breasts. Everyone seemed very impressed.  
  
  
  
�What are these made out of?� Kevin asked as he placed his finger on the nipple.  
  
  
  
�God you�re such a perv!� Brian said batting Kevin�s hand away.  
  
  
  
�It�s all chocolate dude. They look real huh?�  
  
  
  
�Hell yeah they look real.�  
  
  
  
�Do you like it?� Nick turned to me and grabbed me in a huge hug.  
  
  
  
�Thanks AJ, I love you.�  
  
  
  
It was sweet, he reminded me of that kid that used to annoy the crap out of me, now a grown up man.  
  
  
  
�Now excuse me while I stick my head in the cake�� Before anyone could object, Carter managed to stick his face right on the nipple and took a huge bite out of it.  
  
  
  
�Nice.� Brian said as he stood there playing with the Joey bobble head.  
  
We ate cake and stayed at Kevin�s all night long, talking, watching movies and then finally falling asleep all over the living room just as the sun was coming up.  
  
  
  
Oh and it took Nicky approximately 7 minutes to put the whoopee cushion under Howie�s ass just in case you were wondering.  
  
  



	23. Chapter 23

**23  
  
  
  
One Sanity day please�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
February is supposed to be the fastest month of the entire year because let�s face it, there just aren�t as many days in February as there are in the rest of the months right? Why is it then, that every single February of my entire life has always dragged on and on� onto oblivion it seems?  
  
  
  
It�s not like anything horribly bad happened or anything but for some reason by the second week of the month, I was just finding myself in the middle of a classic funk. It happened from time to time for me. I am always considered the most happy, upbeat guy in this group but when I get down� I get down.  
  
  
  
My wife is usually the first one to notice the change in me; I go from elated to be up and alive, kissing her and my baby on the cheek right before I walk out the door, to opening my eyes mid sigh while uttering the words, �Here we go again.�  
  
  
  
When these funks happen, there�s not much anyone can do. I go to the studio, sit there half listening as the usual arguments happen. Nick with his, �I hate the direction this album is going�� Kevin with his, �I swear I don�t know why we are even bothering, I mean it�s not like anyone is even going to remember us�� Howie just sitting there winking and nodding�I know he�s not thinking about what we�re doing but more about what he left behind and AJ�he seems to be the only one truly enjoying it. Maybe because to him it�s not the usual routine. He was so high and out of it all the other times, he missed out on the drab monotony that these studio sessions tended to turn into.  
  
  
  
Me? Well when I sit in the studio listening to the whining, complaining and for the most part, boring songs, I find myself fantasizing about my own album. The Christian stuff I�ve been working on. So far, I really love what has been sent my way and I can�t wait until I can just sit back and do my own thing.  
  
  
  
I tend to have little to no patience when I am in a mood like this, everything said and done gets on my very last nerve. Today was starting out to be one of those days.  
  
  
  
I almost wanted to turn around and walk right back out the door when I heard the argument coming from the hallway. It was Kevin yelling at Nick about something. I couldn�t tell what it was and to be honest, I didn�t much care either. He was getting on my nerves more and more lately. Seemed like after his birthday all of us were hopeful that he had seen the error of his ways dating Paris, but his partying actually escalated after that, which is funny because I really didn�t think it was possible to party more than he was before.  
  
  
  
This turn of events of course set my cousin off at all times. It seemed like that was the first thing that happened every day. A Nick and Kevin knock down, drag out fight. Just like when Nick was so small he used to yell at my cousin�s belt buckle. Some things never change.  
  
  
  
I tried to walk right past them but of course neither would have any part of that. �Brian! Come here for a second. I want to ask you something�� I rolled my eyes before turning around to face my cousin.  
  
  
  
�What is it?�  
  
  
  
�Be honest�because that�s what we need here. A little honesty�do you find Nick coming to the studio drunk a big deal? I mean is that okay with you? Acceptable if you will?�  
  
  
  
�Are you drunk?� I asked our youngest member. Why I had to even ask I have no idea. The boy�s eyes were so blood shot that he looked like a zombie. His hair was shooting up all over the place and he just reeked of smoke and alcohol.  
  
  
  
�No, I�m not. I�m just damn tired and I�m not going to be treated like a child.�  
  
  
  
�Then stop acting like a child. Coming to the studio drunk as a skunk is unacceptable Nickolas�you should know that.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not drunk, I told you. I�m just tired.� He held his hands in front of his chest defensively as if Kevin was about to punch him repeatedly.  
  
  
  
�I think you should go home and sleep it off Nick. Come back when you are responsible enough not to show up drunk.�  
  
  
  
I had no idea why my cousin felt the need to bring me into this little argument but now that I was standing there it was me Nick suddenly directed his anger at. �Is that what you want me to do to Brian? Do you want me to leave?�  
  
  
  
�Did I say I wanted you to leave?�  
  
  
  
�No, but I didn�t hear you saying you wanted me to stay either.�  
  
  
  
He didn�t even give me a chance to say anything one way or the other. He closed his eyes, and with slouched shoulders said dejectedly, �Never mind�I�ll go home if I�m not wanted. See you tomorrow.� And with that being said, he gave me one final look and walked past the two of us and out the door.  
  
  
  
�Was it really necessary to bring me into your argument?� I furiously asked Kevin, walking past him and towards the studio where I already wished I was nowhere near. I kind of wish it was me he sent home. I could use a day off with just my wife and son.  
  
  
  
�You know�� I said, turning around and facing my cousin, �I am going home too. I mean if you can just freely send home whoever the hell you want. Than I can do the same.�  
  
  
  
�Brian stop over exaggerating. It was for his own good.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe, but then this is for my own good. I�ll see you tomorrow.� I said, turning towards the door, taking out my car key and taking a sanity day for myself. The look on Kevin�s face was priceless as I left.  
  
  
  
I felt reborn as I walked out of that studio, a choir of angels might as well have started a chorus of Hallelujahs. I smiled at the entire day before me and called my wife to tell her the good news.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
What the hell just happened? I mean did Brian just leave? I scratched my head in befuddlement. Is everyone going insane? Am I the only sane person left in this entire world? Tell me please, I want to know.  
  
  
  
I shook my head as I walked back to the studio, I had no idea what in the hell we were supposed to do with two of the five of us missing today. One of the songs we had recorded yesterday was playing back through the studio system as I entered the room. Howie and AJ both looked up from the console and smiled at me but when they saw the look on my face, one of them hit the stop button. I guess I looked like I needed to say something, which I did.  
  
  
  
�Well, Nick and Brian are gone.�  
  
  
  
�Gone? What do you mean gone?� Howie asked, confused.  
  
  
  
�I mean as in not coming in today.�  
  
  
  
�But Nick was here a minute ago.�  
  
  
  
�I sent him home.�  
  
  
  
�You what?�  
  
  
  
�I sent him home AJ, he was drunk and frankly looked as if he was about to collapse. Didn�t you think so?�  
  
  
  
�So you sent him home as in�Nick, go home?�  
  
  
  
�Um�yeah as in Nick, go home.�  
  
  
  
�And he was fine with that?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t actually give him the choice. I told him to come back when he was responsible enough to show up to the studio sober and ready to work.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Do you have a hearing problem today?� Okay maybe that was uncalled for. I�m in a bad mood.  
  
  
  
�Who gave you the right to send him packing?�  
  
  
  
�AJ�it�s for his own good!� Why wasn�t anybody seeing that?  
  
  
  
�And since when are you in charge of what�s good for Carter?�  
  
  
  
�I thought you of all people��  
  
  
  
�Would understand? Why, just because I was a junkie? Kevin, Nick isn�t a junkie he came here ready to work and you sent him packing... if he was really that irresponsible he wouldn�t have even bothered coming. I mean how many times did I do that? Like a million, right? Wow I can�t believe you!�  
  
  
  
�I thought it made sense�I can�t be the only one right?� Right?  
  
  
  
�What about Brian? You said he wasn�t coming. Is he sick or something?� Howie asked. He was trying his best to stay neutral and he�s so good at that I couldn�t really tell if he was angry with what I had done or not.  
  
  
  
�Actually, he was here when I sent Nick home so he decided to send himself home.�  
  
  
  
Howie laughed but AJ muttered a �un fucken believable� under his breath.  
  
  
  
�I was just trying to do the right thing; he�s out of control guys.� Damn it, okay so maybe I was stupid for sending him home. I was angry and most of all I was worried, but still I don�t get why everyone is giving me attitude.  
  
  
  
�So what do we do now?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Howie, any suggestions?�  
  
  
  
AJ stood up, �Well yeah I have one. How about we take the day off as well? Lord knows I can use a break and I think the same can be said for the both of you. It�s not like we can get anything done without those other two boneheads anyway.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure we can work on something.�  
  
  
  
�Well the two of you can if you want, but if Rok gets a day off and Nick is �suspended� then I�m taking the day off to.�  
  
  
  
�AJ!�  
  
  
  
�See ya tomorrow guys.�  
  
  
  
�Are you sure you actually want to go home? I mean Nick was kind of pissed.�  
  
  
  
�Kev, do you actually think he went home? Do you think that just because you told him to go home that he hopped in his car and went there to feel bad about what he did? Give me a break. He probably went over to Paris�s place again and is most likely having sex even now as we speak.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, you�re probably right.�  
  
  
  
�I am right because that�s exactly what I would have done.�  
  
  
  
�But you always say he�s not you.�  
  
  
  
�He isn�t. If he was me he would have also stopped by some seedy street corner and bought a bag of coke.�  
  
  
  
I didn�t know what to say to that, so I just put my head down. Maybe AJ was right; I was treating Nick like he was a crack head. I just didn�t want him to turn into�  
  
  
  
�So, I�ll see you guys tomorrow.� AJ said waving his hat at the two of us as he walked out the door.  
  
  
  
I turned to look over at Howie and sighed, �So are you leaving too?�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~~*~

  
  
  
  
�Depends�are you?� I answered.  
  
  
  
Kevin thought about this for a few minutes, I could tell that in classic Kevin fashion, he was regretting what he had done. Nick and Kevin were so alike that sometimes it was comical. The three of us often joked about it, the fact that they were one in the same person. Both did before they thought about things and then later regretted their actions. Neither of them would ever admit it either.  
  
  
  
�It�s a waste to have all this studio time and not use it don�t you think?�  
  
  
  
�I guess.� I shrugged at him, in all honesty I agreed with AJ. A day off was something I could have used myself. We really hadn�t taken any time off since getting back together. Every day we came to the studio and worked. Sometimes it was only for a few hours but most times it was upwards of ten hours a day. That�s a lot of time to spend together in such close quarters. Maybe I could do something to get sent home. Perhaps throw something at him. Even though he asked me what I was going to do, I felt obligated to stay if he was.  
  
  
  
�You don�t agree with what I did, do you?� Kevin was always such a different person when it was just him and me. It�s always been that way between the two of us, I sometimes wish I could secretly videotape those moments. It�s like he let his guard down and stopped being everyone�s keeper when it was just us.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I mean I see why you did it. I just don�t see that it�s going to accomplish anything.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think about it, he just made me mad. When I was talking to him he was just looking past me, rolling his eyes at me. I knew he wasn�t listening to a thing I was saying.�  
  
  
  
�I know, you got mad, talked out of your ass and now feel bad about it. Call him and apologize.�  
  
  
  
�The thing is, I�m not sorry for what I said though.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at Kevin; he was so passionate about us all. I wish I was, I mean don�t get me wrong, I am passionate about this band and the guys in this band but still, he always wears his emotions on his sleeve.  
  
  
  
�I think maybe a day off will do him some good.�  
  
  
  
�I hope so�although I probably just allowed him to start partying even earlier today. I don�t think he�s even slept yet from yesterday. What do you think? AJ said he barely sleeps anymore at all.�  
  
  
  
�I think he�s young Kev. I mean when I was that young, I partied a lot and if I remember correctly, so did you. Heck, I party a lot now.�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded, �I know�but I never came to the studio drunk. Either did you.�  
  
  
  
�But Kev�those days things were different. And I did show up to the studio drunk once or twice and you did too!�  
  
  
  
�I did NOT!�  
  
  
  
�Does the All I have to give conversation remix ring a bell?� I asked him smiling. We both got so wasted the night before we taped that thing that the morning of, we tried every known remedy made by man to sober us up and relieve the hangovers we were feeling.  
  
  
  
�Oh�yeah I forgot about that.�  
  
  
  
�You were so hung-over you puked all over the bathroom right in the studio.�  
  
  
  
�Okay��  
  
  
  
�I mean I remember Johnny thinking you were possessed you were puking so much.�  
  
  
  
�All right��  
  
  
  
�I mean seriously you were projectile vomiting.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, I get it.�  
  
  
  
�And then I had the biggest laughing fit while making that song, remember? I actually think I peed myself.� I admitted.  
  
  
  
We both started laughing, that was really something else, the two of us got in trouble for not taking the thing seriously but good Lord, how could we take something that ridiculous seriously?  
  
  
  
�The best part was the look on the other three guy�s faces. Nick looked absolutely terrified. Do you remember?� He asked me now placing his feet on the console and looking much more relaxed.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�I think he almost cried. He thought you were dying because you were making the worst sounds ever while puking�� I was having a hard time breathing now because I was laughing so hard.  
  
  
  
�I think Brian thought I had lost my mind, he even called my mother.�  
  
  
  
�Crazy times�� I said shaking my head at the memory. We did have a lot of fun back then. Every time I hear that stupid remix I think about how drunk we were when we did that.  
  
  
  
�Are you ever just going to come out and just tell me that I�m an idiot?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, �The thing I love about you Kevin is that I never have to. You always seem to realize it yourself before someone has to point it out to you.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks�I think.�  
  
  
  
�You�re welcome buddy�can I ask you a question?� He looked at me and nodded.  
  
  
  
�Why are you so afraid of taking a break?� I finally asked him.  
  
  
  
�I�m not afraid.�  
  
  
  
�Yes you are.�  
  
  
  
He thought about this for a few seconds before answering me, �I guess because sometimes I feel like if we stop even for a day, we won�t start up again. Doesn�t if feel like that to you?�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes�but I think it�s just because we�re burnt out and getting tired of the songs.�  
  
  
  
�Not getting tired of them, we hate them.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, true we hate a lot of the songs, but maybe taking a day or two off will help us come up with better ones.�  
  
  
  
�I just don�t want it all to go away; you know what I mean D?� I placed my hand on his shoulder. This was yet another one of those vulnerable moments I wished more people could see.  
  
  
  
�It�s not going to Kev�now what do you say to us leaving and going to see a movie? Let�s not be Backstreet Boys today but just go out and forget about all this crap for awhile.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know��  
  
  
  
�I promise everything will still be here tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
He nodded, �You know what? Fuck it, let�s do it.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him and together we walked out of the studio like two kids cutting junior high.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
You know what sucks? The fact that the guy you came to the studio with was sent home and you don�t realize it until after you already make a statement by walking out for the day. It wasn�t like I was going to turn around and come back in and say, �Well I know I just said I was going home but can anyone give me a ride there? Bahahaha� Can I be anymore of a dork wad? Yes of course I can because I just said the word dork wad.  
  
  
  
So I found my ass walking down the street. This brought back a lot of memories for me. See, when we were done recording, I would roam these streets in search of anything to occupy my time, just looking across the street, I was met with one of the many bars I would literally spend all night in, playing pool and drinking until the sun came out or the bartender would ask me politely to leave.  
  
  
  
Just around the block was one of the many places I would meet the guy who sold me anything I needed from him. We would meet behind a dumpster and I remember thinking how appropriate that was since I was so down in the dumps.  
  
  
  
I didn�t enjoy reliving those memories but luckily I soon came in contact with my newest addiction. Starbucks�so I went in ordered my Carmel latte and decided to hail a taxi.  
  
  
  
You know, I should have kept that crappy ass van just for circumstances like this. It always seemed like I was the one who was left to walk. The funniest part was I drove us there! �That kid�I swear to God��  
  
  
  
I paid the cab driver and made my way up to the apartment and was kind of surprised to see Nick sitting on the couch in a pair of sweats and a hoodie, sitting Indian style and flipping the channels. �Well I�ll be damned��  
  
  
  
�Hey.� He said without even looking up.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think you would be here.�  
  
  
  
�I got sent home.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I know, but I didn�t think you�d actually come home.�  
  
  
  
�Well I did.�  
  
  
  
�I see that.� I sat down beside him and blew on my coffee, smiling at the fact that he had done exactly what Kevin had wanted him to. There was yet another difference between how he handled this situation and how I would have.  
  
  
  
�Did you bring me one?� He asked looking at my coffee like a child staring at a lollipop.  
  
  
  
�No, sorry, but like I said, I didn�t think you�d be home.�  
  
  
  
�Why are you here anyway? You guys can�t be done already. Did you get sent home too?�  
  
  
  
�Nope, but after you left��  
  
  
  
�I got sent home like a child AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�after Kevin sent you home...Rok took a sanity day and I followed.�  
  
  
  
He turned towards me suddenly looking very amused, �Brian left?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, said he was gone for the day. That if Kevin could send you home he could send himself home as well.�  
  
  
  
�Dude�that�s awesome!�  
  
  
  
�Yup, so then I did the same thing.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, Kev is probably pissed as hell.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�probably, but I don�t care.� I said taking another sip of my coffee to which when I was finished�Mr. Grubby held out his hand for it. I handed it over and let him take a sip.  
  
  
  
�Eww, God AJ, don�t you put any sugar in your coffee?�  
  
  
  
�Dude�its Carmel latte�it doesn�t need any sugar. IT IS sugar!�  
  
  
  
�It�s not sweet enough.�  
  
  
  
�Well isn�t it a good thing I bought it for me and not you then, huh?�  
  
  
  
�I guess�� He gave me back my cup and then sighed, �Aje�just for the record. I wasn�t drunk. I was just up all night that�s all. Paris and I had a huge fight and she threw me out and I spent the night on Chris�s floor. I didn�t sleep at all.�  
  
  
  
�Why didn�t you just come home?�  
  
  
  
�I forgot my key again.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� I bonked him on the head and then continued, �Dude, it doesn�t matter anyway.�  
  
  
  
�It does to me. I just wanted you to know that I would never show up to the studio drunk.�  
  
  
  
�I know that�so what did you guys fight about?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t even remember�anyway it�s over now. She called but I didn�t call her back yet. I think I�m taking a sanity day from her.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him, �I don�t blame you bro��  
  
  
  
�I still can�t believe that Brian just left�that is the coolest thing ever!�  
  
  
  
�Hello? I did too.�  
  
  
  
�I know but still�he did it first.�  
  
  
  
�And you left without me so you owe me cab fare.�  
  
  
  
�Oh shit�sorry about that.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not biggie.�  
  
  
  
�You could have always rented that van again.�  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yes?�  
  
  
  
�Shut the hell up!�  
  
  
  
�Can I have another sip of your latte?�  
  
  
  
�You said it wasn�t sweet enough.�  
  
  
  
�It will be if I add some sugar.�  
  
  
  
�NO, you aren�t adding sugar to my latte. Go get your own damn latte.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t, I was sent home�remember?�  
  
  
  
�You are such a pain in my ass kid!� I said handing him the latte.  
  
  
  
He laughed at me as I grabbed the remote out of his hand and started flipping the channels. Maybe it was early enough to catch the Wiggles.  
  
  



	24. Chapter 24

****

**24  
  
  
  
  
  
Vacation**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The week after I was �sent home� by Mr. No Fun Bushy Brows, we barely spoke one word to each other. I admit, I was really pissed at him the more I thought about it. I am very far from a child anymore and I think sometimes he tends to forget that. True I can be immature but you know what? It�s my right to act like a kid every so often, I mean I didn�t get to really act like a kid when I was a kid because I was too busy having a job and all that crap. Kevin got to be a kid when he was a kid so he can kiss my big fat butt.  
  
  
  
I got to the studio first this morning, coffee in hand and carrying not one dozen but TWO dozen donuts for everyone. Since the jerkass sent me home, I have been the first or second person here every damn day, including the day after he kicked me out in the first place.  
  
  
  
The thing that sucked this morning was shortly after I arrived, so did he; making us the only two people in the studio. Even the engineers weren�t there yet. Shoot me now please.  
  
  
  
I didn�t even look at him when he walked in. I just concentrated on drinking my coffee and looking over the lyric sheet for the song we were going to work on today. He purposely made noise so I would look up at him, but I refused. Hopefully Brian would get here soon and bail me out. When I left, AJ was still in the shower so I know he�ll be awhile yet.  
  
  
  
You know what makes me mad about this entire thing? That fact that he didn�t even let me explain or when I tried, he didn�t believe me. Does he think I�m SO irresponsible that I would come to the studio completely shit faced? I felt myself fidgeting in my chair. I hated being angry at them.  
  
  
  
What right did he have to send me home anyway? It�s not like he�s the boss of me or anything.  
  
  
  
�You�re not the boss of me you know.� Kevin looked over at me and then turned around to see if I was talking to someone else. Can I just say there was no one else in the room but us! What a dumbass! And I can�t believe I just said that out loud! So much for the cold shoulder treatment.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You heard me.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I heard you but I mean what in the hell are you talking about? Where did that come from?�  
  
  
  
�Because I think you feel like you can boss me around just like you used to when I was child.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, you haven�t spoken to me in over a week now.�  
  
  
  
�Almost two weeks, but who�s counting.�  
  
  
  
�Right�which is childish I might add.�  
  
  
  
�Or you mightn�t.�  
  
  
  
�That�s not a word.�  
  
  
  
I looked at him and rolled my eyes. �Well I just made it one.� Okay not the most mature reply, but that�s all I had.  
  
  
  
This time it was him that rolled his eyes. �Why bring this up now?�  
  
  
  
�Because we are all alone and it needs to be brought up at some point.�  
  
  
  
�It should have been brought up two weeks ago.�  
  
  
  
�Well, it wasn�t.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t drunk, I was just tired.�  
  
  
  
He let out a huge sigh, I hated when he did stuff like that. The Richardson �I am annoyed and fed up because you aren�t as perfect as me� sigh. �I know, AJ told me that.�  
  
  
  
�So, when he tells you something you believe him, but not me.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say that.�  
  
  
  
�So you don�t believe him? You STILL think I was drunk?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say that either.�  
  
  
  
�You aren�t saying much of anything.�  
  
  
  
�You aren�t letting me.� He kept getting on the verge of raising his voice but always putting his arms in front of him to remind himself to stay calm. If I wasn�t so friggin mad at him, I would probably be laughing at his corny ass right about now.  
  
  
  
�Fine�talk.�  
  
  
  
�I guess I was just waiting for you to say something to me, which you never did.�  
  
  
  
�Because I was hurt. You hurt my feelings.� Oh my lord�am I having a Dr. Phil moment?  
  
  
  
�You reeked of alcohol and I was in a bad mood.�  
  
  
  
�And just like always, you took out your frustration on me!� I AM having a Dr. Phil moment. Zoinks!  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded, �Nick, you�re right. I am sorry about that. I didn�t mean to hurt your feelings.�  
  
  
  
I looked down at the console�the dreaded apology, this is where I finally had to except it and move on. I hated this part. It was always so much easier to stay angry.  
  
  
  
�Are you sorry for sending me home?�  
  
  
  
He rolled his eyes again but then smiled, �Yes.� He answered after a few minutes. �I am sorry for sending you home. I over exaggerated.�  
  
  
  
�You? Nah��  
  
  
  
�Shut up.� He laughed and ruffled my hair. Like I was a child AGAIN! But this time I smiled.  
  
  
  
�So, are we friends again?� He asked me hopeful that I put this petty argument behind us.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I guess.� I gave him one more good eye roll for the road just as Brian walked in.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
�Did I just hear�communication of some sort emanating from this room?�  
  
  
  
They both looked over at me and rolled their eyes. I actually have been standing outside the door for about fifteen minutes but when I heard them arguing I wasn�t about to get myself stuck in the middle again. This time I was smart enough to wait for the all clear.  
  
  
  
I know it probably sounds wrong of me to say this, but for the two weeks they were not speaking, things ran so smoothly in the studio. We did our thing and got the hell out of there. Nick didn�t act like a doofus and Kevin wasn�t his usual control freak self. AJ, Howie and I kind of enjoyed the peace and quiet. I know when they come in and see the two of them talking again we�ll all have a quiet laugh about it.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we made up finally.� Kevin said matter of factly, as if this happened everyday�which it did.  
  
  
  
�Well, isn�t that sweet. I�m so glad the two of you are all better now.� I of course was overdoing it a bit but I kind of wanted them to realize how dumb they were for being so annoyed in the first place.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys, I was wondering if it would be okay with you if I took off for two weeks. Leigh really wants to go see her parents and I�m thinking Baylee should go visit mine. I know they can go without me, but I�d really like to go as well.�  
  
  
  
�Two weeks?� Kevin asked, by the way he placed his hand to his chin, I knew the answer would be a no. Not a real no but more of an indirect, �sure if you want to put us all out go ahead� guilt trip kind of no.  
  
  
  
�That seems like a long time.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not though, when you think about it. We did decide to take our time with this record didn�t we? And I think you both will agree with me that we are starting to burn out.�  
  
  
  
�I know I�m burnt�maybe we should all do that. Take a little break for a few weeks. I know Paris is going to be on location with her show and she wanted me to come as well.�  
  
  
  
�See? That�s the problem right there Bri. Already he�s making plans to go away and notice how it changed from two weeks to a few weeks.�  
  
  
  
�God relax Kev, I meant two�You are the MOST anal person I know.� Well the peace was nice while it lasted.  
  
  
  
�Excuse me for wanting to work�some of us are trying to take this seriously.�  
  
  
  
�I am taking this more seriously than even you, God you�re such a jerk!�  
  
  
  
�Guys�come on. If it�s going to cause another argument I won�t go. I�ll just send my wife and child away.� Okay now maybe I was laying it on a bit thick myself, but I needed a break.  
  
  
  
Kevin looked over at me and shrugged, �No, it�s okay Brian�if you want to go, you should go.�  
  
  
  
�Are you sure?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�And not that I�m opposed to it or anything Brian but I have to ask�why is it that once again YOU are the one making this decision. Shouldn�t it be a group decision?� Nick asked Kevin.  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah�you mean like the whole going solo thing? That should have been a group decision too.�  
  
  
  
Oh boy, here we go. Where are Howie and AJ?  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you are bringing that up again. Every damn time anything like this happens you bring that up.�  
  
  
  
�Well, you kind of walked into it buddy.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t call me your buddy. I�m not your buddy.�  
  
  
  
�Since when?�  
  
  
  
�Since you are acting like a dick wad!�  
  
  
  
�Guys��  
  
  
  
�Oh, are you the only one that can act like a dick wad?�  
  
  
  
�Guys!�  
  
  
  
�You know what Kevin?�  
  
  
  
I decided before we got a �what?� I would break this up, �Look�enough is enough. This should be proof enough to the both of you that we all are due some time away from one another. I think we should all take a vacation.�  
  
  
  
They both looked at me as if I had ten heads but then luckily the attention turned from me to the door where Howie walked in whistling�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I walked in on a scene; they all were staring at me as if they had just watched me kill somebody. �What?� I asked all defensively. I was in a good mood until this minute I swear.  
  
  
  
When none of them said a word, it only heightened my curiosity. �Is something hanging from my nose or something?�  
  
  
  
�Hi D.� Nick finally said. Smiling at me and then turning back towards the console.  
  
  
  
�What is going on?� I walked slowly into the room and dropped down into one of the chairs. Brian and Kevin were now glaring at each other.  
  
  
  
�Brian seems to think we could all use a little vacation�what do you think?� Nick asked the console even though I was pretty sure he was speaking to me, although with Nick you can never really tell.  
  
  
  
�Vacation?� I was confused; maybe I should walk out and walk back in again.  
  
  
  
�It�s nothing�forget I even mentioned anything, I�m going to go call my wife.� Brian walked passed me in a huff and out the door with cell phone in hand.  
  
  
  
Kevin let out a sigh and rubbed at his temples, this is not a good thing. �What is going on? Is he okay?� I pointed to the door which Brian just abruptly exited from.  
  
  
  
�He wants to go away for two weeks.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, is there some kind of emergency?�  
  
  
  
�No, he just wants to go home and see his family.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, okay�so is he going?� I could tell that was the wrong question by the way Nick and Kevin started to glare at one another. Although for them a glare was a step in the right direction. They haven�t spoken to each other in weeks.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�why don�t you ask Mr. Know it All��  
  
  
  
�I take it, he means you?� I asked Kevin, as light heartedly as possible.  
  
  
  
�I told him he should go, unless you have a problem with that?�  
  
  
  
�God no, he can go if he wants.� I said within a beat of the question.  
  
  
  
�And I want to go spend two weeks with Paris on location for her show. Is that going to be a problem?� Okay this was a trick question�why are they doing this to me so early in the morning.  
  
  
  
�Will it be at the same time as Brian goes?�  
  
  
  
Nick nodded, his arms folded in front of him. �I don�t have a problem with that either.� I said, but not quite as quickly.  
  
  
  
He looked over at Kevin then, apparently Kevin had a problem with it? I was so confused. Someone needs to meet me at the door next time and let me know what�s going on before I walk inside.  
  
  
  
�Go, see if I care!� Okay yes is the answer to that question. Kevin did indeed have a problem with that. I mean I guess I did too. Not the fact that Nicky wanted to go away but more that he wanted to go away with that stupid whore. What? Don�t look surprised�that�s what she is!  
  
  
  
�Okay good, then I�ll see you guys in two weeks.� Nick said standing up as if his vacation was going to start this very minute.  
  
  
  
�Don�t you have to make sure that AJ and Brian don�t have a problem with it? I mean you have been talking out your ass about me making decisions yet you just left that up to me.�  
  
  
  
�Hey! You guys are talking again�that�s great!� They both looked over at me as if I had said something dumb.  
  
  
  
�Okay, I told Leigh to go without me.� Brian said, walking back into the room and sitting down next to me.  
  
  
  
�Why?� Nick asked, now looking guilty.  
  
  
  
�Because Nick�it�s not worth all the crap.�  
  
  
  
�But we said you should go. I think you should.�  
  
  
  
�No, Kevin said I should go, you started fighting with him.� Brian was pissed at Nick�oh boy, here we go.  
  
  
  
�I told you, I didn�t have a problem with you going, I just had a problem with him calling all the shots.�  
  
  
  
�Well, now I�m calling the shots. I�m staying. End of discussion.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we better not press or else he�ll send himself home again.� Kevin said laughing under his breath.  
  
  
  
�Oh I�m sure that made you mad because you didn�t get to do it yourself!� Brian said, rolling his eyes at his cousin. Of course that reply brought about a smile on the youngest one�s face.  
  
  
  
�Hey my bitches�what�s crack a lacking?� We all looked over at the door to find AJ standing there with two coffee cups in his hands.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Apparently nothing was crack a lacking because �my bitches� didn�t answer me. They all just stared with the stupidest expressions on their faces. I wonder if I have something in my teeth.  
  
  
  
When it seemed like no one was going to say a word, I walked over and gave Nick his latte, �Here ya go buddy, caramel latte for you with extra sugar, I told them to hold the diabetes.�  
  
  
  
Nick grabbed the cup and smiled at me, �Thanks bro!�  
  
  
  
�You should have brought some for everybody.� Howie said jokingly.  
  
  
  
�Well D, see if I don�t bring one for him, he�ll drink mine.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, that�s true.�  
  
  
  
�So, I take it I�m the last one here?�  
  
  
  
�Wow, what a master of the obvious you are.� Brian said rolling his eyes at me.  
  
  
  
�Hrmm it appears that someone woke up on the wrong side of our wife this morning.�  
  
  
  
He didn�t laugh�oops.  
  
  
  
�So, what�s going on?� I asked sitting down and admitting defeat.  
  
  
  
�We have been debating whether or not we should take a vacation for a little while.�  
  
  
  
�Together?�  
  
  
  
�NO!� All four of them responded�I mean shouted at the same time.  
  
  
  
I looked over at Kevin confused. �Why?�  
  
  
  
�Because we are all ready to rip each other�s throats out.�  
  
  
  
�We are? I�m not. I like my throat the way it is thanks and everyone else�s too.�  
  
  
  
�Unfortunately you are alone.�  
  
  
  
�Did I miss a fight of some kind?�  
  
  
  
�Where have you been AJ? That�s all we�ve been doing.� Nick answered, blowing on his latte.  
  
  
  
�So, taking a break for how long exactly?�  
  
  
  
�I told them not to worry about it. We aren�t taking a break.� Brian replied sitting at the console and hitting the buttons as if they were a whack a mole game. He must have brought up the him and Leigh going away thing to mixed reviews.  
  
  
  
�Brian, we told you to go man�you are totally blowing this out of proportion.� Nick said as he grabbed Rok�s arm before he was able to bang another button and break it.  
  
  
  
�Am I?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.� Kevin jumped in, �You are��  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�AJ?� Oh boy�  
  
  
  
�Yes?�  
  
  
  
�Is it okay with you if I go away for two weeks?�  
  
  
  
�I already told you it was.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�so he knew before the rest of us?� Nick asked, sounding hurt. Oops again.  
  
  
  
�Well yeah, when we went to the movies the other night, I ran it by him. Is that a crime?�  
  
  
  
�No, but�never mind�see? It�s okay with all of us. Go be with your family.�  
  
  
  
�Then you should go be with your girlfriend.� What the fuck? I thought Howie hated Paris. Why is he telling Nick to go be with her? I�m so confused.  
  
  
  
�I don�t think I have the same standards as Brian.�  
  
  
  
�What is that supposed to mean?� Wow, I wonder what the hell I missed. I�m never sleeping in again�oh who am I kidding?  
  
  
  
�Relax, I just mean they look at you and they see your wife and family. It seems like you have a valid reason for leaving. They look at me and see Paris who you all hate and don�t think I�m worthy of the same thing.�  
  
  
  
�Why does everything become about you? This was about me and my wife going away how did it become Nick wanting to see his lay of the moment?� Whoa! Did those words just come out of Brian�s mouth? What in the world is going on?  
  
  
  
It was so quiet in the room that I don�t think anyone was even breathing. I am just glad I�m not the cause of it.  
  
  
  
�That�s what I mean.� Nick said in a half laugh.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should all take a little bit of time to ourselves. I know I could use the break as well.� Howie said, looking over at me to agree with him. The problem was, I didn�t want the time off.  
  
  
  
Me plus time off equals too much thinking, especially if Nick was going to be away and I�d have the place to myself. But seeing how tense everyone was, I nodded and agreed anyway, �I think that�s a good idea too.�  
  
  
  
�Nick�I�m sorry.� Brian said, and I think we were all happy about that. I mean that was just full on too weird for me.  
  
  
  
�It�s okay�� But it wasn�t. I could hear the hurt in his voice. He tried to hide it of course. We all know him too well, but Brian didn�t press. He walked over and gave the kid a hug.  
  
  
  
�So when are we taking this break?� I asked now that my latte was cold.  
  
  
  
�How about the end of the week?� Kevin asked, looking at everyone for a seal of approval.  
  
  
  
�Sure, it�s fine with me.� Nick pouted and yes he was pouting.  
  
  
  
�It works for me too.� Brian said, staring at the blonde, I could tell he felt horribly guilty for what he just said. Not so much because it wasn�t true but because to Nick, she seemed like the �one� for him and there went Brian who means more to Nick than he�ll ever guess totally brushing it off. Ouch!  
  
  
  
�Then it�s settled, I think the break will do us all good.� Kevin said but he sounded as about as excited as I felt.  
  
  
  
�Should we actually get to work now then?� Nick asked walking back over to the console and picking up a lyric sheet.  
  
  
  
�Yes, I guess we should.� Kevin answered�whoa they actually spoke to each other.  
  
  
  
Nick stood up and walked into the booth. It�s funny that whenever a fight like this would occur we were always able to record vocals like nothing had happened. In fact, they usually produced some of the best vocals ever. Listening to Nick you could hardly tell how hurt, mad and upset he was about everything that just happened.  
  
  
  
The rest of the session went on the same way. We recorded a song called My Beautiful Woman�probably the best one we have worked on so far. Now whenever I listen to it I�ll remember Brian being mean. Ah the memories!  
  



	25. Chapter 25

****

**25  
  
  
  
Separate Ways**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I held my wife�s hand as we walked down the streets of Manhattan. I couldn�t believe how crowded it was even for this time of the morning. I was always amazed by that when I lived here for that tiny part of my life when I accomplished one of my biggest dreams. No matter how early or late it was, the volume of the sidewalks and streets were always the same.  
  
  
  
When we decided on this little mini vacation, I wasn�t exactly thrilled with the idea, but then the more I thought about it, the happier I got. Kris always kids with me about how into work I get when we are in the studio, it�s like the only thing I can ever think about and in a way she�s right. I have tunnel vision when it comes to my life as a Backstreet Boy but I think it�s because I really understand the music business and how fickle it can be. I understand how all it takes is one precious second being out of the spotlight for people to stop caring about who you are and what you do, one second to�  
  
  
  
�You are thinking about that album again aren�t you?� I felt her hand tighten in my own as we walked into a Starbucks, one of about eleven within arms length of each other.  
  
  
  
�No, why would you say that?�  
  
  
  
�Because you had that intense look on your face.�  
  
  
  
�Oh really?� I asked raising an eyebrow which made her laugh. Kristin has the sweetest giggle in the universe. That laugh made me fall head over heels in love with her.  
  
  
  
�Yes really bozo, stop worrying about the album and just enjoy the here and now.�  
  
  
  
�How can I not enjoy the here and now, with you right here beside me?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, you are so poetic.� She reached over and kissed my lips as she got in the long line to give in our order.  
  
  
  
I watched her butt as she walked away and couldn�t help but smile. Looking out the window, I saw a flurry of people move past as if they were schools of fish. It was barely 8 in the morning. Kris had to shoot a few scenes for a show she was guesting on and I decided to tag along to watch. I have to admit, I kind of liked the role reversal, watching my wife be the famous one for a change while I just got to sit back. My ego on the other hand, didn�t like it as much.  
  
  
  
Being away would do me good, I decided once again, for the fiftieth time since I arrived to be by my wife�s side. Being around Kris settled me in so many ways, even when we couldn�t spend every minute of every day together. The hardest part about this trip would be the inevitable goodbye as we parted ways once again. Maybe one day she would be a stay at home mom just like Leighanne. It�s really not fair that, that hasn�t happened yet.  
  
  
  
Kris and I have been trying to be parents for a long time now; it just never seems to work out. We aren�t dumb either, we both know that every year that goes by, the chances of that happening grow more and more slim. There really isn�t anything wrong with either one of us either. The doctor said that sometimes, it just happens and then gave us a list of options to choose from.  
  
  
  
Kris and I took the pamphlets home and laughed about some of those other options, I swear one basically said as long as you ate broccoli every day and sang the alphabet backwards, you would conceive.  
  
  
  
Adopting is another option we keep tossing around, but I know we both want our own. As if they heard my thoughts the most adorable child and his mother entered the coffee shop. The baby was cooing like crazy as it nibbled on its wrist and I couldn�t resist the urge to try to make him laugh.  
  
  
  
I was making all kinds of crazy faces at him, until finally he let out a small giggle and a completely toothless smile. The mother didn�t even acknowledge this and just kept walking towards the line, where my wife had finally made it to the front and was paying for our order. The place was oddly packed with people on there way to work or college. None of them were even looking up, all just sitting and reading a newspaper or huffing under their breath while staring at their watches. I should be grateful how lucky I am to have a job that I love. I bet most of these people can�t stand what they do.  
  
  
  
Kris came back with two huge coffees in hand as well as muffins for us both. �I got you a caramel latte honey, I hope that�s okay.�  
  
  
  
�As long as you didn�t put sugar in it.�  
  
  
  
�Why on earth would I do that? I mean who in their right mind would put sugar into a caramel latte?�  
  
  
  
I smiled as I took a sip, �No one in their right mind.� I answered as I felt the foam of the whipped cream mix in with the beginning of a mustache I had to soon rectify.  
  
  
  
�Did you see that adorable little baby?� She asked me as she nodded towards the mother and son.  
  
  
  
�Yes, I made him laugh actually.�  
  
  
  
�Wow�well at least someone thinks you�re funny!�  
  
  
  
�I am funny.�  
  
  
  
She smiled at me, �Yes you are�that�s why I married you.� She took a bite out of her muffin and then pushed the newspaper over to me. �Did you see this?� She asked, sounding more than a little amused.  
  
  
  
�What?� But within seconds I groaned. �Stupid whore, what did she do now?�  
  
  
  
�I certainly hope you just didn�t call me a stupid whore.�  
  
  
  
�Baby, would I ever do that?�  
  
  
  
�Not if you value your teeth.� She said winking at me. �Anyway�.it says Paris fell off a horse.� She answered.  
  
  
  
�It probably kicked her off because it didn�t want her skanky ass self giving it some kind of STD.� That made my lovely wife spit out her coffee and laugh. See? I am funny after all.  
  
  
  
�Seriously, what does Nick see in her?�  
  
  
  
�Honey, I have no freaking idea.�  
  
  
  
�Is that where he went this week?�  
  
  
  
I looked down at the paper of Paris wincing in pain and rolled my eyes, �Yup.�  
  
  
  
�Poor him�� I looked at her and nodded.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I winced as Paris started screaming again. Why must she scream every five seconds, I know she just got trampled on but seriously, enough with the yelling already. I have a huge ass headache and she isn�t helping one bit.  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you listening to me?� I looked over at her and smiled. No, I wasn�t listening to her because I was too busy blocking out her screaming at her mother on the phone.  
  
  
  
�Um��  
  
  
  
�Damn it Nick!� She said while throwing the phone at me. �I asked you if you could please go get me my pain killers. My stomach is killing me!�  
  
  
  
�Sorry babe�sure.� When she acted like this she scared the crap out of me and yes okay, fine�she acted like this a lot. Don�t tell anyone though.  
  
  
  
�NICK!! MEDICINE NOW!!! God you�re such a loser!� I literally ran to go get the girl her medicine. I think she may very well be possessed by something.  
  
  
  
Nicole was sitting on the couch as I walked past her. Yes they act like they have nothing on the Simple Life but when the cameras are off, these ladies are living in luxury believe me. Like Paris and Nicole would actually sleep in that stupid trailer? I think not, although if the people at Fox heard me say that I would be sued and my tongue hacked off.  
  
  
  
�She�s in a bad mood.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, tell me something I don�t already know Nicole.� I shook my head as I gathered her purse and headed back inside to my girlfriend who was brushing her dog�s fur with a Barbie comb it looked like.  
  
  
  
�It�s about time.� She sounded so mean as she grabbed the purse out of my hands. She�s in pain, that�s all, no need for me to get all kinds of paranoid. The dog looked over at me as if to say, please help me. She was brushing its fur so roughly his little eyes were bulging out of his head�.well sorry buddy, if I have to put up with it so do you.  
  
  
  
�Sorry about that.� I said as I slowly sat down beside her and placed my hand on her leg. I could swear Tinkerbelle growled at me.  
  
  
  
�You know Nick�you could try to show a little compassion.�  
  
  
  
�I am baby, what are you talking about? I rubbed your back all night long�you sent me down to the gift shop for aspirin at 4 in the morning, and then when I got back you sent me out for ice cream.�  
  
  
  
�That doesn�t count.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�fine�� I took a deep breath; I didn�t feel like fighting with her, not after all the fighting I did with the guys last week. I really needed this to be a relaxing experience. �So, what do you want to do tonight?� I asked as I gradually caressed her leg, making my hand slowly move up her thigh.  
  
  
  
�Not what you�re thinking, that�s for damn sure.� I stopped.  
  
  
  
�Want to go see a movie or something?�  
  
  
  
�I want to go out and party.� She whined as she sat up straight, making the dog let out a little yap as he had to adjust to her shift.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure that�s a good idea on the medicine you were just on? And besides what if word got out you were out partying when you should be sleeping in your RV.�  
  
  
  
�The same could be said about going to the damn movies too asshole!�  
  
  
  
That was it��You know what? I�m going home.� I wasn�t going to take anymore of her garbage. This was my break�my well deserved break and God knows when the next one will be. I wasn�t going to spend it being yelled at and abused. I got up and started for the door.  
  
  
  
�Good riddance, like I couldn�t just find someone else to occupy my time. Get real Nick.�  
  
  
  
It dawned on me right then and there that maybe this little relationship wasn�t exactly panning out the way I wanted it to. She was so selfish, not that I wasn�t selfish from time to time, but still. �Well have fun with whoever is the lucky guy then�� I answered, trying not to let on how angry or jealous I was.  
  
  
  
�You are nothing without me Carter�you have to realize that, right?� I stopped and turned around. �Seriously, you think anyone is going to care about you after you walk out that door? You are yesterday�s news. A washed up boy band member. I�m the real deal�so go ahead, see if I care.�  
  
  
  
I should have left, right then and there. I should have packed up my little bag and never looked back, but I didn�t. Instead I turned to her and apologized. Call it a moment of insanity, but for some reason, she made me feel like I wasn�t appreciating how incredible she was. Maybe she was right, I mean without her I was nothing. When we started to date, suddenly I was back in the magazines and all over the place.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry baby�I�m just tired. I had a rough week with the guys.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t really care Nick; it�s me that�s having the rough time now.�  
  
  
  
�I know�I�m sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?�  
  
  
  
�Well, now that you mention it�my feet could use a good old fashioned massage.� I smiled at her and grabbed her foot in my hand. As I started to rub a smile crept onto her face, she has the best smile ever.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
�Alexander James, when was the last time you cleaned this mess of a house?�  
  
  
  
I looked at my mom and shrugged at her, eh? I thought it was pretty clean to begin with but I know if I said that, I�d get a smack on the head.  
  
  
  
�It�s only because Nick was packing�he�s a pig and a half.� So I went the whole, �blame Nick, he�s not here to defend himself� route.  
  
  
  
�And you are the other half of pig!�  
  
  
  
�Mom��  
  
  
  
�Seriously, when was the last time either of you did the dishes? There are cobwebs on these glasses!�  
  
  
  
Once again I shrugged at her as she continued to clean my kitchen in her yellow rubber gloves. I kind of felt like I was in college and mom had come to visit me in my dorm room for the first time. At least, this is how I envisioned something like that to be.  
  
  
  
�Hand me that dish over there sweetheart.�  
  
  
  
�Mom, I told you not to do that. I�ll hire someone to come in and clean.�  
  
  
  
�Or maybe you can just do it yourself�imagine that!�  
  
  
  
I laughed at her; it was so nice to have my mommy out here with me. At first I was going to go out to see her, but then I figured why not have her come out to me? Maybe that was a bad idea.  
  
  
  
�Have you ever mopped this floor since you moved into this place? Do you even have a clue what color these floors are supposed to be?� Okay it was definitely a bad idea.  
  
  
  
�Can you stop being a mom for a few minutes and just relax?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t realize there was a no mom button I could push. To bad I didn�t know about that back when I would spend an all nighter helping you out with last minute school projects. Oh, I�d love to help but my no mom button has been pushed.�  
  
  
  
�Come on mom�� I walked over and grabbed her into a hug, �Let�s go out and get some dinner. Forget about the mess, we can even stay in a hotel room of you want.�  
  
  
  
�Why did you guys decide to take a break?� She ignored my hotel comment and started scrubbing the kitchen counter. Wow, I had no idea it was actually blue under there!  
  
  
  
�There was a lot of fighting, so we decided we needed a break.�  
  
  
  
�I thought you said everything was going well.�  
  
  
  
�For me it was, but apparently everyone else has issues.�  
  
  
  
�Do you like what you�ve recorded so far baby?�  
  
  
  
�I guess.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t sound so convinced.�  
  
  
  
She was right; I kind of half ass answered that question. I really wasn�t sure how I felt about a lot of the new stuff. I wanted to like it, but in truth it was all a bit dull. �It�s okay I guess. We recorded this hot track before we went on break, but other than that, it�s kind of uninteresting.�  
  
  
  
She looked a little concerned about that; I know she had mixed feelings about the group coming back together. When they all came out and surprised me on Oprah, even though my mother did know about it, she admitted to me that she was anxious how it would all turn out. She�s afraid I may relapse when I go back to that world of touring. I don�t blame her I suppose.  
  
  
  
�It�s really no big deal mom, we know each other well enough to realize we needed time apart and if we still really hate what we�re recording, we�ll go another route.�  
  
  
  
�I�m glad you guys are taking your time.�  
  
  
  
�Me too.�  
  
  
  
�So, everyone else is gone then?�  
  
  
  
�No, Howie is actually in town. He decided to stay around here for a bit. He might even drop by later on.�  
  
  
  
�Have the guys seen this place? Has Kevin?�  
  
  
  
I had to laugh, �Yeah.�  
  
  
  
The doorbell rang so I ran to get it and sure enough, it was Howard. I wonder if his ears were ringing. �Hey D!�  
  
  
  
�Hello, is your mom in town yet?�  
  
  
  
�She just got in this morning.�  
  
  
  
�Where is she?�  
  
  
  
�In the kitchen cleaning.� Howie cracked up at that.  
  
  
  
We both walked back into the kitchen where my mother grabbed Howie into a huge hug, I didn�t even get that big of a hug. I tell you what; I am so underappreciated around here!  
  
  
  
�Howie, you look magnificent.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Denise, so do you.�  
  
  
  
�You need to get on my child about keeping this place clean Howie.� I couldn�t believe she just said that! I swear my mother could be the most embarrassing woman when she wanted to be.  
  
  
  
�And would you care to explain to me why you have something that resembles a half eaten boob in your fridge?�  
  
  
  
�Oh, yeah�that was Nicky�s birthday cake.�  
  
  
  
�You got him a boob?�  
  
  
  
�Actually it was a pair but we ate the other one.�  
  
  
  
�And it�s still in your fridge? It looks like it has frost growing on it. Alex, throw away that booby!�  
  
  
  
Well, there�s a statement you never expect to hear your mother say. Howie�s face turned about ten shades of red when she did. Good thing she wasn�t here when Nick bit off the nipple. I grabbed the box and dumped it into the trash. Sorry Nick, no more boobs for you!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat with my son on my lap and watched as he pointed to the stars in the night sky. Someday he�s going to be an astronaut my son, I can tell. I loved sitting out on our front porch when I was little and even though my parents have since moved out of that old house, the new one still brought that same sense of calm that came with my parents.  
  
  
  
I glanced over at my father who was sitting across from me on the rocking chair and I had to smile when I noticed he was looking up at the night sky with the same look of wonder that my son had on his face.  
  
  
  
�You used to think the stars were candy, did you know that son?�  
  
  
  
I nodded; of course I knew that because every single time we were outside he told me. Even still, I always acted like it was the first time he has ever said that before. �Your mother and I would laugh when you would reach up to try to grab one. You used to think they were right next to you.�  
  
  
  
�Yup�.I guess I have always reached for the stars huh?� how clever was I?  
  
  
  
My dad got a kick out of that, �Yes, I guess so.�  
  
  
  
Baylee stuck his hands up in the air as he said dada over and over again. �This is nice isn�t it?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at my dad. �Your brother used to love coming out here and playing connect the dots with the stars�the two of you had such vivid imaginations.�  
  
  
  
�How is Harold these days?�  
  
  
  
�Good, he was out here a few weeks ago. Next time we�ll have to plan this around the both of you.�  
  
  
  
�I agree.� I simply said as my mother walked outside to join us. Once Baylee saw his grandmother, his eyes lit up and he immediately switched from reaching for the stars to reaching out for her. It made my heart ache that he didn�t get to see his grandparents as much as he should have.  
  
  
  
She scooped him up in her arms and took a seat beside me, �Leigh is taking a bubble bath. She said nothing beat the feel of southern water versus Los Angeles water.�  
  
  
  
�She�s right. LA�s water is so hard.�  
  
  
  
She placed her hand on my leg, �How are you doing son? Is everything working out okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah mom, everything is good.�  
  
  
  
�Because Leigh said you all were fighting��  
  
  
  
�We were, but it�s no big deal. It happens.�  
  
  
  
�Are all the boys okay? How�s AJ holding up?�  
  
  
  
�He�s doing good.�  
  
  
  
�And what about Nick?�  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh, �He�s good too.�  
  
  
  
�I�m glad, I miss all of you boys, but of course I miss this one the most�� She said hugging my son close to her chest. He let out a belly laugh when she ended that with a tickle to his stomach.  
  
  
  
You know, this may sound strange but in some ways, it would make things so much easier if I had the kind of relationship with my family that Nick has with his, because when I saw my parents I instantly became that child who was always happiest living under their roof.  
  
  
  
Every single time I left home, it stung just like I�m sure it will when we venture out of here and over to Leighanne�s family next week. I didn�t really mean that about Nick�in truth, I wish he had what I had. I bet if he did, the last person he would have hooked up with was Paris. My parents would have chained him in the basement before allowing him to date her.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure everything is all right Brian?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at my mom and nodded. �Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Because you seem distracted, you know you can tell your dad and me anything.�  
  
  
  
I heard my son snoring in my mother�s arms and reached over and stroked his soft, blond head, �I know�I�m just enjoying this. I don�t want it to end.�  
  
  
  
She reached over and did the same thing to mine, �I know baby�me either.�  
  
  
  
We sat outside for at least another hour, staring up at the stars that seemed just within our reach. Of course in that time my father mentioned the fact that I thought they were candy at least ten more times.  
  



	26. Chapter 26

****

**26  
  
  
  
Excuse me, but is that a conclusion you are jumping to?**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat back and tried to relax as I let the sun hit my face. There I sat, at the beach in the middle of the morning when I should�ve been at the studio hard at work, or in a meeting about a new hotel or trying to get some corporate sponsorship for my foundation. All of these things I should be doing but yet, when I woke up I decided to head out here.  
  
  
  
It felt good having time off, but no matter what, I always felt like there was something else I should be doing, but I have already babbled enough about that I guess. Heck I almost went back home just so I could get stuff done with my brother but after talking to Johnny for an hour, he changed my mind. John told me to just take this time to relax, which kind of took me by surprise. �I have things in control here, you need this break Howie, and you deserve the break.�  
  
  
  
�But John��  
  
  
  
�No buts buddy�go to the beach and relax. I mean how often will this happen for you?�  
  
  
  
I knew my brother was right, this was not something that I could see happening very often. So I got off the phone and thought long and hard about how to occupy my time on this little break.  
  
  
  
The sun felt great beating on my face, I couldn�t recall the last time I had actually done this which is funny because it seemed like all I did was take vacations with my family and cruise for my foundation, but when I did stuff like that, I never allowed myself time to just sit back and relax.  
  
  
  
�This was the best idea you have had in a long time you know.� Leigh said as she sat up and started to rub more lotion on her legs. �I have to admit when we come out here to the beach, LA doesn�t feel like LA.�  
  
  
  
�I know what you mean.� I was glad she was able to make it out here. I invited her a week before all hell broke loose and was grateful that I had someone to go home and bitch to on the day that they all decided to take this break.  
  
  
  
�How�s Denise?� She asked when she finally was satisfied with the amount of lotion slathered on her legs.  
  
  
  
�She�s good.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good.� She laid back down and closed her eyes to the sun signaling that our conversation was over. She did stuff like that to me all the time. It�s not that I mind or anything, we have been dating for so long now, that conversation wasn�t necessarily a requirement anymore.  
  
  
  
Instead, I turned back to the water and watched as a few kids ran into the waves. Was it a good thing that we already felt the need to take time away from each other? I mean we have only just started and already, I was seriously afraid that I would have to break up a full out brawl between Nicky and Kevin.  
  
  
  
You know what�s weird? I found myself really missing them all. I have had to stop myself from calling them all week; does that make me a loser? I enjoy these people, no matter how insane or crazy I think most of them are. What the heck does that say about me?  
  
  
  
�Leigh, do you think this break was a good idea?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
She looked over at me, shielding her eyes from the sun, �No, I�m lying to you.�  
  
  
  
�It�s just that�don�t you think it�s too early?�  
  
  
  
�Howie�please for the love of everything that�s holy�try to relax and have fun.� When did I become so unfun? I am the king of fun!  
  
  
  
�You know what? You�re absolutely right. Let�s go out on the town tonight, what do you say?�  
  
  
  
�Sounds like a plan, now can you please do me a favor and hush so I can take a nap?�  
  
  
  
�Surely.�  
  
  
  
She closed her eyes once more.  
  
  
  
�Fun�� I said once again as I forced myself to enjoy this time as a vacation.  
  
  
  
I must have had my eyes closed for all of ten minutes when my phone rang. �Don�t answer that, you�ll only be sorry.� My girlfriend warned but did I listen? No�I picked it up after the third ring.  
  
  
  
�Hello?�  
  
  
  
�Howie!�  
  
  
  
�Hey Nicky, what�s up buddy?�  
  
  
  
�Not too much�listen, I need your help.� I sat up a little straight, it was the way Nick said that, something wasn�t quite right. He was also breaking up on the phone.  
  
  
  
�What�s up?�  
  
  
  
�I�m having a �. And I�God Shu�NO!...UGH�!�  
  
  
  
�Nick, you�re breaking up. I can�t hear you.�  
  
  
  
�Such a �.� I was trying my best to make out the conversation that was taking place, well� more like argument. Nick was definitely fighting with someone.  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Go Howie�bye.� And then there was a click.  
  
  
  
�Okay what the hell was that all about?�  
  
  
  
�I told you not to answer.� Leigh said as she turned onto her stomach.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�yeah, I know.� I said, playing with my phone before placing it back on the towel.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I�m just afraid he�s doing something stupid Kris.�  
  
  
  
�Then call him.�  
  
  
  
�But then he will get mad I�m checking up on him.�  
  
  
  
�Well, that�s what you WOULD be doing babe.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but he can�t know that.�  
  
  
  
�Just tell him you accidentally called the wrong number.�  
  
  
  
�He wouldn�t believe that, especially since he just talked to Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Honey�you have been worrying about him for the last few days. I know I�m getting tired of hearing about it�.CALL him!�  
  
  
  
I had a dream the other night; actually it was more of a nightmare. I hate those things and I don�t have them very often but when I do they just stick with me for days and days. This one involved Nick. I dreamt that he was with Paris and that something horrible had happened. Not sure what exactly, but I remember getting a phone call from Brian. He sounded beside himself and just kept saying, if only we had stopped him. I woke up and almost called Nick right then and there. It was 4 am though and there was NO way I was doing that.  
  
  
  
The next day I checked the tabloids, which I like to call Nick�s daily planner and I was happy to see he wasn�t there� yet. Although there was a picture of a half naked, drunk Paris on the cover�or as I like to call it�business as usual. I had all but tried to cancel out those feelings in my mind until Howie called me. He said he got a cryptic call from our youngest member who seemed to be distressed about something.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I�ll call AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Is AJ with Nick?�  
  
  
  
�No, but maybe AJ has heard from him.�  
  
  
  
�But don�t you think that if you call AJ, you�ll get him all worried about Nick?�  
  
  
  
�No, AJ doesn�t work like that.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, you mean AJ�s normal?� I gave my loving wife the finger. I can do that because we are married and as far as I know, it�s in the rule book somewhere and besides that, she laughed, which means I�m safe. �Seriously Kevin, just call the boy and make it a two second conversation�say hey just wondering how you are.�  
  
  
  
�But he�ll think I�m checking up on him. Babe, you don�t know him like I do.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe not, but I do know you Kevin and I know me and I know that if you don�t do that you are going to drive me bonkers! Seriously, you have been talking about Nick more in the last few days than you have about us. I mean I know he�s a stud and all but seriously.�  
  
  
  
�Has it been that bad?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.� She laughed once again. Okay I�m being ridiculous. So I picked up the phone and called him. He answered on the fifth ring. Who lets their phone ring five times before letting it go to voicemail?  
  
  
  
�I said go to hell!� Yes, that�s how Nick Carter answered his phone.  
  
  
  
�Nick?� There was a hesitation, obviously.  
  
  
  
�Uh�Kevin, is that you?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but the better question is, who did you think that was?�  
  
  
  
�No one��  
  
  
  
�Really? So is that your new greeting then, because if it is, it needs some work.�  
  
  
  
�Is there something you needed?� Okay on the phone with the blonde for five seconds and I have already annoyed him. It might be a new record.  
  
  
  
�NO, I was just calling everyone�you know, making the rounds. See how things are going�so?�  
  
  
  
�So�what?�  
  
  
  
�How are things going?�  
  
  
  
�Good, I guess�how are things going with you? How�s Kris?�  
  
  
  
�She�s good.� Some really strange and anxious silence followed that remark. I felt dumb for calling in the first place.  
  
  
  
�GET OFF THE GOD DAMNED PHONE!!!� Her shrieking, voice cut through the air so sharply even I recoiled at that. I can only imagine what it sounded like up close.  
  
  
  
�Don�t tell me what the fuck to do!� He answered, almost as loud�Uh oh.  
  
  
  
I heard a few slams, followed by Nick yelping in pain.  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
She was still yelling as he talked, �Kev�I have to go, this is a bad time��  
  
  
  
�Is everything okay over there?�  
  
  
  
�Just peachy...Jesus would you stop hitting me!�  
  
  
  
�I NEED ICE CREAM!!!� She yelled and then the phone went dead.  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie then�that didn�t really work the way I wanted it to.� I said as I slowly hung up the phone.  
  
  
  
�What happened?� My wife asked me, I guess I still had a baffled look on my face.  
  
  
  
�I think Paris was beating the crap out of Nick because she wanted ice cream as far as I can tell.�  
  
  
  
�She eats?� I shrugged at my wife.  
  
  
  
�I hate her.� I said, just in case we didn�t already know that.  
  
  
  
�He needs to get away from her.�  
  
  
  
�You think? Then you wonder why I worry about him so much. It�s like he and AJ do nothing but make me worry.�  
  
  
  
�Why did you bring AJ into this?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know.�  
  
  
  
�I�m still amazed she actually eats.� I laughed at my wife but still, I was worried as I sat back in my comfy chair. Maybe I�d try to call again in a little while. Then a sobering thought hit me, I�m blaming the ice cream.  
  
  
  
�What if she�s pregnant?�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I can�t believe my mother is making me clean this place. It�s not fair! Mainly because I�m not the only person who lives here! Nick made most of this mess! I swear I have picked up at least five pairs of his pants. I think he just starts stripping when he gets in the door and leaves a trail of clothes behind him. How is it fair that I should have to clean up his stuff? And I am NOT touching his underwear! That is where I draw the line.  
  
  
  
�You know honey; you�ll never find yourself the perfect woman if you don�t take better care of where you live. I know I judged my men by how clean they left their rooms. Your father was a mess. I should have went with my gut instinct on that one!�  
  
  
  
�Mom, I�m just curious so I know how to plan for the rest of my week, are you going to just clean and nag all week?�  
  
  
  
�I wouldn�t have to clean OR nag if you did.�  
  
  
  
�I can nag with the best of them mom,�  
  
  
  
�AJ, stop being a wise ass!�  
  
  
  
�I want us to go out and do something fun mommy!� Yes, I was whining. I wasn�t above doing that when it came to my mother.  
  
  
  
She smiled at me and placed whatever it was she had in her hands on the ground. I think it was a dustpan but I�m not sure.  
  
  
  
�What do you want to do Alex?�  
  
  
  
�Let�s go to the beach or maybe drive down the coast or something, but enough with the cleaning.�  
  
  
  
�But don�t you want your place to be clutter free?�  
  
  
  
�Mom as long as I�m not Nick free, I will not be clutter free.�  
  
  
  
My mother shook her head at me but I think it was a positive sign as the phone rang because she actually dropped the shovel type thing to answer it. I thought about quickly scooping it up and throwing it out the window but then I figured that might get me in more trouble.  
  
  
  
A few seconds later she returned with phone in hand, �It�s Kevin honey.�  
  
  
  
�Oh okay cool, hey Kevy my man!�  
  
  
  
�Hey AJ.� The Kevster didn�t sound happy.  
  
  
  
�What�s crack a lackin?�  
  
  
  
�Why do you keep saying that? It�s irritating.�  
  
  
  
�Oookay you know, if you called to nag, my mom is already all over that��  
  
  
  
�Look I have a question about Nick.�  
  
  
  
�His favorite color is green, he loves the ocean and he just adores stuffed animals.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up Bone, I�m being serious.�  
  
  
  
�What�s up Kevin?� I took a deep breath, was it possible they were even fighting while Nick was nowhere near him? That took skill but if anyone could do it, they could.  
  
  
  
�Has Nick mentioned anything to you about Paris maybe being pregnant?�  
  
  
  
Okay, have to say I wasn�t expecting that one!  
  
  
  
�Um�what the fuck?�  
  
  
  
�Alex!� My mother said coming out of nowhere and hitting me upside the head! I swear to God she was nowhere even near me when I said that.  
  
  
  
�I take that is a no?� He asked me, ignoring my yelp.  
  
  
  
�Kevin, I have no freaking clue what you�re talking about. Oh God tell me that dipshit didn�t get her pregnant.�  
  
  
  
�I hope not��  
  
  
  
�Why are you even asking me that? Has he been knitting booties or something?�  
  
  
  
�Yes AJ, Nick has been knitting booties�� God I felt his eyes rolling on that!  
  
  
  
�Why do you think she�s pregnant?�  
  
  
  
�Because she was beating Nick up over ice cream!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�They were fighting and she said she wanted ice cream.�  
  
  
  
�Paris eats?�  
  
  
  
�AJ�be serious!�  
  
  
  
�So you think that means she�s preggers?�  
  
  
  
�I hope not, but I don�t know��  
  
  
  
�As far as I know, she isn�t.� I said but deep down in my gut, I was having doubts.  
  
  
  
�Let me know if he calls you and tells you anything AJ. I know he won�t tell me but I�m sure he would tell you.�  
  
  
  
�God Kev� that would be a disaster.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� He sounded worried. I could hear his worry zits popping up all over his face. Poor guy.  
  
  
  
�Who is pregnant? Is Kristin?� My mother asked sounding as excited as if we were talking about me.  
  
  
  
�No, not Kris�Paris.�  
  
  
  
�Oh Lord, no way.�  
  
  
  
�I�m calling Nick.�  
  
  
  
I said, taking the phone and walking into my room for some privacy.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
This little vacation has been a total fucking nightmare of epic proportion! I may be exaggerating but if I am then it�s only a slight one. Why am I dating this girl? She is INSANE!!!  
  
  
  
I am a grown man who has locked himself in a bathroom because his girlfriend is having a temper tantrum about fucking ice cream? Okay sure there�s more to it than that, I mean we have fought pretty much non stop since I�ve gotten here. She was thrown from a horse so that means I have to stop and kiss her ever loving bruised ass all week. But I�m DONE sooo DONE!  
  
  
  
�Nick come out of the damn bathroom and talk to me!�  
  
  
  
�Are you going to stop throwing things at my head?�  
  
  
  
She has a new habit of throwing her shoes at my face. Not sure why she suddenly decided �hey I know what would be cool, hitting my boyfriend with my 7 inch stiletto heels!� but once she did, the rest was history. Have you ever been hit in the face with heels? It�s not fun.  
  
  
  
�I said I was sorry about that, now come out of there, you�re being ridiculous.�  
  
  
  
�Oh am I?�  
  
  
  
�Yes you are.� I sighed, not really sure if I wanted to open the door or not, this could have been some kind of trick, but she did sound sorry and when she was sorry she made the cutest little pout, so I opened the door.  
  
  
  
She was standing on the other side barefoot, happily and once the door opened she ran into my arms and gave me a huge kiss. �I didn�t mean to over react, I don�t know what came over me, it was only ice cream.�  
  
  
  
�It�s okay; I mean I should have asked you before I ate the last of it.�  
  
  
  
And that was what this entire argument was about. She bought ice cream because she was craving it, actually I went and got it for her in the middle of the night, because she was craving it, and then she ate maybe to bites of it and fell asleep.  
  
  
  
I was bored and there was a pint of mint chocolate chip sitting there and mocking me, telling me I was a loser if I didn�t eat it. It was using all its peer pressure tactics, so I succumbed. How was I supposed to know that she�d want it the second she woke up? And she woke up in a BAD mood!  
  
  
  
I guess that was the final straw in her eyes, because she went ballistic. She started telling me all the things I did wrong, how I didn�t appreciate her enough, how I was so selfish and stupid, I mean on and on. Then she broke out the shoes and the rest is history.  
  
  
  
As she kissed the nape of my neck though, all of those hard feelings disappeared; well okay maybe didn�t disappear but got lower if you know what I mean. Hehehe �ugh stupid cell phone!  
  
  
  
�Are you going to get that?� She asked me after it rang for the tenth time! I really need to set it for voicemail.  
  
  
  
�I guess�hang on a sec�� I moved away from her as she started to take off her clothes. This better be the most important phone call ever!  
  
  
  
�Hello?�  
  
  
  
�Nick!�  
  
  
  
�AJ?�  
  
  
  
�What�s cracka�how�s it going?�  
  
  
  
�Good�� I glanced over just as she removed her skirt. �AJ, can I call you back?�  
  
  
  
�Wait�don�t rush me off the phone dude�is there something you want to tell me?� She put music on and started dancing around me all naked and shit.  
  
  
  
�Uh�besides goodbye? No.�  
  
  
  
�Are you sure?�  
  
  
  
Now she was playing with my pants, trying to pull them down while I was talking to AJ which was SO wrong!  
  
  
  
�Yes I�m sure�I have to go!  
  
  
  
�Okay dude�I�m going to come right out and say it then�is Paris pregnant?� Well there went my sex drive�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Is she pregnant?�  
  
  
  
�Why on earth would you think that?�  
  
  
  
�Well�um�I don�t know exactly.�  
  
  
  
�Okay then�I�m going to go�AHH�.hehehe�um�yeah, I�m going now!� And with that being said I gladly hung up on my big brother and started rolling around on the floor with my shoe wielding girlfriend.  
  
  
  
What the fuck? Pregnant?  
  
  



	27. Chapter 27

**27  
  
  
  
Party at Brian�s**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Having time off was refreshing and just what I needed to get recharged and not hate life so much. It felt great to be with our families for two weeks but it felt even better coming back home and knowing that I was ready to start up once again.  
  
  
  
Leigh decided to stay at her parent�s house for an extra week and I was okay with that. I mean I didn�t want to leave them but I also didn�t want them to have to cut their time short because of me. We ended up staying at my folk�s house a little longer than we had anticipated because my brother dropped in unexpectedly. I wasn�t sure how my wife felt about that but if she was annoyed she didn�t show it.  
  
  
  
So I kissed them and left them behind, it wasn�t the first time and it probably wouldn�t be the last either.  
  
  
  
Coming back to this empty house though made me feel so lonely. How did I live being single for as along as I did? I mean I know I wasn�t single for very long at all, right after Samantha, Leigh came into the picture but even still. It�s been a long time since I�ve lived alone.  
  
  
  
I placed my bags down on the couch and checked the stack of mail that was waiting for me. Bills, bills and more bills. �Nice.� I noticed my answering machine was blinking so I walked over that way.  
  
  
  
It said I had ten messages, I shook my head. Everyone who knew my phone number also knew I�d be away so I almost deleted them all without listening, thinking they were going to be random telemarketers or something. The first few were indeed people trying to make me switch car insurance, phone companies and internet providers. It was after that it all got surreal and amusing.  
  
  
  
�Rok�it�s Bone�look I know you�re not there but you�re not picking up your cell phone. I think we have a Nick problem, something didn�t seem right when I talked to him�call me.  
  
  
  
Great a Nick problem, just the kind of problem I didn�t want to have.  
  
  
  
Message two was from AJ once again, �Oh and tell our wife I said howdy!�  
  
  
  
What a doofus!  
  
  
  
�Brian, hey it�s Kev�have you heard from Nick? I was just wondering. Give me a call.�  
  
  
  
Great�  
  
  
  
�Hey Brian�It�s AJ again�I just talked to Kevin and he seems to think that Paris is pregnant.�  
  
  
  
WHAT? I found myself banging my head against the wall.  
  
  
  
�Hey Brian, it�s Kevin again�please call me and let me know if Nick has talked to you, okay? Something is up with him�and Paris is eating.�  
  
  
  
Okay these are getting weirder by the minute.  
  
  
  
�Hey Bri, AJ again�� Oh my God�do I need a restraining order? �I talked to Nick and he said that Paris isn�t pregnant so I guess you can ignore all the other messages.�  
  
  
  
Well thank God for that one! Way to give a guy a heart attack as soon as he walks in the door. All I was missing was a call from Howie and the cycle would play out how it used to way back in the day.  
  
  
  
I decided to give Bone a call, now that my curiosity was peaked, plus I wanted some company. Maybe he could come over and entertain me for a little bit. �Yello?�  
  
  
  
�Hey Doofo!�  
  
  
  
�ROK!� He said so enthusiastically, he made it sound like we haven�t spoken in ages.  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Hey! What the heck is going on with all this Paris is pregnant talk?�  
  
  
  
�Oh, it�s nothing�false alarm.�  
  
  
  
�Well that�s good��  
  
  
  
�Tell me about it! So, are you back?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent! And how�s Leighanne?�  
  
  
  
�Still at her mom�s�  
  
  
  
�You didn�t bring our wife back with you? Rok what�s wrong with you!�  
  
  
  
�She wanted more time with her family and probably away from you too!�  
  
  
  
�Maaan, now I�m hurt.�  
  
  
  
�You�ll live�.so is your mom still here?�  
  
  
  
�No, she left three days ago. She made me clean the whole freaking house while she was here.�  
  
  
  
�Lordy it�s a miracle, you mean next time I come over I�ll actually have someplace to sit down?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.� He said drawing out the word as if he was a child being told what he had reluctantly done was a good thing. �I�m trying my best to re-clutter it up though.�  
  
  
  
�I bet you are�I was wondering if you want to come over and hang tonight?�  
  
  
  
�With you?�  
  
  
  
�No, with the monkeys.�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�AJ, you have been living with Nick for too long.�  
  
  
  
�Tell me about it, I accidentally walked into the wall this morning.� I shook my head and placed my hand over my eyes, only AJ and Nick�I swear.  
  
  
  
�Is he back yet? You can bring him along too.�  
  
  
  
�Nope, he�s still with Paris�but Howie is in town.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, okay bring him then.�  
  
  
  
�As a date? The way you said it made it sound like he�s my date. He�s a little too hairy for me.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, you�re making me regret calling you�I already have a headache.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, sorry buddy�I�ll drag my hairy gorilla over there�what time?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at the clock and tried to deduce the right amount of quiet time before the guys came over. �How about 7?�  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie smokey!�  
  
  
  
�Wow, you really have been hanging out with Nick too long.�  
  
  
  
�Yes I have�see ya later!�  
  
  
  
I hung up with AJ and thought about calling Kevin. I knew he would still be out with Kris for as long as he could be. We were due back in the studio in two days, that�s when he would be walking in. I knew this because that�s what I would have done too.  
  
  
  
I picked up the phone and gave him a call.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Kris have you see my pants?�  
  
  
  
�Which pants?�  
  
  
  
�My black pants?�  
  
  
  
She came in with her towel wrapped around her, holding my pants in her hands, �How does one lose one�s pants anyway?�  
  
  
  
�You know the saying? First the pants, then the mind��  
  
  
  
�I think you are backwards dear.� I pulled her close to me and gave her a kiss. I didn�t want to leave her, I hate when we�re apart.  
  
  
  
�I need to get dressed honey.�  
  
  
  
�No you don�t��  
  
  
  
�Yes I do�and besides the phone is ringing.�  
  
  
  
�So, you don�t have to get dressed to answer the phone.�  
  
  
  
�Do you want me to lose my job Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�Depends, will it mean more quality time for the hubby?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, with a very, very annoyed wife.� I laughed and then moved my arm so she could continue to get dressed.  
  
  
  
The phone finally stopped it�s ringing. I just didn�t feel like talking to anyone today, anyone who wasn�t as beautiful as my wife. This was the part that always sucked the most for me. The leaving thing, I was okay once I got back to work but the leaving wasn�t pleasant. I�ve always been like that, even as a kid. Don�t tell anybody, but I actually am known to whine from time to time. Only my family knows this about me and they know to keep it a secret, but yeah�I tend to get like a whiny baby the day before I leave my wife.  
  
  
  
�How long are you filming today?�  
  
  
  
She came back into the room fully dressed and putting on a pair of hoop earrings. �I think for at least 6 hours, not too long babe. Then I�m yours for the rest of the night, okay?�  
  
  
  
�You promise?�  
  
  
  
�Cross my heart and hope to die.�  
  
  
  
�Stick a needle in your eye?�  
  
  
  
�No, but I�ll stick one in yours if you�d like.�  
  
  
  
I hugged her and kissed her cheek. �I love you�hurry back.�  
  
  
  
�The quicker you let me go, the faster I can get back.�  
  
  
  
�That�s a lie�but okay.� I handed her, her purse and followed it up with one more kiss for the road, �I�ll see you later.�  
  
  
  
�What are you doing today?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll just be sitting here missing you.�  
  
  
  
�Or, you could go shopping for the things I asked you to buy�you can do that and miss me at the same time, that Kevin is called multitasking.� This is one of the many reasons I loved my wife.  
  
  
  
�Okay dear.�  
  
  
  
Now it was her, that moved close to me and gave me a huge kiss and hug, �I love you Kevin Richardson.�  
  
  
  
�I love you too.�  
  
  
  
I sighed when she walked out the door; I was such a huge sap.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I sighed when she walked out the door, what a huge relief. Is it bad to be so happy when someone you supposedly love leaves? This was anything but a relaxing little break and I was glad it was coming to an end. I saw things I didn�t much want to see the last two weeks, things that other people had warned me about but I refused to admit to knowing.  
  
  
  
We fought more than anything about the dumbest things ever; it�s not like those sappy fights where couples argue about toilet paper rolls or putting toilet seats down. Ours were full out, knock down, and drag out fights. Well on her part anyway. She�s not a nice person�I�m dating someone who�s not a very nice person�what does that say about me?  
  
  
  
Oh and did I mention that she gave me another damn black eye? I swear she�s a little firecracker. We were getting along just fine when all of the sudden she went ballistic when I mentioned me having to leave.  
  
  
  
Some would say we were meant to be together because both of our personalities are so erratic, but I swear that compared to her, I�m a pretty calm guy. Anyway, she got really angry that I wanted to leave a few days earlier than planned. She claimed she had all this stuff that she had planned for the two of us, even though since I�ve been here, we�ve been stuck in a hotel room except when she went to film parts of her show.  
  
  
  
She said, I didn�t appreciate her and took her for granted, that I was just using her for her celebrity status. Okay maybe I shouldn�t have said what I said�something about her being a fake celebrity for fucking her ex boyfriend�but still, I was mad.  
  
  
  
She started hitting me with her damn purse in the head. Seriously, does Gucci put lead in their purses? Maybe that�s why they are so expensive. The worst part? At one point I thought I was picking up a pillow to shield the blows but it was her damn dog. Yeah, that didn�t help at all. Suddenly we added dog abuse to the list of all the things that were wrong with me, poor Tinkerbelle.  
  
  
  
I think if he had the choice, he�d come with me.  
  
  
  
So she pummeled me and then left. That�s how we said our goodbye�s�isn�t that romantic?  
  
  
  
I�m proud of myself though, I stuck my ground and still plan on leaving today. The old me would have went crying to her, beg for her forgiveness and would have stuck around for at least another day. I�m such a man! Go me!  
  
  
  
I should stay just until my bruise heals because I really am not anxious for the guys to see it. They already aren�t too fond of her and I�m sure this will only make it worse. As for me, I�m rolling around in a ball of confusion right now. Last night I toyed with the idea of breaking it off with her, just saying �you know what? It�s been fun but we just aren�t meant to be� and possibly adding the word psycho in there. I was mad last night; she left me and went to hang out with some guy she met at a bar. I know she did that to make me mad, she probably didn�t even hang out with him at all, she probably ended up in Nicole�s room but still�she loves playing the little mind games. It pissed her off that I didn�t act like it bothered me at all. It did though; I went into the bathroom and punched the wall.  
  
  
  
Ah well, at least we�re done for now. Maybe this time apart will do us some good and when she comes back home in a few weeks, we�ll have that spark again.  
  
  
  
�Hello?� I answered the phone the second it began to ring, hoping it was her so I could apologize for being such a dick.  
  
  
  
�Nick.� And I groaned when I heard Kevin�s voice.  
  
  
  
�Hey Kev.�  
  
  
  
�Did I catch you at a bad time?�  
  
  
  
I sat down on the bed and looked at my eye in the mirror, �No, I was just packing to come home.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, I thought you�d be waiting until the last minute.�  
  
  
  
�Nah, Paris is really busy so I figured I�d take a day to veg at home before we started up again.�  
  
  
  
He paused, just like I knew he would. �How are things going with the two of you anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Good I guess.�  
  
  
  
�You guess?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�hey Kevin, I hate to cut this short but I should really get going otherwise I�m going to miss my flight.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�well, I guess I�ll see ya in a few days then little man.�  
  
  
  
�See you then bro!� I felt bad ushering him off the phone but, I just couldn�t deal with a Kevin grilling today. Besides, I bet he�s the one that started all the Paris is pregnant nonsense.  
  
  
  
I looked at my reflection in the mirror once more and placed my fingers on my puffy eye. Maybe makeup would work. I bet AJ has cover up at home that I could use. It�s sad he has a make up bag isn�t it? What�s even sadder is that fact that I�ll be rummaging through it later.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�I really need a manicure; I mean my nails look horrible. I�ll have to make an appointment with Nancy before we head back to the studio.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, do you ever listen to yourself?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Howie as I blew on my nails. I had just painted them black and was trying to dry them out. �Why?�  
  
  
  
�Because you just sounded like my Aunt Marge.�  
  
  
  
�Dude, you don�t even have an Aunt Marge.�  
  
  
  
�Well, if I did she would sound a lot like you, don�t you find that disturbing? I know I do.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, it�s totally fine to be in touch with your feminine side every once in awhile.�  
  
  
  
�Every once in a while maybe but dang��  
  
  
  
�Oh this comes from a man who has more body lotion and hair cream then all of the Backstreet women put together�  
  
  
  
�Touch�. And I have to say, this place really is pretty clean Jay, I�m impressed.�  
  
  
  
�You heard my mother nagging.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but I thought for sure it would look like a pigsty again by now.�  
  
  
  
�Did Leigh get off okay?�  
  
  
  
Howie nodded at me and sat down, �Yup, it was nice having her out here. She�s going to try to make it out at the end of the month for a week or so.�  
  
  
  
�That�s good.�  
  
  
  
�I�m also trying to get my mom to come for a visit.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t let her come here; I don�t need momma D on my back for a messy place either.�  
  
  
  
He laughed but I was serious, Howie�s mother acted as my sub mom. She was awesome and the best part about her, she didn�t ever hit back handed. �That will be nice seeing your mom out here.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I agree�so what time are we heading to Brian�s?�  
  
  
  
�In a few minutes�my nails have to dry first.� He gave me a look and a shake of the head but I�m sorry, a guy can�t afford to mess up his nails just to be on time.  
  
  
  
The door swung open and I swear I almost had a gabillion heart attacks at once. Nick walked in carrying a ton of bags and then kicked the door closed with his foot.  
  
  
  
�Now that was quite an entrance Nicky.� Howie said as the blonde removed a bag from his mouth. �Hey guys, if I had known you were here; I would have had you come pick me up at the airport.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yes, too bad because I would have loved to drive around LAX all night again because you couldn�t remember what airline you flew in on.� He smirked at me, then walked over and gave me a hug. It was nice seeing my little buddy again. �Watch the nails�� I warned because I didn�t want to get polish all over his white shirt. What? I didn�t...okay stop looking at me like that!  
  
  
  
�It�s nice seeing you again man�you too D.� He walked over and grabbed Howie in a hug but of course also added a wet, sloppy kiss, anything to make Howard cringe.  
  
  
  
�Nicky, what happened to your eye?� D asked quickly pulling away and placing his fingers gingerly on Nick�s black eye�Nick has another friggin black eye!  
  
  
  
�Oh this, It�s nothing.�  
  
  
  
I walked closer to look at the �nothing� we were referring to. It had to be bad if Howie noticed it. I am convinced one of our heads could be missing and D wouldn�t be aware of it until someone mentioned it to him.  
  
  
  
�Wow that�s quite a shiner man.�  
  
  
  
He looked embarrassed; did he not think we would see that? He must have been the type of kid that would hide in plain sight while playing hide and seek and not understand why he was always found. On second thought never mind, I already know he was that type of kid because that�s how he used to try to hide on us when he was younger.  
  
  
  
�Did Paris do that to you?� Is Howie sounding mad? Wow!  
  
  
  
�It�s not a big deal, we got into a small fight and she accidentally hit me.�  
  
  
  
�Accidentally, just like the last time?�  
  
  
  
�D, it�s no big deal�she apologized. She felt really bad about it. Let�s not blow it out of proportion, okay?�  
  
  
  
Howie looked over at me like I was supposed to say something. Why did he always do that? What exactly am I supposed to say? �How can someone who weighs five pounds manage to constantly beat the crap out of you?� See? No good can come out of me when put on the spot to say something.  
  
  
  
�Whatever, it�s not a big deal!� Yeah it was, I could tell by the slight shift of his body language and the subtle way he tried to exit.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to go crash for a bit, I�m exhausted.�  
  
  
  
�We are going over Rok�s you should come.�  
  
  
  
He turned towards me and thought about it for a few minutes, �Bri is back?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �And alone. Leigh is still with her family.� I figured that would entice him to follow us.  
  
  
  
�Nah, I think I�ll pass. I don�t feel like getting into why I got this�� He pointed to his eye.  
  
  
  
�I get ya dude�okay, well I�ll be back later then. If you change your mind, you know where to find us.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and then walked into his room and shut the door.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe she hit him again! Why the hell is he still with her? I mean how stupid does the guy have to be?� AJ looked at me like I had ten heads but I didn�t care, she really got me mad, not that it took much where Paris was concerned but still.  
  
  
  
�Howie��  
  
  
  
�No, AJ�there�s no defending what she did.� He put his hands up defensively. I didn�t mean to yell at him... It�s just that I take abusive behavior seriously. My oldest sister Angie was once in an abusive relationship, she would come home with black eyes and bruises and always said it was no big deal, he just got a little mad.  
  
  
  
He broke her arm once and that was that. When he came to the hospital to see her, I walked over to the guy�keep in mind I was maybe all of 10 at the time, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I kicked him in the nuts and told him never to touch my sister again. He raised a hand to hit me but my family was all over him like white on rice. That was the end of him.  
  
  
  
�He always gets himself into these relationships, I don�t get it.�  
  
  
  
�He�s a really bad decision maker, if you haven�t figured that out by now D.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but still�did you see his eye? And every time she talks to him�she treats her dog better than that.�  
  
  
  
�I know dude, it�s messed up but it�s not like we can do anything about it. He�s not a little kid anymore Howie. Even though he still acts like one and even still freaking plays with toys�he�s not a child.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but AJ�this can�t go on.�  
  
  
  
�What do you have in mind?� That was a great question, what did I have in mind? I mean that didn�t involve her in a bag at the bottom of the ocean. I�m not too fond of Paris.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�maybe Kevin should talk to him.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah, because we all know how well that always goes.�  
  
  
  
�What about Brian, he listens to Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Not anymore�D, Nick is complex if any of us tell him what to do he�s not going to listen.�  
  
  
  
�He�d listen to Tommy Lee.� I said as sarcastically as possible, but deep down inside I was actually considering it. Yeah, okay Howie�maybe not.  
  
  
  
�Wait, don�t you mean Tommy freakin Lee?� Despite how horribly angry I was, that made me laugh. �Maybe they�ll just fade away, I mean he did come home early, I take that as a good sign, don�t you?� He continued, placing a hand on my shoulder.  
  
  
  
�She probably kicked him out.�  
  
  
  
�Probably��  
  
  
  
I couldn�t believe how worked up I was, this kid was the same one who constantly did anything in his power to annoy the crap out of me, yet I was so protective of his ass. Ugh!  
  
  
  
�I�ve never seen you like this before Howie. I mean I have, but never about anything like this. It�s cute.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up AJ, you really are a girl aren�t you?�  
  
  
  
�Damn!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I just broke my nail!�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him as we turned into Brian�s driveway, �I�m sure you can borrow one of Leighanne�s nail files.�  
  
  
  
�Everything will work out Howie�I�ll talk to him tonight when I get home, okay?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at AJ, I know he was as worried as I was, but he was refraining from showing it to me.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God, is Brian wearing an apron?� I looked up and sure enough, he was.  
  
  
  
�What in the world is happening to us?� I asked as we walked up the front steps and greeted out host, who was also wearing a lobster claw oven mit.  
  
  



	28. Chapter 28

  
****

**28  
  
  
  
Bring in the stunt sandwich�.**

  
  
  
I stayed in my bed just staring at the walls, debating on if I should go over to Brian�s or not. I know that sounds like a babyish thing to do, but now that I knew the other guys were over there, I kind of felt jealous. Thoughts like �I wonder if he would have invited me if he knew I was here� went through my mind. The same kinds of thoughts I used to have after the Black and Blue tour. You know what sucks? Having an internal struggle when Brian was concerned. I never used to do that, he was always the one person I never had to second guess.  
  
  
  
I miss my Brian.  
  
  
  
I sat up and yawned, okay�maybe I will go over. I mean, if I wear a pair of sunglasses no one would be the wiser�oh who am I kidding? I�m sure AJ and Howie have both told him by now that I have been battered once again.  
  
  
  
I plopped back down on my bed. Nope I�m staying right here, besides it�s nice having the place to myself. Perhaps I�ll dance around naked�. There�s nothing wrong with some naked dancing right?  
  
  
  
I sat up and threw my legs over the side of my very comfy bed. But first I�ll check messages. Maybe Paris called. I have to admit that I thought by now there would have been at least three messages on my phone from her, crying and saying how sorry she was for being an uber bitch.  
  
  
  
Standing and scratching�I�ll leave where to your imagination�I walked over to check my phone. Of course there was not one single missed call on there so the calm, rational guy in me picked it up the phone and flung it across the room where it flew right out my window. If I wasn�t so mad, I would have been impressed with myself because my window was only opened a crack to begin with. That took skill, of which I am loaded with.  
  
  
  
Instead of being impressed though I started jumping up and down and having a hissy fit. Good for me, �Son of a mother�s whore!� I walked over and threw opened the window all the way and sure enough there was the phone lying in the bushes.  
  
  
  
�What the fuck? Is that a sandwich?� It looked like there was a half eaten sandwich in the bushes right next to it. How odd! Is AJ eating and then just flinging stuff out of the window when he�s done? Wait�maybe I did that? I kind of remember being drunk off my ass a few weeks ago and eating in my room. Did I throw it out the window?  
  
  
  
�AHH!� I decided to grunt, because it just felt like the right thing to do and then I took a flying leap right back onto my comfy bed. That was that�I�m not leaving today. In fact, they will have to come pry me off of my bed if they ever want me to leave it again!  
  
  
  
I can�t believe she hasn�t fucking called me! I mean what the hell is that all about? She was such a bitch to me, beat me with her damn purse and then doesn�t call me? Well then she can fuck herself!  
  
  
  
I sat back up and put my legs over the side of the bed and stood up again, what if she tries to call while my phone is in the bushes? The last thing I need is for her to think I�m blowing her off or something. Maybe she tried to call when I was going through a tunnel? Your phone loses reception when you go through tunnels. It�s a possibility that she did and I�m getting all annoyed for no reason.  
  
  
  
Except for the fact that I didn�t go through any fucking tunnels! �SHIT!� I said that because I kicked the bed with my bare feet. It hurt like hell.  
  
  
  
I hate the way she makes me feel. I know I tend to be a little on the stupid side when it comes to girls but she flat out makes me retarded! Alright, that�s it�I made up my mind; I�m going back to bed.  
  
  
  
I ran over to the bed and plopped back down this time landing with my face in my pillow. It wasn�t meant to be, that�s all there was to it. Our relationship was a disaster, I mean one second she�s nice, the next we�re fighting and I�m using her little dog as a shield. It makes no sense.  
  
  
  
I mean I could lay here all day and make rationalizations as to why she didn�t call me back yet, she�s busy working on her show. It�s possible they have her picking up road kill or something like that. How could I expect her to call me when she�s in the middle of cleaning up dead deer?  
  
  
  
Just then I heard something�it was faint but definitely there, the Pac Man theme which was my ring tone on my phone. I sat up and quickly ran towards the window! �Shit!!� I said once again as I stuck my head out there and tried to bend all the way to grab at it. It was just out of my reach so I bent a little but more and then�fell out the window and landed on my back.  
  
  
  
�Okay that hurt!� I was barely able to get up as I lay in the bushes, thorn bushes it felt like. �I�m in hell.�  
  
  
  
The phone was still ringing away so I reached over and grabbed it. She was so going to pay for this one. I will have her fulfilling all of my wishes after the way she treated me. But yes, thank God she called!  
  
  
  
�Hey babe��  
  
  
  
�Nick?� Oh my God�kill me freaking now because I did not just fall out of a God damned window for�  
  
  
  
�Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�Are you alright? You sound like you have been crying or something.�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes; yes despite the pain I was in�it�s a force of habit. I think even if my eyes were to pop out of my head, they�d still be rolling when Kevin called. �I�m not crying�Kev�this is kind of a bad time.�  
  
  
  
�I was just checking to see if you made it home okay.�  
  
  
  
I think I may die right here in these bushes. �Yeah��  
  
  
  
�Are you sure you�re okay?�  
  
  
  
�I just fell out my window trying to answer the phone and I think I may have broken my head.�  
  
  
  
�You did what now?�  
  
  
  
�I fell out the window trying to answer my phone.�  
  
  
  
�How the hell�you really fell out of your window?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Answering the phone?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�I�do you�I mean�� Wow I rendered him speechless, now that took talent. I was really quite the talented guy today.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be okay�a sandwich broke my fall.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, are you on some kind of drugs or something?� I laughed which hurt like hell, but I would have probably thought the same thing if someone had just said that to me.  
  
  
  
�No, I really fell out the window.�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God�should I call an ambulance? Is anything broken? Are you bleeding?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be okay, but I should go before someone sees me laying here and thinks I�m dead.�  
  
  
  
He sounded panicked now; I knew I shouldn�t have mentioned the falling out the window thing or the dead thing. �What year were you born?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin��  
  
  
  
�Nick, answer me, what year?�  
  
  
  
�1980.�  
  
  
  
�Who is our president?�  
  
  
  
�Are you freaking kidding me? Are you filling out a survey or something?�  
  
  
  
�No idiot, I�m making sure you are okay.�  
  
  
  
�By asking me who the President it?�  
  
  
  
�Well? Who is he?�  
  
  
  
�Bush! Just like the one that is sticking me in the ass right now.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing�Kevin, I really should go.�  
  
  
  
�You should stay on the phone with me until help comes.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t need help.� I said slowly sitting up and then quickly sitting back down. Okay maybe a little help, but I wasn�t about to tell him that.  
  
  
  
�Should I call an ambulance?�  
  
  
  
�NO! I�m okay, I don�t need an ambulance.�  
  
  
  
�Where is AJ? Maybe I should try to find him for you.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin�take a deep breath buddy, everything is going to be fine. Just let me go so I can get myself out of the bushes and cleaned off.�  
  
  
  
He hesitated a few minutes, I could tell he was going over his �what to do when a BSB falls out the window� page in his anal retentive manual. �Okay if you�re sure��  
  
  
  
I can�t believe it; he�s actually going to let me get off the phone? What the fuck?  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�m okay.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, I�m going to call to check up on you in a little bit though.�  
  
  
  
�Fine.� And that was our conversation. He actually hung up on me at that point. I thought for sure he�d insist on staying on the phone with me to make sure I got up okay. �What the fuck is going on with everybody?� I asked all confused as I continued to lie on top of a sandwich in the bushes.  
  
  
  
Maybe she tried to call when I was on the other line�I�d better check!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I loved Brian�s house, it was so big and homey but then again I have a feeling even if it was tiny, it would still feel like home. Brian has always been like that, he could take whatever he was dealt with and make it seem like home. I�m sure it�s a quality he picked up from his mom and dad who would do the same thing. We�d always be amazed that when they�d come out and see us perform, Brian�s parents could take a hotel room and make it look like a small cottage.  
  
  
  
�Hey D, check this out�� I glanced over at AJ who was holding a bottle of bubbles in his hand with a giant wand. Yes, you heard right�I said bubbles. And he accused Nicky of still playing with toys. They both were just overgrown children.  
  
  
  
I looked over and watched as AJ attempted to blow a huge bubble. It did get pretty big but it popped before he had a chance to release it into the air. �Damn!�  
  
  
  
�Sorry buddy�maybe with a little more practice.�  
  
  
  
�I did it once before.�  
  
  
  
�Why can I see you practicing?�  
  
  
  
�Howie, there is no practicing involved, it takes pure skill.�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh�where is our host anyway?�  
  
  
  
�In the kitchen.�  
  
  
  
I stood up, �I�m going to go see if he needs any help.�  
  
  
  
�You�re going to miss it dude.� He said once again getting ready to blow the world�s biggest bubble.  
  
  
  
�Just yell for me.� I shook my head as I ventured towards the kitchen.  
  
  
  
You know, I�ve always wanted a house like this. I�m not sure why I haven�t ever bought one. I mean at one point even Nick had a house but me, I�ve always leaned more towards condos for some reason, maybe because I associate houses with families. What�s the purpose of having a house if you have no one to occupy it?  
  
  
  
Leading into the kitchen was a wall strewn with pictures. I mean pictures everywhere and not one single one of the band. I wasn�t sure how to take that exactly, I knew Brian was always great when it came to separating work with family but in a way, that same quality he had always made me annoyed. Probably because I felt like these guys were part of my family. I think maybe he does too but not to the extent that the rest of us do.  
  
  
  
As I entered the kitchen there he was in his apron with spatula in hand turning what I think was steak, although it was so burnt it was hard to say. I knew we should have just ordered Chinese or something. He was on the phone and nodded at me as I walked in.  
  
  
  
�Kevin slow down�I can hardly understand you��  
  
  
  
Wow he had to tell Kevin to slow down? Kevin is the slowest talker I know. This means only one thing�Nick.  
  
  
  
�He did what?� Yup�I was right. I could tell by the way Brian looked over at me with a confused look on his face.  
  
  
  
�Kev�slow down�I�m sure he�s okay.�  
  
  
  
�What happened?� I felt it was time to step in with the questions now.  
  
  
  
Brian looked over at me again and place his hand over the phone so Kevin couldn�t hear him. �I think Kevin might have lost his mind.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�He�s saying something about Nick falling out a window and landing on a sandwich.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
Brian shrugged then went back to his conversation, trying his best to calm his cousin down. I think we all need to win an award for having the weirdest conversations ever.  
  
  
  
�D!!! Come here quick!! I did it!!� Speaking of which�  
  
  
  
Brian once again placed his hand over the phone, �What�s that about?�  
  
  
  
�AJ�blowing the biggest bubble ever�� I shook my head and Brian laughed.  
  
  
  
�D!!! Aww fuck a duck�you missed it!�  
  
  
  
�Yeah Kevin�that was AJ�yeah he did say what you think he said.�  
  
  
  
�I know�I wish he wouldn�t cuss so much too!� Brian screamed so that AJ would hear him.  
  
  
  
That of course sent our little tattooed rebel into the kitchen to join us. I knew he�d feel like he was missing something. �What are you guys up to?� He asked me when he saw Brian on the phone.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Just hanging, he�s talking to Kevin who seems to think that Nick fell out of a window and landed on a sandwich.� Okay�well how about we file that one under things you don�t hear everyday.  
  
  
  
�And why does he think this?�  
  
  
  
�Your guess is as good as mine.�  
  
  
  
�Okay Kev�I�ll call him and make sure he�s okay. I�m sure you heard wrong though��  
  
  
  
It amazed me how protective Kevin was of our youngest bonehead. Sometimes it was borderline annoying. I mean, I know Nick needs guidance and is a complete and utter mess, but still�  
  
  
  
�Okay Kev�we�ll see you tomorrow. Tell Kris we all say hello.� He hung up the phone and scratched his head, �That was a weird conversation.�  
  
  
  
�He called to tell you Nick fell out a window?� Howie asked watching Brian as he walked over towards us with a plate of brown stuff.  
  
  
  
�He said that Nick fell out the window trying to answer his cell phone.�  
  
  
  
How crazy is it, that I can actually see that happening? �How come he knows this and we don�t?�  
  
  
  
�Because he called to see if Nick made it home okay, I thought he wasn�t coming back until tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�I know dude, I was shocked to see him too.�  
  
  
  
�Didn�t you tell him to come over AJ?� He looked like he was annoyed with me.  
  
  
  
�He said he was tired.�  
  
  
  
�She gave him a black eye again and he didn�t want you to see!� Howie added, disdain in his voice. What a tattle tale.  
  
  
  
�What? Why does he put up with that crap?�  
  
  
  
�I wish I knew Brian.�  
  
  
  
�She�s probably outstanding in bed.� They both looked over at me, �What? It�s probably true��  
  
  
  
�I�m going to call him�make sure he didn�t really fall out the window.� I nodded at him, better to be safe than sorry.  
  
  
  
He looked up Nick�s number then stood patiently while he waited for the blonde to answer.  
  
  
  
�Hey Nick, no it�s Brian�sorry to disappoint you.� He placed his hand over the receiver, �He just called me baby��  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�Listen�I just got a weird call from Kevin��  
  
  
  
�Yeah... I know she�s not pregnant, that was kind of weird too but this one was even�� he paused and his eyes grew wide. Uh oh�  
  
  
  
�Nick, how the hell did that even happen? My God�are you okay? Who�s the President?� Brian started pacing back and forth.  
  
  
  
�What? NO�1980 is not the president of the US�oh, he did?�  
  
  
  
Howie and I just sat staring at Brian and listening to the conversation. If that numb nuts fell out of the window I was never ever going to let him live it down. Good thing the idiot is on the first floor. Maybe I�d have to invest in those bars that people get to keep their children from climbing out the windows.  
  
  
  
�Do I need to call an ambulance?�  
  
  
  
Oh God�he really did fall out the freaking window!  
  
  
  
�What kind of sandwich?�  
  
  
  
That made Howie shake his head again as he played nervously with his brown blob that I think was supposed to be a steak maybe?  
  
  
  
�Look, you hang on, AJ, Howie and I will be right there�don�t move!� He hung up the phone and took off his apron, �He is outside in the bushes lying on top of a Turkey sandwich from Subway.� I swear one day when I have time�I�m going to take all of these odd and random quotes and make myself a book out of them.  
  
  
  
�Unbelievable�� I said, but was it really?  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I was speeding, trying to go through side streets to get to Nick�s place as fast as possible. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, most of them not very good. First of all, he blew me off again. If he had just come to my place for dinner he wouldn�t have fallen out of the window. Secondly, what if it wasn�t an accident?  
  
  
  
�You don�t think he�d jump out the window intentionally do you? I mean��  
  
  
  
�Rok, don�t think like that.� AJ was quick to interrupt but I couldn�t help it. I know how Nick can be when it comes to women and this one is just doing things to him.  
  
  
  
�But you said he had a black eye�he thought I was her when I called.�  
  
  
  
�He wouldn�t do that Brian, he probably just fell.�  
  
  
  
�Out the window, answering the phone?� I mean, come on now.  
  
  
  
We turned into his driveway and instantly ran out of the car and towards the back where he was supposedly lying. �Nick!� I screamed.  
  
  
  
�Over here!� I saw an arm shoot up from the middle of a rose bush�oh a rose bush�that had to hurt.  
  
  
  
I ran closer to him and saw his feet dangling out onto the grass. It looked like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where the wicked witch of the north is just feet, although substitute the ruby slippers for bare feet.  
  
  
  
�How long have you been lying there Nick?� I asked trying to get myself in the bushes without being pricked.  
  
  
  
�Oh�I don�t know�a little bit, not that long.� He said, sounding oddly very calm like he did this every day of his life.  
  
  
  
Now Howie and AJ also made their way into the bushes where we were able to slowly pick him up and get him to a standing position. He was swaying on his feet but thankfully it looked like nothing was broken. He was scratched up though, but nothing major, thank God.  
  
  
  
�So, how did this happen again?� AJ asked once we were finally clear of the bush.  
  
  
  
�I got mad and threw my phone out the widow.�  
  
  
  
�Then you thought you would throw yourself out here too?�  
  
  
  
�No Howie�actually it rang so I tried to bend down to get it.�  
  
  
  
�Nick unless you�re stretch Armstrong, there is no way you can reach the bushes from the window.� I said looking at the long drop. I mean it was the first floor but still, we�re talking at least a 7 foot drop.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I got that now. I wasn�t thinking�I was just afraid it would be Paris and I would miss her call.� Wow I wanted to smack him, perhaps slap some sense into that noggin of his. He fell out a window trying not to miss a call from Paris. That is INSANE!  
  
  
  
�Did she call?� Howie asked looking over at me with a look of disgust.  
  
  
  
He shook his head, was he about to cry?  
  
  
  
�No, she didn�t�unless she called on my real phone while I was outside.�  
  
  
  
We made it to the back door where AJ was quick to open it and let us inside, of course it wasn�t locked because�duh, why would it be? I mean that would be safe and Lord knows we mustn�t be safe�ever!  
  
  
  
We helped him onto the couch, �Are you going to be okay?� I asked him now as I sat right beside him.  
  
  
  
He nodded, �I�m fine�sorry for ruining your little get together guys. I told Kevin not to call you.�  
  
  
  
�I�m glad he did otherwise I would have come home to find you eaten by raccoons.� AJ said as he handed his roommate a glass of water.  
  
  
  
�I�m such a fuck up.�  
  
  
  
As much as I wanted to say he wasn�t, I couldn�t do it�I think he sensed that too and that made us both kind of sad.  
  
  
  
�Well at least you saved us from having to eat whatever the hell Brian was making.�  
  
  
  
�Those were steaks AJ, and they would have been wonderful.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure they would have�but let�s order out. What do you feel like having Nicky?� Howie asked our youngest member who seemed distracted as he stared at the unblinking answering machine.  
  
  
  
�I don�t care�whatever you guys want.�  
  
  
  
�Pizza and porn it is!�  
  
  
  
�AJ!�  
  
  
  
�Okay�fine�Chinese and porn and Nick you need to shower dude�you smell like rancid Mayonnaise.�  
  
  
  
�Before you do, there aren�t any open windows in the bathroom right?� Howie asked as AJ and I started cracking up.  
  



	29. Chapter 29

****

**29  
  
  
  
Back to Business**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It felt good to be back, I mean it sucked saying goodbye to Kris, just like I knew it would but once I managed to shake off that humdrum feeling of being alone again a feeling of relief washed through me. Howie was right, we took a break and the world did not end. Sure one of us fell out a window, but other than that, it was all good.  
  
  
  
I sat at the console and placed my hands above my head, leaning back and letting out a sigh. Am I even smiling? Why yes, I think I might be. Maybe we should do this more often, take a little break from the craziness when we�re ready to kill each other.  
  
  
  
I pulled up the songs we would be working on today. There were three new ones in the pile. �Oh look, more R and B��  
  
  
  
�Hey Kev!� I turned and smiled at my cousin when he walked into the room. He looked well rested too and tan. I�m not sure how he always managed to get a tan whenever we had any time off. He was in Kentucky and Georgia for heaven�s sake. Maybe it was one of those fake tans?  
  
  
  
�Kevin why are you laughing?�  
  
  
  
�No reason, so how are things?� He placed the Starbucks cup he was carrying down on the table and sat down beside me.  
  
  
  
�Good, the break was nice. Leigh and Bay are still at her mom�s house.�  
  
  
  
�Everybody all good?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I even saw Harold. He sends his love.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent.�  
  
  
  
�When did you get in?�  
  
  
  
�This morning�I took a cab here from the airport.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, you don�t fool around huh?� He asked me smiling as he blew on his coffee.  
  
  
  
�No way, not when my wife is concerned.�  
  
  
  
�I know the feeling.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him just as Howie walked in the door. He looked great too, everyone looked so calm and recharged, and it was awesome.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys!�  
  
  
  
�Sup D!� He thought that was pretty amusing.  
  
  
  
�Nothing dawg�sup witchu?�  
  
  
  
�There can only be one ghetto white boy in this group, sorry to disappoint you both.� We both laughed at Brian.  
  
  
  
�How is the ghetto white boy anyway?� I asked, thinking of me last phone conversation with Nick. When I called back to check up on him, he was already asleep.  
  
  
  
�Sore�he�s not coming in today. We told him to stay in bed with the windows locked.�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded, �Good, if he showed up I was going to tell him to go home anyway.�  
  
  
  
�Isn�t that what started all of the stress in the first place Kevin?� My cousin had one of his trademark, �I�m a smartass and I know it� looks going on.  
  
  
  
�I still can�t believe he fell out the window.� Why I couldn�t believe this was anyone�s guess. After I got off the phone with Nick I called Kris and told her about what had happened and after she got done laughing she said, �And this surprises you because?�  
  
  
  
�He�s just lucky nothing was broken, but he looks like hell. He�s all scratched up and his back is bruised.� Brian said while shaking his head.  
  
  
  
�Yes, it goes along very nicely with his eye.� Howie added, shaking his head as well.  
  
  
  
�He hurt his eye too?�  
  
  
  
�Well he didn�t��  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Brian, �Do I want to know?�  
  
  
  
�Believe me you don�t want to know.� My cousin answered.  
  
  
  
�Where is AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Probably being a nursemaid. He�ll be here soon.�  
  
  
  
�I think we should buy some childproof locks for the windows.�  
  
  
  
�I already helped AJ put them on last night.� Okay I was only kidding but when Brian said that I just about peed myself. Brian has turned into such a daddy.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Are those locks really necessary?� I looked over at the big blob lying in the bed and shook my head at him. In fact all I found myself doing ever since we got his ass inside yesterday was shake my head at him. �I mean, I fell out because I reached down there, it�s not like I just happened to be walking by the window and fell through.� He finished as if that was an okay excuse for a grown man to fall out of a window.  
  
  
  
�You know dude, if that was the case, it almost would have been better.�  
  
  
  
�But childproof locks?�  
  
  
  
�If you want the window opened all you have to do is ask.�  
  
  
  
�But��  
  
  
  
�Look�you�re lucky Brian didn�t buy you an adult sized crib last night. I�m never going to Home Depot with him ever again. He�s like a crazy guy in that store.� I walked over and sat on the bed next to my friend. I loved rubbing his stupidity in. I have done my fair share of dumb things but I think no matter what anyone does, this one will win for at least a year.  
  
  
  
Brian was highly amusing last night, after we got Nick into bed, after taking him to the hospital to get checked out. He grabbed me all serious like and said, �We are going to Home Depot right now and buying locks for those windows.� I thought he was only kidding but he most definitely was not. He made Howie stay to baby-sit Nick (I swear to God, I�m not kidding) and then the two of us took off.  
  
  
  
He was a man on a mission, grabbing a clerk and having him show us all of these child proof locks. I swear I really had to try my hardest not to laugh because the guy asked how old his son was and Brian said it wasn�t for his son but for a friend. Of course the clerk thought he meant a friend�s child but only we knew differently.  
  
  
  
He showed us how to install these locks then sent us on our merry way. By the time we got back to my place, Nick was sound asleep and snoring loudly from the pain killers the doctor had prescribed him. Howie was watching �Queer eye for the Straight Guy� and quickly changed the channel before he thought we�d notice. I made a mental note to make fun of him for that later. Only one major mocking an hour, that�s my motto.  
  
  
  
The three of us marched into Nick�s room and placed a lock on each one of his windows. We made fun of him the entire time, well at least Howie and I did. Surprisingly Brian was taking this whole thing entirely too seriously and okay maybe it was wrong of us to be making fun of him while he was asleep and unable to defend himself, but still. I do it when he�s awake to if that makes you feel any better.  
  
  
  
These particular locks came with a key, so even if the child in question could figure out how to open the window they still wouldn�t be able to get it more than three inches open without the aide of a key. The key which I had the honor of holding!  
  
  
  
�I am so friggin sore��  
  
  
  
�Nick you fell out of a god damned window into a rose bush, what did you think you�d feel like?�  
  
  
  
�But I thought by now I�d feel better. My back hurts.�  
  
  
  
�Do you want anything before I go?�  
  
  
  
�I want to come! I can�t believe you are making me stay here.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not, your doctor is.�  
  
  
  
�He�ll never know.�  
  
  
  
�You are already complaining about being in pain and whining��  
  
  
  
�I�m not whining!�  
  
  
  
�You�re whining�and I don�t blame you because I would be too, but still�I�m not listening to you whine all damn day. Stay put!�  
  
  
  
�This is so dumb!� He crossed his arms and pouted, I know�you all think that�s adorable *sigh* he�s 24 years old!  
  
  
  
�Well falling out a window to answer a cell phone was dumber.�  
  
  
  
�Dumber?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�more dumberer? Even more dumb?�  
  
  
  
Nick rolled his eyes at me and grinned, �How about we just say stupid.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, that works for me.�  
  
  
  
�You guys all think I�m a jackass for doing that don�t you?�  
  
  
  
�No, not for that�we already had you pegged as a jackass by your 13th birthday Carter.�  
  
  
  
�You suck AJ!�  
  
  
  
�But I don�t swallow! HA!� I placed my hand on his leg, and tried to be serious for a second, �Do you need anything before I go?�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m good I guess.�  
  
  
  
�You sure? You want some water or your medicine?�  
  
  
  
He shook his head at me, �I�ll manage.�  
  
  
  
�Is your cell phone right next to you? I made sure I super glued it to the nightstand so you wouldn�t be tempted to jump after it.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up!� He rolled his eyes at me again, yup�I�m good.  
  
  
  
I stood up and winked at him, �Okay kiddo�seriously, if you need me for anything just call okay?�  
  
  
  
�She still hasn�t called me.� Damn�almost made it out the door.  
  
  
  
I turned towards him and tried to act like I wasn�t happy about that. Truth was we were all kind of glad she was blowing him off. Call it tough love, but he was better off without her in the long run. �Don�t give up on her yet Kaos, maybe she�s busy.�  
  
  
  
�It�s been two days.�  
  
  
  
�That�s not long at all.� Okay I lied. It was long in Paris time. This is the girl that called him once an hour religiously.  
  
  
  
He nodded at me and then laid his head back on the pillow, �Tell the guys I said to not have too much fun without me.�  
  
  
  
�I will�and don�t worry, every time one of us cracks a joke about you today, we�ll be doing it with the utmost love for you.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, go away!�  
  
  
  
I chuckled as I tucked my window key into my pocket and headed for the studio.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I have been trying to write some songs that I felt would be a good fit for this album, that�s pretty much what I did on our little break. I must have come up with at least 20 different songs, but ended up throwing about half of them out. I wish I wasn�t so picky when it came to my own stuff; it�s just that I am my own worst critic. I have gotten better over the years. There was a time I was so unconfident in my abilities as a songwriter that I wouldn�t even allow anyone to listen to things I had written. The other guys would come in with stuff that they had lying around their places, some really good and some really bad. We would listen to it and inside I�d be saying �I should have never thrown away that song.� I still say today that if I was a little more confident back in 98, half of the songs on Millennium would have been songs penned by me.  
  
  
  
I sound incredibly cocky saying that, who do I think I am anyway�AJ?  
  
  
  
�D, what do you think about this one?� I glanced over at Kevin. He was whispering as we listened to Brian singing in the booth.  
  
  
  
�I don�t really like this one either. What�s it called?�  
  
  
  
�Over her.�  
  
  
  
�It�s horrible, we really need better stuff than this, I�m remembering why I was so stressed out now.� I smiled at Kevin; already he was getting that familiar stressed look on his face.  
  
  
  
�I know this much is�true!� AJ sang as he walked in the door.  
  
  
  
�Hey AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Hey guys�Kevy!!�  
  
  
  
�Hey!�  
  
  
  
�What�s with the True song?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at him, �It�s one of the ones that the record company sent over.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�okay.� He sighed and took a seat next to Kevin. �So I see the crap keeps on a rolling in then.�  
  
  
  
�Glad we�re not the only ones who think that.�  
  
  
  
�What about Rok? Does he like this?�  
  
  
  
�He hasn�t said, but judging by the look on his face, I�m going with no Bob.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should all get together and write something as the five of us�you know like how we did for Black and Blue?� Kevin suggested as the song finally ended and Brian walked back into the room.  
  
  
  
�There�s always Max�� AJ added.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should call Max. I talked to him the other day; he said he thought he had some great stuff to send our way.�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded but Brian didn�t look like he thought it was a good idea, �What Bri?� I asked.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, I just feel like we�d be taking a step backwards if we went with Max.�  
  
  
  
�You can�t actually call all of the crap we�ve been recording a step in the right direction though, can you?� I was proud of myself for not letting up and giving in. In truth, I called Max to see if he thought he had anything for us. I complained to him about the way our album was going and how much most of us didn�t like the tracks thus far. He immediately sent me a bunch of songs he had been working on and one after the other, I loved them all. He said that Nick had called him a few nights before I did and said the same exact thing.  
  
  
  
�No, I guess not�I don�t know. What do you guys think?� Brian asked everyone.  
  
  
  
�He sent me some great songs, I�ll bring them in tomorrow and we can listen to them.�  
  
  
  
�What style?� AJ asked, now curious.  
  
  
  
�Mostly pop but some have a rock feel.�  
  
  
  
�Nick will be happy.� Kevin said, motioning for me to go into the studio to record my crappy part of the song.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I can�t believe I am stuck at home on the first day everyone is back in the studio. And I can�t believe the reason is because I fell out a window! What am I, some kind of stupid ass or something? And while I�m on the topic of not believing things, I�ll also say once again that I can�t believe she hasn�t called me yet! I almost died!! And she still hasn�t called me.  
  
  
  
You know, the old me would have been pretty happy about being home. Nothing used to make me happier than getting out of work. It didn�t happen very often but as a general rule, people were more lenient on me than the rest of the guys because of my age. I milked that for all it was worth back then. I would have happily laid in bed all day playing video games and eating room service knowing that while I was doing that, they were busy working.  
  
  
  
Now it sucks though, because I know they are all in there talking crap about how dumb I am. They would be right too. �Call me!!!� I randomly yelled at my phone. Don�t worry; I didn�t throw it this time, even though I wanted to. I did give it the finger though, oddly enough that made me feel better. I knew I was going to have to bite the bullet on this one and actually call her. I grabbed the phone in my hands and stared at it for a bit. Would calling her make me officially pathetic?  
  
  
  
�No dumbass�falling out of a window because you thought she might call made you officially pathetic�the only way to go from there is up my friend.� I said this to myself as I dialed her number.  
  
  
  
�What do you want?� Pfft! That�s how she answered. What a bitch! What do I do now? I should hang up on her ass. Tell her I dialed the wrong number, that I was really calling one of my groupies for a night of intense fuckage.  
  
  
  
�I fell out a window.� Or I could wuss out and say that.  
  
  
  
�You what?� That seemed to work, her voice got a little softer.  
  
  
  
�I fell out my bedroom window.�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God�are you okay?�  
  
  
  
�I will be, I hurt my back and am all scraped up, but other than that, I�ll be all good.�  
  
  
  
�Oh baby, I�m so sorry to hear that. How did it happen?�  
  
  
  
�That�s not important; I just wanted to hear your voice.� Oh my god I am the most pathetic human being on this earth. What the fuck�is she laughing at me?  
  
  
  
�Well now you heard it.�  
  
  
  
�Are you laughing about something?� I asked, trying to maintain my coolness.  
  
  
  
�Well�yeah. You fell out a window.�  
  
  
  
Okay Nick�control the temper, it is funny�don�t let her get to you.  
  
  
  
�What kind of jerk falls out a window?� Don�t say it�.don�t say it!  
  
  
  
�The same kind that runs up to see his girlfriend when she gets thrown off a damn horse!� AHH! You said it!  
  
  
  
She paused for a few minutes, I know that was a bad thing to say, but it�s the truth. I mean I wasn�t anything but sympathetic when she had her accident and meanwhile here she is laughing at me.  
  
  
  
�You are such a jerk!� She said before hanging up on me! Yes she freaking hung up on me!  
  
  
  
I got mad and threw the phone across the room�yes; I can�t believe I did it either. It didn�t go anywhere near the window this time though. Instead it hit the wall and broke. I rolled over on my side and started to cry. I have issues, huge ones.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Brian?� I turned to the sound of AJ�s voice and saw that everyone was staring at me looking a little amused.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You were completely zoning out Carter style just then.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I was just wondering what my son was up to.�  
  
  
  
�Baylee or Nickolas?� I shook my head at AJ, but sad as it sounds a little of both. I was thinking of Nick in that particular second. Wondering how he was feeling and more importantly if Paris actually called him or not. I have to say, I haven�t felt this brotherly towards him in a long time. When he fell out the window, all of those big brother instincts came back. My thoughts were mostly on my real son though, the one who was smart enough not to fall out a window.  
  
  
  
�I miss having my little guy around.� And I did, I hated when I was separated from my family but especially my son. Leigh and I have lived apart before, it sucks but we could just spend all night on the phone. With my son it was a little different. He didn�t always understand what was going on.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry buddy�when are they coming back?�  
  
  
  
�In a few days.�  
  
  
  
�That�s not too bad then.� That was Kevin�s indirect way of saying, �in other words�quit complaining.� Keep in mind though, I never once complained, they asked.  
  
  
  
�What�s your take on Max, Brian?� Howie asked me again. I didn�t answer him the first time around because I was still trying to figure out what exactly my take was. I loved Max, he is the coolest guy in the universe, but I just had the feeling that if we collaborated with him, it was would be 1999 all over again. Would that really be a bad thing though?  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I think maybe we should listen to what he sent your way and then make a decision.�  
  
  
  
�If we don�t like it, we need to do something. I really think we should write some stuff together.� Kevin mentioned again. It�s not that I didn�t like that idea, it�s just that as a general rule, when all five of us tried to collaborate it never went really well. Three of us would manage to take over and leave the other two out. It wasn�t intentional but that�s just the way it worked.  
  
  
  
I know when it comes to writing, I tend to be overbearing, but it�s just because I feel like it�s my comfort zone. An area I have always been pretty confident in. AJ and Howie would be the other two that might take things over leaving Kevin and Nick in the dust. It�s not like either of them don�t write. My cousin writes some kick ass songs, he�s just very mellow when it comes to that stuff.  
  
  
  
Nick�s song writing has gotten so much better since he branched out on his own. When he wrote stuff before, I would always try to help him out as best as I could and I think it used to hurt his feelings. He thought I thought everything he came up with sucked, but it wasn�t that. It�s just that he was so young; he didn�t have the ability under his belt yet.  
  
  
  
When we did that writing thing in the Bahamas it ended up being a disaster because when we didn�t agree it was almost always one of his songs. Five people are too many to write on one song.  
  
  
  
�I really think once you guys hear this song, you�ll love it.�  
  
  
  
�What�s it called?� I asked.  
  
  
  
�Climbing the Walls.�  
  
  
  
  
  
�Nice�maybe we can rename it falling out the window.� AJ said and of course we all had a good laugh about that. Poor Nick, he was never ever going to live this down. We would all make sure of that!  
  
  
  
Maybe I�ll call him to see how he�s doing. But maybe I�d call his real phone and not his cell�just in case.  
  



	30. Chapter 30

****

**30  
  
  
  
Climbing the Walls�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
We all sat chowing down on some Chinese food at my house. I love when people come to my place. I�ve always been such a big home body and since my wife and child aren�t home, this place has felt so empty. So when Kevin suggested we all hang out tonight to listen to the songs that Max sent over together, I immediately volunteered my place.  
  
  
  
I shook my head at AJ as once again I heard the all too familiar strands of Heart and Soul coming from my piano. The boy always played that song whenever he was anywhere near a keyboard or piano. I do think it�s an obsessive compulsive �I�ll die if I don�t play this song,� type of thing.  
  
  
  
�AJ! I swear to God��  
  
  
  
�Kevin, it�s not nice to swear to God.� I laughed when I heard that. Those two should have a sitcom. I know I�d watch.  
  
  
  
My eyes went over in the direction of my cousin. He was eating his Lo Mien with chop sticks, or at least trying to. It was comical to watch, believe me. I�m glad I gave him an extra big dish because if I didn�t those noodles would be landing everywhere and then I would get yelled at. Wow, I am turning into this odd combination of my father and my wife.  
  
  
  
�Just back away from the piano AJ, we�ve all had our fill of Heart and Soul for the night.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t you want to come over and play the bass part?�  
  
  
  
�No! And you stay right there!� Kevin said pointing at Nick who looked ready to join AJ over at the piano.  
  
  
  
�Yes sir!� Nick answered with a mock salute.  
  
  
  
He was doing a little better Nickolas Gene, except that his back was still really bruised. He was semi walking like an old man too, but other than that, thankfully he was okay. He saw me staring at him, so he smiled back at me.  
  
  
  
I felt compelled to go join him on the couch; he looked like he needed the company. �How�s it going?� I pat his leg and handed him a napkin. Okay, so I�m a dad and he was making a mess. I can�t have them staining my furniture.  
  
  
  
�I�m good.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, still sore, but other than that�good.� He smiled, but it was a fake one. He wasn�t good at all. In fact, since his window accident, he really hasn�t been himself. Not that I was always so sure what �himself� was anymore. Back when we were younger, it was different but now, I can�t read him anymore than anyone else.  
  
  
  
�I�m happy to hear that.�  
  
  
  
�I still say the window locks were a bit much.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, I couldn�t help it. �I know you disapprove, but I think it�s a good thing to have anyway. I mean one day either you or AJ will be a dad and you�ll already have those locks on the windows.�  
  
  
  
�So, you think that the two of us will be living in that place until one of us has kids?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at him, �I�m just trying to make you feel better.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not working�I don�t see locks on your windows and you do have a kid.�  
  
  
  
�We have them on his windows upstairs. But I don�t think we have to worry for a few years because we aren�t letting him get a cell phone until he�s a teenager.�  
  
  
  
�Ha� ha �ha, very funny.�  
  
  
  
�Did you get yours fixed yet?�  
  
  
  
He looked at me and shook his head. �I just bought a new one.�  
  
  
  
�That�s probably a good thing, seems like that phone was doomed from the start.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, and I only programmed people into it that I know won�t piss me off!� I nodded at him and my �uh oh Paris alert� button went on. They still weren�t talking, and this made me hopeful. He was so much better off without her and her drama but then again, so was I.  
  
  
  
�Do you want another drink?� I asked him, grabbing his glass that he put on my cherry wood coffee table without a coaster.  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� He smiled up at me and I felt horrible. He knew I was bailing on him before he had a chance to whine about Paris. How is it, that he can now read me better than I can read him? I almost sat down but I didn�t want to make it even more obvious so I stood up and pet his head.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be back�does anyone else want anything?�  
  
  
  
�Yes cousin, we know you are the king of locks�do you happen to have one for your piano?�  
  
  
  
I laughed and then sadly, obliged�what? It came with a lock�I swear.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I can still hum the song, even though the piano is locked. Pfft! They think they can silence the great AJ Mclean? Well they have another thing coming. I started to whistle Heart and Soul and was promptly hit with one of the throw pillows from Brian�s couch. �I know they�re called throw pillows D but they don�t mean that literally.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, Kevin made me do it!�  
  
  
  
�Right, I can see him holding a gun to your head right now.�  
  
  
  
He shrugged and then winked at me. That was fine; I knew how to take a hint. They all suck!  
  
  
  
�So, how many songs are we actually listening to?� Kevin asked as he continued to slurp on his noodles.  
  
  
  
�I think there�s about five on the tape.� Howie answered, as he shook some hot sauce onto his friend rice.  
  
  
  
�Who even does that?� I had to point out how odd that was. I mean, come on now.  
  
  
  
�I like my food spicy; don�t you know that by now AJ?�  
  
  
  
�But dude�its fried rice.�  
  
  
  
�Well, now it�s spicy fried rice.�  
  
  
  
How do I argue with that logic? I can�t� so I went back to the songs, �I�m excited to listen to these songs. I have a good feeling about this.�  
  
  
  
�Me too.� Nick added, before going back into his solemn, lost lonely boy in love posture. You know what I mean? Head hanging down, shoulders hunched over and a big old sour puss on his face.  
  
  
  
I was getting tired of him asking me every ten minutes if Paris called. It really was every ten minutes and what�s worse is, half the time he was in the room with me. �Yes Nick, she called me in my head but I told her you couldn�t come to the phone because that would mean I�d have to eat you.�  
  
  
  
I shouldn�t pick on him though, because I know I tend to get the same way. We are pathetic when it comes to ladies. They do something to our brains; reduce them to some kind of gelatinous mush. That�s why I�m lucky that I am already married to Brian�s wife.  
  
  
  
�Guys, what do we do if we don�t like these songs either?� They all looked over at me as if I had said something dumb.  
  
  
  
�Well, we can always do the writing together thing.� Kevin suggested for about the gazillionth time.  
  
  
  
�I really think you�ll like these though, no worries AJ.� He winked at me again�wow I think Howie likes me. I�m getting all excited now.  
  
  
  
�Well, like I said I do have a good feeling about them, I was just wondering is all.�  
  
  
  
�Everyone expects us to fail you know.� Oh here comes mister sunshine.  
  
  
  
�Nick��  
  
  
  
�It�s true; everyone thinks this will flop, even our own fans. I�ve seen them discuss it on message boards.�  
  
  
  
�Nick! How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from those things!�  
  
  
  
�I think it�s a good way to measure what we�re up against though, don�t you? I mean if our fans think we�re going to suck�then what about the people who already hate us?�  
  
  
  
�Nicky if they hate us then they hate us, who cares?�  
  
  
  
�I kind of do.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t.�  
  
  
  
�But I do.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t.�  
  
  
  
�But I��  
  
  
  
�Okay, we get it�the thing is, we have to do this for ourselves. It�s almost better that they have no faith in us right? Then there�s no pressure.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at Kevin and then half nodded, that�s the other thing about Nick, when he�s upset about a girl, he becomes Debbie Downer about everything. I walked into his room the other night to check up on him, make sure those windows were still locked etc�etc� and he was on his laptop browsing a message board. He made me look at some of the stupid things our fans were saying and even though I got a kick out of it, and normally he would too, because he was in this fabulous mood he was so grim about everything.  
  
  
  
They were tearing apart his girlfriend for one, I laughed a few times�it was funny. But I admit even some of the things they were saying about us and our lack of talent, were getting me mad. I wanted to even post some comments of my own but the stupid board had closed registration to new members�.next time!  
  
  
  
So I told him to keep his chin up and stop worrying so much about what everyone thought of everything. Of course, after I said that to him I went into my old closet and threw out a pair of jeans that everyone on that message board was making fun of. Like they dress any better I�m sure�pfft!  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I was not in a good mood and that sucked because I really wanted to be. I hate that I let her control my life like this! But it�s killing me that she still hasn�t called. I mean it�s been about three days and still not a word. Well, not since I flung the phone across the room. She�s cheating on me, I just know it. She probably found some half tard to screw and is lying in bed with him right now as we speak.  
  
  
  
I�ll be in all the tabloids tomorrow, �Backstreet Boy takes backseat�details on page 6.� Oh please, who am I kidding? Like they would even care about me to begin with. I�m yesterday�s news. The only reason anyone even cares is because I�m dating her and I hate the fact that I enjoy that.  
  
  
  
How can she do this to me? She told me she loves me to death, that I�m the only one for her. She wrote me a ton of love letters. They were very sweet and nice, okay so I didn�t really care all that much and didn�t even read most of them. I�m not big on cards and stuff, but even still�she loves me, at least I thought she did.  
  
  
  
�Nick, stop brooding.� I looked over at Kevin confused.  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�How are you feeling?� I know he didn�t ask me that before right? He did say something else.  
  
  
  
�I�m okay, just a little sore. My back aches a bit.�  
  
  
  
�You probably shouldn�t sit like that then. I�m sure it�s not helping.� I shrugged at him. I enjoy sitting Indian style, so sue me. But okay, yes I straightened my legs out then and he nodded as if he was the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. Ugh! I want to smack something.  
  
  
  
�This is the most bland crap I�ve ever had.�  
  
  
  
�You want to borrow some hot sauce?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at D and shook my head, �No thanks.� I placed my food down in disgust.  
  
  
  
�Good lord would you please do us all a favor and just go call her?�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You heard me Nick, go call her. It�s clear you�re miserable and will be until you hear from her, so go call her dude.�  
  
  
  
�No, way!� I placed my arms in front of me and crossed them. For some reason, this made them all laugh. �What the hell is so funny?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing�do you want me to call her?� I was ready to punch AJ in the face, so I got up, gave him the bird and walked outside. I needed some fresh air. They all called after me, laughing mind you and I could swear to God I heard Brian say to someone, make sure he�s not by any open windows.  
  
  
  
I knew I was being childish and how did I know? �Hey�� I felt Kevin put a hand on my shoulder as he came out to join me. That�s how I knew.  
  
  
  
�I�m in a bad mood and kind of want to be alone Kev.�  
  
  
  
�You�re in a bad mood? I haven�t noticed.� He really thinks he�s funny but I can assure you, he�s not. I shook my head at him. �Nicky�do not let her control your life like this, okay?�  
  
  
  
�Why, would you prefer to be the one to control my life?� Ouch�harsh, but I warned him didn�t I?  
  
  
  
�How about you try that role for once! Maybe if you stop letting everyone control your life we wouldn�t even be having this conversation.� Okay, I deserved that I guess� Stupid Kevin�Stupid always right Kevin.  
  
  
  
�I do have control of my life.� Right?  
  
  
  
He sighed, �Nick, she treats you like garbage, tell me you can�t see that!�  
  
  
  
�She doesn�t.� Okay maybe a little but it�s not like I�m all innocent either. We both have hot tempers and tend to fight a lot.  
  
  
  
�Why are you afraid to call her?�  
  
  
  
�What? I�m not afraid to call her.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah you are, if you weren�t you would have made the call by now.�  
  
  
  
�I called her last, it�s her turn.�  
  
  
  
�Since when has phone etiquette been so important to you? You are the kid who called me ten times in a row just to fart into your phone.�  
  
  
  
�I was bored.� Well I was! And I never thought he�d actually figure out it was me�stupid caller ID!  
  
  
  
�I�m worried about you.�  
  
  
  
�You�re always worried about me.�  
  
  
  
�But this girl��  
  
  
  
�She has a name Kevin, God why do you all hate her so much?�  
  
  
  
�Fine�Paris isn�t good for you Nick. But if you think she is, then make the call.� He pat my back one more time and then walked back inside. I grabbed my phone and stared at it�damn it!  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
When I got back inside Brian was standing where I had just vacated, rubbing something into the carpet as Howie and AJ looked on amused. �What on earth?�  
  
  
  
�You dropped a noodle, I can�t let it stain, and this is a new carpet.�  
  
  
  
�I dropped a noodle?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I�ll be more careful.�  
  
  
  
�How about you just use a fork like a normal human being?�  
  
  
  
�Because AJ, this is Chinese food and I like to be authentic.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe you can be authentic but still use a fork?� I looked over at my cousin as he held out a fork to me. He shrugged as he did it, am I that messy?  
  
  
  
�You have some stuff on your shirt too Kev�maybe next time you should wear a bib.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up AJ!� Wow, maybe I am messy. I�m glad I didn�t try that in a restaurant.  
  
  
  
�So�is he okay?�  
  
  
  
�He�s sulking Brian. I told him that she wasn�t good for him.�  
  
  
  
�Oh why the hell did you do that? Now he�s definitely going to call her skanky little ass!�  
  
  
  
�Why do you say that AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Dude�� He followed that up with a shrug and as horrifying as it sounds, I completely understood that. Oh my God I speak AJ-ese.  
  
  
  
�Well then good, he should call her, instead of staying in here and sulking like a three year old.� I made my way back over to my noodles with my fork. That was a dumb mistake, of course if I tell him she�s wrong for him, he�ll call her to spite me or maybe for once, he�ll take my advice and listen.  
  
  
  
The front door promptly opened a few minutes later and he came in all smiles�damn. He sat down beside me, �She�s going to call me tonight, but she actually apologized for being a bitch.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, I really wanted to back hand him but I smiled instead, �Good for you.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, she said she�s been a bitch lately.�  
  
  
  
�Lately?� Howie said that very faintly and was kicked in the shin by both AJ and Brian at the same time. I almost laughed, but refrained.  
  
  
  
�She�s been under a lot of pressure from this stupid show, but we�re going to work everything out. Thanks guys.�  
  
  
  
They all looked over at me like I was the bad guy�what the heck?  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
�So is everyone just about ready to hear these songs?� I asked just as I finished up my super spicy fried rice. I�m telling you, everything tastes better with hot sauce. I even put it on chocolate ice cream once�sure I might have been a little drunk at the time, but still, it didn�t taste half bad.  
  
  
  
�I�m ready when you are D.� Kevin said nodding his head and smiling at me.  
  
  
  
I was truly excited as I grabbed the CD and handed it over to Brian. He took it and ran over to his stereo. �I know you guys will love them, especially the first one.�  
  
  
  
�Is that the Climbing the Walls one?� I nodded at AJ just as the first few measures of the song kicked in. It was so odd, I felt like they were listening to one of my songs. I felt the same anxiety and exhilaration, maybe because I knew how important this was. Seriously we were at the point where we just weren�t happy with anything we were recording. I was afraid that would put a strain on this record as well as our relationship.  
  
  
  
As we listened I made sure I watched them all for their reactions. Nick started smiling almost immediately. I knew out of them all, he would like this most. AJ was bobbing his head and even humming along with the chorus.  
  
  
  
Brian was biting on his bottom lip, but I saw him smile a few times as he dusted the furniture. Someone really needs to tell him he doesn�t need to wear an apron for every little thing.  
  
  
  
I have an odd feeling he kind of likes it though. Maybe I�ll buy him a new one for his birthday next year, an apron and a new dusting thing.  
  
  
  
Kevin was the only one that really wasn�t showing any reaction one way or the other. He had his head down and his eyes closed as he listened intensely. You know how Kevin is, everything he does, he does intensely.  
  
  
  
When the song was finished, I went over and pressed pause, eager to get everyone�s reactions. That�s when Kevin�s head came up and his eyes opened finally. �Well?� I asked slowly eyeing everyone, �What did you think?�  
  
  
  
�I thought it kicked ass!� Nick said without any hesitation. �I can totally hear that on the radio and on our album!�  
  
  
  
�I agree�okay I�m psyched, is the rest of this stuff just like this song D?� AJ said as he bounced on the chair�yes he was bouncing.  
  
  
  
I nodded, �Kind of, but a little different.�  
  
  
  
�Awesome.�  
  
  
  
�What did you think Kev?� Brian asked, I could tell we were all anxious for his reaction.  
  
  
  
�I liked it.� He looked up at me and smiled, �I liked it a lot.�  
  
  
  
�I did too�okay so let�s hear the rest of them then, come on D�what are you waiting for, hit play!�  
  
  
  
�Okay Brian, relax.� I smiled and pressed play. As we listened to the next few songs you could tell everyone in the room began to relax a little more. It�s like we knew we finally had a direction. No more slow and somber R and B, this time we were going rock. I was excited about the change and I think for the first time in weeks, we were all truly excited again.  
  
  



	31. Chapter 31

****

**31  
  
  
  
Real Men don�t eat quiche, they eat Pringles�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
After Howie played those kick ass songs for us, things really started moving along recording wise. We all went into the sessions with a new sense of excitement and actually didn�t want to gag whenever we heard the play backs. I know people will argue with me about this and most of the people that want to are the same ones who have no idea what they are talking about, but Max Martin is a genius.  
  
  
  
Seriously, if it wasn�t for him I�m not exactly sure if this album would have even gotten any further than the third of fourth track. We were that burnt out and directionless. Jesus, it was like 5 of me walking around the studio and everyone knows one of me is more than enough.  
  
  
  
So, in Backstreet land everything seemed to be going great. I wish I could say the same in Nick land, but in my land�not so much. Paris and I reconciled shortly after we began this whole rock sound experiment. Things were actually really great for a little while there. We weren�t fighting at all, I thought she had found a new respect for me and I certainly saw the error of my ways.  
  
  
  
Our first meeting after the phone fight was at her wrap party for The Simple Life. I know the guys weren�t overly crazy about the idea of me going up there after all the stuff that had happened, but all in all she is my girlfriend and I love her, so I went. She was cold to me at first but by the end of the night we were back to our lovey dovey selves. Did I just say lovey dovey? No telling anyone I just said that, okay?  
  
  
  
Things seemed to be going extremely well in Nick land and I can honestly say I was happy. Until a few weeks ago, that�s when we had a little tornado type thing in my kingdom, it tore the roofs off of the houses and flooded my heart with sadness. Shut up and stop laughing I�m trying to be poetic!  
  
  
  
I caught her cheating on me. I know I shouldn�t be surprised but I was. Okay and no, I didn�t actually witness the cheating, I heard about it. She was in Canada filming House of Wax and a mutual friend of ours calls me up and tells me he thinks I should know that Paris was playing tongue hockey with one of the cameramen.  
  
  
  
I didn�t know what to do or think, at first I took all my aggravation out on him, the poor guy. He was only trying to help and what do I do? Call him every name in the book. Then I made the mistake of calling her, she was with a guy alright, how did I know this? He answered her God damned phone!  
  
  
  
I was not happy at all and still haven�t talked to her. She has called me a thousand times, left me a gazillion messages and I have ignored them all. What a bitch! AH!!! I can�t believe she did that to me. And you know what makes this even worse? We just got tattoos professing our love for each other.  
  
  
  
She put my name on her ass and I put her name on my wrist. If she was going to cheat on me, why did she even bother to do that?  
  
  
  
In a way I�m glad it happened though, because seriously, she is toxic. The guys have repeatedly told me this but did I listen? As usual the answer is no, but it�s the truth, she hasn�t been a good thing for me. I know this now; I just wish that Kevin would stop telling me, that�s what is happening now if you can�t tell. Kevin is in the middle of giving me a talk about how much better I am without Paris in my life.  
  
  
  
I know� I made the mistake of bringing it up; I happened to come in today in a humdrum mood and he asked what was wrong and I said that one word�Paris. That was about�oh I don�t know�five hours ago? Okay maybe I�m exaggerating a little. But he placed his hand on my shoulder and started with the, �when I was your age� speech. My brain can only take so much of that one.  
  
  
  
Pretend I�m saying this low and extremely slow to get the effect of what it�s like to have a Kevin moment�  
  
  
  
�When I was your age Nickolas I had a girlfriend who�s name was Pam.� You have to keep in mind that if he was my age he would be with Kristin, but since he always pictures me as a 15 year old, that�s what he�s talking about. When he was 15 he dated this chick Pam.  
  
  
  
�And Pam was very much like Paris, she always managed to get her way for everything. Her parents were very rich and she was spoiled rotten. My family hated her!� He usually goes off on some kind of tangent here about his brother Tim or sometimes about his mother and her habit of showing people his naked baby pictures. Why he does this, I do not know.  
  
  
  
�Anyway, one day I caught her making out with one of my linebackers.� Usually about here is where he reminds me he was the captain of his football team in high school. Then I get one of those sad, �but you�ll never know what that�s like kiddo� type looks.  
  
  
  
�Are you listening to me?� Uh oh�  
  
  
  
I looked over at him and nodded, �Yeah, sorry man�I�m just bummed that�s all.�  
  
  
  
He gave me a look, he knew I was just totally zoning out on him. He�s going to do it�shit shit shit!  
  
  
  
�Okay if you were listening, what�s the last thing I said?� He asked me with this sly grin on his face. Like he knew he was going to catch me in a lie. Stupid Kevin!  
  
  
  
�Said.�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�You asked me what was the last thing you said and that would technically be the word said.� Ha! Take that Mr. Been there done that!  
  
  
  
�Nick�seriously, can you concentrate for at least ten seconds?� Now that was a good question. You know what�s funny? Everyone asks me that all the time and not once have I ever actually counted to ten. Let�s see if it works.  
  
  
  
One  
  
  
  
Two  
  
  
  
Three  
  
  
  
�So where was I? Oh yes�. I thought my life was over��  
  
  
  
Four  
  
  
  
Five�I can really use some Pringles. My God I haven�t had those things in such a long time. The ones with the cheddar cheese on them� wow, so tasty. Yummy yummy Pringles�that is what I want.  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Hey dude�you want anything from the vending machine?� He looked at me like I was nuts or something.  
  
  
  
�What? We�re in the middle of a conversation.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I just got the biggest craving for Pringles�do you think they have them in the machine?�  
  
  
  
He shook his head in disgust, �I don�t know�maybe?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right back Kev�� I said patting his back and walking out the door.  
  
  
  
Did I make it to ten?  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�What�s the matter with you?� My cousin asked me when he walked in the door, ironically enough, munching on Pringles.  
  
  
  
�Did you get those from the vending machine?�  
  
  
  
�These? No they don�t have Pringles in the vending machine�I actually had to make a 7/11 run.�  
  
  
  
�Nick will be disappointed.�  
  
  
  
He laughed at that, �Okay�so what�s going on?�  
  
  
  
�Not much.� Now that I had been blown off by our youngest member, I moved back to my place at the console. I admit I enjoyed taking the helm at the head like I was Captain Spock. Or was it Kirk? I always get those two confused. I�m not big on Science fiction.  
  
  
  
�Are you here alone?�  
  
  
  
�Physically no, but mentally very much so.�  
  
  
  
�Ah, so young Nickolas Gene is here as well?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, on a pilgrimage to track down some Pringles.�  
  
  
  
�How�s he holding up?�  
  
  
  
�It�s a bad day.�  
  
  
  
�I see.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him. If Nick only knew how much his relationship with women actually helped my wife and I; we could have the dumbest fight in the universe but then I�d always manage to call her up, after some Carter drama and say, �Don�t ever leave me because I can not handle being single ever again!�  
  
  
  
�Where are AJ and Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Howie�s taking the day off because of something to do with his foundation and AJ is running late. I think he was running a meeting.�  
  
  
  
�That�s excellent for him!�  
  
  
  
I nodded. I was so proud of AJ, not only was he doing a great job but now he was helping other people as well. �I�m proud of him.�  
  
  
  
�I am too.� Brian agreed just as the Pringles boy walked back into the room.  
  
  
  
�Well I know you�re not talking about me.�  
  
  
  
He said it jokingly but I could tell there was a tiny bit of sarcasm in his tone. I looked at his Pringle-less hands, �I see your mission wasn�t accomplished.�  
  
  
  
He shook his head at me as he popped an M&M into his mouth. �No, can you believe they didn�t have any?�  
  
  
  
�How shocking�� I said sarcastically as well. He did zone out on me and then leave while I was mid sentence. I had a right to give him a little bit of an attitude.  
  
  
  
�As always Brian to the rescue�� My cousin walked over to Nick and handed him the canister of chips to which he responded by grabbing him in a huge hug and licking his neck�yuck!  
  
  
  
�Okay down boy��  
  
  
  
�Brian I think we�re beginning to share the same brain again, I mean what are the chances that I would be craving Pringles and you would happen to just show up with some.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, that statement terrified me.�  
  
  
  
�I heart Pringles�� Both Brian and I shook our heads, but my cousin couldn�t help but laugh. I have to admit, I have missed their little Frick and Frack dynamic. It seemed like slowly it was beginning to resurface. This could be a good thing or a bad thing.  
  
  
  
�Hey Bri�I bet I can stuff more Pringles in my mouth than you can!�  
  
  
  
Yeah�most likely a bad thing.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I bet you can too.� I wasn�t about to dare him to try.  
  
  
  
He nodded knowingly and then stuck another chip in his mouth. He killed me sometimes, how child like he could be. Not always in a bad way either. When people hear those words, �child like� they tend to think that it�s some horrible insult, but I think sometimes it�s a good way to be.  
  
  
  
I know back in the days when I was considered �child like,� I probably had the most fun. It�s okay to act like a kid sometimes. I wish my wife understood that every once in awhile.  
  
  
  
Leighanne is the best thing that has ever happened to me, don�t get me wrong but sometimes I feel like I�m being forced to be someone I�m not. Just sometimes and it�s not even that big of a deal half the time�in fact, you know what? Forget I even said anything.  
  
  
  
Nick glanced over at me with two Pringles in his hand making them overlap to look like a duck�s bill. �Quack quack says the duckie.� He said in a horrible Donald Duck voice, I mean just terrible.  
  
  
  
�I�m the only one that can do that you know��  
  
  
  
He walked over and placed his head on my shoulder, �Then do it�come on Brian�do the duck for me�please?� I couldn�t help but picture that small kid I loved so much. He would follow me around endlessly and ask me to do silly voices and back flips, like I was his pet monkey or something.  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Kevin and he caught my eyes. We both knew that this was how Nick was dealing with the break up, he needed to be a kid so as always, I gave into him.  
  
  
  
�What is wrong with you Nickolas Gene Carter? Huh? Huh?� I said in my best Donald Duck voice. I was king of the voice before but ever since becoming a dad, I had graduated to master.  
  
  
  
He giggled as if he had never heard anything so funny, it should have made me smile but instead it alarmed me. Just for a brief second, I felt like maybe he was on something, maybe he had taken something that made him be extra giddy. He seemed like he was high. I didn�t like that, so I stopped.  
  
  
  
�Aww why did you stop?� he asked all confused.  
  
  
  
�Doing Donald hurts my throat.� I lied to him and gave him a small smile. His eyes were a little glassy and once again I found myself looking over at my cousin. I hated thinking about Nick in that way but to be honest, I was often worried about Nicky and maybe what he was doing when no one was looking.  
  
  
  
Maybe if he didn�t hang out with the crowd he did, but all of his friends were losers, let�s just face facts about that. They all did stupid stuff and as many lectures as I gave him to stay away from that life, I think when we all went our separate ways, Nick delve into that crowd head first.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys!� AJ�s voice made me jump. When he walks into the room he just doesn�t walk in, he screams in if that makes any sense.  
  
  
  
�I thought you were going to be late.�  
  
  
  
�You want me to leave Littrell?�  
  
  
  
�No, relax I was just saying I thought you were coming later. Chill Doofo!�  
  
  
  
�Nick what in the hell are you doing?� I looked over a the blonde to see him holding two chips up to his ears now pretending he was Mickey Mouse.  
  
  
  
�I�m being Mickey Mouse dude!� Once again the fact that I knew that ahead of time scared me a little.  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah, silly me.� AJ rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I had the best friggin� meeting ever. It was intense and very emotional but in the end, I got someone to open up, and it was someone who didn�t even want to be there. I could tell by her demeanor when she walked into the meeting that she was there against her will. I knew that look because I had worn it so many times. She sat in the back with her head down, staring at her watch every couple of minutes.  
  
  
  
I went on about how hard it is to come back to the real world after being in rehab. How being around people who drank all then time was one of the biggest tests they would ever have to conquer. I used my roommate as an example. How hard it was sometimes to know that he was in his room drinking a beer and there I was sipping on some iced tea.  
  
  
  
I got a lot of understanding nods, all except from the girl in the back. She could care less about my story or anyone else�s. Until I called her out, we aren�t supposed to do that in AA. You don�t talk until you are ready, but for some reason, I just felt compelled to single her out.  
  
  
  
She seemed surprised at first and a little annoyed but after a few seconds of goading, she told us her story and sure enough, just like I figured, she told us she was there to fulfill a court ordered obligation. That she didn�t really belong here and didn�t have a problem.  
  
  
  
I told her I felt the same way once upon a time. I didn�t have a problem it was everybody else. Then I told her how that thinking almost killed me and destroyed all the people I loved. I could tell she was starting to listen to what I was saying as her body language softened. She started crying and then shortly after, decided to continue on even after her court order was fulfilled.  
  
  
  
I�m not sure if there will be a happy ending for this girl or not. Chances are, I probably won�t even see her again. But to know that maybe I made a difference in someone�s life, I can�t even begin to describe what that feels like.  
  
  
  
�So how was the meeting?�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Rok and smiled, �It went really well.�  
  
  
  
�Good, I�m glad.�  
  
  
  
�I think I may have helped someone realize they have a real problem.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, that is fantastic.� Kevin chimed in from the console.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, it felt great actually.�  
  
  
  
�I�m so proud of you man.� Kevin looked as if he was going to cry�again. I love how they make me feel, they have been so supportive of me, really I love these goofballs.  
  
  
  
�Thanks Kev�so did I miss anything?�  
  
  
  
�We have been absolutely unproductive today, so the answer is no.�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at Nick who seemed to be in his own little galaxy munching on chips and staring at the wall as if it was telling him something important. I smiled at the sight, when the kid zones out he really zones the hell out. I wonder if he made it so obvious in school too.  
  
  
  
I know he did when we would have a few classes together. It didn�t happen very often because I was usually paired with Rok, but even still I remember throwing a few balled up papers his way to get him to come back to the real world. So that�s what I ended up doing right then and there.  
  
  
  
I reached over, grabbed a flyer from a local pizza place, balled it up and flung it at Carter and because my aim so superb, I hit him right in the head.  
  
  
  
�What the hell was that for?� He asked rubbing at his head as if it wasn�t a small paper I just whapped him with but a steal girder or something.  
  
  
  
�You were zoning out.�  
  
  
  
�No, I wasn�t. I heard everything just fine�sorry, I�m proud of you too. Is that what you needed to hear?� Whoa�where did that come from?  
  
  
  
�Yes and now I feel much better, thanks.� I winked at him.  
  
  
  
�Glad I could help�I�m getting a Coke; does anyone want anything out of the vending machine?�  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you settle for a water since you�ll be singing in a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�Because I don�t want a water Kev, I want a Coke.�  
  
  
  
Brian and Kevin looked at each other in a strange way; ah I see this is one of those infamous Carter mood swings. He�s been having a lot of those lately, poor heartbroken kid.  
  
  
  
Kevin put his hands up in a surrendering gesture, �Fine�go get your Coke.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks for the permission.�  
  
  
  
When he was gone, I faced the guys, �What�s his deal?�  
  
  
  
�He was fine until you showed up, thanks a lot for that.� Kevin answered which had Brian laugh.  
  
  
  
�AJ�� I looked over at Rok, he looked troubled.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I know you hate when I say what I�m going to say�but have you looked at Nick�s eyes?�  
  
  
  
I knew where he was going with this, Brian has been thinking more now than ever, that Nick is getting himself into drugs. I�m not exactly sure why he is thinking that way but I know the signs and I don�t see them much. Thank God.  
  
  
  
�No, but are they still blue and dreamy as ever?�  
  
  
  
�You know what I mean.�  
  
  
  
�He�s fine Brian�he is in the process of breaking it off with someone he said he loved. That�s hard.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but the way he was acting earlier��  
  
  
  
Kevin joined in at that point, �We just want to make sure he�s doing okay.�  
  
  
  
�He is, I see him every day. I live with him and I�m telling you, as scary as this sounds, it�s just the way he acts.�  
  
  
  
�He�s drinking a lot more lately.� I had to agree with Kevin there and that is also what scared me a little. He was always really good about not drinking in front of me, but I never noticed that he had a mini dorm type fridge in his room where he always kept at least a case of beer among other things, until I had to start babysitting him after he fell out the window.  
  
  
  
Brian and I saw that fridge and that�s really when all this skepticism on his part came from, the night we put those locks on Nick�s window.  
  
  
  
After Howie and Brian left, I had asked him about the purpose of the fridge and he said it was there for when he had company. He knew by having all that alcohol in the fridge, it would be too tempting to me so he hid it in his room. End of story, as far as he was concerned.  
  
  
  
�I�ll keep an eye on him; I always keep an eye on him.� Brian was about to say something when Nick came back, holding a Coke in one hand and a Snickers in the other.  
  
  
  
�Where did my Pringles go?�  
  
  
  
He walked over to Brian, �I�m sorry dude. I finished them.�  
  
  
  
Brian shook his head and grabbed the candy bar out of Nick�s hand and took a bite. �Then I�m stealing your Snickers Nickers.�  
  
  
  
�Hey! Give me that back!� He giggled as the two of them started play wrestling on the floor.  
  
  
  
�Yup, pretty unproductive day�� Kevin mumbled looking over at me and smiling.  
  
  
  
�Let�s blame Howie!� Nick yelled from the floor as Brian straddled him and pretended to smack his face.  
  
  
  
We�re an odd bunch�and yes, it�s all Howie�s fault!  
  
  



	32. Chapter 32

**32  
  
  
  
If a Swami tells you to jump off a bridge would you do it? Please?**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You know, sometimes I love working with my foundation. Doing all the great things we do for Lupus and my family makes me so happy that I was able to do something worthwhile. The fact that I can honestly say that maybe something good came out of my sister�s early death helps my family cope with it all.  
  
  
  
Sometimes though, it gets to be a bit overwhelming. I guess when I�m not working with the fellas, things are so much easier. Going on these meet and greets, cruises, bowling events etc� it�s a great way to connect with fans especially when I have nothing else going on, but for some reason this week I felt put out!  
  
  
  
First of all, I hate having to skip a session. I was the kid who never liked to miss school unless I had the plague. Yes, one of those annoying children but it gave me an incredible work ethic. I hate to be the one to say, �Well sorry I can�t be there but I have something else to do.� This is exactly what I had to do today.  
  
  
  
The guys don�t mind, so I�m not sure why I do but I spent my day really annoyed and pissy, especially when things weren�t going as planned. I love my sister Angie, as big sisters go, she�s awesome but sometimes she can be the MOST unorganized woman on the planet and that�s pretty much what went down. I feel like I spent most of my day just sitting there, staring at my watch and thinking of a million other things I should have been doing instead of nothing.  
  
  
  
We got into a fight Angie and I and whenever that happens, I get so moody and just childish. My inner Nick comes out if you will. So when I got home from this ridiculously wasted day and found a message on my machine from my brother about something going wrong at one of our hotels, I just was ready to explode.  
  
  
  
I took off to the beach and didn�t even look back. I know I should have at least called the guys to let them know I was home but for some reason, I had a feeling that wouldn�t help.  
  
  
  
I walked down the few blocks from my place to the beach and decided to sit and watch the water. I have to say I learned that from Nick. Nothing was more relaxing than watching the waves hit rocks. Maybe I would learn how to surf. Both Nick and AJ have been trying to get me to learn for years but I always find different excuses to stay away from all that.  
  
  
  
The thought of either of them teaching me anything is slightly terrifying.  
  
  
  
�D!� I turned when I heard my name. You know if the fans ran into us as much as we seemed to run into each other, they�d all be happy campers.  
  
  
  
�Hey J.� He ironically was dressed in his going surfing garb. He kind of looked like the drummer from Spinal Tap in spandex.  
  
  
  
�What are you doing out here?� He asked me, taking a seat and placing his board right next to him.  
  
  
  
�Just thinking�how was the studio today?�  
  
  
  
�Eh, we didn�t get much done. I swear when you aren�t around, there is no structure. Dad let�s us go crazy and have fun. We need our mommy to make things run smoothly.�  
  
  
  
�Excuse me�are you calling me your mom?�  
  
  
  
�No thilly�I�m calling you all of our mom, well except Kevin�he�s the dad.�  
  
  
  
�So you guys didn�t get anything done then?�  
  
  
  
�Just a little bit, not too much. Is everything okay?� I guess when I didn�t laugh at his gay joke he realized I was in a pissy mood.  
  
  
  
�I had a fight with Angie today, nothing big.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, that sucks.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.� I paused for a second before continuing, �You know sometimes I feel like�I don�t know.�  
  
  
  
�That was a great description there Howie.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �I feel used sometimes. You know? Because I�m famous sometimes I feel like I�m used as this thing for the benefit of my family. That probably sounds horrible huh?�  
  
  
  
AJ looked over at me and shook his head, �No, I know what you mean. I feel like that too from time to time. I bet we all do.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, probably.�  
  
  
  
�You wanna talk about it?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, �Nah�I�m really just in a bad mood. It�ll pass.�  
  
  
  
�Okay then, I�m going to go catch some waves�� He stood up and grabbed his surfboard. �Watch me go!� He said as if he was 5 and I was his dad�I mean mom. Jerk. I hope he eats some water after that mommy remark.  
  
  
  
I did watch him though as he tried wave�.after wave�.after wave�wow he really sucks. I�m not letting him teach me how to surf. I�m pretty sure Baylee could surf better than he does.  
  
  
  
Blindfolded.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Daddy wook at meeeee!� My curly haired son said as he swung on his swing. I sat on one of my lounge chairs and watched as Leigh pushed him. He giggled every single time, I love his laugh. Seriously it�s the one sound that no matter what kind of mood I�m in, once I hear it I�m recharged for the day.  
  
  
  
�Nice job Baylee!�  
  
  
  
�Thanks!� He giggled once more as he continued to swing.  
  
  
  
I�m so glad we bought him a little playground for the backyard. He needed to be outside more and we both decided that taking him to the playground was sometimes a little too risky. It�s not like a bunch of fans came up to us all the time or anything, it�s just that nowadays, I just feel better to have my child play in his own backyard. It�s a very scary world out there.  
  
  
  
�Higher mommy!� He yelled and once again I had to smile.  
  
  
  
�Okay honey it�s time for mommy to take a break�go play in your sandbox.� She helped Bay off the swing and he waddled over to the sand box without a moment�s hesitation. My kid definitely has as much energy as his old man, that�s for sure.  
  
  
  
Once he was safely tucked away in his own little mound of dirt, which is the funniest thing in the world to me by the way�not to go off on a mini tangent or anything but I always found it hilarious that Leigh�s biggest thing is keeping our son clean and then she is the one who always tells him to go play in the dirt�anyway once he started playing she walked over and placed her head on my shoulder.  
  
  
  
�It�s really nice out tonight isn�t it?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.� I placed my arm around her.  
  
  
  
�I was thinking maybe we can go for a walk and get ice cream or something.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds good to me babe.�  
  
  
  
�Good�� She drifted off as she watched Baylee playing in the box, shoveling sand into his dump truck and them dumping it back into a huge pile on his lap.  
  
  
  
�He loves to get dirty�he must get that from you Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Probably�� I bit my bottom lip, �Leigh�what do you think about me inviting Nick over one night this week?�  
  
  
  
�Just Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�it�s been a long time since it was just the two of us you know?�  
  
  
  
�The last time you guys went out he ditched you.� I hated how her voice changed when we talked about Nick. You know I never got what the deal was between them. Why Nick had so much animosity towards my wife but for some reason, she hates him. She always has.  
  
  
  
�He had a lot on his mind.�  
  
  
  
�He always has a lot on his mind.�  
  
  
  
�I know�that�s why I want to invite him over. I thought it would be nice. He sees us invite AJ over all the time and Kevin. I just thought it would be a nice change.�  
  
  
  
�If you want to, that�s fine.�  
  
  
  
�I only want to, if it�s okay with you.�  
  
  
  
�I have no problem with that, as long as he doesn�t drink and cause a scene or anything. I don�t want Baylee to have to see that.�  
  
  
  
�Oh come on Leigh��  
  
  
  
�What, you can�t tell me I�m being irrational.� She was right; nowadays I couldn�t tell her that at all.  
  
  
  
�That�s why I want him to come here. I think it�ll do him some good to hang with me for a little bit.�  
  
  
  
She sighed, �I think you�re probably right. So when do you plan on inviting him so I can hide all the breakable stuff.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at her, every time Nick came over to our place he always managed to break something. �That�s a good idea and I was thinking maybe next Friday after we�re done recording.� She nodded at me as she stood up.  
  
  
  
�I am going to go get the munchkin cleaned up so we can take our little walk.�  
  
  
  
�I love you Leighanne.�  
  
  
  
�I love you too babe.�  
  
  
  
�I Love you too!� We both giggled when we heard that little tiny voice from the sand box.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I really just wanted to be alone. AJ decided that he wanted to go surfing after our session and practically begged me to come with him. I love my surfing time but for some reason, I was in a melancholy mood and that isn�t ever a good way to be before surfing, so I passed and decided that maybe some quiet time would be great. Just me, the TV a pizza and beer, perfect together.  
  
  
  
I plopped on the couch and started flicking through the channels, hoping maybe I�d catch a game since it was still a bit early for Skin a max and naked clowns juggling. Although is it ever too early for naked, juggling clowns?  
  
  
  
Being alone would be a good thing. I have to learn to be comfortable with just myself. I am pretty sure that�s my biggest problem. I always have to be around people. I glanced over at my phone to check to see if anyone had called. I had three messages from Bean, one from Chris, wow Brian called me and� �Paris called again.�  
  
  
  
I was really determined not to call her back ever again. In my head I decided that talking to her would be a very bad thing. So why was I dialing her number?  
  
  
  
I�m pathetic�  
  
  
  
She picked up on the first ring but instead of sounding excited to hear from me, she sounded cold. �You called.� I can sound equally as cold if I want to and right then and there, I did want to.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�look Nick�I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship and well I talked to Xavier and he said our planets would never actually align.�  
  
  
  
Xavier was her Swami and yes those things really do exist. I know I thought they were just cartoon characters too.  
  
  
  
�So what does that mean exactly?�  
  
  
  
�He thinks we should break up.�  
  
  
  
�Your Swami?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
�Your Swami told you to break up with me?�  
  
  
  
�He advised me that it would be a good idea.�  
  
  
  
�Hrmm�.well MY Swami told me the same thing only he didn�t mention planets. He said something like, Nick you should dump her ass because she�s a cheating whore!� Okay I know that wasn�t very nice, but I wasn�t exactly calm.  
  
  
  
�Nick, that�s not fair.�  
  
  
  
�What�s not fair? That you fucked a cameraman? Yes I would agree.�  
  
  
  
�You mean to tell me you never cheated on me?� I can�t say no to that exactly. It�s not like I ever had sex with someone else while we were dating but I definitely fooled around.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think so�� She said after a few minutes of silence.  
  
  
  
�Can�t we maybe work things out?� Why was I doing this? Didn�t I just say that I needed to never speak to her again?  
  
  
  
�Nick, you�ve been fun and all but it�s time to move on. No offense�but I�m better than you. We just have nothing in common.�  
  
  
  
�Did your Swami tell you that too?�  
  
  
  
The next thing she said hurt me more than anything else. �He didn�t have to Nick�it�s just something that everyone is aware of. I mean come on�you�ve seen the headlines and you hear what people say about us. You�re bringing me down.�  
  
  
  
I wanted to say so much. I had so many things going through my head all screaming in my brain which was giving me a headache but I only nodded in agreement. She was right, I was a loser. �So, I guess this is goodbye then?� I asked with a shaky voice. I can�t believe I was upset enough to want to cry.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�so�bye, I guess.� She said and then hung up. Funny how quickly things change. We went from talking marriage to a bye, I guess.  
  
  
  
I just sat there with the phone in my hand, playing back the last conversation I was ever going to have with the love of my life. I truly did think she was the one, I told AJ one night as we sat on the roof. Don�t tell Brian or Kevin we did that by the way. They�d freak out!  
  
  
  
Anyway�I told AJ I was sure I was going to marry Paris. We just seemed to have such a connection. Like no one I have ever met before. He told me I was probably wrong and that I instantly want to marry every girl I feel a connection with. Pfft! Like he should talk, right? But in this case he was right and I�m sure he�ll love calling me out on it and saying I told you so. In fact, I can see them all having a party while I�m feeling miserable.  
  
  
  
They won�t be surprised in the least, �Of course she broke up with you�you ARE a loser Nick! I mean God, you can�t do anything right.�  
  
  
  
As my thoughts continued to swirl I found myself getting mad at the guys. As if they were really saying the things I was hearing them tell me in my mind. It�s a good thing AJ wasn�t there because in the sorry state I was in, I probably would have decked him.  
  
  
  
They will be happy about this and that�s what sucked. I didn�t want them to be happy about it. I wanted them to understand what I was going through. But it�s always different when it involves me.  
  
  
  
�Fuck you all!� I said to my empty house.  
  
  
  
I decided to call Bean and invite him out to my place for a little while. I could use a friend right about now, someone who would understand without saying, �I told you so.�  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
By the time I finally got out of the water, my hands looked like prunes. You know as much as I love the thought of surfing I�m actually quite bad at it. I�m sure that would probably shock most people but yes, I�m not the best athlete in the world, especially when it comes to water sports. Now put a golf club in my hand or a bowling ball and no one stands a chance.  
  
  
  
Howie was still sitting where I left him when I got out of the water. I was sure that he would get tired of watching me fall, and leave. He seemed really down and I hated seeing Howie down.  
  
  
  
�Good job out there.� He lied as I sat down next to him. My back hurt. I was going to be walking like an old man tomorrow.  
  
  
  
�I suck.�  
  
  
  
�You�ll get better with practice.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, that is with practice.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�okay, then you do suck.�  
  
  
  
�Here ya go D.� I looked up to see Kevin handing Howie an ice cream cone.  
  
  
  
�Oh great, tell me you weren�t watching.�  
  
  
  
Kevin smiled devilishly, �Yes I was�fine job AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up!�  
  
  
  
�How come you didn�t take Nick out here with you?�  
  
  
  
�Because Nicky didn�t feel like coming out to play.� I pouted. I practically begged the kid to come with me but he dissed me.  
  
  
  
�He probably didn�t want to see you continually wipe out.�  
  
  
  
�He wipes out as much as me thank you very much.� I rolled my eyes at Howie as he smiled.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he does�.so where is he then?� Kevin was doing it again. Whenever Nick was in these weird cycles in his life, you know the ones where we all knew at any minute his world was going to come crashing down but he had no clue�type of cycles. Kevin would become obsessed with sticking around the kid. Of course the funniest part about that was he would never admit that. But we all knew that�s what would happen.  
  
  
  
It was cute in a weird older fan stalker, creepy kind of way. If he heard that, I would get such a kick in the head.  
  
  
  
�He�s at home, watching television. Probably farting on all my stuff and laughing about it.�  
  
  
  
�How sad is it, that I can picture that.� Howie added.  
  
  
  
�So, he�s all alone then?�  
  
  
  
Howie and I looked at each other, yup I�m good. �You should go over and keep him company Kev.�  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you going back home?�  
  
  
  
�In a little bit�I�m going to try my luck out in the ocean again.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at Howie, �You wanna come?�  
  
  
  
�Nah, I think I�m just going to head home, I�ve had a frustrating day.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure you and Angie will work through everything.� I knew Howie was going to tell Kevin the entire story. I�m not sure why he always did that, opted to not get into it with me but then tell Kevin everything. They both did that to each other. I guess as long as he gets it out, that�s all the matters. But yeah, I�m jealous.  
  
  
  
�Thanks man��  
  
  
  
�See you later then AJ.� He smiled at me as he turned and walked back to the boardwalk.  
  
  
  
�Did he just happen to be passing by too?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, he was out walking when he saw me sitting here.�  
  
  
  
�You sure you�re okay?� I asked one final time, even though he did appear to be happier.  
  
  
  
�I�m good AJ. Thanks for asking though.�  
  
  
  
�I�m going out there again.�  
  
  
  
�Be careful okay? I don�t feel like playing David Hasselhoff today.�  
  
  
  
�You are way way waaay sexier than him anyway Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks but you shouldn�t be talking about your �mommy� in that way.�  
  
  
  
�My mistake.�  
  
  
  
He gave me the finger to which I blew him a kiss. Then it was off to surf once again.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I decided to pick up a pizza and a video from Blockbuster as I made my way to Nick�s place. A good night of male bonding will be fun. I didn�t want him being alone, not when he was as moody as he has been. For as long as I�ve known Nick, which has been a long ass time now, he�s always done his stupidest things when he was in moods like this. Usually after having a fight with a girl or breaking up with a girlfriend.  
  
  
  
One night shortly after he and Mandy broke it off, I swear to God I saved the kid�s life. He�s lucky I showed up to his hotel room when I did because he had taken a sleeping pill or two and was in the bathtub. When I got there I knocked and knocked on his door but he never answered so of course I let myself in. Back then, I was always given a key to Nick and AJ�s rooms.  
  
  
  
He was sleeping in the water with his head fully submerged.  
  
  
  
The thing is, he takes those sleeping pills when things become overwhelming like now. I know I shouldn�t worry so much. It�s not like he�s a teenager anymore but he is to me.  
  
  
  
I walked over and knocked on the door and tried the knob, I was surprised to see it was actually locked this time. �Good boy.� I uttered under my breath as I rang the doorbell once again.  
  
  
  
He finally answered after about ten minutes. �Are you deaf?� I asked. I know it�s probably not the smartest way to start male bonding night but I couldn�t help it. I was annoyed. I need to ask AJ for an extra key. I wonder if he�ll give me one.  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t expecting anyone. What are you doing here?� He looked like he had been crying. That�s usually not a good sign.  
  
  
  
�I thought I�d bring some pizza and hang out with you. Is everything okay, you look upset?�  
  
  
  
�She broke up with me.� He hung his head down when he said that.  
  
  
  
�When?�  
  
  
  
�Today�just a little bit ago.� He opened the door and let me inside and there on the wall was a pizza�just sitting there, stuck and slowly sliding down to the ground.  
  
  
  
�I see you already ordered a pizza.�  
  
  
  
�If you are going to say I told you so, best keep it to yourself or you�ll be joining my pizza.� He said in his toughest, �I�m a big man and I can destroy you� voice. Although it�s also his �I need a hug� voice. It�s kind of like Winnie the Pooh trying to cop an attitude.  
  
  
  
�I won�t say that�I�m sorry Nick. I know how much you loved her.� He seemed surprised at my reaction and immediately let go of all his emotions as he started to ball his eyes out.  
  
  
  
I hate Paris Hilton; someone needs to throw a pizza at her.  
  
  
  
�Come here buddy.� I said as I pulled him into a hug. �You�ll get over her.�  
  
  
  
�Her Swami told her to dump me.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I�m such a fucking loser.�  
  
  
  
�She has a Swami? Can she even spell Swami?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, that�s not helping.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry�Nick you�re not a loser. She�s the loser.�  
  
  
  
�Oh please.�  
  
  
  
�It�s the truth.�  
  
  
  
He pulled away from me and wiped his eyes, �Whatever�it�s done and over with. I�m sure you�ll all be happy about that. Maybe you should go bring your pizza over Brian�s house and have a party.�  
  
  
  
There�s that Winnie with an attitude again.  
  
  
  
�None of us will be happy about this Nick. We all know how much you cared about her.�  
  
  
  
He sighed as he stared at the pizza on the wall. What a mess this kid was, I swear if I get my hands on Paris�ugh!  
  
  
  
�AJ�s going to kill me when he sees that.�  
  
  
  
�This place is so messy he won�t even notice.�  
  
  
  
That made him laugh, thank goodness, but just for the record, it was messy. That was not a lie.  
  
  
  
�You go sit and relax, I�ll clean it up.� I said as I led him to the couch, just like I used to when he was a teenager.  
  
  
  
�I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.� He whispered.  
  
  
  
I pat his back, �I know little man�I know.�  
  
  
  
He plopped down on the couch and buried his face in a pillow as I got to work on cleaning the pizza off the wall.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	33. Chapter 33

****

**33  
  
  
  
You know what they say about beans�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
We have a very special relationship all of us guys. I know that to the public eye it could seem like we love each other a little too much, but the fact is, we are brothers. All of us have a softer side, I mean come on�we are in a boy band for God sakes. Sorry I had to�.anyway, it�s just that we grew up together; we�ve seen each other at our best and our worst. That makes us very comfortable around one another.  
  
  
  
So even though to anyone else it might have looked like a scene from Queer as Folk, when I came back to the house and found Nick asleep with his head on Kevin�s lap, buried into a Spongebob Squarepants pillow, MY pillow of course�I knew that something bad had just gone down.  
  
  
  
�What happened?� I asked as I put my surfboard against the wall and out of the way.  
  
  
  
�The bitch finally gave him the heave ho.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� I took a seat on the recliner across from the two of them.  
  
  
  
�Were you here when it happened?�  
  
  
  
�No, I guess it happened right before I got here.�  
  
  
  
�How did he take it?� Kevin gave me a look like I was a complete an utter idiot for asking that question and then pointed to the wall where there seemed to be a line of red going down to the floor as if it was making an exclamation point.  
  
  
  
�What the hell is that?�  
  
  
  
�Pizza.�  
  
  
  
�We really need to condition the boy not to throw things when he�s upset.� I walked over to the wall and heard my mother screaming at me in my head about how that would permanently leave a stain.  
  
  
  
�I made him take a sleeping pill.�  
  
  
  
�Was that a wise decision?�  
  
  
  
�When he�s awake he does stupid things AJ.� He said once again pointing to the wall.  
  
  
  
�That�s true.�  
  
  
  
�I was too late to prevent him from calling his dumbass friends though so I�m sad to say that Bean is on his way over.�  
  
  
  
�Ugh! We go from a stupid whore to a drunken, money grubbing loser.� Kevin nodded and shrugged. There wasn�t much more to add to that.  
  
  
  
Bean, for those of you who don�t know, is what we like to call Nick�s bad habit. He�s the devil that perpetually sits on Nick�s shoulder and tells him that his reckless behavior is okay. Bean is a lot like a real bean�he is a walking brain fart and surrounds himself with weenies�minus Nick of course. We are not fans of Bean but we tolerate him because he means a lot to our youngest member. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.  
  
  
  
�I really can�t let Bean stay here because he is an alcoholic. He just hasn�t realized it yet. There�s no way that would work.�  
  
  
  
�Bean can rent his loser ass a hotel room.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at Kevin; he was always one step ahead of me.  
  
  
  
�Paris told him she was better than he was.� Kevin said, getting back to the main topic of discussion.  
  
  
  
�If by better she meant sleazy, bitchy and demonic, then yes, she is much much better than he is.�  
  
  
  
Kevin laughed at me but he had that intense look on his face. The kind of look that always found Nick and I running for cover. I�m glad I wasn�t the reason for the look this time. If Paris was around she�d be getting a lecture from hell right about now.  
  
  
  
�How long has he been asleep?� I asked noting the way he was snoring and dribbling all over MY pillow.  
  
  
  
�For about a half hour. I wonder how messy this will get, you know�with the tabloids.�  
  
  
  
We all talked about this part of it as well, the inevitable breakup. We knew it was coming and we also knew how she was. The only reason we didn�t want them to break up was because of what we were sure would happen afterwards. �Maybe they won�t make a big deal out of it.�  
  
  
  
�Riiight, it�s Paris, if they don�t�she will.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe now would be a good time to go camping or something�take a few days off from the studio and just get away for a little bit.�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded at me, �Good idea.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not running away from her.� Came a bleary voice from Kevin�s crotch�oh boy did that sound bad. Wow�but technically that�s where he was, of course there was a pillow separating the two�I�m babbling now.  
  
  
  
Anyway�  
  
  
  
He sat up slowly and yawned, �It�s nice of you guys to think of me like that, but we have to keep working on this album. I�m not going to let that bitch throw us off schedule.�  
  
  
  
Is it sad to say that it pleased me to hear him call her a bitch?  
  
  
  
�Are you feeling better little man?� Kevin asked in his overly sympathetic voice. That�s the thing with Kevin, he could be the scariest guy on the planet one second but then the sweetest the next.  
  
  
  
�I feel like a loser who just got dumped by his girlfriend.�  
  
  
  
Kevin pat his back as blondie yawned once again. �I�m sorry buddy.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think about the tabloids.� The way Nick said that, I thought he was going to vomit right then and there.  
  
  
  
�They�re going to be all over this one Nick, that�s why we think maybe we should go somewhere�or if not all of us just you and I or something.� Kevin suggested.  
  
  
  
�Bean�s coming; maybe the two of us can head down the coast for a little bit.� Kevin nodded but then looked my way with that worried face of his. Bean is not the guy you want to hide from trouble with.  
  
  
  
�Maybe you, Bean and I can all do that.�  
  
  
  
Very smooth Kevin�NOT!  
  
  
  
Of course that got Nick all flustered, as if he needed more of a reason to be flustered. �I can�t believe you! Rob is my friend and we don�t need a babysitter!� He stood up and staggered into the kitchen. I guess those sleeping pills were still working.  
  
  
  
�Way to go Kev.�  
  
  
  
He gave me that look�uh oh.  
  
  
  
�You should go talk to him.�  
  
  
  
�Why me? I think you should, you�re the one that pissed him off. Better go before he throws something else!�  
  
  
  
Kevin rolled his eyes at me but then got off the couch and headed for the kitchen. I decided to take that opportunity to go upstairs and shower. I am pretty sure I have sand in every orifice of my body.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
When I walked into the kitchen Nick was staring out the sliding back door. He looked like he was miles away. �I�m sorry Nick�I didn�t mean anything by it. I just want to be there for you.�  
  
  
  
He didn�t turn around but continued to look outside. �That�s bullshit. You don�t trust Bean, you hate him even.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t hate Bean.� Yes I do, but he didn�t need to know that just then.  
  
  
  
�Why am I such a fuck up Kevin? I mean why does nothing ever go right for me?�  
  
  
  
I walked next to him, sensing that it was safe to do so without getting punched. �Aw Nick�you�re not a fuck up. You just sometimes don�t make very good choices.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t think I make ANY good choices!� He turned his head and gave me a look. I decided to take a few steps back and he was right. I don�t think he makes any good choices.  
  
  
  
�Things will get better kiddo�you�ll bounce back and find someone else in no time at all.�  
  
  
  
�I loved her.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� I sighed; I wanted to shake him�sometimes really hard.  
  
  
  
�She was the one.�  
  
  
  
�No she wasn�t.�  
  
  
  
�Yes she was.�  
  
  
  
�No she�Nick, it just wasn�t meant to be.�  
  
  
  
He moved over to the kitchen table and sat down, plopping his head on the table with a huge thud. �I�m tired.�  
  
  
  
�You should go back to sleep.�  
  
  
  
�Someone is going to have to pick Bean up from the airport.� He was speaking into the table so his voice sounded mumbled. I wish I hadn�t heard what he said.  
  
  
  
�Maybe he can take a cab.�  
  
  
  
�I told him I�d pick him up but then you decided to drug me.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t drug you; I just thought you needed your rest.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t pick up Bean like this.�  
  
  
  
�I agree.� That was a good choice�but if I wasn�t here he would have left to go get Bean while medicated and without wearing a seatbelt!  
  
  
  
�So, then someone else needs to do it.� He mumbled again.  
  
  
  
�When does he get in?�  
  
  
  
�He said he was coming right away. He knew I needed him.� Oh please! He knew in the state you were in, you�d want to go out and forget all your troubles and treat the entire time. He lives off your vulnerability. WHY CAN�T YOU SEE THAT? I�m so glad I kept that to myself�for now.  
  
  
  
�Where is he flying in from?�  
  
  
  
�He�s in San Fran�so not far.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, well maybe I can get AJ or�I know what I�ll do.� I walked over and made a phone call. I would�ve gone but there was no way I was leaving him alone, even though AJ was here. Okay the truth is, if I went to go pick Bean up I�d most likely end up fighting with him.  
  
  
  
So I called�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�He needs someone to pick him up Howie.�  
  
  
  
�So, why don�t you pick him up then?�  
  
  
  
�Because I am here with Nick.�  
  
  
  
�But so is AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but��  
  
  
  
�Kevin, I have had a HORRIBLE day.�  
  
  
  
�That�s why you would probably be perfect to pick him up�hell maybe use some of that Latino anger and scare him the hell away!�  
  
  
  
I shook my head, when am I going to learn that I do not need to always take my calls. Voice mail is your friend Howie. That should be my new mantra.  
  
  
  
�Please D? You know what will happen if I go get him.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�but Nicky is going to owe me big for this one!� I took my cell phone in my hand and hit myself with it in the head a few times; softly of course, because I�m not a moron.  
  
  
  
Shortly after that I found myself at the airport waiting for probably one of the most annoying people on the planet. When it came to all of us, I guess I managed to tolerate Bean the most. Brian and I tied for that really, we both kept our distance when he showed up for any given leg of any given tour. Part of me thought about calling Brian right then and there. If I had to suffer so should he, right?  
  
  
  
I guess the one difference between Brian and I, is that I could actually see why it was that Nick enjoyed hanging with the guy. It was simple really, Bean was fun. No matter what the situation Bean could turn anything into a party. Hell, I remember once during the Black and Blue tour, Bean had come out after going to a funeral of a good friend and that night they had such a huge party, the hotel almost threw us all out.  
  
  
  
�Howie D?� I looked up to find him staring at me with arm extended for a hug/shake.  
  
  
  
�Hi Rob.� He was wearing sunglasses but I could tell he had been drinking on the plane because of the smell of alcohol on his breath.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t expect to see you here. Where�s Nick?�  
  
  
  
�He�s back at home; he took a sleeping pill and didn�t think it would be a good idea to drive.�  
  
  
  
Bean laughed, �Actually it would have been a riot to watch.� Yup, he�s an idiot, but I smiled at that anyway, more to the thought of what Kevin would have actually said to that one. Now THAT would have been a riot to watch.  
  
  
  
�Did you have a good flight?�  
  
  
  
�It was okay...so how�s he doing?�  
  
  
  
I guess I also got that deep down inside, Rob did care about Nick. �As well as can be expected I guess,� I answered as I put his stuff in my trunk.  
  
  
  
�That�s good, I�m sure he�ll be over this in no time. At least if I have anything to do with it.�  
  
  
  
�I hope.� Was all I said as we ventured to Nick�s place.  
  
  
  
�I�m kind of glad it�s you and not Kevin that picked me up. He hates my ass.�  
  
  
  
�No, he doesn�t Rob.� I lied. Kevin does indeed hate Bean�s ass.  
  
  
  
�It�s not like I ever did anything to him�I�m not sure what the deal is.�  
  
  
  
�He just tends to be a bit overprotective of Nick, that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�Well, you all do that�mind if I smoke?� He asked while taking out a cigarette before I could say no I guess.  
  
  
  
�Go ahead.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks man.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him and not much more was said until we got to Carters place, who is going to owe me big time for this by the way�just in case I haven�t mentioned it!  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I hate the way they all treat me when something bad happens in my life. They treat me like a child and if you need further proof of that I can tell you that Kevin is in the process of handing me wet wipes to clean my hands.  
  
  
  
This is why I need Bean here because he doesn�t treat me like a kid. He treats me like a friend.  
  
  
  
�Did you call Brian back?� Kevin asked me out of the blue.  
  
  
  
�Huh?� Kevin gave me one more wet wipe, okay so I spilled some honey all over the place. Okay so I threw it and it broke all over the kitchen and in the process I slipped and now had it all over my hands and legs�okay I�m an idiot.  
  
  
  
�Brian�he was on your answering machine.�  
  
  
  
�You�re checking my messages now?�  
  
  
  
�You should try doing that every once in awhile too you know.�  
  
  
  
�I know he called, I�m not in the mood to hear I told you so.�  
  
  
  
�Brian wouldn�t say that Nick. Call him; he�ll make you feel better.� There was a time when that statement was true, but nowadays a call to Brian could either be a great thing or a complete disaster and since I needed it to be a great thing, I decided it was best to not call at all�just in case the second scenario happened.  
  
  
  
�I�ll call him later.�  
  
  
  
He tried to hand me another wet wipe but I stopped him. Where the hell did they come from anyway? Tell me he doesn�t carry them around for emergencies. �Are you sure you didn�t step on any glass?� He asked when his wet wipe come on was rejected.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure.�  
  
  
  
�You need to control your temper Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Kev�I�m not in the mood for a lecture.�  
  
  
  
�Are you ever?�  
  
  
  
�No, but especially not today.� I needed a smoke so I walked back into the living room and looked under the couch cushions for my cigarettes. I was met with a wet AJ, staring at me as I got on my knees and stuck my head into the couch. Of course Kevin followed with his wet wipes in hand�just in case.  
  
  
  
�Um�what are you doing?� AJ asked tilting his head to watch me.  
  
  
  
�Looking for my smokes.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�You two amaze me, you accepted that answer as if that�s the perfect place to look for cigarettes.�  
  
  
  
�It is.� AJ answered and one beat later I pulled my pack out and waved it in victory.  
  
  
  
�I swear�� Kevin was about to say more when the doorbell rang.  
  
  
  
BEAN! My salvation was here! If anyone could cheer me up it would be him.  
  
  
  
I ran over to the door and ignored the looks that AJ and Kevin were giving each other. They think I�m dumb and blind, that I don�t see those looks. When I opened the door he greeted me wearing a beer hat on his head. I love Bean!  
  
  
  
�Hey buddy, how�s it hanging?�  
  
  
  
�Dude�thanks for coming�hey Howie.� I gave D a hug for picking my friend up at the airport for me.  
  
  
  
�How are you Nicky? You smell like honey.� Howie sounded confused when he said that.  
  
  
  
�Yeah kid, did you have a honey or two sitting on your face before I got here?� Bean cracks me the hell up.  
  
  
  
�Yeah right.� I answered as we made our way into the living room.  
  
  
  
�Hey Bean.� AJ said very unenthusiastically.  
  
  
  
�Hi AJ.�  
  
  
  
Kevin walked over and shook Bean�s hand, �Hi.�  
  
  
  
�Howdy Kevin.�  
  
  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, it�s kind of like I brought over my girlfriend for the first time and you could tell no one approved. Oh yeah�I�ve done that as well.  
  
  
  
�Well�I guess I better be going home.� Kevin said walking over and giving me a hug. I could tell Bean was happy about that. He was afraid of Kevin�weren�t we all.  
  
  
  
�Thanks for everything man.� I whispered to him. I know I was hard on him sometimes. I do realize it�s just because he cares.  
  
  
  
�If you need me just call, okay? And try to lay low for a little while.� In other words�stay the hell out of trouble.  
  
  
  
AJ stood up, �Howie you wanna catch a movie or something?�  
  
  
  
�Sure.� Howie answered so fast I almost started laughing. Could they make it anymore obvious?  
  
  
  
�We�ll see you guys later!�  
  
  
  
Just like that, all three of them were out the door in no time flat.  
  
  
  
�Wow, I sure do know how to clear a room�was Brian here too or did he leave when my name was mentioned? Perhaps he�s hiding in a corner praying for my soul?�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Don�t let them get to you.�  
  
  
  
�I�m already over it Nickolas�now what�s say you and me go out on the town and drown your sorrows?�  
  
  
  
Have I mentioned how much I love Bean?  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�So is he coming over?� I bit my bottom lip as I turned to my wife.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, he hasn�t returned my call yet.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t you mean calls?� She asked me condescendingly.  
  
  
  
I nodded, �Okay fine�calls.�  
  
  
  
I didn�t mind being wrong when it came to my wife, everyone else, it bothered me, but not her. Except when it came to the guys, I know sometimes in her head, they are very similar to what I consider Nick�s friend Bean to be, a pain in the ass. And sometimes all it took was something like this to further confirm that fact to her.  
  
  
  
I hated the fact that Nick didn�t call me back and not even so much because he didn�t call me but that now Leighanne had more fuel for when I decide to defend him for something and most likely I will need to defend him for something.  
  
  
  
�Ah well�his loss I guess. You want to rent a movie?� I moved behind her and hugged her tight. She was lucky I was so madly in love with her.  
  
  
  
�A movie sounds good to me.�  
  
  
  
We walked into our den hand in hand, to search for a perfect movie to watch, knowing full well it would end up being Thomas the Tank.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	34. Chapter 34

****

**34  
  
  
  
The Meeting of the Guardians**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I was just about to fall asleep when I heard the doorbell. I looked over at my sleeping child and lifted his head off of my lap and placed it on the lap of my sleeping wife. Thomas the Tank Engine had managed to put my entire family to sleep, not that this completely surprised me because it did not, but still�if we had watched a movie of my choosing I�m sure we�d all still be wide awake. I�m not stupid though, both Leighanne and I are well aware of who really runs our house.  
  
  
  
I smiled at that thought as I opened the door to find AJ and Howie standing there.  
  
  
  
�I hope we didn�t wake you�we saw your light on and thought we�d stop by.�  
  
  
  
I opened the door and let them in, �No, not at all, I mean Bay and Leigh are sleeping but I�m awake.�  
  
  
  
�See D, I told you. Now that he has a kid they go to bed at like 8 at night.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up and come inside.� I shook my head at AJ as he walked in and I shut the door.  
  
  
  
�So what were you guys doing? I didn�t know you were going to be on a date.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t planning on it but I got a call from Kevin asking me to pick up Bean at the airport.�  
  
  
  
I winced at the mention of Nick�s dumb friend. �Ugh, why you?�  
  
  
  
�Paris broke up with Nicky tonight, officially.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� I had mixed feelings. Don�t get me wrong; those feelings didn�t concern me being the least bit upset about Paris. More so the fact that I wasn�t the first one to find out, he called Bean before me.  
  
  
  
Back in the day, whenever Nick was upset about anything, I was the one he called on. He had told me that no one else could make him feel better. I was the only one that ever helped him get over things. Even though I often shrugged it off and sometimes would even roll my eyes when I saw him walking towards me with tears brimming in his, there was always that part of me that felt pride that he trusted me more than anyone else. I was his savior many more times than I�d care to admit. The fact that I was being replaced by Rob left me feeling sad and melancholy.  
  
  
  
�I wish he had called me instead.�  
  
  
  
�I do too Brian.� Howie added, sensing my petty pangs of jealousy.  
  
  
  
�So I guess that means they�re out partying then?�  
  
  
  
�Most likely� AJ answered as he sat down and put his elbows on my kitchen table.  
  
  
  
�He should really not be going out and drinking. What he needs to do is sit and talk it all out. You know how Nick is.�  
  
  
  
�Yup.� They both answered at the same time, sounding defeated in some way.  
  
  
  
It really bothered me that we weren�t as close as we used to be, Nick and I. There are many things I don�t miss about those times, mostly just the way he used to constantly follow me around even when I needed my alone time. But then other times, like playing basketball til all hours of the night to see who would collapse from exhaustion first. Or making a bet to see who could stuff the most marshmallows in their mouth and recite the alphabet without chocking, when I think back to those times, I almost get misty eyed.  
  
  
  
�I wish we hung out more.�  
  
  
  
�He needs you.� Howie sounded very serious when he said that and just like way back at the hotel our first night back here, I knew he wanted to say more, but this time he refrained. Was it my fault that Nick and I had lost touch with each other? Maybe a little but I think it was both of us. Many times during the hiatus, I tried to reach out to him by leaving him a text message or voice mail. Just to let him know I was thinking about him but he never once replied.  
  
  
  
I hate to say it, but I think it was his jealousy of my wife that did it. He was just so young in so many ways. Not even talking about his age, and that I blame on his parents.  
  
  
  
He always said that we grew him up, made him into the man he is today. Why is that man so different when he is with Bean than when he is with one of us?  
  
  
  
�He always gets himself into trouble with Bean.� I vocalized walking over the fridge.  
  
  
  
�Yup.� They both once again answered. This time I laughed. We knew each other so well that we could really be one person. I�m sure that would make AJ happy because then he really would be married to my wife. Who walked out yawning just as I was thinking that.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t even hear the doorbell.� She said holding Baylee in her arms as he snored lightly.  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I hope we didn�t wake you.� AJ stood up and leaned over my son to give my wife a kiss on the cheek. He then followed that up with a kiss on the forehead to my son. He will make a fantastic father someday.  
  
  
  
�You dozed off.� I said to my wife and I leaned in to give her a kiss of my own. Yes, mainly to make AJ jealous.  
  
  
  
�I guess I�ve seen that show one too many times.�  
  
  
  
�Haven�t we all?�  
  
  
  
�Well, you boys have fun and don�t stay up too late.�  
  
  
  
�You want me to put him to bed?�  
  
  
  
�No that�s okay, entertain your friends. I�ll see you upstairs. Howie�AJ always a pleasure.�  
  
  
  
�Same here.� Howie answered. I could tell he was having an internal struggle in his head as to whether he should get up and hug Leighanne or not, since she was carrying Baylee. I told you, I know these guys so well it almost scares me.  
  
  
  
We all watched as my lovely wife turned and made her way out of the kitchen.  
  
  
  
  
  


*********

  
  
  
  
Brian makes such a great dad. I know I have said this many times before but whenever I see him with his son and his wife I always beam with pride. It also gives me hope knowing that at least if one of us can be normal, there�s hope for the rest of us. Not that I would call Brian normal at all but out of us all, he definitely has the most normal life. Lucky him�although I am saying that as he is dancing around with a pair of tongs for no reason whatsoever.  
  
  
  
*sigh*  
  
  
  
�Are you guys hungry or can I get you something to drink?�  
  
  
  
�Uh oh, are you going to cook for us?� AJ gave me a worried look. The last time Brian cooked for us we were saved by Nick falling out the window, this time I don�t think we�d be that lucky.  
  
  
  
�I�m not cooking for anyone Doofo, I mean would you like some chips and salsa?�  
  
  
  
�Sounds good to me.�  
  
  
  
�What about you Howard?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll have some sweet tea if you have any.�  
  
  
  
�Of course I have sweet tea Howie, I am from the south.�  
  
  
  
�Of course�� I said winking at him.  
  
  
  
�So, that�s some chips and salsa for Boner and one sweet tea for Sweet D.�  
  
  
  
�How did I know that was coming?� I joked. Brian can be so predictable sometimes. Either that or I knew him better than I should, probably a little of both.  
  
  
  
He handed out the glasses and filled the bowl of chips and placed them in the middle of the table. �So, what�s new with everyone? Not that I didn�t see you guys awhile ago or anything.�  
  
  
  
�Actually, you didn�t see me�remember?�  
  
  
  
�Oh right, so how did things go with the sis then?� Brian asked me as he double dipped his chip into the salsa�yuck!  
  
  
  
�Everything went well I guess.�  
  
  
  
�He had a fight with his sister.� AJ added like that pesky little brother who just loved to spill the beans�.ugh Bean, I�m trying not to think about him.  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�It was no big deal; anyway�my hotel is set to open up on schedule.�  
  
  
  
�That�s excellent Howie; you are turning out to be quite the Trump Jr.�  
  
  
  
�I hate it when you call me that!�  
  
  
  
Brian winked at me, �Yeah�I know.�  
  
  
  
�So, you said that Kevin sent you out to get Bean, why is that? How come Nick just didn�t go get him?�  
  
  
  
�Because Kevin gave Nick a sleeping pill.� AJ added once again.  
  
  
  
�Oh nice�and now he is going to go out and drink while he has a sleeping pill in his system.�  
  
  
  
Of course none of us thought about that. Leave it to the father of the group to think about the worst case scenario. Even Kevin didn�t think about that, man he must be losing his touch.  
  
  
  
�It�s probably long worn off by now, or maybe he�ll be so tired he will pass out and never make it out to the clubs.�  
  
  
  
�I hope you�re right AJ.� And I really did. I know I tried not to show it, but deep down inside I worried about Nicky. My brother tells me that I worry a little too much, but I can�t help it. Someone has to worry. Maybe if I felt like he worried about himself I wouldn�t have to feel the need to worry about him but the fact is, he�s reckless, especially when he�s down.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he�ll be okay tonight guys, no need to worry so much.� AJ said�sounding worried ironically enough.  
  
  
  
Before either of us could answer, the doorbell rang yet again.  
  
  
  
  
  


********

  
  
  
  
I hate living in a big house when my wife isn�t home. I argued when the time came to look for a place here in LA, that I wanted something very small and simple for all the nights that I�d be spending there alone. She took that as a diss to her ever busy schedule and we got into a petty fight about it.  
  
  
  
Kris and I don�t fight very often. I�m pretty sure we got all the fighting out of our system very early on in our relationship. In fact, that was the first fight we had for at least six months. It didn�t even last very long and by the end of the night�well the make up sex made it all worthwhile. The downside to that argument though, was the fact that in the end we decided on getting a biggish house.  
  
  
  
Our house is nothing special; in fact you would never guess that two famous people live in it. We�re right in the middle of suburbia and love it that way. Even still, it�s big enough to feel empty when she�s not around, like now.  
  
  
  
So I decided to drive around for a bit after I left Nick�s place. I got some Sushi and then went for a drive. Sometimes that makes me calm enough to go home, watch television and then head to bed. Not tonight though, I guess we can thank Mr. Carter for that.  
  
  
  
I ended up in Brian�s neighborhood. Now when you look at his house, you know someone famous lives there. It�s a gorgeous house and extremely big. At least he decided against those huge gates that most of his neighbors have. I have a thing against huge gates. I think they are so pretentious and I know my cousin is not like that at all.  
  
  
  
Even though it was late, by Brian standards, I thought I�d try anyway and when I saw Howie�s car parked in the driveway I had to smile. �Seems like Brian�s place is the refuge tonight.�  
  
  
  
�Hey Kevin!� He said as he let me into his home.  
  
  
  
�Looks like you are having a party and I wasn�t invited.�  
  
  
  
�I just think you all believe I am irresistible or something.�  
  
  
  
�Or something��  
  
  
  
�Hey it�s Kevy!� AJ grabbed me into a hug. God I hate it when they call me Kevy, but I know if I verbalize it, they�ll do it even more.  
  
  
  
�Why are you guys here?�  
  
  
  
�Avoiding Bean�what about you?�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t feel like going home to my empty house so I thought I�d go for a drive.�  
  
  
  
�How many times did you pass my place Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?� I could tell by the little smirk on AJ�s face that he knew exactly what he was talking about but I still played dumb. I hate being predictable.  
  
  
  
�How many times did you check on Carter?�  
  
  
  
�None.�  
  
  
  
�Riiight, so you are saying you didn�t drive by there at all?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, that�s what I�m saying. Why do you find that so hard to believe?�  
  
  
  
�Because it�s you.� I rolled my eyes at AJ. He was right, I actually even thought, in a moment of total insanity, to follow them when they left. Did you ever just get that feeling that something bad was going to happen?  
  
  
  
�Nick is a grown boy�he can make his own choices.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but usually they are bad choices.� My cousin said as he handed me an iced tea.  
  
  
  
�I wonder if he realizes how much of our free time we spend worrying about him?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at AJ, �I don�t think he realizes much of anything.�  
  
  
  
It was true though, when I looked around the room, we really did worry about Nick a lot. I had that unsettling feeling for a second when it occurred to me how we used to do the same thing for AJ. The little meetings when all four of us would sit around and talk about AJ and wonder what he was up to and if he was alright.  
  
  
  
Nick tended to zone out at those meetings but I knew it was mainly because he hated being so worried.  
  
  
  
�We could always try to find him, say we decided to club hop as well.�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Howie, �You think?�  
  
  
  
�We could.�  
  
  
  
�Howie just wants to go clubbing and is trying to justify how to dump my ass back home.�  
  
  
  
�That�s not true, entirely.�  
  
  
  
We all laughed, maybe clubbing with Howie would be a good idea. We haven�t done that in a long time and we could also use that as an excuse to check up on Nick.  
  
  
  
�Let�s do it D.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, I�ll leave my car here for you AJ, is that okay Kev?�  
  
  
  
�Sure, I�ll drive.�  
  
  
  
�You guys have a good time and if you find Nick, keep him out of trouble.� Brian said with his eyebrows raised.  
  
  
  
�No worries.� I nodded as we left to go find Nick�I mean�go clubbing.  
  
  
  
  
  


**********

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Hey Rok, were we just flat left by Howie D?�  
  
  
  
�Flat left? What are we in first grade now?� He asked me amused.  
  
  
  
�Well yeah, Kevin comes and gives him a better offer and off he goes.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin wanted to go find Nick.�  
  
  
  
�I know�but still.�  
  
  
  
Brian laughed and spooned some salsa onto his chips, �Ah well�more for us I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Did you guys do that for me too?� I�m not even sure where that question came from. But I knew the answer by watching Brian�s reaction to it.  
  
  
  
�We used to worry about you.�  
  
  
  
�I know�sorry.�  
  
  
  
�There�s no need to apologize, those days are far behind us.�  
  
  
  
Even though he was right, I still felt bad. I mean, I put these guys through so much and still they stuck right with me. I don�t worry about Nick as much as they all seem to, probably because I understand him the most. That is a very scary thing to admit, being able to penetrate the Carter brain is not something to be overly proud of, but in many ways we are very similar.  
  
  
  
�So, you had guardian angel meetings for me too?�  
  
  
  
�Guardian angel meetings?� He asked amused at my little nickname for our hangout session. Yes I did nickname everything.  
  
  
  
�Yes, you know�when we all just �happen� to get together after something bad happens.�  
  
  
  
�Why are you calling it that?�  
  
  
  
�Because there�s always one person noticeably absent when we all do this, have you noticed?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �Yeah, it seems like when we all get together he�s always off doing something else these days.�  
  
  
  
I love how we did seem to all hang out together more and more and not because we were being forced to or paid to either, it�s because we just legitimately enjoyed each other�s company. That was a good feeling.  
  
  
  
�Exactly�so these little �get togethers� usually end up being about him and how we worry.�  
  
  
  
�Guardian angel meetings?� He asked me once more.  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�Then yes, we did have several of those for you as well. Guardian angel meetings.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at the thought, even though it�s embarrassing, it�s nice knowing that somewhere out there, there are people who care.  
  
  
  
I hope Nick realizes that. When I asked that question earlier, the one whether or not he realized how much we worry, I truly do wonder. Sometimes I get fed up with Nickolas because I think a lot of the things he does he does for attention but most of the time, when I take a step back and really allow myself a closer look, I realize that he�s just lost.  
  
  
  
I don�t think he knows how much we care or worry and I guess maybe that is one of the main differences between us. Even at the height of all my problems, I always knew that people cared.  
  
  
  
When I look at Nick, I don�t see that same air of confidence. That�s what scares me, not the prospect of him doing drugs or becoming an alcoholic, but the idea that as he does it, he will be thinking that no one cares either way.  
  
  
  
�AJ?�  
  
  
  
I looked up from my thoughts, �Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Are you okay? I didn�t mean to make you upset.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, you didn�t upset me.�  
  
  
  
�Because you asked so I just thought enough time went by where��  
  
  
  
�Rok, relax man�you didn�t upset me.�  
  
  
  
He seemed relieved, �Good.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe the next time we have one of these meetings, we should make sure that Nick is in attendance.�  
  
  
  
Brian sighed and said the thing that made the most sense ever, �AJ if Nick came to these meetings, there would be no reason to have them in the first place.� I nodded because there was just nothing more to add to that.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry he didn�t call you Rok.�  
  
  
  
�Me too.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he will after Bean leaves.�  
  
  
  
�I hope so.�  
  
  
  
After a few minutes of silence I had a great idea, �How about playing some one on one?�  
  
  
  
�What? You and basketball?�  
  
  
  
�Oh shut up Rok, I�m not that bad.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, Baylee can beat you.�  
  
  
  
�You�re just chicken.�  
  
  
  
He gave me a devilish smile as he put on a pair of sneakers, �Okay�let�s go.�  
  
  
  
Oh Lord�what did I get myself into?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	35. Chapter 35

****

**35  
  
  
  
  
  
Lost**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I am so tired of bullshit, seriously. Last night was supposed to be fun. In fact, it was the first time I really felt good in a while. Once I knew Rob was going to come to my rescue, I actually found myself not stressing about anything. I know that the guys didn�t approve of my decision to have Bean come out, but you know what? I don�t care. Really it�s not like they understood what I was going through at all. Brian, Kevin and Howie have all been with the same women forever. None of them had to deal with half the shit I have had to deal with. I won�t even get into AJ and his wreck of a love life. He�s in a league all his own. Bean gets it though. His luck with women is about the same as mine.  
  
  
  
Anyway�  
  
  
  
We went to a club here in downtown LA. I can�t even remember what the hell its name was because frankly, by the time we got there I had already downed about 6 beers and was feeling pretty good. It wasn�t that crazy or crowded in there which was great, but of all the damn people to be there, Paris came walking over to me after only about fifteen minutes of enjoying myself.  
  
  
  
I thought she was coming over to start shit, but instead she came over and begged for us to go somewhere to talk. She said she was sorry for breaking things to me the way she did and that she really didn�t think that she meant it. What the hell is that supposed to mean? She didn�t think that she meant it?  
  
  
  
I tried to give her the cold shoulder, but I just couldn�t do it. It was probably because she was acting like she did at the beginning of our relationship. Her smile has always melted my heart. There was something so innocent about her smile; in fact, it�s probably the only innocent thing about Paris.  
  
  
  
Whatever the case, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Said my goodbyes to Bean, gave him the keys to my car and left with Paris. Can I be anymore of an idiot?  
  
  
  
The conversation between us started out innocently enough. Mostly small talk, �so how�s recording going?� from her and �what have you been up to?� from me. I don�t think either of us wanted to talk about the breakup, but finally just as we turned off the road and onto a lookout point, I brought it up.  
  
  
  
�So, why did you say you think you made a mistake?�  
  
  
  
�Because I think I love you Nick.�  
  
  
  
She said just what I was hoping she wouldn�t. Damn her! You know it�s not fair. We dated for 7 months and in that time the emotional roller coaster I have been on was intense.  
  
  
  
�You think?� I asked without looking at her. I knew if I looked at her, it would be all over.  
  
  
  
�After I got off the phone with you, I laid in my bed and couldn�t get you out of my head. That�s never happened before. Usually when I break up with someone I�m all done with them�but you�I don�t know�it feels different somehow.�  
  
  
  
I still couldn�t look at her, but she was beginning to soften me up. I felt her hand on my knee as she began to rub�ah! Stop rubbing.  
  
  
  
�The thing is Nick, I think in a weird kind of way, we were meant to be together, you and I. You can�t tell me that you haven�t felt that too.�  
  
  
  
I couldn�t tell her that. She felt like the right person since the first day we met, I was certain that in time, she was the one I was going to marry. I just wanted her to stop rubbing my damn knee�.although why would I want her to stop that again? Right�she�s a psycho!  
  
  
  
�Maybe it did feel like that once�but not anymore.� Wow did those words come out of my mouth? Yes I do believe they did!  
  
  
  
She seemed shocked, because she took her hand away from my knee as if it had suddenly burst into flames. �Excuse me?� She asked in her �bitchy� tone.  
  
  
  
This time I did look at her, �I loved you Paris and in a way I always will. We had a special bond, a rare connection�but the thing is�I�m tired of all the games.�  
  
  
  
�What?� She acted like she never in her life was rejected and in an odd sort of way, this pleased me greatly. Was I the first man in history to reject Miss Hilton?  
  
  
  
�Look�I�m sorry, I really am� but I really think maybe your swami guy was right.�  
  
  
  
She didn�t look happy about that, she kept making these little annoying gasps in the back of her throat and then she started to cry. �I can�t believe you are doing this to me!�  
  
  
  
�I�m not doing anything to you; you�re the one who broke up with me. I�m just telling you its fine by me.� Was that mean? Because that�s really not what I�m going for�honestly�okay maybe a little mean but not horribly mean.  
  
  
  
�Why did you come out here with me then?�  
  
  
  
�Because you asked me to.�  
  
  
  
�You had to know this is what we were going to talk about.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe I did, and maybe I wasn�t even sure what I was going to say until right now.�  
  
  
  
That did it, �Get the hell out of my car!!� She screeched at me. I mean banshee yelled. Let�s put it this way, somewhere there are a few cats holding their ears.  
  
  
  
�You can�t just drop me off here! We�re in the middle of friggin nowhere!�  
  
  
  
�Get OUT!�  
  
  
  
�No! At least take me to somewhere well lit!�  
  
  
  
�You are such an asshole! I don�t know what I saw in you anyway!�  
  
  
  
�Come on Paris, don�t be like that. We had fun.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up and get out of my car before I call the police!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You heard me! And you are SO gonna pay for this! No one leaves me Nick.� Good lord right about then, I was glad I didn�t own a bunny rabbit.  
  
  
  
�I wouldn�t be leaving you if you didn�t kick me out of your damn car!� Okay maybe that�s not what she meant�but still.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to ruin your life. You know I can do it too.� She said that through gritted teeth and in the dim light of the moon, she looked somewhat evil.  
  
  
  
Somewhat�pfft!  
  
  
  
�Paris�wait!�  
  
  
  
�You�re going to pay asshole!� She backed up and I swear to God she tried to run me over. I mean I had to actually jump out of her way. Crazy ass bitch!  
  
  
  
I let out a breath once I realized that I was all alone at some random lookout point with virtually no light whatsoever. Luckily I brought my Sidekick with me everywhere I went. I reached into my back pocket and tried to remember Bean�s number. Of course in my semi drunken state, I could only remember my own and go figure, it was busy!  
  
  
  
  
  


*********

  
  
  
  
  
  
We tried two different clubs. The first one was horribly crowded with a ton of young kids. Damn, how old am I when I start calling college kids, young ones. But it was true, most of the people at the first club were barely legal, screaming and puking all over each other. Was there seriously a time that I found this lifestyle appealing?  
  
  
  
The second one was not quite as crowded but we were the only �stars� in the place and kept getting stared at. Not that I minded being stared down by beautiful women but nowadays, it was best to keep a low profile.  
  
  
  
�Kevin!� Howie shouted at me and over the music.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?� I tried to counter.  
  
  
  
�I think I see Bean!� He pointed over to a table where Bean was surrounded by at least ten girls all of whom were in various stages of undress. This third club was one of the newer ones in town. I had a feeling they would be here at this one, but I didn�t want to admit flat out to Howie that my main goal was to find Nick and make sure he was okay.  
  
  
  
It�s not like there�s anything wrong with wanting a good friend to be okay, but sometimes my over protectiveness was a bit much for them all to take. And even simpler than that, it was a little embarrassing as well. If he was my real brother maybe it would be different but truthfully, I look at my two older brothers and can honestly say I�m pretty sure not even they would go out looking for me in the middle of the night.  
  
  
  
Maybe if my personality was as volatile as Nick�s they would though. He just has this aura about him you know? This thing that makes you feel the need to check up on him. In so many ways he is just a little child. So when you look at it that way, my actions are justified. How many people would let a child go to a bar?  
  
  
  
Yeah, I know I�m grasping.  
  
  
  
Howie held out his hand to wave to Bean but since he didn�t have huge boobs, he was completely ignored. While he tried to get the doofuses attention, I looked around the place to find the blonde one and didn�t see him anywhere. Maybe he was smart and decided not to go out in the first place. Maybe he sent Bean by himself so he could have some alone time. But is Nick all alone a good thing?  
  
  
  
Good lord I�m doing it again.  
  
  
  
I decided to turn around and focus my attention on Bean and his harem. How in the world he always has so many women all the time is beyond my comprehension. I mean, he kind of looks like Mr. Peanut and its not like Nick is even anywhere around him.  
  
  
  
It made me sick the way he used Nick�s fame as a way to get to all the girls, and just another thing that turns me off of the guy. I have actually heard him on the phone telling girls that he is the last step before they actually get to Mr. Carter himself. He has to approve of them before he sends them to him. The first time I heard that I actually yelled at him about how degrading that was. I also yelled at Nick, don�t worry I know he wasn�t totally innocent. After that, Bean usually tried to avoid me and I don�t blame him. I would avoid me too. That was the whole idea.  
  
  
  
I don�t like the guy Nick becomes when he�s around Bean. That is another reason why I worry. The kid is SO easy to influence, I mean he should be the poster child for peer pressure. That�s why when he was really young we all had him on such a tight leash. Lord knows what he would have been doing if we didn�t always keep one eye on him. I shudder to think about all the things we may have missed.  
  
  
  
I know�I�m doing it again.  
  
  
  
See? That is why I need my own child. Once I have a baby of my own, Nick will be off the hook, slightly.  
  
  
  
�Do you see him anywhere?� I yelled to Howie as I finally got close enough to him to touch his shoulder.  
  
  
  
He looked at me and shook his head, �Maybe he left.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe�Bean would know, why don�t you go ask him?�  
  
  
  
Howie gave me this annoyed look, �I went to go get him at the airport remember? Why don�t YOU go ask him?�  
  
  
  
Damn! I was hoping he would have forgotten that little bit of information. So, I continued stepping through the crowd until I got to Bean�s table. He looked completely plastered and I couldn�t help but roll my eyes at him.  
  
  
  
He seemed surprised to see me, a mixture of surprise and terror actually. He sat up and the two blondes on either side of him scooted over. Everyone at the table had very red eyes. �Kevin�what the hell are you doing here?� He screamed at me.  
  
  
  
�Where�s Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�Nick! Where is he?�  
  
  
  
�Oh, Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah!�  
  
  
  
�He left with Paris a few hours ago.�  
  
  
  
�He what?�  
  
  
  
�Left with Paris, they drove away in her car.�  
  
  
  
SHIT! Son of a mother�s whore and damn it all to hell!  
  
  
  
�Thanks.� I walked away from him and headed back to Howie, trying to control my temper as I did so. How dumb can he be to leave with Paris? After all the heartache that bitch put him through he always goes back to her. That�s it! I�m wiping my hands of this entire situation. If he wants to be a dumbass then it�s all on him. I�m not coming to his rescue anymore. He deserves whatever he gets!  
  
  
  
�Where is he? You look like you�re ready to kill something.�  
  
  
  
�He left with Paris!�  
  
  
  
�Hilton?�  
  
  
  
�No, France�yes Hilton.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know but let�s get out of here, I�m done.�  
  
  
  
�You want to go to another place?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at him and thought about it for a few minutes, maybe it would be fun to go clubbing for real now that I knew where the dumbass was. �Do you want to?� I asked him with my eyebrows raised.  
  
  
  
He thought about it and then smiled, �Nah�let�s go to a diner instead.�  
  
  
  
I laughed as we walked out of there. Indeed we are getting older aren�t we?  
  
  
  
  
  


*************

  
  
  
  
So, Rok beat my ass 14 to nothing. I let him win. He�s getting old so I figured it was the least I could do. We sat in his backyard, him on top of the basketball trying to keep his balance and me, on the ground against his house, smoking a cigarette and looking up at the stars.  
  
  
  
�That was fun, I can�t remember the last time we played basketball.�  
  
  
  
�It�s been awhile.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I see you are still as good as I remember.� I wanted to kick that ball out from under him when he said that. Dang, I really should have. That would have been hilarious!  
  
  
  
�I let you win Rok!�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh�.i�m sure you did.�  
  
  
  
�I did.�  
  
  
  
�So, care to play again then? This time no letting me win though.� God I hate when he gives me that smug face of his.  
  
  
  
�Nope, I�m tired. Maybe next time.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe next time you and Bay can play on the same team. That should even things up.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up B!�  
  
  
  
�I�m just playing with you Boner.� He reached over and tried to grab my hat off of my head so I took that opportunity and kicked the ball out from under him and bang he went to the ground. Hahaha!  
  
  
  
�Nice one�� He said giving me a high five just as my cell phone went off. It was playing Shake your Tale Feather.  
  
  
  
�It�s Nick.� I said as I picked it up.  
  
  
  
�Hey man.�  
  
  
  
�I�m lost.� He wasted no time in getting to the point, that kid. He sounded drunk as a skunk too. Just great, it�s a lost and drunk Nick.  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?�  
  
  
  
�I mean�I don�t know where I am.�  
  
  
  
�Did you accidentally walk into the closet again?� That got a laugh out of Brian even though he had no clue what I was even talking about.  
  
  
  
�I need you to come and get me. I don�t remember Bean�s number.�  
  
  
  
�Aren�t you with him? Or is he lost too?�  
  
  
  
�I�m alone and it�s dark and I swear I hear rabid wolves.�  
  
  
  
�Rabid wolves huh?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
Brian looked at me confused so I covered the speaker with my hand, �He�s lost and thinks he hears rabid wolves.�  
  
  
  
�He�s lost?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, taking my hand away from the speaker once again, �The thing is, I don�t have a car. Howie drove me to Brian�s and then left me here.�  
  
  
  
�You�re at Brian�s house?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.� I heard a hint of jealousy in his voice, even though he was drunk it was still there.  
  
  
  
�Tell him we can get him if he can tell you where he is.�  
  
  
  
�Brian said we can come get you if you can tell us where you are.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know where I am�if I knew where I was I wouldn�t be lost.�  
  
  
  
�Then how did you expect me to come get you? You have to have some idea.�  
  
  
  
�I�m on top of a hill and there�s a ton of trees.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, that really narrows it down a bit, thanks for that.�  
  
  
  
�Ask him how he even got to where he is.�  
  
  
  
That was a great question, leave it to Rok. He was always thinking. �How did you get there?�  
  
  
  
�Paris.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Look, it�s a long story that I promise I will share with you once you come and get me, okay?�  
  
  
  
�Okay�so I�m looking for a hill with trees on it.� Brian pulled the phone away from me at that point.  
  
  
  
�Nick what does the street sign say?� He waited for a few seconds as he grabbed paper and a crayon. He has a toddler; crayons are in mass quantity at his place.  
  
  
  
�Altonista road�okay just hang tight and we�ll be there. If you see any rabid wolves head for a tree.�  
  
  
  
�Do you know where that is?� I asked Brian as he hung up the phone.  
  
  
  
�I think so, but looks like we�re going to have an adventure nonetheless.�  
  
  
  
�Whoopie!� I made an invisible circle with my finger and danced around. That made Brian crack up of course. Everyone wishes they could be half as funny as me I swear.  
  
  
  
  
  


************

  
  
  
  
Ah the good old days, I miss them so. Days when I would get a call in the middle of the night from Nick, asking me if I wanted to go on a little adventure with him. Of course back then, those adventures usually amounted to trying to find a place where we could play basketball or a place that would serve us a hot fudge sundae at two o�clock in the morning.  
  
  
  
It�s been a long time since I�ve gotten a call from a drunk Nick, although technically I guess I�m not the one that got the call at all. He never calls me anymore for anything. �So, did you tell your wife you were leaving on an adventure?�  
  
  
  
�No, I just told her I was taking you home.�  
  
  
  
�Did she cry?�  
  
  
  
�Yes she was horribly upset about it.�  
  
  
  
�Of course��  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him just as I saw the sign for Altonista Road. I almost missed it because the actual post the sign was on was bent down to the ground. �We�re here start looking for a clueless blonde.�  
  
  
  
AJ opened his window, �It�s not a good neighborhood out here.�  
  
  
  
�Hear any rabid wolves howling?� I asked amused by that whole rabid wolf thing.  
  
  
  
�Oh there he is, sitting on that rock over there.� Sure enough there was our little Frack sitting on a boulder with his head down. He looked like he was asleep. I pulled up to him and honked the horn.  
  
  
  
�What the fuck!� He jumped off the boulder, lost his balance and fell to the floor. That�s what I was going for.  
  
  
  
�Hey Nick.� I helped him to his feet, �so, what are you doing up here?�  
  
  
  
�I dumped Paris and she got mad and fucking left me here!�  
  
  
  
�I thought she dumped you.� AJ was oh so quick to point out.  
  
  
  
�Yeah she did but then she wanted to get back together but I said no.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him, �You did?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Good boy Nickolas!� I pat the top of his head as he smiled at me.  
  
  
  
�Don�t be that happy, I think I made an enemy for life.�  
  
  
  
�It�s Paris who the hell cares?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at AJ and then turned back to me, �I�m sorry I dragged you out here. You must think I�m such a fuck up.�  
  
  
  
�You know I don�t think that at all.� I placed my arm around his tall frame.  
  
  
  
�Excuse me�you dragged my ass out here too�remember?�  
  
  
  
�Thanks J�come here and give me a kiss!�  
  
  
  
I laughed as I watched a drunken Nick chase AJ around my car. I was proud of Nick for giving her the heave ho. I know how difficult it must have been for him to do that. I just hope she doesn�t do anything for revenge, but that would be so pitiful�seriously!  
  
  
  
  
  



	36. Chapter 36

****

**36  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When the poop hits the fan it hits really hard doesn�t it?**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I�m so glad we decided on going to a diner instead of another club, because it turned out we had so much fun. Kevin and I sat and talked about the dumbest things. Nothing that required a brain, we made it a prerequisite since we spent so long looking for Nick. I think we spent about two hours there doing nothing but just talking about everything under the sun before we finally headed back to his place where we found the stupidest movie playing on TV. It was about a levitating piano that was possessed by a demon. It was something that could have easily came out of the mind of Nick Carter. It was that weird!  
  
  
  
Kevin confessed to me over a late night beer how much he hated being away from his wife and that sometimes he wished he could just have a normal life and not always be apart from her. I feel for him and Brian, I�m not sure how they do it which is probably one of the reasons that I choose not to put myself through all that.  
  
  
  
So he was more than happy that I ended up going back to his place with him, and there is where I ended up falling asleep on his couch. Of course, when I opened my eyes to find myself staring at a picture of Kristin I thought I was having a Freaky Friday moment. It must be nice to wake up to that every morning. Don�t tell Leigh I said that, she will hang me.  
  
  
  
�Morning�� I sat up and yawned as Kevin walked into the living room with a cup of coffee in his hands.  
  
  
  
�Did I fall asleep on you last night? I�m sorry.�  
  
  
  
Kevin laughed, �its okay�I know I�m boring and my couch is really comfy.�  
  
  
  
�It seriously is.� I mean I was sinking into the thing.  
  
  
  
�Did you sleep well?�  
  
  
  
�I suppose I did considering I didn�t even realize I was here until I saw the picture of your beautiful wife staring at me.�  
  
  
  
�She is a beauty isn�t she?�  
  
  
  
I nodded as he took the picture and stared at it. �She�s coming home the day after tomorrow�.finally!�  
  
  
  
�So, does that mean we�ll have a mysterious Richardson disappearing act happen?�  
  
  
  
He smiled mischievously at me, �Why Howard, I have no clue what you mean.�  
  
  
  
�Oh you know what I mean, whenever Kris is in town, we never see you for days.�  
  
  
  
�I love my wife.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, �Yes I know.�  
  
  
  
�You want some coffee?�  
  
  
  
�Sure�thanks.� I tried my best to maneuver myself out of his plush couch without much success�in truth I could actually close my eyes and sleep for a few more hours. �What time is it anyway?� I decided to ask as thoughts of sleep just seemed to make the most sense to me.  
  
  
  
�Almost 10:30!� He yelled from inside the kitchen. Dang, there goes going back to bed. We were due to meet at the studio at around noon time.  
  
  
  
Well maybe if I just drop right here and sleep for about 30 minutes, which would give me enough time to run home and change and meet the guys on time. Oh please like we were ever on time for anything anyway. I mean I was, because let�s face facts folks�I�m really the most responsible out of all of us. Yeah, that�s right�I said it. Kevin thinks he�s the most dependable but we all know the truth, don�t we?  
  
  
  
Kevin came back in with another coffee in his hands, �I�d offer you something to eat but all I have is spinach and some organic rice pudding.�  
  
  
  
�Organic rice pudding?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
I decided to skip the questions for fear that he would misinterpret that as me wanting more than anything else in the world to taste his �organic� pudding.  
  
  
  
�I�ll stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way to the studio.� I decided out loud. I live about ten seconds away from a Dunkin Donuts, but then again, doesn�t everybody?  
  
  
  
�I wonder if Nick and Paris are back together.�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Kevin as he flipped through the channels on the TV, �I have no idea�but my gut is telling me perhaps yes, they are.� Unfortunately, Paris had Nick wrapped around her little talons.  
  
  
  
He grunted, it wasn�t one of those happy �pig in the mud� type of grunts either, it was more like an �oh boy, I can tell it�s going to be fun in the studio� type grunts.  
  
  
  
�I�m so over this whole situation. I�m tired of him bringing all the drama and then us giving him advice which he doesn�t listen to. I�m over it!�  
  
  
  
Of course which we know means the exact opposite. Kevin is not over it at all; in fact this is all he�s going to talk about today, another reason why I must kick the Carter when I see him. Kick the Carter, sounds like a great idea for a new sport. There are enough Carters to kick. I get the tall blonde!  
  
  
  
�Maybe he didn�t get back with her at all�maybe Bean was wrong and it was some other skinny blonde he left with.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah maybe�but doubtful.�  
  
  
  
He stood up, �I�m gonna go jump in the shower.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I should probably get home and do that too. I smell like smoke and fried cheese.� Yeah, I�m not sure why I smelled like fried cheese either.  
  
  
  
�I�ll see you around noonish.� He said as I handed him my coffee cup.  
  
  
  
�Noonish.� Which I know means about 2 or so�Backstreet time.  
  
  
  
  
  


*******************

  
  
  
  
  
  
I was up pretty early considering I barely got any sleep last night. My ass is getting old, soon� no matter what time I go to bed, I�ll end up getting up before the sun. As it is, I have to get up at least three friggin times a night to piss. Am I sharing too much? Ah well�deal with it because I�m in a crabby ass mood!  
  
  
  
One thing that will give me satisfaction is waking Nick�s ass up. Good Lord, part of the reason why I could barely sleep was because he was snoring so loud he was echoing down the hallway. I actually had to hold onto the bedposts at one point for fear that Nick�s honker was going to suck me in.  
  
  
  
We have to be at the studio in fifteen minutes, so I guess I should go wake him up now.  
  
  
  
�Hey J.� Damn! I can�t even get any satisfaction with jumping on him now.  
  
  
  
�Morning sunshine.�  
  
  
  
�Ugh, not really I barely slept last night.� What?  
  
  
  
�Nick you were snoring like a bastard.�  
  
  
  
�That made no sense, snoring like a bastard?�  
  
  
  
�Eh, I come up with my own sayings. If you can randomly make up words, I can randomly make up sayings.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t snore.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yes buddy�you do.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe it was Bernie.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him as he came and sat right next to me. He had so many places to sit, why right next to me? �We have to be at the studio in about ten minutes.�  
  
  
  
�Real time?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, I�m good then. That means I have about an hour or so.� I nodded at him.  
  
  
  
�Thanks for bailing me out last night AJ.�  
  
  
  
�No problem kiddo, and for the record, I�m proud of you for standing up to her and not melting away into a mess of goo.�  
  
  
  
�A mess of goo?�  
  
  
  
�You know what I mean. It was probably hard to give her the heave ho.�  
  
  
  
�Actually, it wasn�t really as bad as I thought it would be. You know�she�s kind of a psycho.�  
  
  
  
�Wow you think?� I rolled my eyes at him. If only he had realized that about 7 months ago, he could have saved us a whole lot of grief.  
  
  
  
�Shut up, I know I made a mistake, okay? You have made your fair share of those too you know.�  
  
  
  
I couldn�t argue with that because he had a point. We both were pretty shitty when it came to our choice in women sometimes. Mine were better overall though. �Whatever�so you gonna shower, you kind of smell like ass.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe that�s the smell I�m going for.� He didn�t even hesitate in his response which cracked me up. Hahaha cracked me up�.smells like ass�get it?  
  
  
  
�Well if it is, I can tell you, you�ll be sitting all alone today.�  
  
  
  
�I like my alone time.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, go take a damn shower�God, I feel like your mother sometimes.�  
  
  
  
�My mother never nagged at me to shower.�  
  
  
  
�Which is probably why you always smell like ass!�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�I�ll go take a stupid shower�just because I lovesssss you.� He reached over and kissed my cheek.  
  
  
  
�Ugh�get off me dude.� I pushed him away and laughed. That kid is SO not right in the head. Seriously�he�s a mental case.  
  
  
  
Now that I had the couch to myself again, I placed my feet up on the coffee table and made the horrible mistake of opening up the newspaper.  
  
  
  
  
  


**************

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Honey, you are going to be late!� I came running out into the kitchen and kissed my wife as she handed me a plate of toast. I was hoping for bacon and eggs or something but like she said, I was going to be late, even though I knew I�d be the first person there.  
  
  
  
�Relax babe�you know how it goes.�  
  
  
  
She shook her head, �If you guys mean 2 then just say 2! It makes no sense�just like setting your clock ahead ten minutes. If you always count on that then what�s the point?�  
  
  
  
I understood her reasoning but she unfortunately lacked Backstreet logic, which most people do. See, we have a thing called Backstreet Time whereby when we say something like, �We need to meet at the studio at noon.� What that really means is � At noon we will start to contemplate getting to the studio but first we have to make some calls and then�that game is on I wanted to watch and oh is that a moose? So on and so forth until eventually we end up at our location. Usually about two hours behind on normal time.  
  
  
  
I am not a fool; I understand that Backstreet time only really applies to the Backstreet Boys. It�s not like when Baylee starts school I can bring him at 10 and say he was on time. My wife is under the impression that I will do just that. Have I not taught her anything yet?  
  
  
  
�Eat!�  
  
  
  
Apparently I have not. To appease my lovely wife I placed an entire half of a slice of toast in my mouth. Baylee got a kick out of that and so did she�I saw her crack a smile.  
  
  
  
�Brian! Don�t teach your son bad habits!�  
  
  
  
�Baylee don�t be like daddy�okay?� I said with my mouth full just to get another giggle out of my son. His laughter just melts my heart.  
  
  
  
�Daddy is funny.� He said as he giggled.  
  
  
  
�No, daddy is silly.� Leighanne corrected as she came and sat on my lap. �He just thinks he�s funny.�  
  
  
  
�Well my charm worked on you didn�t it?�  
  
  
  
She smiled at me and pat my head as if I was her pet dog, �A little.�  
  
  
  
The phone rang just as she passed by, �It�s AJ.� She said as she handed it to me.  
  
  
  
�You aren�t even going to pick it up and say hello to him? Make his whole day?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe later when you�re not around.� She gave me a nasty little wink. My wife is not as angelic as everyone makes her out to be.  
  
  
  
�Hey AJ�what�s up?�  
  
  
  
�Have you looked at the paper yet this morning?� By his serious tone, my heart just kind of skipped a beat.  
  
  
  
�No, why?� My eyes searched the kitchen for the unread paper. Why we even had one delivered everyday was a mystery to me, neither of us ever read the thing. The only time I opened it was when I wanted to check scores. I don�t think Leigh has ever opened a paper. We have no idea what�s going on in the world and that�s fine with us. Ignorance is bliss.  
  
  
  
�Go to page 3� middle.� I really didn�t like his tone. He was making me nervous. Surely if the end of the world was happening I would know about it by now and since he didn�t start the conversation out with �Run for the hills there�s frogs falling from the sky!� I was pretty sure I was safe.  
  
  
  
�Leigh, did we get the paper today?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, it�s in the living room.� I stood up and ran into the living room, sitting on the couch as I took the paper out of its plastic wrapping.  
  
  
  
�How bad is it AJ? Just tell me what it says. Is it about a war or the end of the world or something?�  
  
  
  
�Or something�just look. I don�t friggin believe her!�  
  
  
  
�Uh oh�� I said as I flipped to page three and allowed my eyes to go to what AJ was talking about. It was then that I said a very unchristian like thing.  
  
  
  
�Holy fuck!� yeah�that would be it.  
  
  
  
  
  


******************

  
  
  
  
  
  
I�m glad I listened to AJ, don�t tell him I said that because then I�d never hear the end of it, but it was true. A nice hot shower really hit the spot. I really do enjoy bathing even though sometimes I may give the impression that I do not. Nothing is better than a nice hot shower after a workout or a long day in the studio. It�s the only place where I can really be myself and be all by myself�well, sometimes.  
  
  
  
I decided to lay on my bed again after getting out of the shower. Sometimes I just enjoy sitting there naked. Well not completely naked, I mean I have a towel around my ass but you know what I mean. At that moment I couldn�t help but smile, �My god�� I said out loud, �I�m in a really good mood for the first time in forever!�  
  
  
  
And I was, it�s like the little fight Paris and I had last night was the closure I needed to move on. It felt great being the one to do the calling off instead of it being the other way around like it usually was. I was always the one left with a ton of unanswered questions. No explanations just a bunch of �see ya wouldn�t wanna be ya�s.�  
  
  
  
Maybe I am finally growing out of my inferiority complex. It�s so funny because only the people that really know me and fans are EXCLUDED from that. God I hate the way the fans think they know me. It makes me sick sometimes. Anyway�the people who really know me, know how shy I am and how inadequate I tend to feel around women.  
  
  
  
I know they�re better than me going into the relationship and that is what always gets me in trouble. At least according to the numerous conversations Kevin and I have had on the subject. Oh, did I say conversations? I really meant lectures.  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why it is I feel like that and I know that I even kind of come off smug and a little conceited to girls. It�s not that I have confidence though; it�s just that I enjoy sex. No one wants to have sex with a shy guy who doesn�t make eye contact. No, when girls see Nick Carter, they expect to have a good time with a pop star. I try not to disappoint and if I do say so myself, I don�t disappoint that often.  
  
  
  
�I am free!� I decided to proclaim to my empty room.  
  
  
  
�Free�.free as a bird�woohoo!� Maybe I�ll go out tonight and try to find someone else.  
  
  
  
Someone better than Paris, someone who isn�t named after a city overpopulated by mimes�I should have known it wasn�t going to work out between us because I am freaking scared to death of mimes.  
  
  
  
Maybe a nice school teacher from some small suburb somewhere, someone who has no clue I�m even famous. I can maybe even tell them I�m like a doctor or something. Doctor Carter�wait, why does that sound so familiar?  
  
  
  
I stood up and ran a comb through my wet hair. Yes, a nice normal girl who doesn�t always need to have her face on the news or the tabloids. Did you know that Paris has a deal with the tabloids? She actually has her people leak where she is at any given minute so that those horrible places will send paparazzi to wherever she may be at the time. She gets a high off of it. Acting all surprised and annoyed that they �happen� to be where she was.  
  
  
  
Nope, my teacher girlfriend will not be like that at all, in fact she�ll be camera shy. And she�ll hate doing red carpets and going to night clubs�although I kind of enjoy doing that. Okay scratch the nightclub part. She�ll enjoy dancing til all hours of the night but not at the exclusive places.  
  
  
  
�My girlfriend is the best! God I love her!� I looked into the mirror and smiled, �Will you marry me?� Okay, that seemed like I was proposing to myself so I quickly shook my head. �You�re right�it�s too soon and I barely know you.�  
  
  
  
I whipped off my towel and decided to dance naked for a few minutes because, why not? I was a free man now with nothing hanging over my head. If I wanted to dance around naked, it was my right to do so.  
  
  
  
After about five minutes of that, I stopped sooner than I had intended but I was getting chilly, I finally decided to put on some clothes and make my way out to the living room. It was only 1:15�still on time. I�m good!  
  
  
  
Yup, I was in a grand mood and nothing was going to change that. The world was my oyster and I was the shell�ready to take on anything life had to hand me. It was just me and my teacher who lives in the suburbs girlfriend.  
  
  
  
And then I saw AJ�  
  
  
  
He was just sitting there on the coffee table, why on the table I have no idea but he looked like he wasn�t very happy about something. He had the phone next to him and when he saw me he bit his lip. That made me want to turn around and go back upstairs�.take off my clothes and continue to dance naked again in my room. Yes my room was a good place to go.  
  
  
  
�Nick.� Dammit! Why on earth do I not have the power to be invisible!  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�We have a problem.� I finally made it all the way into the living room and was now standing right in front of him.  
  
  
  
�You�re acting like somebody died. No one died right?�  
  
  
  
�No, dude no one died but�you might want to sit down for this.�  
  
  
  
Okay now I was scared. He was holding the newspaper in his hand and that�s when it hit me that whatever he was going to tell me, he was getting from the paper and that had to mean only one thing.  
  
  
  
�What did she do?� I hesitated briefly before asking because truth was, I wasn�t sure I wanted to know. Memories of her vowing revenge came to my mind as he handed me the paper.  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure how you�re going to want to handle this��  
  
  
  
That�s when I finally allowed myself to look down and see the huge headline  
  
  
  
Paris Hilton shows up with Mysterious bruises and Nick Carter is allegedly to blame.  
  
  
  
�You�ve gotta be friggin� kidding me!� I was barely able to get that out, that�s how in shock I was. �Why would she do this to me?� And that�s when the water works started. I couldn�t help it, I felt so betrayed�so just my God, how in the world?  
  
  
  
AJ pulled me down on the table next to him and wrapped an arm around me, �Nick, don�t even worry about this, it�s not going to go past this newspaper, okay?�  
  
  
  
�But it�s already out there AJ, I mean this isn�t a tabloid, it�s a real paper!�  
  
  
  
I couldn�t even read the article, in truth I didn�t want to. The very thought of her linking me to the bruises was sickening. �I didn�t do it AJ�I swear to God.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, I know don�t even waste your breath.�  
  
  
  
�She didn�t have those when she left me last night. I have no idea where they came from.�  
  
  
  
AJ pat my back once more as he took the paper out of my hands, �Brian is calling Johnny about it to see what should be done.�  
  
  
  
�Brian knows already?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I called him.�  
  
  
  
�Why? He doesn�t believe I did that does he?�  
  
  
  
�Nick, of course not. We all know you didn�t do it�okay? Don�t even worry about that.�  
  
  
  
�Because I would never do anything like that, I swear.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�Does Kevin know too? And Howie?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure Nicky�either way; let�s not worry about it right now, okay?�  
  
  
  
But I was worried about it, in fact I was worrying so much I felt like I as going to be sick. So much for being in a good mood.  
  
  
  
 **Just one more note, I realize Kevin doesn't have his own part in this chapter but no worries, it just kind of worked out that way. lol  
  
We all know he had a lot to say about all of the Paris stuff and I intend for him to say it ;O)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**


	37. Chapter 37

****

**37  
  
  
  
  
  
�.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When I saw that article, I was beside myself. Words couldn�t even describe all the anger I was feeling. I didn�t even know what to do first. Do I call the newspaper and tell them how messed up it was of them to print something like that without even getting Nick�s point of view? Do I call Johnny to see if there was anything he could do as far as damage control, do I call that fucking hose beast and give her a piece of my mind? Or do I call Nick, who most likely had heard the news and was probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown?  
  
  
  
The older brother in me had me picking up the phone and dialing Nicky�s number and of course I wasn�t the least bit surprised that he wasn�t picking up. I probably wouldn�t have either. �Good boy Nick.� I found myself praising him for his common sense while at the same times wanting to smack him for even dating that bitch in the first place.  
  
  
  
I tried calling their real phone next and when I got the answering machine, I found myself rolling my eyes at the message. It was AJ and Nick, acting like nimrods and talking like Cartman and Kyle from South Park. �Sorry we can�t come to the phone right now but�you must respect my athor -i-tey!�  
  
  
  
�Hey guys it�s Kevin, I know you�re there so someone pick up the phone please.�  
  
  
  
Within a few seconds AJ�s raspy voice came on the line, �Hey Kev.�  
  
  
  
�Did you see the paper?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�How is he?�  
  
  
  
�Not good.�  
  
  
  
�Let me talk to him.�  
  
  
  
�He�s in the bathroom, probably naked and lying in a fetal position.� I rubbed my eyes and shook that mental image out of my mind. AJ has a way of being very �descriptive� sometimes too descriptive.  
  
  
  
�Have you knocked and checked on him?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, I�m giving him some space dude�I mean he needs it.�  
  
  
  
�But still, what if��  
  
  
  
�Kev�he�ll be okay.�  
  
  
  
�I�m coming over there.�  
  
  
  
�Good, I know Brian is too.�  
  
  
  
�Did anyone call Johnny?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, B did. He told us to go to the studio just like nothing happened, because nothing did happen. Stupid bitch!�  
  
  
  
�Have any reporters called?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, that�s why I�m screening.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t let him talk to anybody.�  
  
  
  
�Like he would anyway.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be right over.� I hung up the phone with AJ and took a deep breath.  
  
  
  
I was so sick and tired of all the friggin drama all the friggin time. Couldn�t we do one little thing, like try to record an album without having something go wrong? Was that too much to ask?  
  
  
  
I shook my head in disbelief about what she had done. I mean, I know I didn�t know all the facts and I also know that Nickolas has a really horrible temper but he would never do anything like that. Not in a million years.  
  
  
  
As I was walking out the door to heads towards AJ and Nick�s place, my wife called me to let me know she had just read the news in a magazine. So, now we knew it was more than just the paper reporting on it. This story was slowly making its way out into the public.  
  
  
  
�She better hope her ass doesn�t run into me.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, calm yourself down, the last thing you need is to be heard threatening Paris Hilton!�  
  
  
  
�Kris, you know I would never do that, but still�God! How can she do something like that?�  
  
  
  
�How�s Nick holding up?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure. I�m going over to see him right now.�  
  
  
  
�Give him my love and tell him to keep his chin up high.�  
  
  
  
I smiled, �I will baby.�  
  
  
  
When I got off the phone with Kristin I almost did call that bitch. I had her number in my cell from all the times one of us had to track Nick down at her place. When I stopped at a traffic light I just sat and stared down at the number. It was then, that I did the most infantile think I have ever done in my life. I pranked Paris Hilton! Nobody will ever find out about it either because I think minus throwing up in someone�s shoe once, it was one of the lowest moment�s of my life.  
  
  
  
I got her voicemail and all I said was �you�re a skanky ass bitch!� And then hung up and you know what? It felt great to do! I highly recommend it. In fact let me give you her number so if you ever have the urge, you can do it to!  
  
  
  
555 Ima-bitch  
  
  
  
I shook my head as I put my phone away and then thought out loud to myself, �God I hope he really isn�t lying naked in a fetal position in the bathroom.�  
  
  
  
  
  


**************

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Niiick�� I always said his name nice and slow when he knew I meant business. Not that he was intimidated by me in the least, but it did seem to work every now and then. �Answer me please��  
  
  
  
I decided I was going to wait for a few more minutes and then barge in on him because Kevin managed to make me paranoid. That�s something that Kevin does best! I suddenly had visions of the boy trying to flush his own head down the toilet.  
  
  
  
�Niiiick, if you don�t answer me I�m coming in.�  
  
  
  
�The doors locked.� He answered as if he was my sarcastic teenage daughter.  
  
  
  
�Well, then I�ll break it down.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah right, I�d like to see that.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, I�m just worried about you�let me in�unless you�re lying naked in a fetal position, then you�re on your own dude.�  
  
  
  
I loved him but there is a limit, you know?  
  
  
  
�You can come in��  
  
  
  
I tried the door and it opened for me and there he was, sitting against the bathtub with his legs drawn up and his arms wrapped around them. He looked so innocent and small and I knew I needed to say something consoling because I did just threaten to kick down the door. I can�t make a threat like that and then come in and say nothing, right?  
  
  
  
�Why do you always lock yourself in the bathroom when things go wrong? You have done that ever since I�ve known you. We�re going to have to make a skeleton key for the bathroom.� Okay maybe that wasn�t exactly consoling but at least it got a smile out of him, even if only for a second.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know why I do that�the bathroom calms me down I guess.�  
  
  
  
�I can see why but dude, our bathroom is a friggin mess. How could this place calm you down? It smells like your ass.�  
  
  
  
�Why are you so obsessed with my ass and its smell?�  
  
  
  
I took a seat next to him as I shrugged my shoulders, �I just like saying the word ass.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I guess so.� He shrugged as well. I love how easy it was to just convince him of things. I think anything I said would have garnered that same exact response.  
  
  
  
�That was Kevin on the phone.�  
  
  
  
�He probably wants to kill me huh?�  
  
  
  
�No, not you�her. Anyway, he�s on his way over.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t want to go to the studio today AJ. God, I can just see it now, the stupid paparazzi are going to be swarming outside there.�  
  
  
  
�Then, we�ll go in the back entrance.�  
  
  
  
Nick nodded as he rested his head on his knees. I placed my arm around him and pat his shoulder, �Nicky, it�s okay. No one will ever really believe her over you anyway.�  
  
  
  
�Why not? I mean I�m the loser. Everyone cares about her; no one gives a rat�s ass about me.�  
  
  
  
I hated when he talked like that! Whenever he was depressed, he got so down on himself. The only person who was worse than Nick when it came to stuff like that was me, so clearly, I knew exactly where he was coming from and yes, that did scare me because I self destructed. I wouldn�t let him do that though. No way!  
  
  
  
�Don�t talk like that about yourself! She�s a bitch, and everyone knows it Nick�I think you�re the only one who was clueless to that. I swear to God that even her stupid ass dog knew that her skanky owner was a bitch.�  
  
  
  
�I�m such a jerk AJ�and now everyone is going to think I�m some kind of monster�� Okay�here comes the tears�oh good he stopped himself. I�m not good with the crying. I looked at my watch wondering what was taking the rest of the guys so long to get here and all I could do was pat his back.  
  
  
  
Maybe I wouldn�t make such a great dad after all. I can see it now, �Awe everything will be okay son because your ass doesn�t have a smell to it.�  
  
  
  
�You�re not a monster Kid; you don�t even have a mean bone in your body. You�re like this big freaking gelatinous pancake that oozes love.�  
  
  
  
�What the hell is that supposed to even mean McLean?� He looked over at me confused. How was I supposed to know what I meant? Once it was out of my mouth it was out. No turning back.  
  
  
  
�I meant you�re lovable�.do I have to spell everything out for you?�  
  
  
  
�A big gelatinous pancake?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up, it just kind of came out.�  
  
  
  
He laughed at me, �You�re too much�seriously.�  
  
  
  
I looked him in the eyes then and tried to make him see how serious I was being, because I knew he needed to hear it. �Nick, we all love you dude and we�ll make sure you get through this, okay?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me and smiled, there were those tears threatening to spill once again. �Now come on my gelatinous pancake�let�s get out of the bathroom before anyone sees us.�  
  
  
  
�So do you mean like a pancake made of Jello?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Cool.� He said as I helped him to his feet and we walked down the stairs.  
  
  
  
  
  


**************

  
  
  
  
�Do you really think it�s wise to go over there right now?� My lovely wife said as she clanked the dishes in the sink. A clear sign that she was pissed off.  
  
  
  
�Yes, I do need to go over there. Chances are Nick�s a mess and there�s no way that AJ can deal with that alone.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure Kevin will be on top of it.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe, but still�we should all go there to see how we�re going to handle things. I�m not sure why you�re annoyed.�  
  
  
  
She turned around and gave me a look followed by a sarcastic laugh. Those two things combined were never a good combination when it came to Leighanne. And okay yes, maybe it was a stupid question but I really didn�t understand.  
  
  
  
�Once again you guys need to go to the defense of Nick Carter for doing something stupid. Doesn�t that get old?�  
  
  
  
�He didn�t do this honey. There�s no way he would have ever done something like this.�  
  
  
  
�How can you be so sure about that Brian?�  
  
  
  
�How can YOU be so sure that he did Leigh?� Now my voice was matching hers in volume and by the time I realized we were in the middle of a full blown fight, my son started to cry.  
  
  
  
She walked over and picked our son up out of his highchair. �I just don�t like the idea of always coming to his rescue. Can�t you see the way he�s bringing you guys down? I like Nick, okay? But lately it�s just too much.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t like Nick, you never have and if this was one of your friends�like  
Janet��  
  
  
  
�Oh please�� She rolled her eyes at me as she walked out of the room with Baylee in hand. I of course followed.  
  
  
  
�What? Janet is a wild woman isn�t she? I mean you�ve also known her for half your life. What would you do if she was accused of something like that?�  
  
  
  
�That�s totally different.�  
  
  
  
�How?�  
  
  
  
�Because I don�t work with Janet, she�s just one of my best friend�s from high school.�  
  
  
  
�So? I don�t just work with Nick either. He was my best friend long before I even knew who you were. I�ve known that kid for most of his life. I love him and care about him as if he was my blood�so tell me why it is I�m supposed to just shove him aside again? I mean if you would do that to Janet that would just disappoint me completely.�  
  
  
  
She put Baylee down by his pile of toys and then looked at me. I could tell she was letting everything I said sink in, so while she was doing that I figured it was a good time to continue, �I almost didn�t even tell you. It�s gotten to that point. I almost made up a lie about why I was going over to AJ�s place instead of the studio.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t want you to lie to me Brian.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but I am tired of always having to defend my actions to you.�  
  
  
  
She nodded at me and wiped a tear away from her eyes, �I�m sorry�I know how much Nick means to you.�  
  
  
  
And there was my lovely wife again, the one who no matter how she felt about any given situation, in the end her common sense would win. She came over and gave me a hug which I was quick to return to her. �I�m sorry Brian�I love you. Now, go to your friend. He probably needs to see your face to feel better.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks for understanding Leigh, I love you so much.�  
  
  
  
I kissed her and then reached down and did the same to Baylee before walking out the door and over to Nick�s place.  
  
  
  
  
  


*******************�

  
  
  
  
  
  
Howie was the first one to show up which kind of surprised AJ and myself because neither of us had actually called him, at least I don�t think so. He said he came as soon as he saw the report on the television. Yes boys and girls you heard me correctly, I said television. Reports of me hitting Paris had made it onto the morning new shows. And I�m not even talking the tabloidy ones. I mean the real deal news.  
  
  
  
I kind of regret not talking to anyone about it, because they all said the same thing, Nick Carter declined to comment. I felt a nervous pang run through my stomach just thinking about how whenever I heard stuff like that I almost always thought the person who wouldn�t say anything was guilty as sin.  
  
  
  
�I called your lawyer for you Nicky. He said he�s going to get in contact with you pretty soon.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Howie.�  
  
  
  
�How are you holding up?� He looked me up and down.  
  
  
  
�I�ll live.�  
  
  
  
�If she actually accuses you herself, you can sue her for slander.�  
  
  
  
�She�s not doing that though�she�s being a sneaky bitch and having other people come out and say he did it instead of her. When they ask her she always says no comment.�  
  
  
  
Howie rolled his eyes at AJ, but I couldn�t even do anything. I was beyond tired of being me to the point that if I was alone, I might have just laid down in the road. I couldn�t do that to them though, or my fans, even though half of them wanted to run me over themselves.  
  
  
  
�Were you all alone with Paris, Nicky? Or was someone else with you?�  
  
  
  
�I was alone and then AJ and Brian came and got me. I dumped her and she got mad at me and threw me out of her car. She told me I was going to pay but I thought she meant she was going to lie and tell people I had a 2 inch dick.�  
  
  
  
�You dumped her?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Good boy Nick!�  
  
  
  
�Now�s not really the time Howie.�  
  
  
  
�I know, sorry. Just that when Bean told us you were out with Paris, we were sure you guys had gotten back together again.�  
  
  
  
�You came out looking for me?� I know I shouldn�t have been surprised by that. In a way I was even expecting it, but still�  
  
  
  
�Uh�well no, not really I mean we went out to a club and Bean happened to be there.�  
  
  
  
�What a coincidence huh?� AJ said, sounding amused because please�it�s not like I was born yesterday, even though sometimes I act like it and most times they treat me like it.  
  
  
  
The phone rang once again, which made my heart skip a few beats. This was probably the 25th call of the morning so far�no joke. It got so bad that we turned the volume down so I wouldn�t have to hear the question ten gazillion times in a row. How could she do this to me? Can you really be so vile and malicious to do something like that to somebody? Or did I do that to her and not even remember it? God dammit now she was making me even question my own guilt.  
  
  
  
�Nicky�it�s your lawyer.� AJ said handing me the phone. I hadn�t even noticed that he picked it up.  
  
  
  
Through the conversation with my lawyer which pretty much only lasted long enough to get an �official� type statement from me, all I could do was think back to all the fun times we had shared together. I really did love her once, and even now, how I was supposed to come out and be mean when deep down inside I kind of still did love her?  
  
  
  
Good lord if I actually verbalized that, I would get the beat down of my life, especially since when I came back into the living room Kevin was sitting there waiting for me. He stood up and walked over to me so quickly I thought he was going to body slam me up against the wall or something.  
  
  
  
�Why are you wincing?� He asked me, suddenly stopping his walk towards me.  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t wincing.�  
  
  
  
�Did you think I was going to hurt you or something?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�were you?�  
  
  
  
�Do I have a reason to?�  
  
  
  
Oh god no� please not this game again. �No��  
  
  
  
�Good, then come here.� He pulled me into a hug. �I�m sorry she is doing this to you, are you holding up okay?�  
  
  
  
I pulled away from him and nodded. �As well as can be expected I guess.�  
  
  
  
�So what did your lawyer say Nick?�  
  
  
  
�He said not to say anything to the press, don�t answer the door or phone and to just keep living life as normal. Any statements about that happened should be made through him.�  
  
  
  
�Good idea.�  
  
  
  
I nodded once again�talking was too draining at this point.  
  
  
  
�Well, I know the last thing you want to do is leave here Nick, but like Johnny said, we should go to the studio as if it was any other day.�  
  
  
  
I really didn�t want to do that because what if there were a ton of reporters there waiting for us? I�m not sure I could handle that, �But what if they bombard me.�  
  
  
  
�I won�t let them!� I had to laugh because not only Kevin said that but Howie and AJ did as well, all just about at the same time. They made me feel better about things.  
  
  
  
When Brian showed up, Kevin came up with a great idea to have just the two of them show up to the studio first. They would call me and let me know if it was a madhouse or not, so this way I�d be prepared and knowing Kevin, he would probably manage to scare some of them away by the time I got there anyway.  
  
  
  
�You know Nicky�everything will work out in the end. Eventually the lying will catch up to her and when it does she�ll have a lot of explaining to do.�  
  
  
  
�But you know what sucks D? She�s not lying; she�s having everyone else do it for her. She�s not stupid.�  
  
  
  
�She�s not?�  
  
  
  
�Not when it comes to being in the press. She knows it looks like she is telling the truth when she refuses to talk about it.�  
  
  
  
�You know what I think?�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I think you should sic BJ on her!� That was such an unexpected reply from Howie of all people that I couldn�t help but bust out laughing.  
  
  
  
�Thanks D�I needed that.�  
  
  
  
�I�m serious.�  
  
  
  
�I know, that�s what made it even funnier.�  
  
  
  
�Hey guys!� We both looked over at AJ. �Kev called, he said there�s no one waiting for you dude. They probably already figured out the whore was lying.�  
  
  
  
I let out a huge sigh of relief. Maybe this thing would quietly blow over after all. I mean I am entitled to some good luck every now and then, right?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	38. Chapter 38

****

**38  
  
  
  
Me against the world**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I watched Nick for the entire drive over to the studio. He kept worrying his fingers around the frayed ends of the string hanging down from his hoodie and his foot was shaking a mile a minute. Basically every single nervous habit he had was going all at once, poor Nicky.  
  
  
  
I was always so bad when it came to stuff like this. I was barely able to handle my own drama, let alone anyone else�s. Thank God my life didn�t see half the drama his did. I�m not sure how I would be able to take it. Granted, a lot of that drama he creates himself just by his actions, but we won�t go into that right now.  
  
  
  
Today he just needs a friend or two or maybe four and if it�s one thing Sweet D knows how to be, it�s a friend. A great one even, so I took out some gum and handed him a piece.  
  
  
  
He looked at me and smiled, �Thanks D.�  
  
  
  
�Everything will be okay Nicky.�  
  
  
  
He looked away from me and once again started shaking that foot of his. �Yeah.� He answered, not quite sounding as confident as I was.  
  
  
  
�Did Bean ever bring you your car back?�  
  
  
  
Funny, how in all the excitement we had forgotten about Bean, until AJ asked that question.  
  
  
  
�No, he�ll bring it back eventually�that�s just the way he is. He never came back last night. He probably figured I was with Paris and didn�t want to bother you.�  
  
  
  
�How considerate of him.� AJ said under his breath, but loud enough for us to hear.  
  
  
  
�I haven�t even tried calling him since all of this happened. He probably has no idea.� Nicky said as he shifted in his seat and ran his fingers through his hair.  
  
  
  
�I hate when I�m the only one in the front seat. I feel like I�m driving a taxi.�  
  
  
  
�Come on AJ, secretly you know you love it. I know a part of you has always wanted to be a taxicab driver.�  
  
  
  
He turned to give me a look, which I was quick to return with a smile. �You could have sat up front you know.�  
  
  
  
I put my hand on Nick�s shoulder, �I know but frankly, AJ�s driving kind of scares me. It�s safer to be back here with you.�  
  
  
  
�If I had known today was pick on AJ day, I would have dressed for the occasion.�  
  
  
  
Nick and I both laughed just as the subject of our ridicule turned into the studio�s back entranceway. I let out a deep breath and said a quiet prayer, asking that no one be waiting for us at the doors. Luckily there was still no one there.  
  
  
  
Thank you Jesus!  
  
  
  
�Just any other day guys�� AJ reminded us as we piled out of the car and made a run for the back door.  
  
  
  
We were immediately greeted by Brian and Kevin who led us into the studio which was also furthest away from all windows and doors. �I thought it would be best if we stayed back here for now.� Kevin said as he sat down.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should think about calling Marcus again?� it�s a thought that has actually been in the back of my mind for awhile now, the idea of getting our old security team back. I mean, things were different now as far as mobs and such, but still�I didn�t like the idea of us not being completely protected. We lived in a very dangerous world, as my sisters all liked to point out whenever I spoke to them. Yeah okay, they made me paranoid.  
  
  
  
�That�s not a bad idea.� Kevin agreed. Leave it to Kev to always agree with me.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we�ll call them today.� Brian glanced over at me and nodded his approval at my suggestion.  
  
  
  
�Guys�can we not talk about it for now? I want to get to work and just not think about it for a couple of hours, okay?�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing Nicky.� I once again placed my hand on his shoulder. One thing about Nicky, every time he was feeling down or insecure he always needed some form of human touch to make him feel better whether it was a hand on the shoulder, or a hug. Sometimes something as simple as letting him rest his head on my shoulder would do the trick, at least when he was a kid.  
  
  
  
Now that he was older, his sense of �human touch� changed from us to women. Not a huge shocker there, but I have a feeling that�s how he always managed to end up in these horrid relationships. When things go wrong in Nick�s life, instead of turning to us, which he always used to do, he turns to one night stands and hanging around his no good, loser friends who encouraged him to always do stupid things.  
  
  
  
Nicky has no self control.  
  
  
  
That�s why we do worry when he drinks because he has no internal clock telling him to stop, exactly like AJ. But now, I�m just going off on a whole new level of worrying. I swear I am beginning to turn into Kevin and I�m not sure I like that very much.  
  
  
  
I smiled when I felt a head fall on my shoulder. He was chewing the gum I have him like a cow as he sighed, �My life sucks D.�  
  
  
  
�Things will get better, I promise.� I said, lovingly placing my own head on top of his.  
  
  
  
�I hope you�re right.�  
  
  
  
Me too�I thought to myself just as Kevin stood and clapped his hands together, signaling the start of our session.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
The session we had was pretty productive considering how distracted we all were. Maybe not all of us, I admit even I had forgotten about what had happened by lunch time. Nick�s spirits were high and he was even making jokes. I also think he did some of his best work to date. While in the booth he was focused and calm and sang his heart out on one of the songs Max had sent to us. All in all I�d say it was a pretty good day, but now that it was coming to an end, I noticed a change in his demeanor once again.  
  
  
  
Part of me wanted to tell him to come home with me. Have him for dinner and even to spend the night. Anything would be better than having him go back to his place where Bean was waiting for him.  
  
  
  
Bean called about an hour and a half into the session and since Nick was busy singing his butt off, I got to take the call. He seemed completely clueless to everything that happened but when I told him he also didn�t sound shocked. He actually laughed! Do you believe that? He actually thought it was funny.  
  
  
  
He said he ended up at some girl�s house for the night. It took him most of the morning to figure out where he even was. He was bragging about it like he was a college kid. He�s my age! I just kind of laughed along, the whole time rolling my eyes and shaking my head at him. I told him that I�d tell Nick he called but that we�d probably be in the studio until really late. He said he would be going out but if they were lucky, they could hook up at a club later.  
  
  
  
Yeah, that�s just what Nick needs to do now. Go clubbing!  
  
  
  
The evil, sinister Brian in me, thought about not telling Nick at all. Having it accidentally slip my mind until it would be too late for him to do anything about it anyway. Unfortunately the other Brian that lived inside of me, you know the one who is working on a Christian record? Yeah that one, he usually won out when it came to making judgment calls these days. Boo to him!  
  
  
  
One thing that did please me though, was Nick�s reaction when I told him about the clubbing part. He actually shook his head. Was it possible that maybe he was outgrowing Bean? One could only hope, right?  
  
  
  
So as we were getting ready to leave the studio, I looked over at him and out of curiosity asked, �What are your plans for tonight?�  
  
  
  
He seemed surprised that I was the one asking that question and for a second, it made me sad. Things really had changed between us. I hated that, I really did.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I�ll probably go home and do some serious wallowing.� He cracked me up.  
  
  
  
�Wallowing�kind of like a pity party for one?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�you�re welcome to come over and keep me company though.� He had a hopeful look in his eyes.  
  
  
  
�What about Bean?�  
  
  
  
�He�ll be out partying. Believe me� Bean doesn�t like to be anywhere near me when I�m wallowing.�  
  
  
  
�I�d like that then.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �Of course really. I�ll just have to call my wife and let her know I�m going out to play tonight.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t tell her it�s with me.� I laughed, but he was right. I didn�t want to tell her that at all.  
  
  
  
�Are you ladies making plans without me?� AJ asked sounding disappointed.  
  
  
  
�I�m coming over to your place to hang tonight.� I said, wrapping my arms around Nick and giving them both a cheesy smile.  
  
  
  
�Excellent! Maybe we can play poker or something.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds like a plan to me, he sucks at poker.� I nodded at Nick, already knowing how badly AJ sucked at card games.  
  
  
  
The thing with AJ is; he thinks he�s got this straight poker face, but in reality, he can be read like a book. I love playing poker with AJ.  
  
  
  
�Hey! Not true�I think you just cheat.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t have to when I play against you.�  
  
  
  
�What are you all arguing about now?� Howie asked walking up behind us and kicking me in the butt for some reason.  
  
  
  
�We were discussing how badly AJ sucks at poker.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, yeah�you�re pretty bad J.�  
  
  
  
�You know what�screw you guys...I�m going home.� He said as Cartman which cracked us all up. That boy watches entirely too much South Park!  
  
  
  
�You wanna come over too Howie?�  
  
  
  
He put his hand to his chin and then smiled, �Sure�count me in. I can stand to win some money.�  
  
  
  
�What about you Kev?�  
  
  
  
Kevin was walking past us and stopped when I asked him that. My poor cousin always entered our conversations midstream and was almost always lost. �What about me?�  
  
  
  
�We are all heading to Nick�s to play poker, you want to join us?�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry buddy�Kris is actually coming in tonight. She moved up her flight. How about a rain check? Maybe the three of us can do something another night?� He directed his answer at Nick who nodded and smiled at him.  
  
  
  
�Sure, tell Kris I said hello, okay?�  
  
  
  
He nodded, �Hey Brian, are you going back with AJ then? Or do you need me to drop you off?�  
  
  
  
�I�m good. I can ride with them.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I won�t actually feel like a cab driver this time.�  
  
  
  
�Have fun guys, see you all tomorrow.� He gave us each a handshake but when he got to Nick, he grabbed him in a hug and whispered something in his ear and whatever it was, made him nod.  
  
  
  
�Bye guys!�  
  
  
  
�Buh bye!� I said in my best airline stewardess voice.  
  
  
  
Now all I had to do was tell Leighanne I wouldn�t be home.  
  
  
  
I took a deep breath and made the call.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Okay so maybe I do suck at poker and basketball but at least I am the best golfer in the universe. We should have done that instead. What the hell was I thinking? Playing poker with these guys! I take that me sucking at poker thing back�clearly they all just cheat their asses off!  
  
  
  
�Hello AJ�earth to AJ�how many cards do you want?� I stared down at my crappy hand. I would have loved to give them all in and start over but then if I did that, they�d for sure know I had crap and besides, that was against the rules. I could go for 4 but again that would make my sucking more obvious so I finally put one card down on the table.  
  
  
  
�Are you sure?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Brian, �Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Because you can take some more time if you need it. I mean I would like to make it home before Baylee leaves for college but��  
  
  
  
�Hardy har har.�  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Two.� He threw his cards down in a matter of seconds. What the hell?  
  
  
  
�Dealer takes three.� Brian said throwing down three cards and giving himself three more.  
  
  
  
I picked up my one card and looked at it. It was a 2 which meant now I had a pair of them. Go me! They all did the same and I was careful to watch them all as they debated on whether or not to stay in the game. By all rights, I should have folded because well my hand is probably the worst one you could have but I barely won anything tonight and I was tired of handing over all my money to Carter.  
  
  
  
Howie was quick to throw down his money, �I�m in.� He said confidently and winked at me. Damn him and his winky eye.  
  
  
  
�Me too.� I didn�t hesitate that time and threw in my money.  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�I�m in and I�ll raise you.� He put more money in the pot and gave me one of his smirks. Damn him, he knew I was bluffing.  
  
  
  
�Well I�m out then.� Brian said as he threw his cards on the table.  
  
  
  
�Me too.� Howie said as he did the same.  
  
  
  
Nick looked over at me, �Well?�  
  
  
  
�Dammit! Okay fine�I�m out!� I threw my cards down as Nick reached for the chips in the middle of the table.  
  
  
  
�What did you have anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing.�  
  
  
  
�Are you shitting me? You�re such a little shit!�  
  
  
  
He shrugged, �Sorry�it�s not like we�re playing high stakes poker or anything.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah it�s a good thing too; otherwise you would own the deed to one of my hotels by now.�  
  
  
  
We all laughed as Howie grabbed his Coke and took a sip. None of them were drinking alcohol tonight. They always asked me if it was okay but today I was having one of those doubting myself moods so they laid off. Actually I�m glad because I knew that if they did drink, I�d end up babysitting a drunk Nick all night long.  
  
  
  
�Thanks guys, for taking my mind off things tonight. I really appreciate it.� Nick nonchalantly said as he grabbed for the bag of chips off to his side.  
  
  
  
�I�m glad we were able to help.� Brian placed his hand on Nick�s shoulder. I was glad that Brian actually was able to come, I am pretty sure I heard him arguing with his wife as we were getting ready to leave the studio.  
  
  
  
�I�m just sorry that I keep bringing you guys down.�  
  
  
  
�This wasn�t your fault Nick, you couldn�t have any idea that she would do something like that and besides�it seems to have already blown over.�  
  
  
  
I hesitantly nodded at Howie. Good old Howie D was always so positive. Just because we haven�t been swarmed all day doesn�t mean it�s all over. In fact, we told the receptionist at the studio not to allow any calls to come in, and I shut off the phone and we haven�t put on the television or looked at any magazines or newspapers. So yeah, in our little galaxy, it was all said and done. Too bad everyone didn�t live in our galaxy.  
  
  
  
Like Nick�s boneheaded friend Rob!  
  
  
  
He walked in at almost midnight, which was early by Rob standards. �Hey guys!� The smell of alcohol on his breath was almost intoxicating. I swear if I stood next to him long enough I would have ended up relapsing just by second hand breathing.  
  
�Dude�everyone thinks you�re a fucking wife beater!� And what a great way to make an entrance.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�That�s all I friggin heard in the clubs. Everyone was talking about you beating the shit out of Paris.�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Brian and shook my head at him. Maybe there was a way we could drown this stupid ass in Nick�s pool later. No one would notice�  
  
  
  
�They are?� Nick tried to act all calm and collected but you could tell by his hands alone that he was losing it. They were shaking, pretty badly.  
  
  
  
�Shit yeah�Nikki was at one of the clubs I was at and you had to hear the stuff she was saying about you.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, don�t let it bother you.� I said, trying my best to give Bean some kind of shut the hell up sign.  
  
  
  
�The club said they were banning you from there permanently.�  
  
  
  
�Let them�who gives a fuck?� Nick said as he stood up and in one sweeping motion, knocked all the poker chips off of the table. He then hit the wall with his fist but it wasn�t a hard one. It was one of those slow motion, �why is this happening to me?� kind of punches culminating in him placing his head against the wall.  
  
  
  
�Pffft�Nick don�t let all this shit get to you. We can find other places to party and as for fucking Paris�she�s a whore.�  
  
  
  
Nick nodded but the damage had been done. He looked at all of us and I could tell he was embarrassed by his actions. �Sorry about that guys.�  
  
  
  
Brian and Howie both stood up and helped collect all the chips as I watched Nick walk out of the room, �I�m heading to bed. I guess I�ll see you guys tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�Night buddy.� I waved at him, but he didn�t even look up.  
  
  
  
�You guys were playing poker? Cool!� Bean said taking a seat at the table and sticking his hand in the bag of chips.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I made it to my room just in time. I didn�t want them to see me lose it again. I�m always losing it in front of them. I locked my door and slide down to the floor with my back braced firmly against it as I started to cry like a baby.  
  
  
  
�I�m a horrible person.� I said to my empty room, because right at that moment, that�s what I felt like, a horrible person.  
  
  
  
I was feeling so sorry for myself it was almost pathetic. As pathetic as everyone seemed to think I was. Paris had called me a loser so many times and when she didn�t, countless magazines, reporters, and even people I had only met a few times did. How could they all be wrong?  
  
  
  
You know what I would like to happen? That just once, someone would stick up for me. You know? When someone calls you everything under the sun, instead of nodding in agreement, I would love if for once someone said �Not Nick�he would never do something like that.�  
  
  
  
I know the guys would, I�m not even really talking about them. I�m talking about the masses in general. Everyone in the universe seems to be against me in one way or another. I know I�m famous and I know It�s not supposed to bother me, but I�m sorry�you can only hear so much about yourself before you start believing it all.  
  
  
  
I know I�m dumb, I know my family is messed up and I know that I�m white trash. I know I don�t have the best voice in the world and I know that I probably don�t deserve all the good things that happen to me and I know that I drink and party too much. I also know that I have a heart and I have a soul and that every time crap like this happens my heart breaks a little and my soul fades a little.  
  
  
  
I just don�t get why it�s always me against the world?  
  
  
  
I took a few deep breaths as I bat my head against my door. I�m not even sure how to fix this. No matter what I say, that speculation will always be out there. Now on top of everything else, I was a physical abuser of women. Just one more thing to add to my incredible resume, filed right behind biggest flop for a solo album and cry baby.  
  
  
  
�Nick?� Brian called from behind the door. I knew one of them would be up to check, you know just in case I fell out an open window again. As much as I wanted to let him in and lean on his shoulder and cry, like I always used to when I was younger, I just pretended not to hear him until finally, he just walked away.  
  
  
  
I must have sat in that same position for over an hour. I heard the guys leave, I saw the lights as they pulled out of the driveway and I heard Rob say goodnight to AJ who had the television blaring in the living room. I didn�t have the energy to even stand up and go to bed, so I just reached over and shut the light and there I just sat, all night long in the dark, with only my thoughts to keep me company.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	39. Chapter 39

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**39  
  
  
  
The Club Incident**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Three days after Howie went and got Bean from the airport, I found myself taking him right back. I didn�t mind at all, mainly because it meant he was leaving. Seems like he had a work related emergency which I found ironic considering how little he actually worked. What kind of work related emergency can someone who does nothing but lives off of other people have?  
  
  
  
I know the real reason for this sudden �emergency� and it was called Nick. The next day, after we all played poker, when the kid woke up he barely said anything to me or Bean. He came out of his room, looking like complete hell, walked into the bathroom to get some aspirin and then went back into this room again.  
  
  
  
He told me that he was sick and couldn�t make it to the studio and I decided that maybe it was a good idea. I wasn�t going to press him to see what was wrong because, duh�I already knew. The kid wanted to be alone and I was going to let him have that time.  
  
  
  
The guys didn�t mind at all, in fact I think they were happy he decided to take a day and relax. Kevin came to the studio late because of Kris anyway, so it was kind of a blow off work day for the four of us. We didn�t even bring up the Paris thing, not even once because I guess we all knew in the back of our minds that the quicker we all pretended the stupid scandal didn�t happen, the quicker it might go away.  
  
  
  
Kevin was the only one who mentioned it, just in reference to how our youngest member was doing. I didn�t tell them how bad he looked when he decided against coming in to work and I also neglected to tell them that as I was leaving, I had heard Bean on the phone making plans to have a huge party.  
  
  
  
That�s why I was absolutely dreading having to go home. I was almost certain I�d find half naked women hanging from my chandeliers or something, not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, if it was up to me every home would come equipped with at least three of those. What I wasn�t looking forward to were all the drunken people. The random loser Nick and Bean friends who decided to pee in our sink or throw up in one of our potted plants thinking that was the funniest thing in the world.  
  
  
  
Howie noticed my hesitation about going home and pulled me aside just as I was getting into my car. �What�s going on?� He asked me, I guess making sure that the Kentucky cousins didn�t hear him.  
  
  
  
�I�m almost certain that Bean is having a party at my house tonight.�  
  
  
  
He looked annoyed. I mean seriously pissed off and the only thing I could do was shrug at him. �I could be wrong but I�m pretty sure I heard him making big plans.�  
  
  
  
�You have every right to kick those people out of your house J. I mean it IS your house.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�So Nick skipped out on a session to have a party?�  
  
  
  
�No� nothing like that. To be fair, I don�t think he had any idea either.�  
  
  
  
�You are more than welcome to hang with me.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him, �Thanks D�but I�m going to go home. If there is a party, I�ll be knocking on your door and hopefully bringing Nick with me.�  
  
  
  
Of course on the entire drive over to the house I kept arguing with myself for not just going with Howie straight away, but I�m glad I didn�t because when I got to my place, I found Bean with his bags all packed just sitting on the front steps as if he had been thrown out of the house. �Were you thrown out?� I asked him as I adjusted my sunglasses on the end of my nose. I was hoping the answer was yes.  
  
  
  
�Nah�I just got called away on business. Nick was going to drive me to the airport but he hasn�t come back yet.�  
  
  
  
�Come back from where?�  
  
  
  
�He said he needed to go for a drive.�  
  
  
  
�How long ago?�  
  
  
  
�About two hours.�  
  
  
  
�Huh�well�I can take you if you want.� Why on earth I offered, I have no idea. I mean he could take a cab. It wouldn�t kill the guy. I�d even pay for it. But the words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop myself. At least I said that and not something worse like �let�s have anal sex�  
  
  
  
So that brings us to here and now, me helping clueless Rob put his bags onto a carrying thing, so I could get the heck out of there. I hate airports�have I mentioned that before? He took his final bag and then shook my hand, �Thanks a lot man�I owe you for this.�  
  
  
  
�No problem�have a safe trip.�  
  
  
  
�I will�tell shit face to give me a call when he gets home.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Okay�I�ll relay the message.�  
  
  
  
As I got back into my car and turned on the radio, there it was once more. Someone reporting on Paris Hilton�s bruises and that Nick was most likely the cause. They of course went on to explain how Nicky was prone to violence and that his entire family was messed up. �Nice�very nice.� I switched to another channel only to find yet another report. This thing was turning out to be a freaking nightmare.  
  
  
  
I shook my head as I shut the radio off and instead went for my CD player only to find that Nick had snatched the Killers CD from there.  
  
  
  
Ugh! If I wasn�t feeling so bad for the little shit right now, I�d kill him.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
My wife was having a girls night out tonight, I think what sparked this was my sudden poker night last night. I don�t mind though, Leigh needs to be with her friends and go out and have fun every once in awhile and most importantly it gave me some time to just be with my son. The Littrell men bonding�gotta love that. We went to McDonald�s for dinner.  
  
  
  
We had one really close by our house and it was one of those, with a huge playground but not very frequented by people. It was perfect for us so we hung out there for a little while. Bay gets such a kick out of slides. If we had the room, I would have made a huge slide going right into his bed and in place of stairs, one huge slide from top floor to bottom. Oh my God, think of the hours of fun that would be? Being a grown up sucks!  
  
  
  
This one was especially appealing to him because it was Grimace�s tongue. I personally found it a little disturbing but then again, I�m not 2, so I guess it�s all good. After about an hour of that, we figured we would make our way along the boardwalk and the beach. I loved living so close to a beach. Sure, I missed Georgia and just about everything to do with our house out there, but nothing quite beat all the beaches we were around out here.  
  
  
  
I bought us a thing of cotton candy to share and he promised me he wouldn�t tell his mother about it. Of course I was regretting this decision after about ten minutes when he turned into one big messy pile of goop.  
  
  
  
Maybe I could just dunk him in the ocean real quick�that would clean him up in a hurry. Yes, I actually did have that frame of thought, which is why I�m the father and Leighanne is the mother, luckily for my child, that thought was interrupted when I saw Nick sitting on the sand all by himself, playing with a stick. How I could tell it was him was anyone�s guess. From the back it really could have been anyone, there was just a way he was sitting there, in his pink shirt and tattered jeans, poking at the sand with a small stick, that just screamed Nick to me. So I took my extra sticky son and we ventured closer to his Uncle Nick.  
  
  
  
Sure enough, once again the B Rok man was right. I had planned a sneak attack but my son�s cooing made Nick turn to face us. He seemed shocked to see me standing there holding my son. �Are you always out here?� I asked him, not really knowing what else to say. �I hope you weren�t playing hooky from work to sit out here all day.�  
  
  
  
�Hey B�.and hello mini B.� Baylee clapped and laughed at that as if he completely understood everything that was going on.  
  
  
  
I plopped down next to him and let my son loose on the sand, he instantly started rolling around. �He likes to roll.� I added, wishing I had brought my camcorder. Lately I bring that thing with me whenever I have Baylee around because I never want to miss a thing.  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t out here all day, just left a few hours ago to get out of the house for a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�You left Bean in the house all alone?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �I guess AJ is there now too.�  
  
  
  
The thought of AJ entertaining Bean made me laugh. �Everything okay?� I placed my hand on his shoulder. He seemed lost, like always, but yet a little more than usual. The way he was half looking at the ocean and half watching my son let me know that whatever was bothering him, like I didn�t already know, was something he didn�t feel like talking about.  
  
  
  
He shrugged off my question, just like I knew he would, �Yeah�just wanted to come out and listen to the water I guess. What are you guys doing out here?�  
  
  
  
�We thought we�d get some cotton candy and hang out�we�re having a guy�s night out!�  
  
  
  
�You should take him over to my place and have him play poker with AJ.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �That would be a good way to ensure his college fund.�  
  
  
  
I thought that was funny, but he just nodded, once again focusing on the water and the few surfers that were out on the waves. �You know, that�s the one thing I have yet to really learn how to do. You always told me you�d teach me.� I reminded him.  
  
  
  
�Surf?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �Yeah��  
  
  
  
�I didn�t think you were actually serious about that. I mean you mentioned it in passing like a gabillion years ago.�  
  
  
  
�Because the thought of you teaching me how to do it scared me a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�And it doesn�t now?�  
  
  
  
�Not really, so when will my first lesson be?�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �Soon�I promise.�  
  
  
  
�Good because I�m holding you to that.� Baylee came running over to me and tackled me. I of course fell back as if I was hit by a quarterback.  
  
  
  
�Brian you�re son is a mess buddy. It looks like he�s been breaded and ready to be deep fried.�  
  
  
  
I grabbed my son and held him up in the air as I laid on my back. �Yes he does, doesn�t he? You look yummy enough to eat!� I said to him as I lowered him down and tickled his belly with my lips.  
  
  
  
Baylee started laughing uncontrollably. See? I knew I should have brought my camcorder with me, of course then I�d be caught red-handed letting him eat cotton candy but I was willing to make that sacrifice just so I could get his entire life on film.  
  
  
  
I looked over and caught Nick staring at us while we were having a moment my son and I. He had the most genuine smile on his face as if he couldn�t be happier for me if he tried. It was moments like these that I wish I could take him and do the same thing I was doing to my son. I wish there was a way I could shelter Nick from all the bad crap, but unfortunately life was much more complicated than that.  
  
  
  
I sat up and once again let my son loose, this time he headed straight for Nick and tackled him the same way he had jumped on me. Nick giggled as he tickled my son under his chin. �Wow you are really sticky Baylee!� He wiped his hands on his own shirt as once again my son headed in my direction.  
  
  
  
�It�s the cotton candy.� I said using my own shirt to wipe my son�s hands and face and just like Nick had said, he looked like he was breaded. �Well, I better be going and get this kid in a bath before his mom comes home and yells at me.�  
  
  
  
�We wouldn�t want that to happen.� He said winking at me.  
  
  
  
�What are your plans? Going out with Bean tonight?� Nick shrugged at me which for some reason I took as a hopeful sign. I didn�t want him hanging out with Rob while he was like this. No good would come from that situation.  
  
  
  
�Well, whatever you do, I�m only a phone call away. It�s just Bay and I so don�t feel like you�d be intruding.� I saw his eyes light up just from the offer.  
  
  
  
�Thanks Bri.� He stood up and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then did the same to my son.  
  
  
  
We said our goodbyes and then headed back home where I was sure it would take me hours to clean my son off.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I looked over at Kris who was sitting at a table, seductively sipping on a drink across the room. It was getting late and for a second I was starting to think that Nick wasn�t going to ever come out of the bathroom. I told Kris that I thought it was a bad idea to invite him out to a club with us, considering all the drama but she insisted that it would do him good to get out and be with the two of us. We�d keep him out of trouble she said and I had to agree. Anything was better than him hanging out with Bean.  
  
  
  
Nick seemed hesitant at first but eventually he was eager to come out. He said he was looking forward to spending some time with Kris. He told me about Bean leaving just as we reached our destination and in that moment, I felt bad for dragging him to a club. I bet he would have just stayed home and went to bed. Stupid me.  
  
  
  
I saw him emerge from the bathroom a few minutes later. �Were you actually waiting for me to come out?� He screamed over the music.  
  
  
  
�No� I lied, �I was just on my way to go get a beer, do you want anything?�  
  
  
  
�No thanks.� He said as he walked over towards my wife and took a seat. I was so grateful to Kris and the way she treated the guys. When I told her how important they were to me, even before she knew them, she instantly became a big sister to them as well. Although sometimes the way Nick looks at her, I can imagine what is really going through his brain. Not that I want to imagine that mind you.  
  
  
  
I got a beer and made my way over to where they were. When we first got there, we decided tonight was a night for the member�s only lounge. It�s where the famous people got to play, and although most times, that made me nauseous, tonight I was fine with being away from the masses.  
  
  
  
There were barely any people there, which was a good thing. That�s why we opted for one of the smaller places and stayed away from a big one. The last thing we wanted was paparazzi and press and worst of all, running into Paris Hilton. Lord knows what I would have done if we had run into her.  
  
  
  
I took a seat and smiled at them both. �Everything all good?� I asked to the great amusement of both Nick and my wife. �What?�  
  
  
  
�I just told Kris, it was odd that you hadn�t asked me that yet.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah?� I raised my eyebrow at him.  
  
  
  
�I was sure it would have come out of your mouth at least ten times already.�  
  
  
  
�I am not as predictable as you think I am Carter.�  
  
  
  
�Right.� He said as he nursed the beer he was drinking. I was glad to see he wasn�t touching the hard stuff tonight. I know for a fact if he had been with different company, he probably would have been drinking more potently.  
  
  
  
�I bet you were late to the studio today, am I right?�  
  
  
  
�Perhaps.�  
  
  
  
He smirked at me, �See? You are predictable!�  
  
  
  
�Alright, but I least I was there.�  
  
  
  
�I know�sorry about that.� I didn�t say that with the intention of making him feel bad.  
  
  
  
�It�s okay, I�m glad you took the day off. I hope it helped.�  
  
  
  
He nodded and smiled at me, �It did but this helps even more�thanks for inviting me along. I know you guys barely get to spend any alone time together.�  
  
  
  
�Not a problem little man.�  
  
  
  
Once again my wife and Nick looked at each other and this time they exchanged high fives. �What the hell?�  
  
  
  
�I told her by the end of the night, you were going to call me little man.�  
  
  
  
�Did you guys make anymore bets I should be aware of?�  
  
  
  
�No, that was about it baby.� Kris said reaching over and giving me a kiss.  
  
  
  
�You guys ready to leave?� I asked eyeing my watch and noticing it was already past 2 in the morning. Where did the time go?  
  
  
  
They both nodded at me as we made our way out the front. At first I thought there was a thunderstorm and I think my wife did too, because she bent towards me and asked me if I had brought an umbrella. I was just about to cuss out the weatherman when I realized it wasn�t lightening we were seeing but camera flashes.  
  
  
  
It all happened so fast, that none of us had any time to think. The second we were out the door it started, a frenzy of paparazzi all taking pictures and shouting the most vial things to Nick.  
  
  
  
�Nick why did you beat Paris?�  
  
  
  
�Does it feel good beating up women?�  
  
  
  
�How does it feel to be known as a has been boy bander who also abuses girls?�  
  
  
  
The questions were coming out of nowhere and all I could think to do was grab him and try my best to shield him away from what was happening, as if I was his bodyguard. I put my hand up to them but it only made them press further.  
  
  
  
�Nick�why did you beat Paris?�  
  
  
  
�Leave him alone!� I said getting up in the face of one of the guys who got so close to us he almost hit Nick in the head with his camera.  
  
  
  
�Why, doesn�t the woman beater have anything to say for himself?� I saw it in his eyes, that all too familiar look. I knew he was going to lose his self control and all I wanted to do was get him out of there before that happened.  
  
  
  
I pulled him tight into me, �Nicky, don�t listen to them�they are trying to get a rise out of you. Just relax and I�ll take care of you, okay?�  
  
  
  
�Come on Mr. Carter, don�t you have a statement you�d like to make? Or would you rather beat the next girl who comes walking by?�  
  
  
  
�Leave him alone!� I yelled, this time more fiercely.  
  
  
  
�I didn�t realize you were his bodyguard. Nice, too bad you weren�t there to help Paris when he beat the shit out of her!�  
  
  
  
Nick turned towards the guy with his fist clenched and once more I moved him away, grabbing him by the neck in as tight of a hug as I could. He was starting to shake and I felt completely helpless. Luckily in the middle of all the madness, Kris thought to have someone go get the car. All I wanted to do was get him the hell out of there.  
  
  
  
�I want this to go away.� He cried to me, he was so upset I almost started crying right along with him.  
  
  
  
�Aw look he can dish it but he can�t take it. Look at that!�  
  
  
  
�Don�t listen to him Nick, he wants you to react.� I pat his back just as the car pulled up. Thank God. I opened the door and got him inside. �You people are horrible� I yelled just as I got into the backseat.  
  
  
  
They swarmed around the car at that point as if they were a pack of lions all taking pictures as Nick shielded his eyes. He was in full on hysterics and all I could do was place my hand on his shoulder. �Drive away Kris!�  
  
  
  
�I can�t, they are blocking the car.�  
  
  
  
�Then run their asses over!� I was so mad, I really meant it. What kind of horrible person do you have to be to do that for a living? None of them knew Nick, none of them knew the situation but come morning those pictures will be plastered all over the place.  
  
  
  
�I want this to be over.� Nick said again in a shaky voice.  
  
  
  
I felt so bad; I should have never made him go out. I continued to squeeze his shoulder as the paparazzi finally let us leave.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I can�t do this anymore. I can�t be this anymore. How did that just happen? Everything was fine, I was actually having fun and then it all changed. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? Am I always going to be called those horrible names every time someone looks at me? What about my family and my friends? Will they constantly be subjected to this?  
  
  
  
I was so embarrassed. It wouldn�t have been nearly as bad if it was just me. But knowing that this happened and all of those terrible things were said in front of both Kevin and Kristin just made me�I don�t know�I can�t do this anymore.  
  
  
  
He squeezed my shoulder again. I didn�t have the heart to tell him that he was hurting me. Maybe I just didn�t have the energy or maybe I felt like I deserved to be hurt physically to match the way I was feeling on the inside.  
  
  
  
�Everything will be okay Nicky�you�ll see.� He said as he squeezed. I could see Kris glance over at me from time to time as we drove. We decided to take the long way home just in case we were being followed. The last thing I needed was to have those people know where I lived.  
  
  
  
�Maybe he should stay with us tonight baby.� Kristin suggested as we finally turned back onto a main road.  
  
  
  
�I think that�s a good idea, Nick, do you want to do that?�  
  
  
  
I was still too shaky to find my voice. I had only just stopped hyperventilating, as if I wasn�t already embarrassed enough, �it doesn�t matter.� I finally was able to get out, choppy but still clear enough to understand.  
  
  
  
�Yes, you�re staying with us buddy�it�ll be okay. I�m so sorry that happened.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not your fault, I�m sorry you have to be associated with me.� I started losing it again. I hated this, God I just want to die. It�s hard enough to break up with someone you thought you�d marry one day but then to have her turn around and do something this cruel. Isn�t it bad enough that I�m heartbroken; does my soul need to be broken too?  
  
  
  
�Nick, never say things like that. The only person who should be sorry is Paris�that fucking whory, skanky assed, mother fucking cock sucking stupid ass bitches whore!�  
  
  
  
Wow!  
  
  
  
�It�ll be okay�� He said after he managed to calm himself down. I think he was madder than I was.  
  
  
  
As for me, I was just at my wits end. I know a minute ago I was saying how it was bad they were with me, but if they weren�t I would have most likely just drove off the cliff we passed by.  
  
  
  
I can�t do this anymore!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	40. Chapter 40

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**40  
  
  
  
Has Anybody Seen My Happy Place? **

  
  
  
  
  
  
I was worried about Nick, so much so that I slept on a couch in the living room, right beside the couch he finally dosed off on. I have known Nick for more than half of his life. I know that sounds dumb but I�m just trying to put things in perspective. Because having said that, I can tell you that I have only seen him this upset about three other times since we met. Once was when AJ went into rehab, another when he got into such a huge fight with his mother that she said she wished he was dead and the last was when his parents finally split up. All of those times he just had such a lost little puppy aura about him that I wanted to just put him in a box and ship him to my mother, who always had the ability to make everything better.  
  
  
  
When we finally got out of the car and I got to see that sad expression on his face, I just felt so horrible. I couldn�t help but feel guilty about dragging him out in the first place. If I didn�t invite him out, this would have never happened.  
  
  
  
Kristin, sensing the same amount of despair in him that I did, wrapped her arms around him as she walked him up the front steps to our house. My wife should drive for the CIA because no one would have been able to follow her with the amount of twists and turns she used to get us here. People did indeed follow us but they gave up the chase after a few blocks. Maybe they got hold of a better story. Most likely Paris sensed that Nick was getting attention so she probably feigned getting hit by a car or something.  
  
  
  
Nick sat down on the couch, leaning off to the side as if he was going to just pass out. I sat beside him and once again folded him into my arms. Kris watched us silently. I�m not sure what she thought about when we did things like this so I glanced over to read her expression. She answered my gaze with a small smile which was one of the many reasons why I loved my wife.  
  
  
  
�Everything will work out Nick. You�ll see.� I tried to sound confident and sure of myself, even though I wasn�t at all. I knew come the morning those pictures would be plastered all over every tabloid in America with some horrid headlines to describe them.  
  
  
  
�No it won�t, not this time�� He frowned and put his hands to his eyes as once again the tears started to flow.  
  
  
  
I felt so helpless when he got to this point. Normally, my job was to prevent him from getting to there. Whether it be a nice strong talking too, or a whisper of reassurance. Once he got to this point though, I felt as helpless as a person trying to stop a friend�s baby from crying.  
  
  
  
Brian used to be the only one to be able to really calm him down at times like this. I almost called him but stopped myself when I saw the time. Things change and one of those things was Brian and Nick�s relationship. There was a time when 3 a.m. was normal for my cousin, but those days have long passed. Not that there was any doubt in my mind that he still wouldn�t come out here. He would in a heartbeat, but just now he had so many other people to consider.  
  
  
  
�Nick, don�t worry about it. Tabloids always print garbage. The people that love you will know the truth.�  
  
  
  
He sighed and moved his hands away from his eyes, �No one loves me, and that�s the problem.� He said so softly it was as if I was hearing his inner thoughts. Maybe I had. Maybe he didn�t even really verbalize that but I picked it up from his body language.  
  
  
  
�Nick, we all love you. The people that matter to you most all love you.�  
  
  
  
�My own par�never mind. You�re right; I�m just blowing things out of proportion.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say that buddy�you have every right to feel the way you are, all I�m saying is we will support you no matter what.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me and tried his hardest to smile, �Thanks man�seriously I have no idea what I would do without you guys. Sometimes I think you�re the only ones that keep me sane.�  
  
  
  
I had my hand on the back of his neck and nodded at him, �Why don�t you try to get some sleep.�  
  
  
  
�I doubt I�ll be able to, I think tonight is a sleeping pill night.�  
  
  
  
�I have Nyquil�not that I�m saying you should medicate yourself, but if you think that will help�� Normally I would have never suggested that, but he was right. He needed help to sleep especially when his nerves were this frayed.  
  
  
  
Nick was on two different medicines, one to help him sleep and another for anxiety. The doctor prescribed him the anti anxiety meds while all of that crap was going on with his family. Funny how I said that past tense, as if between then and now, things have been resolved. Unfortunately they haven�t. His family is probably at their worst, most are completely estranged. I�m not sure he realizes we all know this because if asked, he says the contrary, but we do know and we feel for him. Especially since we all know how important family is to him in the first place.  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �That would be good. It rarely helps but maybe tonight it will�thanks for everything Kev.� He looked up at me, once again with those lost blue eyes of his.  
  
  
  
�Not a problem little man�I�ll be right back.� I walked out of the room and towards the bathroom where Kristin was already going through the medicine cabin looking for the Nyquil.  
  
  
  
�Will he be okay?� She asked as she handed me the bottle of the blue stuff.  
  
  
  
�I hope so.�  
  
  
  
�He looks so�I don�t know�like he doesn�t have a friend in the world.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at her; she wasn�t used to seeing this side of Nick. Whenever he was around her, he was usually the carefree, goofball. �He�ll be okay. I think I�m going to spend the night on the couch though, just in case.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t think he�d try anything stupid, do you?�  
  
  
  
�No�nothing like that. Just that�sometimes in the middle of the night, he�ll finally want to talk. It takes him awhile to process things; I want to be around when he finally does.�  
  
  
  
�You�re a good friend.� She said walking towards me and giving me a huge hug.  
  
  
  
�Tonight, I�m more of a big brother or father.�  
  
  
  
She stepped away from the hug and placed her hand on my cheek, �Well, whatever form you are taking Kevin�he�s lucky to have you in his life�and so am I.�  
  
  
  
When I made it back into the living room with the Nyquil and the blankets and pillows needed, he was already laying down in a fetal position hugging one of the couches throw pillows. Even though I already knew the answer, I asked the question anyway, �if you want you can go sleep in the guest bedroom but I know you�d probably prefer the couch so I brought you a blanket and some pillows.�  
  
  
  
He sat up when I handed him the medicine. �Thanks,� He said as he opened the bottle and started chugging it as if it was a beer.  
  
  
  
�Easy!� by instinct I grabbed the bottle out of his hand, having some of the cough syrup fall to the carpet as I did. The last thing I needed was having to rush him to the hospital for an overdose.  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I just know how many chugs it takes to knock me out.� He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie.  
  
  
  
�Well, I say that was enough chug-age.� He laughed at me, which was always a plus when he was this down. Anytime I could get a giggle I would gladly take it. �I hope that stuff doesn�t stain.� I said more to myself then him as I ran to get a wet paper towel and some soap. That�s all Kris needed to see when she came downstairs in the morning, a big blue blob right by the coffee table.  
  
  
  
By the time I had come back, he already had his eyes closed, back in the same position he was in pre-Nyquil. I bent down beside him and rubbed the cough medicine out of the carpet. Luckily it seemed to come right out.  
  
  
  
�I think we�re going to take the day off tomorrow.� I told him. Even though his eyes were closed I knew he was awake because of the lack of snoring.  
  
  
  
�Again? We are losing so much studio time because of me and my stupid mistakes.�  
  
  
  
�Not all of us, I�ll tell the rest of the guys to go, but I think it�s best if you stay home. I�ll stay with you.�  
  
  
  
He opened his eyes again and looked down at me as I sat on the carpet. �I don�t need a babysitter Kev��  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say you did Nickolas.�  
  
  
  
�If you think it�s not going to be a big deal, than why are you suggesting I stay home?�  
  
  
  
When I didn�t answer right away he nodded, �You do think it�s going to be all over the place huh?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe.� I admitted to him.  
  
  
  
�Whatever! I�m so done with everything. I just want to sleep forever and never get off your couch.�  
  
  
  
I put my hand on his forehead, as if I was feeling for a fever, �Nick�it�ll all work itself out. It usually does�now get some sleep.� I winked at him before taking the blanket and covering him with it.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I woke up with the worst headache in the universe. I hated those; you know the ones so bad that they woke you up before it was actually time to wake yourself up? I think it was around 6 in the morning when my eyes popped open from the agony. It was one of the side effects to drinking Nyquil. I always forget that part though.  
  
  
  
So, I sat up and scratched my head for a few seconds unsure of where the hell I was. I had forgotten that Kevin and Kris brought me back to their place until I saw him laying there on the couch like a corpse.  
  
  
  
Kevin sleeps like a vampire would. He lies on his back with his hands folded in front of him. It used to give me the creeps when I was younger. Of course it didn�t help that AJ and Brian used to feed my imagination and make me believe that he was indeed a real vampire and that one night he would come in and suck all of my blood out. I was a very gullible child and Kevin was a very scary, big intimidating guy. Now upon closer inspection, I�m not sure why he used to scare me so much.  
  
  
  
He was something else, Kevin. Here he was sleeping on the couch instead of upstairs with his wife, probably because he was afraid I�d do something dumb like fall out a window or try to stick my head in his garbage disposal. He was always looking out for me and deep down inside, when trying not to act like it was the most bothersome thing on the planet, I was so grateful for that.  
  
  
  
I waddled my way to the bathroom in hopes of finding some aspirin I could take. And yes I did say waddle. It�s that semi awake but really more asleep walk one has when woken up immaturely. My dad called it the morning shuffle.  
  
  
  
Luckily, there sitting on the back of the toilet was a huge bottle of Tylenol. I grabbed it and threw about four in my mouth and dry swallowed them, followed by me sticking my head under the faucet to get some water once they were down. In the back of my mind, I actually heard Kevin screaming at me for mixing my drugs. It�s sad that I heard Kevin and not one of my parents isn�t it? The saddest part of that, my mother is the one that taught me the Nyquil swig. My family has issues.  
  
  
  
It dawned on me then that despite what had happened last night, I was in a good mood. It was weird actually, but I felt refreshed in some odd way. I almost wanted to stay awake and start my day right then and there. Maybe leave a note for Kevin saying thank you and buying some donuts and coffee to bring back to my place, but the more rational me realized this was only a temporary high. It usually happened when I was at my lowest of lows.  
  
  
  
It�s like what they say happens to people right before they die. How their pain goes away and euphoria kicks in. For me, that�s what would happen when my life would randomly decide to fall apart on me. My brain would say, �okay you�we�re taking a break so here�s some happy fluffy bunnies to pet and a nice house made of chocolate�you like chocolate don�t you Nick?� as the theme from Speed Racer played in the background.  
  
  
  
People always like to think I�m zoning out when this happens, but actually I�m just in my happy place, the spot where no one can touch me. �You�re up early.�  
  
  
  
�AHHH!� Yes I did scream like a girl and yes a little louder than I would have liked.  
  
  
  
�Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?� Kevin asked me, as if I had snuck up on him or something.  
  
  
  
�Sorry�you scared me. I didn�t see you there.�  
  
  
  
�You looked like you were zoning out.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, I guess I might have looked a little funny, standing there with the bathroom door wide open and just staring at the mirror, probably with a dopey look on my face.  
  
  
  
�I have a headache.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t take any aspirin! It�s not good to mix medicine!�  
  
  
  
�No worries Kev, I�m not that stupid.�  
  
  
  
�Good.� He came and pat my back. What? A little white lie never hurt anybody, besides I have mixed much worse!  
  
  
  
�What are you doing up?�  
  
  
  
�I need to pee.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, I guess I better get out of your way then.� I walked past him and back to the couch, plopping down and wrapping myself in the blanket.  
  
  
  
When my head hit the pillow it�s as if the happy feeling I had a few minutes ago got knocked out of me. Just like that I was back to feeling sad and alone. I used to be able to stay in my happy place for a lot longer than that.  
  
  
  
�Here he comes�here comes Speed racer; he�s a demon on wheels�� I sang to myself, trying to lure my imagination back to Happy Land. I stopped singing when I heard the toilet flush.  
  
  
  
Kevin walked out a few seconds later, �Are you comfortable? Do you need anything? Another pillow or blanket?�  
  
  
  
�No, I�m good.�  
  
  
  
�You sure?�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh�thanks Kevin�for everything.�  
  
  
  
�You know I love you buddy, right?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�Go back to sleep.� He ordered and I was quick to oblige, hearing the faintest strains of Speed Racer going through my mind.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I woke up to an oddly quiet house. I mean too quiet, there was no snoring, no scampering from pets, nothing. I enjoy my quiet times, not that they ever last very long. My alarm cut through the enticing silence like an annoying well�alarm clock I guess and I knew at any minute all the noise would come with it.  
  
  
  
I stood up and wandered into the bathroom as the dogs started their �I want to go out� barking. �Nick! Let the dogs out!� I yelled as I passed by his room. Of course his door stayed closed and the dogs continued to bark. God forbid HE be the one to get up and let them out�ever! That�s it�I want a divorce!  
  
  
  
�Ugh! Hush, I�m coming. God I don�t bark at you when I need to pee, do I?� This time when I passed by his room I banged on the door, �Nick wake the hell up!�  
  
  
  
The dogs were circling me like a hungry gang of sharks. �Make up your minds, do you want to eat or go out?� I do make it a habit of carrying on conversations with the dogs. It�s just something I do and I know they can understand me. They are smart like that.  
  
  
  
When they ran to the backdoor, I had my answer so I walked over in my boxers and opened the door. If I had known I would have been greeted by that many paparazzi, I would have probably gotten dressed. I let the dogs out and just stood dumbfounded for a few seconds at the five people standing in my backyard taking pictures of me.  
  
  
  
�What the fuck?� I asked before realizing I was just about naked and closed the door on them.  
  
  
  
I ran back over to Nick�s room and knocked once again, �Nick!� I yelled before just walking in.  
  
  
  
The room was empty and I immediately felt the smallest sense of panic creep up inside of me. An Empty room plus a ton of reporters couldn�t equal something good. Had something happened to him? Something happened to him, that�s that. In the five minutes it took me to locate my phone and dial Howie, I had killed Nick off about three different ways. What is wrong with me? When did I become Kevin?  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why I called Howie, maybe because his number was first in my speed dial, but it was clear that I had woke up him by the half dazed way he answered the phone. He answered as if he was Italian.  
  
  
  
�Imma D.� I couldn�t help but laugh.  
  
  
  
�You ah D eh?�  
  
  
  
He paused for a few seconds, probably trying to figure out who I was, �AJ what do you want?�  
  
  
  
�Do you have any idea why there are a gazillion reporters in my backyard?�  
  
  
  
�What? Is this some kind of sucky knock knock joke?�  
  
  
  
�Did I say knock knock anywhere in my question to you?�  
  
  
  
�So, you have reporters in your backyard?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, and Nick isn�t home and I�m worried. I was wondering if you had heard from him or if maybe he was there.�  
  
  
  
�No�did you try Kevin or Brian?�  
  
  
  
�Nope, I called you first.�  
  
  
  
�If something bad happened I�m sure we would have gotten a call. Did he have any plans?�  
  
  
  
�When I got back from my AA meeting, he was already gone. I have no idea where he went.� Now I could tell I was getting Howie all worried which took some skill I have to say. The guy was as mellow as a melon� A mellow melon.  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you go ask the reporters what they want?�  
  
  
  
That seemed so ridiculous but at the same time made so much sense. �I can�t do that D.�  
  
  
  
�Why not? I mean they�re out there bothering you, you might as well find out why.�  
  
  
  
�Isn�t that the equivalent to sleeping with the enemy?�  
  
  
  
�Only if you sleep with them I guess.� I love Howie.  
  
  
  
�Okay, I�ll do that.�  
  
  
  
�Good, and I�ll be waiting�so hurry!�  
  
  
  
�Yes sir!�  
  
  
  
I decided to maybe put some clothes on first before going to talk to the paparazzi, if they were even still there. Maybe if we were lucky, our attack dogs ate them or something. Although knowing our dogs, they were probably feeding them inside information.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I yawned and looked at the clock. How long does it take for a person to go outside and ask a simple question? This is not the way I wanted to be woken up this morning. In fact whenever I am woken up like this, the day usually ends up being sucky!  
  
  
  
�Come on AJ!� I screamed into my phone. Okay well maybe I didn�t scream but I wanted to.  
  
  
  
It made no sense why suddenly the press would be stalking their place, like a delayed reaction to the Paris situation, unless something else happened. �What did she do now?� Was the only thought that ran through my head. She had to have done something else.  
  
  
  
�I swear if he went back to her I�ll kill him myself!� Maybe that would spark a sudden interest in Nick. There is no way he�d do that though. No freaking way. Maybe they weren�t there for Nicky at all; maybe AJ had done something stupid. I mean between the two of them it�s really a crap shoot sometimes.  
  
  
  
Luckily, AJ came back giving my brain a rest from thinking out other possible explanations. �D?�  
  
  
  
�What took you so long?�  
  
  
  
�It was the press dude, they had a billion questions.�  
  
  
  
�What happened, why are they there?�  
  
  
  
�Dude�something went down in a club last night and I guess it was bad.�  
  
  
  
�Who? Nicky?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but at least he was with Kevin supposedly. They have pictures of him balling his eyes out in a car.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�No, Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Jesus��  
  
  
  
�That�s all I got.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks AJ�I�m going to call Kevin and see what the deal is.�  
  
  
  
�Call me back dude, I have a feeling we might be skipping out on the studio today.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, I had a feeling he was right. I hung up with AJ and instantly went to call Kevin. I�m glad he was there when things got out of hand. Why did things always have to get out of hand in the first place? I think that is the million dollar question.  
  
  
  
Our conversation was brief. He didn�t sound very happy to hear about the press over at AJ�s house and said that maybe it would be best if we all took the day off. I asked how Nick was doing and he said Nick was asleep but not happy then he said he had to go, he�d call us all later and we�d talk about what to do next. How we were going to handle the situation. Then he said he was going to call AJ and tell him to come over there as well.  
  
  
  
Of course he added a few choice words for the paparazzi which I will not repeat.  
  
  
  
One thing I have to say, Nick always kept our lives exciting.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	41. Chapter 41

****

**41  
  
  
  
Life Sucks and then you go swimming**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well let me tell you, life surely did get interesting after Nick and Paris broke up. You know, most people when they have a bad breakup, they yell and scream at each other, possibly do stupid things like put a pile of flaming pooh on the ex�s doorstep or maybe order fifteen pizzas and watch from a distance when they open the door and try to explain they never placed the order.  
  
  
  
I have really been lucky when it comes to dealing with ex girlfriends. I don�t really have all that many and the few that I do, weren�t all that vested in me. We just kind of shrugged and went our own separate ways. Yes, one of them did write a tell all book, but it wasn�t even that juicy. I�m not sure why she even bothered. It�s not like I led this double life or anything. Chances are she just needed the money or wanted her fifteen minutes of fame. I think for her, it was more like five minutes, but whatever. I�ll take Sam over Paris any day.  
  
  
  
That brings me back to my first point. What Paris did to Nick following their little break up was just pure evil. It�s like she sat and contemplated what would get to him the most. She knew by accusing him of something horrible it would break him down because she figured out something we all already knew. He was just this vulnerable kid who got hurt very easily even though he tried to act like he was invincible most of the time.  
  
  
  
Kevin called me the day after they were accosted outside of that nightclub. He asked me if there were any paparazzi hanging outside of my house, which thankfully, there were not. As he told me what had happened I couldn�t even believe it. It�s been a long time since I�ve been that mad, but boy when I finally got off the phone with my cousin I was ready to punch something.  
  
  
  
I explained to my wife what had happened and she couldn�t believe it either. Surprisingly, she didn�t side with the rest of the world for once and said she felt bad for Nick. I�m not sure if she did that solely for my benefit or not, but regardless, I was grateful about that.  
  
  
  
We all ended up heading over to Kevin�s that afternoon, deciding not to go to the studio and just to lay low. We knew that reporters would be all over that studio like white on rice and sure enough when Howie called to tell them we weren�t going to be coming, he found out there were about a dozen of them waiting outside.  
  
  
  
Our lawyer and PR person issued another statement on behalf of Nick saying he would never do anything like that and that the people that truly know him know he could never be capable of doing anything like that at all.  
  
  
  
Yada yada yada�  
  
  
  
We all just spent the day trying to calm him down basically. He was a wreck and I couldn�t really blame him although a pretty big part of me wanted to take him aside and shake him. Scream �I told you so,� but the more mature part of me took over. I know sometimes I even shock myself.  
  
  
  
What I hated the most when it came to Nick and crisis of any kind was when he was quiet. At least when he was yelling and screaming, punching walls and cussing up a storm we knew how to deal with him. It�s when he was silent that all of us felt helpless and that�s how he pretty much was at Kevin�s place. We all talked and laughed and joked. AJ brought over some stupid Adam Sandler movies and even though we were all peeing our pants from laughing, every time I looked over at Nick he seemed to be looking past the television over at the wall.  
  
  
  
We tried to treat the day like any other, just deciding to take a well deserved break from the studio for a few days but we really weren�t fooling anyone. This was a serious situation. It�s not like he was accused of cheating on her or something. It was insinuated that he had actually hit her and not only hit her but beaten the crap out of her. Of course his volatile past didn�t help matters any. They showed some old stock interviews where he kicked at the cameras and said mean things to one of us when he was young and forgot that cameras were rolling. They brought up his arrest at the nightclub where he got into an argument with the police and of course they had to mention the part about him crying.  
  
  
  
It was all over the place, very hard to try to forget as I flipped through the channels at home later that night. All of the entertainment programs brought it up and then showed clips of him crying in the front seat of Kevin�s car.  
  
  
  
�What is it you show biz types say? There�s no such thing as bad publicity?� Leigh asked as she lay next to me on the couch. It was the fourth time we had come across a report about what had happened. �Seems like Nick has that part down.�  
  
  
  
�Us show biz types?� I asked raising my eyebrow at her.  
  
  
  
�You better get used to it honey, because the more bad press you guys get, the more people will not be able to tell you from him.�  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh and rubbed my hands through my hair. As much as I didn�t want her to be, I knew she was right. Frankly, I was getting kind of tired of all the bad press myself, mainly because it was never me creating it. It did reflect on all of us and it did kind of piss me off from time to time. Maybe I was just tired but I did find myself getting mad at Nick just then and not because I thought he did it because I clearly do not, but more because of his bad decision making.  
  
  
  
It really did seem like there was always too much drama going on. And that drama always either involved him or AJ.  
  
�You know what? How about we do something stupid for once? You want to go outside and run around the street naked or something?�  
  
  
  
She sat up and gave me a look like I was drunk.  
  
  
  
�Come on baby�I mean why should Nick be the only one that does stupid things. Let�s go�I�ll go get the honey and you can bring some feathers. Maybe we can CAW really loudly. Let�s be bird people!� She tried to act like she was angry but she smiled and finally laughed.  
  
  
  
�Brian, you�re nuts.�  
  
  
  
�I know�but I have to be. It�s a requirement when you are a quote, unquote �showbiz� person.� I also made those sarcastic air quotes to make my point. Did I have a point? God only knows�all I know is I have a huge headache and I�m blaming it on Nick.  
  
  
  
I hope he�s okay.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I hope he�s okay.�  
  
  
  
�He�ll be fine Kevin. I�m worried about him to, but he needs his space.�  
  
  
  
�I know but�I really wanted him to stay with us for a little bit, you know? I don�t like the way he looked when he left.�  
  
  
  
My wife wrapped her arms around me, �He looked fine baby. He was even smiling.�  
  
  
  
�I know and that�s what worried me.�  
  
  
  
She pulled away from me and walked over and sat down on the couch, motioning for me to follow her. When I sat down she began to rub my knee�I love it when she rubs my knees. �You worry too much Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�I know but that�s just how I am.�  
  
  
  
�You say that as if I had no idea.� She giggled.  
  
  
  
�I know sorry�just force of habit I guess. It�s just that he�well�he worries me sometimes.�  
  
  
  
�Only sometimes?� She raised her eyebrow at me. I could tell all of this was amusing her in some way. Not as a diss to Nick, but more of an homage to the way I tend to over exaggerate and worry about everyone all of the time.  
  
  
  
�Do you remember that time at Disney�?� I shook my head because I knew exactly where she was going with this.  
  
  
  
�Okay�that�s enough.� Of course she ignored that and went on.  
  
  
  
�And I told you I�d meet you at the Haunted Mansion at 9:30��  
  
  
  
�Kris��  
  
  
  
�But you thought I said 7:30, so by the time I got there I actually saw missing posters with my face up on them all over the park!!� She started cracking up. That story always brought her into hysterical laughter and forever solidified me as anal. The funniest part about that is the guys don�t know. I told her never to tell them, it would be our little secret and she nodded in agreement. One day she�s going to slip up though, I just know it. Then I will never live it down. Well until one of them does something even stupider and judging from what�s been going on lately I probably wouldn�t have to wait too long.  
  
  
  
�Okay well, as far as I was concerned, you were two hours late. You�re this gorgeous girl that anyone could have just run off with.�  
  
  
  
�You say that as if I couldn�t stick up for myself.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t mean that�I did the same thing for��  
  
  
  
�Nick, yes I remember. I was with you, he was late and you guys had no clue where he was.�  
  
  
  
�But you convinced me not to worry.� I said looking over toward her.  
  
  
  
�And what happened?�  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh, which once again made her laugh. �He showed up about fifteen minutes later.�  
  
  
  
�Exactly sweetheart.�  
  
  
  
�But Kris��  
  
  
  
She placed her hand up to my lips, �You have to give him some credit Kevin. I know things are bad for him but he�ll be okay. Let him have his space�besides, isn�t AJ there with him anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�I think Howie is there too.�  
  
  
  
�So? Why are you worried?�  
  
  
  
�Because it�s��  
  
  
  
�What you do.� She finished for me. For now though Nick suddenly became the farthest thing from my mind as I led my wife down to the floor, moving the coffee table out of our way as she giggled.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
�So what do you want to do? Have any idea?� I looked over at Howie and shrugged. It�s weird but ever since we all got back together I kind of felt like I was a teenager again. Is that odd to say?  
  
  
  
Okay I know I didn�t explain that well enough so let me try this again. See, when we first got together, I was young. Not innocent because�well please. But young still the same. And many times when we would be just kind of waiting around for rehearsal or vocal practice, I�d look over at D and ask him what he wanted to do. We were always so bored and always had so much time on our hands at first. I remember always complaining about that until �poof!� suddenly our lives exploded into a huge chaotic mess which only slowed down about 5 years ago.  
  
  
  
Now we�re back at square one. Thinking back to the last time we worked on an album, we could have never done what we�re doing now. There was no way Jive or anyone else for that matter would have just let us take the day or the week off because of what they would have worded as �a little bad press�.  
  
  
  
They would have completely made us go in there and suck it up because the album would have to come out on time otherwise everyone would forget we existed. Those were Jive�s words not mine.  
  
  
  
So, it kind of bothered me that no one had a problem with us saying we weren�t coming in. It�s like we just weren�t as important anymore. We decided to take the entire week off. After the first time we did it, you remember�when Brian decided that he would just leave? I still love him for that.  
  
  
  
Anyway�  
  
  
  
Kevin relaxed a little, seeing that the earth didn�t implode on itself, so when I suggested we take the entire week off for Nick�s sake, I was met with 4 unison nods. Well okay three. Nick wasn�t nodding at all. In fact, I don�t even think he was listening to a word anyone was saying.  
  
  
  
Just like the good old days�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, what do you think?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at Howie as I took out a cigarette. He gave me that disgusted �you�re ruining your voice and life by smoking those horrible things� look. I didn�t care, an AJ without nicotine is not an AJ anyone wants to be around.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we should ask Nicky what he wants to do.�  
  
  
  
�We could but you know sulking is not my idea of fun.� He laughed at me. It�s true though. Come on�we all know that�s what Nick�s big plan is tonight and every other night until this all blows over. He�s probably lying in his bed right now, head under the covers and sighing.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we can play some video games; I haven�t done that in forever.�  
  
  
  
�You?� I gave Howie a weird look. I have never in my life heard him say he wanted to play a video game. Am I in some weird alternate universe again?  
  
  
  
�I play a mean Donkey King.�  
  
  
  
�It�s Kong Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Oh right, well you know what I mean.�  
  
  
  
�Do you even know what you mean?� He bat at my head and I ducked.  
  
  
  
�What do you suppose he�s doing in there? Think he went to bed already?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know.� I decided to slide back into my comfy chair and put my feet up.  
  
  
  
�Why do you think she would do something like that? I mean does she really need the attention that much to say something as horrible as that?�  
  
  
  
�She�s an attention whore.�  
  
  
  
�She�s not a very nice person.�  
  
  
  
�That�s the understatement of the century D.�  
  
  
  
�Why does he always set himself up by going out with women like that?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged at him again, �They say you tend to go for people that remind you of your mother.�  
  
  
  
�That does explain a lot I guess because she�s as much of an attention hound as Paris is.�  
  
  
  
I nodded, not like I could argue with that one. I am going to let you in on a secret, I friggin� hate Nick�s mother. Okay maybe that�s not really a secret but still it needed to be said. You know I�m sure she�s seen him all over the news and she hasn�t even called him once. Neither of his parents or anyone else in his family has for that matter.  
  
  
  
My mother called when she saw it. She called and yelled at me! And after she was done yelling at me about what a horrible witch that Paris Hilton was and how stupid could he be for dating her, didn�t he realize this was going to happen�on and on and on�she ended with a �by the way, I hope you are watering the plants I gave to you.� Only my mother, I swear. That made me glance over to the plants�the very very dead plants now sitting on the window sill. Yup, I�ll be paying for that one.  
  
  
  
�Did anyone from your family call when they saw him on the news?�  
  
  
  
Howie nodded and rolled his eyes, �My sister called and my mother and my brother. They all wanted to tell me just in case I hadn�t heard about it.� He laughed under his breath.  
  
  
  
�I don�t think his family has called.�  
  
  
  
�They might have�� He answered me with his optimistic smile.  
  
  
  
�True, but I doubt it.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, me too.� His smile faded as he sat all the way back and put his feet up. What a copy cat!  
  
  
  
I heard the bedroom door open and gave Howie a glance. You know, it�s a wonder he didn�t turn out even more messed up than he already was, with the way his family acted. �She�ll probably call the tabloids before she calls him.� I said when I heard the door to the bathroom click closed.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, unfortunately you�re probably right about that one too.�  
  
  
  
�How long do you think it�ll take for this to blow over?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, but we can�t hide forever.�  
  
  
  
�Do you feel like no one cares about us or this album?�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me as if he was surprised by my question. I guess it was a little �now what does that have to do with anything� ish.  
  
  
  
�They cared enough to report about this on all the stupid entertainment shows�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but its Paris�I�m talking in general D�you know? Like does anyone care we are even making an album? I mean how come Jive isn�t all up in arms that we�re taking a break?�  
  
  
  
�We�ve moved way down on their priority list AJ, but that doesn�t mean that no one cares�believe me if we keep postponing going back into the studio�they�ll say something.�  
  
  
  
The bathroom door clicked opened again and out came Nick, in his sweats and �I�m a loser� tee shirt. No, I�m not making that up, when he�s bummed that�s what he wears. It�s a tee shirt that says I�m a loser.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
I�m such a loser. I rubbed my shirt as if to confirm that fact as I made my way into the living room to join AJ and Howie. I was in such a weird mood. Part of me wanted to be alone, just lie in bed all day and stare up at the ceiling, not giving a fuck about anything. But there was that other part of me, the one who hated being alone. He won this time around.  
  
  
  
They both looked up at me with the most pitiful expressions on their faces. I almost turned and walked back into my room�.almost.  
  
  
  
I instead plopped down on the couch beside Howie, �Hey.� I said in a half sigh, half yawn.  
  
  
  
�How are you doing?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll live.�  
  
  
  
�We were just trying to decide what to do. Howie said he�d like to play some Donkey King.� Howie went to slap at AJ but missed him.  
  
  
  
�I don�t care�just sitting is fine.�  
  
  
  
�So that�s your big plan this evening Nick? Sitting?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�maybe I�ll stand and get some food later, for now sitting works for me.�  
  
  
  
They both shrugged, �Sounds fun�wow we really know how to live it up don�t we?� I laughed at Howie, but secretly I wanted him to leave. AJ too, but then again why because the second they were gone I�d be wanting them to come back. Good lord I�m so messed up!  
  
  
  
I had to snap out of this little funk I was in because it wasn�t doing anyone any good, especially me. When I get like this, there are always two things I want to do, one is just lie in bed all day long and never get up and the other is getting myself so wasted I couldn�t even tell the difference between laying down or sitting up.  
  
  
  
I was glad I had a few beers in the dorm fridge in my room. I guzzled them down so quick it almost scared me. It actually did scare me, because I was drinking solely for the purpose of getting drunk. I haven�t done that in a long time. Don�t get me wrong, I drink a lot but I�m a social drinker. I�m the kind of drinker that gets drunk and doesn�t even realize it. AJ, well he was an alone kind of drinker. That was the difference between the two of us, not today though.  
  
  
  
If I had some Jack in my room I probably would have guzzled an entire bottle down just to make all of this stress I was feeling go away. That�s what scared me and made me end up seeking my friends.  
  
  
  
I�m sure I will talk to AJ about that later on; he�s the only person on earth I could talk to about that. Everyone else would just judge. �You know, the two of you can go out if you want. You don�t have to baby-sit me, unless you just plan on waiting around to see how long it takes before I do something stupid.�  
  
  
  
AJ sat up and stretched his arms over his head before plopping back down again. �We aren�t babysitting you and stop putting yourself down. I hate when you do that.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t put myself down.�  
  
  
  
�Niiiick.� He said in his �you know I�m right so shut up� tone.  
  
  
  
�Anyway�like I said you guys should go out and have some fun, don�t feel like you need to stay here on my account.�  
  
  
  
I wasn�t sure what I wanted to happen really. But I�m glad that neither of them moved to leave. �I kind of like the sitting down thing. I should do this more often. It�s kind of fun.� Both AJ and I laughed as Howie placed his hands behind his head and nestled himself into the pillows of the couch.  
  
  
  
�Dude let me know if you find my hat while you�re in there.�  
  
  
  
�What?� That brought Howie back out of the pillows.  
  
  
  
�I did that the other day and the couch sucked off my hat. I swear it was trying to eat me.�  
  
  
  
�I lost a roast beef sandwich in there once.� I joked and it was only a joke but it was enough to make Howie stand up and move to a different chair. Yay that was a fun game I thought to myself as I extended my hand up to AJ�s for a high five.  
  
  
  
�Oh the two of you think you�re so funny don�t you?� D asked pretending to be annoyed.  
  
  
  
�We know we�re funny Howard.�  
  
  
  
�You guys want to go swimming?� I suddenly had the spontaneous need to go jump in a pool.  
  
  
  
�I don�t have a suit with me, but the two of you can, I�ll come and stick my feet in the water.�  
  
  
  
I smiled over at AJ, hoping he wanted to join me in the pool. �Come on AJ!�  
  
  
  
�But I don�t feel like getting wet.�  
  
  
  
�Aw come on!�  
  
  
  
Yes, I decided that going into the pool would make me feel much better and if not maybe I could just hold my breath and see how long it would take for me to drown. Although I guess one doesn�t drown when one holds their breath, it�s the not holding the breath that leads to the drowning, right? Maybe I shouldn�t ask that might make them paranoid.  
  
  
  
�Okay fine!�  
  
  
  
�You are the man AJ!�  
  
  
  
�I know�now I just have to find my bathing suit.�  
  
  
  
�Didn�t you lose it in the couch?�  
  
  
  
�What is it with you two and losing things in your couch?�  
  
  
  
�It�s a big couch.� I said smiling at Howie.  
  
  
  
I was in a good mood and I�m not really sure why. It�s like my brain just shut off all the bad feelings or something. Whatever the case, I was going to take advantage of the situation before the ho hum feelings came back.  
  
  
  
For now, I was going swimming and I was going to have fun dammit!  
  
  
  
�And you�re both right, my family hasn�t called yet.� I wasn�t going to say anything to them. I was just going to pretend that I hadn�t heard them talking about me. But sometimes, it�s a good thing to make them aware of, right?  
  
  
  
They both looked at each other, �Its okay guys�I just wanted to let you know, that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure they will Nick.�  
  
  
  
�No, I doubt it Howie, unless they can find a way to profit from the situation I won�t be hearing from them.� That�s one of the things that was bugging me I admit. I was here when AJ�s mother called him. She had left him a message minutes after the first report came out, even before the night club disaster. She told me to keep my chin up high�well not me but on the answering machine because I wasn�t going to pick up the phone.  
  
  
  
It hurt that my family didn�t care enough to call, even if it was to just find out what happened. It made me realize how alone I really was. Well, there goes the happy mood. Fuck a duck!  
  
  
  
Of course as I was heading into my bedroom to change into my bathing suit, I heard my mother�s name clear as day on the television. It was either impeccable timing or horrible timing. All I heard was �Jane Carter defends her son�� Before Howie turned the volume down.  
  
  
  
I acted like I hadn�t heard anything as I shut the door to my room, downing another beer before I made my way out in my bathing suit. Maybe if I was lucky I would drown.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	42. Chapter 42

****

**42  
  
  
  
Young and Stupid�again.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I would have to say, considering all the recent crap that has happened we were still probably in the best place we have been in years. I�m sure I�m speaking too soon and everyone does tend to think that I always look at things through rose colored glasses, but to me I was just happy that we were all back doing what made us happy again. Scandals come and go but eventually like everything else it�ll die down.  
  
  
  
That was my thought as we headed to the backyard and into the murky green pool? �Oh my God AJ, that is about the most disgusting pool I have ever seen! Don�t you guys ever clean this thing out or hire a pool boy or something?�  
  
  
  
AJ looked at me as if I had just said the stupidest thing ever. As if all pools should be swamp like and I had to have my head examined.  
  
  
  
�Dude, it�s the track lighting inside the pool that gives it that color.�  
  
  
  
�Track lighting?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�can�t you see that?� I walked closer to the edge of the pool and bent down and sure enough, there were green little lights under the water. It�s not like what I had thought was all that out of character for those two though but still I conceded.  
  
  
  
�Sorry�I just panicked for a second.�  
  
  
  
�Dude I know we�re bad�.but not that bad.� He said as he sat on the side and placed his feet in the water. �It�s cold as hell!�  
  
  
  
�Shouldn�t it be hot as hell?�  
  
  
  
�Huh?�  
  
  
  
�Hell is hot not cold; you said it�s cold as hell.�  
  
  
  
�Howie are you on crack or something? Taking any meds I should be aware of?�  
  
  
  
�How is it that I�m the one on crack when you are being a walking oxymoron?�  
  
  
  
�I know what you are but what am I?�  
  
  
  
�You have been living with Nicky too long.�  
  
  
  
He laughed at me as he jumped into the water doing that tip toe �my balls are going to fall of because it�s so cold in here� dance. �You should come  
  
in�it�s great in here.�  
  
  
  
�You�re such a liar!�  
  
  
  
�Am not!�  
  
  
  
�Your teeth are chattering��  
  
  
  
�Okay fine its cold as my aunt Tessie�s ass in here. You happy?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him as he dove under the water. See, a normal person after complaining about the cold, might�I don�t know�come out of the water, but instead he dove underneath. These kids were not right in the head. Speaking of kids�  
  
  
  
�What�s taking Nick so long to come out here? This was his idea and he�s nowhere to be found.� I said, making a casual observation while at the same time looking over to see if he had fallen out his window into the bushes.  
  
  
  
Nope no sign of Nick in the bushes�we were safe, for now.  
  
  
  
�I have no idea�did you check the bushes?� It�s sad that he said that too huh?  
  
  
  
�Yup no sign of him there.�  
  
  
  
�Why don�t you peak into his window then?�  
  
  
  
�What? That�s creepy AJ!�  
  
  
  
�Oh come on��  
  
  
  
�Besides I�m not that tall.�  
  
  
  
�NICK!!!!� AJ screamed all of the sudden and so loudly all the dogs started barking.  
  
  
  
�AJ! Good lord that was loud.�  
  
  
  
�I had to be loud, otherwise he wouldn�t hear me!� He said splashing me.  
  
  
  
�Ah! Stop it!�  
  
  
  
�Come on D�come in the pool!�  
  
  
  
�Why are you acting like a five year old? Whenever you are anywhere near water you act like a child, have you noticed that?� this was an observation I have made over the years when it came to the baldest member of our band. Yes I said baldest, because he is. When he goes into a pool he turns into a child.  
  
  
  
At any minute I expect to turn around and see him wearing those floatie things. He has this routine of jumping into the water and then doing a hand stand and then proceeds to say �Look at this�and look at that�and let�s see who can hold their breath the longest...� it�s really quite comical actually.  
  
  
  
�Hey D�watch this!� See?  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him as he dove under the water and out came his feet. I couldn�t help but smile at him though. He came back up and wiped his nose and shook his head hitting his ear, �Damn, I have water in my ear now! I�m getting too old for this shit.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, you�re a real old man.�  
  
  
  
�You might as well come in since you�re already wet.� He winked at me and started doggie paddling to the other side of the pool.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but then I�d have to drive home in wet clothes and get my leather seats all messed up.�  
  
  
  
�I can loan you clothes or we could even wash yours. I�m sure between the three of us, we can figure out how to use the washing machine.�  
  
  
  
�I know how to wash my clothes J.�  
  
  
  
�Jump in the pool�jump in the pool�jump in the pool�� He started chanting as he pat at the water with his palms.  
  
  
  
�Oh all right�Jesus Mary and Joseph just stop the chanting.� I scooted my bottom off the side and into the cold as �hell� water.  
  
  
  
He applauded my efforts and then once again splashed me. I took that as an invitation to throw his tiny ass across the pool and was just about to when I swear to God I thought I saw Batman.  
  
  
  


~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I looked out the window as I finished my beer, suddenly not in the mood to go swimming anymore. I kind of just wanted to be by myself. I know I�m bipolar�but I�m entitled to change my mind. Hearing the sound of splashing made me sigh. Now that AJ was in the water I would have to go in otherwise I�d never hear the end of him bitching about it.  
  
  
  
I sometimes wish I had a place of my own. I�ve been thinking about moving out but then again I love having the company. I�m so all over the place with everything. God, when am I going to grow up already?  
  
  
  
I threw my empty beer can into the garbage, hearing Kevin screaming at me for not recycling in my head. God, if he knew how many aluminum cans I just threw away he�d pummel me or I don�t know�like make me go hug an acre of trees or something.  
  
  
  
When I stood up to put my bathing suit on I peeked out the window once more. They seemed to be having a normal conversation but I couldn�t make out what was being said. I bet they were talking about me though. I�m a hot topic it seems.  
  
  
  
I wish I was able to get control of my emotions. Once second I felt fine and even�good, then the next I wanted to hang myself. It scared me sometimes, how ferocious my mood swings seemed to be.  
  
  
  
�One more�� I walked over to my fridge and grabbed another beer. The guys were busy outside having a good time, it�s not like they were even noticing I wasn�t there. Besides, I didn�t want to drink in front of AJ and I was a little embarrassed I was drinking now. I knew it was wrong but I needed to do something to calm myself down.  
  
  
  
When I got like this especially, I just had no idea how to make myself feel better. Usually I�d go out and hang with my Florida Boys but considering the circumstances the last thing I wanted to do was go out in public besides, none of my boys were around anyway.  
  
  
  
If I could just stay inside forever I�d be one happy camper, well not really but you know what I mean. How could you know what I mean when I don�t even know what I mean? Anyway�now to pull up my pants and make my way outside. I let out a burp as I finally finished up my beer and left my room.  
  
  
  
Instead of heading out towards the back door, I decided to climb to the upper floor. This was our junk floor. We seriously had nothing up here except junk. Piles and piles of boxes and other things we would never use. It was a nice little attic, not creepy at all. I always wanted to live in a house with an uber-creepy attic, one of those that you could swear there were ghosts or monsters living in there.  
  
  
  
I�m not sure why I came up here, maybe I was looking for something. I walked over to one of the boxes that had my name on it in permanent marker followed by the words �random shit� and opened it up. There were a ton of photo albums and fan letters and random gifts from people so yeah�it was indeed random shit.  
  
  
  
I lifted up one of the photo albums and leafed through it. I smiled when I saw all of us when we were so young and just starting out as the Backstreet Boys. Why I even had this stuff was kind of funny to me. I usually just left stuff like this with my family.  
  
  
  
That thought made me sad again.  
  
  
  
When I went to get my stuff from my father�s house, he was nice enough to store it in his garage for me, he made it kind of clear that there was no room for my crap in his life anymore and even though he was only talking about my stuff, I think deep down inside he meant me in general. I felt like a guest for the first time in my life and I remember walking out of there feeling like an orphan even though I had just held my brand new baby brother in my arms. He had his new life and didn�t need the stress of the old one any longer. He actually muttered those words to me when he showed me his brand new car.  
  
  
  
Of course the understanding son I was just nodded, but the little boy in me, the one that needed and missed his father wanted to say something like, �well if it wasn�t for your old life you wouldn�t be showing me a brand new car that my money bought for you in the first place.�  
  
  
  
Aaron and Angel were living with them and I was happy about that. It was better that they stayed with him than my mother who was a complete disaster. At least this way, they had the illusion of a happy life and even more importantly, they had each other.  
  
  
  
�NICK!!!!� I heard my name and my heart almost went into my throat. AJ sounded like he was set on fire so of course that had me go and look out the window once more. My view was blocked though because of the roof. Well if he was being murdered, he would have screamed my name more than once so I looked down at the pictures I was holding in my hands once again.  
  
  
  
As if to further add salt into my already gaping wounds there was a picture of my mother and I staring back up at me. I was actually sitting on her lap; a grown teenage boy sitting on his mother�s lap. What the hell was wrong with me back then?  
  
  
  
We looked all happy and smiling but I remembered having a huge fight with her that day. It was when we appeared on TRL and it was one of worst fights ever. Funny but I think it was then that I realized for the first time that our family was going to eventually disintegrate into nothing. I wish I was wrong.  
  
  
  
I decided since these pictures were doing nothing to lighten my mood that I would dump them back into the box and forget about them. Oh if real life were that easy huh? That�s when I got the incredible idea to go sit out on the roof.  
  
  
  
When I was a kid, we liked to do that, sit out on the roof of our small rented house and gaze up at the stars. I walked over and unlocked the window; luckily Brian hadn�t gotten to the ones up here yet. I�m sure that�ll change after tonight though. I climbed out of the window and almost lost my footing immediately. That would not have been cool. Luckily I was quickly able to grab onto the window ledge and settle myself down on my ass without falling to my death�good times.  
  
  
  
Now I was able to get a much better view of the guys from where I was sitting and I couldn�t help but smile when I saw Howie in the water. I knew he would give in to AJ and end up going into the pool. He was such a push over Howie was.  
  
  
  
I saw him look up my way and point. Oops, I guess my cover has been blown and did he just call me Batman?  
  
  
  
�Nick is that you?� He yelled up at me. Like who the hell else is it going to be exactly? I mean if it wasn�t me, why would he ask so calmly. �No Howie, I�m a mass murderer. I just hacked Nick to bits and thought I�d come and sit on his roof for awhile. Hope you don�t mind!�  
  
  
  
�What did you say? I can�t hear you!�  
  
  
  
Okay then�  
  
  
  
�Nick why are you on the damn roof?�  
  
  
  
�It�s pretty up here!� I made sure to scream so this way they could hear me.  
  
  
  
�Well get down before you break your neck!� Was that AJ or my momma? Wow, I think I may be a little tipsy. Hehehe  
  
  
  
That�s when I figured I�d go for it. I stood up and made my way over to the edge. It was a little high but not that high. We for the most part lived in a ranch home so we were only talking maybe about 16 feet up or so, if even? Although what the hell do I know about feet and inches? I friggin� sucked ass at math. All I knew was, it was my moment and I was going to take it.  
  
  
  
So before they could even protest, I held my breath and jumped off of the roof and into the pool.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
�Is someone sitting on the roof?� I looked up when Howie asked that incredibly random and yet very disturbing question. He asked it so calmly too. As if I always have random roof people.  
  
  
  
He was right though, there was someone sitting on the roof. �Nick is that you?� He yelled up.  
  
  
  
There was much babbling from above, neither of us could make out what he was saying but it was definitely Nick. That thought made me calm down. I know, Nick is on the roof�Nick has been troubled�I get it. But it�s still much better than saying �ermm there�s a random crazy dude on my roof, now what?� Besides I know Nick and he wasn�t out there to kill himself or anything.  
  
  
  
I yelled at him to get down before he broke his neck. The kid is accident prone to begin with and that�s when he fucking jumped off of the goddamned roof!  
  
  
  
Before either Howie or I could scream at him he landed in the water with such a huge splash I thought I was going to be flung out of the pool. I swear to God if he didn�t drown, I was going to kill him.  
  
  
  
He came up from the water and laughed. �Hey guys!� He said as he wiped at his eyes, �It is cold as shit in here.�  
  
  
  
�Way to make a grand entrance Nicky.� Howie said calmly. I swear the guy was a cucumber or one of those walking Gel ads. You know Gellin� like Magellan. That was Howie�he should be in their next commercial.  
  
  
  
�Nick what the hell were you thinking? I mean what if you missed and hit your head on the concrete?�  
  
  
  
�That would have sucked ass.� Despite my anger I laughed.  
  
  
  
�Why were you up on the roof?�  
  
  
  
He turned to Howie and shrugged, yes what a dumb question Howie. Why wouldn�t he be on the roof? Dur�  
  
  
  
�I was just up there looking through things and thought it would be fun to jump.�  
  
  
  
�Looking through things?� I asked him, kind of surprised that he even remembered how to get into the attic. That�s how often he went up there. He turned to me and smiled.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, just some stuff and shit�so, why are you in here Howie?�  
  
  
  
�He splashed me so I figured why the hell not. You feeling better?� Nick shrugged again as he back paddled away from us to grab onto the side of the pool.  
  
  
  
�I�m glad I suggested this.� He said but I suddenly wasn�t. See, when he swam past me I got a whiff of alcohol. When the hell had he been drinking?  
  
  
  
�Well, if it helps than I�m happy to.� Howie looked over at me. I think he smelled it too.  
  
  
  
�I love you both very much.� He said it out of the blue, as he so often did. I wish I could get the women in my life to profess their love to me half as much as Carter did. I�d be set for life.  
  
  
  
�Love you too buddy.� I smiled at him, yup he was definitely wasted. This alarmed me, for the first time when it came to him and drinking I became alarmed.  
  
  
  
He moved close to give me a hug but I pulled away, �What�s wrong?� He asked. Did he really think I wouldn�t be able to tell he was drunk? I used to get so wasted the smell of alcohol would come out of my pores.  
  
  
  
�You�re drunk buddy.�  
  
  
  
�No I�m not AJ.� He got defensive, this was another sign.  
  
  
  
I felt Howie�s eyes on me. I could tell he wasn�t happy I confronted Nick but I�m sorry. The guy jumped off a roof drunk. This is not a good thing. He jumped off a roof drunk and into water.  
  
  
  
�You have been drinking Nick.� Suddenly I found myself furious at him. I really had no right to get mad about it. Maybe Kevin possessed me or something but the more I thought about what he had just done, the more I wanted to smack him.  
  
  
  
�Relax AJ, it was just a beer.�  
  
  
  
�You jumped off the fucking roof!�  
  
  
  
Howie started making his way to the steps of the pool, as did I. �I wasn�t going to get hurt�relax.� I shook my head at him as I got out as well.  
  
  
  
�Nicky let�s go back inside I�m cold.� Howie softly said, hoping to egg him out of the water.  
  
  
  
�Leave him be Howie, if he wants to be an idiot and drown in the pool so be it!� I grabbed my towel and walked into the house.  
  
  
  
I turned to look out the back door as Howie went and sat along the edge of the pool. Nick was talking to him now. Probably complaining about me but I didn�t care. Nothing pissed me off more than reckless behavior and that�s what was going on now. Again, I know of all people, I should talk, but maybe my past experiences gave me even more room to feel this way.  
  
  
  
He definitely wasn�t going to like what was coming next, I thought to myself as I picked up the phone and dialed Kevin�s house.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	43. Chapter 43

****

**43  
  
  
  
Divine Intervention**

  
  
  
  
  
  
I could have stayed in this position forever. On the floor of our living room with my wife sleeping next to me, cradled in my arms as I looked up into the sky from our sunroof. This was what God had intended for me, so peaceful and tranquil. I hugged her tighter right then, smiling when I felt her naked bosom hit my chest. We had the best sex right in this very position on the floor. For some reason, the bed just didn�t cut it for us, maybe because we both liked to roll all over the place like two Weebles. Good lord did I just describe my wife and I as a pair of Weebles?  
  
  
  
I loved her and didn�t want her to leave again. I wish there was a way she could always be right here next to me. I know it was a stupidly selfish way to think but in reality what husband wouldn�t want the woman of his dreams right by his side? I admit it took me a little bit of time to realize that Kris was the woman of my dreams but once I woke up to that reality, I never looked back.  
  
  
  
I felt so much love for her right then and there I almost started to cry. I�m sentimental, deal with it. Of course that�s also when the phone rang. I quickly wiped at my eyes when she rolled over on her side, �Are you going to get it?� She asked in her half sleep.  
  
  
  
It was dark in the room as I searched for my watch. I had no idea what time it was but I hated getting calls in the middle of the night, even though I know it wasn�t really all that late at all.  
  
  
  
�Maybe I�ll just let it ring.� I said as I forced myself to sit up.  
  
  
  
�What if it�s important?�  
  
  
  
�Than they�ll call back.�  
  
  
  
�Good point.�  
  
  
  
And it was, I nodded at myself and smiled when the phone stopped after the fifth ring. Sometimes I wish I kept my answering machine on at all times but my mother trained me not to do that. She said it was rude to not pick up the phone and listen to the answering machine while you were right there. She said it was a form of deceit and she�s probably right, although she did say this way before I became famous and had random people calling her house looking for me. I�m pretty sure she has her answering machine on all the time now, but I still don�t. How ironic is that?  
  
  
  
The phone started ringing again.  
  
  
  
�Damn it!�  
  
  
  
Kris laughed, �Honey, just answer it.�  
  
  
  
�What if it�s your agent telling you that you need to leave right now!�  
  
  
  
�Like that would happen.�  
  
  
�Weirder things have happened.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, like?�  
  
  
  
�Uh, do you want to wait while I go grab my list?�  
  
  
  
I fell back down towards her and started to tickle her as the phone continued to ring in the background, �Why on earth don�t you hang up? Can you not tell we aren�t here or better yet that we don�t want to talk to you?�  
  
  
  
�I�ll get it.� Kris moved from underneath me faster than I could stop her, fully exposing her nakedness to me and God under the moonlight.  
  
  
  
When she saw me staring at her she pretended to be embarrassed and covered herself up with one of our throw pillows. �Staring is not polite Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I just can�t help it, you�re beautiful.�  
  
  
  
She winked just as she said hello and then when I heard the �oh hi AJ.� I groaned a little bit louder than she would have liked.  
  
  
  
�Yes, he�s here�hang on a second�no you didn�t interrupt anything sweetheart.�  
  
  
  
She�s too nice.  
  
  
  
She walked over and handed me the phone, �I�m going to go put some clothes on and make us a late night breakfast.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds great babe, I love you.�  
  
  
  
�Love you too.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head before turning my attention to the phone, �Hi.�  
  
  
  
�I did interrupt didn�t I?� He sounded anxious about that.  
  
  
  
�Well just a tip there Sparky, when no one answers the phone after about the tenth ring that means yes, we�re busy.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry dude.�  
  
  
  
�What�s up?� I couldn�t help but smile. These guys as much as they bugged me just had a way of cracking me up. Just like little brothers.  
  
  
  
�Well�I wasn�t going to call you but then I figured I really should because well��  
  
  
  
�AJ you�re stammering�tell me what the hell did he do now?�  
  
  
  
�Dude how did you know this was going to be about Nick?�  
  
  
  
I rubbed at my temples, why did he even have to ask me that question, �Just because�is he okay? Did something happen?�  
  
  
  
�He is drunk.�  
  
  
  
�You called me because Nick is drunk? Jesus, tell me he didn�t go out. You didn�t let him leave did you?�  
  
  
  
�No, actually Howie is here too, but dude�he jumped off the roof into the pool totally wasted and the worst part��  
  
  
  
�That�s not the worst part?� Why did I answer the phone? Oh right�I didn�t!  
  
  
  
�He was drinking in his room Kev. I mean just by himself alone in there.�  
  
  
  
�Is he okay? Did he drown?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Kevin he drowned, I thought I�d just calmly come in and make a call as he floats in the pool face down.�  
  
  
  
�You�re a real riot AJ.�  
  
  
  
�He�s okay dude. He�s in the pool splashing Howie even now as we speak.�  
  
  
  
�Does he know you called me?�  
  
  
  
�No way. What do you want me to do Kevin?� �  
  
  
  
�What do I want you to do?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I mean should I tell him to come to the phone or what should I do?�  
  
  
  
�You should make sure he doesn�t drown�I�ll be over in a little bit, okay?�  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to come over Kevin everything�s under control.�  
  
  
  
My wife made her way back into the living room, now fully dressed which was a bummer for me. �If everything is under control why did you even bother to call me?�  
  
  
  
There was silence on the other end of the line. I could actually hear AJ�s brain working out the answer to that question. �I don�t know�I think it�s just instinct dude.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at the phone, �Yeah, probably...� It was then that I looked over at my wife once more. I wasn�t sure if I wanted to leave but part of me said I almost had to, even if it was just for a little while. �Get him out of the pool and try to sober him up.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we�ll do that.�  
  
  
  
�And tell him I�m coming over there in a little bit to talk to him.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know if I want to do that.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, maybe you shouldn�t.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing, see ya in a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�And I�m sorry again for bothering you.�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh.�  
  
  
  
When I hung up the phone Kris knew instantly what I was going to say, �Nick?�  
  
  
  
I nodded, �I�m sorry Kris, you know I can always just blow him off.�  
  
  
  
�No you can�t. He needs you and besides, think of it as good practice for when we have one of our own.�  
  
  
  
�Oh God!�  
  
  
  
�At least you have the parenting a teenager thing down.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, only he�s not a teenager anymore.�  
  
  
  
�He needs you Kevin and I kind of love that about him and about you.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah? Well don�t let him know that otherwise he�ll expect a threesome some day.�  
  
  
  
She laughed and all I did was shake my head as I stood up to get dressed and go over to Nick�s place. She whistled at me and my naked butt as I walked by. I love my wife.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat on the edge of the pool and watched Nick swim back and forth. Whenever he got close to me he splashed me, in typical Nick fashion. �Come back in Hooooowieeeahhh�  
  
  
  
�Maybe in a little bit.�  
  
  
  
�Look, I speak whale�Hoooooowiiiiiieeeeeeeyyyyyyyyaaaaaahhhh.� He ducked his head under the water and then came out and spit some up in the air. I think we have already established that this child wasn�t right in the head, but I do believe the �whale speak� now makes that crystal clear.  
  
  
  
�What the hell is he doing?� AJ finally came back outside and sat down next to me.  
  
  
  
�Speaking whale apparently.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.�  
  
  
  
�AaaaaaaaaaJaaaaaahhhhh Heeeelllloooowwww.�  
  
  
  
�Dude, you�re friggin nuts.�  
  
  
  
He swam over towards us once again and I was sure we�d get splashed but surprisingly he didn�t do that, �Are you still mad at me? I knew it would be safe otherwise I wouldn�t have done it AJ.�  
  
  
  
I had to say it was kind of amusing to watch AJ in the fatherly role. I mean I was kind of surprised how he freaked out about the roof thing. Even I didn�t freak out that badly. Maybe because I was used to seeing Nick do dumb things, although AJ should be used to that too.  
  
  
  
�I�m not mad; it�s just that you could have broken your neck Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Neck Nick�Necknick�Necknickalickalicka.� Keep in mind Nick was saying this as if he had never heard those words before. He was also tilting his head back as he spoke and tried to make himself sound like a monster of some kind. Yeah I know�but he was.  
  
  
  
�Dude the scariest part of this is, you would even be doing that if you were stone cold sober.�  
  
  
  
�I am sober AJ.�  
  
  
  
He pouted as he once again swam to the other end of the pool. �I called Kevin.� He said once Nick was out of ear range.  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, instinct maybe? He was having sex with his wife.�  
  
  
  
�Nice, and he answered the phone?�  
  
  
  
�I guess they were done�although she answered the phone so maybe she was bored.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �So what did he say?�  
  
  
  
�He�s coming over.�  
  
  
  
�Uh oh�I guess I�m going to leave before that happens.�  
  
  
  
�No way, you are sticking around just incase I have to pick up dead bodies.�  
  
  
  
�Was he mad?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I mean maybe? He sounded more concerned than mad.�  
  
  
  
�What are you guys talking about?� Nick asked as he, you guessed it, splashed us both.  
  
  
  
�Just stuff.�  
  
  
  
�What kind of stuff?�  
  
  
  
�Stuff stuff�come on why don�t you get out of there and let�s eat something. I�m starving.�  
  
  
  
�So, go eat, I�m in the pool because I felt like swimming�I thought you guys were going to keep me company.�  
  
  
  
�Uh�what do you think we�re doing now?�  
  
  
  
�Being boring.�  
  
  
  
�I was doing headstands before, you missed it.�  
  
  
  
�My bad.�  
  
  
  
Sometimes I was amazed at how deep our conversations were when we all sat down and talked�not! �D, why are you laughing? What is so amusing to you?�  
  
  
  
I looked over and shook my head at the blonde, �You are.�  
  
  
  
�I am a funny little fuck aren�t I?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Nicky, a funny little fuck indeed.�  
  
  
  
�Hoooooweeeeyaaaah just saayaaaaaaaad, Foooooooooookaaaaahhhhhh!�  
  
  
  
AJ started laughing about that as well. It�s not like I don�t ever curse but compared to these two I�m sure I must seem like a saint. Not as holy as Brian but still�a saint. �Come on Nick, out of the water.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�be that way.� Nick put his hand up to AJ so he could be helped out of the water. Of course AJ would have the common sense to realize that if he took Nick�s hand he would end up in the pool, right?  
  
  
  
�Dammit!� Okay maybe not right.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you fell for that Bone!� Nick said as AJ emerged from below the surface of the water.  
  
  
  
�Yeah me either.� I said as Nick then felt inclined to hold his hand out to me�.yeah I�m so sure.  
  
  
  
�Wow, see? Even D didn�t fall for that!�  
  
  
  
�Hey!� I shook my head at Nick as he finally came out of the water with a soaking wet and annoyed AJ following behind him.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
�So tell me why you picked me up again?� I asked my cousin who seemed like a man on a mission.  
  
  
  
�Because I felt like we should all be over there talking to him.�  
  
  
  
�You really think he needs an intervention?�  
  
  
  
�Brian, I have no idea what he needs. All I know is maybe you will be able to get through to him. He tunes me out.�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Wow Kevin, I never thought I�d actually hear you say that.�  
  
  
  
�It�s true; he�s been doing it for years.� He said that as if this was a big surprise. I think the only one that would have been surprised by it was Kevin himself.  
  
  
  
�So he jumped off the roof?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Brian, how many times do I have to tell you that?�  
  
  
  
�Hey, don�t get pissy with me�I�m just trying to assess the situation so I know what I�m dealing with.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry�I�m just frustrated; I mean what if it�s AJ all over again and��  
  
  
  
�It won�t be� AJ was different.�  
  
  
  
�All AJ needed to go totally over the edge was for his grandmother to die. What if this stupid ass whore is what finally does it to Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, he�s not AJ.� I placed my hand on his shoulder for reassurance. I was amazed at how much love and concern Kevin had for all of us.  
  
  
  
�I hope you�re right.�  
  
  
  
�I am.�  
  
  
  
He rarely let people see this side of him, even the other guys. Well the two little ones anyway. Howie and I usually saw this side, the concerned Kevin, the one that doesn�t lecture but speaks through his thoughts and actions. He luckily saved the pissed lecture-ish side for the other two. I have a feeling we�ll be seeing that tonight.  
  
  
  
I was glad I got to slip out of the house tonight since Leigh�s friends were over anyway. They dropped by unannounced and I hate being the only guy in the room. Plus it took the pressure off of me having to explain to her where I was going. All I said was I�m going out with my cousin. It seemed enough of an explanation to please her.  
  
  
  
�I just want him to be okay, you know what I mean?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him as he continued, �He takes everything to the extreme, he�s like a child trapped in an adult�s body.�  
  
  
  
�We�ll talk to him, let him know we�re there and that�s all we can do Kevin, it�s not like he�s a kid anymore.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� He said but I could tell that in his mind when he pictured Nick he did see that small and innocent 14 year old boy that we all felt the need to protect all the time.  
  
  
  
�I�m going to suggest we hang out, just the two of us tomorrow night.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me and smiled. �That�s a great idea.� And that�s when I knew why I was being brought along. He wanted Nick and I to reconnect, he needed us to.  
  
  
  
�Let�s hope he does to.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he will.�  
  
  
  
I wish I was sure. Our relationship had gotten better since we all reunited but still it wasn�t exactly how it used to be, and I don�t really think it ever will be again. Those days are long gone, which is sad in a way. I know it�s sadder for him than it is for me. I had so many wonderful things in my life, what did Nick have exactly?  
  
  
  
We drove the rest of the way in silence�  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
I didn�t like how oddly quiet everyone had become since getting out of the pool and making our way inside. The three of us sat around the coffee table with a big bag of chips and salsa, eating but not saying anything. �Why are you guys so quiet?� I finally asked.  
  
  
  
They both looked at me and shrugged, �Not sure�just tired from being thrown in the pool I guess.�  
  
  
  
�J, you aren�t mad at me about that now too are you?�  
  
  
  
He rolled his eyes, �No, I�m not mad at you about anything dude.�  
  
  
  
�You are pissed I jumped off the roof.�  
  
  
  
�That was dumb.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah it was, I won�t do it again daddy, I promise.�  
  
  
  
The doorbell rang which had me looking at the clock on the wall. �Who would that be now? It�s really late.� I said, wondering if maybe Chris had unexpectedly dropped in for a visit or something but when I saw both of them look at each other, I knew instantly who was on the other side of that door.  
  
  
  
�Traitors!� I said as I shook my head and greeted Kevin�oh and Brian. Nice, I was being double teamed.  
  
  
  
�Hey there buddy, mind if we come in?�  
  
  
  
�I suppose you were just in the neighborhood?� I asked as sarcastically as possible, making sure to glare over at AJ and Howie. Not even sure why.  
  
  
  
�Something like that.� Kevin said as he barreled in past me. Brian placed his hand on my shoulder as he walked in. Whatever was going on, I didn�t much like it.  
  
  
  
They both sat down after saying their hellos to Howie and AJ and I was almost tempted to call it a night. Let the four of them play Parcheesi or something, whatever it was they had to say, I didn�t want to hear it. �I wasn�t drunk.� I found myself saying out loud. I knew that�s why they were here. Stupid AJ probably ratted me out. For as long as I�ve known him he�s been a tattle tale.  
  
  
  
�Okay, well since you�re getting right to the point�� I crossed my arms defensively in front of me as Kevin quickly took over. �Why would you jump off a roof into a pool sober or drunk for that matter?�  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe the two of you are here because of that! Good almighty Christ, it was no big deal!�  
  
  
  
�It is if you drink before you do something like that.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t drinking.�  
  
  
  
�Then what are these?� AJ asked as he pulled some empty beer cans out of his ass it seemed like.  
  
  
  
�Wow, what a great parlor trick AJ, you got anything else up your ass you want to pull out? How about a new car?� I was pissed off! First of all how dare he go into my room and go through my garbage? Second of all�how in the hell is it his business?  
  
  
  
�Nick�.�  
  
  
  
�No, don�t Nick me�I drank a few beers okay? I have had a hellish week and I know it�s not nice to drink in front of you!� Yes I was directing my anger at my roommate, �So I drank in my room.�  
  
  
  
�That�s fine, but then why deny it?� Kevin asked as if it was him I was even talking to.  
  
  
  
�Oh I don�t know, probably because I didn�t feel like dealing with a three hour lecture�my bad I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Nick we care.�  
  
  
  
I had a headache suddenly, it came out of nowhere. How in the hell did this happen? All I wanted was to just have fun and go in the pool. How did this suddenly become the world against Nick?  
  
  
  
�All I wanted was to�� And that�s when I broke down. God I HATED when I did that! I took a deep breath determined to keep going, �All I wanted was to go swimming�I�m going through hard shit right now, so I drank a few beers, so I jumped into the pool, so what? Can�t you guys just leave me be?�  
  
  
  
The only one looking at me was Brian. Everyone else had their heads down. �I�m going to bed.� I told him.  
  
  
  
I was waiting for someone to tell me not to go, but no one did so I turned and made my way to my room, where as much as I wanted to drink again, I knew I wouldn�t. I can�t believe them. I can�t believe AJ even called Kevin, God; do they trust me so little? Do they really think I�m that much of an ass? Of course they do and do you know why Nick, because you are one.  
  
  
  
I was just about to sit down on my bed when there was a knock on my door. �Here it comes.� I huffed under my breath, fully expecting to see Kevin standing there in all his righteous glory.  
  
  
  
�Can I come in?� Instead I got Brian.  
  
  
  
�Sure.�  
  
  
  
�Look Nick�.I�m sorry if it seems like everyone is ganging up on you.�  
  
  
  
�I�m a fuck up Brian.� I admitted to my old best friend just like I used to back in the day. He came all the way inside and sat on my bed.  
  
  
  
�No you�re not Nick. You�re just going through something bad right now. It�ll pass�I wanted to ask you something.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I hope you don�t think I�m being too forward and I wanted to do this on the sly so this way the others wouldn�t hear.� Oh Jesus, what now?  
  
  
  
�Okay, what is it?�  
  
  
  
�Easy there buddy, no need to sound like you�re going to chew my head off.� I guess I did sound a little standoff-ish.  
  
  
  
�I wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me tomorrow night.�  
  
  
  
What the fuck? He laughed when he saw the perplexed look on my face. I have to admit, I wasn�t expecting that one.  
  
  
  
�Well? Don�t say I left you speechless.�  
  
  
  
�Brian�are you asking me out on a date?�  
  
  
  
�Kind of...tee hee hee.� Okay and they thought I was drunk? �See the thing is, the last time we tried this, we did dinner and then you left me. I want us to spend the whole night together this time.�  
  
  
  
�Okay first you ask me out and now you�re propositioning me? That�s not a very Christian like thing to do.� I smiled at him. He managed to make me go from totally angry as all hell to actually happy? What the hell?  
  
  
  
�Yes, if you�ll have me. What do you say Frack?�  
  
  
  
�Frack? Wow you haven�t called me that in years.�  
  
  
  
�I know.� I sat down next to him.  
  
  
  
�Will Leighanne mind?�  
  
  
  
�She�s going to her parent�s house for a few days with Bay so I have the whole place to myself.�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing Brian�I�ll go out with you.�  
  
  
  
�Good, it�s a date then. Bring extra clothes this way you can just spend the night�just like old times.�  
  
  
  
I almost started crying again, I felt like at any minute stupid ass Ashton Kutcher was going to come in and tell me I was being Punk�d. He put an arm on my shoulder, �It�s going to be okay you know. Everything always works out in the end. How many times have I told you that?�  
  
  
  
�Too many.� I admitted as he tousled my hair and laughed.  
  
  
  
He stood up to leave, �If they ask, tell them I gave you a stern talking to young man. Be at my place tomorrow afternoon.�  
  
  
  
�Afternoon? A lunch date?�  
  
  
  
�An all day date.� He winked at me and left.  
  
  
  
It was so weird that still after all these years; he had the ability to make me feel like things would get better and instead of going to bed dreading tomorrow, I went to bed excited about it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	44. Chapter 44

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**44  
  
  
  
Frick and Frack are Back**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I barely slept at all last night and I blame that as well as everything else that goes wrong in my life on my new room mate. After he left to go to bed, the other guys stayed and hung out for a little while. We were curious what Brian was in there saying to him. Kevin mentioned something about the two of them hanging out and that he thought it�s exactly what Nick needed blah blah blah. What am I, chopped liver? I mean I live with the kid and we hang out almost every God damn day. Why is that not good enough for Carter but yet Brian is? And why do I sound like a jealous 13 year old girl?  
  
  
  
It�s true though, I was jealous. I mean not of Brian and Nick but of the fact that no matter what I did now, I still felt like in Kevin�s eyes especially, I wasn�t going to be able to cut it. I�m not dumb, I know it�s more of a �me� issue than what�s actually happening. My therapist and I talk about it on a constant basis. I tend to think that people still see me as a loser but then she�s quick to point out that the only person who ever saw me as a loser in the first place, was me. I usually correct her and say well me and a handful of my fans.  
  
  
  
Anyway, after Brian came out of Nick�s room all smiles, I knew that he and Nick talked about bonding again and sure enough he said the kid�s face brightened up as if he had just been told that Christmas was coming early this year. Shortly after that they all left and I sat up staring at the television in some kind of a rotten funk.  
  
  
  
I don�t have them as often as I used to, but when I do go into my funks, they tend to be bad ones. I almost went and woke Nick up because the urge to go out and do something stupid was far outweighing me letting him sleep, but luckily I didn�t have to because he came strolling out of his room at around 4 in the morning.  
  
  
  
�Why are you still up?� He asked in mid yawn as he scratched his ass. Sorry but if I have to see then you at least have to read about it.  
  
  
  
�I couldn�t sleep; I�m having a hard time tonight.�  
  
  
  
�You are?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him and took another sip of my coffee. He came and sat beside me, motioning for me to pass him a cup and the milk. �Is there anything I can do? Is it my fault? I�m really sorry AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, not everything is about you.� Yes, I know that I had just mentioned everything being his fault but I felt snippy and if you can�t snip at one of your best friends who can you snip at?  
  
  
  
�Sorry, I didn�t mean it like that.�  
  
  
  
�I know�I just get a little�you know.� I hated feeling like this. It was the same kind of feeling you get when you are so bored but yet you can�t find anyone to come out and play.  
  
  
  
�Have you called Rene?�  
  
  
  
�No, I mean I didn�t think I�d have to yet.�  
  
  
  
�Do you want to play a game of cards or something? Will that help?�  
  
  
  
I know he was trying, but I was just getting frustrated. Not even at him, more at myself. I hated when I had all these emotions and wasn�t able to actually define or explain them away.  
  
  
  
�No, maybe if I go for a walk or something.� I stood up to leave but he put a hand on my arm.  
  
  
  
�Let me come with you then. I don�t think you should go alone.�  
  
  
  
�Why? Afraid I might do something like get drunk and jump off a roof?� Yeah I was a real son of a bitch when I was in a mood like this one. This was the old me, the one that they all eventually hated. How was I this person all the time back then? No wonder I was so miserable.  
  
  
  
�I guess I deserved that.�  
  
  
  
�No you didn�t. I�m sorry Nick I wish I knew what brought these mood swings on.�  
  
  
  
�You haven�t had one of these for at least a few months.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�Talk to me man; tell me what�s on your mind.�  
  
  
  
I sat back down and faced Nick. I had forgotten about the last time this happened. I was amazed at how there for me he was. He had even cancelled plans with his girlfriend when he saw how distressed I was. Things like that I just kind of took for granted but he was a great friend. Sometimes I tend to forget that about him, thinking he�s the one that always needs all the attention in the world.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, I just feel kind of low.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�I�m not sure.�  
  
  
  
�You feel like having a drink?�  
  
  
  
�I always feel like having a drink but sometimes it�s easier to get over than others.�  
  
  
  
�AJ you are the strongest person I know. I wish I could be half as strong as you. The way you are able to stay away from all the bad stuff when I know that you want it so badly.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at him; I guess I needed to hear something like that right about now, �I�m not that strong.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah you are.� He nodded at me. All the guys always said that Nick looked up to me the most but I never believed them. When he did stuff like this though, I kind of saw it myself. Why on earth would he look up to me?  
  
  
  
�I appreciate that Nicky, you are too you know.�  
  
  
  
�Right, sure I am. That�s why I had the Kevin posse here tonight, because everyone thinks I�m so strong.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at the Kevin posse and then realized the way I was feeling was very similar to the way Nick felt. Good lord sometimes it scared me when I realized how much the two of us really had in common. Thank God my feet didn�t stink like his did though.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry I called him, I was just concerned.�  
  
  
  
�I knew it was you!� He gave me a disgusted look. �At first I thought it might have been Howie but, you just had a guilty look on your face.� He stood up and grabbed the Hershey�s syrup out of the fridge, pouring a huge plop of it into his milk before putting it back�opened and blobby of course. Now it�ll forever be stuck opened because God forbid he take a second and clean off the excess chocolate. Oh my God�Mom get out of my head!  
  
  
  
�I was just concerned that�s all.� I answered him after my mother�s brief possession of my body.  
  
  
  
�I thought you got it, I know they don�t get it�but I thought you did.�  
  
  
  
�I do, that�s why I called Kevin.�  
  
  
  
He sat down and chugged his milk of course ending with a huge burp and a pat to his chest. �Why do we call Kevin all the time? I mean what did that even accomplish tonight besides putting both of us in a bad mood?�  
  
  
  
Now that was a good question, which I didn�t have an answer to so I just kind of shrugged, �Hell if I know. I think he just kind of trained us like one of those dogs.�  
  
  
  
�Oh yeah I know what you�re talking about um�what the fuck is the name of it?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know dude�something that starts with a P.�  
  
  
  
�Penguin?�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him, �Yeah that�s it�penguin dogs. Dude do you just say the first thing that pops in your head all the time?�  
  
  
  
�Uh�yeah?� I laughed at him as I drank some more coffee. My urge was going away as was the funk. Maybe I owe that to Carter, pfft! I will never admit that to anyone, ever!  
  
  
  
�Why are you up so early?� I asked him.  
  
  
  
�You�ll laugh.�  
  
  
  
�Probably, but tell me anyway.�  
  
  
  
�I was too excited to sleep.� And he was right, I did laugh.  
  
  
  
�Awe, that�s absolutely adorable Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Shut the hell up.�  
  
  
  
�It is.� I winked at him to drive home that point and he answered with a roll of the eyes.  
  
  
  
�I think I�m going to go take a shower now.�  
  
  
  
�So this way you can be all clean for your play date?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�� he stood up and walked out of the kitchen but then quickly turned around and came back. �Are you going to be okay?�  
  
  
  
I nodded and smiled at him, �Yeah man�thanks.�  
  
  
  
And I did feel like I was going to be okay again, thank God. Maybe it�s just because I realized I was getting my place all to myself�kidding, I love the little shit�sometimes.  
  
  
  
�Oh�Pavlov!� I screamed out hoping he would have heard me, but if he did, he didn�t say anything. Maybe he�ll use it as a cuss word just because I said it and we all know how much he looks up to me.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~~*~

  
  
  
  
I looked at my watch wondering if I was being stood up again. True it was only around 8 in the morning but I just had that feeling. At any minute I was going to get a call from Nick with some kind of lame excuse as to why he was going to blow me off today.  
  
  
  
�Who am I kidding? He�s not even up yet!� I shook my head and buried another ball into the basket.  
  
  
  
When my family was gone, I never knew what to do with myself exactly. It�s times like this, I knew how Kevin felt. He was two different people. The him with Kris was a much happier, relaxed Kevin. The Kevin without his wife was the one that nobody enjoyed hanging around with for long periods of time. I�m probably the same way when Leigh and Baylee are gone. I feel like a lost little puppy dog with the whole day ahead of me and nothing to do.  
  
  
  
I woke up so early this morning, just because now it�s routine and when I went to go occupy my time, which usually consists of my son and I wrestling around on the ground, I was at a loss. �Maybe Nick will let me wrestle him.� I couldn�t help but laugh at that. That image brought back a lot of memories. I held the basketball in my hand and lightly began to bounce it, thinking back to the time when Nick and I were inseparable. Actually he was pretty much glued to me, I just kind of put up with it.  
  
  
  
He made it almost a ritual of jumping on my bed as soon as he woke up every morning. Even on those few occasions when he didn�t wander into my room to sleep. That didn�t happen very often. He pretty much always found an excuse to spend the night in my room. We all knew it was because he hated being alone but he would never admit to that. He came up with all these extravagant excuses. My favorite had to be when he said that his bathroom tub overflowed and now everything was electrified. What the heck? Didn�t he realize we would be able to check that one out?  
  
  
  
It was cute though, just like him when he was so tiny. We all kind of just smiled and played along back then. Well, almost all of us. AJ was always quick to point out that Nick was nothing more than a giant, wussy scaredy cat. Of course this was coming from a boy who screamed like a girl whenever he saw a spider.  
  
  
  
It�ll be nice hanging out with Nick today. I know it�ll sound weird of me to say this, but I�m actually kind of excited about it. What I don�t want is uncomfortable silence because that would suck.  
  
  
  
I really do wish I had more time to spend with him because I know he needs it. When we used to hang out like best buddies did, he was so innocent to all the crap that went on. I wish I could rewind back to that time for him. The time when being a bad ass meant staying up all night long eating Cheetos and hoping our management never found out about it.  
  
  
  
I aimed and shot the ball into the basket. �Wow, I�m really good.�  
  
  
  
Just then his car pulled into my driveway. I looked down at my watch and smiled, automatically knowing that meant he was as excited as I was. �I�m not being blown off, excellent.�  
  
  
  
He stopped, jumped out of the car and motioned for me to throw him the ball as he pulled his bag out of the trunk. �You were going to play without me?�  
  
  
  
�I was just trying to get in some last minute practice; you know I�m kind of rusty.� I lied to him. I am the God of basketball we all know this�everyone except Nick who seems to live under the delusion that he is the best player in the world. He�s actually second best because I�m the one that taught him.  
  
  
  
�I am too.� He caught the ball one handed, very impressive and then ran past me with his bag hanging on his shoulder and did a lay up.  
  
  
  
I shook my head at him. Nicky always the show off, or should I say always waiting for me to praise him. �Good shot Nickolas Gene!�  
  
  
  
�I hate when you call me that.�  
  
  
  
�That is your God given name is it not?�  
  
  
  
�Well, yeah�but still�you know I hate it.�  
  
  
  
�That�s why I do it Nicky Gene!� I walked over and squeezed his cheeks. �You hungry?�  
  
  
  
�Depends, are you cooking?�  
  
  
  
�Right�um, I was thinking cereal.�  
  
  
  
�Sounds good to me.� He tossed me the ball and of course always one to be a show off myself, I threw it one handed from a pretty far distance and it went in. I rule the courts ladies and gentleman.  
  
  
  
�Show off!� He murmured under his breath.  
  
  
  
I winked at him as I led him inside. He placed his bag down on the floor and sat down at our huge table. �So, how long is the family gone?�  
  
  
  
�For a few days. Baylee really wanted to see grandma and grandpa.�  
  
  
  
�Are you lost without them here?� I nodded at him throwing him a plastic bowl which of course he missed.  
  
  
  
�It�s a good thing I went for the plastic.�  
  
  
  
�Oh please, if it was breakable I would have caught it.�  
  
  
  
�So you meant to drop my bowl on the floor?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up!�  
  
  
  
�What kind of cereal would you like buddy?�  
  
  
  
�What kind do you have?�  
  
  
  
�Lot�s.�  
  
  
  
�Anything of the unhealthy, laced with sugar variety?�  
  
  
  
�Of course�.we call that my private stash.� I crouched down into the cabinet under the sink and pulled out my Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs. Nick thought that was extremely amusing.  
  
  
  
�Does your wife know about this stash of yours?�  
  
  
  
�Perhaps�.perhaps not.� I handed him the Lucky Charms knowing those were his favorite. Actually I bought them just for him when I found out he was going to be coming over. Don�t tell him that though.  
  
  
  
�Thanks for inviting me over Brian.�  
  
  
  
�I�m glad I did.� I sat down across from him and smiled. It felt so natural, just like in the good old days.  
  
  
  
�We used to live off of this stuff, remember?�  
  
  
  
�Yup and I still do live off this stuff.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, me too I guess.�  
  
  
  
He seemed pensive at first, before he put his spoon into his cereal. I wish I knew what was going through his head. Way back in the day I would know just by looking at him and if I couldn�t I would just ask but now, it�s all gotten so much more complicated. At least he was here though, so as far as I�m concerned that�s a good start.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
We laid on the floor in Brian�s living room playing Nintendo old school. Leighanne made him pack up all of his video games after they got married and as hard as he said he tried to find them, this was all he could salvage from the basement. I didn�t particularly believe him. I have a feeling he threw everything away or has it saved in Georgia somewhere for Baylee when he gets old enough to appreciate the fun that is killing random monsters and things. For now though, here we were playing Super Mario Brothers.  
  
  
  
�Why do I always have to be Luigi?�  
  
  
  
�Because it�s my game.�  
  
  
  
�Even when it was MY game you got to be Mario.�  
  
  
  
�Sometimes life isn�t fair Nicky Gene.�  
  
  
  
�I swear if you call me that one more time��  
  
  
  
He laughed and then put the game on pause. I put my game controller down and sat up realizing my legs were asleep from being in that position for as long as we were. �What time is it?� I asked him as he stood up and stretched.  
  
  
  
�Looks like it�s around 2.�  
  
  
  
�Holy shit! Wow no wonder I can�t feel my ass!�  
  
  
  
�I guess we got carried away.�  
  
  
  
�No kidding. Wow B�I haven�t played video games in a long time.�  
  
  
  
�Seriously?� He looked so surprised as if he thought when we all weren�t together I was in my room doing this 24/7 just like I used to when I was a kid.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�I think it�s been over a year since I even looked at one of these things.� I held up my controller and yawned. �I just kind of found different types of things to occupy my time nowadays.�  
  
  
  
He plopped down on the couch and motioned for me to follow which I did and wow, my feet were asleep as well. I hate pins and needles!!  
  
  
  
�Like what?�  
  
  
  
�Drugs�hard drugs.� I just wanted to see his reaction to that and when he shook his head at me, I was kind of relieved. I know if I said that to Kevin he would have had ten heart attacks and one seizure for good measure because I�m sure Kevin would believe I was on drugs. Not Brian though, he knew me better.  
  
  
  
�Be serious Nickolas Nickelby.�  
  
  
  
�Just stuff�I don�t know, I guess I outgrew video games when I worked on my first album. Now I just hang out.�  
  
  
  
�You�re addicted to your Sidekick though.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I am.�  
  
  
  
�It took Mario�s place. Poor Mario.� He bowed his head and I burst out laughing. I�m not sure why he always cracks me up the way he does, but he just has this way about him.  
  
  
  
I plopped down right beside him and have no idea why, but I felt compelled to put my head on his shoulder. As soon as it happened I got embarrassed. I can�t believe I did that, I guess it was just force of habit.  
  
  
  
I pulled away very quickly and he gave me an odd look, I�m such an idiot! �Sorry.�  
  
  
  
�About what?�  
  
  
  
�That.�  
  
  
  
�You used to do that all the time, why are you apologizing now?�  
  
  
  
I shrugged, �I don�t know�I guess�I don�t know.�  
  
  
  
He laughed at me, �Nick�I miss that little guy. The one that used to hang all over me as if I was made of honey.�  
  
  
  
�What the hell? Honey?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�you know like sticky honey.�  
  
  
  
�I know what honey is Brian.�  
  
  
  
�Are you sure? You look confused.�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes at him but then smirked. I couldn�t help it, when it came to Brian I just couldn�t keep a straight face. �I�m not confused.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�just checking Sparky.�  
  
  
  
�I miss that little guy too sometimes.� I admitted to him, suddenly feeling melancholy for the old me.  
  
  
  
He gave me a small smile, �You can be him when you�re with me you know. I won�t tell anyone.�  
  
  
  
Suddenly I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was kind of like getting permission to be me. I haven�t felt like I could be me in a long time. I don�t even really know who this �me� person is. �Thanks Brian.� I put my head back onto his shoulder again.  
  
  
  
�It took me a long time to figure out who I was too you know.�  
  
  
  
I kept my head on his shoulder as he talked. �Really? I thought you always knew exactly who you were.�  
  
  
  
�No way Jose. I mean I had a general idea but you kind of grow and learn. You know you�ve been in this band Nicky for more than half your life�it�s all you�ve ever known. I�m sure it�s hard to find an identity away from that�but you will.�  
  
  
  
�I hope you�re right because I�m getting kind of tired of fucking up all the time.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t MESS up all the time kiddo.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah I do�I think your cousin is ready to throw me off a balcony.�  
  
  
  
�If he was, don�t you think he would have done it by now? Besides�we need you. Good lord what would we do without the cute blonde one?�  
  
  
  
�THOSE days are long gone Brian�I�m not the one cute blonde anymore, I�m the one with the hair!�  
  
  
  
I giggled as he pushed me off his shoulder. �Yeah okay smartass!�  
  
  
  
�I missed you Frick.�  
  
  
  
He reached over and grabbed me, pulling me down close to his lap as he tousled my hair. �I missed you too Frack.�  
  
  
  
I think it was the first time in about four years that I actually felt like the me I used to enjoy being. It was a great feeling and one that I didn�t want to ever end.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	45. Chapter 45

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**45  
  
  
  
The Midnight Adventures of Nick and Brian**

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Do you remember the time when we snuck out of the hotel room and went to go get donuts?�  
  
  
  
I looked up from my position on the floor and nodded at Nick. He continued when he saw I had his attention, �Way back in 95 or so?�  
  
  
  
�We got into so much trouble for that!� I answered him. He seemed delighted I remembered what he was talking about. I don�t know how he could think I would forget that.  
  
  
  
Nick laughed, �No kidding! I remember my mother calling me up and bitching me out for about an hour.�  
  
  
  
�Well, we wouldn�t have gotten caught if you hadn�t forgotten to take the key with you!�  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you are still blaming me for that!�  
  
  
  
�Why wouldn�t I? It was all your fault Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Why on earth would you even have entrusted me with the key in the first place? You had to have realized I would have forgotten it.�  
  
  
  
�Duh, if I thought you were going to forget it, I would have brought mine with me.�  
  
  
  
�That�s when they gave us all a curfew.�  
  
  
  
�And when Kevin decided that we shouldn�t room together anymore.� I shook my head again just remembering the hell of that night. It was probably one of the only times that I got into as much trouble as Nick did. Who would have thought an innocent trek to Dunkin Donuts would have resulted in such mayhem, but it really did. That�s when I knew we were probably a little more famous than I gave us credit for. �Why did you even bring that up?� I asked him as he sat Indian style across from me crunching on some Potato chips.  
  
  
  
�I was just remembering that last part you said.�  
  
  
  
�The Kevin part?�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �I think that night was the first time I ever spent all alone in a hotel room.�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh, I think I was like 15 or something that�s young to be alone in a hotel room.�  
  
  
  
�Wasn�t your uncle out with us?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah but he wasn�t around. I had a panic attack that night.�  
  
  
  
I bit at my bottom lip, a habit I thought I had broken but apparently I was wrong�unless Nick brought it out in me. I used to do it all the time when I knew we were going to end up doing something that would result in him getting into trouble. I always felt bad about that. No matter what the two of us did, he would be the one to suffer the consequences. He never ratted me out, ever.  
  
  
  
�You never told me that before�was it bad?�  
  
  
  
�I thought I was having a heart attack.�  
  
  
  
�I�m surprised you didn�t call me.�  
  
  
  
�Your phone was busy. I thought you hated me and took your phone off the hook�I spent the night locked in the bathroom and slept in the tub.�  
  
  
  
I didn�t mean to, but I busted out laughing, just picturing this scrawny little kid freaking out and sleeping in the tub cradled around a pillow in a fetal position. He always slept in a fetal position. Poor kid, seriously.  
  
  
  
�You never told me any of that before.�  
  
  
  
�Because I knew you�d make fun of me and looks like I was right� jerk!� He pouted but then quickly smirked at me.  
  
  
  
�If I recall I ended up rooming with you the next night.�  
  
  
  
�Yup, I ended up getting my way.�  
  
  
  
�Actually I think it�s because Kevin knew he�d end up having to room with you.�  
  
  
  
�Yup, well whatever works I say.�  
  
  
  
I motioned for him to throw me the bag of chips to which he did and they landed right in front of me spilling out all over the floor. I felt like a teenager again, it was liberating really. I just shrugged off the mess which seemed to please Nickolas Gene greatly. �Wow if Leigh was here would she be flipping out?�  
  
  
  
�Not really�� I lied. I mean she wouldn�t have been flipping out about the mess. She would have been flipping out about everything else, including me playing Nintendo until all hours of the night with Nick and eating chips way past midnight�which it was by the way.  
  
  
  
�AJ would, I swear he�s worse than a wife!�  
  
  
  
�Are you kidding me? He�s as much of a pig as you are.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not a pig; I�ve gotten better in my old age.�  
  
  
  
�I�ve been to your place Nick�you guys are a mess!�  
  
  
  
�I think we should prank him, you want to?� The look on his face made me laugh. It was that same young, innocent look he always had when he thought he came up with the best plan in the universe.  
  
  
  
�He�ll know it�s us.�  
  
  
  
�How?�  
  
  
  
�Caller ID for one nimrod!�  
  
  
  
�We can go call from a payphone!�  
  
  
  
�You want us to go out in the middle of the night just to look for a payphone so we can prank Bone, who most likely won�t even pick up the phone anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�that sounds about right.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head but was it bad that a small part of me actually wanted to do it? I haven�t done anything like that in such a long time. I�ve turned into a pretty boring person, following the same routine almost all the time. I even pooped at the same time every single night and yes I did just say poop. I do not like the word shit, it sounds stinky.  
  
  
  
�Hello? Brian?� I looked at him as he fanned his hand in front of my eyes.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�You zoned out on me little buddy.�  
  
  
  
�Who am I Gilligan? I�m not your little buddy. I�m older than you.�  
  
  
  
�You are obsessed with age Brian, have I ever told you that?�  
  
  
  
�About a thousand times.�  
  
  
  
�So, you want to do this or what?�  
  
  
  
�Nick�why on earth?�  
  
  
  
�Oh come on Bri�when was the last time we went on an adventure?�  
  
  
  
He was staring up at me with those puppy dog eyes. He used to do that to me all the time when he was little. Well he used to do it to all of us but it was really only Howie and I it ever worked on. �Holy Shmoly, I can�t believe I�m going to do this!�  
  
  
  
�Yes! You are the shit�erm�I mean poop Brian!�  
  
  
  
�Shut up! If anyone finds out about this Carter your ass is grass!�  
  
  
  
�You mean if Leigh finds out about this?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�You�re only going out to use a phone Brian, it�s not like we�re going to hold up a convenience store�unless��  
  
  
  
�Enough doofo�let me go get dressed!� he smiled at me and moved his feet out of the way so I could pass him. I can�t believe I was going out just to prank AJ.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Lalalalala I touch myself�..lalalalalalaaaaaaaa I touch myself�.lalalalallaallaaaa I touch myself. Something or other�I touch myself! I friggin love that song and what I friggin love even more than that friggin song is actually having my house to myself again. I have forgotten how nice it is to have the place all to myself. I mean when Nick was with Paris I had this place to myself all the time but it�s been awhile since I�ve been able to just hang out naked in my living room without worrying that he is going to walk in with his posse. Yes, Nick has a posse. It�s not a big one or anything. I mean P Diddy wouldn�t be jealous but still, he �rolled� with some people when he went out on the town and sometimes those people would �roll� in here. And yes I�m using �roll� to sound cool.  
  
  
  
After Nick left, I did decide to call Rene. He came over and we grilled out and just had the best talk. He�s really a great guy, I�m so glad that fate brought us together. I know it sucks that addiction had to be involved but sometimes you never know why exactly people come into your life.  
  
  
  
He always has a way of not only making me feel better about things but also putting me in a great mood so by the time he left I was all smiles and have been that way for the rest of the night.  
  
  
  
The only problem is I was having trouble sleeping again. I hate insomnia, it sucks! I�m not sure why it is I can�t sleep, I mean my mind wanders a lot in the dark but still I�m really tired and would just love to be able to doze off. Thank God for South Park DVDs�see what you�re missing Carter?  
  
  
  
I decided to lay back and let Cartman and company sing me to sleep. Yes I opted to forgo the usual seasons and go for the musical instead. Just as I closed my eyes, the phone rang, at friggin 2 o�clock in the morning. Not that 2 is late really, I mean sometimes we aren�t even ready to go out until around 2. Howie is probably just getting himself to a club somewhere right now. Maybe it was Howie? I decided to let it ring, if it was important they�d leave a message.  
  
  
  
�Hello�*deep breathing* this is the taco maaaaan.�  
  
  
  
What the fuck? I sat up and shook my head as he continued, �Do you want a burrrritoh *deep breathing* I�m the taco maaaaaan.�  
  
  
  
Of course he started giggling because Nick can�t do anything without cracking himself up and stupid me, I decided to pick up the phone but he hung up before I had a chance. �Damn, so he ditched Rok and went and got himself piss drunk again? Nice one!� I was disgusted! Not enough to make the mistake of calling Kevin again, but disgusted all the same.  
  
  
  
The phone rang again; I picked it up to more heavy breathing. �Nick what are you doing?�  
  
  
  
�Do you have any pepper? I want to borrow some pepper.� Of course there was more giggling and whispers of pass me the phone. How old are we twelve?  
  
  
  
�Nick who the hell is with you?�  
  
  
  
�I do not know of this Nick you talk about. I am Pepito�and I want some pepper!�  
  
  
  
�Nick you are a retardo and I�m hanging upo!�  
  
  
  
�But wait�um�do you like bananas?�  
  
  
  
More laughing and this time I was sure. Before I wasn�t, maybe I just didn�t believe it but now there was no doubt in my mind. �Rok? What the heck?�  
  
  
  
*more giggling and whispering*  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe the two of you fucking called me at 2 in the morning! I can�t believe you are pranking me Brian!�  
  
  
  
Now the giggles turned into full on laughter. Good lord why am I surrounded by such idiots! Do you see what I have to put up with? Then people wonder why I drank so much! I found myself laughing too though�God Damnit! I hated when they did this to me!  
  
  
  
�Guys what the hell are you doing? Are you both on crack?�  
  
  
  
�I�m Chiquita Banana and I�m here to say�if you want a banana the Chiquita way��  
  
  
  
�Okay you both have far too much time on your hands!� I shook my head and tried my best not to sound as amused as I was. Good lord when was the last time Brian did anything like this? I really couldn�t recall.  
  
  
  
�Where are you calling from dinkus?� I asked, trying to sound annoyed yet unaffected by this prank call.  
  
  
  
�A pay phone.�  
  
  
  
�What?� There were more giggles in the background. I was talking to Brian now at least trying to in-between the incessant, �let me talk to him�I want to talk to him,� interruptions by Carter.  
  
  
  
�Shut up Nick� uh yeah we�re at a pay phone.�  
  
  
  
�Where?�  
  
  
  
�On some corner somewhere.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�Are you going to ask me all the W questions?�  
  
  
  
�I�m just trying to get a better idea of where I have to send the padded wagon. I can�t believe you pranked me Brian!�  
  
  
  
�It was Nick�s idea; I just kind of went along with it.�  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe that!�  
  
  
  
�Why not?� Still I heard Nick giggling and asking for the phone in the background.  
  
  
  
�Because��  
  
  
  
�I always used to do this Boner!�  
  
  
  
�I know but that was a long time ago!�  
  
  
  
�Tell him we have to go, I need a Slurpee!� I laughed again. I felt like this call catapulted me back to the early days of our band.  
  
  
  
�I need to go AJ, Nick wants a Slurpee.�  
  
  
  
�So I heard, although I thought he was Pepito.�  
  
  
  
�I am Pepito!� He screamed into the phone. It scared me more that he was stone cold sober than it would have if he was drunk.  
  
  
  
Brian started laughing, �Okay I better get Pepito a Slurpee, sorry to call so late. We didn�t wake you did we?�  
  
  
  
�Nah, I was up.�  
  
  
  
�Okay see you tomorrow�adios. Say Adios Pepito!�  
  
  
  
�Adios Pepito ahahahahaha�� And then the phone clicked.  
  
  
  
I shook my head for a few seconds and then started singing my song again.  
  
  
  
Lalalalalalalaaaa I touch myself�.lalalalalalalaaaaaaah�..  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh my God that was the best thing ever! It was totally worth going out, just to hear the confusion in Bone�s voice. Hahahahaha we got him good! I looked over at Brian with pride. I can�t believe he actually went along with me. I almost felt like this was too good to be true and that any minute he�d say I was being Punk�d.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe I let you talk me into this.�  
  
  
  
I wrapped him in a huge hug, �I can�t believe it either�now will you buy me a Slurpee?�  
  
  
  
�Man and I have to even buy the junk food?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him and gave him my sad face. Poor Brian was always buying me things back in the day. It was like I was his son or something, and I loved that. It was so nice to be able to be a kid when he was around. God is it gay of me to say that I don�t want this night to end? This has been one of the greatest days ever!  
  
  
  
We walked into the store and laughed when we heard ourselves blaring through the radio by the cash register. The bridge for I Want it that Way had just come on and the two of us started singing to it and dancing around. We were the only people in the store so it�s like no one would even care. I�m sure the guy who was working thought we were lunatics but he was nowhere to be found either.  
  
  
  
�Nick�have I ever told you that you are my fire?�  
  
  
  
�Am I your one desire?�  
  
  
  
�Why yes my little kitten�you are.�  
  
  
  
�We should call Kevin and start singing this song on his answering machine.�  
  
  
  
�You are on your own for that one Nickolas Gene!� I laughed as Brian handed me a cup to make my Slurpee in.  
  
  
  
�One day you�ll be brave enough to prank your cousin dude.�  
  
  
  
�No I will not!�  
  
  
  
We made our way over to the counter and still there was no one there. �Where the hell is he?� I asked as I looked around. �This is a friggin 7/11, isn�t he scared someone will come in and steal something?�  
  
  
  
Just then the phone started to ring at the counter. �He�ll be out to answer it in a minute.� Brian said as he chewed on his straw. I was ready to just bail personally and if I was with anyone else I probably would have, meaning take my Slurpee and run. �Hey Nick��  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�I dare you to answer the phone.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I dare you to pick up the phone.�  
  
  
  
He had that evil look on his face, I hated when he did stuff like this. �Are you serious?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah��  
  
  
  
I looked around the store one more time and then picked up the phone to which Brian started laughing uncontrollably. �Hello?�  
  
  
  
Of course just then the clerk decided to come out of hiding. �What the hell are you doing?� He screamed as he came from the storage room.  
  
�I was just answering your phone�� I stuttered through my explanation which had Brian laughing even harder.  
  
  
  
�Get out of this store before I call the police!� The guy was screaming at me and actually hit my arm, the one that was holding the phone.  
  
  
  
�But I��  
  
  
  
�Get out!�  
  
  
  
�We have Slurpees!� I sounded so pathetic but I couldn�t help it. I was laughing too which I�m sure didn�t help my cause any.  
  
  
  
�Get out!� He said once more, so I put my Slurpee down next to Brian�s and put my hands up in the air as a gesture of peace and then left the store.  
  
  
  
�I can�t believe you answered the phone Nick!� Brian was almost hyperventilating as he was talking.  
  
  
  
�You dared me to do that!�  
  
  
  
�I know but still�Jesus�I swear you are just like a little kid! I love you!� He grabbed my cheeks and gave me a hug.  
  
  
  
�You realize I�ll never be able to show my face in that place ever again. He�ll probably have Wanted posters up all over the freezer section.�  
  
  
  
Brian didn�t respond, he just kept laughing his ass off at me.  
  
  
  
�And I still want a Slurpee�aaaaand he hit me! I was abused by an angry twelve year old clerk at 7/11.� I rubbed at my injured arm to make my point but Brian was still laughing. I mean tears were coming out of the guy�s eyes. He has to get out more!  
  
  
  
�We can go to another one if you want, but this time maybe you should wait in the car.� He finally stopped laughing and pat my head as we walked to his car.  
  
  
  
�I�m surprised he didn�t chase after us with a baseball bat.�  
  
  
  
I was still fixated on the angry, crazy guy behind the register to notice that Brian had stopped laughing and was now staring at me. �Nick?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at him as he unlocked the door for us, �Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�I just wanted to say thanks. I can�t even remember when the last time I laughed that hard was.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to thank Me Brian, I should be thanking you. You made me forget about all the drama for the day.�  
  
  
  
�I missed you Nick, I missed acting like a goofball with you.�  
  
  
  
�Well, let�s do this more often then, okay?� I wanted to cry, I have been waiting to hear that for so long now. Good lord I�m such a wuss.  
  
  
  
He placed his arm around me as he shut his car door, �Sounds good to me buddy.�  
  
  
  
�Hey, I know for a fact there�s a 7/11 right by Howie�s place. Maybe we can swing by there and put a flaming bag of pooh on his porch!�  
  
  
  
Brian smiled at me, �Or we can go to Taco Bell and grab some Burritos and leave them on AJ�s doorstep!�  
  
  
  
�Oooh yes! Let�s do that! But as long as I get to eat one of them.�  
  
  
  
�It�s a deal.�  
  
  
  
�Then can we leave the bag of pooh?�  
  
  
  
�No Nick, no pooh tonight!�  
  
  
  
�How about toilet papering Kevin�s house?�  
  
  
  
�No Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Ordering 2 dozen pizzas?�  
  
  
  
�Maybe 3 dozen�� He answered as we laughed and drove around town being Frick and Frack again after all these years.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	46. Chapter 46

****

**46  
  
  
  
Paging Doctor Kevin!**

  
  
  
  
Well things have certainly been interesting over the last month or so. Leave it to my four band mates to always keep things interesting. I have to admit I was scared for a little bit there, that we wouldn�t recover from all the stupid Paris talk. To say she made things for Nick as hard as possible was a complete understatement.  
  
  
  
Because she is so sly and sneaky she managed to basically have him convicted of hitting her without ever actually coming out and saying he did anything. She had her friends do all the dirty work. They went to every single tabloid imaginable and said the meanest things about him.  
  
  
  
Magazines portrayed him as this bad tempered, jerk and not much was said in his defense. Kevin told him to maintain his cool and not say anything but even I was tempted after reading some of this garbage, to want to comment on it. And I�m well mannered Howie D! Can you imagine how hard this was for Nick who is nothing even close to well mannered?  
  
  
  
He did a good job though; really I was proud of him. He stayed away from anywhere that even sold trashy magazines. He always said no comment when randomly stopped on the street by people asking if he hit her. He never once said anything derogatory about her to the press or anyone in the public, just that he used to love her and made a mistake.  
  
  
  
His favorite answer for the bruises, �The people, who know me and love me, know I would never do that.� And still people didn�t take that as a definite yes or no answer. That went on so routine the first few weeks after all of this happened that it was wearing us all down.  
  
  
  
I would come home from the studio, when we finally got ourselves back there, and would collapse on my bed with a huge whooping migraine. All I could think was how horrible this was going to be when we were doing press for the new album. All people would ask about is this now, instead of the music we tried so hard to write.  
  
  
  
I am so proud of this album, well how it�s turning out anyway. We�re almost done with recording the songs we like and now it�s just a matter of picking the best ones. I think we created something special here, something we are all proud of. We want this to work so badly for us and now all people will care about are Nick and Paris.  
  
  
  
I felt bad for being annoyed at him, but I was and still am. If he thought with his upstairs brain a little more than his downstairs brain, he wouldn�t get himself into these situations in the first place.  
  
  
  
Speaking of the devil, in he came with his Starbucks coffee mug and a donut�scratch that, make it two donuts. When he saw me he came right up to me and kissed my cheek. He left behind sticky donut residue!  
  
  
  
�Eww!�  
  
  
  
�You know you love it Howie.�  
  
  
  
�I really do not Nickolas.�  
  
  
  
�Right�how goes it?� He asked me as I wiped his gook off my cheek. Okay that sounded horribly bad but you know what I mean? I�m not gay at all so don�t even let your mind go there. When I said gook I meant donut powdery stuff!  
  
  
  
�D?�  
  
  
  
�Oh sorry�good�you�re the second person here believe it or not.�  
  
  
  
�Wow, why are we here again?�  
  
  
  
�It was Kevin�s idea; he thought we could all stand to get into shape. Well a shape besides round. So, today my young friend�we dance.� We were meeting at a dance studio that a good friend of mine owned. I haven�t been in one of these in a long time and I admit when I walked in, flashbacks of a time long ago came running back. Fatima yelling at us, frustrated because no matter how hard we tried, we couldn�t get the moves down the way she wanted us to.  
  
  
  
�I think it�s funny he wanted us here but his ass isn�t here yet.�  
  
  
  
I stood up and stretched my back out. I was getting stiff in my old age and if we were going to try this dancing, getting into shape thing again I needed to get a head start. Of course when he heard my back crack he laughed at me.  
  
  
  
�You know what I think is funny? The fact that you came to a dance rehearsal with donuts and a coffee.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll finish it before he gets here.� Nick shoved the rest of the donut into his mouth and then guzzled some coffee to help him swallow it, smiling wide at me as he did it. He�s such a dink, really.  
  
  
  
�You went out with Brian again last night huh?�  
  
  
  
He came over and plopped himself down on the hard floor, stretching his legs out in a �v� but that�s as much as he did. Silly of me to think he was actually going to try to do something productive, like stretch.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we went to dinner and then played some basketball.�  
  
  
  
�Seems like you guys are hanging out a lot these days.�  
  
  
  
�We are� it�s cool! I missed my Brian.�  
  
  
  
I smiled at that because I knew how true it was. When I had heard, well actually witnessed those two hanging out again, even though it was because they decided to order a stripper gram for me, I still was happy to know that Frick and Frack were back. And of course I got a lap dance out of the deal. Poor Kevin wasn�t quite as lucky. He got a guy dressed as a tree.  
  
  
  
It�s funny what people will dress as to make some money huh?  
  
  
  
�Did you wreak havoc on anyone? Every time you guys get together something happens.�  
  
  
  
�Nope, actually we were very well behaved. Leighanne was home so we couldn�t have any fun. I think she�s a bigger party pooper than Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Excuse me? Did you just call me a party pooper?�  
  
  
  
Kevin walked in with his workout clothes on, complete with huge gym bag which he threw down as he made his way inside. �Uh�no, that was Howie. I was just about to tell him that you are the funnest guy on the planet.�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh�Howie I never knew you could disguise your voice so well. You sounded exactly like Nick.�  
  
  
  
�I guess I�m just talented like that.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I guess so�where�s Brian and AJ? They�re late!�  
  
  
  
�So are you.� I pointed to my watch and laughed at him.  
  
  
  
�I was here; I was just on the phone in my car.�  
  
  
  
�No clue where they are.�  
  
  
  
�Nickolas, tell me you didn�t stop at Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks on the way here!�  
  
  
  
�I did not stop at either place Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Then why the bags?�  
  
  
  
�I refuse to answer any further questions unless my lawyer is present.�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh�well you better not vomit after putting that stuff in your system and trying to exercise it out.�  
  
  
  
�It�s not a demon.�  
  
  
  
I loved the ridiculous conversations that the two of them had. Both always felt like they had to get the last word in and would try their hardest to make that happen. In the end, Nick always won, even if he finished with a burp or a fart. To him, they counted as the last word.  
  
  
  
�No it�s not�you are.�  
  
  
  
�Pardon me?�  
  
  
  
�You heard me.�  
  
  
  
�Nope I did not.�  
  
  
  
�Yes you did.�  
  
  
  
�Nope, I didn�t otherwise I wouldn�t have said pardon me��  
  
  
  
See what I mean?  
  
  
  
�I said you�re an idiot.�  
  
  
  
�No you didn�t�  
  
  
  
�Okay how would you know that if you really didn�t hear me?�  
  
  
  
�I just know.�  
  
  
  
�Oh you do, huh?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
Kevin let out a sigh and of course Nick let out a louder one. I looked at the door hoping I�d be saved by someone and sure enough shortly after AJ came waltzing in. He�s not sane or anything but I�ll take it.  
  
  
  
�Why didn�t the two of you come here together, I mean you do live with each other.� Kevin said tapping at his watch.  
  
  
  
�Good morning to you too Kevin and just because we live together doesn�t mean we�re married. I had stuff to do.�  
  
  
  
�Do you know where Brian is?�  
  
  
  
�Outside talking on the phone.�  
  
  
  
�Oh?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, he told me to tell you guys he�d be in shortly.�  
  
  
  
�So looks like the gang is all here finally.� I yawned as I said that, feeling like I was ready for a nap. I�m sure that is probably not a good way to feel especially since we�ll be exercising or dancing soon. Think they would notice if I curled into a ball and slept under a table somewhere?  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I looked at the boys one by one just as my cousin managed to run in and sit down. �Sorry I�m late!� He said, running right past me and plopping down in between Nick and AJ, giving them both a high five as he did so.  
  
  
  
�I thought it would be a good idea if we started getting ourselves into shape again.�  
  
  
  
�Yup, we got that, but are you going to be doing this? Did you hire a yoga instructor?�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes at Nick. Seemed like he was in rare form today. �Actually no, I thought we could just maybe do some of our old routines as practice, you know Backstreet�s Back and All I have to Give.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t remember that far back.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, come on it�s like second nature. I�m sure once we start it�ll all come back to you.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know about that Kev�I saw Howie walking into a closet thinking it was a bathroom the other day.�  
  
  
  
�Well at least I manage to stay in my house while answering phones without falling out of windows.�  
  
  
  
�Why do you always have to bring that up?�  
  
  
  
�Dude, you fell out of a damn window answering a phone. Who wouldn�t bring that up every chance they got?�  
  
  
  
AJ had a point and I guess Nick agreed because he just shrugged and finally shut up! Hallelujah!  
  
  
  
�Anyway�I just thought we should try to really get back in shape, you know like what we discussed when we all first got here. Remember back at the hotel?�  
  
  
  
�Oh God, don�t remind me.�  
  
  
  
�Having crappy van memories AJ?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up Rok.�  
  
  
  
�Guys stop interrupting me! God�will you all ever outgrow that?�  
  
  
  
Ever since I have known them, they have been like that. Always interrupting me and never allowing me to get to my point. They like to blame it on the fact that I talk slow, although I have no idea what that�s even supposed to mean. It�s actually just because between the lot of them, minus Howie, they have about a fifteen minute attention span.  
  
  
  
�What the heck is that thing?� Nick asked pointing at some random stain on the wall, �It kind of looks like Godzilla. Dude you should tell your friend that she should charge people to come and see the Godzilla on her wall. Like how people do that with Mother Teresa.�  
  
  
  
�Dude there�s a big difference between a holy image and Godzilla.�  
  
  
  
Did I say fifteen minutes? I actually meant fifteen seconds!  
  
  
  
�That looks more like The Lochness monster than Godzilla.�  
  
  
  
�And how do you now what the Lochness monster looks like Brian?�  
  
  
  
�I have my connections Nickolas Gene.�  
  
  
  
�Gah! I hate when you call me that!�  
  
  
  
�He knows!� The other three boneheads said in unison as I just stood there staring at my watch, patiently waiting to make my point.  
  
  
  
�You�re all ganging up on me again.�  
  
  
  
�Quit acting like a baby Nick.�  
  
  
  
�Shut up!�  
  
  
  
�Anyway�.what were you saying Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Howie�I was saying, that we need to get ourselves in shape.�  
  
  
  
�I think we are fine like we are.�  
  
  
  
�Says the chubby, lazy, donut eating one!�  
  
  
  
�Hey!�  
  
  
  
�Nick, when was the last time you worked out?�  
  
  
  
�Uh��  
  
  
  
�That�s my point. If we are going to do this touring thing again, hell if we are even going to start promo, we are going to need to be able to handle the stress of no free time and hectic schedules again.�  
  
  
  
�And working out will help because?�  
  
  
  
�Because we won�t be so tired. Seriously I bet none of us can get through three dances in a row without wanting to collapse and die at this point!�  
  
  
  
�If we do, what will we win?� I knew my cousin was going to take that as a dare. He�s so damn competitive.  
  
  
  
�A life time of you telling me that I was wrong and you were right.�  
  
  
  
�I do that anyway.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, but this time it�ll be for real and not some kind of delusion.�  
  
  
  
�Listen to Kevin with his crap talk. Are you going to take that from him Brian?�  
  
  
  
�Whoa are we about to have a dance off like we�re in the middle of a really bad musical or worse yet, stuck there with Britney and Justin?�  
  
  
  
AJ and Nick high fived at their own stupid jokes while my cousin bit at his bottom lip. For a second I really thought he was going to challenge me to a dance off. As ridiculous as that sounds, but luckily he just shrugged. �Yeah, you�re probably right. I doubt any of us can do it.�  
  
  
  
�So let�s just try to slowly get ourselves back to where we were when we stopped after Black and Blue.�  
  
  
  
I looked at them all and nodded, hoping I wouldn�t be met with too much resistance. I know besides me and sometimes Brian, no one else really much enjoyed the thought of working out.  
  
  
  
�And I also think that should include our food intake.� I looked at Nick directly for that last comment.  
  
  
  
�Why are you looking at me?�  
  
  
  
I pointed over to the Dunkin Donuts bag, which I figured was enough of a statement. �Fine.� He rolled his eyes at me and I smiled.  
  
  
  
�I still don�t know if we should do any dancing on this tour, I mean seriously you guys might break a hip or two!�  
  
  
  
�Look who�s talking. AJ you are younger than us but you�re trapped in like an 80 year old�s body.�  
  
  
  
�Who bets AJ is going to hurt himself the second we start touring?� All hands went up at Brian�s question, including my own.  
  
  
  
�Shut up, I�m not that bad guys!�  
  
  
  
�Yeah you are Bone, admit it. You�re like one big walking disaster.�  
  
  
  
�Like you should talk Carter at least I have never fallen out a window!�  
  
  
  
�Ugh, the window thing again? Try some originality for a change!�  
  
  
  
�Why are we fighting?�  
  
  
  
�Because Kevin wants us to get in shape Howie�God keep up!�  
  
  
  
I just stood there and tried my hardest not to laugh as they all continued to bicker at one another. Finally when there was a lull in the fighting I went and put on the CD player. �Are we ready to try this then?�  
  
  
  
I asked just as Larger Than Life came on. �Oh God�not that one! That one is going to kill me!� Nick whined.  
  
  
  
�Stop whining Nickolas Gene.�  
  
  
  
�Stop calling me that!�  
  
  
  
�Nope, never!�  
  
  
  
�And I�m not whining.�  
  
  
  
�Of course you are�.now when you guys are ready.� I was just about to pause the CD player and have us start over when I heard the all too familiar�  
  
  
  
�AHH!�  
  
  
  
I turned and there was AJ, down on the ground holding his ankle. �What happened?�  
  
  
  
�I think I twisted my ankle.�  
  
  
  
�How? All you were doing was standing still!�  
  
  
  
�Dude�I don�t know but it friggin hurts like a bitch!�  
  
  
  
�How in the hell?�  
  
  
  
�I kicked the wall by mistake.�  
  
  
  
�Jesus Christ!�  
  
  
  
�Good thing no one bet huh?� Howie asked as he examined Bone�s bones.  
  
  
  
�He did that on purpose so he wouldn�t have to dance.�  
  
  
  
�And you�re upset because you didn�t think of it first huh?� Brian asked Nick as he placed a hand on his shoulder.  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�He�s okay�I think you�ll live AJ.� Howie pat AJ�s leg as he gently moved his rolled up pant leg back down.  
  
  
  
�Guess we�re done working out for the day then, huh?�  
  
  
  
�We didn�t even move Carter.�  
  
  
  
�I know and that saddens me greatly.�  
  
  
  
�You know, you guys can still dance without me.� AJ said that with a huge smile on his face, just to piss off Nick, but I got a kick out of it.  
  
  
  
�How about we take a break first�all this almost dancing has worn me out!�  
  
  
  
I shook my head at my cousin who made sure to wink at me. Good lord how are we going to do this all over again? Why are we going to do this all over again?  
  
  
  
  
  
�Let�s just do this dance first and then we can have our break.�  
  
  
  
�We don�t need a break, well unless you do old man. Some of us are still young and flexible.� Nick passed me suddenly and took a place directly in front of the mirror.  
  
  
  
�You are so weird.� I said shaking my head at him as we danced to Larger than Life.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	47. Chapter 47

****

**47  
  
  
  
From one boy�s eyes�**

  
  
  
  
For the love of all that�s holy, would someone kill me please and take me out of this misery? Every damn muscle in my body aches and is pulsating. My butt is pulsing as if it�s a clock. It feels kind of cool in a freaky way, but still, it hurts like hell!  
  
  
  
Kevin is the devil!  
  
  
  
�Nick what the hell are you doing?�  
  
  
  
AH! Oops. �Um�.nothing.�  
  
  
  
�Yes you did!�  
  
  
  
�Dude, I think he just made horns and hissed at you�but I could be mistaken.� I shook my head at AJ, who was sitting on the floor pretending to be hurt. Hurt my ass�he�s totally fine. I bet I�ll catch him outside later pogo sticking or something.  
  
  
  
�I thought I heard a hissing sound. I figured maybe his ass exploded or something.�  
  
  
  
They all cracked up at Kevin�s crappy joke. Ha ha ha really funny�.he�s a real comedian that one. Good lord I think I�m going to die right now. I decided to fall to the floor a bit over dramatically to make my point. What? Sometimes you have to do what is necessary to make your point.  
  
  
  
�See, maybe if you didn�t eat doughnuts for breakfast every morning you�d be able to stand up for more than ten minutes without falling over Chubby.� And here comes the nicknames. You know, I hate when Kevin does this. Seriously, I�ve had weight issues my entire life. I know I�m a big guy, there�s no need to be mean about it.  
  
  
  
�That was mean.� I answered as Brian extended a hand to help me off the ground.  
  
  
  
�It�s called tough love kiddo.�  
  
  
  
�Some call it love, others call it verbal abuse.�  
  
  
  
�Oh stop it.�  
  
  
  
I crossed my arms in front of me, �I did fine��  
  
  
  
�I think we all did considering how long it�s been.� Howie finished my sentence because he probably sensed an oncoming fight between me and bushy brows. He sounded out of breath and ready to fall too but Kevin wouldn�t ever call him chubby would he? No�only me. Okay so what if Howie is barely 150 pounds soaking wet, he was still out of shape, so there!  
  
  
  
�We did do well, but we should be able to do better so starting today I�m cracking down on us.�  
  
  
  
�Oh joy,� Said the gimpy one on the floor. Next he�ll fake a tongue injury that will only enable him to eat ice cream or something.  
  
  
  
�Kevin��  
  
  
  
�Nicky�we need to do this, so starting today no fast food or sweets for you either. Got it?�  
  
  
  
�You are not the boss of me!� Oh my God, did I just say that? What am I like 15 or something?  
  
  
  
Brian let out a huge laugh; I could tell he was just thinking the same thing. �I�m not the boss of you but I�ll kick your ass just the same.� Ooookay then, healthy food it is. Seriously, when Kevin was in this frame of mind I was not about to argue with him. Damn him!  
  
  
  
�Don�t call me Chubby�I hate when people call me fat or chubby.�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me and pat my back. �I won�t Nick, sorry about that. I know it bothers you, I was just in the moment and sometimes I can be a little bit intense.�  
  
  
  
�You think?� That was me being sarcastic.  
  
  
  
�I just want this to go perfect, you know? We have to do everything right this time around.�  
  
  
  
�We will Kevin, you worry too much sometimes.� I nodded at Brian, he was right. Kevin did worry too much and all the time!  
  
  
  
�Maybe, but I just think it�s important we all go into this thing both physically and mentally ready. It�s been a long time guys.�  
  
  
  
We all nodded at him as slowly, the rest of my band mates began to drop down to the floor. Once they were down, he joined us. But of course only half squatting because he�s Kevin. �I can�t believe it�s all finally going to happen again. It seemed like it would never get here but now here it is.�  
  
  
  
�I know dude�what�s weird is this feels like the first time for me.� We all looked over at AJ. Well almost everyone. I have to admit I looked at him for a second but then grimaced in pain and started rubbing at my leg.  
  
  
  
�How so?� Howie asked him.  
  
  
  
�Well, all the other times we have done this I was out of it, you know?�  
  
  
  
�Every single time?�  
  
  
  
�Okay maybe not every single time, but enough to not remember what it�s like.�  
  
  
  
I thought about what AJ had said and in that moment, it was so odd but I just kind of had a revelation. It was like; wow�we are actually going through with this. I have to say I never thought I�d see this day come. I had my doubts about us getting back together and doing this thing again. At first I didn�t want it to happen at all, and then I wanted it to happen so badly I almost wanted to cry when everyone kept putting it off.  
  
  
  
We did it, we came back and made another album and for what it�s worth, I think it�s a great one. �What�s going on in your head?�  
  
  
  
I looked up to notice them all staring at me. �Huh?�  
  
  
  
�You�re just sitting there with a dumbfounded look on your face.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, I was just thinking about how happy I am that we�re all together again, that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�That was sweet Nickolas Gene.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Brian.�  
  
  
  
�So no more fast food or junk food for the time being okay guys? I�m really serious about this. Let�s try to stay healthy for as long as possible.�  
  
  
  
�Food has nothing to do with health.� Why did I just say that? Maybe I just wanted a Kevin lecture?  
  
  
  
�You did not just say that did you?�  
  
  
  
�No, I did not.� Thanks for letting me redeem myself Howard, I owe you one.  
  
  
  
�Nick, you tend to get sick so easily buddy and it�s because you don�t exercise or take care of yourself the way you should. Eating properly is all a part of that.�  
  
  
  
I let out a huge sigh�probably bigger than I should have. Tonight was �let�s revert back to being fifteen� night for me. �Duh, I know that Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�So, does that mean that you don�t care then? Because I know I care and I shouldn�t care more about you than you do.� Oh my God�I am having flashbacks!  
  
  
  
�I do care Kevin but I am indifferent I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, we know that. But you need to NOT be indifferent Nick, seriously because when you�re sick you eventually get us all sick. It�s a sick cycle.�  
  
  
  
�A sick cycle? I swear to God you sit up late at night trying to come up with new and inventive terms to feed in to your anal ness.�  
  
  
  
We were greatly amusing the other three guys who just sat there silently, looking at the floor we were all sitting on and trying their hardest not to laugh. �I am going to be watching you like a hawk Nick Carter!�  
  
  
  
I rolled my eyes at him, �Kevin�I�ugh, never mind I�m too tired to argue.�  
  
  
  
�You wouldn�t be if you were more in shape.�  
  
  
  
He stood up and patted the back of his sweaty ass neck with a smug look on his face. He thought he had won this round but he was wrong. I was only letting him think he had the last word. �So are we done for the day then because I told Leigh I�d be meeting up with her for dinner.�  
  
  
  
�I hope you�re going somewhere healthy Howie otherwise doctor Kevin will get on your case.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t have to get on Howie�s case, he takes care of himself.�  
  
  
  
Ugh! Why was it whenever Kevin was in a foul mood, I was the subject of his ridicule? And yes, he was in a foul mood. I think we all kind of picked up on it eventually. �What�s eating your ass anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Pardon?� He was now sipping on water as he placed his sweaty towel neatly on the chair next to him.  
  
  
  
�You seem annoyed.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not annoyed.�  
  
  
  
�Then you are a crotchety old man, one or the other.�  
  
  
  
�I was fine until you all started whining about exercising.�  
  
  
  
�All of us?� Ha! It�s about time someone else said something.  
  
  
  
�Sorry Brian, I wasn�t talking about you or Howie or AJ.� Oh okay, so that leaves me then. Jerk.  
  
  
  
�AJ didn�t have time to complain before he hurt himself.�  
  
  
  
�Hey!� AJ gave me a look as if he was annoyed I was bringing him into this weird argument we were having. Why were we even HAVING an argument in the first place?  
  
  
  
�I�m done.� I said standing up and groaning from the stupid muscle aches I was feeling. �I�m going home and taking a hot bath and going to bed!�  
  
  
  
�It�s not even dark out Nick.� Brian laughed as he said that but at this point I was beyond finding anything amusing. Yes, that�s right Nickolas Gene Carter was now in his very own mood. Thanks a bunch Kevin!  
  
  
  
�I don�t care�I�m out of here. Night guys, I�ll see you tomorrow.� I waved at them all as I passed by but only gave Kevin a look. He mirrored it right back at me.  
  
  
  
As I walked out the door and towards my car, I got to thinking about things. Maybe that�s a mistake� me and thinking don�t always get along as famously as we should, but then again most of the best decisions in my life have ever come around because of actually thinking about them first. My thinking was this�Kevin is a bossy, know it all jerk. It was a simple thought, one that didn�t take up much space in my gray matter but still it was one I felt the need to verbalize to my steering wheel as I started up my car.  
  
  
  
�Kevin is a bossy, know it all jerk!� Yup, just like that. Not sure why that made me feel better but it did, because I managed to get the last word in! Yes it does count, even if no one else is in the room or in my case, the car.  
  
  
  
My legs were so sore that I found myself rubbing them to keep them from cramping up on me while I was driving. Maybe Kevin was right, I was out of shape. I mean I�m still a kid, right? I shouldn�t be this tired and exhausted after only doing a few dance routines. Dammit! I sighed and let out my breath and I thought about things. Maybe starting tomorrow I�d go the extra mile and sign myself up at one of the gyms in the area. I mean why not? If nothing else, the shocked look on Kevin�s face would make it all worthwhile.  
  
  
  
�Why does what Kevin think still mean so much to you dumbass?�  
  
  
  
�I wish I knew.�  
  
  
  
�I mean it�s always been that way with you, ever since you met the guy.�  
  
  
  
�I know!� And yes, I am having a conversation with myself and yes I�m having it out loud. In LA everyone talks to themselves. I blend in without looking insane. Besides phones are so tiny these days, I could very well be talking on a teeny tiny phone.  
  
  
  
�Speaking of phones�� Yup I said that out loud too as I reached next to me to grab my phone. I forgot to tell AJ something, I only hope that he isn�t still with the rest of them. I turned the corner and dialed my roommate�s number. I knew it by heart which was kind of surprising since I suck at numbers. I don�t even know my own number.  
  
  
  
He answered on the first ring. �Dude.�  
  
  
  
�Dude.�  
  
  
  
�Hey�  
  
  
  
�Hey.� We were men of few words.  
  
  
  
�Sup?�  
  
  
  
�Are you alone?�  
  
  
  
�Uh huh, everyone is gone. I�m on my way to Katie�s.�  
  
  
  
�Okay�hey I was wondering if�� I stopped myself when I noticed a car following me from a short distance. Every time I turned, he turned and it was frankly freaking me out.  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I think I�m being followed.�  
  
  
  
�You were wondering if you were being followed? You thought I�d be able to help you with this?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up�no I mean�dude, I�m totally being followed!�  
  
  
  
�By a car?�  
  
  
  
�By a car? What kind of stupid ass question is that?�  
  
  
  
�I�m just asking�for all I know you mean a 14 year old on roller blades.�  
  
  
  
�Dude�I�m being serious here!� And I was, I turned another corner and started heading up a hill�a totally random one and this car was still right on my tail!  
  
  
  
�Is it paparazzi? Do they have cameras?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, let me stop the car and ask them!�  
  
  
  
�Enough with the attitude Carter, I�m just trying to help here!�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know what to do.� I was panicking now, this guy was coming at me in a weird �I�m going to kill you� sneaky way. One of his headlights was even out. How much creepier can you get?  
  
  
  
�What do you want me to do?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know dude�maybe call the police.�  
  
  
  
�And tell them what?�  
  
  
  
�That I�m on a road and there�s a car behind me.�  
  
  
  
�Nick, you want me to call the police and tell them you are on a road and that there�s a car behind you? Isn�t that what roads are for?�  
  
  
  
�AHH! AJ take me seriously! He just turned a corner on me again! He�s totally following me!� Any calm I was feeling was now gone and I think Bone finally realized that.  
  
  
  
�Can you see him? Is it a him? Is there more than one person?�  
  
  
  
�I can�t tell! One of his headlights is out.�  
  
  
  
�That�s never a good sign.�  
  
  
  
�What the hell is that supposed to mean?�  
  
  
  
�Uh� nothing�never mind. Dude you need to get yourself to a lighted area like a highway or something. Are you by a highway?�  
  
  
  
�NO idea.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t even friggin tell me you�re lost Nick!�  
  
  
  
�Stop yelling at me AJ!�  
  
  
  
�I�m not yelling!�  
  
  
  
�Yes you are!�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry�but I�m not calm anymore!�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God I�m going to die aren�t I?�  
  
  
  
�There�s a good possibility!�  
  
  
  
�What!?!�  
  
  
  
�You have to get off that road!�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know how!�  
  
  
  
�Well figure out how!�  
  
  
  
�There�s another turn�� I was going really fast by this time and I careened around the corner so quickly I thought I was going to tumble the car off the road. Luckily, that did not happen, although the car behind me kept following me!  
  
  
  
�NICK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?�  
  
  
  
I managed to get control of the car again and was just about to answer him as I drove under an overpass. That meant I was by a highway. Hooray! �I�m okay AJ�sorry about that!�  
  
  
  
All I heard was static on the other end. Our conversation was disconnected. As I went to dial him again the phone rang, �Hey sorry about that!�  
  
  
  
�Sorry about what?� It was Kevin�great! Luckily though, he was breaking up too.  
  
  
  
�Kevin this is kind of a bad time�I�m being followed!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�I�m being followed, I�m in my car and being followed by a crazy person who probably wants to make me a sex slave of some kind�so I�m going to have to call you back.�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean you�re being followed? I lost you, where are you?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know where I am!! I am currently trying to lose a stalker and I think I did. Woohoo!� I managed to lose him! I knew it was daring of me to take that corner but it worked, I am awesome! I should work for the FBI or something because I am the best at this stuff seriously!  
  
  
  
�Someone is following you? Is that why you are driving like a maniac?�  
  
  
  
I need to make some kind of driving manual for celebrities trying to lose stalkers. Between this and the time I was with Paris, I could make a fortune. I mean�what the hell did he just say?  
  
  
  
�Why did you ask me if I was driving like a maniac?�  
  
  
  
�Because you were!�  
  
  
  
�How did you know that?�  
  
  
  
�Because I have been trying to catch up with you for the last 20 minutes and you have been driving like a friggin� psycho on speed!�  
  
  
  
�You what now?�  
  
  
  
�Nick is someone following you or not?� He was sounding frantic and he was making me nervous again so I looked behind and once again I saw the damn car!  
  
  
  
�AHH! Yes there he is again!�  
  
  
  
�Where? I don�t see anyone.�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean you don�t see anyone�do you have a damn video camera in my car or something? Are you afraid I�m going to hit a Taco Bell while you�re not looking?�  
  
  
  
�Nick what the hell are you talking about?�  
  
  
  
�What are YOU talking about?� He was giving me a headache and there still was the question of the car following me. At this point I was ready to surrender. Maybe my stalker would let me take a nice warm bath before he put me in his basement. Oh my God, I�m such an idiot! �Kevin!�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Are you driving a car with one of your headlights out?�  
  
  
  
�Yes.�  
  
  
  
For the love of all that�s holy�That�s when I pulled off to the side of the road, wishing I had my tire iron in the front seat with me. �I am hanging up on you now.� I said clicking off the phone and trying to will my heart to slow down.  
  
  
  
My phone rang instantly, why won�t these people leave me alone? �Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Nick?�  
  
  
  
�Hey Brian�what�s up?�  
  
  
  
�What�s up? WHAT�S UP?!?�  
  
  
  
�Uh...yeah, what�s up?� Why was everyone so weird?  
  
  
  
�Well for one AJ called me frantically telling me you were being chased by a serial killer and that he called the police when he couldn�t get in touch with you!�  
  
  
  
�Oh�oops.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah big oops buddy�so mind telling me what�s going on exactly? Although I�m going to call AJ right now before he has a nervous breakdown.�  
  
  
  
Just then there was a knock on my window which made me jump about ten feet off the ground. �It was a misunderstanding�I�ll call you right back Bri�tell AJ I�m okay.�  
  
  
  
He laughed, but I could tell it was more a sigh of relief than anything else so I had to add, �Thanks for looking out for me Bro.�  
  
  
  
�No problem, everything is okay Nick? You sure? You�re not being held at gunpoint right now are you? If you are, say the world lima bean and I�ll call for help.�  
  
  
  
�I am fine��  
  
  
  
�Okay.� I hung up with Brian and then got out of the car where Kevin was standing there waiting for me.  
  
  
  
�Why were you following me Kevin? You gave me a heart attack! Actually ten heart attacks.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, I�m sorry buddy. You thought I was the one following you?�  
  
  
  
�Uh�you were following me.�  
  
  
  
�You were driving like a maniac Nick, I thought you were going to roll your damn car! You have to be more careful!�  
  
  
  
�I thought I was being followed by a maniac Kevin�well I guess I was being followed by a maniac!�  
  
  
  
�You left your wallet at the dance studio. I figured you�d need it and AJ said he wasn�t going straight home.� He handed me my wallet.  
  
  
  
�Thanks but you could have called me to tell me that.�  
  
  
  
�I tried but you were on the other line.� Oops! I really have to stop ignoring my call waiting�seriously.  
  
  
  
�I was talking to AJ.� I said with my head looking down towards the ground.  
  
  
  
�I also wanted to say I�m sorry for picking on you today.� Okay, that made me look up. When he saw my eyes, he continued, �I had a fight with Kris and I took it out on you. I�m really sorry about that. I know it bothers you when we call you names. You�re not fat.�  
  
  
  
All the anger I felt suddenly went away. �Is everything okay with you and Kris?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�I mean it was just stupid things and well I tend to always take it out on you.� Wow!  
  
  
  
�That�s okay, I am sorry for acting the way I did too.�  
  
  
  
He placed his hand on my shoulder, �Don�t do that, this time you did nothing wrong. I know that�s a rarity�for now enjoy the moment.� Yes I am aware he just dissed me, but the fact that he was telling me he was in the total wrong outweighed that!  
  
  
  
�Okay�but I do want to thank you for this, I would have been frantically looking for it later on.�  
  
  
  
�You mean when you would go to the drive thru at Mickey D�s?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�wait! No�I mean��  
  
  
  
He laughed at me, �Come on�I�ll buy you some ice cream.�  
  
  
  
�What about the diet?�  
  
  
  
�It can start tomorrow!�  
  
  
  
�Can I have a sundae?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�but don�t tell anybody.� He said as he pulled me into a hug and walked over to the passenger side of my car.  
  
  
  
�Oh by the way Kev�the police might be pulling us over.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�Long story�you sure your car will be okay just sitting here in the middle of nowhere?�  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded. He�s a funny guy that Kevin. The most anal person I know but yet he doesn�t mind randomly abandoning his car just so he could go buy me ice cream. �I would rather be in the car with you so I can smack you if you start driving like a lunatic again.�  
  
  
  
Okay�there�s the Kevin I know! I nodded and grabbed my phone to see I had eight messages waiting for me. I giggled, �Oh these should be good.� I said as I dialed�  
  
  
  
 _�It�s Kevin�I�m behind you buddy�pull over so I can give you something and Oh my God! Why are you driving like you are wearing a blindfold�you aren�t wearing a blindfold are you?�_  
  
  
  
Now it was AJ�s turn� _�NICK where are you? What happened why aren�t you picking up your phone! NICK?�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God are you being molested? NICK PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!�  
  
  
  
�THAT�S IT I�M CALLING THE POLICE�  
  
  
  
�NICK!!�_  
  
  
  
Howie� _�Nick, why did AJ just call me and tell me you were being molested by a guy with only one taillight? Please call me!�_  
  
  
  
AJ again� _�Nick I just called the police!! Why are you not picking up your phone? That�s it I�m calling Kevin!�_  
  
  
  
Why does he always call Kevin?  
  
  
  
AJ once more� _�AHH Kevin isn�t answering his phone either! What is wrong with you people? I�m calling Brian!�_  
  
  
  
�Why are you laughing?� I looked over at Kevin and smiled at him.  
  
  
  
�I love you guys�� Was all I said as we drove to get me my ice cream!  
  
  



	48. Chapter 48

****

**48  
  
  
  
The Corner Deli Eye Rolls have it!**

  
  
  
  
At first it was endearing, the whole Kevin looking out for us and making sure we stayed on track health wise and all, thing. I even agreed with him. I noticed it was actually working on Nick and that alone made me smile. For the first time in his entire life I saw the boy order a plate of vegetables as a meal. I almost choked on my water. In that way, Kevin�s diet and exercise plan was working wonders. It got old though and relatively quickly.  
  
  
  
Now, I�m kind of health conscious myself. I mean I�m not like �I have to drink weird lemon grass and soy or anything� health conscious and I hardly work out as much as I should, but still I know when to say when. I lay off sweets and most greasy foods although I am a fan of the spicy stuff and alcohol. But when Kevin started in on even me, I knew that by the time we actually started touring, I might have to go a bit �Puerto Rican� on his ass! I mean that in the most loving way.  
  
  
  
I can�t help it when I get like this though; it�s a well hidden secret. I�m not sure how we even manage to hide it from fans, but I become almost psychotic right before a big launch of any kind happens, whether it is a tour, or a new album. I lose it for a few minutes�or days�okay more like days.  
  
  
  
Of course I get all kinds of crap for it. Especially from Nick and AJ who insist that no matter what I do, I never get in trouble for it, and okay, they�d be right, but still�I do get my fair share of crap and believe it or not today was turning into one of those pick on Howie D days.  
  
  
  
�Are you listening to me Howie?� See what I mean?  
  
  
  
I turned to Kevin just in time to see him roll his eyes at me. �Don�t roll your eyes at me Kev�I�m not a child!�  
  
  
  
�I know that, sorry. It was a general eye roll.� What the hell is a general eye roll? Does he roll his eyes that much that he feels the need to categorize them now? And wow that�s something Nicky would say.  
  
  
  
�Tell me again why we have to do this interview?�  
  
  
  
�I knew you weren�t listening to me.� He actually rolled his eyes at me again! But he was right, I had zoned out in the meeting. I had a lot on my mind, and all the agenda talk was becoming a bit overwhelming for me. I started to freak out when I saw our schedule laid out before us. It�s been a long time since I�ve seen an itinerary like this. I�d gotten very comfortable with the way things have been for the last few years. I did a lot during that time; don�t get me wrong, but there were usually long gaps in between my busy weeks and my not so busy weeks.  
  
  
  
There were no gaps in this schedule at all. Once we started it seemed like we were never ever going to stop.  
  
  
  
�I just don�t see the point. Aren�t they always rude to us? They never really play our stuff and when they do, they diss it.� I was talking about some radio station that for whatever reason Johnny had scheduled an interview for. He had scheduled lots of radio interviews of which I knew Paris would be the main subject.  
  
  
  
�Because it�s publicity Howie. You know as well as any of us, how important it is for us to get ourselves out there again. We�ve been gone a long time. Music has changed. We have to give the kids a reason to want to care again.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, that�s fine.� I let out a huge sigh and rubbed at my temples. A headache was starting to form right behind my eyes. I think Kevin took that as a sign to walk away. Of course right as he did, someone else decided to make an appearance.  
  
  
  
�Howie�s losing it.� When I got like this, I tried my best to distance myself from Nicky. I wish he would be able to take that hint. He never did though.  
  
  
  
�I�m not losing anything.� And of course I only make it worse by talking to him.  
  
  
  
�Yeah you are, I see it in your eyes man. You�re on the verge of losing it.�  
  
  
  
�If he is, you�re probably not helping.� Thanks AJ!  
  
  
  
�Yeah you�re probably right.� Nick said as he walked over to me and gave me a big, wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek. �I love you maaan.� I want to run him over. Can I run him over?  
  
  
  
�Nick, get off of me!� I brushed him away to which he giggled like a little school girl. Damn him�he always cracks me up with that infectious giggle of his.  
  
  
  
�Okay guys, I need to go�but I�ll be back later. Don�t miss me too much.� He waved as he trotted away.  
  
  
  
I forgot he had something else to do today. That�s kind of good though, because like I said before, on days when I�m feeling like this�Nicky isn�t a good person to be around. I guess I still love him though�when he�s not driving me crazy.  
  
  
  
�You got any plans for lunch D?�  
  
  
  
�Nope.�  
  
  
  
�You want to go grab some before we have to be back here?�  
  
  
  
I looked at AJ and smiled, �Sure.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent, let me go pee and then we�ll go. You want to drive?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah sure, why not.� I volunteered because AJ drives like a maniac.  
  
  
  
�Howie.� What does everyone want with me? I am going to change my name to Hugo. Nobody ever yells out for a Hugo.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?� Now it was Kevin�again, and surprisingly keeping his eyes in one place and not allowing them to roll back in his head.  
  
  
  
�No carbs!� For the love of God!  
  
  
  
I just nodded and smiled at him, �Yeah Kev�I know.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t really meaning you either��  
  
  
  
�I�ll make sure AJ doesn�t have a potato sandwich.�  
  
  
  
He laughed and I guess I have to work on my sarcasm.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I need a new skull cap. This one is about as warn out as it can get without it actually becoming a part of my actual skull. I get into these trends, like getting tattoos, or polishing my nails, buying skull caps etc�and seems like once I start I can�t stop. I guess that�s all part of having an addictive personality. I can�t let things go, I need to take everything over the top.  
  
  
  
It�s just the way I am I guess, whether that�s a good thing or a bad thing. Okay I know it�s a bad thing but that�s a good thing, right? That I know it�s a bad thing?  
  
  
  
Screw this; I need a new skull cap. I took my old one off and flung it into the garbage can. I guess that�s the impulsive side of my personality coming out. I�m impulsive and addictive. What a great combination of social inadequacies!  
  
  
  
By the time I walked out of the bathroom, Howie was not looking amused. He�s in one of his moods. It doesn�t happen often with the D-man but right when we are about to start really working our asses off, he gets a little neurotic. It should be entertaining. We kind of sound like a start to a really stupid joke, so a compulsive, addictive but yet recovering alcoholic and a neurotic Puerto Rican walk into a bar�  
  
  
  
�I thought you fell in.�  
  
  
  
�Sorry I was having hair issues.�  
  
  
  
�You mean like you realizing you don�t have any?� Okay yes, that was Sweet D talking ladies and gentlemen. Sweet my ass! Why is it that when he acts like a butthole, either me or Nick are the only two people to ever witness it?  
  
  
  
�Ha friggin haha�you got me.�  
  
  
  
�You kind of just walked into that one. Don�t go blaming me for that.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I suppose you�re right.� When Howard was in one of these moods it was best to just agree with him. Otherwise he could kick my ass if he wanted to, not that he would do that but damn�trust me on this one. �So where do you want to go? How long do we have?�  
  
  
  
He looked at his watch, �Kevin said an hour, and what Kevin says goes.� He rolled his eyes which made me crack up. �What?� He asked, still rolling his eyes which further just made me smile. Howie just looked silly doing that for some reason. It fit Kevin like a glove and I swear Nick was born rolling his, but for Howie, it just seemed so unnatural.  
  
  
  
�Nothing dude�just relax.�  
  
  
  
�I am relaxed.�  
  
  
  
�No Howie, you so are NOT.�  
  
  
  
�Whatever�where do you want to go?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t care man, but if we only have an hour, it should be somewhere fast and close.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin told me not to let you have carbs.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, because I might gain enough weight to fit into men�s sized clothing?� Okay that did the trick, I made him laugh. Sure it was at my expense but that�s okay. It was much needed.  
  
  
  
�We can always go to the corner deli up the street.�  
  
  
  
�Deli�s have sandwiches Howie.�  
  
  
  
�Anyone who cares raise your hand.� He looked around, saw neither of our hands go up, rolled his eyes and continued, �Okay deli it is then.�  
  
  
  
Is it wrong of me to enjoy this side of Howie every once in a while?  
  
  
  
Since the deli was only about three blocks away, we decided to walk there, I guess to keep ourselves from feeling completely guilty about having bread as well. It was a nice day out. I love LA sometimes, with it�s always 76 degree, sunny weather.  
  
  
  
�This is going to be hell AJ.� He finally said after the first major intersection we crossed.  
  
  
  
�It�s going to be fine Howie.�  
  
  
  
�It�s going to be hell.�  
  
  
  
�Once we start, you�ll get used to it again.�  
  
  
  
�Did you see the schedule? This is probably our last free week for a year.�  
  
  
  
He was right, our schedule had us working almost every single day or if not every day, enough days that when we actually had off, we couldn�t really do anything.  
  
  
  
�I mean, I�m surprised Brian didn�t have a cow�when is he going to get to actually have any family time?�  
  
  
  
�She�s coming with us probably.� He rolled his eyes again. God, I love D.  
  
  
  
�It should be very cozy with all of us in the same bus, huh?� Of course why I was adding fuel to the fire was beyond me. It just seemed like the right thing to say at that point and time.  
  
  
  
�I don�t even want to think about it. Whose dumb idea was that anyway?�  
  
  
  
�Nick I think.�  
  
  
  
�Naturally,� another roll of the eyes. �Well, at least we don�t have to worry about that for a little while. We have to get through all the press stuff first which should be entertaining.�  
  
  
  
�Howie, everything will be fine. It always is.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me and nodded, �I know�sorry I�m just in a mood.�  
  
  
  
�Really? Hadn�t noticed.�  
  
  
  
Once again he rolled his eyes at me but finally, as we opened the jingling door to the deli, he seemed like he was calming down. That is of course until we saw Brian and Leighanne sitting there in a corner, eating sandwiches and looking as if they were in the middle of a very intense conversation.  
  
  
  
�Great.� I said as I rolled my eyes�I guess it�s contagious.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
You know it�s not like I even have enough time in the day for myself but when she gets into one of her moods I just want to crawl under a rock and hide for like a month solid. I love my wife but sometimes�.that doesn�t make me a bad person though. Is there anyone out there that likes it when people whine and nag and complain about every little thing?  
  
  
  
Seriously!  
  
  
  
�Are you listening to me?� I looked over at her and took a bite of my sandwich, a sandwich that if my cousin knew I was eating he�d probably ground me as if I was five years old.  
  
  
  
�Yes, I�m listening to you and I heard every word you said. The thing is, the decision has already been made Leigh.�  
  
  
  
�Well unmake it! I�m not sharing a bus with all of them! We have a small child to think about, I�m sure they�ll be okay with bending your little decision.�  
  
  
  
Ever since I broke the news to Leigh that we would all be sharing one bus for the mini tour we had planned, she has been on a mission to get me to change their minds. Not that I was crazy about this idea either, but in a way I can see the point. This was a new beginning so why not go back to the way it always was.  
  
  
  
�Leigh, it�s more of a budgeting issue than anything else�� I lied.  
  
  
  
�How is Baylee going to live in the same place as Nick and what if Nick brings some of his loser friends on tour with him? I�m not having that horrid Bean guy and Baylee in the same bus! Let alone the same city.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure that Nick realizes Baylee is a child.�  
  
  
  
�Really?� She gave me one of her raised eyebrow looks and that�s when I heard the front door jingle and saw AJ and Howie walk in. Thank the Lord Jesus. They looked over at me and I quickly smiled, it was one of those �please help me now!� smiles. I have picked up on countless times when AJ needed to get out of a sticky situation, usually with one of the girls he was trying to pick up or a crazy fan he may have encountered and was stupid enough to invite her to sit down and have lunch with him. You�d think he�d recognize that look but no, he didn�t. They went to go sit at a different table all together! AHH!  
  
  
  
�Leigh, I know it�ll be tough but it�s not that long of a tour.�  
  
  
  
�Not that long? Brian it goes on for months!�  
  
  
  
�You knew it was going to be like this.�  
  
  
  
�Of course I knew, but I thought they would all be willing to be flexible with our situation.�  
  
  
  
�I think it�s important that we do it this way honey.�  
  
  
  
�You do?� I once again found myself looking over at my band mates for help but I swear they were purposely avoiding eye contact with me. Smart thinking I guess.  
  
  
  
I smiled at my wife; it was the same smile that has gotten me out of trouble countless times before. She always had a soft spot for my smile, so might as well use it, right? �I think it�s important that we all spend as much time together as possible. Honey, it�s been a long time.�  
  
  
  
�But you have been spending all your time together already! The first few months you were here you were all together!�  
  
  
  
�I know�but it�s a getting back to our roots type thing.�  
  
  
  
She let out a sigh, �I am not going to be able to come with you for the whole thing, you realize that right?�  
  
  
  
I nodded at her, �I know�but we�ll talk every single day and you guys will come out often enough that I won�t have time to miss you.�  
  
  
  
�You know when Bay starts school��  
  
  
  
�We�ll worry about that when it gets closer to time sweetheart.� I placed my hand on her cheek and she leaned her face into it.  
  
  
  
�I love you Brian��  
  
  
  
I winked at her, �I know�I love you too.� Disaster averted all because of my irresistible charm. No thanks at all to my two �brothers� I will remember that the next time either of them have a deer caught in the headlights look on their faces.  
  
  
  
AJ and Howie walked over to the counter to grab their food and then made their way over to our table. Great, now they come over. They probably sensed that the all clear sign was waved. �Hey guys, we didn�t see you there.� AJ lied. He�s a big, fat, hairy liar.  
  
  
  
�Hi.� Leighanne answered as she stood up, �I have to go�I promised Terry I�d be back by 2.�  
  
  
  
I stood up with her and kissed her cheek. �I�m not sure when we�ll be done, but it shouldn�t be too late.�  
  
  
  
�I�ll be waiting up for you and I�m sure your son will too, so try not to be too long!� She gave a smile to both AJ and Howie and then walked out of the deli.  
  
  
  
�Did you guys have a fight?� I KNEW they saw us!  
  
  
  
�More like a tiny spat AJ. I knew you saw us before. You should have come over and said hello.�  
  
  
  
�Riiight, I�ll remember that for the next time.�  
  
  
  
They both sat down, Howie giving me a sympathetic look and AJ burping as he bit into his sandwich.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I wanted everything to go perfectly, is that too much to ask? I mean I can only do the best I can. Sometimes it�s just annoying being the bad guy; I�m always the bad guy. For once I want to be the one sitting in a corner doing something stupid. Maybe that�s what I�ll do, have a complete role reversal with Nick. Let him be me for a day and I can go be carefree and walk around with my butt hanging out of my pants all day long. And there I go again, I�m taking my frustrations out on Nick and he�s not even here.  
  
  
  
�Sorry Nick.� I said to my water, since Nick was nowhere to be found. And it was easier to apologize to a bottle of water than Nick anyway. I�m doing it again. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity as I continued on my walk.  
  
  
  
It was a beautiful day and I have gotten used to taking our lunch break as an opportunity to walk along the beach and just have some me time, bringing along a yogurt and some water to have on the way. It was nice to reflect and with the way our schedule looks, I�ll need some major reflecting time now because lord knows when I�ll have time to reflect later.  
  
  
  
I won�t let myself get all anxious about it though. What good will that do? Every time we are about to start on something like this, I always do that to myself. Let all the �what ifs� get to me to the point that I�m making myself physically ill. This time I have to go about things differently. I can�t worry myself every minute of the day whether or not Nick is up and ready to go, or if AJ remembers to show up for an interview.  
  
  
  
�I can�t let myself be the party pooper this time.� I hate that role, I really do but just as I said that, I happened to pass a deli where I saw Brian, AJ and Howie all eating sandwiches and drinking soda.  
  
  
  
It was as if time stopped, they looked at me, I looked at them and then things went bonkers. I opened the door to the restaurant just as AJ put the remainder of his sandwich in his mouth as if to get rid of all the evidence. He had a lot of that sandwich left. He kind of looked like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. Yes, that ridiculous.  
  
  
  
�Kev�what are you doing here?� Brian asked nervously as he scooted his sandwich behind his drink as if I was stupid and didn�t notice it in the first place.  
  
  
  
�I was out walking.�  
  
  
  
�Oh�� I glanced over at AJ who had his mouth still incredibly full. He tried his best to smile at me but some bread made its way out of his mouth when he did that, so I looked away. Suddenly I felt as though I had walked into an episode of Friends or Seinfeld. Howie just kind of shrugged at me. He could care less that I caught him. That made me glad for some reason.  
  
  
  
�So�� I didn�t know exactly what to say, part of me wanted to laugh, another part wanted to lecture, but the hungry part wanted to go and order a hot roast beef sandwich and say to hell with it.  
  
  
  
�AJ, swallow your food or you�re going to choke to death.� I nodded at Brian. And shook my head and rolled my eyes at AJ who grabbed a napkin and spat out his food into it. That�s when I finally allowed myself to laugh. I had been holding it in ever since they all looked like kids being caught with a porn magazine.  
  
  
  
Naturally once I started to laugh, all of them followed, �You guys are something else.� I said as I sat down beside Howie and took a swig of my water.  
  
  
  
�So, no lecture then?� AJ looked up at me with hopeful eyes.  
  
  
  
�Guys, I know you all know how to use self control when it comes to stuff like this. You know it�s more Nick I�m worried about. Someone needs to be on his back all the time.�  
  
  
  
�So you aren�t going to go like� all Kevin on our asses?�  
  
  
  
�Go Kevin on your asses?� I raised a brow at AJ. �How many phrases do you guys actually have with mine name in it�no wait, never mind�I don�t want to know.�  
  
  
  
�So how come you all went out to lunch together and didn�t invite me?� I was still trying to decide if I wanted to break my own diet and get something from the deli because frankly, the smell of the place was making me salivate.  
  
  
  
�We didn�t, we just all kind of ended up here. Call it fate, or destiny, whatever you want�I want a black and white cookie. Can I have one Kevin?� Well, that was random.  
  
  
  
I shook my head at AJ, �Have whatever you want AJ, if you won�t feel guilty about it and work it off, go nuts. Don�t let me stop you. I�m not your daddy and you don�t need my permission.�  
  
  
  
�Just for the record, everyone did hear that, right?� Brian and Howie nodded and laughed as AJ made his way to the counter to get his cookie.  
  
  
  
�Are you guys freaking out about the schedule?�  
  
  
  
�A little�� Howie answered.  
  
  
  
Brian said, �My wife and I were just fighting about it.�  
  
  
  
�It looks really packed, but you know�we can do this.� I gave them my most reassuring smile. I always did when I sensed doubt in the room. Sometimes it worked others it didn�t. This time, I�m not sure. They both still looked unsettled.  
  
  
  
AJ walked over with four black and white cookies, one for each of us. I gladly took it and bit into it, seems like I am not as disciplined as I used to be. �Here�s to the long road ahead of us.� We held our cookies in the air and clanked them together as if they were a glass of champagne.  
  
  
  
Just as we did that, I swear to God Carter walked by the deli window. He peered in at us as we were all holding our cookies in the air and I would have felt guilty if I hadn�t noticed the McDonald�s bag and cup which most likely held a chocolate shake, that he was carrying. When he saw my eyes on him�I kid you not, the boy dropped his food and ran.  
  
  
  
We all just about died laughing�poor Nick.  
  
  
  
�Should I run after him, just to give him a heart attack?� I asked finally as the laughter subsided.  
  
  
  
�Isn�t he supposed to be at a meeting of some kind?� Brian asked as he finished his last bite of his cookie.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�but its right up the street.� I answered. They seemed surprised that I knew his schedule, but ever since he was a kid, it�s kind of just been my job. �Well, we better get back to work ourselves huh?� I stood up and the others followed.  
  
  
  
I laughed once more under my breath as I saw Nick�s milkshake all over the sidewalk. See? I knew it was a chocolate milkshake. AJ bent down to grab at the bag, �I wonder if he has fries in there. I�m in the mood for Mickey D�s fries�Ouch!� He said the �ouch� because I bopped him in the back of the head.  
  



	49. Chapter 49

****

**49  
  
  
  
Stuck in Traffic�**

  
  
  
  
  
  
�I had the weirdest dream last night man.�  
  
  
  
I sighed, turning my head away from the window. I didn�t get much sleep last night to begin with. I�m pretty sure it had to do with the anxiety from all the interviews we had today. I feel so out of practice when it comes to this stuff; I hardly know what to say anymore. There was a time when we had all our answers down to a science. We even knew which one of us would answer which question. I took all the complex ones naturally. It was my job because no one else was trusted. Howie would have done well, but at the beginning, Johnny and Lou were a little worried that the younger ones might say something dumb.  
  
  
  
�Kevin, did you hear me? I said I had a weird dream last night.�  
  
  
  
�I heard you Nick, you�re sitting like two inches away from me, how can I not hear you?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�.When you get older; your hearing is the first thing to go.�  
  
  
  
I rubbed at my eyes. I shouldn�t have done that because now they�ll be all red, but it�s only radio interviews today, so I guess I�m safe. Maybe If I looked slightly possessed everyone would leave me alone?  
  
  
  
�So�my dream.� Not a chance. No one leaves me alone�EVER!  
  
  
  
�Okay, tell me about your dream.� I decided I�d give into him. I mean we were the only two in this car and we currently were stuck in traffic. If I didn�t let him babble on about his dream he�d start babbling about something else.  
  
  
  
�Well it�s freaking weird man.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him. I hate the way he tells stories. He goes on and on about how weird they are and then proceeds to crack himself up; meanwhile I�m still sitting here in the dark. �What happened? You get mauled by a turkey or something?�  
  
  
  
�What the hell?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�that�s weird. You said it�s freaking weird man. Getting mauled by a turkey would fall into that category.� He was giving me a look as if I was insane.  
  
  
  
�Oookay�.no Kevin. I wasn�t mauled by a turkey, oddly enough.� He tilted his head slightly and raised his eyebrows. Okay like I�m suddenly the odd one in the car. �I dreamt I was grocery shopping with Brian.�  
  
  
  
�And?�  
  
  
  
�He was wheeling me around in one of those big ass shopping carts. I mean it was big ass! As big ass as you can get.�  
  
  
  
�Okay I get it; the shopping cart was big, what else happened?�  
  
  
  
�I kept pulling things off the shelves and putting them in the cart, and every time I did he would laugh and tell me to do it again.�  
  
  
  
�Were you a kid or you sized?�  
  
  
  
�I was me sized. I mean it was a big ass shopping cart. So I fit in there with no problem.�  
  
  
  
�Why were you in a shopping cart in the first place?�  
  
  
  
�Dude, I have no idea. I was also eating a piece of licorice.�  
  
  
  
�Hrmm�what was Brian doing during all of this?�  
  
  
  
�Just laughing like a fool.�  
  
  
  
�Was anyone else there?�  
  
  
  
�Not for a while.�  
  
  
  
�Oh? So eventually someone else came?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I ended up having sex with Heidi Klum.�  
  
  
  
�In the shopping cart?�  
  
  
  
�Well, it was a big ass shopping cart.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him. �What?� he asked me when I had that reaction, as if I wasn�t supposed to find any of that amusing.  
  
  
  
�Nothing, just you.�  
  
  
  
�Well, I probably wouldn�t be dreaming about groceries and food if you weren�t starving me to death.�  
  
  
  
�That was a bit overdramatic, don�t you think?�  
  
  
  
�Tell that to Wentworth.� He rubbed his stomach when he said that.  
  
  
  
�You named your stomach Wentworth?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, my belly has a name. You are killing Wentworth.�  
  
  
  
�I�m not killing him but I�m making him smaller.� I pat his jiggly stomach, which wasn�t jiggling as much as it used to, thank you very much.  
  
  
  
Of course when I pat him, he farted which prompted me to open the windows. Either inhale the fumes of the surrounding cars or the ones inside this one. I�ll take my chances with the outside fumes.  
  
  
  
�Sorry about that, I�m a little gassy.�  
  
  
  
�You must be feeding Wentworth something!� I said as I fanned his stink away from my face.  
  
  
  
He grabbed his belly with both hands, smooshing it together, �Did you hear that Wenty? Kevin is mocking us!�  
  
  
  
�Okay, this is a never ending car ride.� I looked at my watch to see we had been in the same spot for about 25 minutes now. �I wonder what the holdup is?�  
  
  
  
He let go of his stomach, happily� for me anyway, and slouched down in the seat, pulling one leg on top of the other. �Who cares? I�m in no rush to do these interviews, are you?�  
  
  
  
�Not really. I just want to get them over with I guess.�  
  
  
  
�They�re going to be hell.� Now I saw that look of dread on his face. The poor guy knew he was going to be drilled about Paris. �I�m not sure how I�m going to answer those questions when they ask me.�  
  
  
  
�About her?� I rolled my eyes and let out a deep breath. Just thinking about that blonde whore bag made me want to kick something.  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�Take the high road.�  
  
  
  
�I have been.�  
  
  
  
�I know, and I�m proud of you for doing that. Just keep it going.�  
  
  
  
�But if they keep drilling� you know they�ll just keep drilling.�  
  
  
  
�Then I�ll handle it.�  
  
  
  
He looked over at me and smiled, �Really?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, I�m not afraid of her. Let her come after me for all I care. You just stay quiet and let me ream her!�  
  
  
  
�You�re cool Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�I know.�  
  
  
  
�So, you want to know what happened with me and Heidi in that big ass cart?�  
  
  
  
I gave him that look, the one that said, �I�m a male and I�m stuck in a car going nowhere�what do you think?�  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�Hey Howie, you think if you hit someone in the head with a waffle iron they would get those little marks on them? You know, like the marks that waffles have?�  
  
  
  
I looked up at AJ, baffled� but only slightly. �Maybe?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, you�re probably right.� He nodded as he once again started to play with the many bracelets on his wrists. It was a new habit he acquired, an annoying new habit, but I�ll still take that over the �I want to pierce my face� phase.  
  
  
  
I have learned to just ignore odd questions like this, when they came from him or Nicky. Pretty much nothing shocked me anymore and I knew it was only a matter of time before those questions started happening. We were stuck in traffic, about fifteen minutes from our destination. I suggested that we just get out of the car and walk there but management thought it wasn�t a good idea. I guess I can see their point since we were on a highway and all.  
  
  
  
I was trying to sift through a list of questions that could be asked of us today to preoccupy myself. Sometimes radio stations sent us the questions before hand for approval. Those were the kinds of interviews I enjoyed because we always knew what was coming. It was the other ones I didn�t much like, those spontaneous ones that were all about shocking their audiences.  
  
  
  
We were heading to one of those radio stations first. I guess it�s best to get them out of the way first. This way all we have left is smooth sailing. Still, sometimes there was a way to cheat with them as well, �Is there a way we can put that radio station on?�  
  
  
  
�The one we�re going to?� Our driver asked me from the front of the car.  
  
  
  
�Yup, I�d like to hear if they are saying anything about us.�  
  
  
  
�They have been talking about you all week.� He answered proudly.  
  
  
  
�Good things or bad things?�  
  
  
  
The man driving the car, who looked about 12 if he was a day old, shrugged. �A little bit of both I guess.�  
  
  
  
�What were they saying exactly?� Now it was AJ�s turn.  
  
  
  
�Nothing really, they spent most of their time talking about Paris and the guy she dated. I guess he�s your band mate, right?�  
  
  
  
�Yup�did it seem like they were going to grill him on her?�  
  
  
  
�No, if anything they�ll ask him about how good the sex was.�  
  
  
  
�Oh.� It�s sad that, that was the best possible scenario when it came to a Paris question, isn�t it?  
  
  
  
�I would have loved to tap that ass just once�� I glanced over at AJ as he said that under his breath. I�m not sure whether he intended for me to hear that or not. He has a very hard time keeping his thoughts in his head, that one. Not that I didn�t already know how badly he secretly wanted to lay Nick�s ex-girlfriend. He made it no secret from anyone, including Nick who he has told more than once.  
  
  
  
�I bet you�re kind of glad you didn�t huh?�  
  
  
  
�Hell yeah�but still�.�  
  
  
  
I shook my head as I allowed myself to sit further back into my seat. I hadn�t realized that for almost the entire ride I had been sitting straight up toward the edge of the cushions. I guess I�m a tad bit stressed out still. The driver was fiddling around with his radio until he landed on the station I requested.  
  
  
  
 _�And let�s not forget that the Backstreet Boys will be joining us in studio this morning.�_ The male DJ said just as he landed on the station.  
  
  
  
 _�I can�t believe the amount of calls we�ve gotten for them, I thought they were old news.�_ That was the female, trying to sound like she didn�t have a ton of pictures of us on her wall when she was younger.  
  
  
  
�I bet she�s a closet fan.� I laughed at AJ. It does scare me that we both had the same thought. Well, actually it�s kind of terrifying more so than scary, I mean he was just talking about hitting people over the head with a waffle iron.  
  
  
  
 _�Aren�t they too old to be boys now? Shouldn�t we be calling them men?�_ Boy, I can tell that�s going to get old fast.  
  
  
  
 _�Yeah seriously, the youngest one is pushing thirty, right?�_  
  
  
  
 _�Well, he must have something left in him because he managed to conquer Paris.�_ All the DJ�s laughed at that. I hate DJs, can I just say that? They are all a bunch of idiots as far as I�m concerned. I mean, when I�m with them I�ll laugh and smile but overall they are losers. Not all�but most.  
  
  
  
 _�Is he the drunken, crack head?�_ All of the radio people laughed.  
  
  
  
 _�No, that�s the other one with the bushy brows I think. This one is the alcoholic who beats people.�_  
  
  
  
�You know, you can shut that off anytime now.� AJ yelled to our young driver.  
  
  
  
When the kid quickly shut the radio station off, I turned to AJ with a look of disgust on my face, �I wonder if it�s too late to cancel out of this one?�  
  
  
  
He shrugged at me, �D, we kind of figured this was going to happen.�  
  
  
  
�I�m proud of you for not being angry after the drunken crack head thing.� I placed my hand on AJ�s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. A comment like that about a year ago would have almost sent him right back to a bar.  
  
  
  
�He was right, kind of. Besides he thinks it�s Kevin so I guess I�m all in the clear. Let him call Kevin a drunken crack head and see what happens.�  
  
  
  
He had a point there. I looked at my watch and sighed. At this rate, we won�t make it anyway. Hopefully the station after this one would be better.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I was shaking my foot and biting on my nails. I hate being stuck in traffic! I mean when I�m in my own car or something it isn�t quite so bad. I roll down the windows and blast my music and dance around. I can�t do that here though.  
  
  
  
�Can you stop shaking your foot please? It�s annoying me.� Well, I knew that was going to happen.  
  
  
  
�Sorry.� I uncrossed my legs and adjusted in the seat next to Kevin, who was reading a newspaper to occupy his time now. I guess he became bored with me and my dreams.  
  
  
  
After I told him about Heidi and me, I decided I�d tell him some of the weirdest dreams I�ve ever had. Naturally most of them had to do with me being naked with beautiful women but he was then quick to point out that maybe I was getting my sex life mixed up with my dreams. Sometimes I think Kevin is a bit jealous of my single stature, although I�d very much enjoy going home to his wife anytime. He started zoning me out when I got to the evil snow cone dream. I�m still not sure what Mary Poppins was doing in that one. The snow cone wanted to take over the world but it was up to me and Mary to save everyone. Yup, that�s when he decided to grab for the newspaper and play the �let�s tune Nick out� game.  
  
  
  
�You want to read?� He asked me, attempting to hand me a section of the paper to which I smirked at him. �Oh right, what was I thinking?� He then proceeded to roll the paper into a little ball and hit me on the head with it.  
  
  
  
�What was that for?� I rubbed my head and frowned at him.  
  
  
  
�Just suddenly felt the urge.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think we�ll just cancel the first appearance? I mean we�re late already aren�t we?� and yes, I was still rubbing my head. I wanted him to know that he hurt me. He didn�t seem to care much though.  
  
  
  
�I think so, but no, we�re still going as far as I know. Johnny would have called to say otherwise.�  
  
  
  
�Well then, this is retarded.�  
  
  
  
�Be patient Nick, we�ll get there when we get there.�  
  
  
  
�This is weird. Don�t you think this is weird Kevin?�  
  
  
  
�What? And don�t mention being mauled by turkeys.�  
  
  
  
�You�re the one that mentioned that before, not me.�  
  
  
  
�Oh right�what�s weird then?�  
  
  
  
�The fact that you�re so calm about us being late. I mean by now your head usually looks like it�s ready to explode off your shoulders.�  
  
  
  
�There�s not much we can do about it, so why bother getting all worked up? Besides like we said before, we�re not in a rush.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but even still�it�s like we�ve entered that Superman parallel universe.�  
  
  
  
�Bizarro world?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I think that�s the one�hell I live in Bizarro world.�  
  
  
  
He reopened his newspaper, �I think you�re the King of that world. You and Wentworth and your singing, evil snow cones.�  
  
  
  
�Don�t forget about Heidi.�  
  
  
  
He nodded, �Yes, her too.�  
  
  
  
�I�m hungry.�  
  
  
  
He sighed, �I knew I shouldn�t have mentioned Wentworth�� He grumbled under his breath.  
  
  
  
�It�s not Wentworth; you mentioned snow cones and that�s what did it. I would love one of those right about now. They should have snow cone vendors around here.�  
  
  
  
�You mean on the highway?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, why the hell not?�  
  
  
  
�Nick, you�re weird.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think Brian would like to hear about my Heidi dream?�  
  
  
  
Kevin looked up at me and shrugged, �Depends, will that make you stop talking to me?�  
  
  
  
�You are mean Kevin. You know, all your fans�all two of them�think you�re so nice and perfect.�  
  
  
  
�All two of them huh?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, all two of them.�  
  
  
  
�Well at least my two fans are sane.�  
  
  
  
�Uh, no they aren�t.�  
  
  
  
�You�re probably right.�  
  
  
  
�Trust me I am.�  
  
  
  
�Are you going by that stupid message board you always talk about?� Kevin shook his head at me as if he hasn�t snuck onto any message boards to see what they say about him.  
  
  
  
�Yes I am.� He didn�t respond, just sat there looking at me�yes with the Kevin look.  
  
  
  
�Call Brian, I�m sure he�ll love the dream. Don�t forget the Snow White one; he�ll really get a kick out of that one.�  
  
  
  
�Is that your way of telling me to shut up?�  
  
  
  
�Nope, �Nick shut up!� That�s my way of telling you to shut up.�  
  
  
  
�Cute.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks.�  
  
  
  
I picked up my phone and decided I�d bug Brian. Why not? The poor guy was probably bored out of his mind, all by himself in a huge limousine.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~~*

  
  
  
  
I love this! I hope the traffic never moves and we are stuck here for about another ten hours! I can�t even recall the last time I have had some alone time. Ever since I�ve been married and have had a child, time is not my own anymore, but I feel like we�ve had this conversation. Regardless, this is so nice. I smiled just thinking about how Howie was probably ready to kill AJ by now and Kevin and Nick together but yet here I was all alone. Peace and quiet, maybe I�ll take a nap.  
  
  
  
Ah a nice long and peaceful�phone.  
  
  
  
I looked down at it and saw it was my wife, �Hey honey.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t sure if I would catch you or not.�  
  
  
  
�I�m stuck in traffic.�  
  
  
  
�That�s what the DJ said. Are you almost there?�  
  
  
  
�We haven�t moved in a long time.�  
  
  
  
�Fans keep calling into the station, they all are really excited about you guys being there.� I smiled.  
  
  
  
�That�s awesome.�  
  
  
  
My phone beeped, �Hang on a sec honey,� I said as I looked to see who was calling. �Leigh that�s the other car, they are probably calling with news. I�ll talk to you later. Love you baby.�  
  
  
  
�I love you too.�  
  
  
  
I hung up with my wife, �Hey AJ, any news?�  
  
  
  
�No, I was wondering if you could settle an argument D and I are having.�  
  
  
  
�What?�  
  
  
  
�Well he seems to think that spaghetti and macaroni are the same thing. I think they aren�t.�  
  
  
  
�What?� What? Yes, I had to repeat that!  
  
  
  
�I don�t think they taste the same, I mean I know they don�t look the same, but they definitely don�t taste the same, right?�  
  
  
  
�Bone, I was on the phone with my wife and hung up because I thought this was important.�  
  
  
  
�Well, I guess it depends on how you define important. Howie and I have been arguing about this for at least ten minutes now.�  
  
  
  
�Ten minutes?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�He�s right AJ. They are the same thing, just a different shape.� There was a pause on his end of the line and I couldn�t help but laugh. He hated to be wrong almost as much as I did.  
  
  
  
�He said I�m right Howie�its different!�  
  
  
  
�AJ!� I knew he was going to do that. Just then my phone beeped again.  
  
  
  
�I have to go, I have another call.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, thanks Rok! You so owe me money Howard.� I heard AJ gloating as I clicked over to Nickolas.  
  
  
  
�What�s up?�  
  
  
  
�I thought you might like to hear about the dream I had last night.�  
  
  
  
I started laughing, �What?�  
  
  
  
�I had a dream that you were wheeling me around in a big ass shopping cart and I mean it was big ass.�  
  
  
  
�Oh good, here we go again with the big ass.� I heard my cousin say in the background.  
  
  
  
So much for peace and quiet I guess. I decided to lie down as I held the phone to my ear, �So I was wheeling you in a big cart.�  
  
  
  
�Come on Brian�you can say it�I know you want to.�  
  
  
  
�Okay fine�a big assed cart!�  
  
  
  
�Woot! Woot! I got your cousin to say ass!� He cracks me up this child.  
  
  
  
�Anyway, what happens next? Knowing you a supermodel of some kind was involved?�  
  
  
  
�Oh my God! How the hell did you know that?�  
  
  
  
�Because I know you�anyway tell me what happened.� Just as I said that, a weird and mysterious thing happened�we began to move!  
  
  
  
�Hey we�re moving!� He echoed my thoughts.  
  
  
  
�It appears that we are.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe we can ride together on the way to the next one so I can tell you all about it!�  
  
  
  
�Okie dokie.�  
  
  
  
�I like you�you said okie dokie!� I rolled my eyes at the phone but smiled at the thought of him being with me on the next leg of our little radio station interview tour.  
  
  
  
It seemed like within minutes of hanging up with Nick, we were at the station and I just smiled when I saw all of the people waiting outside to great us. It�s been a long time since I�ve seen this. It felt nice, like an old friend saying hello. It almost made what turned out to be a horrible day, a little brighter.  
  
  
  



	50. Chapter 50

****

**50  
  
  
  
Too bad Carson Daly is such a Giant Tool!**

  
  
  
  
  
  
�No one is on our side anymore AJ.� I looked over at Kevin and wasn�t quite sure what to say to that. When he saw my eyes he continued, �It�s like no one wants us to succeed.�  
  
  
  
�Our fans do.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I know�I mean no one else.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, we can�t let a few bad interviews get to us.�  
  
  
  
�A few?� He raised his eyebrow at me. I wish I could say he was exaggerating but he really wasn�t.  
  
  
  
After we finally got out of the traffic jam and into our first interview, things went from bad to worse. Station after station all said the same things to us. It was as if they all had a secret meeting to try to decide how to take us down. They mentioned the �boys� in the band name. How we were too old to be considered boys and should change the name to men. When they finished talking about that they made sure to bring up all of Nick�s problems with the law and Paris etc� Then there were always my past troubles and the fact that we have been out of the limelight for so long will people even remember us? It happened that way interview after interview after interview. Seemed like all we did was defend ourselves.  
  
  
  
The one ray of hope in all of this was the fans. For every single radio station we stopped at, there they were waving at us, flashing pictures, and carrying signs. They made it hard for all the DJs to say people had forgotten about us as their own voices were being drowned out by the shouts of love from our fans. Still, by the end of the day as we drove back to our hotel, none of us were very happy.  
  
  
  
�It�s only going to get worse.�  
  
  
  
I sighed. When Kevin got like this all I could so was sigh really. He was supposed to keep me calm, not the other way around.  
  
  
  
�Kevin, we just aren�t used to it anymore.�  
  
  
  
�No, this type of stuff didn�t happen to us before; it�s like a whole new beast.�  
  
  
  
�Times have changed, we�ve changed.�  
  
  
  
He nodded at me, �Yeah, I don�t like it.�  
  
  
  
�Me either, but looking on the bright side, it�s kind of like starting all over again but this time we have fans already.� I was trying to be optimistic about the whole thing. It was hard though. During our fourth interview, this one DJ was being particularly rude cracking jokes on the side about our sexual orientations and what not. That�s really old news and none of us had a problem with it, but then he started in on Nick, saying that he most likely would be the type to hit Paris and brag about it to his friends. The guy looked at Kevin of all people and said, �So did he brag about it to you?�  
  
  
  
Kevin stood up, walked over to the guy and for a minute I was afraid he was going to deck him, not that it would have been a bad thing or anything. I have seen that look on Kevin many many times and let me tell you something, it�s not a pretty sight. Howie even uttered a very low �Kev�don�t.� But Kevin just stood there, intently staring at the DJ, �I think it�s time to go,� was all he said before turning around and walking out of the room.  
  
  
  
�You can�t walk out on every interview where you�re insulted!� Johnny said furiously as we took the elevator to the ground floor. �You just gave them even more fuel for their fire.�  
  
  
  
�Johnny, I don�t give a rat�s ass about their fire. I am not going to casually laugh along with them while they insult us and call us abusers and everything else under the sun.�  
  
  
  
�It�s part of the business Kevin.�  
  
  
  
�Well it�s the part I hate!� He said that so loud that it silenced our manager, which isn�t an easy thing to do.  
  
  
  
I remember glancing over at Nick at that point. He had been so oddly quiet during all of the interviews. He barely cracked a joked or even smiled. Who could blame him really? Most of the negative things were directed at him. I felt for him, I�d been there myself, too many times to recall. When I looked at him he glanced my way really quickly and then flashed me a small smile before once again darting his eyes downward.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry, I don�t mean to complain. I know we�ve all been through hell today.�  
  
  
  
I placed my hand on his shoulder, �It�s all good Kevin and just for the record, thanks for sticking up for me today. You came to my rescue more than once and I appreciate it. I know Nick does too.�  
  
  
  
�Well, there�s only so much I can take you know? I mean I can call you both fuckups all I want but that�s because I know you.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him and the serious way he said that. Only Kevin could get away with calling me a fuck up and mean it as a compliment. �Maybe tomorrow will be better.� I said wanting to smoke more than anything else but knowing that he would ring my neck if I were to light up in the car.  
  
  
  
�Can�t get any worse I guess.�  
  
  
  
�Oh I�m sure it can.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks AJ, that makes me feel a lot better.�  
  
  
  
�At least we don�t have to go on TRL, can you imagine what that would be like now?� He looked over at me and shook his head.  
  
  
  
�We�d be booed off the stage now.�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�That sucks,� And it really did. Back in the day, we ruled that show now we could probably walk past the windows outside and not even get recognized. Times certainly do change, don�t they?  
  
  
  
�Carson would probably get booed off the show too though.� I laughed at Kevin. He had a point; the kids that didn�t know us anymore wouldn�t know him either. That somehow gave me comfort especially since he got his own show on NBC and whenever he said anything about us, it was negative. Kevin sat there in silent reflection. I could tell maybe his mind had briefly gone back to those days. �Carson is a giant tool!� He said finally.  
  
  
  
All I could do was nod in agreement, of course I would have gone with dick or ass hat, but tool works too!  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
�You sure you�re alright?�  
  
  
  
�I�m good Brian.� I looked over at Brian and smiled, wishing that everyone would stop asking me if I was okay. Today was embarrassing; I hated it, everything about it, but now that it was over I just wanted to forget. Go back to the hotel, take a nice hot shower and wash this day from hell off of me.  
  
  
  
�Because if you want to talk about it��  
  
  
  
�There�s nothing to talk about.�  
  
  
  
�You sure?� He was making me mad and the last thing I really wanted to do was fight with Brian. I wanted to drive home with him because I was sure he would be the one person who wouldn�t even bring any of this stuff up. There was no way I was getting into a car with Kevin after today, no friggin way and the same with AJ. The two of them kept giving me these looks all day long. Anger mixed with pity, and those are the worst looks ever! Howie kind of decided he was riding alone this time around so I was happy to grab Brian and kidnap him into my car.  
  
  
  
�I�m sure, let�s just talk about something else, okay?�  
  
  
  
He bit at his lip and half nodded, his way of saying he disapproved but he would do it anyway. �What do you want to talk about then?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, politics, global warming, why they call it coconut milk even though it�s not milk.�  
  
  
  
He laughed, �Do you know anything about any of those topics?�  
  
  
  
�Pfft�uh�no, do you?�  
  
  
  
�No, well a little about global warming but that would only bore you to death.�  
  
  
  
�Being bored to death might be a good thing.�  
  
  
  
�If that was the case, you should have taken the ride back to the hotel with my cousin, don�t you think?�  
  
  
  
�I�m telling Kevin you said that.� I sat back and slouched down as far as I could go. Closing my eyes, I realized how exhausted this day has made me.  
  
  
  
I�m not one to get embarrassed very easily. Let�s face it, when you come from a kooky family like I have, you kind of get used to feeling like a dumb ass. But today I just felt so stupid and not in control of anything. It was seriously a very weird feeling. I knew exactly what to expect going into these interviews but even still, the way I was attacked time and time again just kind of sucked the life out of me.  
  
  
  
Kevin stood up for me just about every chance he got. Like he promised me in the car ride over, he answered most of the questions. AJ also came to my defense. Howie I expected to be quiet and non-combative just because that was his way but I have to say I was kind of surprised by Brian�s reactions to the statements.  
  
  
  
I was expecting Brian to come to my defense a little, but he didn�t. Instead he just remained quiet or looked at the floor or ceiling. A couple of times he excused himself to make a call to his wife or to run to the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Great time to realize I was secretly pissed at the guy sitting next to me. Not pissed as much as disappointed. It was as if in his silence today, he was agreeing with what was being said. �I thought Kevin was going to punch that one guy in the face today.�  
  
  
  
�I thought you said you didn�t want to talk about it.�  
  
  
  
�The thing is, what would you have said if the guy asked you that question?� I didn�t look up at him, really I didn�t want to, and I�m not even sure why I asked it in the first place. Maybe I just needed to fight with someone and Brian was the only one around.  
  
  
  
�What kind of a stupid question is that?� He sounded annoyed and the little boy in me, the one that never wanted Brian to be mad or upset, instantly wanted to apologize to him. I didn�t though. I think deep down I really needed to hear the answer to this question.  
  
  
  
�One that needs an answer so, what would you have said?�  
  
  
  
Brian sat a little more erect and once more bit at his bottom lip before answering, �I wouldn�t have said anything to him.�  
  
  
  
�One way or the other huh?� I muttered that under my breath but just loud enough to be heard.  
  
  
  
�What�s that supposed to mean?�  
  
  
  
�Nothing�never mind.� I wish I never brought it up but that�s just how I am. Talk first, think about it later.  
  
  
  
�No, I�d like to know what�s going on inside that crazy head of yours.�  
  
  
  
I glanced at my watch, when was this day going to end? �Don�t worry about it. It�s been a long day and I�m crabby, that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�Do you think I am on their side?� He wasn�t going to let me drop this.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know man, are you?�  
  
  
  
�Nick, how could you even ask me something like that?�  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh, rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, �I wish I didn�t feel like I had to, but I don�t know, lately I just get that vibe from you.�  
  
  
  
�What kind of vibe is that?�  
  
  
  
�It�s not important, drop it.�  
  
  
  
�No, we�re not dropping anything. You brought it up, what kind of vibe?�  
  
  
  
�You think you�re better than me, that�s all. I just feel like you think I�m a total loser and that you do think I�m a bad person.�  
  
  
  
The silence that followed was horrible! I wanted him to yell at me or something, but he just sat there and didn�t even move a muscle. I hated thinking that way about Brian, I really did but in a way it also felt good getting it out in the open. I�ve felt like this since we�ve been back together and the whole Paris ordeal just kind of magnified it. I looked over at him but that still didn�t seem to work. Now I did it, we were getting back to normal and I went and fucked it up because of the stupid ass mood I was in. �You know, forget I said anything. I�m sorry man�like I said it�s been a long day and I�m tired and��  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry.�  
  
  
  
I stopped my babbling and looked over at him; an apology was the last thing I expected. �What?�  
  
  
  
�I said I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to make you feel that way. I don�t think I�m better than you and it saddens me that you think that.�  
  
  
  
I let out a sigh, �Brian��  
  
  
  
�Let me finish Nick.� I nodded at him and let him continue, �I just worry that�s all. I don�t know what to say and how to act around you sometimes. If I press it seems like I�m lecturing you and you shy away from that. But if I ignore it, you think I don�t care. It�s a hard line, that�s all.�  
  
  
  
�I guess I just need to know that you�re on my side.�  
  
  
  
�I�m on your side buddy, of course I am.�  
  
  
  
I nodded and smiled at him but deep down those words still held doubt in my mind.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Glancing at my watch I couldn�t believe how late it was. We had been at these interviews all day long and the fact that we had another entire day of them tomorrow made me almost want to make our driver pull off the side of the road so I could wretch. AJ and I talking about the old times just made me melancholy for those days. Sometimes this reunion seemed like a blessing but other times, like today it seemed like a curse. Something that would be mocked by just about everyone under the sun before one of us gave in and ended up on a stupid show like Dancing with the Stars or living in a house with other rejects who tried to make unsuccessful comebacks.  
  
  
  
�What are you thinking?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at AJ and smiled, �Just trying to figure out which one of us will cave and do Dancing with the Stars.�  
  
  
  
�I�d win that one.�  
  
  
  
�I figured it would be you.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say I�d do it, just saying I�d win it.�  
  
  
  
�Nice to know.�  
  
  
  
�Why were you thinking that, just out of curiosity?�  
  
  
  
Now this is where I had to ask myself if I wanted to be honest and say, well you see I was just thinking about what we could do once our record comes out, flops and we end up laughing stocks in the music industry�.or I could play the safer route. �Because to me that�s the ultimate form of selling out.�  
  
  
  
�Going on Dancing with the Stars?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah.�  
  
  
  
�But not Fear Factor?� I knew the smartass was going to bring up that show.  
  
  
  
�No, at least I climbed a building and almost drowned.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, as long as you �almost� drowned.�  
  
  
  
I ignored him, �You know what I�m going to do tomorrow? If the interviews go like they did today I�m just going to say fuck it.�  
  
  
  
�Whoa Kev�� He looked at me as if I had never cussed before in my life which is pretty funny because just between you and me, I curse an awful lot. �Seriously, I�m not going to let all this crap get to me anymore. We are doing this because we want to, not because we have to.�  
  
  
  
�You don�t have to sell me on anything buddy. I�m with you.�  
  
  
  
�Well good because I�m tired of feeling like I need to apologize for us getting back together and doing this again.�  
  
  
  
�I for one am looking forward to you telling someone to fuck off.�  
  
  
  
�I didn�t say I would do that.�  
  
  
  
�I know, but I wish you would, just once. I�d pay you a friggin thousand dollars if you did!�  
  
  
  
�Really?�  
  
  
  
�Dude, really! To see the look on someone�s face if you told them to fuck off! Oh my  
  
God, priceless!�  
  
  
  
�A thousand dollars?�  
  
  
  
�Yup.�  
  
  
  
�Okay, it�s a deal.� I shook his hand and smiled.  
  
  
  
�Yes! This is the best! I have to call Nick and tell him! It�ll make this day from hell almost seem worth it.�  
  
  
  
I tried my hardest not to laugh at AJ and his excitement. �Hey AJ.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�Fuck off!�  
  
  
  
His eyes opened wide as his mouth dropped. He looked like Droopy Dog in the cartoons and that made me actually laugh out loud. �You�re right. The look on your face was priceless, now where�s my money?�  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
  
His words hurt me more than I let on, but I didn�t tell him that. How on earth could he think I wasn�t on his side? Has our relationship changed that much? I am better than him? That�s the other thing that surprised me. How he could think I felt I was so much better than he was. In reality though, in Nick�s reality anyway, everyone was better than he was. Yes, my little brother suffers from an inferiority complex. It�s funny kind of, because the media always makes it seem like he�s this cocky, conceited son of a bitch, but in reality he�s not. The kid thinks he�s garbage and whenever he says things like he said to me, it only confirms that age hasn�t helped him to get over those feelings.  
  
  
  
In all the years I have known Nick; I have done nothing but stick up for the boy. I can�t even tell you how many times I went to bat for him, many times when I should have just minded my own business. For him to say those words just now cut me to the core. I seriously wanted to scream at him, tell him to go to hell, but then again there has to be a reason for him to think that way. Maybe I�m not as supportive as I should be. I have no idea.  
  
  
  
�Bri?� his voice was so quiet and small I almost didn�t recognize it.  
  
  
  
�Yeah?�  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry.�  
  
  
  
I could tell he felt really horrible, but the thing is I kind of wanted him to. I know that�s probably immature and petty of me but I didn�t care. He hurt my feelings, and now I wanted him to feel bad about it. So sue me!  
  
  
  
�I just can�t believe after all we�ve been through you�d actually think�� I stopped because I was going to start saying things I didn�t want to say to him.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry.� He said it again and even softer this time.  
  
  
  
I finally glanced in his direction just as we pulled up to the front of the hotel. To my surprise there were a gaggle of fans waiting outside to greet us, some of them had signs but most just had cameras. I wasn�t in the mood to act all happy right at the moment. All I wanted to do was go back to my room and spend some time with my family.  
  
  
  
�Great�� I didn�t realize I said it out loud until Nick looked over at me and nodded.  
  
  
  
�Looks like Howie�s up first.� He said as we watched D get out of the car and head towards the door, only to be thwarted by fans as they stopped and begged him for hugs and pictures.  
  
  
  
�Seems like they didn�t get the memo.�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?� I asked Nick as he watched in awe of the way Howie handled the girls all around him, the smile never leaving his face the entire time.  
  
  
  
�That we aren�t worth their time anymore� seems like no one let them know that.�  
  
  
  
The serious way he said that made me just crack up for some reason. It was probably just a form of stress relief but once I started, I couldn�t stop. �Why are you laughing?� Nick asked mid giggle. Great if he started I�d never be able to stop myself.  
  
  
  
�I have no idea.� I confessed as Kevin and AJ now joined Howie out in front of the small crowd.  
  
  
  
�Maybe while they are signing we can sneak in the back?�  
  
  
  
�Doubtful, we�ve been spotted.� I motioned to the three girls who had their camcorders trained in our direction.  
  
  
  
�What do you want to bet they have those things on full zoom and are all up in our nostrils and stuff?�  
  
  
  
�Nostrils and stuff?� That was it, I started laughing again.  
  
  
  
�Brian, are you taking some foreign substances I should be aware of, or have you just lost your mind?�  
  
I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face and the dumbfounded look on his face wasn�t helping to calm me down. One of our bodyguards, the only one accompanying us on this little radio tour, lightly rapped on my door signaling it was time for us to exit the car.  
  
  
  
�Let�s do this.� Nick said looking at me and shaking his head, probably relieved that I was laughing and not cursing him out.  
  
  
  
Once he got out of the car, Nick was instantly enveloped into the crowd of admiring fans, just like he always has ever since he was so small I could fit him in my front pocket. I smiled when I watched him hugging his fans and licking them as they took pictures.  
  
  
  
�Seems like you guys were having a lot of fun in there.� I turned to the girl who said that. They used to be so little, but clearly this was a woman. They all were grown up, just like us.  
  
  
  
�Yeah�� I nodded at her, thinking how funny it was that sometimes they had no idea.  
  
  
  
We all had our own little orbit of fans around us within seconds of Nick and I leaving the safety of our car and it stayed that way for about thirty minutes before Kevin finally was able to make it to the lobby�s door and wave to the crowd. Once he did that, it became easier for us all to follow. The oddest thing happened though, I wanted to stay and so I did. Nick did too, the two of us signing autographs and taking pictures because this is what felt like home. Within a few minutes Kevin, Howie and AJ were back as well. They probably felt the same way.  
  
  
  
As we headed towards the elevators leading to our rooms, Nick mouthed the words, �I�m sorry,� once more. I wasn�t even mad anymore, I was just tired. That�s when we saw the funniest thing ever. As we were entering the elevator and our fans were still standing around in the lobby watching us, a guy in a baseball hat with his head bowed down walked right past them all. We all recognized him instantly, but not our fans. He was with a few people himself as they entered our elevator right before it closed.  
  
  
  
�What�s going on out there?� He asked one of his friends, oblivious to the fact that we were there with him.  
  
  
  
�That was for us.� Kevin said, followed by a �Hi Carson.�  
  
  
  
Carson looked up with glazed over eyes and smiled, I don�t think he had a clue who we were or who he was even. He looked like he was completely wasted. �Oh.�  
  
  
  
�Have a good night,� He said as he left the elevator.  
  
  
  
My cousin and AJ looked at each other and started laughing, �He�s such a tool!� They said in unison which got me going again. The five of us continued to laugh as we exited the elevator and said our goodnights.  
  
  
  
By the time I got back into the hotel room, my son was sound asleep across my wife�s lap as she read a book. The horrible day I had dissipated as I moved next to her and planted a kiss on her neck.  
  
  
  
  
  



	51. Chapter 51

****

**51  
  
  
Downtime**

  
  
  
  
  
I had a dream last night and it was by far the weirdest one I have ever had. Well, besides when I was six and dreamt about being chased down the hallways of my elementary school by a giant tamale. My brother said I was tossing and turning and screaming �don�t eat me!� I even threw my pillow across the room. Even now, when I eat a tamale I see its horrible fangs as it laughs in a sinister way.  
  
Wow, I think I�m hungry. I wonder if I can get room service to send me some tamales?  
  
Anyway, back to my dream. I was on stage with the boys and we were singing one of our newer songs, maybe it was Incomplete or Climbing the Walls. I grabbed the microphone off the stand and made my way towards the front of the stage. The crowd loves when we do stuff like that, get all nice and close to them. This time though, just as I looked up, everyone disappeared. The music was still blaring and the boys were still there with me, but we were playing to nobody. The feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when that happened stuck with me as I opened my eyes.  
  
It was a classic anxiety dream and I couldn�t help but wonder if it was going to be our new reality. After doing the press tour we did, I couldn�t help but feel that way. The press people made us feel that way. They made us feel like we weren�t worthy enough to still be doing this. I mean didn�t we know that there was an expiration date on boy bands? Why didn�t we take a cue from Nsync and 98 Degrees?  
  
I just wanted to be alone when we were done. I wasn�t in the mood to talk to anyone about any of it. I didn�t want a pep talk from Kevin or listen to a bitch session from AJ or Nick. What I needed was to sit quietly and process what had happened. I ended up just watching the business report on TV and falling asleep to that very weird dream.  
  
I hated waking up all anxious but that�s what happened. What if we were about to make a huge mistake? I mean this could really end our careers if everything didn�t go exactly right. Our album was coming out in less than a week, it was too late to turn back the clock and have a do-over. �Oh my God�I�m freaking out!� I decided to scream into my pillow. I�m glad no one was there to see that.  
  
�Everything alright Howie?� Okay well almost no one. I forgot my brother was here with me. He�s seen worse though.  
  
�Uh�yeah. I�m just freaking out a little bit.�  
  
He smiled at me, �I see that.�  
  
�I had an anxiety dream.�  
  
�Were any tamales involved?�  
  
�Nope, but I sure am craving some. I was thinking maybe room service. What do you think?�  
  
�Tamales for breakfast? Do they do that here?� He asked me as he rubbed at his chin; my brother�s way of showing me he�s putting a lot of thought into his words.  
  
�It�s New York�I�m sure they do.�  
  
�Excellent.�  
  
We were in New York City for the rest of the week leading up to our album release. When I found out we would have a day or two for free, I decided to try to get something going here for my foundation. With only a few calls here or there, we managed to set up a bowl-a-thon which was also a great way to get my family to come up and be with me. Johnny came the second I called him. He misses me, they all do.  
  
�What do you want to do today?� He asked me after getting off the phone with room service, �Oh and they said they�d send up some tamales. They are going to go get us some personally. I love this town.�  
  
I had to laugh at my brother�s enthusiasm. It�s been a long time since we�ve not been pampered in a hotel. That may sound vein to say but it�s only the truth. Still, whenever he joins me on the road he always has this wide-eyed kid�s view of things. I love my brother and after the last few days, I�m glad he was here with me.  
  
�That�s good to hear, and I don�t care it�s up to you. Whatever it is, let�s make it low key. After these interviews I don�t feel like seeing a ton of people.�  
  
�Howard�don�t let it all get to you man. The fans are what matter and boy Angie said they are bombarding her with calls for this bowling thing.�  
  
I smiled at Johnny, he was right. Sometimes I lose sight of the fans, the ones who never left us. The fact that they are always so willing to support everything I do, it�s really quite extraordinary. �Really?�  
  
�Yup, she said we have about ten tickets left.�  
  
�Wow, that�s awesome!� Maybe I should get the guys to show up for this thing as well. Imagine the look on the fan�s faces when I show up with the rest of the guys. �Maybe I�ll ask the rest of the guys to come.�  
  
�Think they will?� He asked as he went into the fridge and grabbed a Fresca out of there.  
  
�What is it with you and Fresca? You never drink that crap anywhere but hotels.�  
  
�Because I never see it anywhere but hotels.�  
  
�Do you even like that stuff?�  
  
�I don�t see how that�s relevant.� He said opening it up and chugging it, letting out a huge burp when he was done. It was so funny how much my brother and Nick had in common�.scary but funny.  
  
I just rolled my eyes at him and tried not to smile, �I am going to at least try to get Nicky and AJ to come. I know the girls will love that.�  
  
�Yes they would.� He agreed then looked down at his soda can, �Fresca sounds like your hot Italian lover�eh?� He winked at me and I cracked up.  
  
�You are nuts, you know that?�  
  
�Of course�so are you feeling better now? No more freaking out?�  
  
�No more freaking out, for now anyway.�  
  
He walked over and gave me a hug, �Good, because when you freak out little brother�I freak out.�  
  
�We can�t have that, can we?� I said, moving away from my brother�s embrace. His hug felt good, strong and reassuring. �When are Angie and Polly coming?� My anxiety about the dream I had earlier and just this CD in general, was beginning to go away now. I�m sure Johnny was responsible for that. Well, maybe Johnny and the tamales that managed to knock on my door. Well let�s hope it wasn�t the actual tamales because that would be odd and frankly very nightmare like.  
  
John moved to the rolling table and uncovered our breakfast while I dug through my pant pockets from last night for the tip. Why he couldn�t hand the guy some money was beyond me. After finally finding a crisp new ten dollar bill and handing it to the kid who was patiently waiting, my brother had already downed one of my tamales!  
  
�Hey! Slow down.�  
  
He looked at me and smiled, �Sorry�I�m hungry and to answer your question, Polly and Angie will be here tomorrow I think.�  
  
�Nice.� I sat down and finally helped myself to my breakfast.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
�Honey breakfast is here.� I opened my eyes when I heard my wife�s voice. I swear it felt like I just went to bed a few minutes ago. Sitting up I yawned as my eyes wandered towards the clock.  
  
�Wow it�s late.� I flung the covers off of me and hobbled over to the bathroom. At least that�s what Leigh calls it when I get out of bed first thing in the morning, my little morning hobble. With age comes hobbling I guess.  
  
�I thought you were going to sleep the day away,� She said as she lifted our son into his high chair, moving him closer to the food.  
  
I walked over and pat his head before kissing his cheek, �I must have been more tired than I thought.�  
  
She smiled and nodded at me, �I guess so�well I ordered us some eggs so dig in. We�re still checking out the Zoo today right?�  
  
Sitting down and yawning once again, I nodded at her. Secretly I would have loved nothing more than to just not do a thing today. The last thing I wanted was to be at a zoo amongst a lot of people who could potentially recognize me but just looking at my son�s face as he ate his pancake with his hands, made me change my mind. For Baylee, I could endure a few hours with screaming kids and monkeys. If I can endure Nick, I can endure that.  
  
Just thinking about Nick I remembered the little argument we had in the car last night. How he accused me of thinking I was better than him. �Do you think I�m pompous?� I blurted out. It seemed random and out of the blue.  
  
�Why do you ask? Did a DJ call you pompous?�  
  
I shook my head, �Nope, a good friend.�  
  
�Well, can�t be that good of a friend because he barely knows you. Brian, you are not pompous at all.�  
  
�Not even a little? Like I don�t come off looking like I�m better than anybody else?�  
  
�For the record, you ARE better than everybody else.� She said that with such an honest inflection in her voice, I couldn�t help but laugh at her.  
  
�Well, let�s keep that a secret between you and me then. I wouldn�t want anyone else thinking I was a pompous behind!�  
  
When I said the word behind my son laughed. Nice to know we have the same sense of humor. Still, I think when I�m done with breakfast I might give Nick a quick call to see if we could finish that conversation. Maybe being refreshed and more relaxed because of the few days off we have, we�ll be able to talk more candidly and I could get what�s really bothering him out in the open.  
  
�It was Nick wasn�t it?� She asked after catching me staring into space.  
  
I almost shook my head and lied to her, but decided not to, �Yeah.�  
  
�I knew it.�  
  
�He was just upset because I didn�t say anything about the Paris issue, you know weigh in like everyone else.�  
  
�You have your own reputation to protect. If he does something stupid, he should pay the consequences without the four of you coming to his rescue all the time.�  
  
It was at that moment that I realized my wife maybe thought that Nick could have done what he was accused of doing to Paris. �You think he did it, don�t you?� I asked her honestly then looked over at my son who was so occupied with his breakfast he hardly noticed his parents at all.  
  
�I don�t know Brian�sometimes yes I think he could do something like that. He has a hot enough temper. Tell me in the back of your mind you don�t think he�s capable of that.�  
  
�I can tell you from the back and the front of my mind, he�s not capable of that. He does have a horrible temper but he would never beat up on a girl Leigh. He loved her.�  
  
�That�s what a lot of abusers say Brian�I love her I would never hurt her.�  
  
I didn�t like how this conversation was going at all. In many ways it was so much worse than the one I had the night before. �I know him. I have known him for almost his entire life and I know if he did it, he would have told me or one of us. Nick isn�t capable of holding something like that in. He said he didn�t do it and I believe him. I wish you did too.  
  
�I don�t think he did it either, I�m just saying there was a moment of doubt, that�s all.� She admitted as she took a sip from her cup of coffee. There was an uncomfortable silence, one that often occurs when a fight about one of my friends comes up. Finally she finished her thought, �And if you do think he isn�t capable of it, then why didn�t you come to his defense?� She raised her eyebrow at me.  
  
�Because I�m a pompous ass,� I answered honestly.  
  
�Daddy said a bad word!�  
  
�Yes he did.� She smiled at me and I knew this whole thing was to get me to see things the way Nick did. I love my wife.  
  
�Excuse me a minute�� I said as I walked away and dialed Nick�s room.  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
�Nick�it�s the phone, wake up!� I didn�t want to open my eyes so I just ignored her, whoever she was. �Nick!� It�s hard to ignore someone when they are yelling in your ear though. �Nick!�  
  
�I hear it! Let it ring!� I shouted, not meaning to, but still.  
  
�What if it�s important?�  
  
�Then they�ll call back.� I turned and pulled the blankets over my face. I could tell I was going to have a major hangover from hell today. Thank GOD we had the day off.  
  
Have you seen my pants?� Okay this girl was beginning to annoy me. I don�t even remember how she got in here. I hope she came home with me and she�s not some random crazy pants less person looking to stab me with a letter opener.  
  
�No.� My eyes opened up when I wasn�t the one that answered her.  
  
�I know they were here somewhere because like duh� I was wearing pants when I got here, wasn�t I?� Girl number one�the phone obsessed one, said.  
  
�Yeah, check in the bathroom.� Girl number two answered.  
  
That�s when I decided to maybe sit up and figure out what kind of trouble, if any I had gotten myself into. Sure enough there were two gorgeous blondes in various states of undress, roaming around my room in search of pants.  
  
�Hey.� One of them said smiling at me as she roamed around looking for either her pants or the other girls. It was hard to tell since neither were wearing any. That�s when I decided to look down to see if I was and sure enough, I was naked as a jaybird down there.  
  
�Hey,� I answered trying to will my head not to fall off my shoulders. I hated moments like this. I mean I party a lot, but when I party so hard I don�t remember a thing, those moments scare the crap out of me.  
  
I recall coming back to the hotel after the day from hell and hating my life. I was just going to go to bed but then I had the urge to go out instead, so I remember calling Marcus and telling him that. We went to maybe two or three nightclubs I think. After that second one my memory was a little hazy. �So ladies, I take it we had a good time last night?� I asked. I know that was probably a stupid question but eh, what is the appropriate conversation starter with two naked strangers in your room? I think �so what about this crazy weather?� isn�t going to cut it.  
  
�We had a fabulous time Nick.� She said winking at me and blowing me a kiss. Well, at least that�s good to know.  
  
�I found them Liz! They were in the bathtub of all places.� The other blonde came out with two pairs of small leather pants. She threw one to Liz and then put the other pair over the chair.  
  
�Think we should order some breakfast? I�m starving.� The one with no name said to me. I felt bed, but I just wanted them to go away so I could go back to sleep. The thought of having food right now was just not working for me.  
  
�Can we Nick?� Liz asked.  
  
�How about I just give you guys some money and you can go out for whatever you want? I�m just still kind of wiped and want to crash.�  
  
�You throwing us out or something?� I have decided I do not like the one with no name.  
  
�No, I�m just offering to let you eat.� I was becoming self conscious of my nakedness now so I found myself looking around the bed for my boxers. �Were my boxers in the bathroom as well?� I asked the one with no name who was putting on her own pants.  
  
�No silly, you lit them on fire and then tossed them in the toilet, don�t you remember doing that?�  
  
�Uh�yeah, sure I do�of course�and why did I do that again?�  
  
Both girls laughed at me. �You were completely wasted last night.� Liz said.  
  
Uh, you think? I wanted to say but I knew better than to be a jerk to these two so I just laughed along with them. �Are you serious? Did I really do that?�  
  
�Yeah you did, right after you called Kevin�s room and told him you were going to do that.� Sweet mother of God, this just keeps getting worse and worse.  
  
�I hope you�re shitting me.�  
  
The one with no name started laughing, �Baby, I wish I was too, but I dared you to do it and then Charlene triple dog dared you so you finally did it.�  
  
�You dared me to call Kevin?� And if the other one was Liz and I still didn�t know this one�s name then who the hell was Charlene?  
  
�Yes and the next thing I know, you picked up the phone and called him.�  
  
�Did he answer?�  
  
They were amused by the way I was acting. I could tell I was fulfilling some of their inner fantasies by being scared that Kevin was going to bust my ass. But sorry�the last thing I needed on hangover day was a Kevin lecture, especially about setting things on fire in a drunken stupor.  
  
�I don�t know. You were talking to someone, so maybe he did?� Liz said with a shrug. I could tell she felt bad for laughing and for possibly taking advantage of my drunkenness unlike the other one. I�ll call her Busty McBoobies.  
  
�Okay, well then you guys better get going before he comes here and gives me a lecture.�  
  
�Awe how cute, he really does stuff like that, huh?�  
  
�Uh, yeah he does.� I wrapped the sheet around my body as I stood up and made my way to my wallet. I felt bad rushing them off, well Liz anyway. She seemed like a nice enough person.  
  
I went in my wallet and grabbed the last $50 I had. I could swear I had almost $500 in there last night before I went out. Jesus I�m out of control. I handed it to Liz and smiled at her, �I�m glad we had fun last night. Go out and have a great breakfast and maybe I�ll catch you girls next time I�m in town.�  
  
She took the money and I could tell she was having a crisis of conscience about whether or not to except. If she declined I would have found her tonight and taken her out for a real dinner, maybe gotten to know her better. This was always a vital test for me, whether or not they can be bought off.  
  
She nodded and put the fifty in her pocket. �Thanks.� She said coming over and giving me a kiss on the cheek. Ah well, maybe AJ will be free for dinner tonight.  
  
�Have fun� I said to Busty as she came over and slapped me on the ass, trying her best to move the sheet away as she did.  
  
�You shouldn�t cover yourself up like that.� She said, winking at me. She seemed like a complete bitch but I bet the sex with her was amazing.  
  
�Come on Tara.� Liz said as she pulled �Tara� out of the room.  
  
My phone rang again but I ignored it, especially because I was damned sure it would be Kevin. I can�t believe I called Kevin and why the hell did I set my boxers on fire?  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
�Kevin, come back to bed.�  
  
I looked over at Kris who was rolled in her sheets so tightly she looked like a pig in a blanket. A sexy one�Ack! I�m glad I didn�t say that out loud. That�s definitely one of those things we as men would mean as a compliment but would totally be taken the wrong way by the ladies. �I am trying to get Nick on the phone.�  
  
�You really think he�s awake? I mean he was wasted last night, wasn�t he?�  
  
�Yeah,� I said as I dialed his number once again. I hated getting calls in the middle of the night from anybody. When someone called you after 2 in the morning, nothing good would come from that conversation. It usually meant something bad had happened. I remember once when I was a kid, my mother got a call after midnight about my brother Gerald being in a car accident. The way she screamed when she got that call was enough to send shivers down my spine whenever I heard the phone ring that late. As I got older the time I would worry would get later and later, but after 2 in the morning, a phone call usually meant bad news and Nick�s call came at almost 3 A.M.  
  
He was so drunk he was slurring his words. I was just grateful to know he was calling from his hotel room and not some random bar somewhere in New York City. I knew he was going to get wasted, in fact once I got into the hotel those were the first words I said to my wife. �He�s going to get stupid drunk tonight.�  
  
We both actually thought about inviting him out with us, but since it had been awhile since we had one on one time, we decided to just go out alone. By the time we got back, I asked our security if Nick had left and sure enough, he had.  
  
�I�m sure he�s okay�come back to bed.�  
  
�He was setting things on fire in his room last night.�  
  
�The alarms didn�t go off.�  
  
�Doesn�t mean he didn�t manage to hurt himself or someone else.�  
  
�Honey...bed�NOW!� that made me drop the phone and climb into bed with her. I knew how to take orders, especially from Mrs. Richardson.  
  
�What do you want to do today?� I asked her once I managed to wrap my arms into her little pig�s blanket.  
  
�How about we just lay in bed all day today? Order room service, watch movies and not do a damn thing. Let�s not even answer the phone or the door.�  
  
I kissed the nape of her neck, �Sounds good to me. I�m so glad you came out, I really needed you here.�  
  
She turned to face me and smiled, �I needed you too.�  
  
In a perfect world, we could do this all the time. Just lay in bed staring at each other together, but this wasn�t a perfect world and finding the time to do stuff like this was getting harder and harder with every year and every album we made. I wanted her to be able to come on the road with me for this tour but now that her career was picking up, there was no way she would find the time. I hated that.  
  
�Are you sure you can�t come out with me? Even for a week?�  
  
�Kevin, you promised me you wouldn�t talk about this at all while I was here.� She put her finger on my mouth.  
  
�I know, and I�m sorry, I just miss you, that�s all.�  
  
�Well, I�m here now.�  
  
I raised my eyebrow at her and smiled, �I love you Kris.�  
  
�I love you too Kevin and I know you want to go call Nick again, so go ahead, I promise I won�t have sex with anyone until you get back.�  
  
�Nick can wait�� I said as I put my head under the covers and mounted my wife.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	52. Chapter 52

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**52  
  
  
  
  
  
Just stuff�.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
�Nick that by far is the stupidest thing you have ever done dude!� AJ smiled as he said that.  
  
  
  
�Really? Because I�m pretty sure he�s done far more stupid things.� Howie, now he�s always one to come to my defense�.riiight.  
  
  
  
�Uh yeah, like falling out a window answering his cell phone?� Brian, even you dawg? What is up today?  
  
  
  
�Are you guys done making fun of me?� I had a headache and didn�t feel much like hearing all the ways the guys thought I was an idiot. There would be plenty of time for that after breakfast. I mean it was still early, by noon I�m sure I�d give them at least a dozen more reasons to call me a dumbass. Supposedly word got out that I set my boxers on fire. News travels fast, I wonder if I�ll read about it in a tabloid or something?  
  
  
  
AJ came over and pat me on the leg, �Relax�.we�re only playing. Jeez someone woke up on the cranky side of the bed.�  
  
  
  
�Yeah with two naked girls on the other side of the bed! How much did they cost you?�  
  
  
  
�Shut up Howie, you�re just jealous. You couldn�t get two girls in bed at the same time if you had peanut butter smeared all over your ass!�  
  
  
  
�What the hell?� AJ said in a half laugh, like he could come up with something better than that.  
  
  
  
�Oh my God, someone quick poke me in the eyes to get that image out of my head!�  
  
  
  
�Ha ha! Very funny Brian�and kid just remember who the king of the one night stand was� before Leigh anyway.� Howie said with his confident wink. He is under some kind of delusion that he is a stud.  
  
  
  
�Whatever�you all suck!� I decided it was best to maybe walk away from them all and drink my coffee in peace. Well actually until Kevin comes in and rips it out of my hands telling me caffeine is no good for me before touring. �Where is Kevin?� I asked just out of sheer curiosity. I would have been fine if he never surfaced today. I wasn�t in the mood to deal with him. In fact I wasn�t in the mood to deal with anyone.  
  
  
  
�No idea, he�s not answering his phone. I left him a message.� Howie answered while stirring his tea.  
  
  
  
�If that was me��  
  
  
  
�We know Nick�we know!�  
  
  
  
�So, what�s on the agenda today? Please Lord, tell me no more interviews!� I took another chug of coffee followed by a Munchkin. We have gotten into the habit of buying a box of donut holes to have for breakfast. It was really AJ�s idea. Probably the only good one he�s ever had. He said there was no way Kevin could come up with why having a few Munchkins would damage us forever. He was right. Kevin never said a word about them. Of course we also made a habit of hiding the box and putting them in a brown paper bag. Yes, it�s gotten to the point that we are treating sweets as heroine and I guess if anyone knows how to hide that stuff it would be AJ. And no I didn�t say that to be mean, I�m only stating facts here. He has said so himself, many times.  
  
  
  
Howie took a small sip of his tea and then made a face, more like a grimace really. I think it was his �this is too hot to drink� face. �No interviews today�only a meeting and then we are off!�  
  
  
  
�Hallelujah!� Brian and I said at the same time. Well I said it, he sung it. He sings everything; you�d think he was a singer or something.  
  
  
  
�Maybe we can make this meeting an extra short one!� I said, looking at my watch. Not that I had anything to do or anywhere to be. When those girls left my room this morning, I was sure I had the entire day off. We all thought we did and then no, Johnny has to call and tell us differently. All I wanted was to go back to bed! Me likie my bed�me likie very much!  
  
  
  
�We aren�t going to even have a meeting if Kevin doesn�t get his arse down here!�  
  
  
  
�Did AJ just say arse?�  
  
  
  
�Yes Brian, I just said arse.�  
  
  
  
�That reminds me of zebras for some reason.�  
  
  
  
�What? Why Howie?�  
  
  
  
�I have no idea�I�m just saying.�  
  
  
  
�You are so weird.� I shook my head at my little weird Latino friend.  
  
  
  
�You know it�s bad when this one calls you weird.� AJ said pointing at me.  
  
  
  
�Oh excuse me, like you are the poster child for normalcy?�  
  
  
  
�Stop fighting kids!� Brian put his arms in a T shape, �Where is Johnny anyway? Don�t tell me he calls a meeting then doesn�t show up.�  
  
  
  
�Maybe he went to go drag Kevin out of bed. Remember when he used to do that to me?�  
  
  
  
Back when I was a kid, there were many days when we had meetings and I would much rather lie in bed and watch cartoons or play video games. Kevin would call me and I would say �just five more minutes�� then of course Brian the entire time would keep trying to coax me out of bed with promises of a basketball game or a trip to the first arcade we saw. I used to believe that but quickly smartened up when time after time, he found ways of getting out of it. When neither of those things worked, they would call in the big guns. Back then the biggest gun was Johnny. He would come into my room and pull me by my legs right out of bed until I fell on the floor.  
  
  
  
The guys got a huge kick out of it, but it used to bug me. I would scream �This is child abuse!� which would further escalate the giggling amongst my band members. You know what? They really all do suck!  
  
  
  
Anyway, the point I�m getting at here is Johnny was mean as hell back then. I don�t think he liked me much when I was a kid. Maybe he just hated his job though, who knows?  
  
  
  
�Yes I remember�this is child abuse!� Brian mimicked my voice, my before puberty one. He loves doing that.  
  
  
  
�Well�it WAS!� I rolled my eyes at them all.  
  
  
  
�He better get here soon, I have a lot of stuff to do before my bowl-a-thon tomorrow.� I definitely didn�t like the way Howie looked at me after he said that. He�s so going to ask me to come to his fundraiser and I SO do not feel like going. Of course our eyes locked right at that moment. Damn, now he�s really going to ask me.  
  
  
  
�Maybe someone should try calling Kevin again. Nick, maybe you should, this way you can rub it in that he�s not down here yet.� AJ suggested.  
  
  
  
�Uh�no thanks.�  
  
  
  
�I say we give them about ten more minutes before we call this meeting adjourned.� I nodded at Brian and his brilliant idea. �I�m supposed to take Baylee to the zoo today.� I smiled at the way he said that. He sounded so excited. �AJ, are you doing anything today? You know you�re more than welcome to tag along.� He called across the room to J who was otherwise preoccupied staring at his fingernails.  
  
  
  
�Don�t you just want to have a family day?� He finally answered, when I guess his fingers began to bore him.  
  
  
  
�Eh�well you are family, aren�t you?�  
  
  
  
I was trying to not let this conversation bother me, but it was, so much so that I found myself wanting to leave the room. Don�t get me wrong, if Brian invited me to the zoo I most likely would have said no, but I wasn�t even thought of in that way.  
  
  
  
�I�m going out to get some air.� I said to them all, not that any of them really cared one way or the other.  
  
  
  
As I walked out the door, I couldn�t help but think �that used to be me.� I hated being jealous of AJ.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
�What about you D? You and John want to come to the zoo?�  
  
  
  
�No thanks, we�re going to be getting things sorted out for my event tomorrow.�  
  
  
  
�Oh that�s right.�  
  
  
  
�You guys should come bowling, it�ll be fun.� I made sure to look directly at AJ when I said that. Of course he looked down at the ground instantly.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, maybe�� Brian answered.  
  
  
  
�I�m going out to bug Nicky.� I said.  
  
  
  
�Tell him he can come to the zoo too if he wants.� Brian was suddenly a zoo crazed lunatic, but that�s also when I realized Nicky�s abrupt exit had everything to do with just that.  
  
  
  
�I�ll be sure to mention it.� I said as I walked out the door. Sometimes we acted like a bunch of twelve year olds.  
  
  
  
When I got out there, Nicky was sitting hunched down next to the wall. He kind of looked funny, as if he was going to take a dump right there on the pavement. Thankfully he had his pants on otherwise I would have given him some privacy.  
  
  
  
�Hey.� I said walking over and squatting down next to him. I�m sure we looked silly.  
  
  
  
�Oh, hey D!�  
  
  
  
�You okay? You seem kind of cranky today.�  
  
  
  
�I had a bad night and I�m slightly hung-over.�  
  
  
  
�Slightly?� I raised my eyebrow at him. Slightly was the understatement of the year. The boy was wasted last night, or so I hear.  
  
  
  
�Okay very hung-over, there�you happy?�  
  
  
  
�Ecstatic.�  
  
  
  
�Great, glad to know I could help.�  
  
  
  
�Brian said he wants you to go to the zoo with him.�  
  
  
  
�Brian can kiss my ass!� He muttered this under his breath. Yup, twelve year olds.  
  
  
  
�Do we have to smear peanut butter on it first?�  
  
  
  
He laughed at that. �Shut up.� He playfully tried to push me over and he almost succeeded. It�s not easy to keep your balance when you�re hunched over you know.  
  
  
  
�So, what kind of plans do you have for tomorrow?� I asked him as I finally decided to get out of the ridiculous position I was in and stood upright. I gave him my hand to help him up and he took it.  
  
  
  
�Uh�I think I have stuff to do.�  
  
  
  
�Like what?�  
  
  
  
�Uh�I don�t remember�just stuff�kind of.�  
  
  
  
�Stuff�kind of?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah�you know�stuff.�  
  
  
  
�Because I think everyone would be so excited if you were to show up to my event tomorrow.� He let out a sigh, he knew that was coming. �I mean, its bowling and it�ll be a lot of fun. We�ll have pizza and ice cream!�  
  
  
  
He thought that was hilarious for some reason, �Wow pizza AND ice cream?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, you can even make your own sundaes!� I figured I�d play into it for him. The kid was having a bad day.  
  
  
  
�Wow, maybe I�ll have to think about it then.�  
  
  
  
I nodded at him, �I�m going to try to get AJ to come as well.�  
  
  
  
�If J comes then I will too!�  
  
  
  
�Okay good�� I winked at him and placed my hand on his shoulder. �See you inside.� I added as I walked back into the building just as Brian walked out. We were the revolving door Backstreet Boys. In and out�in and out. Wow that made us sound gay. We�re not gay�I was just pretending to be a one of those revolving doors, you know what I mean?  
  
  
  
When I got in there, Johnny had just arrived. He was holding a huge notebook which meant more appearances and or schedule changes. �We�re going to get started in about ten minutes or so.� He said to me as I walked past him and back into the room with all the food.  
  
  
  
�Okay.� I answered as I glanced over at AJ. I really need to talk to him about the bowling thing, although I might need to be more persuasive besides mentioning ice cream.  
  
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
You know if and when I die, okay well I guess it�s when I die and not if because if implies I plan on living forever and I know I�m not immortal. Although sometimes I wonder, especially with all the stupid stuff I have put my body through. Maybe I am immortal.  
  
  
  
Nah�  
  
  
  
So when I die, if by chance I happen to go to hell, this would be it right here, waiting for meetings. I HATE waiting for meetings. I don�t enjoy the actual meetings either but it�s the waiting that bugs me more than any friggin� thing in the world! I could have slept for at least another hour. I could have danced around naked on my bed. I could have done just about anything I wanted to but NO, instead here I am sitting and waiting for a meeting to begin. Oh goodie and here comes Howie.  
  
  
  
He sat next to me and smiled, �Hey J!�  
  
  
  
�Hi.�  
  
  
  
�Johnny said the meeting will be starting in ten minutes.�  
  
  
  
�Oh, okay well it�s about time!� I knew he was going to ask me about his bowling thing, I could feel it.  
  
  
  
�I was wondering if you weren�t too busy tomorrow if you�d like to come to bowl with us. Nicky said he�d come if you came.�  
  
  
  
�He did?� Ugh Nick! Thanks for leaving it up to me!  
  
  
  
�Yeah�so what do you say?�  
  
  
  
�If Nick does it then I will too.�  
  
  
  
�Excellent!�  
  
  
  
�What do you think this meeting is about anyway?� I let out a sigh as I asked that. Howie just laughed at me because he already knows my hell theory when it comes to meetings. I do believe I say that every single time we have one of these.  
  
  
  
�If I had to guess, I�d say he�s changing some things. He has his notebook with him.�  
  
  
  
�Good God, not THE notebook.�  
  
  
  
�Yes, the one and only.�  
  
  
  
THE notebook was something we didn�t really enjoy seeing. Whenever Johnny pulled that thing out, it usually meant no more free time for us or more recently, Jive was doing something yet again to screw us over. Either way, the notebook was never a good sign.  
  
  
  
�Great! And where the hell is Kevin? I am not waiting any longer for this meeting to start because he can�t get his own ass out of bed!�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure he�s on the way.� Howie said that just as Johnny walked into the room with THE notebook.  
  
  
  
�Where are Brian and Nick?� He asked as he threw the thing down on the table.  
  
  
  
Suddenly I found myself standing up to get the hell out of that room, �I�ll go get them.� I volunteered which left Howie with a shocked look on his face.  
  
  
  
When I walked out the door it dawned on me that Johnny didn�t mention Kevin at all. Maybe that meant the he was on his way down or something. What the hell ever, I just want this thing to get underway.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys!� I said as I walked out the door. �The meeting is about to start up.� Both Nick and Brian looked at me as if I interrupted something.  
  
  
  
�Oh, okay. We�ll be right there.� Brian said, glancing over at Nick who didn�t look very happy. Damn, I always miss the good stuff.  
  
  
  
�Are we good?� Brian asked which only escalated my curiosity.  
  
  
  
Nick nodded, �Yeah. Tell Johnny I�ll be there in a second, I need to pee.�  
  
  
  
�Sure thing.� I replied as Nick went inside. �What was all that about?� I asked Brian once Nick was out of ear�s range.  
  
  
  
�Just stuff.�  
  
  
  
�Stuff?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, stuff. Not a big deal.�  
  
  
  
�Are you sure, because he didn�t look happy.�  
  
  
  
�AJ, it�s not a big deal, just some unfinished words we had yesterday. It�s all good, stop being nosy!� He knocked my baseball cap off of my head and smiled at me. �Baldy!� He added, like he has so much more hair than I do.  
  
  
  
�Who you calling bald?�  
  
  
  
�I is calling you bald! Now let�s go before we get yelled at!�  
  
  
  
I nodded as I followed Rok into the building.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
�Beware, Johnny has THE book with him.� AJ whispered to me.  
  
  
  
�Oh great, what do you think he�s changing this time? We can�t keep changing the schedule around. I have a family.�  
  
  
  
�You do? I never noticed.� AJ answered sarcastically before continuing, �I don�t know�maybe Jive isn�t happy with the CD.�  
  
  
  
�It�s too late; it�s already printed, isn�t it?� I asked.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I thought so.� AJ answered.  
  
  
  
�Then they�ll never go back and change anything, they�re too cheap.� Sometimes my disdain for our record company was a little overwhelming.  
  
  
  
�I guess we�re about to find out.� AJ said as he opened the door for us and led us into the room.  
  
  
  
�Hey guys, where�s Nick?� Johnny asked as he flipped through his notebook.  
  
  
  
�Bathroom,� I answered.  
  
  
  
The old me wanted to go check on him, make sure he was okay. I�m not sure how our conversation so quickly escalated into a lecture but it did. Leigh would have been disappointed. I wanted to finish our conversation about me being better than him, so what do I do? Lecture him instead. I was mad though, when Howie told me what he heard about Nick setting things on fire in his room, I just lost it! We were in the next room for goodness sakes! What if the fire had gone out of control? He could have put my family at risk because of his drunken stupor.  
  
  
  
My anger only grew when he insisted he had no recollection of what had happened. How do you set your own clothes on fire and not remember that? How wasted do you have to be? Or worse yet, was there anything else he was on that prevented him from remembering?  
  
  
  
The look on his face as I was yelling at him, and I do admit my voice did grow louder and louder as I was speaking, got more and more solemn looking. He so reminded me of what he used to be like as a tween. If I ever got angry at him he would be so upset. He was so used to Kevin yelling at him and lecturing him. Same with his parents, but when I did it for some reason it hit close to home.  
  
  
  
Maybe it would work this time.  
  
  
  
�What about Kevin?� I looked up when Howie asked that, not realizing that I had been staring at the table.  
  
  
  
�He�s not coming.� Johnny answered before flipping another page.  
  
  
  
�What?� Everyone looked over at me, surprised by the tone of my voice. I wasn�t happy and I guess it showed.  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I talked to him and he said he can�t come.�  
  
  
  
�Why?�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know Brian�he didn�t elaborate. He just said he had some stuff to do.�  
  
  
  
�Stuff?�  
  
  
  
�Yes, just stuff.�  
  
  
  
�Well then why are we here? We all have stuff to do, I�m sure my cousin isn�t the only one with stuff to do!�  
  
  
  
�Brian, when was the last time Kevin missed a meeting?�  
  
  
  
I looked over at Johnny and answered honestly, �He�s never missed one before.�  
  
  
  
�Exactly�cut him some slack.�  
  
  
  
I glanced over at AJ, trying to read his face, see if I was the only one annoyed about this. It was hard to tell though because AJ was annoyed about everything meeting related. Howie didn�t seem to mind one way or the other. Okay, I guess it�s just me being a jerk again, so I dropped it.  
  
  
  
Nick finally made his way into the room and quietly sat in a corner away from everyone. He still looked upset so I gave him a small smile. He didn�t look at me though. �What�s going on Johnny?� I decided to ask because someone had to, right?  
  
  
  
He paused for a second and then let out a sigh, both of those things are usually not good, but then he smiled and suddenly I felt relief. �Sorry guys but I wanted to give you all one of these today. They just came over by courier this morning.� He went into his bag and pulled out our brand new CD then proceeded to pass one down to each of us.  
  
  
  
�It looks great and sounds great! You guys did great.� He said with a big smile on his face.  
  
  
  
I took the CD in my hands and looked it over. The front cover had this uniquely antique look about it. I�m so glad we went with that idea over the other ones we were presented with.  
  
  
  
�I like the fan collage.� Howie said as he glanced at the back.  
  
  
  
�Code again Nick?� AJ asked with eyebrows raised.  
  
  
  
�Yeah,� he answered. One word answer Nick is still a sad, brooding Nick.  
  
  
  
�Congratulations boys! Meeting adjourned!� Johnny winked at us.  
  
  
  
�So, what�s the deal with THE notebook?� I asked him.  
  
  
  
�Oh, I just thought I�d bring it to scare the crap out of you guys!�  
  
  
  
�Nice.� I answered, very happy to know that plans didn�t change. I was still put off by the fact that Kevin didn�t even bother to show up. It seemed unlike him, but maybe Johnny let him know it really wasn�t a big deal.  
  
  
  
As we were leaving AJ came over to me and held up the CD, �I think we did it again�� He sang in his best Britney voice.  
  
  
  
�I�m glad you left out the oops!� He laughed at that.  
  
  
  
�See ya later! Have fun at the zoo with the family.�  
  
�We will.�  
  
  
  
Nick tried to walk past me but I stopped him, �Hey�you okay?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah...� He answered.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry I yelled.�  
  
  
  
�I deserved it.�  
  
  
  
�You want to come to the zoo with us? I know Bay would love to have you there.� As the words were coming out of my mouth my brain was already trying to come up with excuses to give to my wife as to why I was inviting him.  
  
  
  
�Nah, I think I�m just going to lay low today. Hang in the hotel, maybe watch some movies and catch up on sleep. Thanks for the offer though.� He knew.  
  
  
  
I nodded at him and watched as he walked out the door.  
  
  
  
�Have fun today.� Howie said.  
  
  
  
�You too D.�  
  
  
  
�Never Gone�� He said as he looked down at the CD.  
  
  
  
�We did it.� I answered.  
  
  
  
�Yup, indeed we did. Too bad Kevin had stuff to do.� He winked at me and smiled.  
  
  
  
For some reason, the fact that Kevin missed a meeting really bothered me but I tried not to dwell on it too much. Leigh will be relieved that our plans didn�t have to be cancelled today. I am relieved too and with that thought in mind, I took my CD and the left over Munchkins and headed back to my room.  
  



	53. Chapter 53

****

**53  
  
Never Gone**

  
  
I didn�t want to get out of bed and start my day. I just didn�t feel like it. This was it, the last real breather before the new album and everything that came with it. I let out a sigh a little louder than I would have liked.  
  
�What�s wrong honey?� I felt Kristin wrap her arms around my torso as she rolled over to spoon her body with mine. It�s funny but the first time we ever did that, I turned to her and said we were the perfect fit. It was like two puzzle pieces just kind of finding each other.  
  
�Just not looking forward to it I guess.� It made me sad to say that because no matter how tired I grew of this business and all the crap that came with it, when it came time to start something fresh I was always excited. Not this time though, there was something different about this time.  
  
�I�m sorry to hear that baby, but I�m sure once you really get into things, you�ll feel that excitement again.�  
  
I turned around and faced her, placing my arm under my head and holding myself up. �What if I don�t?�  
  
She sat up and pulled her long hair back as if to make a ponytail, �Then maybe you should start re-evaluating your situation.�  
  
I nodded at her, �This is all I�ve really ever known Kris, but I don�t know�I want to be happy but I don�t want to leave you.�  
  
That brought a smile to her face and she leaned over and gave me a kiss, �I know you don�t, but like I said�once you start, you�ll feel differently.� And with that being said she winked at me and got out of bed. I guess that was my cue to move as well.  
  
I stood up and stretched. My bones cracked as if I was a seventy year old man. How on earth was I supposed to dance every single day for the next year? I was getting to old for this and maybe that was the problem. I mean, I�m a guy in relatively good shape but I�m not as young as I used to be. When I was Nick�s age I always felt like nothing could bring me down. I could do an entire show and then have enough energy left over to go down to the gym and workout or jump into the pool and do some laps. Those days are long gone now.  
  
I walked over to the nightstand and picked up the copy of our CD that Johnny sent up to the room after I told him I would be a no show for the meeting. I liked the look of it, but it was the sound I was more interested in. That was another thing that changed about this time around. All our other albums, the first thing I did when I got it was run to the CD player and put it on full blast. Not because I was an ego maniac or anything, but because I was that proud of our accomplishment. I wanted to hear what a year or sometimes more of recording ended up sounding like all in one pop. We always listened together as a group, but I would sneak a listen first before that happened. I would listen and be so critical of every little thing, �Brian was off right there�or Nick missed a word or AJ babbled etc... I was always most critical of myself though. I�d wince if I heard even the slightest glitch in my voice. It used to drive me crazy.  
  
When this one showed up at the front door, I didn�t even care. I took it from the guy, said thanks and placed it right there on the night stand. I wasn�t at all excited to hear it because in my head I knew I�d be hearing it for the next year or so.  
  
I flipped it around in my hand and finally opened it up. �I�m going to order us some breakfast, what do you want to eat?� Kris asked as she came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.  
  
�You pick.� I answered, still eyeing the CD.  
  
�Are you sure because you always say that but when the food comes��  
  
�Okay, just yogurt and fruit.�  
  
She nodded at me, �See? I would have gone for bacon and eggs.�  
  
�Liar.� I said to her, smiling. She always makes me smile. Thank God for her.  
  
�I�m going to take a shower; you think you can handle the room service thing?�  
  
�I�ll manage.� I walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  
  
�Are you going to listen to that?� She asked me, pointing to the CD in my hand.  
  
�I was thinking about it, but I�d much rather join you in the shower.�  
  
�You have to stay out here and wait for our food young man.� She winked at me, walked over to the bathroom and making sure to drop her towel so I could see her silhouette; she blew a kiss at me and closed the door. My wife is such a tease.  
  
I glanced down at the CD once more as I walked over to the bed. We worked so hard on this thing. When I think back to the beginning, all of us going out to LA to work together, no wives or outside distractions, I was so hesitant about this thing. I really didn�t think it was going to happen. That seems like such a long time ago.  
  
My phone rang which almost made me jump out of my skin. When I�m in deep thought I tend to block everything else out. �Hello?�  
  
�Hey Kevin.� It was Brian. I knew he would call the second I decided to not go to that meeting.  
  
�Hey Brian, what�s up?�  
  
�Nothing much�just making sure everything is okay. We missed you at the meeting.�  
  
�Yeah, I�m good. I know�Johnny said it wasn�t really a meeting anyway, nothing important. He sent the CD up to my room�  
  
�Well call me crazy, but I think our CD is pretty important, don�t you?� He laughed, but it was one of those I�m annoyed at you, type laughs, nothing ha-ha about it.  
  
�Of course that�s important but sometimes you just gotta say no.�  
  
He hesitated, I could tell he wanted to say more to me, but instead he changed the subject, �So, did you listen to it yet?� He asked.  
  
�No, I have it in my hands as we speak though. I was just about to put it in. Have you listened to it?�  
  
�Some of it.�  
  
�And?�  
  
�It�s good, I like the order they put things in.� He answered.  
  
�Yeah, I was noticing that too.�  
  
�Kevin, is everything really okay?�  
  
�Brian I missed one meeting, the world will not end.�  
  
�I know but it�s kind of unlike you man.�  
  
�Well maybe I�m taking a different approach. I�m going to go Nick this time around� you know just try to be laid back and relax, occasionally dance around my room naked and destroy things.�  
  
�We don�t need another Nick.�  
  
I laughed, just trying to picture myself as carefree as my band mate. �Tell me about it.�  
  
�So, it�s all good then?�  
  
�Brian everything is awesome.�  
  
�Good�Leigh and I are taking Baylee to the zoo today. You and Kris are welcome to join us if you�d like.�  
  
�Thanks for the offer but I think we are just going to take in a show and relax or something. You guys have fun though.�  
  
After hanging up with my cousin, I finally moved over to the CD player, popped in our new one and pressed play. Hearing the first few strands of Incomplete coming through the speakers didn�t leave me feeling exhilarated, it left me feeling tired.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
�Are you going to the zoo?�  
  
I looked over at Nick and shook my head. �No, I�m not in the mood to hang out with functional people today. So, what are you up to?� He got a kick out of that just like I knew he would.  
  
�Oh I see, I�m in the mood to hang with someone who makes me look good so let me pick Nick. Is that how it goes AJ?� He asked me using his high mocking voice he uses when he thinks he�s being insulted.  
  
�Pretty much, yeah.� I was quick to answer.  
  
He stuck his middle finger up at me but in all honesty I was just in the mood to hang out with Nick. It happens from time to time. Besides, sometimes I think he just needs someone to keep him out of trouble and for some reason that was kind of the mode he was in, the �I�m going to get myself into trouble� mode.  
  
While he was in the bad boy frame of mind, I was in the melancholy one. I don�t know why but I was kind of sad. After the initial excitement of seeing our CD, I just found myself getting depressed.  
  
Being sober for all of this sometimes isn�t what it�s cracked up to be. That probably sounded horrible. Don�t get me wrong, I would never ever want to go back to that kind of life ever again, but when I was a complete and total mess, I didn�t really care or think about much else but getting drunk and or high. Nowadays though, I can�t help but think with a clear head and lately my brain kept going to one thing and that was how alone I was feeling.  
  
I mean I look at Kevin and he had his gorgeous wife here to share in the moment. Brian had his perfect family and hell Howie brought up just about everyone he was related to. My mother and her husband are here in town but they are too preoccupied with each other to care about me. Wow, that made me sound like a total spoiled brat huh? It�s true though; my mother has barely even mentioned this new CD and for some reason it was beginning to really hurt me.  
  
I had made all these plans for the three of us today but when they woke up, they decided they were going to go do their own thing and meet up with me later on for dinner. I guess that�s fine, but I was in an anxious mood. I didn�t want to be alone.  
  
�What do you want to do?� I looked up at Nick who was staring at me.  
  
�I don�t know.�  
  
�We could go mug people.� The way he said that, people that didn�t know him would think he was dead serious.  
  
�Yes, we could do that I suppose.� I shrugged at him. What the hell did I feel like doing?  
  
�Where are the mom and new dad?� He asked me as he motioned for me to follow him up into the elevators. A small crowd of fans were beginning to gather outside and I think like me, he wasn�t much in the mood to deal with them.  
  
�Out and about.�  
  
�Oh, I see. Does that bother you?� He pushed the button to our floor right as a few fans started running for the elevator. We both made sure to wave and smile at them as if we hadn�t noticed them and were disappointed we were leaving.  
  
�Why do you ask?� I asked him just as the doors closed.  
  
�You seem unhappy about something. Did Howie pee in your Cheerios again?�  
  
�Where the hell do you come up with this stuff Nick?�  
  
He shrugged at me, �It�s a gift I guess.� He was anxious too, I could tell by the way he was biting on his bottom lip and fidgeting like he had to go the bathroom.  
  
�I�m just feeling lonely.� I confessed to him as we landed on our floor and stepped out of the elevator.  
  
�We can always go babe hunting you know, I mean in the lobby alone we have our pick of adoring fans.� Yup, he was in prime self destruction mode. He was probably feeling as alone as I was. I could tell by the inflection of his voice. Wow, sometimes it scares me how well we know each other. That�s when it really dawned on me that he had no one at all to turn to for this big milestone. No one even cared enough to call him from his own family. No wonder he was in the frame of mind he was in.  
  
�Maybe later,� I said as I opened the door to my room. There was no way we were going to hang out in his room with all the alcohol he probably had lying around in there.  
  
�So, are we going to go to Howie�s thing?� He asked me, quickly making himself comfortable on the bed.  
  
�I don�t know�what do you think?�  
  
�I�m not sure I�m in the mood to be with his fans.�  
  
�I�m sure they are our fans too Nick.�  
  
�I don�t know about those Howie people. Most of them hate my guts.�  
  
�Howie people?�  
  
�Yeah�.you got anything to eat in here?� He stood up and moved to my fridge.  
  
�I don�t know if I�m in the mood either. He�ll hate us if we bail on him.�  
  
�I want Burger King!�  
  
�You are being the king of random today Frackolas.�  
  
�Sorry�I�m hungry.�  
  
�I get that.�  
  
�Let�s go to BK then.�  
  
�Do you think that�s wise with that crowd outside?� He stood and thought about this for a few minutes. I mean really thought, I actually saw his brain working.  
  
�We could always send one of them to get it for us.�  
  
�What? You mean a fan to do a food run for us?� He was amusing me. This was exactly why I wanted to hang out with him today. I think I needed the comic relief.  
  
�Think about it AJ. We can invite them up and they�ll think we�re about to have hot sex then we�ll ask them for Double Whoppers with cheese!� He started laughing really hard which made me do the same. He�s such a retard.  
  
�Wow you think you�re hilarious, don�t cha?� I asked him as I laughed right along with him.  
  
�I am.�  
  
�Shit, now you have me wanting Burger King, damn you Carter!�  
  
�Do you think this album will do well AJ?� He was all over the place today.  
  
�I don�t know Nick.�  
  
�This one feels different somehow, doesn�t it? I mean from all the other ones.�  
  
�It does for me because I can actually remember recording it.� He rolled his eyes at me. Sometimes I think they get tired of my whole �I�m no longer an alcoholic� thing.  
  
�I don�t mean that, I mean�well�� He stopped for a second and sat up, brushing his hands through his hair before continuing on, �Just that whenever we got our new CD, we all just kind of stayed together. We would all listen to it, order pizza and hang out. You do remember that, don�t you?�  
  
I nodded at him, of course I remembered. It was something I always looked forward to. He was right we didn�t even talk about doing that this time around. We all scattered away from each other, quick to go back to our regular lives. I looked over at him, �We can always listen together. It would give us something to do, right?�  
  
He gave me a small smile, �Right.� He answered.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
�And we can order a pizza like always, this way we don�t have to bother one of our fans to go on a Burger King run for us.� AJ joked. He was mocking me. So sue me, I thought it was a good idea. I know for a fact anyone in that lobby would have been pleased as punch to get us some food.  
  
�Sounds good to me.� I said, laying back down on his bed and putting my arms under my head. �I wonder if the other three even bothered to listen to it.� I sat up again. I was restless. I hated feeling this way.  
  
�You know Kevin has probably listened to it ten times by now.� AJ answered throwing me over a choice of three pizza place menus we could order from.  
  
�I still can�t believe he didn�t come to the meeting.� I mean if that was me�ugh never mind. Now I sound like a broken record. Truthfully it scared me how little everyone seemed to care about this, especially Kevin. I couldn�t help but think that maybe it was my fault. Maybe they are just all so tired of my drama that they want to have nothing to do with me unless they absolutely have to.  
  
�What are you thinking?� I glanced over at AJ who raised his eyebrows at me, still waiting for an answer.  
  
�I feel like it�s my fault.�  
  
�You always feel like that.� He was right. I did always feel like that. It�s not like I can help it though. I mean nine out of ten times it usually was my fault anyway and if it wasn�t my fault I was always blamed for it so in time, it was just easier to take the blame for every little thing. �I�m not even sure what you think is your fault, Kevin not showing up to the meeting?�  
  
How do I tell him what I�m really feeling? Do I tell him about Brian and me and our conversation concerning my reckless behavior and how in so many words he made it sound like he wanted me nowhere near his family anymore? That maybe Kevin feels the same way but would never actually tell me that to my face?  
  
�Not being together today to celebrate.� I answered deciding to keep everything else to myself.  
  
�That�s not your fault Nick, that�s the zoo�s fault and Kristin�s gorgeously sexy body AND Howie�s ten thousand relatives. Everyone has stuff going on, that�s all there is to it.�  
  
�Yeah, maybe but in years past, they would have put all that stuff aside to do this.� I didn�t mean to put a damper on things. I wanted to be happy and excited but for some reason I just couldn�t get there.  
  
�Maybe they just forgot?� AJ asked with a shrug. �I�m going to call D; maybe he�ll come and have some pizza with us.� Before I could stop him, he picked up the phone and dialed Howie�s room.  
  
I sat on the bed, biting my bottom lip like a child waiting to hear if his best friend could come and sleep over or something. It�s odd how much it mattered to me. After a few minutes of waiting, he hung up the phone, �It went to voicemail.� He said.  
  
�He�s busy sorting everything out for tomorrow I guess.� I said half heartedly.  
  
There was a knock on the door, �Maybe it�s the Burger King.� AJ joked as he walked over and looked through the peep hole. �Well I�ll be damned�someone�s ears must have been ringing.� He opened the door and there was Howie standing on the other side.  
  
�Hey guys! I�m glad I caught you both together.� He walked in and closed the door. �Have you decided if you�re coming tomorrow?� Wow, he�s quite the pushy one, isn�t he?  
  
AJ looked over at me and I looked over at him and I�m sure we both had that same look on our faces, the �I don�t know what to say!� look. �It would mean a lot to me if you guys came.� He said, which only added more stress.  
  
�We�ll come Howie.� AJ answered. Okay, I guess that means we�re going bowling tomorrow. Remind me to kill AJ later.  
  
�Really?� This time Howie looked over at me.  
  
�We�ll try.� I wouldn�t commit fully because I know me.  
  
�Okay, well I guess that�s all I can ask for.� He winked at us both. �So, what are you guys up to?�  
  
�We were just going to listen to the CD and order pizza.�  
  
�Without me?� He actually sounded hurt.  
  
�Well no, we wanted you to come over. AJ just called you in fact.�  
  
�Oh, good because I haven�t listened yet and was wondering when we were all going to get together and do this.� I couldn�t help but smile.  
  
�How about now?� AJ said bouncing onto his bed. I think he was as excited as I was.  
  
�Without Kevin and Brian?�  
  
�I have a feeling they forgot about our little ritual.� They both laughed at me which made me realize I probably sounded like a baby when I said that. They always tended to laugh at me when I said things that made me sound twelve, even when I WAS freaking twelve.  
  
�Awe, I doubt that Nicky.� Howie said, walking over and patting me on the back.  
  
�Maybe we should call Rok and Kevin then?� AJ suggested as he went over and handed his phone to Howie. �You call Kevin, D.� I nodded at AJ in agreement which made Howie laugh.  
  
�Fine.� He said as he grabbed the phone and walked into the bathroom to make his call. Why he couldn�t do it in front of us I had no idea.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
I actually hesitated before dialing Kevin�s number. I knew he didn�t want to be bothered today. That was apparent once he no showed our meeting. At the same time however, I wasn�t about to break with tradition. I�m a very traditional guy. I am also a touch superstitious. I blame that on my grandmother and my mother. The two of them together are always throwing salt over their shoulders and reminding us that tradition is one of the most important parts to life. So, of course in my mind, if we didn�t get together and do this pizza/listening thing, our album and tour were going to bomb.  
  
�Hello?� I was surprised he even answered. I thought for sure it would go to voicemail.  
  
�Hey Kev��  
  
�I thought you were AJ.�  
  
�I�m using his phone.�  
  
�Oh, what�s up?�  
  
�Just wondering if you are doing anything right now.�  
  
�Not at the moment, I mean later Kris and I are going to go see a show, why?�  
  
�Well�I�m in AJ�s room and we were just about to order some pizza and listen to the CD and were wondering if you��  
  
�You�re going to do that now?�  
  
�We were thinking about it.�  
  
He paused for a moment, �I�ll talk to Kris and then I�ll give you a call back, okay?�  
  
�Okay.� When I hung up the phone I was disappointed with his answer but I also semi expected it. He rarely got to see Kristin while working on this album and now that she was in town all he wanted to do was be with her. It made sense to me but at the same time� well you know.  
  
I walked back into the main room where Nick and AJ both sat staring at me with anticipation on their faces. �He�s talking to Kris but he�ll be calling me back.�  
  
Nick looked down at the ground and AJ nodded, �What about Rok?�  
  
�I haven�t called him yet.�  
  
�Don�t bother.� Nick said putting up his hand, �He won�t want to come anyway. Screw them both.� He then picked up a menu from the floor, �We should order, I�m starving!�  
  
It was clear he was hurt and disappointed. They both were, and secretly so was I. Although to be fair, it�s not like we made any plans to do this. It was a spur of the moment type thing, but still.  
  
�I�ll call Rok if you want.� AJ said grabbing his phone back.  
  
�He�s at the zoo, remember?� Nick said with disdain in his voice.  
  
�Maybe when he�s done he can swing over.� AJ answered as he dialed Brian.  
  
�But then Kevin will be going out with Kris.� I said.  
  
�And you have plans for dinner with your mom and dad, right?� Nick added looking over at AJ.  
  
�Yeah but for this I�d cancel.�  
  
�I doubt Kevin would do that.�  
  
�You doubt Kevin would do what?� Kevin asked as he walked in the door.  
  
�Kevin, how the hell did you get in here without knocking?�  
  
�I have everyone�s keys remember?�  
  
�Still, knocking would be nice.� AJ rolled his eyes but he couldn�t fool me. He was happy about the intrusion.  
  
�So, Nickolas, what do you doubt I would do and why are you talking about me behind my back?� Kevin smirked at Nicky in his ha-ha caught you kind of way.  
  
�Uh�nothing, I was just saying how you probably wanted to spend your day with Kris instead of listening to the CD and having pizza with us chuckleheads.�  
  
�Oh, well you�re right, I�d much rather be with Kris than you chuckleheads. I like that by the way�I�ll have to start calling you a chucklehead more often.� Kevin said as he walked over and tousled Nick�s hair. �But, this is a tradition and far be it for me to break that tradition, right?�  
  
I was pleased and Kevin could tell by the way he winked at me. �Tradition is already broken because Brian won�t be here.� Nicky said insisting to play the role of Debbie Downer to this party.  
  
�And who said he wasn�t coming?� Kevin asked.  
  
�He�s going to the zoo.� AJ answered.  
  
�Yup, he is but after we do this. He�ll be down in a few minutes.� Kevin said reassuring our youngest member who finally looked happy.  
  
�So, let�s order the pizza and get this show on the road, okay?� Leave it to Kevin to make everything alright with the world. I�m not sure how he always manages to do that but today I was glad.  
  
Brian came down a few minutes later and just like we did every time a new album was released, we listened to the entire CD together, singing along, sometimes wincing but always smiling and excited as we ate our pizza and got ready for the next chapter of our lives as a group.  
  



	54. Chapter 54

****

**54  
  
  
  
  
  
The Big Day**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I wasn�t sure what to do to make things up to Howie. He was still pretty pissed at Nick and me for not showing up to his bowling thing. I felt bad but I also wasn�t aware that it was the day of the Puerto Rican Day Parade. I have always wanted to attend one of those, especially in New York City. How could I say no? Especially since my mother woke me up first thing in the morning wanting the two of us to go together. We left her husband behind, it was a mom and I bonding day. I couldn�t pass that up.  
  
  
  
When I called Howie about it, he sighed and gave me one of those long �I�m pissed at you� pauses that D is infamous for. He doesn�t yell or lecture�he pauses. There was an especially long one after I told him that Nick wasn�t going either. Yes the doofus made me do his dirty work for him but he said it was because I was bailing on him, he would have gone otherwise, but he didn�t want to be alone with all the so called �crazy Howie fans.�  
  
  
  
Whatever!  
  
  
  
Mom and I had a great time just walking around and taking in the sites. One of the best things about Manhattan is if you want, you can walk around and be totally invisible. No one cared that I was a Backstreet Boy. Even fans we passed by who were wearing Backstreet tee-shirts didn�t seem to give me the time of day.  
  
  
  
The old me would have been bothered by this and would have even tried to get their attention, but I was having such a great time with my mom, that I even forgot I was a Backstreet Boy. I miss those times.  
  
  
  
I think we were redeemed by Brian thank goodness. Apparently he and his wife, on their way to a nice dinner alone, decided to surprise Howie and the fans by stopping by. After hearing about his experience I have to say I�m kind of happy I didn�t go. Supposedly they were all over him and Leigh.  
  
  
  
The next day or so, I divided my time between the boys and mom. She was leaving the day before the CD came out, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I hated the fact that she wasn�t going to actually be there on the big day, but at least she came out prior to the release. I was grateful for that.  
  
  
  
Howie�s family left before the release as well. Turns out they made a lot of money for his event so the two of us not showing up didn�t really matter. I�m not sure why he�s still annoyed with me. I hope I haven�t done anything else to piss him off. You know Howie holds a grudge, ask Nick. Out of the blue Howie will sometimes bring up things that Nick has done to him when he was 14 years old.  
  
  
  
When mom left, I kind of just hung out in my hotel room alone. I wanted to lie down on the bed and really let this soak in. Our new CD was coming out the next day. What an adventure this whole thing has been. The rest of the guys decided they wanted to go out and celebrate, but nothing too big or elaborate because we were saving that for the following night.  
  
  
  
I didn�t feel like sharing this moment with anybody though. For me it felt like more of a milestone. I had been through so much the last few years. There were so many days that I thought I wouldn�t live to see 28 even. My life spiraled out of control; I lost my fianc� and my grandmother and overall things were just so horrible. But now, here I am on the eve of a new album, clean and sober. This was an accomplishment that I somehow felt the other guys didn�t quite understand, as much as they wanted to anyway.  
  
  
  
Of course when we met this morning, I got a lot of �Are you okay? How come you didn�t join us? Is there anything you need to talk about?� from Kevin and Brian in particular, but I just shook my head at them. I think Nick was annoyed with me because he felt abandoned in his own right since we have been hangout buddies and Howie well, he seemed okay but I could tell he wasn�t over us not showing up to his thing.  
  
  
  
�I�m nervous, are you guys nervous?� Howie asked when he sensed the odd quite in the room.  
  
  
  
�A little.� Brian answered honestly as he bit on his bottom lip.  
  
  
  
�I hope people show up to the CD signing. I had a nightmare last night that only three people came.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin, there are going to be a ton of people there, I mean have you seen the number of people just waiting for us at the hotel?� It was weird that Nick seemed like the only one completely confident in this album. Not that the rest of us weren�t behind it one hundred percent because I know we all are very proud of it, but still�.he was acting like no one had stopped caring about us.  
  
  
  
Kevin nodded at Nick, �You�re right, I�m just being my usual panicky self.�  
  
  
  
�I wasn�t nervous until Kevin just told me I was right. Did everyone hear that by the way? Just so I can bring it back up when I need to.�  
  
  
  
We all laughed as Kevin bat Nick on the head.  
  
  
  
�So, what�s our plan?� I asked once the tension eased a bit.  
  
  
  
�I think we�re waiting for a ride to an interview or something. I�m not sure where Johnny is.� One of our assistants said as she walked us down a hallway. We were leaving NBC studios where we had just done a small interview for the today show. We were also set to perform later that week but they wanted a nice sit down interview beforehand.  
  
  
  
�We are heading to the Early show next.� She said after getting off the phone with Johnny I guess.  
  
  
  
�Couldn�t they come up with a more original name for the Early show? I mean that�s so unoriginal.�  
  
  
  
�What would you call it Nicky?� Howie asked, although why he did was beyond me.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know like fucking�Poofer!� He dramatically placed his hands out to the side as he said that.  
  
  
  
�I have decided I�m going to write a book one day filled with nonsensical things that come out of your mouth. I�ll make a ton of money off of it and then can retire before I�m forty.�  
  
  
  
�Times running out Kevin, you better get to it!� Once again our youngest band mate received a bat on the head. I was happy that Nick was in a carefree, I�m young Nick Carter mood. As much as that Nick tended to get on everyone�s nerves, we needed him to break up the mounting nerves and tension of the day.  
  
  
  
�I am proud of you all.� I looked over at Kevin and smiled. That was such a Kevin thing to say.  
  
  
  
�Where did that come from?� Brian asked.  
  
  
  
�I don�t know, just felt the need to say it.�  
  
  
  
�Well, we�re proud of you too big guy!� Nick said as he grabbed Kevin and kissed him on the cheek.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
I shook my head at Nick as he pulled away from me. He seemed like he was in a great mood and part of me was sad about that. Not about him being in a good mood, but about me thinking he�s in a good mood because maybe he took something last night. We all went out together last night; at least that was the original intent. Brian, Leigh, Howie, Kris, Nick and myself. AJ had already decided to be antisocial so it was just going to be the six of us. At the last minute, Nick called me and said he was going to cancel. He said he was hanging with his friends instead. Of course I groaned because that meant that some of his loser friends made it up for the album release. We were all kind of hoping they�d just stay home. No such luck though, so he blew us off for his stupid friend Bean and a few others who I can never remember their names.  
  
  
  
Now here he is, happy as a clam and instead of thinking that�s great he�s so excited about this CD, I�m thinking he�s on crack or something. God, what�s wrong with me? When did I turn into this cynical old man?  
  
  
  
�Once we�re at the early show, you�ll be taping an interview and then performing Incomplete. Then it�s off to the record signing.� I heard our assistant running through our schedule off in the distance but for some reason I couldn�t concentrate on that. All I could think of for some odd reason was a day way back in 1994. We were all sitting in a small hotel room which we all had to share. Yes all five of us crammed into one space. Those were the days. Johnny was talking to us about some of the things we�d have to do to maintain longevity in this business.  
  
  
  
�Sometimes you�re going to want to throw in the towel because it�ll be that hard but it�s not like you�re going to be doing this forever. Most boy bands like yourself have a shelf life of about five years, maybe up to 6 or 7 if you can break through to America.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t think we�ll ever break up!� Nick said in a small panicked voice. I remember looking at him and rolling my eyes. I truly didn�t think we�d even last to the end of that year.  
  
  
  
But now here we are, eleven years later.  
  
  
  
I looked over at Nick and said, �Do you remember when Johnny told us we�d only have a shelf life of about 6 years?�  
  
  
  
He smiled at me, �Yup, but he was a big, fat, hairy liar wasn�t he?�  
  
  
  
I laughed, �Yes, I guess he was.�  
  
  
  
�Kevin what�s going on?�  
  
  
  
�What do you mean?�  
  
  
  
�You�re just acting all weird, like you�re zoning out.�  
  
  
  
�I don�t know�I guess it all just feels surreal to me.�  
  
  
  
He once again felt the need to invade my personal space, this time embracing me, �You know what I hear?�  
  
  
  
�What do you hear Nick?�  
  
  
  
�That�s it�s a Weird World�.don�t cha know it?� He sang. As much as I wanted to slap him, I couldn�t help but laugh instead. He was making the dorkiest face ever. He�s such a nerd.  
  
  
  
�You are the weirdest kid I have ever known.�  
  
  
  
�And you are the weirdest adult I have ever known.� He answered so unoriginally and yes, for the record, I do realize he�s not a kid, but to me he will always be one. We all call him a kid, in fact, Baylee does as well.  
  
  
  
�Eleven years, that�s just so hard to wrap around my head.� Howie said randomly. I hadn�t realized he was standing next to us. We were out of the car and in front of the CBS studio at this point.  
  
  
  
�Didn�t you just say that backwards D? Isn�t it that�s hard to wrap my head around?�  
  
  
  
�You know what I mean Nicky!� Howie yelled. He didn�t mean to though and the look on his face cracked us all up when everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared at him.  
  
  
  
�Hi, I�m Howie D and I have no control over the VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!� Nick mocked which had us all cracking up again. These guys kill me, how in the world did I get mixed up with these lunatics?  
  
  
  
Johnny came walking over towards us, passed quite a few fans, which I admit I was grateful to see. �Okay gentlemen we don�t have much time, let�s just get in and get out.� He grabbed Brian�s arm to start the caravan of us moving into the building.  
  
  
  
�I love you Kevin.� Nick out of nowhere whispered into my ear. He sounded so young, sweet and sincere I reached behind me and pat his head as if he were my puppy.  
  
  
  
�Okay let�s do this!� I said as we went in and did our thing.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, that was pure insanity at its finest! I have never been to such an unorganized event in my life! I hate when we do these types of gigs. They rush us in and then make us wait. I was excited to see Leighanne and Baylee in the audience waiting on me when we got to the CBS studios. Management had suggested that we leave the families behind because of how jam packed our schedule was today but this was a huge day for me and I wanted my family to be there for it. Leigh decided to take a cab and follow us to the studio. Johnny seemed more than annoyed to see her but I was giddy with excitement.  
  
  
  
This was the first time my son was actually getting to witness what his father�s life was like. When I ran out to see them, Bay�s eyes were huge with excitement. He was staring at all the lights and camera equipment like it was Christmas and they were planted under the tree.  
  
  
  
�You are a rebel, you know that?� I asked my wife as I moved in to kiss her.  
  
  
  
�We couldn�t miss daddy�s big day, right Baylee?� She asked my son as she bounced him on her hip. He nodded, even though he wasn�t paying attention. I have seen that nod before coming off another blond who rarely listened when you spoke to him. That blond was also enamored by the lights and cameras as well.  
  
  
  
�Johnny is going to be mad.� I told her as I escorted her towards a chair in the back of the room.  
  
  
  
�I�m sorry if I get you in trouble.� She looked towards the stage area where looks from the other boys, plus Johnny were being shot in our direction. �They all seem a little annoyed.�  
  
  
  
�Well, they�ll just have to deal.� I answered honestly.  
  
  
  
A crowd of fans began to mill into the studio. They were wet from the rain. It started to downpour just as we reached CBS. As they came in and saw my wife and child they began to stand around us all in awe. Baylee looked around and at first was shy. He put his head on Leigh�s shoulder and tried to ignore them, but in a few minutes he was all smiles as the fans talked to him.  
  
  
  
I noticed at that point, how different our fans were since the last time we did this. I would have never allowed myself to stand so close to so many of them before. They would have been clawing and screaming at us, to the point that security would have to get me out of there. This time it was different, the girls in front of me were older and more mature. They realized that being loud would scare my son so they all stood quietly around him. No one tried to reach out to touch him or any of us. They just made a circle around us but yet not a tight one. More like a protective one if that makes any sense. I felt totally calm and at ease. I liked this new version of our fans. It made the decision to bring my family out on the road with me an even better one.  
  
  
  
I got a high sign from Kevin so I kissed Leigh and whispered, �I have to go, are you going to be okay?�  
  
  
  
She nodded at me, �We�ll be great�good luck daddy!� She said as I bowed down to kiss my son�s cheek. It was weird how suddenly my thoughts went to the day I would try to do that and he�d turn away from the gesture. Kids grow up so fast; I didn�t want to miss a second. I�m glad they were there.  
  
  
  
Once I met up with the boys, Kevin was the first one to confront me. �Why are they here?� He asked in not the most polite of ways.  
  
  
  
�They wanted to be here to share in the moment.�  
  
  
  
�So did Kris, but I made her stay at home.�  
  
  
  
�Leighanne doesn�t listen I guess.� I joked, once more looking back at my little family as they were still entertaining our fans.  
  
  
  
�Guess not.� He sounded completely disgusted which annoyed me, but I decided to ignore him. Kevin always got stressed out and horribly moody on big days like today. He was obviously swinging more towards glum, stressed Kevin at the moment. Especially since it appeared that the people here had no clue what they were doing.  
  
  
  
Howie walked over towards us with water bottle in hand and said, �I have a feeling we�re not going to get out of here that quickly. They seem to have their heads up their asses.�  
  
  
  
We both nodded as we watched the director in charge talking intently to our management. �As long as we get to that signing in time,� Kevin answered, �That�s what I care most about right now.�  
  
  
  
�So does that mean you aren�t going to insist we do things a thousand times then?� I asked him. When Kevin is in this stressed mood of his, he tends to be even more anal than usual. If he�s not happy with a take of something, he�ll make us do it over again.  
  
  
  
�We�ll see.� He said as he walked away from Howie and I.  
  
  
  
�Yup�� Howie answered once Kevin was out of ear range, �We�ll be singing Incomplete a thousand times today.�  
  
  
  
I laughed at him, but sure enough he was right. Kevin made us sing that damn song about six times before he was happy with what he heard. Sometimes I think he was just doing it for spite. Because the CBS people would seem happy, Johnny would seem happy but he would find something wrong.  
  
  
  
It didn�t help matters any that halfway through our third time singing Incomplete, my son started acting up and had to be taken out of the studio. Kevin was quick to say, �Guess we�ll have to do it again now.�  
  
  
  
The whole thing was a nightmare and by the time we left that place and headed over to our CD signing, we were pretty much ready to kill each other. Well, okay at least I was pretty much ready to kill my cousin.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
I am so tired right now that I could fall asleep standing up. I also have like the hugest most insane headache ever! Today has been a crazy day. After the insane asylum that was the CBS Early Show, we headed off to Virgin to do our CD signing. At some point during our pre-taping Kevin became the Incomplete Nazi and made us sing the song a bazillion times. I think part of his problem was that fact that Leighanne showed up.  
  
  
  
I was kind of excited that none of the extended family would be there today as we did our thing. Call me crazy and selfish if you�d like, but I really just felt like only the people who got us this far should be there to see the day through. When Leighanne showed up, she changed the whole atmosphere. Howie came over to me and said next time they�d have to do a better job of weaving in and out of traffic to try to lose her. I got a kick out of that.  
  
  
  
The CD signing party was good. I just wish I wasn�t as exhausted as I was when we got there. I wanted to really take in the moment but the screaming fans didn�t help. There were a lot of people there. That made me smile, all the fans yelling and screaming our names as if we had never gone anywhere. Hehe Nevergone�I�m clever, aren�t I?  
  
  
  
The people who worked at the store were really anal. They made Kevin look like the calmest man in the universe. I swear if a fan even stopped in front of us for more than 30 seconds security was all over them. I felt bad about that, because most of them spent the entire night waiting on line just for this.  
  
  
  
By the time we were ready to go back to the hotel, I was worn out!  
  
  
  
�How you doing Nicky?� I felt a hand on my back as we headed to the limo.  
  
  
  
�Tired, what about you Howie?�  
  
  
  
�Same.�  
  
  
  
�You still in happy Nicky mode?�  
  
  
  
�I�m trying although someone might have to put a new battery in me.�  
  
  
  
�That depends on where it goes.�  
  
  
  
�In my ass.� I said rolling my eyes sarcastically at him.  
  
  
  
�Then I�ll let someone else do the honors.� He answered without skipping a beat. I laughed at him.  
  
  
  
�I�m not feeling like going to this party tonight.�  
  
  
  
Howie looked over at me with questioning eyes, �Really? You not wanting to party?�  
  
  
  
�Yeah, I�m really crapped out.�  
  
  
  
�I�m sure after a power nap you�ll be revitalized.�  
  
  
  
�Like I can power nap with the guys in my room. They probably have a ton of naked Sheba�s in there.�  
  
  
  
�I really didn�t need to know that.�  
  
  
  
�I know, I just felt like sharing.�  
  
  
  
�You can sleep in my room.�  
  
  
  
�Really D?�  
  
  
  
�Yup, as long as you promise not to show me your ass.�  
  
  
  
�Not even once?�  
  
  
  
�NO!�  
  
  
  
I sighed, �Fine.�  
  
  
  
�Why did you invite them out? Or did they just invite themselves?� He asked me. I knew it bothered them that my Tampa crew came out here without any warning.  
  
  
  
�They just kind of showed up to surprise me.�  
  
  
  
�I�m glad you have someone here for you Nicky.�  
  
  
  
�Thanks Howie and I�m sorry that I didn�t who up to your bowling thing.�  
  
  
  
�It�s okay.� He said.  
  
  
  
I laid my head on the back of my seat and closed my eyes as we traveled back to the hotel. It was weird thinking that the day we had been preparing for, for so long was just about done. Now we had to just sit back and wait to see if anyone cared.  
  



	55. Chapter 55

****

**55  
  
  
And we wouldn�t have it any other way�**

  
  
  
�What are you thinking about?�  
  
I looked over at Kevin who was staring at me. Back in the old days I used to be able to sense that stare when my eyes were closed. He sometimes made it a game with the other guys. Let�s see how long Nick can keep his eyes closed before he realizes I�m staring him down. They were mean to me back then and still are mean to me now! I think once they even bet money that I would feel his eyes on me five minutes after falling asleep. I purposely kept my eyes closed just so Bone would lose the bet!  
  
Obviously those days are long gone because once I glanced over Kev�s way I could tell he had been staring for quite some time, hoping I�d open my eyes.  
  
�I wasn�t thinking�I was sleeping.� I answered as I adjusted on one of the seats that would be our new home for the next few months, a tour bus that I had nicknamed Fluffy.  
  
�You weren�t sleeping. Why are you lying to me?�  
  
�Why do you keep asking me so many questions?�  
  
�Why do you keep avoiding my questions with more questions?�  
  
�Why do we all have to share a bus?� The last question came from AJ who walked past us with a plate of food and almost tripped on my feet in the process.  
  
�Because we have to bond.� The way Kevin said that made me giggle. It was his facial expression that got me. He shook his head and raised his eyebrows all at the same time.  
  
�Nothing like forced bondage I always say.� AJ plopped down right beside me and winked.  
  
�What you do on your free time is none of our business boner.� I added, sneaking a potato chip from his plate as he slapped my hand away.  
  
�Get your own!�  
  
�But why would I do that if you�re sitting here right in front of me with what I want in reach?�  
  
�Kids�quit it! And you still haven�t answered my question Nick.� Kevin was giving me that look of his.  
  
�What question?� I was now determined to get my hands on AJ�s chips no matter what the cost.  
  
�What were you thinking?�  
  
�I�m thinking about AJ�s chips.�  
  
�I mean before AJ and his chips�which he shouldn�t be eating right now anyway,� yup you can insert a Kevin look there too, �You seemed like you were in deep thought.�  
  
�This one in deep thought?� While AJ was dissing me, I took it as an opportunity to steal his plate away. Of course I accidentally pulled too hard and it went sailing right onto Kevin�s lap. Ooops�that�s gonna cost me.  
  
�Oh sweet Jesus give me strength.� Kevin said calmly as he stood up and wiped away the mayo from his shirt and chips from his pants.  
  
�That was AJ�s fault.� Old habits die hard, what can I say? I even pointed at the guy when I said that while simultaneously looking around the small area for Howie to come out of nowhere and save me.  
  
�Dude you totally need to go make me a new sandwich now since you got Kevin all over it!�  
  
�You make me sound like a disease of some kind.� Kevin was now at our tiny kitchen sink, cleaning himself off in disgust. �The sandwich got all over me. I didn�t get all over it!�  
  
�I wasn�t planning on eating you though.�  
  
�What the heck kind of conversation is this?� Enter Howie who seemed really confused and amused. He was carrying a bag. I swear it was the fourteenth bag I have seen him put on this bus within the last hour. Call me crazy, but I think Howard is a girl. �Kevin did you wet yourself or something? You have a big stain.� He said pointing to Kevin�s pants.  
  
�Or something�� Kevin answered, looking over at me and shaking his head.  
  
�Don�t blame me, it was AJ�s fault. It was his food, not mine.�  
  
�I�m having flashbacks of the early nineties.� He said, totally ignoring me.  
  
�Yeah me too�everyone and their mother used to blame me for everything back then as well.�  
  
�That�s because everything was your fault back then Nick.� AJ was in the fridge making himself another sandwich.  
  
�If that one ends up on me, we�re going to have some problems.�  
  
�Relax Kevin; I�ll eat at the table this time.�  
  
�Good.�  
  
I rolled my eyes but couldn�t help but smile at the memories just moving back onto a tour bus together brought back. It�s been a very long time since we�ve all had to share anything in BSB land. We had become very used to having our own things like hotel rooms, dressing rooms and of course our very own buses. The last time we had to all share was way before Millennium. I mean all five of us physically stuck in the same bus. I always got stuck sleeping wherever they could stick me back then. We didn�t have the luxury of having super huge buses or anything. So we did each have our own bunk but anytime anyone came with us, whether it was AJ�s mom or my mom or any of the girlfriends or Howie�s huge family, I always got relegated to the couch.  
  
Sleeping on a couch on any given day kind of sucks but can you imagine how it feels on a bus? The couch is like half Howie�s size and there I was this tall, lanky kid trying to fit my body onto it. Then they always wondered why I was crabby and tired all the time. A big fat duh to them!  
  
I admit when we decided to do a small club tour, it was my idea to have all five of us live together on one bus. I said it would help us get that �back in the day� feeling. Most of them were surprisingly enthusiastic about the idea. AJ was all for it and Howie, even though he kept saying how much I would drive him crazy, seemed to also like the idea of it. Kevin and Brian were the two that it took some convincing; Brian more so than Kevin.  
  
I could see his point. He had a kid now and on a crowded bus having an entire family would be a bit much. They weren�t always going to be on the road with us though so he finally sucked it up and said yes, but when his family was actually here, they�d need their own space.  
  
�Where�s Brian?� I asked noticing we were missing a piece of the puzzle.  
  
�With his family, he�ll probably jump on board the second before we leave.� Kevin answered, now clean but still looking like he needs to wear Depends.  
  
�I don�t blame him. I�d do the same if Kristin was here.� There would be no harm in that if it was Kevin that said it.  
  
�Hey!! Watch it AJ!�  
  
�What? A guy can dream, can�t he?�  
  
�Good lord can you imagine if this one was still with Paris and SHE came along?� Howie just had to get a dig in as he sat down across from me and winked, Stealth D as always.  
  
�We could have started a pool to see how long it would take before Kevin tossed her out the window!� AJ added sitting at the table with his new sandwich.  
  
�Nice guys�you know she did mean something to me at some point.�  
  
�If she ever does again, I�ll throw YOU out of the window!� Gotta love Kevin and how tactful he is.  
  
�Those days are long gone anyway.� And they really were. It�s so weird to think about it, but it feels like I dated Paris years ago. At the time, I didn�t think I�d be able to live without her but now, I�m not sure why I wanted to be around her at all. It�s weird how that happens.  
  
�I have to get one more bag.� I looked over at Howie and laughed at him. �What?� He asked me.  
  
�Another bag?�  
  
�We�ll be gone for a long time Nicky.�  
  
�It�s not like we�ll be in the desert or anything. There will be stores and stuff.�  
  
�Why should I have to stop at a store when I have everything I need at home?�  
  
�Because this way we�d actually have room to move on this small little bus without stepping all around your luggage.�  
  
�You wouldn�t have to step around my luggage if we had our own buses.�  
  
�Touch�.� He got me, what can I say? Besides, I�m sure I�ll think of some way to use his stuff to my advantage. Possibly switch his and Kevin�s stuff up or something. In my old age, I�m getting less creative with the pranks.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
I winked At Nicky again as I left the bus. I tried not to let it get to me, how small it was and how long we�d actually be living on it. You know, out of the five of us, I have always had the hardest time when it came to living on a bus. I like my open spaces. Not that I�m claustrophobic or anything, but nothing beats waking up first thing in the morning and having some coffee out on a deck overlooking the ocean.  
  
Fluffy was not my ideal hang out, but I guess it�s gotta be home. Oh my God, Nick already has me calling the stupid bus Fluffy! I actually hit myself in the forehead as I walked away and headed for my final bag.  
  
Thoughts went from Fluffy to our new album. We were nervous about the sales and we weren�t expecting much. It was a pleasant surprise that people still after all this time went out and bought them. Our numbers weren�t the best and weren�t the worst. They were just normal, still we had our critics saying it was a horrible attempt at a comeback and even some of our fans were saying it was awful. You can�t please everybody, so as long as we were happy with it, that�s all that matters.  
  
As I stepped back onto the bus I was hit with a shoe followed by a burst of laughter coming from AJ and Nick. �Sorry D! I was aiming for the bathroom door. Didn�t you hear me yell look out?�  
  
�Your aim sucks then Nick.� I said, taking the shoe and throwing it back at him. �Hey, isn�t that my shoe?� I asked when I got a better look at it. Funny what you can see when a shoe hits someone�s face.  
  
�It might be.� Nick said in his most angelic voice.  
  
�Why are you throwing shoes around the bus anyway?�  
  
�We�re bored.� AJ answered honestly.  
  
�We haven�t even left yet and you�re already bored? That�s not a good sign.�  
  
�Is that the last bag?� Nick asked me as he grabbed it from my hands.  
  
�Let go of the bag before I break your fingers!�  
  
�Relax, I was just being nice and taking it to your bunk for you.�  
  
�I don�t trust you.�  
  
�I�m hurt by that.� He said lowering his eyes and jutting out his bottom lip in that pout of his.  
  
�Well, I don�t.�  
  
�I feel bad for hitting you with a shoe. I was just trying to make it up to you.�  
  
�Thanks but no thanks.� I said taking the bag away from him and walking it back towards the bunk area. That�s where Kevin was hanging out. It looked like he was examining them.  
  
�Hey.� I decided to put my things right across from Kevin�s bunk. �What are you up to?� I asked him after plopping my stuff down. Nick was right; I had far too much stuff with me. I had no idea how I would find a place for all of this crap.  
  
�I�m just trying to pump myself up for this. It�s going to be tough.� I was taken by surprise with the way he said that to me. It almost sounded like dread and that made me sad.  
  
�It shouldn�t be that bad Kevin.� I tried my best to reassure him even though I was having doubts of my own. It was a different kind of doubting though. I mean, for me it�s just a matter of living in the same bus with Nick for the next 6 months without killing him. I was excited about the tour and the CD though. In Kevin�s response, he seemed to me like he was dreading absolutely every aspect of this.  
  
�Yeah, let�s hope.� He said as he climbed into his bunk. �I think I�m going to take a nap�wake me up when we start moving.�  
  
I nodded at him, �Will do.�  
  
After placing my stuff all over my bed, I decided it was best to join my fellow boneheads again. There would be plenty of time for unpacking later. They had retreated to the back of the bus where they were calmly watching television.  
  
�You know it�s dumb that we�re all just hanging out on the bus now because once it takes off there�s no going back. You�d think we�d be like Brian and stay away as long as possible.� AJ said to me as I joined them on the couch.  
  
�I kind of like hanging with you guys.� We both looked over at Nick after he said that. �What? I do�if I didn�t why would I do it all again?�  
  
The kid had a point.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
�I know why I�d do it all again.� Nick and Howie looked over at me and I just stared back.  
  
�Well? Are you ever going to finish that thought AJ?� Oooh right.  
  
�Because I love everything about doing this, being on stage, having fans, getting to go all over the world and of course meeting you guys.�  
  
And all that was true too. I didn�t feel the need to butter them up or anything. I was just happy to be doing this again. I missed out on it the first time around but since I�m starting to sound like a broken record, I�ll stop now.  
  
�That was nice.� Howie said while giving me a D wink.  
  
�It�s the truth.� I nodded at them both.  
  
�What about you Howie?� Nick asked. He was sitting in his usual Indian style way, intrigued by our conversation. Whenever conversations like this one would arise, Nick was always secretly hopeful that his name would come up. He�s always been like a child in that sense, wanting so much to get approval from all of us, or at least a nice word or two. Sometimes I felt bad for purposely denying him that, even when I knew how much it would mean to him.  
  
�What about me?� Howie asked.  
  
�Why are you doing this again, you know� all this crap, putting up living in a small bus with me?�  
  
I smiled at the anticipation on Nick�s face. As if Howie would say, �I�d love nothing more than to live on a small bus with you for months on end because you are that awesome.� Even if Howie felt that and truth be told, he probably does, he would never EVER openly admit that to Nick. Howie doesn�t play that way.  
  
�Because I need the money.� Howie answered with a straight face.  
  
I chuckled, then immediately looked over at Nick to see what his reaction would be. He smiled and then threw a pillow at Howie�s face. �People always say I�m never serious. They should know the real you D.�  
  
�I don�t let them know the real me Nicky. Maybe you should take a page from my book.�  
  
�True.�  
  
�I wonder when Brian is going to grace us with his appearance.� I asked when I noticed the time. We were supposed to have left by now. Of course we all knew that wouldn�t happen.  
  
�I�m sure he�ll be along soon enough. It�s probably hard saying goodbye to his family for a month.�  
  
I felt bad for Rok. I know how much he wanted his family with him for the entire tour. It would have been too hard on Baylee living on a tour bus for that long. I can barely manage so I�m not sure how a child could. The guy�s ears must have been ringing because no sooner than I said that, in walked Brian.  
  
�Hey guys.� He said most unenthusiastically.  
  
�Hey B.� I answered him as he walked into the living area of the bus to join us.  
  
�What are you guys up to?� He asked as he sat next to Howie and twisted open a water bottle.  
  
�Not much, just waiting to get this show on the road.�  
  
Brian nodded at Nick and then glanced over at me, �Where is my cousin?�  
  
�Napping.� I said as I slouched down into the couch.  
  
�Already?�  
  
�You know Kevin, he�s back asswards. He wants to sleep now so he can be sure he�s rested enough to nag and bitch at us once we get moving.� Nick chimed in which made Brian laugh.  
  
�Well, I think I�m going to go check in with the driver to see when we are getting out of here.� Brian stood up and walked towards the front of the bus.  
  
�Seems like someone is anxious to get this show on the road.� Nick joked as he shifted his position for the tenth time in the span of ten minutes. The kid had ants in his pants. It was just another thing that was going to annoy me as this tour went on. How restless Nick was.  
  
�Hey Bone, do you remember that ugly ass car you rented to get yourself down to California?� And how random Nick was as well�restless and random.  
  
�Yeah Nick, I remember why?�  
  
�Just thinking maybe we should rent it and you can ride behind us in it, you know, for old time�s sake.� Let�s not forget the third R. Restless, random and retarded.  
  
�I have a better idea, why don�t we put you in that car instead?� I love Howie, have I mentioned how much I love him?  
  
�Please, you�d all miss me too much. Who would you have to entertain you then?�  
  
�I�m sure we�d manage.� Brian added as he walked back into the room.  
  
�Well you all suck!� Nick pouted as he stood up and walked away. Sometimes it was hard to tell if he was being for real or not. He pulled his pants down and mooned us all just before he walked out the door. I guess that was my answer.  
  
�Is there a way we can glue that ass to his pants so this way we don�t have to see it all tour long?� Howie asked as he shook his head. Both Brian and I laughed.  
  
�We�re leaving in ten minutes.� Brian said looking over at me and smiling. �Are you ready for this?�  
  
�I think so.� I answered honestly just as I heard the all too familiar hum of the engine kick in.  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
When I heard the engine, I knew it was time. No turning back now. We were actually doing this again. I sighed as I sat up and eventually jumped off my bunk and made my way into the kitchen area of the bus just as it started to move. I looked out the window and watched as the hotel got farther and farther away. �Here we go.� I said to myself, even though Nick was sitting there at the table on his Sidekick.  
  
�I take it that means Brian made it to the bus then?� I asked, sitting across from him and trying to wipe the sleepiness out of my eyes.  
  
�Nope, we just decided to leave without him. You know� try out the whole quartet thing.�  
  
�Is that right?�  
  
He nodded, �Eh-yup.�  
  
�Who are you talking to?� I felt like being nosy.  
  
�Tommy Lee. I just wanted to let him know we were off.�  
  
�It�s been awhile since you�ve talked to him huh?�  
  
�A little while, yup.�  
  
�So, you going to tell me what you were thinking about earlier?�  
  
�I can�t believe you are bringing that up again.� Nick said, finally looking up just long enough to shake his head at me.  
  
�Why would you think I wouldn�t?�  
  
�I don�t know� I was hoping senility would have set in.�  
  
�Nice one.�  
  
�Thanks, I try.�  
  
�So�what were you thinking?� I asked him again, determined to get my answer once and for all.  
  
�You�ll think it�s dumb.�  
  
�Try me.�  
  
�I was just thinking about how I finally feel like I�m home with my four big brothers� that�s all.� He shrugged and then looked back down at his Sidekick.  
  
�There�s nothing wrong with that.�  
  
�You guys are my home.� He said one more time.  
  
I wanted to tell him right there and then, but I didn�t. I wasn�t too sure about things myself. I wasn�t sure what this tour was going to bring me. Like Kris said, I�d have to wait it out and see how I feel about things. But I did know that this time around, I was going to take my time and let things really sink it. I wasn�t going to take anything for granted and I wasn�t going to let any of them do that either.  
  
�I love you kiddo.� I said sincerely, before all the hard days ahead where loving Nick would seem like an oxymoron of some kind.  
  
�I love you too Kev! You want to go in the back and cuddle?� I laughed at him. He�s such a smartass.  
  
I stood up, �I was only kidding you know. We don�t have to cuddle.�  
  
�Just follow me and shut up.� I said as I started walking towards the back of the bus.  
  
�So much for our moment, huh?�  
  
I heard laughter coming from the behind the closed door and stood there for a second before opening it. When they saw me, Brian pat the seat next to him. �Hey cousin!�  
  
�Hey guys.�  
  
Nick followed and decided to sit on the floor Indian style.  
  
�I just wanted to say something; I�ll make it quick, I promise.�  
  
�No offense Kev, but you saying you�ll make it quick is kind of like Nick saying he�ll make sense. We all know it�s not going to happen.�  
  
�Good one Howie!� AJ said giving him a high five as Nick pretended to be offended.  
  
�I just wanted to say I�m proud of all of you and that there is no one I�d rather be doing this with.�  
  
They all looked over at me and smiled. I was feeling a little chocked up and emotional. �We feel the same way man.� AJ said giving me an assuring nod.  
  
�See? I told you it was going to be short and sweet�now I say we make a toast.�  
  
�A toast?� Howie asked.  
  
�Yeah, raise your water bottles�come on!�  
  
We each took a water bottle if we didn�t already have something to drink and raised our hands in the air.  
  
�Here�s to us.� Howie said.  
  
�And to all of our fans.� Brian added.  
  
�And to having great shows and remembering our words and dance moves.� AJ chimed in.  
  
�And fresh starts.� Nick said confidently.  
  
I looked at my four little brothers, trying to find the perfect words to close one chapter of our book and open the second one. I wanted to be poetic and deep but the only thing I managed to say was, �Cheers.�  
  
With that being said, we hit our bottles together and laughed at the squishy sound the plastic made as we journeyed down the road towards our very first club gig.  
  


**The End**

**  
  
  
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